So Here Goes...

--for the Creator & She thumping me on the head...ok, ok...i get it
--for at least TRYING to get it right
--for knowing I AM the one who is most important in this game called life to love
--for dark days subsiding
--for the ones who pulled me through...never enough thank you's
--for this feeling inside...its going to be ok shelle
--for hosting again, and getting it right...under the wings of a fellow host and friend, and sometimes a bad azz DJ...smile
--for knowing we don't have to hang out or talk all the time, but i know you are there, and know i am too sis ;)
--for knowing when i really needed to be there....crazy weekend, we laughed through the pain and flat tires lol
--for honesty
--for gifts in the mail...thank you
--for chilly evenings and early early mornings...soooo nice
--for the power of prayer...i am telling you, try it...won't be disappointed...but be careful WHAT you pray for
--for text messages to get you through a day
--for cleansing tears and meditation
--for figuring out my role with you...its all good
--for the beauty of my children...i done good

Just a Lil'

i see you
within the far reaches of my mindscape
the areas that i don't even want to claim
therefore you are null and void
yet you will not comply
refusing to leave
sticking to role of heartache
like gum on the heel of highs
don't even know you are there
...until you hamper my steps

Love...

love freely, love deeply, love purely. love yourself the way you've always wanted to be loved, and love others the same way. love well, love often. find it in your heart to love those who have never shown you love---for they need it most of all. give so much love that you're certain to get some back. open your heart to the woman who lives on the sidewalk with her two daughters. love her. have compassion for the man who fired you from the job you loved most of all. love him. love all the earth has to offer-her people, her birds, her stones, insects, trees, mice, and oceans. love something--anything!--with a passion. love something larger than yourself. call it Goddess, call it God, call it Nature, call it Divine, call it Source, call it Beauty. Call it Love.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well Being for Women

i must remember to love the most important i know...me...sigh

Tough Week, but i am still finding the Goodness...

--for the private time with The High One, and the Grace granted
--for starry nights, a haunting moon, and a fabulous telescope...we are so small, and God is a grand designer
--for the ones i keep close, and the ones i keep at a distant...both make me want to do better
--for the journey of getting to know me, even in the stumbles
--for the Virgoes in my life...trying to figure it out
--for you saying i consider you a damn good friend...meant the world...we are still moving forward
--for wanting to be my soft place to fall...and being my soft place to fall
--for the smile on a weathered, wise and kind face
--for not needing or wanting drama in my life...hey some folks crave it
--for wanting to have that special someone again in my life, but realizing maybe i'm not quite ready (sing with me, "I am ready for love....")...trying to be patient though
--for text messages from the heart, and phone calls to follow
--for tough questions asked...thank you for holding up a mirror
--for girl time...we both needed it
--for loving my curls...even when they won't act right lol

Like You Didn't Know This Was Possible...?

Look...

...look at yourself, how beautiful you are. look at the love that pours from your eyes, look at how your wisdom and experience are written all over your face. look at the beauty of other women. all of them. look at their lips, full and ripe, thin and dry. look at their skin, smooth and wrinkled, creamy and course, olive and terra-cotta and peach and ebony and freckled and scarred. look at how women move. see them stride, see them shuffle, see them with eyes on the ground and eyes on the sky. see them inch slowly like the turtle; see them fly like the eagle. look at the muscles in a woman's body; look at the serenity in a blind woman's face; look at the rugged hands of a laborer. look at every person you meet with compassion and love. look for the good in their hearts and you're sure to stumble on the good in your own.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

these particular words capture how i feel about women in general...we all are beautiful and unique...and i wish we would actually SEE that in one another.
much love
continued peace
for all of you

Picture of the Day....

like for real? lol

Live...

...as long as you're alive, why not live? live life to the fullest. live it up. live in the moment. live as though you had only twenty-four hours to live. live the life you've always wanted. live for yourself--not for others, alive or dead. live on the edge a bit, it's the only place from which you can take a leap. live the life that is yours alone. live wherever you want, with whomever you want, however you want, but live! don't just get a life--create one. don't just step into someone else's life--design your own. don't confuse real life with what you see on tv or at the movies. live free or die. live so that when you're dead, people will remark less on what you did in life--and more on how you lived.
--from Rachel Synder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

really...nothing else needs to be said...live

a word used to freely for what really isn't
someone close to me once said, "just cause you feel something...doesn't mean you always act on it"...words never wiser
i keep this tidbit front and center
just cause it feels good...sho don't mean its good for you
so chill out
be still
listen
patience
what is for you is for you
and you will know which is which
if you care to really listen to the Universe
and it won't hurt like this...

So Grateful....

--for Life, everything in it, below it, and above it
--for teaching moments, and getting it...even if its slowly
--for moving feet
--for recovering from an awful stomach virus/food poisoning...hate being that low
--for my babygirl...she turned sweet 16 ya'll, friday....sigh...hard to deal with
--for the young man by her side these days, such a gentleman...and young love can be so sweet...again, hard to deal with lol
--for loving the skin i'm in...every stretched inch of it
--for intimate moments with the Universe
--for Lindt chocolate...OMG...divine
--for all of us going to dinner together...my babies...wow i done good, so blessed
--for the tears trying not to fall from the corner of her daddy's eyes...i know, i know
--for the trip me and my oldest are planning for her 20th...good lawd...20th?
--for precious memories no one can take away
--for the women and men in my life...no matter what, love ya'll...thank you for teaching me more about me
--for learning when to just let the hell go
--for learning everybody is not suppose to STAY in your life...and its ok...
--for my fluidity with life
--for new creations
--for good wine
--for the sanctuary of my bedroom
--for believing in me
--for new horizons this week
--for hosting again with a few other bad mofos...going to be fun
--for the possibilities of getting it right this time
--for 4 fantastic women blazing new trails together...so excited

Listen...

...sit in silence and see how much there is to hear. listen to people. when are they really saying? what are they not saying? listen to the very last notes of every song. listen to a sunset; listen to the sounds on your street well after midnight. listen to your intuition, to your own inner voice--the one you can hear only when the din of every day is diminished. hear the rustle of a leaf, the call of a bullfrog, the pop and crackle from your wood stove. savor the call of a gentle breeze, the flap of a bird's wings, the fanfare of a summer thunderstorm. listen with your toes, listen with your heart, and always, always listen to that which is never spoken.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words Well-Being for Women

one will be surprised what they truly hear when they become still and just be quiet lol. i never understand why folks talk so much, almost like they are afraid of what they will hear if they become silent.
i try to practice this on a regular basis...it is important to my well-being...and right now i have been needing it more than ever...trying to find a foothold on this path...and eventually one foot in front of the other (lol)
so yeah, take the time to really listen...to everything and everyone around you.
you will be blessed and become a blessing to someone else...i promise.

Picture of the Day

cracked up when i saw this...an ad for some hair product...i need some of that lol

Not Now

i got the right to be wrong
one time
many times in this lifetime
so let me be
go find another leading lady
to satisfy your understudies
oh but being wrong about you
felt so right
at the time...
...even now in fractured memories
i felt the feel of hands feeling softness
before the fall
caught you
like always
walking the tightrope
without safety nets
you were not there
yet i knew from experience
i was set up for the fall
by my own hands
still
stepped out on faith
repeatedly
faithless faith less than a mustard seed
who will believe in me?
if you have faith i will not be there
do i even exist?
and if i have faith in forgiveness
why is it so hard to pray?
all the amens have dried up with the tears........
i am taking my final bow
disappointment curtsies
no roses
no kisses
no standing ovations
faint bravos waft through the air
landing heavy at nondancing feet
i turn
hesitating
hoping for a reprieve
switch has been thrown
exit slowly
head held high
downcast eyes
heart beats drowning in captured pain
i got the right to be wrong...right?

Just Because...

--for The Most High, and the moments of silence we share...and the moments i listen
--for hearing back from some of my friends in galveston, they are ok...but heartbroken, like i am...i lived there for 12 years before moving back to austin...still can't believe it
--for being thrown a couple of curveballs...either i am catching 'em, bobbing & weaving, or letting 'em hit me...but non the less i'm dealing
--for a bit of self discovery and reassessment...always good, even when you don't like it
--for your hand guiding me on this path...who knew
--for all the september birthdays, especially the ones in my own household
--for our love...no matter what...will always be there...thank you
--for your hands in my hair when you know i need it
--for creating with these hands
--for the cooler weather, so excited...and i don't even care about the chap lips or the flairing allergies lol...bring it on!
--for being back on set again
--for hanging out with my brother...always fun
--for me...i'm getting it more and more each day
--for great hip hop LIVE
--for watching my beautiful creations growing up into mighty fine individuals

And A Child Shall Lead Them....

this is amazing...not sure who the child is...but i know he will be someone to watch out for in the future.

http://www.dallasisd.org/keynote.htm

Better Pay Attention...

Never enough time...So make it

--for the Creator & She...never would of made it
--for prayer and direction
--for a friend who understands my wierdness right now and my search...he gets me, even still
--for old friends and new friends
--for patience
--for seeing the struggle in some of the women close to me...and holding their hand.
--for you reaching out to me thru text message, then calling me...and letting me vent/cry...always have such great insight
--for finally letting go...don't want to catch a case lol
--for great new camera that captures the right emotions
--for my children...growing into such beautiful responsible smart young adults...doesn't mean i'm ready for it though dammit!!
--for cooler nights....bring it on!!
--for you reaching for my hair and holding it in your hands
--for hugs that don't end too soon
--for late night talks...wishes...respect...what if's...honesty...hugs goodbye
--for hanging out with fellow poet/friend at a great boxing match...live on ESPN...so primal...but a turn on...i know weird
--for this time of year which always brings strong change...and i think i'm resisting, part of latest issues...trying not to be afraid
--for purple wild flowers within reach
--for release
--for you reminding me its God's time, not ours....wait on the one for you
--for owing it to myself to become whole
--for getting it...
--for knowing everything will work itself out leo...
--for Heroes

What About Us/Me....

started working on this over a month ago...still speaks to me to be finished...i will, soon...


what about us?
there are secrets in the sand here
we the forgotten angels
wings torn
mutilated
cememented screams
falling from our broken lips
the wind desperately speaks the truth
blowing sand from twisted ankles
revealing shallow confessions
time is as carelss as our beauty
strewn across the desert
why bother
we are poor
we are brown
we are female
no consequences
why bother
we are poor
we are brown
we are female
why bother
las muertas de Juarez
what about us?
what about me?
invisible
the distraction in your peripherial
red lights
don't stop me from wanting green
from wanting a break
so stop!
just look at me
so stop!
acknowledge my humaness
even with your humanless actions
penny for your thoughts
even if you don't give a dime
careless glances thru judmental slits
you ain't shit either
have a nice day
what about me?

what about me?
can't even be myself
in a society which frowns
with biblical drowns
yet i worship the same God
the same God
that made me in His image
so what does that make Him
stretched wide for the world to witness
across barbwire boundaries i crossed
crown of thorns
no longer in your side
now i can be myself
loving men forever in heaven too
i died for your sins too
what about me?

what about me?
....in progress

Ask And You Shall Receive.....

sooo sent out a text to a few folks: "In need of a writing prompt, any suggestions?"
got some really interesting ones back, and i will try to write on each of them over the near future. here are the ones received so far...feel inspired? go head use them...names are anonymous to protect the innocent lol..yeah right!

--love and compromise and finding the balance...
--not sure when i forgot that i needed me...
--write a letter to yourself forgiving yourself for not knowing how to always take care of you. what would you promise others in order to take care of them that you aren't giving yourself?
--write to you, talking to about you what you deserve and how to do that as if you were talking to someone outside you...
--meet the best friend you are to others. introduce her to you...
--unwanted change...
--write about needing a writing prompt and why...
--using the words beg in, begin, and beginning...
--take a page from a novel and write a poem using the words on that page...
--take title from one of your old poems and use it to inspire new thoughts and point of view of the subject...
--the concept of a poet with no tongue...
--she is the ground i walk upon...an earth/love poem...
--write about the America...and the changes we hope to see with Obama becoming president...
--keep your cloud cover to yourself, you're blocking my sunshine...
--why does the sun shine brighter when you have a hangover?
--how does chocolate and the touch of your lover's hand on the nape of your neck make you feel?
--write about the highs and lows of gambling...
--i will build a palace where this once was...
--a mentalgasmic experience...


not sure when i forgot that i needed me
not even sure when i remembered
but i did
and i do
now
at this moment
red rimmed eyes swollen with unfulfilled promises
hands evident the levees have broken
tired of holding arthritic fingers in heart dams
keeping proud lies present in forced smiles
abandoned arms encircle yesterday's little girl lost
"i love you"
she
i
smile
again

continued...

woke up this morning with you on my mind
actually you never left it
for dreams were filled with you too
filled so full
you overflowed into my heart
but then you didn't have a lot of room there either
seems you have claimed that space too
what is a girl to do with this perceived dilemma?
i stretch defeated arms wide
listening to the whispers of them bragging
about the last time they held you
lips tremble for the taste of you
soft skin searches for the last placed touched
and all the inbetweens your eyes sought after
resiliant thick skin seems to be thinning
or at least melting away from the memory of your gaze
"so beautiful" echoes sweetly across earlobes
nestles itself within loose curls for another day
when most needed to hear.
met by chance, i think not
you have always been there
i have always been here
we were just waiting for the fit
and we did
and we do
....so well
yet....
life sometimes doesn't match up with heart time
crossroads are not shortcuts
so seek wisely
careful not to fall upon def ears
paths can be less traveled
yet still carry outlines of footprints to fill.
emotions stir like the winds of change
tucked away in corners of deep pockets
amongst double headed copper pennies, dried crystal tears,
and forget-me-nots.
does it matter what the future holds
simply no....
for my heart...at this moment...will always be yours

2 Points of View...From One Point of View...Both With Love

one:
i am not strong enough to let these crumbling hands pick up the pieces of this failing existance
what could of been slips through fingers like lost time
winds of change blow dust into rose colored eyes
beauty sometimes acts as blinders
every blink to the past causes thorns to scratch away point of views
seems there is only yours my dear
point your lil finger you beautiful doll
shine for the world to see
foolish ownership
i claim my part
do you see yours...over the horizon of your martyrdom?
i walk the halls of this heart
not alone
competing with whispering ghosts and dancing skeletons
which scream for your attention
which you listen to intently
which we pay dearly
which is more than i can afford
eggshells cling to my boots
even hang loosely from my teeth
and with every i love you spoken
they are crushed into the perfect melody upon my tongue
reminding a soldier this is not his war...anymore
but still willing to die for the cause...
i wish i was enough for you...with no comparisons


two:
i am not strong enough to let these crumbling hands pick up the pieces of this failing existance
what could of been slips through fingers like lost time
winds of change blows dust across a hardened inheritance
his imprint is forensic evidence
every blink to the past cracks the mirror evenmore
ugly reflections peeping through childlike wantings
yelling at self "I AM A GOOD PERSON"
haunting echos crash against heart walls
displaced ownership
i don't want to see my part
i just want to be loved
please...
love me enough for the both of us
i walk the halls of this bruised heart
not alone
searching for whispering ghosts and dancing skeletons
their two-step comforts me
which gives me purpose
which directs my path
which i pay dearly daily
which i will never be able to afford
i am trying to get this right...
but self hate clings to the underside of my stilletoes
mixed with the muck i try to hide with uneven steps
reminding a fallen warrior this is her fight...her self fight
and i am worth it...
forgive my wicked tongue
forgive me for weaving deception into this love
forgive me for not forgiving me....

Ahh Yes...

--for The Creator and She and the many forces at work
--for the memories still lingering from madison
--for tighter circles
--for having some great days with you sir
--for u missing me...always a good thing
--for the power of words...the ones that come from the soul
--for hanging out with poets off the mic...not bad pool player
--for watching her grow into and finding herself...its beautiful as much as she is
--for the bond between us that is getting stronger...long car rides always good
--for being a part of her release....dolphins, bonfires, colored skies, heaven's gate, and family
--for momma wanting to be close to her support system and those that love you...we will always surround you with love and never forget
--for the younger ones who i think look up to me...an honor, and a task to be better
--for running into you oh so sweet everytime we meet...everything for a reason
--for birthdays...everyone a blessing
--for a great FUN night at Neosoul
--for a niiice getaway weekend starting today...and oh the music we will hear tomorrow will be phenomenal
--for the love and beauty of the women in my life...damn im blessed
--for my son entering highschool next week...he is growing up so fast and is so handsome....keeps me laughing
--for bittersweet feelings about them growing up...want them to always need me like i need them

no we didnt win our bout to make it to finals...but we still will be on the final stage doing a tribute for shannon...such an honor. we knew going in we didn't have much of a chance with the two ny teams...but it was okay...our bout is the one most came to and the fact we stood strong in our words...earned us so much respect among our peers. it was a beautiful touching night...we got up there standing strong and did what we came to do....be the poets of record...and we are the team folks are talking about.....i felt like i was on the final stage last night...our stage was sacred.

MAN!!!! i am grateful!!!!

--for the Creator & She giving us traveling grace and continuing to watch out for us.
--for this beautiful madison weather....had to wear something long sleeve...don't miss the texas heat AT ALL!!
--for one big azz family reunion, and meeting new family...poets are a different breed lol
--for the moments in between the battles
--for the denver slam nuba team...always showing so much love, and for their phenomenal body of work...i admire them so much as a team and as individuals
--for Phetote on the Killeen team who literally gave the shirt off of his back to a homeless man...and it was not a cheap shirt...wow
--for Canadian geese....reminds me of my birthplace just a few hundred miles away...yes i thought of going home lol...not sure if they would let me back into the us though lol
--for my team...my damn beloved team...even with the struggles...oh and there have been struggles...we love each other and got one another's back...no doubt...
--for coach...thank you for everything and every moment...even the tough ones...even the tough ones...all teaching moments...see you on the otherside
--for sitting in the top 5 in the nation right now!!!!! meaning we are going to the semi-finals tonight
--for the power of the words..."Go In"...and we do and we will and we will continue...it has been life changing indeed
--for allen from neo surprising us and flying in to see and support...unbelievable...
--for the unbelievable female power here...taking some of it back with me and giving it to the ones in my life
--for the strength of our beloved sheila...she herself is a warrior
--for all the love and support from folks here, and folks back home...love you
--for missing my family...i am glad i miss them...i am glad i miss him
--for jono being by fortress...he is truly a blessing in my life
--for this life
--for calling on my village
--for vulnerability...go in

Okay so i have missed a couple of days....

like wow...so i am going to go backwards....right now, we are sitting 5th in the nation, and yes we are going to the semifinals...God is good...and so is my team...we have worked our butts off and our damn coach is unbelievable...(love you funky mike, 13 definitely learned from the best...love you)her strategy has been right on...by the way we won our second bout doing ALL individual pieces...neo has never done that....okay so let me see if i can remember the highlights of the week lol...sorry but poets party like crazy...plus its one big family reunion.
let me go back to tonight real quick and say a few things about my teammies...we have never done the pieces like we did tonight...our saying this year is "Go In"..meaning capture the emotion of the piece, become the words not just a poet spitting a poem...it was so emotional to watch each one of us up on that stage "going in"...so emotional doing the pieces themselves...i couldnt stop crying when i got off stage. what we have been doing lately with this concept has been life changing for me...like coach said...there is no more excuse...everytime you go there...and you go deep.
okay...had a beautiful memorial service for our beloved shannon this morning...so moving. shiela is a warrior herself...of course since she had such a warrior daughter. i mean what else comes from a warrior womb, right?
by the way, one of our biggest supporters of neosoul and a really good poet himself...Allen, surprised us and showed up at our bout tonight...couldn't believe it...i mean really? he just wanted to come see us and check out the scene...lol, we hollered when we saw him just sitting there all non chalant. lol
allen thank you and thank you for all those sending well wishes and love our way...love each and everyone of you for it...don't stop please...we still have a fight to go.
its after 4am right now, still pumped and excited but feeling tired too all wrapped up into one.
i miss my family...felt funny not going to neosoul tonight too...hope all went well...
our family here is so beautiful, all walks of life...colors, creeds, hair lol...oh you should see the hair lol...
going to bed...will write again tomorrow

Day !

got up...well i never went to sleep...at the crack of dawn...airport by 5:30...liftoff 7:00...not too bad of a flight, some turbalance and minor rain storm, oh and jono sleeping like a rock on my shoulder and slobbering...all love lol.
we are so excited to be here, already some amazing experiences...first folks we see stepping off the plane in chicago...team slam nuba...symbolic indeed. drive the rest of the way to madison...i slept for an hour maybe...but very refreshed...this country up here is beautiful and oh so green...oh and if you think i miss that texas heat, you are out of your ever loving mind...today folks said it was hot, well the natives...it was only in the low 80's and all we texas folk could do was laugh...nah we will show you heat! pretty cool town, its different, but i understand why they call it the sister city of austin...some similarities...but er ah...you can tell the poets are in town lol.
saw htown crew and hung with them a bit, saw slam nuba exploring downtown like rockstars on scooters...hey do it big right!! ran into team hollywood...and yes they are the persona...hollywood lol but all love. last team was the best...but met by accident...no there are no accidents in life...everything for a reason...hung out at the main poet hotel...nothing really going on...too quiet...don't know how on earth they are going to handle what is about to descend on their stoic pristine hotel lol...team maui walked in...we didn't know who they were, but knew they were poets...you know we know our own kind lol. greeted us with much love...beautiful great spirits...the energy between us 5 clicked and meshed instantly. hung out with them for awhile and was blessed with some of their music and freestyles...which of course fay and jono joined. me? nah i just love to listen...they blessed my ears tremendously...
now just trying to figure out what we are going to do tonight in this town...things really don't get going until tomorrow...whatever it will be, ya know it is going down in madison. lol...nope not telling all we will do lol.
to be continued....

man i can't stop grinning

Wish Us Well...and for Safe Return

well...here we go...the team is leaving in less than 24 hours for Madison, Wisconsin for one of the biggest Slam Showdowns in the nation...perhaps the world. so looking forward to the reconnection, meeting new people and just staying in the beautiful moments of this life in poetry.
send out the good energy and prayers
kisses

Yeah Its About That Time...

--for He & She, always making sure i am taken care of, even when i don't see it
--for...again, i cannot say it enough...the beautifully different women in my life..teaching, guiding, loving...reciprocated
--for one helluva team...got my back, as i have theirs...gentle pushes, knocks ova the head...but always with love
--for one helluva week...car issues, house air conditioner went out for 2 days, realized 2 very sentimental rings of mine just disappeared, and the list goes on...but you know what? i know how blessed i still am, and how all of this has been quite amusing
--for you not wanting me to stress...there will never be enough words to tell you how much you mean to me
--for one helluva coach, sister, friend....nuff said
--for you needing your space...and granted...see you on the other side
--for 10 pounds gone!!! haha and counting
--for BELIEVING
--for an unbelievable upcoming week of hanging, loving, moments, slamming, poetry, friends, laughing, crying, acting a fool, camaraderie, cyphering...and the list goes on and on
--for knowing i need to step it up...i am the f'ing poet!!
--for my beautiful children
--for myself

Linger...

...stop rushing. just stop. sip the last drops of your tea instead of gulping them. finish your conversation before running to the next item on your calendar. pause and watch the woman who sings opera on the street, the woman who stir-fries the Chinese food, the young girl playing the violin as though she was born with it in her hand. look at the sky for just a bit longer before you get into your car. pick a leaf of mint or sage; before continuing on, rub it between your fingers and smell how delicious it smells. look into someone's eyes just a bit longer than you thought you could. linger over coffee, linger at the newsstand, linger over lunch. linger longer in bed, in the park, on the river. of course, linger longer at love.
--from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Snyder

its all about enjoying the moment, taking it all in...and thanking the Universe for allowing the experience...it really is just that simple.

Time Is flying it seems...Gratitude Is a Time To Slow Down

--for my cleansing release last night, totally unexpected...but sometimes prayers under the stars and an open heart will do this...thank you
--for "at this moment"...so precious
--for the girly tshirt from DC...lol...thank you sis
--for knowing everything is going to be alright
--for family...blood or otherwise
--for my brother and i talking it out...love him dearly...he always has my back, and i his
--for allll the beautiful women in my life, and the ones coming into it...i am so blessed...each so different...each such the same
--for missing my babies and the tall one lol...house was too quiet
--for literati...thank you cousin...thank you king....haahahahaha (evil laugh)
--for it slowly getting back to what we were...i like it
--for less than 2 weeks to the biggest poetic family reunion and rocking the stage once again with my teammies...yeah baby
--for the slow melting pleasure of dark chocolate
--for the human touch
--for being pulled in a direction He must think i am ready for
--for reconnections
--for patient love..no matter how stubborn you are
--for healing just a centimeter more
--for this life....im so undeserving...but you thought enough of me to allow me to exist...order my steps in the way i need to go

Another reason to be Grateful...

--for the Creator & She...thank you for allowing me to breathe another day
--for life...its too precious
--for the women in my life, and the bonds that are strengthening
--for knowing Shazza The Great...and her Beautifully strong mother Sheila...one does not have a child that wondrous, without a mother's guidance
--for the poets who have come together, trying to mend the wounds
--for the poets who rocked the sanctuary walls
--for peace of mind
--for speaking my mind for peace of mind
--for our team working hard at crunch time
--for allowing myself to become vulnerable...even for a moment
--for hellacious poetry house parties...none like em
--for the gathering in the back around the table
--for the youth...damn for the youth and their words...i mean wow
--for the way you look at me
--for the right music for every occasion...for every tear..for every laugh...for every smile
--for missing you
--for cleansing tears
--for stepping away...hurts like hell though
--for his giddiness...we all want this kind of happiness...and love
--for making it official soon
--for new friends
--for forgiveness
--for my children...for my children
--for the bond between i and the young souljah
--for laughs until the tears come...always a good thing
--for chill moments just listening to the wind in the trees...they speak you know

Just Breathe....

today we come together as one...honoring our fallen warrior...we will shake the walls of the sanctuary...cause the angels to tremble...You better take good care of her...

her journey continues...just not here

always the slight mona lisa smile
she knew the secrets we wanted to know
kept them in the upcurve of that grin
kept them behind the fire gracing her eyes
besides the words birthed from her mouth
it is her eyes and that smile i will remember the most
20 some odd years the earth was happy
for her feet walked fully upon it
seems heaven was jealous
and wanted her back
i don't fully understand
yes i am angry
mothers are not suppose to bury their own
not suppose to bury their only
forgive me for questioning You
but what right do you have...?!
i know we are selfish
but you must understand who shannon is...
for i will never say who she was...
go head queen
continue on your path
teach the angels why they must fly
kiss the sudanese children goodnight
mend the fences that were breaking
show us what it means to live
write on the hem of His garment
close the holes in His palms
make Him blush with the words "Fuck Me Human"
go head warrior
do your thing
we will be watching the skys
knowing every shooting star
is really you throwing your spear
thank you for allowing me to know you
but dammit
dammit
dammit!!!

Let....

let it be. just let it be and let go. let her have her way, then let go of it once and for all. let her have her way, then let a sleeping dog lie. let it be okay. let it be. let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with you. let up on the gas and let your mind wander. let yourself go. let your hair down; let it swing free and easy. let yourself have a break now and then will you? let yourself live again and love again. if someone has let you down, let it pass. let bygones be bygones. let the truth be known, now and forever. let the bells ring and the chimes chime.
--from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Snyder


and this has been part of the growth lately...just letting go...not letting folks walk over you or take advantage, but loving people where they are in their life at that time. not letting life get to me, especially the things i have no control over. to not hold grudges...to forgive others...more importantly to forgive myself.
just let it be and let go....peace

Haven't Listed In Awhile...But Still Always Grateful...

--for He & She always present, always blessings, always Grace
--for everday you get just a lil' better...hold on beautiful warrior
--for a great weekend and bonding even more with my team...crazy butts
--for being friends, and not just teammates...priceless
--for the inspiration and the fire put under our behinds and in our pens...WOW
--for you and the smile on my face you are responsible for...not ready for this
--for you trusting me...it will get better...but you are the one who must change sir
--for my new poet's bag all the way from across the seas...its hot!! my other bag is pissed at me for putting him away lol
--for knowing when to walk away...even for a moment
--for having the right music for every situation...why isn't this stuff played on the radiowaves?
--for you wanting to spoil me...thank you for appreciating me
--for vulnerability
--for the women in my life...never can say this one enough
--for the laughter of all 3 of my children in the same room...what else can i ask for
--for crazy text messages to make me laugh, cry, smile, and laugh again
--for remaining in the moments...its the lil things that count
--for 6 weeks to one of the best experiences we will have together

www.getwellshannon.com

write sister...
we are waiting
to feel the fire of your phoenix
the sun pales in comparison
to the fierceness piercing
from your warrior gaze
continue to write at His
at Her feet
oh the stories you will tell
when you return
please don't keep her too long
we still need her here
so write sister...
we are waiting

Leap....

close your eyes and step out over the edge. leave behind the baggage that will weigh you down. stretch farther than you beieved you could. gather your courage; you'll need it. let go of every one of those twenty-seven reasons why you can't do it. drop the concepts of failure, of success. just do it. know that you'll fly or you won't. the ground isn't that far away-and if you create a safety net before you go, someone will somehow break your fall. maybe falling is okay. you're not jumping off Mt. Kilimanjaro; you're simly testing your reach, bridging what seemed to be an impossible chasm. sell off your furniture and take a trip. cut up your credit cards. become houseless for a while. ask the children's father to take them for a month while you write or train or sing or sleep. ask again. move far away. leap.
--rachel snyder

right now...at this moment...this is where i am in my life...at the fork in the road...at the edge of the cliff...with toes gripping the edge and the wind calling my name.......

Lead...

if you were born to be a leader, lead! take the lead if it isn't given to you first. blaze the trail. usher in a new era. lead your people, lead your generation, lead us all into the promise of a new tomorrow. when the people lead, the leaders will follow. take the lead position and give others a target to aim for. lead the way to victory; lead the way to freedom. if it has always been hard for you to follow, now it's the time for you to lead. take one woman by the hand and lead her to a life of peace. lead her back to herself. if all the world's a stage, we need our leading ladies. and that means we need you now, more than ever, to lead.
--from 365 Words Of Well-Being For Women by Rachel Snyder

first, i must say a special hello and thank you to ms. snyder...if you haven't noticed she has been visiting and commenting on my blog. first time she responded i was like oh wow, then i was hoping she wasn't upset at me posting from her book lol.
i know so many of us have absorbed her words to heart, and some have even purchased this wonderful lil' book. both were my intentions for starting the posts. so thank you for stopping by...and i hope you guys will check her out on my list to the side.

second, the last few sentences of "Lead" are so important...start with taking one woman's hand and lead her back to herself or lead her out of a bad situation. i remember the ones who did this for me, and i will forever be grateful. i told myself a long time ago, i would always do the same for others...so one at a time, grab those hands, go back and get another...then another...and yet another...until the healing is done...and in turn we heal ourselves, don't you think?

Today of course..and everyday....

--for the Creator & She...always close, always love
--for one helluva team this year...the passion we have for the words...despite the game of slam
--for the beautiful women in my life, and the things we teach one another...and the hands clasped together
--for the smile on his face when he speaks of her
--for my magnificent children...thank you for allowing me to be your mommy
--for starry nights and listening...just listening
--for trusting me...for trusting you
--for the way you look at me and smile...but we know...we know it is not our time
--for music that makes me holla and be damn if i keep still
--for letting go, peeling off just a few more layers...now breathe
--for you slowly coming into your own lil panther...thank you for allowing me to witness the growth
--for rachel snyder visiting my blog lol with a good comment (check her out)
--for the people in my life...damn i am blessed
--for my creative hands
--for this life...tis good, tis good

sweetness she is...

you taste like home
like after sunday dinner's dessert
sitting under grandmother's glass cake dome
teasing me with anticipation
the sweetness of lemon cake crumbles
melting on my tongue benediction

beautiful brown
make love to my hands
with skin softened by wisdom and time
in chocolate divinity
allow me to drown

...work in progress...aren't we all

his words...poets are dangerous (lol)

(not my words...wish they were though)

A free verse moment (just wanted to give you something from me)

Let me capture you in my wings…
Help you to see the things…that are already there
A ball of positive energy burning deep within
A heart that has holes from leftover foes
Who made promises in the color of blood
And then killed your insight with false prophecies of love
Let me help you release and be free
To reach the peak of your existence
To pitch a tent against the wind…
Meditate under the stars
And start allover again
Because you are that sun…
That lights my inside with words to live by unknowingly
You have captured the flow in me
And others that have crossed your path
Live for you and never focus on the past
The new you that knows how to hold, how to feel, and how to take control
Of those who come against you
I have been in your shoes…that have been worn by ancestors before us
When you love like we do…evil comes against us
It’s the natural law of being unnatural...
For we breed the same flow…walk the same road of being different
Let’s combined energies and ignite
Let your wings take an artistic flight
And fly poet fly….just fly
The weather is beautiful up here

An Impossible Girl

Funky Mike's writing assignment: after listening too "Delilah" by The Dreseden Dolls, we had to write about an impossible girl...either she is impossible or an idea or situation is impossible.
i wrote about myself, speaking to myself, trying to save myself....

hey you
yeah?
we need to talk
about?
us
what about us?
i am tired of holding us together
this multifaceted woman
with cracked dimensions
self seeping slowly from salted fissures
depleted tape
tears slowly curling edges
sew tear ducts close
allowing them to retreat and fill empty heart chambers
cleanse the sticky residue of him
always searching for lil' boy lost
in every man you meet
the fixer
the healer
while you fall apart
tearing at the seams
stranger's kisses are not glue
warm nights only leave cold mornings
salvation will not be found between legs
no matter how many times you call God's name
get off your knees in prayer
he is not the bread of life
eat
all you want
lick the crumbs from in between fingers
all you want
gorge on his existence
all you want
you will always remain hungry
hardened bodies don't allow soft flesh
to fall to safety
only the sickening sound of a dull thud
like jumping off the edge
knowing he will continuously cut the cord
yet you expecting one day to fly
i need for you to fly
i need for you to fly away
with me
with splintered wings, tattered seams and all
you know the ones you've hidden in soiled pockets
full of pennies
because he didn't care about thoughts
yes those...
i can't promise i will catch you
but try anyway
you impossible girl

Da Week N Da Weekend Full of Gratitude...

--for trusting my instincts the Good Lord and She blessed me with...just got to listen
--for a week of abundant cash flow...always a good thing
--for being able to spoil my babies even more so, because of the extra...definitely a great thing
--for pizza, telling it like it is and laughs with 2 of my favorite people...priceless
--for the poetic family growing and for the family returning home...a blessing seeing you two on the mic again...NEO NEO WHAT!!!!
--for the cutest teacher directing our practice...natural leader
--for my pen calling me again
--for our real nice conversation at the bar...nice to finally meet you
--for the excitement of the new baby coming to fruition...say what?...SAY ANYTHING!
--for unexpected phone calls to keep me smiling
--for the way you and i "talk" without speaking a word, or when distractions come around, how we catch each other's look and laugh...yeah you stuck with me too
--for my lil' black panther always down to party...she fits everywhere
--for saying i am "wife material"...lol...why thank you ma'am
--for beautiful mild days and cool nights...why can't it stay like this
--for crazy storms watched from safe open doors, and tornadoes staying away from my house...even though the sirens went off
--for this life of mine...i am truly happy and most truly blessed

Laugh...

...laugh when it all becomes so ludicrous there's nothing else to do. laugh big, deep laughs that open up your throat and your lungs and your belly. laugh alone, laugh in concert with other laughers. at the movies, laugh when no one else laughs--and let them wonder what they've missed. laugh at your own mistakes, your own foibles, your own foolishness. laugh in the face of fear. laugh until you cry, laugh until you have a stomachache. let laughter be your medicine, your companion, your music of joy from within. laugh in school or at work or in church. get up and leave the room if you must. laugh in public. bend over laughing, fall to the ground laughing, roll on the floor laughing. start an entire room laughing, start the whole world laughing. and don't stop until you have the last laugh. she who laughs, lives.
--rachel snyder

i think this simple verb is one of the most important things anyone can do. just laugh no matter what! feels so good when you are laughing so hard, tears are flowing and you are begging for the craziness to stop because your stomach is hurting so much....that is great stuff.

Amazingly Grateful...

--for ordered steps in His path, if you ask.....you shall receive
--for just a lil bit more forgiveness...now breathe...
--for embracing the feelings and working through them instead of stuffing them
--for the lil switch that has finally gone off in my head...5 pounds lighter...watch out now!
--for the strength and power of women, especially when we come together
--for a wolf's fierce love for her man-cub...i understand
--for this thursday's neo....f*cking incredible...old school meets new school...neo neo...its not about ego's or mic time...its about a growing community, a family
--for your brown eyes smiling at me from across the table, and your lil hands in mine
--for newness
--for the excitement the team is feeling...we moving and moving fast
--for new clothes...hmmm i need some new shoes lol
--for my outlook on life these days....tis fabulous!...i am being prepared for something big ya'll...not sure what it is...but something is brewing i can feel it
--for the sound of wind whispering thru the trees, in anticipation of feeling it across my face...love that sound
--for meditation and peace of mind
--for my babies...ahhh my babies
--for the sweet love she has found, looks good on you girl
--for just hanging out, laughing, no expectations, no drama...just a slow even flicker of a flame contained...
--for her writing again...keep that pen dancing babygirl
--for long lists...priceless

Mental Foreplay

the best sex starts in the foreground of the mental playground
may i play in your sandbox for awhile?
share all my toys with you
even show you some new ones
we can play with our words
until we achieve deep stimulation
until the streetlights come on
so come inside
ease your hardness
into my softness
no movement
just sanctuary
within thy temple
bodies meditating in silence
set our minds a fire
soothe the soul
inscribe illusions across eyelids
like Ouija board incantations
hands kneading away at the subtleties
and thickness of curves
caress the underside of my thigh
go deeper into this playground
i told you i would share it all
soft heat whispers secrets across necklines
into wisps of curls
the scent of vanilla
the taste of raspberries
i your favorite sweetness
you my favorite weakness
intoxicates senses
let tongues seek their own inebriation
drink me into heaven
without judgement
without sin
sip me into sunrises
swallow straight through sunsets
savor this flavor
of blissful insanity
allow me to be the ultimate aphrodisiac
so come and play in between these mental walls
so come...

Labor...

labor hard to bring forth your creations. labor long into the night. feel your body as a sacred vessel, pouring out the fruits of your labors. give birth to an idea, a vision you've carried for decades. sweat and grunt and moan low to bring forward your music, your words, your dance, your dream. yourself. feel yourself ready to open. hear yourself cry out from the pain. scream for everyone to leave you alone. beg for everyone to hold you close. surround yourself with women while you labor. ask them to hold your hands, to rub your back, to bring you warm blankets and cool drinks and an extra box of diskettes. know that whatever you birth, when the labor is over, the hard work begins.
--rachel snyder of 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

the fight to bring forth love is worth every scratch, bruise, and blood spilt...right?

Kvetch...

Once or twice.

three times at the most.

then quit your complaining, and get over it.

it might make you feel well, but the rest of us are sick and tired of hearing it!!
--rachel snyder

lol, this one had me laughing and saying HELL YES!
you know we all know someone who is like this...whining about their life or somebody else or something else non-stop. okay...yeah...say it, then get moving...or what ya going to do about it? venting is good, i might add...there is a place for it...but you also need to know when to shut the hell up and do something about it. quit sitting in your own shit, get the broom out and clean your mess up!
whew...i needed to say that, i think...

Gracious Gratitude

--for the one who created this complication, and the one who continues to stand by me
--for knowing (sometimes) when to speak, and when to shut the hell up
--for crawfish boils, bad azz domino partner (they can't handle us!), great stimulating conversations, good company, reconnections and new connections, an unlikely dj, kindred spirits, and the passion of women...all in the same evening!
--for kayaking on an absolutely perfect day with my brother and my oldest gift
--for forgiveness
--for the growth in us that is obvious and acknowledged
--for paths that continue to cross...lets walk this one together this time
--for knowing...KNOWING my peace and joy does not come from outside sources...its been a long road to actually finally feel this coming to fruition
--for the sparks our lips create together
--for getting lost in a good book
--for prayer...i recommend it to any and everybody
--for the homeless man who said i had a pretty smile--and wanted nothing
--for meeting a young man who has been beyond the veil of this earthly plane, i believe he will be a good teacher...and he could see the unearthed power in me
--for family...blood and otherwise

Knit...(for you babygirl)

...knit by the fire in the autumn of the year. knit all winter long, woolen socks and mittens, hats and leggings. knit a magical scarf that tells magical stories, mystical yarns. knit ten thousand stitches and, at every stitch, recite a prayer. knit with wool cotton, handspun yarns, curlicued and mohair-soft and fuzzy. knit, purl, knit, purl. knit a family together. knit a community together, drawing each thread closer and linking with the others. knit a row, purl a row, knit a row, purl a row. knit for the baby not yet born a hooded shawl, tiny feet warmers, a blanket dyed with the marigold's gold. knit with your greataunt's needles, smooth wood or ivory, the mouths of whales, clicking softly, softly.. knit and purl, and knit and purl and knit and purl, and knit.
--rachel snyder

and she does so well...knit your heart back together and stronger sis...much love

mirrored pockets

beauty personified she is
but she doesn't know it
sees only distorted reflections
in cracked mirrors
kept hidden in bits and pieces
in the deep reaches of pockets
rubbing already scarred thumbs
across sharp edges
slicing flesh to the core
the only way she feels alive
for words change
and are temporary
though some stick
like gummy sidewalk trash
...when she is alone
in the darkness
and solitude of herself
she pulls the bloody shards from their hiding places
carefully arranging an image
of brittle distortion
trying to get the pieces to fit
trying to see past conflicted images
not lining up
something always missing
she doesn't see the answer
only more questions of devalue
she is
as simple as a flower in a field
with yellow arms and brown eye
looking for the sun
and not seeing it
missing the beauty of just being
missing the beauty of she.


...the highlighted line is Jonathan Sterling's words...poets had to write a number of similies. later, one poet would pass on one of the similies to another poet, and have them write off of that particular line. this was the result..

Inspire...

...do something very courageous, very bold, very exhilarating, and pass the energy along. be infectious. lower your voice and lean in to tell how awesome it is to move halfway across the country with no money, no job, no place to live. breathe in, breathe out, breathe into another. tell another woman how you left a suffocating job or relationship--so she knows she can do it. tell a young girl about the thrill of traveling around the world alone--so she knows she can try it. be as healthy, as vibrant, as beautiful, as authentic as you possibly can be, in a way that speaks silently to others. you can be this, too. smile at other women's dreams and their hopes, and reassure them that they'll survive whatever black hole they're currently navigating. at the beach, tell the young mother of four that you and your ex-husband can talk together, laugh together. don't just tell her that she can be there, too, show her. let her see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice and then breath it in --inspire.
--rachel snyder

i didn't have a strong village of women growing up. my grandmother jewel guided me as best and as long as she could. she left too soon...don't they always.
i paid attention to her silent strength. she never complained when life was hard, just dug her boots in deeper to remain standing. always staying true to herself. it has taken me almost a lifetime to remember that same beautiful grace and power runs through my own veins...i am getting it...i am feeling it...i am doing it, and will continue the legacy within my own namesakes and the women along my path.
part of our own responsibility as women...is to teach other women how to be women and stand in their own power...right?
keep passing the baton
--shelle

If Ever A Time...

--for the Creators love and grace everyday, and the gentle pushes
--for some much needed time away w/o cellphones...we have become so dependent on them its really ridiculous
--for picking up where we left off, you still are one of the funniest guys i know...glad we are still friends, and thank God for brothers and myspace lol
--to second another blogger's words...jazz, wine & writing with fellow poets/friends...tis good tis good
--for fellow poets/friends sharing good positive personal news, thank you for allowing me to be a part of the celebration
--for the strength of women...nuff said
--for tay's grades heading in the right direction...yeah!
--for the love between me and my brother...none like it...i cut a mofo over him lol
--for family, laughter, pizza, goodwill shopping, and air hockey...haha i BEAT YOU!!
--for our situation being different, but always love and always family
--for a great ktown showdown with 4 slamchamps!!! seriously!!!
--for ihop filled to the brim with poets and the cutie pie cookie handling it all
--for great reggae music, tight circles, and tight eyes lol
--for doing some things solo and being okay with it
--for embracing the sad and negative feelings instead of ignoring them...they are all a part of me and they all need their acknowledgement
--for doing me...well

Insist...

when you must, insist. insist that you be given the opportunity to speak. insist that everyone be given the same. insist that they listen. insist that every viewpoint be given credence--no matter who presents it. insist on the truth; insist that people be willing to dig for it. insist that the people around you be civil and respectful of all beings. insist that they stop already with the jokes that aren't funny and the compliments that compliment no one. insist on a square deal. insist that people look at you when they talk to you. insist on nothing less from yourself. when polite isn't quite enough and demanding seems over the top, simply, firmly, clearly insist.
--rachel snyder- 365 Words of Well-Being for Women


one must insist in order to be treated a certain kind of way, not just any kind of way. people will either respect it, or walk away...pay attention to the ones that walk away. not only are you setting the standard or setting the bar high for yourself, you are also insisting for others that may not have found their voice yet. insist on your voice being heard, even if its your silence that speaks volumes. insist on respect of self and of others.
my lil .02 cents
--shelle

Ignore...

...ignore ignorant minds and ignorant actions. when half-truths or untruths are cast in your direction ignore them. when you receive letters filled with vituperative trash, tear them up and throw them into the fire. to repel unwanted and untoward advances, ignore them. ignore all kinds of verbal slings and arrows. turn away, turn around, and walk away. turn the other cheek. say "Good-bye" and then hang up the phone. pay no attention to the ravings of jealous fools. ignore unfounded slurs on your character and your reputation. give them no fuel, and they will eventually die out. to reject, ignore. to snuff, ignore. you suffer no ignominy when you choose to ignore.
--Rachel Snyder

Sorry, but this whole passage needed to be in bold!! some i wish i could double-bold if possible (lol)
nuff said!

Being in the Moment...

--for the wind rustling through the trees, reminding me of the Greatness & Grace
--for watching my ham of a son in his last 8th grade play...he is a natural
--for the love we have for one another unspoken...words are not always necessary
--for having some of the most dynamic and sexy 40yr old women in my life, and being part of the new club myself lol...we is hot!!
--for kisses on the tops of heads
--for the Velvet Room...heeeeeey!!
--for still a great domino partner...and thank you for pulling him back in...i c u
--for growing and strengthening ties
--for laughs until it hurts...much needed
--for some really great writing together...more about the family feel, than the writing...looking forward to the possibilities...no matter what
--for performing for a great receptive bunch of kids, the questions asked, and hearing their own words
--for not being vindictive...'cause oh baby it would be so easy...temporary pleasure doesn't help anything
--for thank God i have grown past the above
--for insane text messages that again gross me out or have me laughing
--for being a muse for a bit...miss the late night talks homie
--for new lacy pink bras
--for cloud dancing with you
--for insatiable appetites satisfied
--for being just a lil lighter these days
--for the growing maturity

Hush...

...hush now. quit explaining, stop discussing. put an end to the talk, talk, talk, and hush. breathe out slowly and feel the silence. listen to everything, to nothing in particular. rest your throat and your mind with a strong dose of hushed silence. when you've said enough, hush. when you've said a little too much, definitely hush. when you hear yourself start to tear down another woman, hush. when everything that comes out of your mouth begins to sound ugly and negative, hush. if you feel like whining, consider whether you'd rather just hush. when you start dredging up empty words to fill the space, it might do well just to hush a moment. shhhhhh. hear the awesome power of saying nothing at all. hussssshhhhhh
--rachel snyder

this has worked so well for me this past year. i still have my moments, but believe me silence is golden. sometimes i catch myself in mid sentence with the negative talk, and i will immediately stop. forgive myself. remain quiet. then deal with myself later in the quiet moments. we have got to start being accountable, and we must start holding our sisters in higher esteem.
the tongue is a deadly weapon...use it wisely...use it with love...if not, then shut the hell up!

Writing Lab

Subject: Lost Lives
Words to include:
george grief
xylophone x-ray
youth yield
organic onmipotent
lungs longevity
sorrow socialist

there are no children here
just empty vessels of grief
carrying fading youthful memories
shell shocked lungs breathe the dirt of deceit
and never will be again
tomorrow is their forever sorrow
hidden within omnipotent blank stares
socialist tears have no place here
dried up and crushed under tank treads
and george issued combat boots
the air heavy with the dusty stench of what was
what could be
what should of been
taps the brains like missing xylophone keys
an odd thud
yielding no organic joy
their eyes watch through hollow slits
x-ray into their own future of non-longevity.

Howl...

...in the dark of the night, howl at the moon. howl in sync with the coyotes who line the ridge at dawn. live your life like a wolf, and howl long and low, high and shrill, plaintive and wailing and ancient. howl with laughter, roaring. howl your grief. howl your loneliness. howl when you need help now. sound a warning call that echoes through the canyons. howl when the others are singing, when the others are weeping. shriek and scream and growl and cry out when there are no words that touch deeply enough or sound wild enough. howl a mournful, soulful, beautiful howl. you know how. howl.
--rachel snyder "365 Words of Well-Being For Women"

sometimes finding that inner wolf is vital to surviving, vital to get through the pain or whatever it is one is feeling.
to find that deep growling, is so primitive..and yes it speaks from the ancient. it is how we once expressed ourselves. it is how women got through childbirth. it is how we mourn. it is how we grow.
Running With The Wolves (can't remember the author right now) was once on my top books read...i would recommend it to any woman.
i dare ya to howl from way down deep in your gut, watch some stuff come loose inside ya.
find her, she is in all of us.

Honor...

...honor yourself for the fine woman you are. honor women in every stage of their lives, be they young maidens, mothers, elders. use the word. say i honor you for your courage when a woman takes an unpopular stand. say i honor you for your openness when a woman allows her emotions to flow freely. honor the woman who has had a child--and lost it. honor the woman who, by fate or by choice, will never have a child. honor the woman who fought off an attacker with her bare hands--or did anything, including nothing, to stay alive at the hands of another. honor the grandmothers who tell the stories, who remember the old ways, who have time for the young. honor the woman who has fought to stop war--and the woman who has fought when war called her name. honor the woman who cleans, who cooks, who serves, who governs, who grows, who defends, who protects. honor the woman in every man, if you are lucky enough to catch a glimpse of her. honor every woman as you would have every woman honor you.
--Rachel Snyder

Is there honor amongst women anymore?
I pray it so...though i know i have been guilty in the past of not honoring others or myself. I know honoring other beautiful women in my life, also comes from honoring the beautiful woman inside my own self. Sort of like you can't love others, until you love yourself type thing...yeah.
we women are quick to judge, manipulate, degrade, and tear down one another in an instant. if i am, or ever was guilty of this (i know i have been)please forgive me...as i have forgiven most (lol) that have done the same to me. imagine the love and the healing in just honoring one another....
i am still learning so much
Woman friend
Woman stranger
I honor you
I honor myself

Heal...

...woman, heal thyself. once and for all, find your emotional scars and psychic wounds and set about healing them. heal by talking, painting, acting, dancing, singing, cooking. let your heart lead you. heal in solitude, in a group, in a circle, in a community, in an ashram. heal in the forest or on a mountaintop, in a clinic or in a church. heal with a therapist, a shaman, a counselor, a bodyworker, a priest, a priestess, a rabbi, a minister, a doctor, a medicine woman. let your heart guide you. heal while you're in your thirites, in your forties, in your sixties, in your eighties. it's never too early, never too late. start healing. do it in 12 steps or in 235 steps or in 1,200 steps. heal with herbs, heal with energy, heal with the power of prayer. heal others by healing yourself. heal your community by healing yourself. heal the planet by healing yourself.
--rachel snyder

i know i have so much stuff still to get through, things i am currently dealing with, things from my past that still haunt me, things i am not ready to deal with...but i know i must in order to be the woman i am suppose to be...my true authentic self. i am getting there though, slowly but surely...that is what counts, right?
i have been told i have a healing spirit. sometimes i can just lay hands on someone and calm them...i am not bragging it is just that way. i come from a strong line of women who do the same and more. i find it funny, or interesting i should say, that someone who has this capability, is also a woman who is so wounded herself. perhaps i need to find a way for these hands to touch and heal my own heart.
i will always be a work in progress...not a bad thing at all!

Guard...

guard fiercely that which others want most to wrest from you. your inner wild places and the freedom to visit them often. the gateways to your very soul, the keys to your secret garden and all that you cultivate therein. guard against attacks of all sorts by those who cover your light and envy your brilliance. create shields visible and invisible, and infuse them with the power to deflect invasions of your body, mind, and spirit. guard the security of your home as if it were more valuable than the grandest place on Earth, for surely it is. establish your personal boundaries and guard them against interlopers who would barge in against your will. be the guardian of your own solitude and that of others, and peace shall always be yours.
--rachel snyder

this has become so important to me lately, and even moreso, transitioning into my 40's. i have a very loving and open heart, but not everyone has the best intentions for me...but i will never stop being the woman that i am, just a lil more guarded for my own damn peace of mind.

The moments that mattered...

--you being the first to wish me "Happy Birthday Madame", even if it was a text..thank you
--drinking good wine in the cool breeze
--waking up wrapped in Happy Birthday streamers
--my babies fixing me breakfast before they left for school...no sleeping in, but that was okay
--fried green tomatoes, gumbo, and mini bison burgers washed all down with a drink called "The Moron"...cause if you drink the whole thing...lol...it was huge...uh yeah ya know i finished it! let's get this party started
--finding the perfect outfit for my night, and the look on your face when i stepped out the dressing room
--feeling like a princess the whole night
--the love, the love, the LOVE from my Neo fam and friends...incredible...there are no words to explain how each of you made me feel that night...i am truly a blessed woman in more ways than one...nothing like NEOOOOOOOOOO
--your reaction when i walked into the door
--kisses on the shoulder...hmmm got to wear more stuff like that lol
--tje serenading me...sigh...sigh...sigh...okay sigh
--poetry tag...OMG!!!!!
--attending the relays for the first time and seeing all the yellow love for our beloved tweety.
--hanging out with you...yeah we have turned the corner...like the view
--last minute score for free wristbands to urban music fest
--having a sugar daddy for a day
--finding an exquisite ring to celebrate this 40th milestone
--music to take you back and shaking our tail feathers...do it ladies
--hanging out with 2 of the coolest cats in town at the reggae party
--performing in San Marcos with a fantastic group of young people...so inspiring
--our duet...damn we did that!
--continuous reflection...like i said i am a blessed woman indeed...it only gets better and better...watch out 40's HERE I AM!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KING!!

Gratititude is Necessary

--for the Creator & She calming my spirit often
--for watching the sunset, and realizing you were watching me
--for being a pretty good matchmaker...they have been inseparable
--for Passion flavored Tazo tea
--for the earth being reborn in such magnificent colors lately...love spring!
--for your fingers in my hair...and in my heart
--for knowing the best poet doesn't always win, but good words still linger
--for his happiness...for theirs
--for growth even when circumstances try to take you backwards...i refuse!
--for NEW SHOEZ...still laughing about that one...ya'll are hilarious
--for free pool, pitchers of beer, torn jeans, and us four together...priceless
--for finding the letter you wrote me...a month later by surprise..wow, took my breath away...we are going to be alright
--for the power of the pen, to keep the tongue silent...best that way at times
--for knowing IT is there for me too...i am patient
--for Kami excelling on the stupid...yes stupid, TAKS test...so proud

my own love post...when knives stuck deep ain't enuff

tears fall
sliding across screaming lips
and a slowly festering bitter tongue
its not suppose to be like this
psuedo justification laid thick
upon torn bandages
not the ointment needed
careless whispers bleed the wounds
poisonous kisses leave deep imprints
instincts tried to save me
ignorance is bliss
blinders caused tunnel vision
when i looked into your eyes
your word was biblical
how can God ever believe in you?

scratch my eyes out
so i may never see it
slice my tongue into tiny pieces
so i may never speak it
lobotomize the exact moment
so i may never remember it
cut out the rest of my heart
so i may never feel it

dismember loyalty
within the acidity of your deep throat
moan your needs into brick pillows
and soiled sheets
fill the prescription
he will always be just what the doctor ordered
will even make house calls
with an appointment, of course

funny Karma always gets whats hers
she definitely bit me in the ass for the bed i laid in
i had it coming by my own indescretions
i wonder...
what she will do to you?

Beautiful Day & Gratefulness...

--for the Creator & She...holding me together
--for this nasty crud finally slowly going away...man i was real sick
--for one of the best sxsw i have been to, the music and the people were great
--for my lil partner in crime...who knew lol
--for every door that closes...He always opens a window at least
--for not having a violent nature...but i will cut a mofo over my child...huh tay lol...she knows her momma is a bit off
--for being able to smell again just slightly
--for picking up my passion for reading again...check out One Day I Saw A Black King by J.D. Mason...literally had me crying in spots
--for the rain and the sunshine...always have to have both...otherwise how would anything grow
--for lessons in the pain...still confused, but slowly getting it...slowly
--for his lady coming into town finally...he is a nervous happy wreck!
--for another neo showdown to determine the team...should be interesting (you and you should be in it dammit!...but i understand...i guess lol)
--for the first day of spring....YEAH!!
--for 14 days until my 40th...like wow...okay
--for everything for a reason...everything!
--for your charming azz...the banker and the artist huh? balance/yin-yang
--for the my new nickname "tink"

its 2:18 in the morning

some of my weirdness lol...i started these lil whatevers a few months ago...very random, but that time kept coming up...odd right? for me not so much. some in an elevated state...okay well all of em really but who cares...thought it was interesting how the mind works when you don't hinder it

its 2:18 in the morning
this comes from the far reaches of mind
places i don't even let myself in
skeletons dying to talk
so speak
if you can
i dare you

its 2:18 in the morning
i am the only one awake on this planet right now
holding conversations with self
even answering the questions asked
does that make me schizophrenic
or just keeping myself company?
she and i have a strange relationship

its 2:18 in the morning
poetry haunts me
sits on lines of notebook paper
among random thoughts
if not written down quickly
will soon be forgotten
scribbled right next to grocery lists
and doodles of nothing
fighting to be seen
to sit next to other choice words
ready to mean something
to be spoken
hang tightly from the tips of tongues
salivating to be heard

its 2:18 in the morning
i think i'm dead
for i no longer dream
of you

its 2:18 in the morning
my exhales can't breathe
can't find a pulse
yesterday dug too deep
cutting off the blood supply
scratching my head
trying to grab onto thoughts
delete
space
insert
rewrite
again...caught on a hangnail
run-ons speeding ahead
into the sunset

its 2:18 in the morning
out of over 700 channels
you would think i could find
something decent to watch on tv
catch my attention with something other than
naked bodies, informercials or chat lines
these layers require more than mindless stimulation

its 2:18 in the morning
my hunger surpasses all yearnings right now
in need of something for the soul
she is wearing thin
so many years here
may not be able to thicken skin
but can pad my insides for the fall

melancholy seduction

i play tricks with my body
to make it think you are still here
slowly tracing thick silhouette
fingers teasing
bringing forth soft giggles of memories
yes...you were even there too.
the seduction of your kiss
played like jazzy tunes across lips
leaving sentiments behind
tasting caramel mixed with dark chocolate
i lick my tips as if no one is watching...
you strummed thighs
gently
like cello strings
softly
bringing notes to rise
deeply
perpetual state of seduction
so play me
play me like an acoustic vibe
far into the night
invade these hips
claim your space
satisfy this insatiable appetite
beyond satisfaction
let me linger
right there on the edge
pull me back
just a lil
slow it down
just a lil
until you feel the song
being created within the depths of my throat
let me sing
as my full body arches each note
don't let me breathe
fill in the unfinished ink along my back
with your demanding whispers
tracing lines with your tongue
coloring the lady's wings
make her fly
higher than what i could ever smoke...
i lick my tips as if no one is watching....
(work in progress)

Grow...

...become more than you are right now. grow into a greater sense of self. grow in your capacity to listen, to love. grow more deeply into your relationships.(yes, all of them.) admit that you're growing more beautiful with each passing day. grow sunflowers in the the front yard instead of grass. grow into yourself. catch up with the nose you always thought was too big, the heart that always seemed too open, the sexuality that seemed insatiable. grow beyond all the walls and fences you thought were stopping you. grow a garden that's alive and bright and luscious, multilayered and multitextured and filled with hardy perennials and showy anuuals. grow your own garden inside yourself, and tend it well and always.
--365 Words of Well-Being for Women by rachel snyder

such a small word "grow" with huge and powerful meaning and understanding. its the understanding we must do. it is the understanding that we must constantly grow within self...or hell at least try. one of the hardest things to do, as well though...i know this better than anyone. everyday is not perfect. everyday does not have to be perfect. i know i am one screwed up individual (hey admitting is half the problem right lol), but i also know i am one blessed screwed up individual who is constantly moving forward...no matter how small my steps may be. there are days i may walk backwards or even in circles...stuck in my own stuff. but i know those days are the ones i need to look at more closely...to look in the mirror a lil longer than usual. and that is okay. i just refuse to be the same as i was a lifetime ago, a year ago, a day ago, a minute ago. it is a choice, right?
this flower ain't through blooming yet...smile

Grieve...

...let yourself feel the pain of losing. grieve for a friendship that's over or a parent who has died. pour out the anguish that comes with being fired from your job, laying a beloved animal to rest, having your pride and your stature and your belongings stripped away from you. feel how much it hurts. take absolutely as long as you need. cry and wail. sob and fall to the floor if you must; put everything else aside while your tears flow. scream and bang your fists against something soft and cry out WHY?, knowing there isn't really an answer you can wrap your brain around. grieve for the loss of a part of yourself. when you're empty, when the grieving subsides, remember that spring always follows winter and that every time something dies, something else is born.
--rachel syder

sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go and just grieve...because it means you must feel.

And Even Now...Still I Am Grateful...

--for the Creator & She and their sustaining love
--for the way you & i kick it...we crazy but its good stuff
--for top of the head kisses and arms wrapped around me
--for you knowing i needed the escape...no questions asked...lets just chill.thank you
--for you wanting to protect me, even from afar...thank you...i will never forget it
--for all the great girl time we had...there will never be another you
--for my son and his gift of smile and laughter that he gives me daily
--for the maturity in taylor's walk and speech
--for prayer...for prayer...for prayer...for prayer...for prayer
--for the love i see in your eyes
--for stumbling steps...always teaching me about me
--for "and this too shall pass"...please let it be soon
--for stolen hope...i guess i needed the wakeup call...blessing in disguise
--for watching you move on the b-ball court...my eyes thank you sir
--for early morning "good morning madame"...with reply "good morning sir"...nice to know i am the first one you call to start your day
--for crazy text messages that make me laugh til it hurts, or gross me out lol
--for being the fantastic woman that i am...despite the skeletons of past
--for being a poet whose words run deep thru blue and red veins...may i bleed frequently
--for no matter what...i love you and you still...and wish you and you well...even still...maybe now you will be able to heal a lil bit more
--for letting go
--for holding on
--for forgiveness

My .02cents Up On My Soapbox Next to the Bible Thumpers

okay, so i recently received an email from a friend about Oprah Winfrey promoting and teaching about the "New Age Christ" on her online study course. This email was forwarded to her, which of course was forwarded many times before that i am sure. I get a lot of the religious type emails from this person, some i read, others i delete..others i save...never know when some good Godly inspiration will come in handy.
My issue with the whole email was it was so outrageously incorrect! I knew immediately the book in question had not been read by either the person sending it to me or the original perpetraitor who started the crap. sorry it touched a nerve. i am so sick of this happening. accusations, condemnations, judgements made...folks jumping on the band wagon, not even knowing where the wagon is going or who is driving...all in the name of the Great One. Church folks, the ones that preach the most...are the most judgemental hypocritical people on the planet...how the hell is that suppose to save souls...that is not what God is! In no way am i saying the person who sent this to me falls under this category, no,i am referring to the original author of these type of emails. but it worries me when so many blindly follow without checking out the facts themselves.
my response to the email: Actually, if you have read this book (and i am sure you passed this on w/o even have looked at the book), you would know this mass email sent out is false and is teaching negative religious propaganda itself. Funny to me, how when a person says they have spoken to, or heard Jesus speaking to them...folks are quick to say they are crazy and should be denounced. Its always church folk who are the most negative and judgemental.
God gave us the many ways to find our path to him, which is truly w/in ourselves anyway. God resides in each of us, He is not some far away entity we are not allowed to touch. If a book provides ways to find our true authentic selves, to love ourselves, to love others...for love is the ultimate form of God anyway...what is wrong with that.
Once again, if you have not read the book...seen the movie...heard the person...or whatever...don't send stuff blindly...it breeds negativity and hate...which is not of God."

she actually admitted she hadn't read the book at all and just quickly glanced at the email forwarded to her.....
exactly my point....very dangerous...getting off my box now

Free...

...free yourself! free yourself from habits that suppress you, people that depress you, rules that repress you. get rid of clothing that pinches, binds, or leaves red designs on your skin--and free yourself to move in comfort. free up some time every week--or every day--to express your creativity. free your mind of negative thoughts and belittling beliefs. sell your house and free yourself from the never-ending world of home maintenance. free yourself from draining relationships with people who want only to take and never to give. cut up your credit cards and free yourself from the vicious cycle of debt and interest that never goes away. free the poet that's locked inside you. free the athlete who never got to run, the ballerina who never got to dance, the diva who never had the freedom to sing. free yourself to be the woman you were always meant to be. AND BE FREE!
--rachel snyder