Thursday, August 31, 2006

Full Disclosure

I will begin to post the questions others have already the way some really good ones...then will answer by tomorrow evening. Also will post others as they come, so come back...all are welcome
1. What is your favorite poem, and why?
--i am not sure if there is ONE favorite, several speak to me at different moments in my life. Phenomenal Woman because of its affirmation, A Poem Ran down My Arm by Alice Walker because of the purest form of love at the time, Poe's The Raven because of its insanity and darkness...ok enough for now
2. Not as a race, just as a color, what color would you be, and why?
--the color mauve, a combination of pinks and purples that exist beautifully together. its the color in wildflowers, in sunsets and the quiet moment before dawn, its the color of love.
3. What is one of your biggest fears, and why?
--damn, not living up to my full potential in the time i have left. i have spent a lot of time in fear and asleep, now that i am finally awakening into my SELF...will i have enough time?

1. If you were allowed a secret language that could begin with only 1 letter, which letter would you choose, and why?
-- it would be the letter 'm', it is a softer sound, the lips come together then push the next letter out, it is also the sound of satisfaction, ecstasy, agreement, question and confusion...depending upon the variation of the sound of m
2. If you could be a poem (live literally on the lips, heart and mind of another) which would you be?
--it would be a love poem, though i don't think my heart has created it yet
3. True love or companionship? why?
--i know what companionship feels like, though secure and possibly life long, i struggle with the monotony of it....i yearn for the passion and unpredictability of true love.

1. If Michelle & Desiree could both look like anything, what would that be?
--besides the hellified woman i am now LOL...umm a fairy butterfly, long whispy wings, dark hair down to my toes, with a devil's tail OR the ocean right at the edge of a jetty hiding a mermaid.
2. If you could have been a dancer in ANY music video, what video/song would that have been?
--first, i would of loved to had been the one shooting the video for D' know the one! I also would of liked to have been a dancer in any of Missy 's latest, her videos always look like a lot of fun.
3. What is your favorite childhood memory of elementary school?
--2nd grade, Sacred Heart Catholic School's weekly Show-n-Tell Day...i was always bringing some kind of creature to school...from bugs to turtles to furry things lol. i just knew i was going to be a vet, and loved showing off my animal expertise...never did find that dang lizard that got out LOL.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Grateful Wednesday...

i use to keep a journal specifically for this...been awhile, perhaps it has come back around for a reason.
1. reaching out and feeling soft hairs on a strong arm
2. knowing my strength and comfort resides within these 4 walls
3. allowing myself to just 'be', and loving it
4. enjoying seeing 'me' finally unfolding
5. staying in my lane LOL
6. realizing letting go is necessary
7. realizing fighting for something good is just as necessary
8. my mother calling me just to say hello
9. getting lost in a good book
10. writing for the pure passion of it again
11. pleased the 'diva' still resides within
oh yeah, another blogger also started the 'ask me anything, and i will answer'...3 questions of whatever...seriously, and i will answer. oh boy!!

Bits & Pieces

someone asked me why do i write?
i write because one day a poet spoke to the child in me, who was dying for the woman within to live again.
she rolled back the boulder and took the bindings from my eyes and my mouth, wrapped so tightly...she had to speak to me in sign language.
retaught the pain and the rainbows to exist again...

....everyday, i write my conception on placenta walls in utero just to be reborn, just because i want to feel my growing pains.
the cord between life and death is a brief one, so push and stretch past all boundaries...even if it snaps back at times.....

......those yet to come
prayers of redemption
revolutions started
love stories created
death resurrected..... make sure their story
our story
my story

that is why i write
...happy birthday.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I Am Dying Ova Here

ARGGGGGGH! I have misplaced a very important poetry notebook...realizing i haven't really seen it since Nationals...oh the agony, i am in mourning...please poet god's return your gift to me.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Lately, i have had some major career things drop in my lap...and with this latest one, i must say i am a bit scared. now i am not looking for sympathy comments or the attention, its just how i am feeling right now...and i am entitled to it, its part of the growth i guess...owning the feeling, and just letting it be for the moment.
will i be enough?
will i live up to the expectations?
am i enough?
i believe it stems from past feelings of inadequacy. relationships with men and women. men not willing to fight for something that could of been beautiful, or cheating situations...which of course is great for a woman's sense of self. if i had been enough, then why aren't you still around? or if i had been enough, then why did you have to look outside of 'us' to be fufilled? or friends who left without a second thought? i have always tried to be that perfect daughter, friend, girlfriend, student, mother, employee, etc....but seemingly always fallen short. when i see things going really good, i am great at self sabatoging. either i will walk away from it all, or procrastinate so much to the point failure is inevitable.
wow. yeah i guess i do.
now that is a hard pill to swallow...but swallowing nonetheless.
i know i am a good person, and i deserve good things...but i cannot help but to feel unworthy of such gifts.
i am scared i will mess up or not live up to my potential.
but how will i know if i don't at least try?
or give myself the benefit of the doubt?
not a pity party...
just talking myself through this ya'll...that's all

Thursday, August 24, 2006

i loved you more
than i do today,
and will love you even less
my yesterdays are willing to make them remember...

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Why "Idlewild" was such A Damn Good Movie:

10. it was nothing i expected
9. the dance scenes were fantastic
8. cinematography was beautiful
7. sigh Terrance Howard, why does he always have to be soooo bad, 'cause he plays it sooooo damn good!
6. it will make you laugh, cry, get pissed off, talk to the screen, say what da hell!! all at once
5. it will re-establish any previous crushes on Andre, the man is quirky and eccentric, 2 wonderful qualities...and just damn beautiful...yes i am weird!
4. no white people, no offense...but you know what i mean (hey my mom is white, so don't get it twisted)
3. story lines, and there were a few, were interwoven perfectly...and were good
2. knowing there is nothing out there, past or present, like this movie
1. seeing trey run after the 104.3 radio van to get a much coveted Idlewild soundtrack CD....haha got mine too, but no running for mine heehee

can you tell i really liked it? sneak preview passes are great!! thanks for the heads up Joe B. Only thing missing? More of the crew (like you and the cruzan), but i know issues came up and strings were tightened.
Go see it people.

Monday, August 21, 2006

nothing like a good it...teamie, a few months ago you would of shot everyone the bird and walked out the front door...i see

bluebonnet slam kicked my ass, but patting myself on the shoulder for spreading my wings a lil...great experience...will be back next year with force!

albq. wants team neosoul to come through on a mini tour in fo real
uh, this will uh be a true testament to what we are made of lol...ummm can't wait to see the snow....YEAH!!

so now i will finish the ______(sigh) told you i was a procrastinator dammit!

T is pissed at me right now...get over it...well it seems, while he was i cut off his mustache!
i wouldn't even call it a damn mustache, more like part hitler part fuzzy god i hated it!! guess i got a lil too scissor happy, and before i knew i had cut the whole thing off!! i'm chuckling now...quite mischievous of me heehee. woke him up when i was going in for the nose hair.
good think i have quick reflexes lol, otherwise he would of had his first piercing...
cracking myself up over here!!
i was like "oh, you look so handsome"
you know trying to butter him up...he looks at me weird as i have this really sweet innocent grin on my face lol...looks in the mirror, and you could tell his mouth was fixing to form some really fowl shit...he just put his head down and said "thank you, but i..." he didn't finish the sentence...instead stuck a toothbrush in his mouth...probably best.
well, you look very handsome i say, and skipped out of the room.
oh well
it will grow back
and i will be waiting LOL LOL LOL

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I have officially awakened from my coma...seriously, like i have felt so out of it since sunday...i am alive now. i am still reeling from last week, still floating, still smiling...reality slowly setting in LOL
like damn, you can tell i wasn't home for almost a week.
and why has every fish in the tank bellied up except for one tough mofo...don't ask 'cause i still haven't got the full story i don't ask anymore either lol
kids started school monday...yeah!! my poor babies were bored to death this summer....42 PRACTICES!!! so they were ready to say the least.
my babyboy will be playing football this year. i have mixed emotions of course, he is skinny as a rail...but damn he can run. hopefully AWAY from all the big boys. and it didn't help at the parent's meeting last night that the coach informed us they average 2-3 broken arms per season......WHAT DA HELL!! i was so vivid with my reaction he pointed me out!! needless to say i will be a wreck at each and every game.
why didn't i have one damn camera last week? please people help me out with copies...i am a duh duh head.
still thinking about it does it get any better than this?
i feel so blessed
so humbled...

Monday, August 14, 2006


i am still trying to wrap my mind around this past week
trying to find the words...even still
where to start? how about the end...
we never expected to get as far as we did, we did want to at least get to semi' wow we made it alllll the way to the FINAL stage!
its hard for me to even type the words...we are ranked second in the nation, and the top ranked texas team.
it was bittersweet not being up there with our sister team, the austin slam team...they have showed us nothing but love...thanku...i know without them there would be no us ya know.
the support shown by the neosoul crowd was amazing. they were there everynight cheering us on...i am sure i can speak for the team on this one..."THANKYOU, from the bottom of our hearts. Words are not enough for the show of support you have shown each one of us."
the poets i have long admired...
-rachel and anis make me want to throw away all my notebooks and pens for i am not worthy
the new friends i have made...
the words i have heard...
the lil moments, that proved to be most memorable...
-receiving a hug from Rachel, after giving her a cup of my hot tea (we were both having voice issues...i am still messed up)
-taylor mali wanting to speak to me about my piece, i was in such awe standing before him...i don't remember the whole conversation...dammit
-the tight hugs from women who appreciated the importance of 'dollology'
-kim and i having a moment...we did it girl
-seeing my baby brother with open arms for me on the final stage
-seeing the proud look on my daddy's face every damn night....been waiting for that for years now
-when you said you missed too
-seeing my brotha joe b. on a street corner with about 30-40 other poets singing his ass off...ON TOP OF THE MUTHFUCKIN' WORLD...JUST SHINING'!!
-watching erin leave her heart on stage, getting through the tears with encouragement...she speaks from the purest place...i believe one of the most unappreciated poets though
-meeting copasetic soul for the very first time, but feeling like old friends
-breaking down into a bubblin' mess @ ego's during semi's, so much just pent up inside...i knew before anyone said a word, after 'voices' we would be in finals...i just knew...sooo overwhelming
-watching kim's reaction after realizing where we were ranked wed. night....priceless!
-ok so i have a million more, but this blog space is not big enough for them alllllll.
it has been so humbling...i want to keep this feeling always.
i am sure all this week's blogs will be about nat' i apologize now.
i think it will be a couple of days, if not longer, before i start writing again...what i have seen and heard last week...i realize i am such a baby still when it comes to writing and performance.
but i feel the words brewing much more inside wanting to be freed ya know...just waiting for the damn to release, and hope that i am ready.
my teammates...well, got some words for you too...just not right now...but damn i love ya'll!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

a rhythm out of sync
nevertheless a rhythm
offbeat days
synchronicity evades bedsheets
missed steps
along with missed lips
a continuous dance around the obvious
waiting for the endless song to end
or hear someone cut in
"may i have this dance?"
to change partners
or change dj's
...just change

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


slept in too long
dang vicadin
damn back
wonderful vicadin
2 cups of coffee
answer emails
this girl is pathetic
but been there
but never been this pathetic
hold that thought
he might need a restraining order soon
finding my voice
just piss me off
you and i kicked ass last night
things are never as they seem
we learning
life is funny
always interesting
just hold on
next moment is better
i promise
3rd cup of coffee
damn its august
double damn nationals is next week
triple quadruple shit!!
our first bout is next wednesday
get it done
get the book done
front cover babeeeeeeeee!!

right now!
alllll the time!
finish the goddamn book
get off the blog
so u can finish the damn book!
wash hair

in the shower
get off the computer
bye bye!
i have seriously lost it!