Lately, i have had some major career things drop in my lap...and with this latest one, i must say i am a bit scared. now i am not looking for sympathy comments or the attention, its just how i am feeling right now...and i am entitled to it, its part of the growth i guess...owning the feeling, and just letting it be for the moment.
will i be enough?
will i live up to the expectations?
am i enough?
i believe it stems from past feelings of inadequacy. relationships with men and women. men not willing to fight for something that could of been beautiful, or cheating situations...which of course is great for a woman's sense of self. if i had been enough, then why aren't you still around? or if i had been enough, then why did you have to look outside of 'us' to be fufilled? or friends who left without a second thought? i have always tried to be that perfect daughter, friend, girlfriend, student, mother, employee, etc....but seemingly always fallen short. when i see things going really good, i am great at self sabatoging. either i will walk away from it all, or procrastinate so much to the point failure is inevitable.
wow. yeah i guess i do.
now that is a hard pill to swallow...but swallowing nonetheless.
i know i am a good person, and i deserve good things...but i cannot help but to feel unworthy of such gifts.
i am scared i will mess up or not live up to my potential.
but how will i know if i don't at least try?
or give myself the benefit of the doubt?
not a pity party...
just talking myself through this ya'll...that's all