Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Grateful for it all...

--for trying new things
--for shopping with Taylor and just enjoying each other's company
--for decorating her room, and the beautiful thankful smile on her face
--for great furniture finds on Craig's List
--for creativity
--for my dad now joining us on the set
--for the card you left for me...nice surprise
--for my son't math skills...he amazes me some all the time!
--for you understanding the pain and being in my corner
--for purging pain and healing just a stitch more
--for swinging under the moonlight and talking to the Universe
--for your email B...always a kind word on dark days
--for the two of them now able to rest
--for the courage of women
--for God making me a woman
--for good books to get lost in
--for my reading hunger returning.
--for stepping away when needed and not feeling guilty
--for the words still coming

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

i will not make any apologies for the woman that i am
or for the woman i will be
so please stop punishing me for loving you
i am not some child who if you take my toy away
will throw a tantrum or behave as you wish
"daddy, i won't do it again...
i will be a good girl for you"
under the circumstances i have been a good girl.
i think you forgot i was a woman
one helluva woman at that!
with needs and wants just like your own
please stop playing the role of the martyr
your pain is not any different than mine
and it hurts just the same
we just have different views
doesn't make you right
doesn't make me wrong
but i'm here still
like always
loving you
despite yourself
perhaps despite my own self
i may not be enough for you
or is it i am too much?
but i am enough for me
right now that is all
that is all
you feel me luv?

Monday, January 29, 2007


when you are ready
i will be be here
no questions asked
place apologies upon my lips
as your arms encircle my waist
tuck your regrets behind my ear
cast reflections of forever in your eyes

when you are ready
i will be here
getting this house in order
sweeping my mind clean
rearranging my heart
throwing out the baggage
so everything fits just right
making room for even more

when you are ready
i will be here
keeping this thickness thick
and this sweetness even sweeter
having secret conversations with Venus
creating new pictures for Sutra
an aphrodisiac i will become
to satisfy all your cravings

when you are ready
i will be here
to stand close at your side
with one hand holding your back
the other holding your hand
for i will uplift you and strengthen you
the best i know how
royalty you are
to your forever Queen

when you are ready
i will be here
waiting patiently
you better pray for open arms
and not a glock nine!

lol, sorry, thats not the real ending...just thought it was funny...and dammit i needed the laugh!!

Sunday, January 28, 2007


I am always aware of my mother,
ominous, threatening,
a pain in the depths of my consciousness.
My mother is like a shell,
so easily broken.
Yet the fact that I was born
bearing my mother's shadow
cannot be changed.
She is like a cherished, bitter dream
my nerves cannot forget
even after I awake.
She prevents all freedom of movement.
If I move she quickly breaks,
and the splinters stab me.
--written by Nagase Kiyoko

came across this poem that spoke to me in whispers...then in screams. My mother and I play this game of labels very well. I have tried to scrape off the past imprints she has left within my skin. Bled to be purified of her legacy. easier said than done. It seems everytime i forgive and open myself up again...because it seems she has changed..her venom blinds me once again. This is true for a couple of relationships in my life, and the reason enough was enough. Had to let it go. So much harder to do though when its your mother. The ties that bind run deep. We talk occasionally, pleasantries exchanged...but one can always feel that underlying emotion.
I remember as a child secretly wishing for another who would fight back when my father used her as a punching bag, one who was checked into their child's life, one who was the dream in my head of what a mother should be.
but the other mother never came
but i survived her, and hopefully a better mother to my own. it's hard when you don't have a strong blueprint to follow.I love my mother, but she is in denial about so much. even questions my own memories, as if they weren't my own. She's in her 60's now, and she always used to look so young...but lately i noticed age is coming fast, and bitterness has set well in her wrinkled lines. Time is of the essence
Is it possible to make peace with someone and still have pain?
like unsaid said...binge love, purge pain

Friday, January 26, 2007


your sweet tooth for me
leaves cavities in my heart
unfilled fulfillment
decaying at the root
oh but the way your tongue plays with my lips
makes me forget pain even existed
at least for the moment
so we capture it
stretch it as long as we can
for the next one may never come
but you do...
no need for hands
as i rhythmically coax your essence
humming nectar down my throat
lubricating wings and glossing lips
admiring no drop left behind
or gone to waste
i have never tasted sweeter
thank you for stopping by
please cum again soon

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A Few I'm Working On...

you built me a castle on the ocean's edge at lowtide
the moon was full
the stars were bright
there was hope in each grain
of sanddollar wishes
green and blue sea glass softened by time and chaos
adorned my skin like precious jewels
we looped wet strands around shells
i made you a glorious crown
you made me your forever queen
as if there was any other option

we watched the moon play with the tides
as the tides played hide and seek with our toes
until it had engulfed our entire body
carrying us and our castle of dreams out into its waters
for even the ocean wants to be baptized sometimes....
see you leave me speechless
words abandoning me
dancing softly from my lips
just to exist in your space
to be inhaled into your mouth
exhaled across your breath
the air parts like sweet thighs
welcoming you
i breathe you in
so i can find the words again....
close my eyes across copywritten memories
inscribe love notes on the backs of doves wings
and send them off into the night air
upon wisps of smoke
as i wait patiently for your reply.......

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Always Grateful...

--for finding the gratitude even when it feels so bad inside
--for exploring more of my otherside and taking that step
--for one day of sunshine, almost forgot what it looked like
--for t's pay raise and recognition for job well done
--for my new digital camera that i bought loving this one
--for seeing two movies for the price of one LOL with my gang
--for my son's dance moves...trying to imitate Stomp The Yard!
--for the words flowing the right way
--for laughing with my father, the kind that hurts the belly and the tears come
--for the look on your face when you walked in the door and saw what your kids had done for ya...hadn't seen a smile like that in a long time
--for knowing and feeling i AM a good person
--for my girl trying to find the answer to the pain...lil steps ma
--for spending a lil time with my oldest daughter...still my lil baby
--for the love of my brother...he's got my back always, and i got his
--for sexy shoes...can't have enough of those
--for cleansing cries, so much so damn teeth hurt...but its okay...its okay...okay

Sunday, January 21, 2007

nobody wants to know the truth
she says
we are lovers to our own lies
caressing the underbelly
until dishonesty purrs from lips
taste so sweet
truth now bitter
you are not welcome here
she says
and licks the aphrodisiac
from deception's palm
for this is a bed we lay in often
with pretty pillows
for this is a dance with many partners
cut in anytime
the song plays long after the dj has gone home
long after the sun has kissed the earth
long after reflections give no face value
so where do we go from here
she asks
slicing life to the core
trying to feel again
blood pools non-existant
for lies drained joy a long time ago
we are the walking dead
living with no purpose
no rhythm
no rhyme
because we expect so less these days
where have our leaders gone
she asks
possibly murdered last night
by the cop shooting him in the back
in self defense
possibly raped before breakfast
by father 'cause mommy is too old now
teachers don't understand why she can't focus
stuffed into society's crack
invisible and lost in a system
that does not protect its children
they put guns in the hands of 18 and 19 year olds
fight this war
become a man
in return we will give you money for college
oh yeah and a triangle box and casket to match
got to have something for our beautiful red, white, and blue to drape........

Friday, January 19, 2007

Organic Butterfly

invisible ink inscribes affirmations upon butterfly wings
only to be seen in sunshine's gleam
when she flies into the heat
organic in nature
rain brings the color
she opens even wider
to catch the baptism
channeling through veins of identity
replenishing her thirst for flight
gliding between ether spheres
fearing nothing
but the cocoon left behind
so she returns
strapping her birthplace to the underside of her womb
with stitched cobwebs and willow tree sap
stuffed with hope
sealed with a kiss
and flies into the rain
to catch the rainbow
to color her beautiful........

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Commitment To Self To Push Myself Even Harder

I haven't been focusing much on writing or performing lately. the words have been coming, and i've been writing. but its been like oh okay thats nice. write.turn page.write.turn page. put away.i've been worrying about trying to find that fire again, but not really doing anything to make the fire burn. i haven't been focusing very much due to some personal setbacks. i'm tired of using that excuse now. a personal challenge to myself...i'm taking it all up to another level...hell that is what i'm going to do with my life PERIOD...right now, its a matter of life or death.
i've got to work through this madness in my head. notice i said work THRU, not get rid of...cause that is impossible i believe. embracing it and softening its edges is all i can do.
please don't take anything i post too personal. . i am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or step on anyone's toes. may work for others, but its not my style. eventhough i have stated this disclaimer, i am SURE someone is going to read something and think i am writing about _________or___________(if you knew the truth, you would surely shut the fuck up anyway! folks don't ask me about truth, they just assume...too funny)
much love....isn't that what life is about anyway?

empty morsels left upon lips i crave
licking feverishly to taste something...anything
as i greedily try to feed my hunger
you are a meal i am not hungry for
i feed on you in bits
as you feed on me in gulps
regurgitating a love affair
tearing at the lining of my heart
acidic holes penetrate
way past what i can no longer stomach
sugar sweet words carve the jagged lil' pill
forcing me to swallow
promises of tomorrows
leaving me in yesterday
without a blueprint to build another foundation
left too long in your suntips
running to my core
crumbling outer edges of existance.........

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Continuously Ever Grateful...

--for my family joining me on the set, even in the rain we kept laughing.
--for wanting to make it better between us...and it is and will be so
--for the cold rainy nights
--for warm flannel snowflake pj's all sexy lol
--for waking up in your arms with my head still on your chest...nice place to dream
--for laughs thru emails, text messages and phone calls
--FOR SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry got a lil excited there
--for sliding down hills on the ice and snow, yeah what!!
--for loving my quirkiness, its part of me and i adore it
--for realizing i just can't keep doing this with you...part of taking ME back...and its okay i won't fall apart
--for fireplaces and hot apple cider...together
--for my dad looking so cute all bundled up
--for my mom calling me her lil canadian girl...i don't call her enough...working on that
--for yummy stew...yep i made it
--for loving to cook
--for king's text pushing me harder and believing in me...thank you for all the encouragement
--for my own personal challenge when it comes to writing and poetry
--for you having to stay home due to the bad (good) weather
--for finally putting up all the christmas stuff...its just so hard to put away...yeah i know its the 16th of jan.
--for planning his 40th already
--for my next door neighbor's house saved in the fire, and for it not jumping onto our roof
--for the beauty of an icicle...really look at one
--for vitamin e oil and ALL its uses...yeah you can go there dirty minded people lol
--for wanting to start anew, even after 15yrs

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Random Poetic Thoughts...

i often wonder what it is you see when you look at me, for i no longer see my reflection in your eyes

fists of 'i love you' have left permanent bruises on my insides, passed through the thin looking glass of my mother, and her mother before her

men, sometimes can be so beautiful we forget (ignore) their ugliness

tell me nothing needs to be done...a man who won't ask me to be what he needs, but lets me exist as i am

you left me high within the notes

flow through me like water, cleansing the ebb of my soul, baptise me in acoustic holy waters, bless me in the half beats

you are a meal i am not hungry for, but i feed on you in bits as you feed on me in gulps, regurgitating this love affair

i am a woman freeing my voice

alabaster skin cannot hold the hues of gold you once cherished in mine, perhaps this is the reason you still visit your temple of the Goddess

i see her still, eventhough this life opened its doors to another world for her, closing quietly, as she joyfully walked through several years grandmother

ejaculated commitment in my mouth, so the action of my swallow would leave no trace of you to her...or to yourself. so i swallow hard trying to stuff you past my reality beyond foolish heart, beyond truth burning in my gut

got me paying rent to stay in your heart and my ass is flat broke, but eventhough i try to relenquish this still will not evict me...why

ease me slowly, decisivly, and gently into your mind

God doesn't live here anymore

tick tock

Friday, January 12, 2007

Always Grateful...

--for the fact i have things to be still grateful for, despite the storm
--for my umbrella
--for the way you smile when you look at me
--for work that is fun...and comes with a paycheck (yeah)
--for taylor's new beau walking her home so he can meet the parents, he was scared shitless lol, but a gentleman nevertheless
--for chocolate fountains OMG! with strawberries, apples, and cherries...YUM!!
--for the secrets you hide w/in my curls and w/in my eyes
--for hearing the words i help you write...still beautiful to me
--for one of the hottest slams ever at Neo
--for understanding i still have options
--for knowing even when we are not speaking, we are a constant force throughout
--for playing auntie to one incredible lil man
--for seeing the growth, even with setbacks its okay, keep the steps moving forward
--for 5lbs gone! i'm doing it and doing it and doing it well!!
--for taking back the pieces i have let others feed on freely....taking back my power
--for knowing and understanding, it ain't about you homie...its about me
--for my new kimono...feels so good against my skin

Monday, January 08, 2007

backward glances see the words written in caked mud
footprints turning to dust
the past has lost its way
unable to see my future within your eyes
for it now has no foundation
cracked at its core
fissures have turned to gorges
leaving valleys for tears to fill
overflows taunt the levees to break
pretty lace, rose petals, and heart strings
just don't hold it together anymore....
but forgiveness granted
as i blow harder to dry fragile wings.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Back in Business...

You never know just how dependent you are on the computer until technology acts up, and puts you out of commission for awhile...thank you Time Warner for your new services lol.
soooooo i hope everyone's holiday was great, with precious time spent with family and friends.
2007 has already proven it will be an interesting year, to say the least. I spent the last moments of 2006 in prayer and praise...thankyou Ms. Jackson. It was a beautiful uplifting experience, very much needed...gave me some hope...and some understanding.
2007 the season of perfection is what the message was.....the #7 is powerful and full of grace....please shower me and drench me in all its glory.
this i pray....
ahhh but the beginning of my new year is already showing a shift in my normal.....not ready for it, but it is written in the cards...huh sarah?!
I am sure i will find out what i'm made of this year...a lil bit more a lil bit more a lil bit more.
bring it on babeeeeeee!!! I accept this challenge with alllll my heart....just let me make the right choices for all 3 of us.

Gratitude for the first Wednesday of 2007 (yeah a lil late, but grateful just the same)
--for the Creator and all that He has blessed me with
--for leaving baggage in 2006, eventhough someone is trying to give me back my bags lol
--for Bishop and his unorthodox it
--for my children, and all the love they pour into strength indeed
--for zell and joe giving me the puppy eyes and making me laugh...i know i know i have got to get over my stage fright and shyness
--for stretch escalades and some bad ass poets, thank you for including me
--for new friendships
--for strengthening old friendships
--for him seeing me past the much wisdom for someone so young
--for the way he smiles at me from across the room
--for being his weakness
--for all the challenges and possibilites for the new year
--for writing in the sunshine
--for moonlit nights
--for new books
--for getting back on set
--for having a place to escape to when i need it the most...thank you sunshine
--for showing me who you really are, or always have been...never enough huh?
--for me and finding out who "me" really is, all my quirks, weaknesses, strengths, downfalls, pains, loves, passions, wisdom, traits, beauty, darkness....all of it is ME, and i embrace it ALL