i will not make any apologies for the woman that i am
or for the woman i will be
so please stop punishing me for loving you
i am not some child who if you take my toy away
will throw a tantrum or behave as you wish
"daddy, i won't do it again...
i will be a good girl for you"
under the circumstances i have been a good girl.
i think you forgot i was a woman
one helluva woman at that!
with needs and wants just like your own
please stop playing the role of the martyr
your pain is not any different than mine
and it hurts just the same
we just have different views
doesn't make you right
doesn't make me wrong
but i'm here still
like always
loving you
despite yourself
perhaps despite my own self
i may not be enough for you
or is it i am too much?
but i am enough for me
right now that is all
that is all
that
is
all
that
matters
you feel me luv?

Patience

when you are ready
i will be be here
waiting
no questions asked
place apologies upon my lips
as your arms encircle my waist
tuck your regrets behind my ear
cast reflections of forever in your eyes

when you are ready
i will be here
getting this house in order
sweeping my mind clean
rearranging my heart
throwing out the baggage
so everything fits just right
making room for even more

when you are ready
i will be here
keeping this thickness thick
and this sweetness even sweeter
having secret conversations with Venus
creating new pictures for Sutra
an aphrodisiac i will become
to satisfy all your cravings

when you are ready
i will be here
to stand close at your side
with one hand holding your back
the other holding your hand
for i will uplift you and strengthen you
the best i know how
royalty you are
to your forever Queen

when you are ready
i will be here
waiting patiently
you better pray for open arms
and not a glock nine!

lol, sorry, thats not the real ending...just thought it was funny...and dammit i needed the laugh!!

Mother

I am always aware of my mother,
ominous, threatening,
a pain in the depths of my consciousness.
My mother is like a shell,
so easily broken.
Yet the fact that I was born
bearing my mother's shadow
cannot be changed.
She is like a cherished, bitter dream
my nerves cannot forget
even after I awake.
She prevents all freedom of movement.
If I move she quickly breaks,
and the splinters stab me.
--written by Nagase Kiyoko

came across this poem that spoke to me in whispers...then in screams. My mother and I play this game of labels very well. I have tried to scrape off the past imprints she has left within my skin. Bled to be purified of her legacy. easier said than done. It seems everytime i forgive and open myself up again...because it seems she has changed..her venom blinds me once again. This is true for a couple of relationships in my life, and the reason enough was enough. Had to let it go. So much harder to do though when its your mother. The ties that bind run deep. We talk occasionally, pleasantries exchanged...but one can always feel that underlying emotion.
I remember as a child secretly wishing for another mother...one who would fight back when my father used her as a punching bag, one who was checked into their child's life, one who was the dream in my head of what a mother should be.
but the other mother never came
but i survived her, and hopefully a better mother to my own. it's hard when you don't have a strong blueprint to follow.I love my mother, but she is in denial about so much. even questions my own memories, as if they weren't my own. She's in her 60's now, and she always used to look so young...but lately i noticed age is coming fast, and bitterness has set well in her wrinkled lines. Time is of the essence
Is it possible to make peace with someone and still have pain?
like unsaid said...binge love, purge pain

hmmm...

your sweet tooth for me
leaves cavities in my heart
unfilled fulfillment
decaying at the root
oh but the way your tongue plays with my lips
makes me forget pain even existed
at least for the moment
so we capture it
stretch it as long as we can
for the next one may never come
but you do...
no need for hands
as i rhythmically coax your essence
humming nectar down my throat
lubricating wings and glossing lips
admiring no drop left behind
or gone to waste
i have never tasted sweeter
thank you for stopping by
please cum again soon

A Few I'm Working On...

you built me a castle on the ocean's edge at lowtide
the moon was full
the stars were bright
there was hope in each grain
of sanddollar wishes
green and blue sea glass softened by time and chaos
adorned my skin like precious jewels
we looped wet strands around shells
i made you a glorious crown
you made me your forever queen
as if there was any other option

we watched the moon play with the tides
as the tides played hide and seek with our toes
until it had engulfed our entire body
carrying us and our castle of dreams out into its waters
for even the ocean wants to be baptized sometimes....
-----------------------
see you leave me speechless
words abandoning me
dancing softly from my lips
just to exist in your space
to be inhaled into your mouth
exhaled across your breath
the air parts like sweet thighs
welcoming you
i breathe you in
so i can find the words again....
------------------------
close my eyes across copywritten memories
inscribe love notes on the backs of doves wings
and send them off into the night air
upon wisps of smoke
as i wait patiently for your reply.......

Always Grateful...

--for finding the gratitude even when it feels so bad inside
--for exploring more of my otherside and taking that step
--for one day of sunshine, almost forgot what it looked like
--for t's pay raise and recognition for job well done
--for my new digital camera that i bought myself...so loving this one
--for seeing two movies for the price of one LOL with my gang
--for my son's dance moves...trying to imitate Stomp The Yard!
--for the words flowing the right way
--for laughing with my father, the kind that hurts the belly and the tears come
--for the look on your face when you walked in the door and saw what your kids had done for ya...hadn't seen a smile like that in a long time
--for knowing and feeling i AM a good person
--for my girl trying to find the answer to the pain...lil steps ma
--for spending a lil time with my oldest daughter...still my lil baby
--for the love of my brother...he's got my back always, and i got his
--for sexy shoes...can't have enough of those
--for cleansing cries, so much so damn teeth hurt...but its okay...its okay...okay

nobody wants to know the truth
she says
we are lovers to our own lies
caressing the underbelly
until dishonesty purrs from lips
taste so sweet
truth now bitter
you are not welcome here
she says
and licks the aphrodisiac
from deception's palm
for this is a bed we lay in often
with pretty pillows
for this is a dance with many partners
cut in anytime
the song plays long after the dj has gone home
long after the sun has kissed the earth
long after reflections give no face value
so where do we go from here
she asks
slicing life to the core
trying to feel again
blood pools non-existant
for lies drained joy a long time ago
we are the walking dead
living with no purpose
no rhythm
no rhyme
soulless
because we expect so less these days
where have our leaders gone
she asks
possibly murdered last night
by the cop shooting him in the back
in self defense
possibly raped before breakfast
by father 'cause mommy is too old now
teachers don't understand why she can't focus
stuffed into society's crack
invisible and lost in a system
that does not protect its children
they put guns in the hands of 18 and 19 year olds
fight this war
become a man
in return we will give you money for college
oh yeah and a triangle box and casket to match
got to have something for our beautiful red, white, and blue to drape........

Organic Butterfly

invisible ink inscribes affirmations upon butterfly wings
only to be seen in sunshine's gleam
when she flies into the heat
organic in nature
rain brings the color
she opens even wider
to catch the baptism
channeling through veins of identity
replenishing her thirst for flight
gliding between ether spheres
fearing nothing
but the cocoon left behind
so she returns
strapping her birthplace to the underside of her womb
with stitched cobwebs and willow tree sap

stuffed with hope

sealed with a kiss
and flies into the rain
to catch the rainbow
to color her beautiful........

Commitment To Self To Push Myself Even Harder

I haven't been focusing much on writing or performing lately. the words have been coming, and i've been writing. but its been like oh okay thats nice. write.turn page.write.turn page. put away.i've been worrying about trying to find that fire again, but not really doing anything to make the fire burn. i haven't been focusing very much due to some personal setbacks. i'm tired of using that excuse now. so....as a personal challenge to myself...i'm taking it all up to another level...hell that is what i'm going to do with my life PERIOD...right now, its a matter of life or death.
i've got to work through this madness in my head. notice i said work THRU, not get rid of...cause that is impossible i believe. embracing it and softening its edges is all i can do.
please don't take anything i post too personal. . i am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or step on anyone's toes. may work for others, but its not my style. eventhough i have stated this disclaimer, i am SURE someone is going to read something and think i am writing about _________or___________(if you knew the truth, you would surely shut the fuck up anyway! folks don't ask me about truth, they just assume...too funny)
like i have said before...IT AIN'T ABOUT YOU HOMIE, ITS ALL ABOUT ME THIS TIME!
much love....isn't that what life is about anyway?

empty morsels left upon lips i crave
licking feverishly to taste something...anything
as i greedily try to feed my hunger
yet
you are a meal i am not hungry for
but
i feed on you in bits
as you feed on me in gulps
regurgitating a love affair
tearing at the lining of my heart
acidic holes penetrate
way past what i can no longer stomach
constantly
sugar sweet words carve the jagged lil' pill
forcing me to swallow
promises of tomorrows
leaving me in yesterday
without a blueprint to build another foundation
cracked
mud-laden
left too long in your suntips

running to my core

crumbling outer edges of existance.........

Continuously Ever Grateful...

--for my family joining me on the set, even in the rain we kept laughing.
--for wanting to make it better between us...and it is and will be so
--for the cold rainy nights
--for warm flannel snowflake pj's all weekend...so sexy lol
--for waking up in your arms with my head still on your chest...nice place to dream
--for laughs thru emails, text messages and phone calls
--FOR SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry got a lil excited there
--for sliding down hills on the ice and snow, yeah what!!
--for loving my quirkiness, its part of me and i adore it
--for realizing i just can't keep doing this with you...part of taking ME back...and its okay i won't fall apart
--for fireplaces and hot apple cider...together
--for my dad looking so cute all bundled up
--for my mom calling me her lil canadian girl...i don't call her enough...working on that
--for yummy stew...yep i made it
--for loving to cook
--for king's text pushing me harder and believing in me...thank you for all the encouragement
--for my own personal challenge when it comes to writing and poetry
--for you having to stay home due to the bad (good) weather
--for finally putting up all the christmas stuff...its just so hard to put away...yeah i know its the 16th of jan.
--for planning his 40th already
--for my next door neighbor's house saved in the fire, and for it not jumping onto our roof
--for the beauty of an icicle...really look at one
--for vitamin e oil and ALL its uses...yeah you can go there dirty minded people lol
--for wanting to start anew, even after 15yrs

Random Poetic Thoughts...

i often wonder what it is you see when you look at me, for i no longer see my reflection in your eyes

fists of 'i love you' have left permanent bruises on my insides, passed through the thin looking glass of my mother, and her mother before her

men, sometimes can be so beautiful we forget (ignore) their ugliness

tell me nothing needs to be done...a man who won't ask me to be what he needs, but lets me exist as i am

you left me high within the notes

flow through me like water, cleansing the ebb of my soul, baptise me in acoustic holy waters, bless me in the half beats

you are a meal i am not hungry for, but i feed on you in bits as you feed on me in gulps, regurgitating this love affair

i am a woman freeing my voice

alabaster skin cannot hold the hues of gold you once cherished in mine, perhaps this is the reason you still visit your temple of the Goddess

i see her still, eventhough this life opened its doors to another world for her, closing quietly, as she joyfully walked through several years ago...my grandmother

ejaculated commitment in my mouth, so the action of my swallow would leave no trace of you to explain...to me...to her...or to yourself. so i swallow hard trying to stuff you past my reality beyond foolish heart, beyond truth burning in my gut

got me paying rent to stay in your heart and my ass is flat broke, but eventhough i try to relenquish this lease...you still will not evict me...why

ease me slowly, decisivly, and gently into your mind

God doesn't live here anymore

tick tock
yep

Always Grateful...

--for the fact i have things to be still grateful for, despite the storm
--for my umbrella
--for the way you smile when you look at me
--for work that is fun...and comes with a paycheck (yeah)
--for taylor's new beau walking her home so he can meet the parents, he was scared shitless lol, but a gentleman nevertheless
--for chocolate fountains OMG! with strawberries, apples, and cherries...YUM!!
--for the secrets you hide w/in my curls and w/in my eyes
--for hearing the words i help you write...still beautiful to me
--for one of the hottest slams ever at Neo
--for understanding i still have options
--for knowing even when we are not speaking, we are a constant force throughout
--for playing auntie to one incredible lil man
--for seeing the growth, even with setbacks its okay, keep the steps moving forward
--for 5lbs gone! i'm doing it and doing it and doing it well!!
--for taking back the pieces i have let others feed on freely....taking back my power
--for knowing and understanding, it ain't about you homie...its about me
--for my new kimono...feels so good against my skin

backward glances see the words written in caked mud
footprints turning to dust
the past has lost its way
unable to see my future within your eyes
for it now has no foundation
cracked at its core
fissures have turned to gorges
leaving valleys for tears to fill
overflows taunt the levees to break
pretty lace, rose petals, and heart strings
just don't hold it together anymore....
but forgiveness granted
as i blow harder to dry fragile wings.

Back in Business...

You never know just how dependent you are on the computer until technology acts up, and puts you out of commission for awhile...thank you Time Warner for your new services lol.
soooooo i hope everyone's holiday was great, with precious time spent with family and friends.
2007 has already proven it will be an interesting year, to say the least. I spent the last moments of 2006 in prayer and praise...thankyou Ms. Jackson. It was a beautiful uplifting experience, very much needed...gave me some hope...and some understanding.
2007 the season of perfection is what the message was.....the #7 is powerful and full of grace....please shower me and drench me in all its glory.
this i pray....
ahhh but the beginning of my new year is already showing a shift in my normal.....not ready for it, but it is written in the cards...huh sarah?!
I am sure i will find out what i'm made of this year...a lil bit more a lil bit more a lil bit more.
bring it on babeeeeeee!!! I accept this challenge with alllll my heart....just let me make the right choices for all 3 of us.

Gratitude for the first Wednesday of 2007 (yeah a lil late, but grateful just the same)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
--for the Creator and all that He has blessed me with
--for leaving baggage in 2006, eventhough someone is trying to give me back my bags lol
--for Bishop and his unorthodox ways....love it
--for my children, and all the love they pour into me...my strength indeed
--for zell and joe giving me the puppy eyes and making me laugh...i know i know i have got to get over my stage fright and shyness
--for stretch escalades and some bad ass poets, thank you for including me
--for new friendships
--for strengthening old friendships
--for him seeing me past the obvious....so much wisdom for someone so young
--for the way he smiles at me from across the room
--for being his weakness
--for all the challenges and possibilites for the new year
--for writing in the sunshine
--for moonlit nights
--for new books
--for getting back on set
--for having a place to escape to when i need it the most...thank you sunshine
--for showing me who you really are, or always have been...never enough huh?
--for me and finding out who "me" really is, all my quirks, weaknesses, strengths, downfalls, pains, loves, passions, wisdom, traits, beauty, darkness....all of it is ME, and i embrace it ALL

Last Grateful Wednesday of 2006

--for sunshine making it safely thru the bad weather, and to her family
--for hot n spicey drinks, fireplaces, good munchies, good people, stimulating conversations, and GREAT poetry jam sessions
--for ms. j's beautiful voice
--for hearing him smile again thru the phone
--for our poetry still feeling sacred...and we treat it as such
--for not stressing this christmas
--for the smiles on my children's faces and their snuggly hugs
--for sitting under the stars with my lil brother(not so lil), and just laughing and talking...he is adorable and cool as hell...wouldn't trade him for the world
--for facing some of my fears, and not running
--for facing some of my fears and running...acknowledgement is enough right now
--for making choices that are nurturing to my spirit
--for the endless possibilities coming in the new year
--for wanting to be better, instead of just safe

broken wishbones
cracked promises
soft lies
easy swallowed

open heart

closed eyes

tunnel vision

blurred choices

stinging wounds

cancerous friends

benign love

black undersides

untouched memories

not ready

need time

need wings

new beginnings

yesterday returns

wishful thinking

hinders flight

darkened mentality

screams redemption

forgiveness vital

forgetting unintentional

tainted tongue

shadowed eyes

indian giver

trust taker

knees bent

desperate heart

humble prayer

peaceful sleep

Even in Storms There Are Blessings...

-for the fact you still love me
-for the fact i still love you
-for being able to spend lots of quality time with the kids
-for seeing them grow so beautifully...i got it right this time
-for hanging out and just being giggly girls
-for laughing so hard my stomach hurt
-for wings and brownies
-for the music of D'Angelo...lawd lawd
-for embracing the pain
-for the words that flow into my healing
-for your smile
-for taylor styling my hair, bringing memories of my own childhood doing mommy's hair
-for him wanting you...the power of it all lol
-for feeling a change coming...i'm scared...but willing
-for knowing it will be okay eventually
-for hot apple cider

Fuck You for Saying Snap Out Of It!!

it seems the dark days are returning, yet i don't know why at this time it has chosen to seep back in. like i said before, i believe it never really leaves us...we just learn to manage it better. or disguise it as something else. most days are better than others...but i feel it, and i am trying to push it back.
forgive me, because it is also showing up in the(my) writing...perhaps that is a good damn thang. so bare with me while i bare with myself..

he watches
as he always has
waiting
patiently
with soulless eyes
for her to give him hers
or at least another piece
for he has collected her
only in small doses
which he hides in a crystal box
made of salted tears
opens it daily
masterbating to her pain

acquired a taste for her
starting at an early age
dipped ragged nails into innocence
tasting the sweetness of youth
enjoyed the music of her cries
became the invisible playmate
for often she was left alone

he took her voice
placed it in the fragile box
knowing it would be her strength
but he could not allow her to be heard
soft spoken--if she even speaks at all

she learned early to exist in pain
for this was not living
found false hope in a child
never to leave her womb whole
sucked into brown sludge
as tiny fingers desperately
held onto the cord binding them
as they both were torn to pieces

he kept her close
to feed his hunger
and her drunken steps
kept him satisfied...........
(of course not finished, perhaps its best)

because the darkness never really leaves...does it...?

i want to take your pain
reach deep inside the heart of your hell
plunge both hands in its sponge
that soaks you in daily
rip it from its existance and squeeze the dead out of it
so life can come back into dark eyes
(where reflections no longer exist)
let it seep into the ground where fathers lay
and where i should bury hers
for you hold much too tightly to a legacy
not belonging to you
there is comfort in the pain though
cradling you into nightmares
playing games in the blood left on the floor
too many pieces to play with
not enough players
therefore demons play you often
and the company is appreciated

let me have the pain
enter inside these walls
until my womb absorbs this madness
fertilizing with my own sadness
together let it grow
let it grow
let it grow
until soft insides split
and this heart explodes
ripping my existance apart
so i may rain down on you
covering your beautiful face
with transfered grace
freeing you from an internal prison
with keys, windows, and doors
found only within eyes
of agape......

'Tis The Season

-for Neo being HOT last week, thanks to the ladies (big smile)...oh and Marcel did the thang fo sho!
-for hanging with you, as if no gliches ever happened
-for good drinks, good laughs, and good dancing
-for reconnecting with family members at my cousin's homegoing service...why is that?
-for feeling your spirit surround me, as i remembered laying in your lap during church service while sucking on peppermints
-for missing you still so much it hurts, but letting the feeling come
-for old boyfriends wanting to see me...lol like he was my boyfriend at age 7 or 8 lol
-for celebrating all my girl's hard work...yeah for graduating...yeah for parties
-for my son and how he loves me...something about that mother/son bond
-for the words not stopping
-for a good game of Upwords, good drinks, and good laughs with you 3...and a half (lil ms princess)
-for the beauty in your precious lil smile
-for the magic cup
-for strong beautiful women, even in pain and disappointment...beautiful
-for being witness to the love Eb & Flo have for one another....makes me still believe
-for seeing the progress i am making with Me

-for still loving you, eventhough i don't like you...and its OK

-for those goofy text messages that just make your day...thank you

Please Tell Me How This Makes Sense...

a local elementary school in the area, actually off of 620, is going to relocate their students due to overcrowding. no big deal usually, but this is the part(s) that bother me:
-this will be the 3rd time in 3 years these students have been moved. 3 DIFFERENT schools in 3 years.
-the fact they are elementary children who throughout these formative years, should be able to cultivate bonds with friends, lasting throughout most of their schooling ( i know is was moved around alot too...but still)
-the fact it has been 3 years, and just now something is being done about it. i mean don't they have planning commitees for this type of projection? part of the reason we pay taxes and vote on bonds right?
-oh and two of my favorite reasons why this crap is really bothering me.....
#1, guess what? the huge majority of these kids are MINORITIES...hmmm not really surprising is it?!
#2, and this is the end all to end all...so adding/building more space to the existing school is out of the question (but prisons are being expanded on a daily basis)
and 3 yrs ago no one thought of "hey, let's build a new school so our students can thrive and have a condusive learning environment." (but new prisons are being built as i type this)
noooooo see all of the above would be too much like right (as friend of mine says). so where are they going to place these lovely young children, you ask?
shaking head even now in disgust: how about in an abandoned CHEMICAL TESTING PLANT!!!!!!!
But the building is so much closer to where they live, the administrator's say.
really? as if that is suppose to make it ok?
i mean really, seriously are you serious? who knows what these children will be exposed too w/in those walls or what will they come into contact with while playing in the dirt at the playground!!
No, i don't know what chemicals had been tested at this site, but does it really matter?!
I'd be curious to see the statistics of ailments and health issues these students have in the future.
this is not the first time, of course not, minority children have had less than adequate learning conditions all over this fine nation, Where No Child Shall Be Left Behind and It Takes A Village, right? riiiiiight! I know of another campus (here in atx) where radio active waste had been found in the playground, and after a brief dig it was discovered it had been built on top of a dumping ground. nothing really done, fresh dirt added and the playground was shortened. lol...yep
why why why why is this okay?

Conversations with Self and Me...So Much Work Left To Do...But I'm Doing It

hey
yeah?
we need to talk
about...?
your heart
my heart?
yes your heart
what about it?
i'm tired of holding it together...
***************************
Her intentions are not of a soft shell
but she likes the way time has worn her edges
soft and smooth,
as she runs a finger across life
feeling rounded curves at each turn
occasionally jagged peaks protrude
not yet eroded by healing tears
instead filling the valleys
deepening on each side-
either she drowns daily
or floats,
searching for an olive branch in the debris left behind
not realizing the debris will stick to her edges
strengthen her walls
eventually,
she will be able to carve a door to walk through
or open a window to breathe-
even in darkness
stained glass is beautiful.
***********************
but it is so hard to see beauty
in cracked reflections
only ugliness and distortion make sense
altered reality plays tricks with truth
past life creates present lies
only to dine on self
because her world is starving
with only spoonfuls of emptiness to feed her.
binging on whatever scraps
are thrown her way
gorging on rancid sweet trash
until her womb is so heavy with self-hatred
she must ram her heart into her throat
to purge it all away.
acidic lies burn as they rush through her insides
past her silent tongue
only the sickening sound of a broken heart can be heard
as it slams into the vomit it helped create.
she picks up the pieces as always
trying to scrape away the cancer festering inside
diligently chipping away the hardening plaque
using what she just expelled from her throat
as a binding glue
not realizing though the pieces fit,
slightly,
never quite the same really,
she will continue to decay from the inside
leaving only a soft shell
that no one can love
not even her self.

Gratitude is an Attitude....

-for writing again...its flowing again and i love being at its mercy
-for getting the tree up this year nov. 30th...never has been that early
-for decorating with my family, very special moments
-for text messages to make you laugh when you most need it
-for real female friendships
-for night skys that just seem to glow lately
-for knowing just a bit of you
-for recognizing everything and everyone sometimes has a season, always a reason, not necessary to hold onto
-for playing Boggle with Kami
-for passion that still burns
-for my cousin Bobbi, she put up a good fight, but He took her home yesterday evening...now you can rest ma
-for you wanting to share your words with me, and wanting my opinion....meant a lot
-for family for family for family
-for snuggles
-for for my brother introducing me as his beautiful sister...awww
-for eating just a little better...got to start somewhere
-for poetry and those who keep it sacred

working on this one...

i am not what i was
much more than i am
standing here with a voice that can make love to minds
creating mental foreplay and orgasmic rhythms
to tease and satisfy all that they crave...
unable to satisfy my own cravings
so i search deep inside
among the clutter and chaos
for a new voice to be heard

it is here,
upon my shoulder where my heart sits
absorbing blows fists have missed
teetering on the brink of exhaustion
catching wayward tears these eyes have banished
reminding my head to sit squarely
as the weight of my world bares down.

it is here,
in my hands that still grasp at rainbows
and silver linings
while battered fingers hold rusty needles
to patch fraying seams
within this thinning soul
and the pen beckons to be a catalyst.

it is here,
between my legs
where tips of fingers were licked clean of innocence.
buried children here...
once by my own shovel, twice by God's
with no eulogy to speak of.
pulled my tribe from here-my namesakes, beautiful and strong.
finally self worth closed the temple doors to jokers and thieves

it is here,
just behind shades of indigo
where visual wisdom senses what cannot be seen
cast insight into yesterday, today and possibilities

it is here,
behind bolted doors
with keys strung across rib cages
in dark basements of my mind
on stairs leading to nowhere
all swept under tattered rugs
trying to ignore which seeps through threads
of much walked upon

it is here,
deep inside where the child still dreams
still cries in the corner
who runs to the woman
who has often fell from grace
who is covered by wings
with prayers etched into each quill

my voice is here
whispering through the chaos
praying through the silence
.........

Because I Was Inspired

i make wishes of you upon comet's tails
with promises of fleeting reality
to feel the passion burn in my heart
tattooed within the ashes...

tonight moonbeams brought us closer
wrapped tight in it's magic
our tides synchronized
a fluidity of necessity never lost

i released my butterflies upon your lips
dancing down your throat
to keep company with your own
their is strength in numbers

held me so close
i could feel our wings fluttering in your chest
taking turns playing with heartbeats
an effect caused long ago, felt now

your eyes always looking past the obvious
searching for any residue left of you
instead, we found us
lost within one another

one hand playing in curls
as the other traces my neck
finding its way to supple breasts
mouth indulges on raspberry candy

pushing my pain threshold back further
satin sweetly calling your name
welcoming what is meant for me
feeling the wetness ebbing for you

it seems our bodies defy this plane
having trouble keeping grounded
sexual animation suspended within rhythm
celestial love seeded in rich earth

watered by orgasmic moans and screams
angels blush at their voyeuristic creation
kiss the red glow into my cheeks
soften your chest for my face

knowing they will never have what they created
to feel the warmth in my well
or the intoxication of your lips
they fly as close as they can to taste heaven

and they weep.

Another One So Soon

-for words in need of existance
-for phone calls...just because you wanted to say hello
-for singing so off key, but oh so cute "i just called to say...."
-for decorating for Christmas
-for finding great treasures to add to my home
-for Craig's List
-for hanging out with my brother
-for a lil sanity...i said a lil
-for life
-for prayer
-for my cousin getting out of intensive care
-for my brother walking away untouched from an accident he shouldn't of...thank you thank you!
-for your fingers in my hair
-for understanding my weakness and insecurities
-for quiet moments
-for teaching moments in your negativity...i am stronger than you think i am
-for bannana foster's icecream pie...my new favorite recipe

Look What I Forgot....

looked at my calendar, sorry people


Happy Birthday to Amy

Happy Birthday to Eboni

Happy Birthday to Ms Jo

and Happy Thankgsiving to everyone!!

Soooo Much THANKS to GIVE N this life....clever huh lol

-for meeting such interesting people on this journey
-for laughs with my kids
-for good poetry
-for loving the skin i'm in
-for not obsessing over weight anymore, like i hear so many do...it can take over your life
-for warm hugs on cold nights
-for my new sandals, yes i know its almost winter...but i get them cheaper in the off season lol
-for caramel apples...yum
-for my son's sense of humor having his mother bent over in laughter in the middle of a store
-for my family together on Thanksgiving...priceless
-for my daddy asking if i had both my feet left, 'cause i put both of them in the food i had prepared...lol
-for satisfied faces and satisfied bellies
-for my oldest daughter's boyfriend, he seems to calm her spirit...plus he is a comedian, and a nice guy...guess he is a'ight (as t said)
-for chivalry
-for dancing slowly in his arms in the middle of the store, and the horrified look of taylor when she saw us lol
-for out of sight out of mind
-for love
-for my grey ghost, the butterfly mobile is back!
-for my daughter's creativity
-for christmas ornament shopping and taylor's excitement
-for family, its so good, had to say it twice

For It All Is A Good Thing...

-for my 14 yr old realizing she didn't like the silly mental games her boyfriend was playing...so she broke up with him...she is a smart girl indeed
-for exploring new avenues in life, and loving the detours
-for great report cards
-for sharing in a grand celebration for 3 up and coming young gospel rappers
-for reconnection
-for tears of joy
-for you always showing up, even if it means lingering in the background (i always know u r there)
-for still smiling like a school girl when i see you
-for you saying my glasses were sexy...why thank you
-for changing my mind, and opting for jazz with jazzman...good choice
-for team practice...dang its been awhile, but we still groove well
-for my brother's long awaited screen time...he is so cute
-for my new computer desk
-for purging stuff and junk, so i can create a new, more peaceful beautiful environment for my family...for love
-for elbow to elbow game playing action....HAHA i won again!
-for your lol text messages

Another Wednesday of Gratitude, though Everyday I AM

-for experiencing life through a poet's eyes
-for going forward when so many others said no, or added roadblocks
-for one incredible trip
-for looking people in the eye, and touching their hand...we all should do this more often...its honest
-for traveling grace, prayers, and well wishes....thank you thank you
-for my glasses
-for my babies....they are simply incredible
-for knowing she is okay
-for strong arms to hold alllllllll this
-for seeing i have a gift, and believing it finally
-for you creeping into my dreams, its safer there so yeah i understand
-for that "feeling" again
-for my daddy's laugh...he turned 64 saturday
-for my daddy being so proud of his babygirl...he tells me now
-for cheering with Taylor's friends @ football game...they think i'm cool lol
-for my mother's happy tears after reading my lil' book of poetry
-for text messages that make me laugh
-for Joss Stone's voice OMG!
-for realizing some people are exactly what they show you (though their words will swear they are not), but its okay...learning to love and admire at arm's length
-for books of encouragement and strength....i heart you
-for you calling just to hear my voice, in need of a poem...(we had some good times, huh?)
-for family for family for family for family for family for family for family
-for holding hands while making love
-for deep sweet kisses lasting a lifetime
-for still believing in yesterday
-for NeoSoul tonight....been missing

Haiku...that's all

my choice is, of me
reaching deeply for sweet peace
now dance within love

This Story Is Not Yet Over, But Just Beginning...

dragged B out once more into this beautiful city. of course, out to some mountain and natural setting...pick that over shopping any day. saw the petroglyphs, ancient drawings of the Pueblo people atop an inactive volcano...question...if inactive why the hell these rocks still feel very very VERY warm, while about 50/60 degrees outside? of course i climbed to the top, while B went half way then once again stated, 'shelle ya on your own'. lol...yep love my adventurous spirit...how else to experience the beauty of this life right?
later that evening headed out to our second feature in town, Central Avenue Reading, that takes place at local coffee shop...serves very good chai by the way.
totally different crowd. average age around 55/60. very literary. very distinguished. read from their own published works. B and i realized we will have to revamp our show. no i say NEO, you say SOUL!! here lol... i wore my glasses, yes glasses! you know, trying to fit the part. though i did one of my performance pieces (more subdued of course), it was nice to do the rest of my set reading from my book. i was reading one of my more sensual pieces, when i realized i was coming across a certain erotic passage, started to panic a lil thinking damn these are my grandparents in here. sped up the piece a lil, lol, but also could see the elderly gentlemen perking up a bit LOL LOL. too funny. B did a very good set, in fact one of the best...something about not being rushed or in a heightened state ya know. He had those women remembering the old days. lol Ms Dale passed the basket around, church style....not bad at all plus sold more product.
i wished i could of stayed longer with these folks. most have led fascinating lives. so enriched even now, with such great stories to tell. i pray in my own older years i have just as many fascinating tales to tell to people along my path.
still whispering my thank you's into the universe.
hung out with more poets at a local bar. more great conversations, drinks, great laughs, good food (though they don't know what it means to eat wings!), and overall outstanding meeting of the minds.
poets are cool people....that is if you leave ego's (haven't i said that already lol) and open your mind to the moment.
said our goodbye's. damn. last night. B grabbed my hand as we walked through a tunnel to the car, and said "MichelleDesiree..." and i said "Brian Francis...," then together we said " we did it..."...yeah we did...yeah we did.
it was time to go though, we both were missing family something awful!
hit the road for home...home, hmm such a sweeter word these days...around 10am friday morning. snuck in the front door around a quarter to midnight. (no one, but Tarik knew i was coming home). nothing like loving arms around you...nothing like his arms.
my dad's birthday was in 15min. i was his present he said....awwwwww
my beautiful son come's running down the hall and leaps into my arms, kissing me repeatedly, holding me like i was a brand new xbox 360...and if you knew my son...lol...that was a strong hold.
taylor then runs and hugs me just crying her lil eyes out. wow they really made their mom feel good.
nothing as sweet as a family's love...sigh...home sweet home
does it get any better than this?...i guarantee it does
watch and see....
smile

Native Love, Poetry & Beer

Catching up on my blogging, so i have posted 2 others below besides this one...
Wednesday morning, B and I performed for two classes at the Native American Charter Academy (NACA). We knew it would be fun working with the kids, but didn't realize just how important this day would be for both of us.
The school is less than a year old, the student population 90% Native American, a place where they spirits can be nurtured and grow, where they can feel like the norm and not the outcast.
the students were so excited to see us. Their teacher, Ms. Emily, had been talking about slams, poetry, and even showed them a few clips of def poetry jam and Taylor Mali. Ms. Emily is a budding poet herself, but has never read on an open mic...ah but we took care of that soon enough. The first class was a group of 6th graders and a whole lot of fun. The boys were more outspoken, while the few females stayed quiet.
i could see their hesitation, so i tried much as possible to keep them involved. I made sure to let them know they have a voice, and how important it is for them to realize this fact. it had taken so long for me to find my own ya know.
B and I did a couple of pieces, then taught a mini writing workshop. they were very receptive and so eager to share. B brought them up to the front of the room like rock stars...you could just see them shining...and shine they did! The words these kids wrote were simply amazing. police problems, drugs, alcohol, being different, pleading for change....and they are 11/12 year olds. wow...very humbling. We gave each of them promo posters, which of course, they wanted autographed. they were the stars, not us.
grabbed a quick bite to eat at a Thai resteraunt, then returned for the second class...i wasn't ready for what was to come.
the kids 7th graders, just a yr or two older. B and i did the same format as before, but the outcome totally different. several topics were put on the board (they chose first or strongest memory), they picked one, then letters chosen, then 3 words for each letter-only had to choose 2 from each letter, then given about 10 minutes to write. one by one they got up there and just ripped my heart out. i felt the tears coming, tried desperately to hold them back, but no...and even some of the kids in class couldn't contain themselves. they spoke of losing their brother, their fathers, fathers who were killed or just left, of grandmother's, of the pain of just living, of a mother's love. it was heart wrenching, but it seemed...needed. wounds were opened, but the tears cleansed.
i read a piece about my grandmother and baking lemon cookies, almost couldn't get through it myself. miss her so. but i realize exposing myself like that, gave another the courage to read about her own grandmother. a very shy beauty, who needed her friend to hold her hand as she read. when the tears started, she moved closer to her strength and she held her as she read...we were all a mess by the time she finished. it was so moving. some of the students just couldn't stop crying...the dam had been opened. they had put a voice to some deep seeded pain, and this was probably the first time they have had the opportunity to deal with it.
a love circle was needed before the class was dismissed, just to make sure everyone would be okay...shoot was i?
the spirit was moving in there, it was moving....i pray they keep writing through the pain and just fly. it was hard leaving them, but we will be back and will stay in touch.
sigh...if i never lived another day, they made it all worth it in that small moment. poetry live and in living color.
does it get any better....probably not....well....
B and I rocked the hell out of the District Bar, our first full length feature. We performed 8 pieces. second set Desiree did the love set LOL, and you know she left honey on the mic, and the bees did come. lol. great reactions need i say more!! LOL. after us, was a qualifying slam for IWPS....DAMN could not believe the power on the mic...one of the best slams i have been to in a very long time. did a lot of networking, hung out with some more fantastic poets....but still could not get those babies out of my mind...and i am sure i never will.
more later...

Gratitude on a whole different level....

-for all the unique and beautiful people i have met and reconnected with
-for a great traveling partner, we are good together...not getting on each other's nerves too much
-for seeing life through new eyes
-for good conversations in late night diners
-for being on the same stage with Andrea Gibson
-for no egos
-for meeting Tara, and getting lost in her eyes
-for the sweetness of Ken, think i have a crush on him
-for meeting some of the Deadly Penz, and for them really enjoying our words
-for making great connections
-for my adventurous spirit
-for being so close to God, He kissed me
-for the purity of snow
-for the kid in me
-for the wonderful kids at the Native American Charter Academy...they made it all worth it
-for the inspiration of IWPS @ Poetry and Beer (one of the best slams i have ever seen)
-for Don offering his home to us
-for warm apple caramel pie served by loving hands
-for late night phone calls making me smile
-for tears of i miss you
-for appreciating what's waiting on me at home more
-for believing in me and mine....

Day 5 and Day 6

dragged B out once more into the wildnerness. he has been so good about it. finding out the big strong big gunned brotha does not do heights...but is keeping me happy lol.
went up on Lookout Mountain, which lived up to its name for sure. full of snow, i once again was just as giddy. so what does any 38 yr old kid do, falls down in the snow and makes snow angels of course!
i stepped out on to this rocky ledge, that literally had sky below me. birds were'nt flying as high as i was lol. being that high up, my eyes prayed silently, while my lips spoke for them.
performed at a youth slam. these kids are really good. but i am still partial to our austin youth. got to judge the slam as well. that is some tough stuff. but inspired by them and vice versa.
hung out w/ ken, eddie, and jen rinaldi from denver at a local diner...damn good burgers. lots of laughing and great conversations. made me miss my neo even more. they are a strong family here.
temp dropped dramatically. poor ken, no meat on the lil man so i gave him an extra long hug...'cause you know i can keep someone warm lol.
dang, i hated leaving denver...but we must...headed out early tuesday morning for the long drive to New Mexico...
gassed up in Ratton, but the cashier stopped me dead in my tracks. i know it was Halloween, but damn...the girl was in black face, dressed as Aunt Jemima...no sir no sir. hey, this has been a trip of some quite interesting sightings...
i saw colors that just don't exist anywhere else. the trees. the horses. the sky. the mountains. i wanted to place it all in my crayon box and take it home with me. had to stop and take in the moment when the sun decided to go to sleep, i felt it was the least i could do...for the blessing the sky had given me.
made it into town, met up with Don (slammaster for team) and Eric Bodwell...it was halloween, so headed over to a party around the corner. the whole street was Halloween to the fullest, every home decorated, lines of kids at each door...pretty neat.
Still meeting the most unique people in the world. artists are the best people. eric invited us to another party up in the mountains, and to see/hear a local band. now you know i was down, always the adventurer...B just smiled and told me to have a good time. no more mountains for him, and the word gypsies really sealed the deal.
Here i am, in a toyota truck with eric, sidney and his dog milo...going higher and higher up a very dark mountain, middle of the night, world beat drums playing from the cd, going higher, no lights, drops on both sides of road, higher...uh, start getting just a lil nervous...am i fixin' to be a sacrifice or something? i mean it is halloween...then all of a sudden there is this town...don't blink...there is this bar The Mine Shaft...literally behind an apex of the mountain...streets not even paved...oh yeah this is going to interesting.
walk in, and uh yeah....i know its halloween, yeah i keep reminding myself...but it seemed this lil place was something out of the ordinary ALL THE TIME....take all this in: mainly pink people, hippies, old coal miners for real, this gorgeous 6'4 brother, dreads to his behind doing the Charleston on the dance floor, gypsies bellydancing, every once in awhile i would see white german shepards appear and just sit around...okay, this is looking a lil' vampirish lol. held my drink close. someone offered me some of the that good stuff lol, and i declined...so YOU KNOW I WAS ON EDGE....end up in some mind shaft sleeping with the dead upside down, wondering why i am allergic to the sun...no sir no sir. this is what did it for me, after the band (very good too) finished, i was talking to a local, turned back a moment...there is this girl, in all black, with black tophat on sitting on edge of stage playing a large wooden harp...so melodic, so translike, so i will meet ya guys outside LOL.

Day 4

the first thing i do each morning is walk outside and look at the snow capped mountains not to far from my reach...and whisper "thank you"...does it get any better? probably!
when in Rome do as the Romans do...watched part of the Broncos game in Hooters...man these are some serious fans here! even the harley's are bronco orange. lol.
prepared for our first slam at the Mercury Cafe aka the Merc. familiar faces. new faces. hugs and smiles from both. the house band, Neo Complex and the Word Mechanics, played while several poets read before the open mic. sorta like open mic before the open mic. the scene was just as eclectic and artsy as friday night's Cafe Nuba (its hot and its black!).
hung out a lil with some of the Denver slam team (Katie, Paulie, Ken, Sawelo-bad spelling i'm sure).
these guys are family just as much as the neo soul family, made us feel such at home.
so here was the slam, now mind you no more than 8 slots available, and THEY pick the order.
Katie from the team, was the sacrifice poet(25.9)
i was GIVEN the first damn slot lol (23.2) take it back please take it back!
Young American Eddie (23.2)
Brandon Scapula, an amazing 16yr kid. judges robbed him (18.2)
Andrea Gibson....yeah i said Andrea Gibson!! (28.5) felt like i was touched by God personally.
BFran did the damn thing too! (25.8)
Shane Romero (22.3)
Ian...great poet (28.0)
Paule Lipman, another member of the team (26.7)
straight into 2nd round and high score gets to CHOOSE where he/she wants to read...
BFran had 'em laughing (26.8) Paulie (26.2) Ian (27.3) and Andrea (28.6)
3rd round only 2 poets fight it out....no 2nd, no 3rd...though technically big brotha B got it!!
Ian scored 29.3 and Andrea took it all with 29.6...automatically earning a spot in the semi's.
it didn't matter we didn't win, i didn't even mind going out the first round. we were having so much fun, but more importantly we earned the respect of some fine poets.
i mean B and i did walk up in their house, home of the #1 slam team in the nation and did our thang fo sho! everyone showed us much love, sold a lil product, landed more gigs for a later date, and took some great pix(will post soon). wow. like i said can it get any better? probably!

Like Wow!

day 2 and 3: hit the road early...i just can't stop saying how beautiful the New Mexico area is, i mean just breathtaking....but breathtaking will not be the words for what was to come...more later.
-B and I were in awe the whole trip through New Mexico. the terrain, the rock formations jutting up into the sky, the earthy colors....God had fun here. i swear i saw indians standing warrior-like atop the plateaus, with their strong painted horses granting us passage. seriously. you knew they were here....still.
-met a mark in Las Vegas, NM who simply wanted to know he was justified beating the crap out of some guys he knew, with a bat, they broke in his home stole personal items. he didn't care about the material things, just wanted tape of his wife giving birth to their daughter. yes this is a conversation held in a gas station p-lot. he was a good man u could see it, a simple man.
-grabbed a quick bite from Johnny's Mexican Resteraunt, uh one-eyed Johnny manned the cash register. not a happy camper either....maybe cause he only has ONE eye.
-okay a caution sign: ELK Crossing next 6 miles....uh what!
-sign that read: speeds monitored by air
-look in rearview mirror and see 8 DHL trucks coming up the highway. but faraway, didn't know what type of trucks....very intimidating
-lil areas of snow popping up, can see snow capped mountains in the distance. OH MY!
-seeing antelope grazing...not deer...antelope
-at one point we came out of b's birthplace and crossed the Canadian River(canada being my birthplace)....how ironic is that?
-indie arie jamming as we are riding...Priceless
-there is a pass which divides NM from CO, which we thought would be short, turns out goes for miles and miles through the mountains. snow is everywhere but roads are clear people. i was so overcome by the beauty of it all, i cried. seriously. so damn good to be alive.
-stopped briefly at scenic loop...almost kissed the snow. threw a snowball at B...got ya!
-hit denver, nice city...uh where are the black people? the last black person we saw was about 400 miles back. hopefully at Cafe Nuba we will see a few.

Cafe Nuba is an eclectic art experience. the people, the words, the artforms, a lil of everything. a whole lot of fun.
-independent film w/ the film maker actually there. -podcast slam -dj spinning -open mic....which b and i rocked the hell out of -carlos mena and jamie kilstein were the features. jamie was hot like fire, has been on tour since august and is booked through may...will be coming to NeoSoul in feb. -the whole time poets are spitting, there are two artists on stage opposite side painting on canvas. like seriously this is some interesting shyttttt! -the whole show was just that...a show to feed you. -made some great connections...in fact a group called the Deadly Penz wants us to come back and feature at their spot in Aroura...they are going to FLY us back. okay yeah we can do that!

thank you for all the love and prayers sent this way, don't stop. dang i miss my babies, and my man (everything for a reason).
B and I are chilling today, watching the games, doing some sight seeing, writing, invited to an african dance club tonight.
we are already forgetting time and days lol.
much love

The Adventure Begins....

okay so we got on the road about 9:45am this morning. i have been up since 7am, sending off my babies with hugs and plenty of kisses. damn missing them so much already. oh i went to sleep at about 5am...do the math...its now 12:30am into friday...again do the math lol.
so it seems mr bfran wants to play a lil prank on shelle. joe b calls me said there is an issue w/the car. crap. b finally calls. what's wrong?. he starts to tell me the stickers were expired on the car rented, they didn't have any other vehicle available, so we will be driving something much smaller. like how much smaller. shelle put to you this way...i had to take a bag back home just so you can fit. what da hell!!!!! i'm freaking out a lil. tell tarik and my dad. now dad is like oh lawd in a small car in that kind of weather. he is not playing w/ you is he? no, i said b doesn't do that. so how about this mofo pulls up in a fine ass PT cruiser. whew!! gets out the car strutting and laughing...haha GOT YA!! damn bootie head...yeah he got me. he was so convincing...and yeah, he is still talking about how he got me...proud of himself i see.
on the road...beautiful day once outside of austin area. spent most of the time spitting poetry back n forth, listening to fellow poets cd's, and some great music. just being silly and laughing...
here are a few interesting things we have already experienced or seen:
--between Mullin and Zephyr, saw a very inviting fruitstand with large sign stating: Self Serv
uh like for real? there was no one there...we should of stopped.
--saw our first Starbucks in Brownwood, i instantly said "Kim"
--lots of sheep around, even saw one solo llama hanging out and chilling in the field
--came across a cotton field...instantly thought of Love and cotton pickers. the fields went on and on and on...you couldn't help but think of our past, it was sobering.
--the trees up here are turning beautiful shades of gold and crimson...looks like Fall for real
--coming up on Sweetwater we spotted some wind powered energy towers...um, then like they were everywhere we looked. they are quite intimidating up close. beautiful in an eerie way.
--stopped at resteraunt for lunch recommended to B. walked in. place goes silent. everyone turns around. seriously. lady comes from back and says i'm so sorry we ran out of chicken. huh? we don't have anymore chicken left. uh that is all you serve? yes i'm sorry. i asked again to make sure. really that's all u serve? well yes plus the vegetables. oh i look at b and we head for the door. you could hear the scene continue inside once we walked outside. uh no ma'am.
--stopped at a quick fast food place...serving you guessed it CHICKEN!! but uh i believe there was some serious inbreeding going on with the wait staff. young girl asks "where ya'll from?"...was it obvious we weren't from there LOL
--saw our first tumbleweed....damn thing had the right away straight across the highway
--at least 65yr old white woman driving a black sports car with flames painted on the side....lol, one fast grandma
--tasted best damn apple pie, covered in caramel and pecans OMG!! sweet old lady said baby i will heat it up for you, then made us a fresh pot of coffee served in ceramic mugs..like stopping there again for sure...New Deal, Tx
--um No sir no sir (huh Ms J), a black lawn jockey in Hale Center, Tx next to guess what....yep huge field of COTTON.
--stopped in Amarillo to get a camera and find a spot to access the internet. asked man in Walgreens where we could find a spot? around here? no, this side of town is SORT OF DEPRESSED, you won't find that here. i literally cocked my head to the side...depressed? I knew what he meant...but damn.

we are now in Santa Rosa, New Mexico...had to dodge the blizzard up ahead. can't wait to hit the snow tomorrow in Denver....yeah baby we riding.
hey check out Bfran's version of our trip at www.bfranmybrotherskeeper.blogspot.com
love ya'll

God is Sooooo Good

and i am grateful for it allllllll:
-my first book of poetry is done
-my first cd is done
-my first set of business cards done
-to actually sell something that i created
-to receive a gift from an angel that i didn't expect...thank you
-everything falling into place
-knowing when to say no and knowing when to say yes
-loving him
-the way he loves me
-the way mother's love their children
-stolen kisses
-my dad's smile today
-speaking up for myself
-knowing some things or some people are better for me at arm's length
........
please send up prayers for Brian and I as we venture out into the unknown. He and i are traveling to colorado and new mexico to share our love of poetry with others. it seems mother nature might have something else in store for us...so please pray for traveling grace as well.
we both will be updating our blogs daily...so check back.
this will be some adventure LOL

Gratitude Wednesdays....okay its Thursday

--seeing tawanna shine even brighter when she saw her souljahs and fellow poets front and center
--being very pleased to see him, so unexpected...still feel like a school girl sometimes
--being inspired
--hugs from strangers when words touch them
--your soft face
--road trips
--peanut butter cookies
--love songs....not sex songs
--hugs from my children
--seeing my oldest babygirl...wish she would stay
--she is so much like me
--screaming at the voices to leave me alone lol
--ms josephine's creativity...and hard work
--knowing u like to play games with the mind, but u will never have mine
--neo neo neo neo neo neo neo SOUL!!
--eventhough your show was cancelled due to weather and mixups, still got to chat a bit.
--having a good time and exposing others to the world of spoken word who have never experienced it before...UT's Campus Fusion.
--whenever he wraps his hands around these double based hips
--safely crossing an entry ramp, high grass, and a frontage road to safety ON FOOT!
--car not getting towed to the unknown lol
--for mamas that didn't birth me, but call me friend.
--for acknowledging my fears and insecurities
--for late night calls to check on me
--for my bad ass boots
--for rain
--for cool days, cooler nights
--for long gratitude lists

i caught a glimpse of us today
you know
the way we were
back then
when life was hard
but u n i were oh so sweet
yeah back then
when we were happy
together
when we were satisfied
together
childish giggles escaped
at the sight of u
caught myself falling
in love
with u
with us
i welcomed the familiar feeling
like a cool spring day
like a warm cup ot tea
like
like
an old friend
and a smile flooded my heart.

What Am I Grateful For?

-flying almost 80mph on a jet ski, wanting to go even faster. hitting wakes and jumping at least 10ft in the air....YES!!
-the warm sun
-my brother being a bartender once, damn made some good drinks...came up with a new one "sex on a boat" lol
-my adventurous lil ones and their laughter
-playing the "i love u more" game with my son. he said i love you the mostest x infinity x2 + forever +forever + always x infinity/me + you x my heart.....i do believe he won!
-that i am a damn good cook
-for Angel's heart
-for the fact only 15 days away from the biggest road trip with my Big Brotha B!
-that things are falling into place...if i just relax
-for strong women poets like Inertia
-for Neo feeling like it use to
-for Spirit Groove and watching Ms. Jackson just shine
-true friendships...may have been a detour...but we found each other again.

where u been?
why r u here now?
empty corridors of this heart
echo with heavy footsteps of regret
silver tongues carve fault lines
too far within the epicenter
for repair
keloid scars rise to the occassion
leading me back to you
leaving freshly picked scabs behind
for black crows to find
even they do not want this poison
but i drink deeply
swallow frequently
with spoonfuls of your tainted sugar
thinking one day
my immune system
will build a resistance against you
flatline tendencies daily
pleasure in resurections
as you kiss me
hold me tight
my heart can't breathe
in the distance
just past the cloud on the left
there next to the melting rainbow
the faint sound of tomorrow
is crying.

A Day In Need...Indeed

-sunday night bowling, and how about ms taylor with a 130 and 2 strikes in a row!!
-yummy herbal teas
-the fact i love to try new things
-prayer
-text messages that make you laugh on a hard day
-laying outside, gazing at the stars
-the fact i still wish on shooting stars
-good herb...lol...while laying outside, gazing at the stars while still wishing on shooting stars
-my sense of humor
-seeing through others bs
-knowing its not in me to be cruel to others
-that i have a big forgiving heart (hmm a blessing or a curse?)
-that i don't like guns or own one lol
-again, my sense of humor!

PLEASE WATCH "FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS" TONIGHT, 7PM CENTRAL ON NBC. the pilot was shot earlier this year before they called my lil..HA..brother to join the cast, so he will be in the later shows. and i do believe David, the flow of our Eb, is also in this series. it seems to be the start of a really great series...plus its centered around football...who doesn't love that!!
Check it out!!

I apologize haven't posted much lately. haven't felt like being so public lately.
people judge me enough.
until then...

So Thankful For...

-music from the heart...the real stuff
-just one student saying, "i like that"
-feeling a lil closer to God under her wings
-good game of Upwords with beautiful company and poetic wine
-inspiration
-stepping out on faith
-my younger brother auditioning for speaking part in upcoming series "Friday Night Lights".....AND GETTING IT!!
-my son's cheesy grin seeing his mom, dad, sis, uncle, grandma, and grandpa all cheering him on at the game...he is so cute
-my beautiful Taylor turning 14....she is an amazing child...and she is mine :)
-restraint
-standing in the breeze and feeling the sunshine warm my face
-watching him sleep and his dimpled smile...beautiful

More For The Day...

she received a traffic ticket, a class C misdemeanor, for knocking a child out of his shoes (who is recovering but still fighting for his life) just because your ass was in a hurry. the irony is she is a teacher. shaking head still.
------------
more what da hell on Kinky...seems an old standup routine has surfaced...uh yes he was a standup comedian...evidently he still thinks he is...anyway, yeah in the routine he did say the word nigger and several other racial remarks...interesting huh? wonder what the polls will say?
------------
Fasting and prayer is really something you must prepare yourself for, which i did not, and it is nothing to take lightly. i realize i must try my own version to become successful, and that is okay...as long as the end result is the same, right?
Much prayer and meditation
no solids during the sun hours, but i do drink herbal teas and water
no red meat or pork
limited chicken and fish, soon take out the chicken for awhile though.
much self reflection and reconnecting
being still and listening more...
next year i will prepare myself better, but for now this will do just fine. for me.
-----------
love me through this
love me through myself
teach me what it is u need
despite what u want
look past my fears
look past my smile
where i hide the best
walk in my path to understand
point the way to a new one
take my hand and lead me
sometimes i fall behind
sometimes i just fall
catch me or soften the ground
blow the dust off
dry out these wings
are you still there?
just love me through this
just love me through myself....
(letter to me from me)

Random Thoughts And Observations

What Da Hell!! KiKi Freedman, local candidate here in Austin running for office, is trying to dismiss comments made earlier in the year on CNN...said it was taken out of context...DUH don't they all say that! I found it interesting as well that he commented on the fact "when i first said this, it wasn't a problem. Now, its getting closer to election time and they (media) is finding everything they can."
So was it really taken out of context? He is not denying he said it at all. What did he say, you ask? He was on a talk show on CNN discussing his position on several platforms. The host (can't remember the name) asked about sexual predators and sentencing. Now Kiki is known to be colorful character who quite frequently says some off the wall stuff. I mean he walks around in all black with matching black cowboy hat, smoking fat ass cigars...seriously. His comment was, yeah throw them in prison and throw away the key (here is the punch line ladies and gentlemen) then have 'em listen to a NEGRO TALK TO HIMSELF ALL THE TIME.......
uh.....what the hell is that suppose to mean?
like did he just say NEGRO? probably the closest word to NIGGER he could say w/o actually saying the word, ya know. and the talking to himself...whats that all about?
shaking head...crazy mofo!
--------------
Today, in North America, is the first day of Ramadan, an Islamic holiday lasting through October 23rd. I have known a lil about this, but thanks to Angel, i am reminded just how imortant this time may be. It is a time of fasting and prayer, and since the same day it was mentioned by Angel, and the same day i refound (lol) a small book on fasting and prayer...i figured i better listen to the spirit.
It is also a time of self-control, and to cleanse the body and mind. Damn, and i need some of that fo sho!
Before the sun rises you are to enjoy a meal called sukhoor, then no other liquid or solid is to enter your mouth until after sunset...when you enjoy the meal called iftar.
I figure this also will be a good time to start eating healthy again, and to cut the meat out during this time.
more prayer and reconnecting with God, and my own inner spirit...nothing but good can come from this.
Thank you Angel for planting the seed.
-----------
Almost 2 pounds of weed, 2/3 pound of mushrooms found in Willie Nelson's tour bus...he is given a misdemeanor?
-----------
A SCHOOL TEACHER ignores flashing lights and bus stopping to pick up children. speeds around bus and knocks an 11yr old child out of his shoes, now in critical condition. no charges have been filed yet. police allowed the damn B**** to leave the scene...oh and did i mention she was talking on her cell phone at the time of the CRIME!!
------------
Fed up!!
Ramadan, Perfect timing!

Gratitude Wednesdays

--FINDING MY LONG LOST POETRY NOTEBOOK IN THE TRUNK OF KIM'S CAR!!!!! U SHOULD OF HEARD ME HOLLA
--cell phones
--my son still wanting to wave at me from across the field
--The Big Chill...my beautiful poetic family
--good heated debates w/o fist fights
--becoming a sponsor...she taught me well
--my oldest coming home...we need prayers, but at least i know she is safe
--purging a garage
--finding my past, crying, letting go
--great sunday dinners made by my hands feeding a housefull, and getting the "itis"
--ladies night in...always a good thing to reconnect with our own
--cooler weather
-shooting stars and wishes

just a tease...

liquid pearl drops
adorn full pink lips
her favorite sweetness
his favorite weakness
letting her drink him into heaven
without judgement
without sin
eases his hardness
into her softness
no movement
just sanctuary
within her temple
their bodies meditate
realigning chakras
his hands knead away
at the subtleties and thickness
of her curves
caresses the underside of her thigh
to go deeper into her playground
soft breaths whisper secrets
across her neckline
into her hair
the scent of raspberries and vanilla
intoxicates his senses
so his tongue seeks its own inebriation
inside her mouth........

Gratitude Wednesdays

--seeing my son play football for the first time, they won! not biting my fingers completely off...and knowing it was MY son by the untied shoe laces LOL
--celebrating life with good family and people, good laughs, good drink, good dominoes, and damn good poetry
--the belief in love no matter what
--rereading old journals and laughing...who the HELL was that girl!!
--rereading old journals and crying...i still have work to do...but realizing, i have come so far as well.
--seeing Taylor just being a girl in all her glory...sigh...growing up so fast
--standing in the rain and feeling every drop...being in the moment
--cotton candy skies and cool nights...yeah the weather is changing!!

She (work in progress)

cascading memories fall gently from my locks
secrets kept tightly within each curl
wound around fingers
slight tugs
i submit
neck exposed
full tilt
desires overwhelm me
my need satisfies you
reciprocation at its finest.

licked away the residue of anyone before you
even after you
left behind a scent so strong
who could even compare
whosever divide these thighs
cannot conquer the land you laid claim to
a thirst unquenchable
insanity at its finest.

where has your path led ?
what dusty roads or cool meadows
have felt the destiny of your soft feet
imprinted deeply into their nature?
did the sun feel your heat?
did the rain feel your wetness?
what secrets whispered into the wind?
what raging waters calmed?
did lightning spew from your fingertips
to light up the night?
a Goddess at her finest.

long wet black tresses signed your name
permanently across soft curves
eternity held within a moment
encased in featherbed time
you are the reason i love the color mauve
the hue of your treasure
the tint of our sky
the night you fingerpainted my blues away
art at its finest.

memories deliciously stir taboos
makes men wonder why i smile the way i do
makes women secretly want what i could do
sutras kept within corners of yesterday
still within reach
so at that very moment
the one lingering between heaven and hell
she will see the only she reflected within my eyes
taught well by passion at its finest.

A Few Things

Brandy's questions:
1. what is the most under-rated thing about you, and why do you value it more than others do?
--my strength, i even at times under-rate it. but i know because of it, i have risen above and walked through so much. people often mistake this constant smile and my good heart for weakness...ahh but don't back me in a corner lol.
2. what is the most over-rated thing about you, and why do you value it less than others do?
--that i am some oversexed goddess or sex kitten trying to seduce men and women alike...goddess yes, love sex yes, but come on please! i have had a few laughs (and a few tears) over this description of myself...but i am so much ...SO MUCH MORE.
3. whose relationship do you admire, and why?
--in my life right now, it would have to be my Babygirl Eboni and David. He is her everything, and she is his all. I love seeing how he looks at her, the way they seem to blend into one another, the way he calms her, the way she strengthens him...their beautiful love continues to grow, their possibilities are endless.
------------------------
i have seen Idlewild twice now, and will see it again if the opportunity arises...second time though this really hit me over the head when i heard it: the one least invested in the relationship has the greatest control!
i mean it doesn't get any plainer than that....
any thoughts or comments?
------------------------

Gratitude Wednesdays...umm into thursdays

1. laughing with you. your wise words about him. about her. the time you taught me how to cook a favorite recipe of yours...now mine. me covered in flour, and you so proud of your apprentice. remembering where the tape was...always making me feel like family from the first moment.
2. decorating and cleaning like crazy...must be something in the air.
3. the neosoul maid service
4. enjoying a relaxing time at home on a wednesday night. not feeling like i HAD to go.
5. cooking for and nourishing my family. i love to cook
6. for baby steps
7. for dancing my behind off sunday night with a pretty good partner
8. realizing its the moments of the now that truly count...expectations mean nothing
9. when he says i want it to be better
10. knowing just how precious life is, and not wasting time on the drama
11. loving these cooler days and nights!!!!

More Questions

Slump Facade asked:
1. Do you believe in love at first sight, if so, tell me how you would know it...and has it happened to you?
--i am such a romantic, so yes i do believe. i can't truly explain it, one just knows. i have experienced this twice in this lifetime. we felt this "energy" or something go through us when we shook hands and a gaze that was seemingly suspended in time. very passionate love affair soon ensued...two for the books...no regrets
2. If you could get a foot massage from any man, who would it be and why?
--would have to be someone with a foot fetish. guaranteed no toe will go unnoticed, and no rush jobs. hmmm wonder if Denzel is available?
3. If God were a woman and she asked you to take her place for a day, who would be the first person you'd send to Hell?
--HA!! George Bush and all of his cabinet...both terms!!

Copasetic:
1. How did you feel performing in front of so many of your poetic peers...those you look up to?
DID U SEE THAT BIG CHEESY GRIN ON MY FACE WHEN WE WALKED ON STAGE THE FIRST TIME? it was all so surreal, very humbling. kept telling myself OMG!BREATHE!OMG!BREATHE!..nothing like the first time ya know!
2. At what age did the big CHANGE happen to start you on the road currently being traveled?
--by change do you mean really understanding who i am? it would of been may 26, 2004...first time i read poetry outloud on the mic. spoken word has truly allowed me to recreate ME...to understand, to teach, to love me.
3. Why don't i have a picture WITH you?
--i was thinking the same...well next time

Koffee:
1. What inspires you to write?
--my healing, my life, and love
2. What did your 1st time (on the mic) feel like?
palms sweaty, whole body shaking, voice cracking....whew! but liberating
3. Three adjectives to describe your style?
--multifaceted, sometimes sexy, self reflective

Sarah:
1. If you could live anywhere in the world for the rest of your life, where would it be and why?
--maybe somewhere in alaska. huge 3 story cabin on the water's edge. lots of wilderness and animals...only nice bears please! yes i am a nature girl.
2. What did you want to be when you grew up?
--a vet, a dancer, a professional artist, and a millionaire so i could have a huge mansion for all the starving children in africa to live in (thought i could rescue the world then)
3. If you had to lose your sight or your hearing which one would you pick and why?
--i would hate not being able to hear my children's voices any longer, but would sacrifice it. not being able to see their faces would drive me insane, a smile, a tear, sunsets, water, flowers...i mean all the things we look pass and take for granted.

Full Disclosure

I will begin to post the questions others have already asked...by the way some really good ones...then will answer by tomorrow evening. Also will post others as they come, so come back...all are welcome
Eboni:
1. What is your favorite poem, and why?
--i am not sure if there is ONE favorite, several speak to me at different moments in my life. Phenomenal Woman because of its affirmation, A Poem Ran down My Arm by Alice Walker because of the purest form of love at the time, Poe's The Raven because of its insanity and darkness...ok enough for now
2. Not as a race, just as a color, what color would you be, and why?
--the color mauve, a combination of pinks and purples that exist beautifully together. its the color in wildflowers, in sunsets and the quiet moment before dawn, its the color of love.
3. What is one of your biggest fears, and why?
--damn, not living up to my full potential in the time i have left. i have spent a lot of time in fear and asleep, now that i am finally awakening into my SELF...will i have enough time?

Kim:
1. If you were allowed a secret language that could begin with only 1 letter, which letter would you choose, and why?
-- it would be the letter 'm', it is a softer sound, the lips come together then push the next letter out, it is also the sound of satisfaction, ecstasy, agreement, question and confusion...depending upon the variation of the sound of m
2. If you could be a poem (live literally on the lips, heart and mind of another) which would you be?
--it would be a love poem, though i don't think my heart has created it yet
3. True love or companionship? why?
--i know what companionship feels like, though secure and possibly life long, i struggle with the monotony of it....i yearn for the passion and unpredictability of true love.

Angel:
1. If Michelle & Desiree could both look like anything, what would that be?
--besides the hellified woman i am now LOL...umm a fairy butterfly, long whispy wings, dark hair down to my toes, with a devil's tail OR the ocean right at the edge of a jetty hiding a mermaid.
2. If you could have been a dancer in ANY music video, what video/song would that have been?
--first, i would of loved to had been the one shooting the video for D'Angelo...you know the one! I also would of liked to have been a dancer in any of Missy 's latest, her videos always look like a lot of fun.
3. What is your favorite childhood memory of elementary school?
--2nd grade, Sacred Heart Catholic School's weekly Show-n-Tell Day...i was always bringing some kind of creature to school...from bugs to turtles to furry things lol. i just knew i was going to be a vet, and loved showing off my animal expertise...never did find that dang lizard that got out LOL.

Grateful Wednesday...

i use to keep a journal specifically for this...been awhile, perhaps it has come back around for a reason.
1. reaching out and feeling soft hairs on a strong arm
2. knowing my strength and comfort resides within these 4 walls
3. allowing myself to just 'be', and loving it
4. enjoying seeing 'me' finally unfolding
5. staying in my lane LOL
6. realizing letting go is necessary
7. realizing fighting for something good is just as necessary
8. my mother calling me just to say hello
9. getting lost in a good book
10. writing for the pure passion of it again
11. pleased the 'diva' still resides within
--------------
oh yeah, another blogger also started the 'ask me anything, and i will answer'...3 questions of whatever...seriously, and i will answer. oh boy!!

Bits & Pieces

someone asked me why do i write?
i write because one day a poet spoke to the child in me, who was dying for the woman within to live again.
she rolled back the boulder and took the bindings from my eyes and my mouth, wrapped so tightly...she had to speak to me in sign language.
retaught the pain and the rainbows to exist again...

....everyday, i write my conception on placenta walls in utero just to be reborn, just because i want to feel my growing pains.
the cord between life and death is a brief one, so push and stretch past all boundaries...even if it snaps back at times.....

......those yet to come
prayers of redemption
revolutions started
love stories created
death resurrected.....

....to make sure their story
our story
my story
continues

that is why i write
------------------------------------------
...happy birthday.

I Am Dying Ova Here

ARGGGGGGH! I have misplaced a very important poetry notebook...realizing i haven't really seen it since Nationals...oh the agony, i am in mourning...please poet god's return your gift to me.

Lately, i have had some major career things drop in my lap...and with this latest one, i must say i am a bit scared. now i am not looking for sympathy comments or the attention, its just how i am feeling right now...and i am entitled to it, its part of the growth i guess...owning the feeling, and just letting it be for the moment.
will i be enough?
will i live up to the expectations?
am i enough?
i believe it stems from past feelings of inadequacy. relationships with men and women. men not willing to fight for something that could of been beautiful, or cheating situations...which of course is great for a woman's sense of self. if i had been enough, then why aren't you still around? or if i had been enough, then why did you have to look outside of 'us' to be fufilled? or friends who left without a second thought? i have always tried to be that perfect daughter, friend, girlfriend, student, mother, employee, etc....but seemingly always fallen short. when i see things going really good, i am great at self sabatoging. either i will walk away from it all, or procrastinate so much to the point failure is inevitable.
wow. yeah i guess i do.
now that is a hard pill to swallow...but swallowing nonetheless.
i know i am a good person, and i deserve good things...but i cannot help but to feel unworthy of such gifts.
i am scared i will mess up or not live up to my potential.
but how will i know if i don't at least try?
or give myself the benefit of the doubt?
not a pity party...
just talking myself through this ya'll...that's all

i loved you more
yesterday
than i do today,
and will love you even less
tomorrow...
unless,
my yesterdays are willing to make them remember...

Top 10 Reasons Why "Idlewild" was such A Damn Good Movie:

10. it was nothing i expected
9. the dance scenes were fantastic
8. cinematography was beautiful
7. sigh Terrance Howard, why does he always have to be soooo bad, 'cause he plays it sooooo damn good!
6. it will make you laugh, cry, get pissed off, talk to the screen, say what da hell!! all at once
5. it will re-establish any previous crushes on Andre, the man is quirky and eccentric, 2 wonderful qualities...and just damn beautiful...yes i am weird!
4. no white people, no offense...but you know what i mean (hey my mom is white, so don't get it twisted)
3. story lines, and there were a few, were interwoven perfectly...and were good
2. knowing there is nothing out there, past or present, like this movie
1. seeing trey run after the 104.3 radio van to get a much coveted Idlewild soundtrack CD....haha got mine too, but no running for mine heehee

can you tell i really liked it? sneak preview passes are great!! thanks for the heads up Joe B. Only thing missing? More of the crew (like you and the cruzan), but i know issues came up and strings were tightened.
Go see it people.
peace

nothing like a good debate...love it...teamie, a few months ago you would of shot everyone the bird and walked out the front door...i see you...smile

bluebonnet slam kicked my ass, but patting myself on the shoulder for spreading my wings a lil...great experience...will be back next year with force!

albq. wants team neosoul to come through on a mini tour in december...like fo real yo...wow
uh, this will uh be a true testament to what we are made of lol...ummm can't wait to see the snow....YEAH!!

so now i will finish the ______(sigh) told you i was a procrastinator dammit!

T is pissed at me right now...get over it...well it seems, while he was sleeping...um i cut off his mustache!
i wouldn't even call it a damn mustache, more like part hitler part fuzzy worm...my god i hated it!! guess i got a lil too scissor happy, and before i knew i had cut the whole thing off!! i'm chuckling now...quite mischievous of me heehee. woke him up when i was going in for the nose hair.
good think i have quick reflexes lol, otherwise he would of had his first piercing...
cracking myself up over here!!
i was like "oh, you look so handsome"
you know trying to butter him up...he looks at me weird as i have this really sweet innocent grin on my face lol...looks in the mirror, and you could tell his mouth was fixing to form some really fowl shit...he just put his head down and said "thank you, but i..." he didn't finish the sentence...instead stuck a toothbrush in his mouth...probably best.
well, you look very handsome i say, and skipped out of the room.
oh well
it will grow back
and i will be waiting LOL LOL LOL

I have officially awakened from my coma...seriously, like i have felt so out of it since sunday...i am alive now. i am still reeling from last week, still floating, still smiling...reality slowly setting in LOL
like damn, you can tell i wasn't home for almost a week.
and why has every fish in the tank bellied up except for one tough mofo...don't ask 'cause i still haven't got the full story myself...so i don't ask anymore either lol
kids started school monday...yeah!! my poor babies were bored to death this summer....42 PRACTICES!!! so they were ready to say the least.
my babyboy will be playing football this year. i have mixed emotions of course, he is skinny as a rail...but damn he can run. hopefully AWAY from all the big boys. and it didn't help at the parent's meeting last night that the coach informed us they average 2-3 broken arms per season......WHAT DA HELL!! i was so vivid with my reaction he pointed me out!! needless to say i will be a wreck at each and every game.
why didn't i have one damn camera last week? seriously....so please people help me out with copies...i am a duh duh head.
still thinking about it all...like does it get any better than this?
i feel so blessed
so humbled...

LIKE....WOW!!

i am still trying to wrap my mind around this past week
trying to find the words...even still
where to start? how about the end...
we never expected to get as far as we did, we did want to at least get to semi's...like wow we made it alllll the way to the FINAL stage!
its hard for me to even type the words...we are ranked second in the nation, and the top ranked texas team.
it was bittersweet not being up there with our sister team, the austin slam team...they have showed us nothing but love...thanku...i know without them there would be no us ya know.
the support shown by the neosoul crowd was amazing. they were there everynight cheering us on...i am sure i can speak for the team on this one..."THANKYOU, from the bottom of our hearts. Words are not enough for the show of support you have shown each one of us."
the poets i have long admired...
-rachel and anis make me want to throw away all my notebooks and pens for i am not worthy
the new friends i have made...
the words i have heard...
the lil moments, that proved to be most memorable...
-receiving a hug from Rachel, after giving her a cup of my hot tea (we were both having voice issues...i am still messed up)
-taylor mali wanting to speak to me about my piece, i was in such awe standing before him...i don't remember the whole conversation...dammit
-the tight hugs from women who appreciated the importance of 'dollology'
-kim and i having a moment...we did it girl
-seeing my baby brother with open arms for me on the final stage
-seeing the proud look on my daddy's face every damn night....been waiting for that for years now
-when you said you missed me....me too...me too
-seeing my brotha joe b. on a street corner with about 30-40 other poets singing his ass off...ON TOP OF THE MUTHFUCKIN' WORLD...JUST SHINING'!!
-watching erin leave her heart on stage, getting through the tears with encouragement...she speaks from the purest place...i believe one of the most unappreciated poets though
-meeting copasetic soul for the very first time, but feeling like old friends
-breaking down into a bubblin' mess @ ego's during semi's, so much just pent up inside...i knew before anyone said a word, after 'voices' we would be in finals...i just knew...sooo overwhelming
-watching kim's reaction after realizing where we were ranked wed. night....priceless!
-ok so i have a million more, but this blog space is not big enough for them alllllll.
it has been so humbling...i want to keep this feeling always.
i am sure all this week's blogs will be about nat's...so i apologize now.
i think it will be a couple of days, if not longer, before i start writing again...what i have seen and heard last week...i realize i am such a baby still when it comes to writing and performance.
but i feel the words brewing deep...so much more inside wanting to be freed ya know...just waiting for the damn to release, and hope that i am ready.
my teammates...well, got some words for you too...just not right now...but damn i love ya'll!

Our 15minutes.....

http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/story?oid=oid%3A392258

a rhythm out of sync
nevertheless a rhythm
offbeat days
synchronicity evades bedsheets
missed steps
along with missed lips
a continuous dance around the obvious
waiting for the endless song to end
or hear someone cut in
"may i have this dance?"

to change partners

or change dj's

...just change

random

slept in too long
dang vicadin
damn back
wonderful vicadin
2 cups of coffee
answer emails
this girl is pathetic
but been there
but never been this pathetic
hold that thought
he might need a restraining order soon
finding my voice
just piss me off
lol
you and i kicked ass last night
things are never as they seem
we learning
life is funny
always interesting
just hold on
next moment is better
i promise
3rd cup of coffee
damn its august
double damn nationals is next week
triple quadruple shit!!
our first bout is next wednesday
WE ARE READY!!
get it done
get the book done
front cover babeeeeeeeee!!
type
write
type
memorize
write
when?
now
right now!
memorize
when?
alllll the time!
finish the goddamn book
get off the blog
so u can finish the damn book!
shower
wash hair
memorize
where?
THERE!
in the shower
practice
write
type
get off the computer
bye bye!
i have seriously lost it!