Exploring the fantasies and delusions of one woman inside two trying to just "Be"
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover
You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.
This was the question a friend recently asked me, peeking down the back of my shirt as she viewed my very freshly inked tattoo. "Very much so," I replied. I wouldn't have it any other way. Last thursday i spent over 4 hours at a local tattoo shop, 31/2 of those spent under the mercy of the gun. I have 3 other tats, so one more was just routine...at least I thought. I don't like avg. "what everybody else has" tattoos, because i am not ordinary and i don't follow the day to day grind...though outward appearances can fool you. My first tat over 9 years ago...a naked woman riding a crescent moon...symbolizes my sexuality and the beauty w/in. My second...a serpent dragon...symbolizes my dark side. My third flows down the back of my neck...my errogenous zone...need i say more(damn is that how u spell it, too lazy right now to check). So now i have this beautiful full figured...like me...sillouette of a woman w/butterfly wings gliding across my back. Like I said previously, i thought it was routine...but soon proved wrong for several reasons. She is a work in progress, just like I am. Her wings are not done...and I guess mine are not either. Still waiting for the perfect color combination, just the right light, and the exact moment when she can truly fly. The pain endured creating her was almost unbearable, but it was something i needed to "feel" to match the internal pain i am experiencing now in my life. I brought it out through the ink and the droplets of blood escaping my pores. So now I am awaiting the healing process of the tattoo and of me. I eagerly await for her flight, as she goes through the metamorphosis of coming into being. I guess I could and am talking about her and I. So was I sober? "Yes" again i whisper....I wouldn't have it any other way.
So the 2 males retreat to a corner to decide the ensuing fate of us all in the form of a writing assignment. One subject...4 letters, 2 word choices each decided by others at random...or was it? I don't believe in accidents or coincidence, cause all my life fate has knocked heavy on this girl's door. We get our papers, one by one retreating to spaces to think-to write. My eyes cast down as my head hung low...fate once again enticing me to reveal more of me..."i dare u it whispers". I retreat upstairs into a dark corner, where as usual i am most comfortable. 20 minutes was too long it seemed, for the words came quick. As I looked at my subject scrawled across the top of torn notebook paper, the words flooded my mind. "Why I Cry.?" I add a period and a question mark, both a valid statement and a valid question. I can't do this. Yes u can. Too damn revealing. You are among friends. You are among love. So once again the flow continues, not to be stopped by the barrier called me. I am satisfied with what is written. A sigh escapes my lips. Escapes my heart. Escapes my soul. I return myself downstairs trying not too look into eyes of Me. Will he understand? He cannot look into eyes of He...yes he understands. He plays with thick tresses and writes on skin, as i play with fallen angels and pick at the piles on the carpet. Why do I? Why do I. I do because I cry
Its an early Sunday afternoon, but not the usual beautiful sunny Sundays we have had lately. In fact, the thunder and rain have been relentless(no pun intended). Nothing can dampen my spirits today for several reasons. One its Mother's Day, and yes I am a mother of 3. Though the 3 may not live w/me, I am their mother and they are my babies none the less. I am eagerly awaiting for them now, since they are "taking Mom out to dinner", of course by way of Dad aka the tab picker upper. Three, my mother called me this morning. Not a big deal for some, but for me a relief. I have not spoken to her since January, soon before I moved out of my "comfortable existance"...notice the word existance, 'cause it was not "living." So to hear her voice was beautiful to me...i miss my mommy, even at 37. Fourth, the time i had last night with the girls. A tossed around idea of having a girl's night out, came into fruitation with "girl's night in", and it was wonderful. Not everyone could make it, but I believe everyone who was suppose to be there -was. Still, I cannot wait for the next one. We ate until we could no more. Tequila lime wings, mini quiches, queso, chips, stuffed jalapenos, cookies, candy, chocolate covered strawberries....who in the hell said anything about a diet...still trying to rearrange things in the fridge. We drank margaritas until the damn bucket was empty, yes I said bucket. The drinks by the end of the night became laced w/ vodka soaked pineapples (thank u Erica). Move over cherries, there is a new kid in town.I am sure they will be seen again in many repeat performances at any upcoming parties or get togethers. We played games and asked "what if" questions, causing us to laugh so damn hard until faces turned red and some of us got close to peeing in our pants. Whew some of those questions got a lil interesting to say the least. Around 5 this morning we all finally laid it down, or pretty much passed the hell out. I found myself looking at these beautiful women, wondering how did i get so damn lucky to be in their presence. Each one of us very different...each one from different backgrounds...each one so unique and beautiful...yet still the fact remains how quite the same we all actually are really. Myself, Jo, Dora, Taneka, Sarah, and Brandy. All women. A Sisterhood forming. Bonding new relationships and deepening old ones. All created through good food, good drink, laughter, and good company...oh yeah, and vodka pineapples. We may not be sisters by blood, but sometimes the Universe blesses us with the sisters we need along the way. Happy Mother's Day
Her son-in-law gone unexpectedly, gone too soon, a life unfulfilled. Her daughter, pain so unbearable, she is now under dr's care. A mother, through paused whispers, "I don't think she will ever be the same again." A routine phone call, became a source of hope. She pleaded..."promise me you will enjoy your life, live everyday to the fullest, enjoy everyday, and live out your dreams." Did she know me? How did she know? Through tear filled eyes, i did promise her i would...she said "thankyou." Did I make as much a difference in her life in that 5min conversation, as she did mine? I will never know. She will never know. But the words "promise me"....will be a welcomed haunting for the rest of my days. A stranger. hundreds of miles away. across a phone line. her rope to me. she didn't even know how her pain became my blessing. So it continues, with YOU the reader....."PROMISE ME"
I have come to believe i just might possibly be insane, yet in the depth of my white rubber room, lies my saneness. Recently coming out of my Blue Funkness....by the way why can't I call it Purple? Anyway, during my purple funkness i realized i possibly could of found the easiest way out, everynight He would whisper how easy it would be, crawling into bed with me...but thank God there is a waiting period, plus i probably wouldn't of been approved...you know i got that "thing" on my record. In times when u think u r alone, and u r in the depth of your own madness, sometimes your salvation comes in the form of a friend or two you see everyday, or dammit even a text message. So the laughter and the true smile has returned, and purple is quite beautiful if u truly value the depth of its meaning. I love the 3 of u and thanku