Mother

I am always aware of my mother,
ominous, threatening,
a pain in the depths of my consciousness.
My mother is like a shell,
so easily broken.
Yet the fact that I was born
bearing my mother's shadow
cannot be changed.
She is like a cherished, bitter dream
my nerves cannot forget
even after I awake.
She prevents all freedom of movement.
If I move she quickly breaks,
and the splinters stab me.
--written by Nagase Kiyoko

came across this poem that spoke to me in whispers...then in screams. My mother and I play this game of labels very well. I have tried to scrape off the past imprints she has left within my skin. Bled to be purified of her legacy. easier said than done. It seems everytime i forgive and open myself up again...because it seems she has changed..her venom blinds me once again. This is true for a couple of relationships in my life, and the reason enough was enough. Had to let it go. So much harder to do though when its your mother. The ties that bind run deep. We talk occasionally, pleasantries exchanged...but one can always feel that underlying emotion.
I remember as a child secretly wishing for another mother...one who would fight back when my father used her as a punching bag, one who was checked into their child's life, one who was the dream in my head of what a mother should be.
but the other mother never came
but i survived her, and hopefully a better mother to my own. it's hard when you don't have a strong blueprint to follow.I love my mother, but she is in denial about so much. even questions my own memories, as if they weren't my own. She's in her 60's now, and she always used to look so young...but lately i noticed age is coming fast, and bitterness has set well in her wrinkled lines. Time is of the essence
Is it possible to make peace with someone and still have pain?
like unsaid said...binge love, purge pain