Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Are U Serious?

so has anyone else seen these damn beer commercials?
where the giant can of beer drops from the sky onto an unsuspecting dude caught being sensitive?
then the announcer says 'be a man, drink (cant remember the name of the beer)'
i started to laugh, but then i was like whoa!!! what the hell!!??
so a man isnt a TRUE man if he is caught being sensitive or caring?
Man up!!!!
thoughts or responses??

Sunday, December 25, 2005

family ties...con't

not related directly to previous post. but directly related to the ties that bind.
yes, its after midnight and i still have a million and one things to do.
didn't i say i wouldn't do this again this year? i have improved though, not worrying too much about everybody in my life getting something from me that will probably get lost or broken, or worse-forgotten along the way.
i think the best gift i could give is of myself anyway.
the best gift to receive these days...friends and family...truly blessed to have some friends i consider family
lately i have spent a lot of quality time w/ my own seeds, realizing just how much i truly have missed them
realizing just how damn funny they are...so unique...damn they actually came from me
realizing just how good they are for my soul
but i'm still not ready to come home
home-funny word, simple word very complicated
i look around at the home i once made, dust has collected in many corners
things i thought mattered...no longer do
its their home now, yet a figment of my own imagination
so i try to help out as much as i can for their reality
to help the man they are a part of, that i was a part of for over 14years
will continue to be a part of....but different kind of way now
i know he tries to do the best he can with what he has, but its hard for him, its hard for a man
he didn't realize just how much i actually did to keep it 'home'
i didn't realize just how much i actually did, still so much to be done
didn't realize how empty my own lil apt is-not a home-wondering if i will ever find a 'home' again?
wondering if 'someone special' will ever enter my life again
when will i breathe again?
not actually how i intended for this blog to be, but guess it went where it was suppose to go
i have presents to wrap and pies to bake....Merry Christmas all you beautiful people

Monday, December 19, 2005

Tag!! You're It!!

so perhaps a lil behind again in the blogging dept.
lets try this, since i have been tagged twice

3 screen names i have:

3 physical things i like about myself:
my eyes
my hair
my toes

3 physical things i don't like about myself:
my hair (again-a love/hate relationship)
my weight
my calves (too thick for long sexy boots)

3 parts of my heritage:
beautiful black

3 of my everyday essentials:
my pen/journal
hearing my kids laugh
to be still

3 of my favorite musicians:
rachelle ferrell

3 of my favorite songs:
all u got to do is say yes (floetry)
how about any of Ceelo's
i remember (kem)

3 hobbies:

3 things i want in a relationship:
mutual honesty
mutual respect

3 lies:
i'm okay/fine/alright
i'll call
yes i did come(lol)

3 things i want to do really bad right now (w/a special someone):
kiss his lips
laugh in each others arms until it hurts
embarass the universe with our love

3 careers i've considered:
forensic patholigist
personal shopper for the rich

3 kids names i like:
jewel (grandmother's name)

3 ways i'm a stereotypical dude/lady:
i pout
jealous streak
love being taken care of

Saturday, December 03, 2005


last night...i don't even know if i have the words. Some of these bad azz poets, i hold dear to my heart, got together @ a Carribean Lights...opened up for All U Need.
What can i say....we rocked the shyt out of that place. The band was amazing, but i do believe the crowd was feeling the poets more!!!Yes!!!
I love the spoken word, i just love words period...the diversity was amazing on the mic.
i was pleasently surprised by Jazz Man showing up, so of course i had to do the piece inspired by him.
my big brotha b has taken my piece to another level...love u b...u r amazing!
had not heard the latest version
he was not ready for it
he was spellbound
mission accomplished
and he was not ready for Knowtorious 13 either LOL...u made him blush LOL...
i mean i think i have to put last night up there with some of the best memories of my life...i don't know what made it so special this night, but it was incredible.
the atmosphere, the Pink Panthers(OMG!!),the band, the poets, my friends, my family, the laughs, the word....all i can say is its good to be alive
ya know

Saturday, November 26, 2005

family ties

so i came up to Conroe basically kicking and screaming. but i kept it all to myself. over 14yrs and every holiday has been spent w/ him, then w/ my babies. so i went quietly kicking and screaming. hard to break a bond.no matter how weak the perception. i did not know how the family, my family, would recieve me. my own guilt caused preconceived notions. wow was i wrong.glad i was.open arms and hearts from almost everyone. i say almost everyone, cause the one i knew would put on the fake face-did-she is also the gossiper of the family-so expected-no love loss. so many people make the trip to this home full of love.seriously. between 11am-midnight over 100 people made their way thru the doors, bringing something....damn should of seen the food the food the food the food the food here.deserts deserts deserts deserts!! 7up cake OMG! ya'll folks know what i mean.but we are in conroe country and this is some good down home country people here too. Coon, yes racoon, was right next to the turkey and ham...oh yeah did i mention somebody brought some moonshine....damn serious!! one of the elder matriarchs of the family no less. lol. yep moonshine. i didn't know folks still made that fire!!
no i didn't try it....chicken i guess or maybe smart.
i sat back and watched this family, my family, but still felt like an outsider. or was i the one who chose to be on the other side of the window lookin in? down home good people. always welcoming. uncle buck or 'daddy' i call him, my kid's big pop, and his brother uncle buddy argued alllllll day long. well not really. more like bragging rights. its hilarious. everyonce in awhile aunt jenni lee would jump in (also the one who drinks too much/wants too dance w/everyone....ya'll know the one in every family)now here is the ultimate bragging rights between these brothas. 'daddy' has an 8yr old son, meaning Tarik(38)has and 8yr old brotha.so of course, uncle buddy did not want to be outdone...now has a 3yr old...of course not unsual...but did i mention both of these grown ass men are in their mid 60's!! lol lol...oh and her name is 'miracle' seriously
anyway after much indulging and grazing all day. after the constant bragging rights 'arguing', the laughter, the constant motions....the house became quiet...and i missed it, wanted all the commotion to continue-to comeback. what the hell was that!!oh the kid's uncle, anthony, snoring in the lounge chair...put it this way he would give Big Brotha B a run for his money!!!
went to the computer, surfed awhile, reading my blog. tarik wanted to know what it was so i let him read it, well most of 'em. he looked at me, and said i didn't know, i am so sorry. what r u sorry for? im sorry for not supporting u, for not realizing how important poetry is to u and the family u have now become a part of, for not understanding. i'm sorry.
wow like i have said it soooo much, but i guess to SEE it in black n white is a hit on the head. for tarik, it was like being hit by a truck and i was driving.
to be continued......

Thursday, November 24, 2005

soulful eyes of u

i watched from across the room w/o knowing
but knowing
it was u
waited for your seed to make the connection
your hands felt like home
warm and worn
from years of just being a woman
but your eyes
if i never see u again
your eyes will always comfort me
familiarity w/in the rarity
eyes not as dark as he
but still dark enough for secrets
told and untold
bless u for blessing me
w/his birth
w/us meeting
w/your teachings
thru him
for u
for him

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

thoughts random repeated

got called out of class being 5min late
are u kidding me
u were late yesterday
learned nothing constantly
how do u learn nothing constantly
get back w/u on that one
felt like f******grade school getting called out
oh yeah and again being late from lunch
call it the rebel in me
i didn't give a blank blank
daughter returned home yesterday
birthday is sunday
yeah i got a gift for ya ass
bus ticket to your dads....one way
coworker SAYS she is wking on her MASTERS (no less)for cosmotology...uhhhhhh yeah u feel me on that one huh...sweet girl though
dont believe the hype
shopping can drive the blues away...
so can a ride on the green train...thanks for that Relentless
don't want to go to conroe and be around a bunch of fake smiles and hugs of prejudgement
might be spending turkey day alone
but i am cool w/that
mean cook in the kitchen i am
so misunderstood
am i less of a mother not having mine w/me?
then why does he constantly make me feel less of a woman for it
but then says i am the one for him
no mofo!! u just don't want anyone ELSE having me
bitter...damn right!!!
damn still need a couch-chairs getting hard-floor even harder
harder....brings back thoughts of u....lol
i really need to quit
time to take my meds
uh huh

Saturday, November 19, 2005

random thoughts of a bonified lunatic

so i am at wk right now
totally bored with this oh so f#&*@#* stimulating job...but hey it pays the bills
damn i have got to go back to school
and i have a damn degree already
wishing i was at hm in my warm bed beside my warm...oh yeah aint nobody there...
well guess i have another date w/mr stickup
cheap date
always at attention and never talks back
do guys really think they can get the panties by saying "hey are we going to fu** tonite?
are u serious
wait i think i have said that before to someone
lol and it worked....hmmm
why won't my child use deo...does she he and she not smell themselves
and laugh when u ask them
that shit aint funny
asked for seasonal promotion-got it-supervisor is trippin-making 500 dollars more than usual now-when season is over-want me back-are u serious-back to less than 500 dollars-uh hold that thought
gas prices have dropped dramatically
so was there really a shortage
or actually a LONGAGE-yes i said longage-of greed
why won't men do what they say
why lie
u r not that cute
tracy always told me men are like buses, there is one every 15 min
i think the next bus took a detour somewhere
is this the right curb to be standing on
how often do the women come around...checking watch
i need a cat...or a cute lil dog...dogs have to be walked/your hours are too weird for a dog...cat then
which is better...red hairs....or sticky icky....or sticky icky w/ red hairs
tell u later
damn what am i going to wear tonite?
something desi or shelle/perhaps somewhere in between
his mom will be there...better do somewhere in between
do your thang brotha...very proud more than u know
my hands are starting to look old
well hell u are
still cute though
uh huh
get out my head
i am your head stupid
back to my original random thoughts of a bonified lunatic...................
im bored

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

thoughts of u

my brain yells
my heart cries
and my spirit aches
none paying attention to the other
each in its own misery
too blind to see
the need
for connection
spirit is endless
even after
the last heartbeat
and the mind remembers memories
the mind remembers
the mind
a collection of thoughts
store housing yesteryears
tears and fears
funny how a sound
a smell
a word
can conjure up a smile
a tear
or both
melancholy thoughts
thoughts gone
thoughts forgotten
now front and center
like a caged bird
with the door left open
yet just looks at it
looks at the sky
know it will never fly
so it tucks its wings
and from her throat
comes the most beautiful song
the door still lays open
the memories still haunting
and i remember

Sunday, November 13, 2005

windows of highways

looking out thru the windows
to the highway called my life
18 wheelers barreling down
pushing up against the bumpers
of the ordinary
got my headlights on high
gas tank is low
last stop miles ago
going south
on northbound lanes
entry ramp wrong way
heading down the highway
looking at my life
thru fogged up windows
or dirty
can't tell which
right now
take out my heart
wipe it clean
see me
standing on the corner
with cardboard sign of my soul
will work for love
slightly bruised
very worn
i scream at me
with outstretched hands
for change
i throw at me
what i can spare
see me
falling to knees
in rear view
i lock eyes w/ my own
pray to give her
give me
another day

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

so misunderstood

i think when it comes to matters of the heart, i am the most misunderstood person around. i want one thing, always get another.
i get what i need, and jeapordize it so i make it go away
it goes away, then i spend too much energy trying to get it back
its simple really, so why all the complications?
i want to be in love, actually i want to be loved unconditionally
the way i love others, with all their faults an hangups
love me with all my own faults and hangups
yes i need work....got issues...who the hell does not?!
yes i am working on them, but i am being drained by those who profess to have my best interest at hand.
constantly taking constantly taking constantly taking
i don't mind giving, that is my spirit....but leave me with something
or at least stay awhile
when i have something to say, listen
with both ears, not on the way out
i have so many beautiful people in my life, a few i keep very close to my heart
others i don't know why i do
perhaps i am a taker myself, they serve some purpose or else why would i bother?
i play the sexy vixen well
well desiree does
but i am so tired of the image others want of me
not the real me
they want the wild sexy me, the sexy voice me, the sexy clothes wearing me
when actually
i am a simple girl with simple ways
who just wants to be loved
to be taken seriously
to be understood.....to be validated
i find it hard to stay alive
its a struggle
everyday i contemplate what i have done thrice before, but guess God had other plans
vicadin and tequila can be a deadly mixture
drank the tequila last night in the darkness by candlelight
played with the vicadin on the table
would falling in love help me?
perhaps not, but at least i would have a soft place to fall
so simple
so misunderstood

Sunday, November 06, 2005


the scent of lavender creeps
onto dull senses
lulling them to sleep
annointing emotions
with the oiliness
of feeling
taking the lunacy
from nightmares
haunting night after night
allowing the ego
to dream
of more than of id
suspended alliterations
metaphors and similies
expressing me
no more preset molds
stories fortold
seeking answers
before they are spoken
the saline of life
stinging open wounds
salt crusting
like white lies
on black lips
this abstract entity
called my soul awaits
for its remolding
its rebirth
from divine hands
i awake from this remote dreamworld
look down at my hands
and smile
for i discover
they are

Thursday, November 03, 2005


yes i am the forbidden fruit u r craving
for the taste
gave u a chance and u made haste
froze up punked out
guess how to do a sistah 101 was not taught in the marines
did a whole lot of talking
but only saw me walking
scardy cat of my cat
should of called you while he
was behind hitting that g
heard what u were missing see
naw naw lost all your cool point definitely
forbidden i will always now be
watch look and listen
savor from afar
whisper in my ear if ya want to
naw naw lil white boy u cannot taste my sexuality

naw naw too many others out there to be upset
don't have time for stragglers
i think the tequila is still in my system right now lol
ya'll have a good day
the sun is shining ya'll
even after the moon being high alllll night

in my cd player now: Talib's cd....hot hot hot
can't wait for the concert
reading now: black girl....get it to ya soon 13
feeling like: can take over the world if i wanted to..who will be my king? or queen?

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

the heart of a son

it is amazing what 24hrs can do for the soul. i mean if u at least give yourself that option to hang on just a lil bit longer.
and i did
my son
he is such a beautiful soul. an amazing kid. if i can say so myself. sorta partial ya know. his sense of humor is insane. quick witted and smart as a whip. always has had a fascination with numbers, especially time.
time.....can be stolen away, make u or break u, never enough
i digress
very sensitive child though, gets a lot of flack from his sisters. hard being a boy in a house full of women.
never forget when my own father called him a punk. i went the hell off!! came close to calling him out his name. forgive me. needless to say, he won't refer to his grandson as a 'punk' again. and if a punk means being sensitive to the world or likes picking his mother flowers. or still snuggling with me even if he is 11. or likes brushing my hair....then shit a punk we ALL should be. dont get me wrong i worry constantly of his acrobatics, just how does he move his body like that. he would love dashade. he will stare any perceived enemy in the eye, does not backdown for anything. scary how he looks inside of you. and don't put any game controller in his hand. he will have u crying to your own mother for help.lol.
my son
he grabbed me last night and just held onto me, as if he knew my pain inside. he said mommy u r so soft and i love the way u smell. blush. i love u. i love u too mommy. u r the best mommmy in the world. i laugh. i am the only mommy u have. i know, but if i had another one, u still would be the best.
my son
my legacy
my heart
my reason

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

an open convo to myself

i hurt enough as it is (u need to b stronger like me)but i thought he would understand, he always does, he said he knows me like no other (well maybe he chooses not to know u any longer)he said he has his own demons (no, what he was saying was f*** you u r own your own, no longer wants to be bothered)but....(but what? u could of been found days later, and he didn't even call to check on you)
nevermind (exactly....cut the ties)but....(but what? cut the fu***** ties)easier said than done (here stupid i have scissors)
why would they lie? (did u really expect them to be there?)yes i did (well i knew they weren't coming)but why lie about it or make up excuses? (did u really think they would surprise you this time and be front and center, someone u can count on?)yes i did, i keep trying you know (well stop, its exhausting)but they are my parents (and?)my family (and?)you are very harsh (no just thicker skinned than u, i have watched them all my life, been there with you through it all....my skin has been thickening since the womb)
are u serious? (yes, how do u think i developed so much faster than u?)i'm trying, i just want acceptance from them (laughing...well u will put yourself in an early grave trying to get that from them)u are cold? (no not cold, well...maybe, but i have to just to survive...in order for US to survive...sighing)
i love u
i know
i love u too

Thursday, October 27, 2005

conversation standing barefoot on 135 @ 1am

me: hi
officer: how r u?
me: fine
officer: i pulled u over because your registration has expired
me: yes sir
officer: may i see you dl, proof of registration, and insurance please
me: yes sir (shit im gone...handed him id, insurance, and registration)
officer: you don't have an license?
me: not anymore sir
officer: how old r u?
me: 37 sir
officer: you know better right?
me: yes sir i do
officer:hold on (walks to his car)
me: (crap i'm soooo gone)
officer: ma'am do u have shoes on?
me: no sir
officer:can u put them on?
(now i know im gone)
me: my shoes were killing me sir, do i have to put them back on
officer: thats up to u, please come back here with me
(i turn to put my phone down....female cop smiling at me from passenger side...where the hell did she come from?...her hand was on her gun...images of me getting my head blown off...images of others getting the same fate)
officer: have u been drinking tonite?
me: yes sir
officer: how many?
me: one drink sir.........(YEAH RIGHT)
officer: have u had any illicit drugs tonite?
me: no sir........(YEAH RIGHT)
officer: then u wouldn't mind if i have my dog come and search your car
me: no sir not at all(trying not to flinch, calling his bluff.....there really was no dog)
officer: where r u coming from?
me: antonios
officer: u wk there?
me: no sir, i am a poet...we have an open mic every wednesday (crap just told him how to find me....wondering if i should invite him to the showcase on sat?)
officer: you know if i really want to push the issue i would say that tag on your window is illegal
me: the green one sir?
me: yes sir, you would be right
officer: thank u for your honesty (then proceeds to issue me 4 citations)
officer: please take care of these before next month okay
me: i will sir, thank u
officer: have a good night ma'am
me: the same to u sir
crap crap crap double crap
so honesty is the best policy
anybody got a money tree i can have?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

i can't find the words

i have been in a writing funk lately. bits and pieces come to me, nothing ever completed. though in a funk, i feel something brewing just below the surface...like watching a pot boil on simmer. my fellow poet and friend, who i also claim my big brotha b has been such an inspiration for me. he is one of the few people in my life that require nothing of me but to just 'be'. so we got together last night for a one on one writing lab. did some good...the piece he is working on is phenomenal...and i hope he shares it soon w/the rest of us. we gave one another subjects and words to use -so here it goes-in progress of course:
Open notebook
pages before me-empty
empty like a mother's arms awaiting her firt born
who will never return from war
the silence of my mind
of my own pen
is deafening
i cant find the words

nouns, verbs, metaphors and similies
play hide and seek within the corners of my mind
and i'm always it
laid out
stretched too thin
i torment myself
with this game of cat and mouse
only to be trapped inside a cage with no bars
a life sentence
i plead for clemency
even parole will do

at night i pray to the poet gods for clarity
lay sacrifices of cannibus at their feet
they tease me in my sleep
speak to me in whispers and ironies
with promises of tomorrow you will write
only to allude one more time come mornng light
i feel like i'm failing fast
feriously fighting for a poet's faith
only to freefall thru my own mind
like alice in wonder land

doubt feels these pages
i know what it is to be blind
for i see nothing
i just cant find the words
abandoned by my own or was it mutiny?
for stagnancy and mediocracy have taken over
like a virus invading the thought process only to process nothing
i need an injection to cure this viral infection of writer's block

i want to become my own surgeon
extract my brain
dissect my memories
let the past and present spill onto this paper
take my heart out
give it a beat
a cadence
extract my soul
give it life
amputate my hands
so it will grab you and pull you in
sever my veins
let the blood fll my pen
recreate who it is i am
or yet to be
....................................not finished

Friday, October 21, 2005

Observing thru the haze w/in my mind

wedneday night i did not partake in the feast of the-as usual-hot azz mic. several reasons as to why. it was quite an interesting experience just merely watching. i had to leave my seat and stand against the wall to really take it all in. People never fail to amaze me....and poets, well we are in a league of our own. i saw perfection ats its peak, saw some who just needed to be heard, saw weights lifted and burdens shifted. i saw the timid hide what they dare not read, of you i say comeback please.i saw how some crave the mic, for it is the only place they are able to be heard. i saw smiles, grimaces, rolling of the eyes, and tears fall. i saw myself then, now, and where i want to be, in all of these faces. i am coming to yet another crossroad in my life. strange feeling, like traveling on a path made but no stones unturned yet, the setting sun at your back and the moon is your only source of light. bring a light jacket, winds of change are coming.
i feel her screaming at me w/in the lining of my soul. she is tired of my own mediocracy, has always expected more of me...yet i always let myself down. she has words dying to be heard, but will i die before they are heard?
i feel her fire burning, but i keep water by my pen....why?
pray for the poet god's to sacrifice my soul for her freedom...for her words to be heard.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

sunshine, fuzzy slippers, and laughter til it hurts

So it was moving day for me again. Bitter sweet. Left a place i love, left a friend i will miss hanging out w/in the kitchen or across the pool table. Will miss an amazing young man (always will be auntie)and a beautiful lil girl who says "Hi shelle" with the utmost enthusiasm. I didn't plan on asking anyone to help, i don't do very well in that particular dept. But a ray of sunshine refused to listen to my solo move and came anyway. Thank God! I don't know what i would of done w/o Sarah. She came down thurs. night.late night snacks along w/ late night smokey smoke. Watched the most amazing light show take place among the clouds in a jet black night sky. Reminded me of the scene in Close Encounters, when the mother ship was behind the clouds. Hmm i wonder. Anyway, tried to watch a dvd. I fell asleep, and of course started the most annoying habit-snoring. damn i hate that about myself. where are those dang nose strips! Woke up early friday. rushed across town to take my son to 6th grade orientation. bittersweet as well. i realize i have no more babies in elementary. growing up so fast, and i still want to hold on and scream slow down dammit!! my fraile lil man looks so helpless to me among these giants in middle school. but of course that is from a mother's perspective.he keeps smiling, and i keep hugging, w/ a solitary tear waiting to fall and a huge lump in my throat....
now off to pick up my keys!!
I don't know who is more excited, myself or sarah. her enthusiasm is infectious. hence i call her "my sunshine." We take a quick peek at my new spot. YES!! give each other high 5 and do the happy dance.So we load up. let me tell you this sistah can move some shiznit!!what i didn't pack in boxes. she threw in heavy steel garbage bags, and i mean threw it in there. coming down the stairs looking like a red faced santa clause with sacks slung over her shoulder!Sarah's Moving Service-real cheap/real fast!!
We did it though. did it through much sweat. who in the hell said i wanted 2nd floor-oh yeah that would be me. we laid out on the floor among a smokey haze.smile.took a shower.no not together, what the hell were YOU thinking, huh?
got dressed, 'cause it was time to grub. headed over to cheddar's and ate up some stuff. they have the most amazing onion rings. still haven't tried my girl 13's favorite-Monte Cristo, but i will get around to it. damn waitress was irritating the hell out of sarah, but she left her a tip anyway.
hit up wally-world, cause when i say i'm starting over...believe me I'm starting over. it is amazing just the basics you need, forget the frills...find me a damn pot and a plate to eat off of. okay so we got one frill--matching outrageous furry rainbow slippers!!! which we wore playing Catch Phrase, and even did a jig...cause i was happy.
there is nothing like gut hurting,face turning red,tear flowing-laughter w/ a girlfriend. oh yeah w/matching outrageous furry rainbow slippers too, no doubt.
we passed out around 1am.
like i said, i'm glad she came up and helped out...otherwise i would still be moving. side bar-13 forgive me for not letting u know, thought i had told u i was moving, i know u would of helped if i had asked, my bad...still love me?
so now i'm here in my new spot. a continuation of this fabulous journey i call my life.seems steps are finally going up and forward, rather than down and backwards for a change.
Sunshine always has a way of saying the best affirmations to me. Her spirit and heart is of gold, and i will say thanks my melanin challenged sistah for everything you are, and everything you mean to me.xxoo
Sunshine stretched out her arms and said "I see much growth happening w/in these walls for you."
i smile like the angels had just whispered in my ears.
yep, i think so too....i think so too.

Friday, June 17, 2005

To Be Still

There is always an inner voice whispering to us, even within this madness of loudness we call life. I am learning to become still again. Learning to be quiet and listen again. I have been so loud w/in myself and outside myself, that the screams of life is the only way "She" has gotten my attention lately. Basically, sending me to my corner until i "get it"....my time out. Brandy reminded me of what i was and still am...a listener and an observer. I too, find myself talking way too much than i should lately. My words, to some, seem to get misunderstood, judged and misdirected...forgive me, for my heart means no harm. I make others laugh to keep myself from crying. Life asks a lot from me, but now its time for me to ask a lot from life. Even in my new found remembered silence. Its okay to be quiet, to be still. Perhaps we keep busy so we don't have to deal w/ "us", or to find out who we really are. Less verbal from me does not mean knowing less of me. My silence and my observational presence speaks volumes, just take the time to actually see me and you will hear me. Read me like the next best seller.
I love to hear people talk about themselves, but i often listen for what they DON'T say. I can FEEL people when I am around them. See what they hide. I remember as a lil girl, my daddy would bring me around his friends and often ask me what do i feel about them. He would always listen to me when i felt people didn't have my daddy's best interest at heart, or were just not right. I need to get back to this place w/in myself, for people always will show u who they really are...even thru faulty smiles and hugs.So don't think i am withdrawing, on the contrary, i am really plugging into my life. Yes, silence makes people uncomfortable, but it really is okay. Right now, it is what i need and what i crave. To find the lil girl in this woman of two, so she can teach me again the ways of before. To teach me simply the beauty of me.

Saturday, June 11, 2005


he writes from his very soul
passion from his veins
throbs into his brain
until it cannot be contained
metaphors and similes bow down to his command
as long slender fingers write
what a broken soul tucks away
the pen finds it
redefines it
and pulls it thru
sometimes the words burn holes in the paper
'cause the devil knows he is losing this soul
So he tries another way to keep a hold
Give him the mic, and make it powerful
Give him a name "without mercy"
Give him this aphrodisiac he and they
cannot resist
Don't give him clarity
Give them and he superficiality
for the moment
in the meantime
Keep his head clouded
Keep his blood intoxicated
Direct him from his path
From his destiny
An angel's tears,like shattered glass
etch lines of forgiveness down her face
she screams thru muted whisphers
and the gates of hell fall open
releasing his transgressions upon the back of an angel's torn wing

Monday, June 06, 2005

Academic but Inspiring

I know, I know some may say it is futile or so academic, but i find or poet writing labs inspirational. I love words as well...don't most poets. I mean we give life to otherwise mundane words. Make the ordinary into extraordinary. Make new definitions and bend the rules.
writing exercise:given a subject/given letters/pick words w/group/then given 20min to write using these words
My subject: Jazz & Life
words: everlasting/euphoria
I sit back and reminisce
as far back as before
before when life was as melodious as a child's laughter
playing on front porches
innocent in its simplicity
everlasting soulful beats ovulate
as the conception of this being comes into existance
an original score
written among smokey rooms and back alleys
storms brewing
i close my eyes
feeling the rain drum against my skin
each raindrop falls where it is suppose to hit
a beat
a cadence
creative order written
as soothing but still haunting as Thelonious and Miles
creating a euphoria of song and dance
that only thru my ascension in life
do i understand its rhythm

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover
You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Were You Sober?

This was the question a friend recently asked me, peeking down the back of my shirt as she viewed my very freshly inked tattoo. "Very much so," I replied. I wouldn't have it any other way. Last thursday i spent over 4 hours at a local tattoo shop, 31/2 of those spent under the mercy of the gun. I have 3 other tats, so one more was just routine...at least I thought. I don't like avg. "what everybody else has" tattoos, because i am not ordinary and i don't follow the day to day grind...though outward appearances can fool you. My first tat over 9 years ago...a naked woman riding a crescent moon...symbolizes my sexuality and the beauty w/in. My second...a serpent dragon...symbolizes my dark side. My third flows down the back of my neck...my errogenous zone...need i say more(damn is that how u spell it, too lazy right now to check). So now i have this beautiful full figured...like me...sillouette of a woman w/butterfly wings gliding across my back. Like I said previously, i thought it was routine...but soon proved wrong for several reasons. She is a work in progress, just like I am. Her wings are not done...and I guess mine are not either. Still waiting for the perfect color combination, just the right light, and the exact moment when she can truly fly. The pain endured creating her was almost unbearable, but it was something i needed to "feel" to match the internal pain i am experiencing now in my life. I brought it out through the ink and the droplets of blood escaping my pores. So now I am awaiting the healing process of the tattoo and of me. I eagerly await for her flight, as she goes through the metamorphosis of coming into being. I guess I could and am talking about her and I.
So was I sober? "Yes" again i whisper....I wouldn't have it any other way.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Therapy In The Form Of A Pen

So the 2 males retreat to a corner to decide the ensuing fate of us all in the form of a writing assignment. One subject...4 letters, 2 word choices each decided by others at random...or was it? I don't believe in accidents or coincidence, cause all my life fate has knocked heavy on this girl's door. We get our papers, one by one retreating to spaces to think-to write. My eyes cast down as my head hung low...fate once again enticing me to reveal more of me..."i dare u it whispers".
I retreat upstairs into a dark corner, where as usual i am most comfortable. 20 minutes was too long it seemed, for the words came quick. As I looked at my subject scrawled across the top of torn notebook paper, the words flooded my mind. "Why I Cry.?" I add a period and a question mark, both a valid statement and a valid question. I can't do this. Yes u can. Too damn revealing. You are among friends. You are among love. So once again the flow continues, not to be stopped by the barrier called me. I am satisfied with what is written. A sigh escapes my lips. Escapes my heart. Escapes my soul. I return myself downstairs trying not too look into eyes of Me. Will he understand? He cannot look into eyes of He...yes he understands. He plays with thick tresses and writes on skin, as i play with fallen angels and pick at the piles on the carpet.
Why do I?
Why do I.
I do because I cry

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Not By Blood

Its an early Sunday afternoon, but not the usual beautiful sunny Sundays we have had lately. In fact, the thunder and rain have been relentless(no pun intended). Nothing can dampen my spirits today for several reasons. One its Mother's Day, and yes I am a mother of 3. Though the 3 may not live w/me, I am their mother and they are my babies none the less. I am eagerly awaiting for them now, since they are "taking Mom out to dinner", of course by way of Dad aka the tab picker upper. Three, my mother called me this morning. Not a big deal for some, but for me a relief. I have not spoken to her since January, soon before I moved out of my "comfortable existance"...notice the word existance, 'cause it was not "living." So to hear her voice was beautiful to me...i miss my mommy, even at 37.
Fourth, the time i had last night with the girls. A tossed around idea of having a girl's night out, came into fruitation with "girl's night in", and it was wonderful. Not everyone could make it, but I believe everyone who was suppose to be there -was. Still, I cannot wait for the next one. We ate until we could no more. Tequila lime wings, mini quiches, queso, chips, stuffed jalapenos, cookies, candy, chocolate covered strawberries....who in the hell said anything about a diet...still trying to rearrange things in the fridge. We drank margaritas until the damn bucket was empty, yes I said bucket. The drinks by the end of the night became laced w/ vodka soaked pineapples (thank u Erica). Move over cherries, there is a new kid in town.I am sure they will be seen again in many repeat performances at any upcoming parties or get togethers. We played games and asked "what if" questions, causing us to laugh so damn hard until faces turned red and some of us got close to peeing in our pants. Whew some of those questions got a lil interesting to say the least. Around 5 this morning we all finally laid it down, or pretty much passed the hell out. I found myself looking at these beautiful women, wondering how did i get so damn lucky to be in their presence. Each one of us very different...each one from different backgrounds...each one so unique and beautiful...yet still the fact remains how quite the same we all actually are really.
Myself, Jo, Dora, Taneka, Sarah, and Brandy. All women. A Sisterhood forming. Bonding new relationships and deepening old ones. All created through good food, good drink, laughter, and good company...oh yeah, and vodka pineapples. We may not be sisters by blood, but sometimes the Universe blesses us with the sisters we need along the way.
Happy Mother's Day

Saturday, May 07, 2005

"Promise Me" she said

Her son-in-law gone unexpectedly, gone too soon, a life unfulfilled. Her daughter, pain so unbearable, she is now under dr's care. A mother, through paused whispers, "I don't think she will ever be the same again." A routine phone call, became a source of hope. She pleaded..."promise me you will enjoy your life, live everyday to the fullest, enjoy everyday, and live out your dreams." Did she know me? How did she know? Through tear filled eyes, i did promise her i would...she said "thankyou." Did I make as much a difference in her life in that 5min conversation, as she did mine? I will never know. She will never know. But the words "promise me"....will be a welcomed haunting for the rest of my days. A stranger. hundreds of miles away. across a phone line. her rope to me. she didn't even know how her pain became my blessing.
So it continues, with YOU the reader....."PROMISE ME"

Friday, May 06, 2005

I Need A Rope Can U Throw Me One?

I have come to believe i just might possibly be insane, yet in the depth of my white rubber room, lies my saneness. Recently coming out of my Blue Funkness....by the way why can't I call it Purple? Anyway, during my purple funkness i realized i possibly could of found the easiest way out, everynight He would whisper how easy it would be, crawling into bed with me...but thank God there is a waiting period, plus i probably wouldn't of been approved...you know i got that "thing" on my record. In times when u think u r alone, and u r in the depth of your own madness, sometimes your salvation comes in the form of a friend or two you see everyday, or dammit even a text message. So the laughter and the true smile has returned, and purple is quite beautiful if u truly value the depth of its meaning.
I love the 3 of u
and thanku