it seems,though some light has come into my life...its funny how the darkness demands to be heard...so, i will let it speak..it is time. i am in a good place, so don't worry about me...interesting how he brings this forth. demands i look truly @ the reflection.

so much history etched beneath skin
so deep
bruises have yet to surface
yet to color her earth tone skin
even the veins reach for healing
returning to its origin to no avail
with each breath
with each scream
with each sigh
wrote a prayer once in the bend of her wrists
blood bled like rosary beads at her feet
"hail Mary, full of grace...
it has been 39 years since my last confession...
forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
39 years since her mother's screams anointed her crown
turning back is not an option
crows have gorged from the morsels of pain left behind
path never the same
nor remembered
she is her mother's daughter
yet never really knowing a daughter's mother
shell's of maternal women with no instincts
there was no handbook for this
how does a child become a woman,
healthy and full?
she doesn't really
the dress will always be soiled no matter what
tattered at the seams
many masks worn
many walls built
rooms without doors or windows to breathe
hides in shadows the sun refuses to seep into
self preservation at its finest
......

Blessed I know...

--for the Creator & She and their amazing Grace...maaaan!
--for the fact you made it through the crash a lil bruised and sore...but still here
--for recognizing it was you before i knew it was you, and laughing in the cold
--for phone calls and funny text messages...growth
--for the way he looks at me, despite myself
--for a house of laughter, making it easier to forget
--for the smiles on my babies faces...they make it all worth it ya know
--for words coming still...how can i say no? i don't
--for being okay with decisions made
--for my girl loving being home, i can hear her laughing from here.
--for waking up to beautiful sunrises next to you and not caring about a damn thang!
--for learning the new language you speak...be patient with me for i am afraid of what i want the most
--for blessings raining down at the last minute...He is ALWAYS on time...i dare you to say otherwise
--for some very special ladies in my life..Lisa and Trice you are incredible...there are no words
--for knowing we women are so much more alike than we are different, right babygirl?
--for watching the creativity bloom in her hands
--for new paths...so new, its hard to find my footing
--for the need of the mic tonight...not speaking, but listening...but plans of changed...again everything for a reason
--for 100 days from Christmas Day to my 40th..wow
--for a shedding of skin even though it hurts
--for a challenge i have made to myself...and the passion, power, discipline, prayers to keep it!!

got 10 minutes left on the computer......

i tip toe thru spaces within
too small for even my shadow to dwell
playing hide-n-seek with reality
come get me
yeah you
don't worry about me
i will get over myself
cause the underneath hurts
but life gotta way of doing that ya know
so now what?
million dollar questions
hope to pay dividends
split stocks
split selves
not enough to go around
feed back into me
starving on what i give
no nourishment
flavor is different
in need of seasoning
just to swallow
taste funny
always does with something new
maybe the thud in the pit of my stomach is trying to tell me something...
pray i listen and take heed

odd place this is to be...

Um yeah...

--for Creator & She...i must be careful what i ask for, i just might of got it.
--for new beginnings, and shedding the old...i am sorry
--for 12 hours straight on the phone, and it still wasn't enough
--for giggles and laughs until it hurt...like um are we suppose to do that at such an intimate moment lol
--for eating bomb azz sandwiches with blueberry hot tea..in warm socks and tshirts
--for interesting chess games...very interesting
--for you reaching out
--for his new car...yeah big brotha b...sometimes life pushes you to long needed action
--for long walks and christmas lights...don't you just love this time of year
--for family
--for sunshine going home..enjoy ma
--for the tears that water the flowers that will soon bloom
--for the words you speak and the ones your eyes scream
--for the lovely women in my life...i have learned, and continue to learn so much
--for leaping out on faith...try to catch me if the wings don't work ok?
--for my brothers, even if not by blood, checking on me...how did i get so lucky?

look here
within
places i don't see
but obviously you do
choices i have made
not to observe
protects me
ignorance is bliss
right?
i have been here before with you
different time, different place
same heartache

darkness seeks light not to destroy
but to help it find its way
then to posses
you see that
watching me
studying me
praying that i see
i do

i have walked into the lion's den
conversations spoken without words
eyes piercing the impenetrable
you do not have to fight here
i came willingly relinquishing self
honor this temple you enter often
for it is your saving grace


peace

Thankful.....

--for the Creator & She and sustaining Grace
--for dismissed cases....YEAH!!
--for cold days, though this can't make up its mind weather is driving me nuts...i'll take the cold, no rain, for 200 Alex
--for close library's with internet
--for yummy omelets from a crazy place called The Omelettry...seriously lol
--for babygirl and all the new possibilities...don't you dare feel guilty for your taking charge of your own happiness
--for understanding the pain you are going through...unfortunately our circles are small...but love is big
--for great goodwill finds and my decorating hands
--for inspiration
--for not having to hear you talk about yourself ever again lol...and you probably don't have a clue
--for jessica playing in my hair...quality time together can be so beautiful...sigh she has grown so much
--for her saying she WANTS to go back to school next year...thank GOD
--for the way my puppy Theo keeps me laughing and how he needs to be no further than 5ft away from me at all times...my dog for sure
--for giving myself 90 days to get it together...90 days!!!!!
--for new pieces flowing...already working on 2 more...the poet gods are being generous...thank you thank you!
--for slamming again against some good poets...great show
--for seeing how funny you are on the mic, missed ya hosting lady...good job
--for good chocolate...nothing like it

What's Been Going On....

well...
-internet is down @ home, so i'm at the library...reasons for no posts of late
-working on few new pieces..one in particular is maddening...timed at 4min 22 seconds...hell that won't work at all...hate slicing my baby dammit
-headed to antone's tonight to see Ms Faylita do the damn thang...she made it to the top 5 on famecast...like wow
-moving closer and closer to personal goals...let you know when i've arrived lol
-uhhh its December already, how did that happen
-my eating is out of control...must be making up for lack of sex...yeah i said it...acknowledging is half the battle right...i'm stupid
-slowly making my way back to legal as well hahaha, license reinstated YES!!
-still making beautiful different jewelry....cough cough that will make GREAT christmas gifts...holla!
-decorating for the holidays...uh again how did december get here so fast
-missing you
-detesting you
-loving me
-there ya go, continued blessings
peace out

Thank you....

always be grateful. give thanks for all that you have, no matter how little or how much that may be. thank your grandmother for wonderful cheekbones, thank your fourth-grade teacher for getting you that special book on how bridges are built. when you get through another day, say Thank you to God or Goddess or whoever you believe is in charge. be thankful for the music that leaves make when tickled by a warm breeze; be thankful for rain. when your promotion comes through, say Thank you. when a friend lets you sleep on her sofa because you can't be anywhere else, say Thank you. be thankful that you have two arms and legs that work. if you don't, be thankful you still have a heart with which to give thanks.
--rachel snyder 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

...oh and i am! the house is finally quiet. leftovers are dwindling. it is cold and rainy outside. feeling warm and melancholy inside.
therefore, i want to say a few thank you's to some folks who have touched my life..whether briefly, long term, past, present, or whatever way...everything for a reason...each teaching moments, if you pay attention.
I know i am truly blessed for each of you...my heart is full.
--for Creator & She, sustaining and protecting me from seen and unseen, for blessing me endlessly
--for Grandmother Jewel, you were/are my cornerstone in this life. my everything. thank you for being what my parents lacked. thank you for your strong deep roots growing through me, even today.
--for my family, far and near...may be small, may be dysfunctional, but you are me, and i am you...still a family, still love
--for my children, thank you for being my reasons times 3...you make me laugh 'til it hurts, cry sometimes, smile everyday...thank you for completing me
--for tarik, our first thanksgiving apart in 16yrs...wow...thank you for the wings you help to grow, thank you for always having my back and being my cheerleader, thank you for being a great father, thank you for the real love so long ago. i know we wish things were different, but know you will always be my best friend. i love you
--for "g" thank you for wanting to create life with me...just wasn't in the cards
--for "sc" thank you for the dangerously in love passion...destiny...thank you for teaching me so much about me.
--for lisa, thank you for being a praying friend and kicking me in the azz when i needed it...thank you for your realness sis and knowing it is all love
--for my neosoul family...wow...what do i say...nothing like being a souljah, sharing stages, sharing words, laughs, tears, pain, and most of all love for the passion of poetry. thank you for recreating who it is i am...
--for my extended neo family and poets met along the way, thank you for your words, your friendships, your pushing the envelope, for making me want to grow as a writer and performer...
--for sarah, thank you for keeping me laughing, the teaching moments, the craziness, for being my partner in crime, for fuzzy slippers, for letting me be w/o the makeup.
--for ebony, thank you for being the beautiful, "i don't give a damn"(but i know you do)gully babygirl that you are, thank you for you and i always being able to say "Look, dammit!" and being able to work it out. thank you for letting me see the vulnerable you which is just as beautiful.
--for brian, thank you for being my big brotha from day one, thank you for the stepping out on faith road trip, for the big heart and big smile, thank you for the strong shoulders and knowing when things just not right. love ya
--for jo, joey, josephine, ms scrumptious, thank you for letting your home be the first place my wings landed, for girl talk, for your huge huge giving heart, for being able to see the growth through the pain, for allowing me to be part of the newness (hell yes!)thank you for always making me stutter lol, thank you for creating such a beautiful poet and poem.
--for kim, thank you for being on helluva a card partner, for seeing and feeling we might be getting it right away from the table, thank you for the teaching moments, for the knowing looks lol, for creating such beautiful pictures with your words, thank you for gentle pushes and encouragement.
--for herman & june, thank you for having a spot that changed my life, that gave me huge wings, that constantly challenges me, that covers and warms me like grandmother's quilt, thank you for believing in me...never enough thank you's
--for evan, thank you for being the fellow aries who just gets me, for the late night writing sessions, for random photos on my camera, and helping me take my big girl pills, thank you for making me feel we have known one another forever...neoooooo!
--ummm for me, thank you for forgiving yourself for the past, well most of it, for growing, enjoying, living, trusting, healing, loving, believing again...love every moment girl, fly as high as you can...fall, then fly again.
--for anyone who feels they should of been named personally, but is not...i'm sorry, don't take it personally...each one and so many are woven throughout my life, some unraveled, some worn, some deeper than others, but still all connected...together a beautiful tapestry called I
so thankful for such a long list

Emerge...

Come out of the shadows and come into your own. leave behind your armor and your shells and your veils and your protection and emerge fresh and newly born. today, step from behind your screens and masks, peel away the layers upon layers of fear and emerge into a world of love and trust. emerge in your own time, in your own way, with your chosen guides at your side. see the world through the eyes of a the woman you were always destined to be. like a tiny chick cracking her way out of a darkened egg, emerge. like a radiant butterfly, like a glorious rose opening from a tightly closed bud, emerge. out of your past and into the gift that is your present, emerge. when it's time, when you're ready, emerge.
--Rachel Snyder

My Heart Is Full...

--for Creator & She...amazing what joy you bless me with
--for my kids and the constant unconditional love
--for the women in my life, each a reflection, each a special beauty, each teaching moments, each phenomenal, no matter--what the common bond is there...
--for intense card games with the lovely ladies in green...we held it down though
--for helluva good time just hanging out with the ladies
--for strong hugs of i'm sorry and its okay all wrapped into one
--for you holding it together when she was "sandbagging" just walk away lol
--for me, b, ka, and the everready bunny, shaking our groove thang
--for the tree house and all its healing power
--for watching my lovely daughter on stage during her dance recital...i cried the whole time
--for nice dates with you, too cute how you try to impress me so much
--for the trust game walking down congress...dang i got issues lol
--for kind words...you know they really do go a long way
--for you making it to the top 10...you go girl!
--for you asking her about me, though she wouldn't give you the satisfaction...haha...don't you love the ones who got ya back lol
--for shoulder kisses
--for babygirl being able to exhale...i'm sooooo smiling
--for him calling me just elated...no more doughnuts lol...creme brulee only lol!
--for knowing somewhere out there...that special kind of love is out there for just for me...what is meant to be will be...no need to worry
--for the pen writing what i don't understand...but i am ok with that...there is a reason
--for you letting me vent, you get me so well king

i wished for you upon a comet's tail
wished 3 times on golden stars
blew gently...
only to realize you were an angel
falling from heaven
or were you
falling from grace?
still so beautiful
saw you race across the sky
dance on saturn's rings
and sit within the imagination of pluto
the fire of the sun
dried your tears
and colored the tips of your tresses
i watched you...
braid ribbons of venus into your hair
wrap jupiter's moons in your lashes
and colored your lips with the red clay of mars
draped the milky way across your shoulders
to keep you warm
because the closer to earth you fell
the colder it became...
my love for you would never be enough
to save you
for the unrighteous want a taste of your purity
your sweetness
your angelic state of mind
they taste you in nibbles
swallow in gulps
until the original blueprint no longer exists
regurgitating your worth as nothing
want to rest in the back of your throat
to feel the rhythm of your speech
though the words you speak mean nothing to them
so they silence your voice with their pretense
still wanting your mouth
still wanting your temple degraded
kingdom thighs thrown open
womb heavy
carrying no nations
though false deities stake claim often
leaving behind diseased semen
to water the flowers
no longer bearing evolutionary seeds
thorns pierce from the inside
internal bleeding kills slowly
and Great Mother is weeping
for her child...
your thick thighs, hips, and full lips
were never meant for these images
nor for amusement and entertainment
this place is not for you
no matter the promises unkept
but be careful, the kingless children are watching
peeping through fool's gold
draped around their necks like nooses
waiting for you to value you
so i tip toe across heaven
plucking feathers from the backs of sleeping angels
dipping quills in a poet's ink
and writing prayers of redemption
along the backside of each
binding them with the lost ribbons of Venus
that once adorned your hair
wings may feel strange
may not fit like they use to
but they will help you fly with worth
and return you to your rightful place
and i pray the lost kings will follow...

(work in progress...feedback appreciated)

Embrace...

Open your arms wide enough to hold close everything that you hold dear. open your heart and wrap it around thirteen other hearts. now stretch it a bit further and embrace thirteen thousand hearts. take in a new idea, a new way of looking at things, and try it on for size. embrace it. give your honey a squeeze. ask for one in return. ask for lots. sink into every one. hug from your shoulders to your hearts to your bellies to your pelvises and down to your toes. feel the life force in yourself, in others, when you embrace. hug someone who never expected it--yet who needs it all the more. embrace the totality of who you are. hug your wounds, your tender spots. embrace those parts of yourself you thought you could never, ever touch. drink them all in with your deepest, most gentle embrace.
--rachel snyder

before you go
leave your sweet poison on my lips
taste life and death
taste them and me
which is sweeter love?
you bit a long time ago
i took the bait though
wounds still fresh
still call your name
seeking your knife
to cut deeper
its how i feel
and i remember well

Drop...

Drop the act already! drop your armor and be vulnerable. just drop it to the floor. once in a while, drop your defenses and yield. drop your shoulders and drop your jaw so your energy can drop down into your belly where it belongs. drop your pretenses and be real. drop your masks and shrouds and veils and whatever else you've been holding up in front of you for so long. drop anything and everything that gets between you and your truth. that gets between you and other human beings. when others just don't get it, drop a few hints. drop a bombshell. when you're ready to drop from exhaustion, drop to your knees and ask for help. you never know what--or who--might drop from the sky.
--rachel snyder

Dig...

Dig in the earth and feel the moist soil teeming with life. dig in the sand and discover where the glowing warmth meets the cool dampness. dig deep for answers: push past layer upon layer and dig down until you strike the gold of your own truth. dig a hole and bury your tears. dig a grave and bury the robin you found at the side of the road. dig a hole just deep enough to plant the seeds you want to flower and blossom in your life, but not so deep you fall into it time and time again. dig for treasure wherever and however it's buried. when you feel you've exhausted all your strength and all your courage and all your compassion, dig deep and discover how much further you can dig.
--Rachel Snyder

Die...

sometimes, part of you must die so that other parts can live. let the controller part of you die, and you'll be able to trust and receive more. when the overbearing part of you dies, a softer, more compassionate you will thrive. let the natural cycle of life, death, and rebirth be your guide. when your overarching need to do, to achieve, to produce is allowed to die, only then will you be able simply to be. when you are ready to let go of an old pattern that no longer serves you, it is a good day to let it die. honor the passing of any part of yourself, for it has helped shape who you are becoming. acknowledge your loss, mourn the dying, and turn to embrace the birth of a new and healthier you.
--rachel snyder

Fantastic Fridays...

--for the one who continuously blesses me, there are never enough thank you's to say, but i am always grateful
--for a great poetic weekend with the neo fam...exposing folks to the new
--for getting my wheels back...YES
--for seeing kami's eyes light up when he sees his mom and dad in the stands
--for tarik not having a cracked ankle, just really bad sprang.
--for seeing my mom, its been too long
--for knowing and feeling that He was with me on the mic last night
--for my babygirl...for my babygirl...for my babygirl...we are in a real good place right now
--for the night she and my brother decide to come out to neo...everything for a reason
--for the women of neo doing it and doing it, and doing it WELL
--for you sending me pix that cracked me up, and the kind words that followed
--for herm and june, fellow poets and the audience...my heart is full
--for you getting on the mic again, yeah that was needed babygirl...don't forget to txt me lol
--for days the world is weighing heavy and things just ain't right, i can still find a lil good in it...its important to my sanity
--for new words, some not quite ready to be spoken, but want to be written

Depend...

depend on others to make good on their promises. depend on yourself to do the same. depend on her to honor your agreement. depend on him to tell the truth. depend on yourself to learn the difference between codependency and interdependency. be very clear about who you can depend on and who you can't. don't depend on somebody else to clean up your messes. create boundaries you can depend on, even when the winds are blowing. entrust your most valuable ideas, hopes, secrets, and dreams to people you can depend on. take a long, hard look at whom you're depending on these days-and for what. take a person's hand in yours, look straight into their eyes, and say I'm depending on you. in the end, be prepared to depend on yourself if those around you prove undependable.
-rachel snyder

Da Weekend...

....was rejuvinating indeed. Drove down to san antonio saturday night for "The Recipe"...a lil shin dig vocab, glo, and savant entertainment put together. great night of poetry, music, and laughs....best part, i have 2...first, riding down there with all my brothers...second, being able to feature with my neo family....felt good again.
by the way kevin sandbloom is a nut!! i really like how more and more he reveals himself when around us...he is a comedian!
Then sunday headed out to giddings for another show @ Tony's house. we made a quick stop @ an old friend's resting place. love you tweety.
the place was packed, and the poets showed out. tony's chest was stuck out lol. i would say 98% of the folks there had NEVER been exposed to spoken word...so it was a treat two-fold. all the different styles present, no ego's, no competetion, no whatever...just sharing of selves, a plush red carpet, and words...good words. the impromptu haiku death match was too funny! but once again, we came together, rode together, laughed together...ALL of us felt damn good together.
much needed...my spirit is full.

Deepen...

go deeper. deepen your capacity to love by loving more people more deeply. deepen your understanding of your own psyche by reading about the goddesses Diana, Hestia, Aprodite, Sophia. deepen your knowledge of everything. rely on every tool available to you. deepen your ties to other women. understand them more deeply, treasure thier friendships more deeply. know them in a deeper way. deepen every relationship you have. go to new levels of caring, of honesty. deepen your willingness to risk. when you sink into the depths, go deeper into your own darkness and embrace it more deeply. dive deeper into your own consciousness so you can mine the most precious jewels that lie deep within. deepen your inner wisdom as you age, and your outer beauty deepens, too.
--rachel snyder

Fantastic fridays...

--for Creator & She, their grace and blessings
--for better days thru the darkness...that its temporary
--for a great slam last night, enjoyed just watching it all unfold..and seeing 13 represent!!
--for a great feature, and finding out we have the EXACT same birthday...but im older of course
--for the Killeen crew...love 'em
--for retrieving buried treasure from the trash
--for the fabulous women in my life, and the new ones coming in
--for this skin i'm in...fits me well
--for girl talk across tables
--for 3 different dates in the coming week...wow...ok!
--for unexpected surprises
--for knowing you are ok, at least on that road...good to know
--for the excitement and pleasure of a lil shopping spree
--for featuring with my extended family in SA...always good
--for gut laughter until the tears come
--for being a lil help to get the writing juices flowing...you always help me too
--for my dad getting a part in a commercial...he was so excited
--for new creativity and new passions
--for forgiveness
--for introspection and growth
--for you and your new lady, hate i missed the proposal..but ecstatic for you and your happiness
--for new possibilities

Ya'll remember this one lol....happy halloween!

Get more at spaceboos.com

Dare...

Dare to make waves.
dare to ask why?
when no one else will. dare yourself to walk into that restaurant alone. dare to introduce yourself. dare to be the oldest woman in the class. dare to be the youngest. dare to be happier than you ever thought possible. dare to be different. be really different! dare to be as flamboyant, as brilliant, as sexy, as funny, as terrific as you really are. dare to push your own envelope. dare to push theirs. dare to be first. dare to suggest it's time for a change, then dare to lead the way. dare to be vulnerable, dare to be real. dare to proclaim This is who I am, and dare anyone to believe otherwise. dare to claim your own power and to stand firmly rooted in your own truth. go ahead, I dare you.
--rachel snyder's 365 words of Well-Being for Women

Cry...

cry out when what you feel is too strong to hold in. cry for help when you need it. cry with your voice, your tears, with your actions. cry because you want to, because it waters your soul and cleans out your dry and dusty places. cry for the loss of old ways. cry for every woman who was too tired to live and too scared to die. cry for the children. cry every time an old-growth forest on earth is destroyed, never to return. cry at what we've become and who we are becoming. cry because you know we can do better. cry out in frustration, in pain, in unbridled and relentless anguish. cry the tears of all women, and know that you're crying your own tears, too.
--rachel snyder

i have nothing left
to give you
but this thinning skin
somewhere
between tattoos and scars
find a place for your words
my ears and my heart are full
overloaded with vunerability
and the ghosts of childhood
ghosts of him
3 times over
sage is not enough
so i weave prayers into crosses
strewn across my doorway
yet i forgot to close the door
and i'm on the wrong side
looking in
looking out
go ahead
write anyway
tell a story
a novel
an epic
a joke
tell it
tell it well
i was never a blank canvas anyway...

Conceive...

give life to something-anything-until it's ready to be born. an idea, a dream, a baby, a book, a sculpture, a business. be pregnant with something-anything-of your own creation. hold it inside and feed it and love it and grow it until you're ready to share it with the world. nourish it with your own breath and the warmth of your own body and the beating of your own heart. conceive alone or with others or with the universe or with angels or with your computer. carry your conception in a safe place for as long as it takes. a month or nine, a year or two or seven. when it feels like you can't carry it another day, wait a day and then release it. let it come out in its own time, in its own way. be prepared to feel the pain. be prepared to feel the joy. be prepared never to feel the same again.
-Rachel Snyder

Claim...

claim your rightful place, the place that has carried your name for all time. claim your right to be honored as the earthly goddess you are. claim your right to be loved for yourself alone, without strings and with a deep richness of soul. when you are questioned, claim the truth. claim your innocence. claim that which is rightfully yours and no one else's. claim your own song. claim your true path and make it yours. claim you didn't know, if you didn't. claim you were momentarily unaware, if you were. claim your seat at the table, your place in the circle, your position at the dance. claim your freedom. claim your power, take it into your hands and up through your feet, and let it mingle with the awesome power of the Earth Herself.
--Rachel Snyder

Choose...

every moment of every day, choose. choose to do the right thing, the tough thing-not the familiar, easy thing. choose the way of the warrior or the way of the coward. make your choice out of love instead of fear. choose from the heart. choose to live fully, not to sleepwalk through your life. choose to respond wih the way you really feel, not the way you're supposed to feel. choose the mineral water over the soda; choose the walk in the park over the ride to the mall. choose simplicity over extravagance. choose conversation over the television. choose to talk things out rather than stew in your anger overnight. choose compassion and generosity. choose to smile instead of frown. make your own choices in your own time and choose to stick with them.
--Rachel Snyder

Finding Smiles Within

--for Creator & She protecting me and mine from the seen and unseen
--for court going well in my favor
--for patience with self and others
--for the experience of hosting one helluva hot night
--for how in sync we are together
--for strength even when i don't think i have an ounce left..its there
--for forgiveness and its freedom it can bring
--for wanting a better me, and doing a better me
--for cool cool nights...always brings a smile to my face
--for Kameron almost intercepting the football and his great tackles...and looking up into the stands making sure we saw...yes baby we did
--for my brotha calling me about his fishing trip..he was so excited
--for the new poems coming from within and from others
--for laughing with a beautiful diva
--for being able to hang out with my bead girl this weekend
--for letting you go...knowing i deserve better...still taking my big girl pills(lol)
--for knowing allll the trouble we would get into if you were closer...but it would be so much fun
--for the eye candy you send me often...thank you (whew)
--for knowing maybe i'm not ready...but willing
--for the new love the angel wears so well
--for new possibilites in an old flame...i am ecstatic for you...stop panicking lol
--for prayers

--image "Beyond Midnight" by selladohr

i don't always want to wear this crown
or be what it is i have deemed myself to be
reigning over self often causes mutiny
standing ground with my own back
hazy clouds deny reflection
my gaze is foggy through the pane
squeezed lids provide tunnel vision
but a better focus

pressed palms against life to leave imprints
careful not to increase cracks left by thrown stones
still i push the envelope
leaving drops of blood to seal the deal
enemies have acquired the sweet taste
they thirst often
i keep extra in the fridge for needed transfusions

i am not a martyr
nor a victim
cancelled roles bid for reruns
nostalgia tv
turn the channel

somedays i don't want to wear this crown
so i let it slip onto fingertips
diamonds cutting flesh
flesh cutting diamonds
skin has toughened

press face closer to the pane
feeling dampness of kisses needed
blow out life
secret messages revealed
left behind eternity ago
for days like these...

Change...

if there's something about your life you don't like, change it. make a big change or a small one. change into someone entirely new. change the color of your hair. strip yourself of old, tired patterns and change into a woman who's creating her own beliefs about herself and her world. change the channel (you know what i mean). change the way you've arranged those pictures on the shelf. change the route you take to work. change your morning routine and come downstairs before you get dressed. change newspapers. change radio stations. be brave enough to change your views on choice, on immigration, on capital punishment, on gun control.start making changes from the inside out, and when those around you cry "change back!"....refuse to change your tune!
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well Being

Carry....

Carry yourself with queenly grace. carry the memory of an unforgettable moment. carry a bag of food to someone who needs it. carry a child as much as you can, as close as you can. carry a sign in a picket line to show you support the women whose jobs are on that line. carry on a conversation only as long as you want; then end it. offer to carry a sack for a woman who's carrying her unborn child. carry a song in your heart. stop carrying forty-seven suitcases of emotional baggage. carry things to their natural conclusion. allow someone else-another woman perhaps-to carry you over an emotional threshold. carry a bouquet of flowers into the kitchen on tuesday. or on every tuesday. carry the light of your own soul and let it shine, shine, shine.

Care...

care for yourself as much as you care for others. if you care enough to do something about another's pain and suffering, care enough to do something about your own. care whether she's had a rotten day, and care enough to tell her so. care enough to speak up when someone fouls your planet. care about the old, the young, the sick, and insist that your elected officials care, too. care lovingly for your belongings so they will last longer. care lovingly for your friendships so they will last a lifetime. care whether there are still wild, sacred places you can visit in silence. care whether the movie includes thirty-four murders and seven rapes, and demand that hollywood care, too. care that babies are having babies and that babies are killing babies. whenever you want to say I don't care, ask yourself If not me, then who?

Blossom...

When it's time, when you can't wait another moment, unfold your petals and display your grandeur. do it when you're twenty-eight or when you're fifty-three or when you're eighty-four. open up to the world with a glow and an attitude that says Yes, now I am really here. pick up a paintbrush, a hammer, a baseball. go to law school, learn to drive, take swimming lessons, run for office. send out announcements. throw yourself a party. because now your time has come and the world had better make room for you like never before. just like a magnificent flower, you'll go from tightly closed and protected to full and fragrant and open and unforgettable. whether you're an early bloomer or a late bloomer, one thing is sure: you will feel as though you've waited forever, only to burst forth "overnight" when you least expect it.

--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

Grateful Thursdays...

--for Creator & She...i am listening
--for believing still in magic
--for coming together as souljahs(its what a souljah is, right!) and making it happen
--for the man outside the venue with his words and his tears, thank you for making it worth while...it only takes one
--for realizing you are still very young, and have a lot to learn...but that is what life is all about
--for love
--for patience with self
--for 6 months away from my 40th..already planning the 2nd part of my life...wow 40
--for a chance to host on a very hot night...i pray i do well...and leave shelle at home lol
--for one helluva poet asking me and another to go on the road with them next year...like duh!!
--for life and all its curve balls...i got my mitt on...keep 'em coming!
--for you asking to borrow my pen, i never know what to say to you 'cause i don't know how you feel about me...forgive my silence
--for my younger brother keeping me laughing...damn i love him
--for my oldest working her ass off at the new job...so proud...we are getting better...she is calming down a bit...God is good allllll the time
--for the cuddles i still get from my son, but no to the kisses in public *sigh
--for coming out of the darkness a lil bit more today...still reaching for the moon
--for you coming out when i know you don't want to lol..love you
--for loving who i was, am, and will be...and that i get to recreate myself daily
--for choices

even in silence
i am screaming
for my sanity

Never Too Late....

--for Creator & She...keeping me going and slightly sane
--for our internet back up, man don't realize how much you miss technology when w/o it
--for my kids...damn they are wonderful
--for great poetry
--for neo last thursday, crowd was incredible
--for the younging who said he wanted to make love to my words...call me in 10 yrs lol..too cute
--the power of words
--for the opportunity to host
--for the smile on my face watching you two dance ol' school thursday night...family
--for trying to calm the haters and naysayers....let them be happy dammit!
--for embarrassing moments being hilarious...slip of the tongue LOL
--for you finally being honest, now we can move on
--for hanging on to self as hard as i can
--for knowing i need to stop looking to find it
--for the coolness in the air...YES!
--for the women in my life who teach me so much, whether they know it or not
--for the calmness in me
--for the brief time you were in my life...i smile everytime i think of you
--for the beauty in simplicity

Believe...

Believe in the power of believing. say I believe and believe it. believe in fairy tales for what they can teach you about real life. believe in happy endings, and believe that they don't always happen. believe in something, anything, that gives you the courage and strength to continue on when it would be so easy to give up. believe it whan a friend says your're beautiful. believe it when you hear the words, you deserve to be happy. when someone tells you something, believe the parts that feel right, that resonate in your belly, and discard the rest. believe that you have choices and that you can choose wisely. believe your own instincts above anyone else's. believe that you can do more with your life than you're doing, and then do it. above all, believe in yourself. when something seems truly unbelievabe, it may be worth believing.
can you believe that?
--from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

Be

remember that life is in the being, not the doing. be every bit of everything that you are. be tough, be soft, be dramatic, be subdued. be a little bit of this and a little bit of that. be the one who always shows up on time or be the one who lives according to her own inner clock. be the one who never forgets a detail or be the one who never remembers. be happy when you feel like it and be sad when you're down. be who you are--not who they told you you should be. be able to cry in front of someone you hardly know, if it's time to cry, be willing to be real. be talkative if you are; be quiet if you're not. be ready to drop your masks and your protective armour and be genuine. be in the moment, be in the light. and just when they think they know exactly who you are, be prepared to be something altogether different.

--from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Syder

Always Thankful...

--for my girls...my babies...mine
--for Creator & She and the whispers of Grace
--for feeling in a rut, because it means the creativity/change is coming real soon
--for new women friends
--for fantastic eye/mind opening conversation with again, fabulous women
--for hanging out with you for a moment, eventhough no one showed up...we still had a few laughs big brotha
--for you wanting to do a road trip again...just the thought makes me giddy even if i won't be able to make it
--for you answering the phone "hey joy of my life"
--for you wanting to hear my voice, after finding out you lost a close friend...life is soooo short...we got to enjoy one another while we are present
--for my oldest's new beau...he is a cutie, and treats my baby like she deserves...he is a keeper
--for new word board games...drinking coffee and playing for hours
--for a brand new fence
--for safe trips home
--for wanting to be and do better
--for just remembering...and smiling
--for the power of words...use wisely and with love

Life in Death

do not cry for me
remember my life and be happy
smile when you think of me
laugh at the mere mention of my name
do not bring me flowers
bring mangoes and pomegranates instead
eat them until the juices run freely
let the seeds lay where they fall
then dance upon them
so to bring their freedom next spring
read poetry to my spirit
and to the spirits that have gathered
tell them my story
our story
don't stay too long
for my passing time is brief
wait until springtime to return
take refuge under the strong branches that have grown
adorn your hair with blooms of passion
taste the fruit of my life
and dance baby
dance...

(work in progress)

AWAKEN...

Wake up! refuse to sleepwalk through your life any longer. wake up! open your eyes and dare to see the world in a new and different way. wake up! awaken your passion for life and awaken it in those around you. awaken yourself spiritually. find somehting larger than yourself to believe in. find a way to lift yourself above the mundane. wake up! smell the coffee! take a long, hard look at all you've been missing, and decide not to miss any more. awaken your senses, your intuition, your desires. awaken the parts of yourself that have been sleeping: the lover, the trickster, the artist, the maiden, the crone. wake up, and don't go back to sleep. life is a dream, and to live it, you must be awake.

ACCEPT

recognize what you can change and what you can't. in every moment, accept that everything is as it should be. accept that your body is round and fat AND glorious. just love it. accept that you don't do things the way everyone else does. just embrace it. accept that sometimes your belly hurts, sometimes you don't have enough money to pay the light bill, sometimes life is too hard. just cry and move through it. accept that you can't do it all--and who would want to, anyway? accept a kind word. don't apologize. accept a gift--no matter how big, how small. say Thank you without embarrassment. accept that life isn't always fair and find the wonder in that, too. don't accept things that aren't yours, like misdirected shame and blame. like credit for someone else's accomplishment. like disrespect. accept everything you are and nothing you are not.

-from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

IMAGINE...

imagine things being different. imagine a little less struggle and a lot more joy. imagine yourself living every moment out of love instead of fear. imagine making space each and every day just for you. imagine peace breaking out all over the world. imagine loving your body just the way it is. imagine everyone loving it. imagine working at something that fills your heart and nourishes your soul and challenges your mind and covers rent and food, too! iamgine that everything you need can be provided. now imagine that it is. imagine none of your friends dying of breast cancer. imagine there is a Heaven, and it's right here on Earth. imagine feeling rested and serene and safe and loved each and every day.

imagine that!

--from the book 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Snyder

If ever a reason to be....

-for protection seen and unseen
-for my lovely daughter's 15th year on earth...i am so enjoying watching her grow into such a beautiful young lady
-for her enjoying her day, and showing me with happy tears
-for smiles and young love
-for $200 comp'd meals @ Sullivans....tarik still gets the great hookups lol
-for the fact we can still laugh together
-for us getting past the pain
-for seeing your own growth through a very tough month...i do see you
-for both of us wanting it to be better...it will...partner (lol)
-for moonlit nights in the company of others, and laughter until it hurts
-for a very grown and sexy (right evan?) Jill Scott...crown royal on ice...whew damn!
-for healthy kids...though this season's allergies are kicking everybody's azz!!
-for truth spoken in hiphop...in poetry
-for seeing though you are a woman, you do some straight up dude mess...not grateful for that, but grateful for recognizing
-for babygirl and her much needed journey east
-for knowing i need to tie up some loose ends
-for the writing that is flowing
-for national bring a brotha to neosoul night...ask and we will see
-for a good life right now, even with the bumps, even with the off beaten paths, even with the familiar roads...but i'm moving in the right direction i think.

It is HER 15th year on this earth today!

ahhh my heart be still...seems just like yesterday we brought her home from the hospital...and she has kept me smiling ever since! so blessed

it is what it is
so leave it alone
fate has no reason to occupy this space any longer
she was lost from the beginning anyway
forced destiny doesn't make it be
just makes you a fool with good intentions
and i did
and i was

line insides with cellophane wrappings
to keep it unspoiled
though shelf life is 16yrs and a day past expiration
and its getting funky up in here

open up a window
tear down a door
cut a hole in the foundation
should be easy
wood rot is evident
from years of unseen tears
falling into cracks unnoticed
and untreated

catch a glass or two
through the floorboards
keep it on the nightstand
when thirsty for bitterness
or at least a reminder
of why those wings
hanging from the closet door
will fit real nicely soon

but you got to grow into them girl
the right way

Thankful Thursdays

--for Creator & She...my rock
--for witnessing the insanity of rock baby, laughing until it hurts, and neosoul titties lol
--for taking my big girl pills lol
--for 40th bdays
--for being unselfish, wonder if you were testing me, huh?
--for cool parties, and some craziness...good laughs though
--for making the first move, i'm learning i'm learning
--for the peanut gallery...too funny...hey i tried, and again i'm learning
--for new beginnings rising from the old ashes
--for walking the halls of tay's school open house night, brought back memories of my own HS days
--for you looking really nice in your new shirt and new shoes, please keep it up
--for a hella card partner
--for me letting go and treating it as it is...a good time
--for great middle school football games...goooooooo kami!
--for nods of acknowledgement....goes a long way coming from you
--for new nailpolish
--for metaforphosis...yes it is suppose to be spelled that way LOL
--for laughing until we couldn't breathe
--for SANDBLOOM TONIGHT OMG!
--for knowing you want to be there for her, but wish you would see your own worth past this lifetime
--for jamming like we had lost our minds last night, but dang that mess was tight!
--for the beautiful women in my life, we come in all levels and degrees lol, yet each of you have taught me sooooo much about forgiveness, love, life, and myself.
--for the possibilites of me....endless, and quietly listening for direction...
--for this life i am in....
--for the words that allow me to birth them...forever grateful

Sho Right!

Communion

rainbows are not necessary
as long as i can capture the moon
place it on this tongue
to taste rhythm
and ease these blues

don't swallow
allow communion to melt slowly
with purpose
with healing
let tides wash through veins
and waves splash against chamber walls
cleanse whatever has adhered itself

purging goes deeper than what fingers can ever find
therefore find me
in the deepest regions of self
behind mardi gras masks
and plastic trinkets
in between tattered boxes
and broken glass carousels
she is there waiting

the lil' girl with wild flowers
braided into her hair
bandages on unkissed knees
purple paint on her cheeks
because Grandmother said,
purple was the color of royalty

who once found her throne
in tops of trees
and butterflies mistook her
for nectar
played games with those unseen
played until the seen said...
you are different
their is no place for you here

ashamed was the new color
painted in streaks across her cheeks
the wildness began to leave her
hard to be yourself
when the ground was taught to be safer than the wind
and butterflies were meant for jars

she is there though
amidst the forgotten
knees pulled close under bruised chin
hit repeatedly on the way down from the treetops
silver locket of giggles
hangs broken around her neck
torn dreams in clenched fists
and moonstones under her nail beds
she was just that close to the sky

take her hand
hug me tight
release purple tears
to stain colorless cheeks
absorb into self
feel the wildness grow tendrils
creeping through cracked foundations
laugh at the unseen's jokes
let butterflies kiss fingertips
and carry back to the moon...
for this communion
is much sweeter than any fleeting rainbows

Da Weekend's Randomness

-wow...you are 40 today! Baby, i know now is not how you want it to be, or ever expected, or at least wanted to admit to...i may not be your lady any longer, but know love is always present. our paths are changing, winding different directions, but i will never stray too far away to at least wave a friendly hello. 16 1/2 years, saying you & i have history is an understatement...so let it be written, for it will never be done.

-i still love the Red Hot Chili Peppers...and wonder if you do to, and remember the time we danced together in the mud at LaLapalooza like we had lost our damn mind? i tried looking for you recently, but some things are best left unfound.

-WTF is this SHYT on the radio lately, which station? pick one, it doesn't matter...its crap! but we grooving to it right!

-you thought i would come home with you...and couldn't understand why not...perhaps that was another lady you met...'cause she ain't here no mo...fo sho

-hate on me...'cause i am NOT going anywhere

-we are hellafied sitting across the table from one another...crazy esp, telepathy type shyt!! LOL we came to play dammit!

-YES it is a hate crime, but understand that hate crimes carry lesser sentences...not right, but it is what it is...they want to make sure these poor white trash mofos get the max, nothing less.

-It was your party girl, your rules...but damn you are off the chain!!

-slowly but surely the clothes kept in the back are coming back (big smile)

-you want want want, take take take, but don't give give give

-i don't care if i got it all together, po po still make me break out in a sweat when i see them. make my ass quiver!

-old school prince...OMG...i dare you to stay still

-you walked in
i held my breath
and watched
and waited
"is anyone sitting here?"
i exhaled "no"
and watched...
and waited...
sat gently
crossed legs
crossed hands
stylish
flower skirt
creamy skin
full hips
silver ring
long neck
want to kiss
lakeview eyes
pink lips
school girl
upswept locs
entangle me
small talk
sweet smile
shy
a writer
a poet
conversation over
too soon
kicking self
not "seen" sooner
another time fair lady

-why are animals valued more than our human counterparts....what about the children starving? the women disappearing in south america? the genocide? the war? the women dying at the hands of "loved ones"...the...the...the...you get the point i'm sure.

-why do i have a hundred things to do to prepare for the week, but sitting here blogging?

peace out ya'll....continued blessings

Ya think?

Thankful Thursdays...

--for Creator and She, and all the continued blessings
--for writing labs, this one a bit odd lol, but good poetic words shared anyway
--for slapping hands, next time ya'll going to time out i swear LOL
--for positive energy
--for missing you
--for being okay with choices...and moving on
--for him just wanting to be near you...hope you noticed
--for the women in my life, including self, going through some thangs...but we are going to be alright...and better for it!!
--for truths, no matter the reaction, needed to be said
--for next lifetimes...and the beauty in this one
--for my lil theo just wanting a hug
--for getting some of my space cleared out in the garage for more creativity...one step closer
--for cooler nights...YES!
--for softer shoes, and smoother pebbles...
--for words still coming...for words still whispering...for words still haunting
--for you trusting me...and me learning to trust again...slowly
--for you playing matchmaker...too cute
--for email pix right on time lol
--for this skin im in

Silence

winds stir just beyond her lips
waiting for her to speak
but she is silent in this moment
listening for answers
listening for self

yearns for winter to come soon
to keep her warm
needing to breathe brittle mornings
exhaling to see if still alive

her eyes move cautiously
watching peripheral hauntings
vision remains clouded
lids too heavy to blink

breezes flirt with her hair
playing with kept secrets
causing the bend in her lips
to slightly curl upwards

scolds the winds with a single finger
they quickly return them
tucked neatly away for another day
this is not their time
but she is their place

her guardian bends slightly
joined by four others
because ten would be suffocating
wraps maternal understanding across chest
to land gracefully on her shoulder

left guardian waits its turn patiently
balled fist ready
fighting is necessary these days

but she's tired

the winds dare not move beyond her lips
they too wait, for her to speak
they too wait, for the answers

and so do I...

affairs of the heart

are you taking,
are you giving,
or
are you giving mine back?
any decision
any action
right now
would be a relief.

am i offering,
or am i relenquishing?
any decision
any action
right now
either way it will be painful.

Everyday...

--for Creator & She
--for yummy BBQ, and i did that in the pouring rain...so i didn't check the forecast lol...but i was determined!
--for long weekends
--for cooler nights and dark starlit skies
--for sippin' on wine, with lit torches, under a night sky, writing poetry...niiice one...it can be very romantic solo (sometimes)
--for finally receiving Nats '06 in the mail...and funny memories
--for changed hearts and changed minds
--for trying to hook you up, but the look on your face said otherwise
--for it not bothering me to see you with someone else, at least until i see you with someone else that is...but i want you to be happy baby
--for the beautiful growth in my children
--for jessica getting a new job...small miracles
--for him wanting to call me mom...too cute
--for long distant calls from an old friend...i can't wait to see you again
--for clouds staying at bay
--for smiles...real ones
--for morning kisses and have a good day mom
--for evan allowing me the honor to read one of his pieces tonight...dang im nervous about it too lol
--for words coming fast and furiously...thank you
--for being able to agree to disagree, but still opening up the mind and seeing it all...you do change my views sometimes sunshine
--for still believing the right kind of love is out there for me...i gotta believe it
--for family and great friends
--for silly animals in my house keeping me laughing
--for 14pounds gone and counting..yep yep

Mother's Day

the sun would not shine on her porch this day
darkness stood instead
uniformed bleakness
one labeled with salvation
how ironic,
he would not be saving her from anything
black death at her door
special delivery from across the seas

if i don't open the door and let them in
then their words do not exist,
and this nightmare will go away

a forced intimacy these 2 knew too well
daily dance with different partners
none never willing
yet their dance card remains full

the sun still refused to shine in 6ft deep shadows
she hugged crisp corners filled with deception in every fold
hoping to smell his sweetness again
squeezed so hard, blood seeped from its stripes
staining the ground
this cemetery of the brave
and now free

its all she had left
yet nothing she wanted...

much more to this piece...but regardless of the words, we have got to bring them home, and i don't mean in bodybags.
If you get a chance, watch the HBO special "Letters From Home"...keep your tissues near, and hug your children.

when i think of him...
the mere thought of him
causes my mouth to salivate
but the bitterness tattooed on my tongue
reminds me to spit...
he is a taste i can no longer afford

Uhhh yeah I have sooooo much to be thankful for...

--for Creator & She and all their saving Grace, indeed
--for last weeks neosoul being the old hot neosoul..it was fantastic
--for good energy
--for balance...taking the good with the bad
--for our short time together...thank you
--for a great night being w/our extended poetic family...the laughs made my face hurt, and playing catch phrase was sooooo much better as a group thang lol
--for cooking with my big brotha b...he just plays like he is helpless
--for first days of school
--for my baby's first day as a HIGHSCHOOLER...breathe lol
--for her being such a blessing to my life
--for trust
--for the arresting officer apologizing repeatedly for arresting...thats not normal, but he was sooo sweet.
--for the odd bonding experience with 4 other women in jail, that any other circumstances we would of just walked past one another.
--for knowing if i hadn't met them the jail experience would of been unbearable, thanks for the laughs
--for being oh so thankful for the lil things
--for hugs on the outside.....god i still can't believe it happened
--for sleep....lots of it
--for copa having the white bronco ready next time...i pray there won't be a next time...thanks for having my back like that bro
--for footrubs and back rubs
--for love ever present, though are paths are slightly changing now...still my best friend
--for great pix of nats posted on myspace (so go look)
--for life and all its curves and dips
--for being me...and i'm loving what i see
--for the people in my life, good, bad, and indifferent...each of ya are still a part of me, and have taught me so much about life and about myself.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUNSHINE...its the first day of a new year for ya...smile...luv ya much!

Painted Fantasy

paint me your fantasy
paint me in your favorite shade of naughty
press deep until we become one
until satisfaction is second nature
and animalistic tendencies take over
i will tame whatever yields itself
rhythmic...
tantric...
let me place my fingertips
into the edge of your mind
pull you closer
taste the essence of me on full lips
lick the corners to savor this fantasy
wrap me in colors of you
let rain melt away darkness
let thunder resonate deep within this throat
as dew drops adorn lips like soft pearls

you suck sweetly as if writing prayers along my fingertips...
i can only moan...amen

Sometimes It Feels This Way...

this is love upon my lips

Another Wonderous Day Isn't It....

--for the Creator and She...and all of their saving Grace
--for Neo coming back, and having a really good night with all the newness lol
--for you surprising me, and getting on the mic for the first time
--for David getting on the mic for the first time as well
--for folks who have nothing to do but start rumors...glad i'm doing something to keep ya so interested lol...shit is hilarious...how i love your kind
--for being there when needed and not so needed, but needed none the less
--for new passions
--for my children...damn i am so lucky and so blessed
--for star lit nights
--for my pen flowing again
--for feeling a change coming...i'm ready this time
--for yummy dinners, dominoes and a great poetic family
--for standing within my self, and enjoying what i see...
--for knowing it will get better for you sunshine
--for knowing there is a great blessing coming your way babygirl...mark my words
--for the hard stuff, and the good stuff...all teaching moments
--for loving you where you are...where we both are...
--for learning new things
--for my younger brother...he still is my babyboy, though towers over me lol
--for feeling good in this skin
--for pedicures and shiny cute toes
--for this outlet
--for tears with the beautiful memories of you...love you Grandma

My Heart Be Still...

I think i've done right by this one ya'll...
with her permission of course...

You Raised Me

You raised me
you raised me when i had the little puff balls in my hair
with the little colored bands tied around them
but now you say i'm ald enough to do my own hair
i wish i can relive those days
when i see my own 3rd, 4th, and 5th birthday happening in front of my eyes again
to me you are my Egyptian Queen
and to me you are my mother to my nature
i will be your pyramids just by showing how beautiful you are from head to toe
and i will be your butterflys and flowers you walk upon
when you kiss me
your sweet kisses sink into my sour
making me sleep through the night
without having a bad dream
but only if i dream of you holding me in your arms
singing lullabys for me
awww you raised me so well
now i stand 5'5, 113 lbs
going on to the 9th grade, man i swear you raised me so well.
you smell as if you walked through a garden
but locked it with a key
God blessed you as you became of this day
Ma you are my every into little things
you helped me become this girl i am today
and i thank you with everything i have
man you raised me well.
-written by my daughter Taylor

lol @ the man, you raised me well line...too cute
sigh

He came to me a King...

(reposting this earlier piece, someone with some SERIOUS issues posted a 3 page comment that had nothing do with...well just the inner workings of uhhhh yeah...anyway reposting...feedback please)

inscribed love letters to self
to see worth with each blink
until they fall from grace
silently caressing the air
but with heavy repercussions
upon my heart.

the words "i love you"
have a thousand different meanings
yet, its only one i want defined,
the way "i love you" escapes from his eyes,
from his lips...is secondary.

conquering land stitched in seams
unraveling since i could remember
braiding then into his now.
what was before you?

molding my body of regrets
in his forgiving hands
i was reborn
he, so patient
i, in mourning

let me bury my past
within the bend of his neck
as he whispered their eulogies
across earlobes
each word spoken
returned an angel to watch over us.

he calls me his sunshine,
i have crowned him king
a warrior who fought through time
to capture our first moment
his spear plunged deep
into the realm of our existance
claiming his land
claiming his queen

no questions asked
we were the answers spoken
on each other's lips long ago
he asks nothing of before,
but knows i am more than it will ever be.

he fights for namesakes
not thought of yet
but the stars whisper their names
into my womb
every night he enters his kingdom
praying this will be the moment
my womb whispers their names back....

(not finished of course...still rough around the edges)

My Jewel

today is bittersweet...still on high from last night and neo coming back strong...but today i am reminded how fragile life can be...it is my Grandmother Jewel's b'day.
she was sent home quite some time ago, but everyday feels like it was just yesterday...the pain and emptiness is still everpresent...though she is prolly fussing right now telling me she hasn't gone anywhere, has always been right there. i know...but...just one more day...please
to smell mother earth in her hands...they were so strong
to have them fixing my hair again
to have her drag me to church kicking and screaming, but letting me lie my head in her lap sucking on peppermints
to have her spoil her great grandbabies with "ice cream" money..even in my 20's she would send me a 20 dollar bill often calling it "ice cream" money...even today i look for those letters. maybe one got lost along the way, and i need it to find me.
to see my children grow strong under her wisdom...didn't need encyclopedias, i had her
to have her continue to teach me the ways of our ancestors...she was incredibly intuitive, used homeopathic remedies before it was "in style", and knew so much before it came to be...the women in my family have always been this way...i pray i honor them with my own.
to hear her quietness, she always chose her words carefully before speaking...i guess we all could learn from that one...she could fuss at me from across the room w/o ever opening her mouth lol...bet i straightened up quick though lol.
to draw from her amazing strength...i know now what she had always known...i come from a line of truly beautiful, gifted, strong and empowering women..just now i have learned to own this legacy...i pray i am still able to pass it on to one, for the other already has it as well.

fallen star wishes
angel wing wishes
Grandmother's sanctuary...she just wishes

i love you and miss you dearly

Nationals and Beyond....

--for the image above you wanted me to have...thank you
--for my team...love you all...we worked hard, and it showed...ma is soooo proud
--for kim making sure my babies walked away with a lil something extra...thank you...despite kami trying to get a lil extra more...he is a boy lol
--for late night fun at the hyatt...there are no words, but plenty of laughter!!
--for you and i kicking ass again at the table
--for victory laps
--for erika's crackhead punch...that is my name for it from now on...whew!!
--for seeing old buddies and making new ones
--for being moved to tears by words
--for rebirth in words
--for you just showing up...not expected, but very sweet...make sure its not stalkish though lol
--for strength in the face of adversity
--for seeing you in true form...and i continue to pray
--for shannon on the final stage...wow!
--for ktown representing!! keep that texas legacy going fam
--for the words fighting to be released from my pen and my mouth...give me freedom!
--for meeting joshua at denny's and putting it all into perspective...there will never be enough thank you's my brother
--for all the hardwork done by the volunteers this year
--for my words meaning something to just one...that is all that matters
--for virgo's and all their complexities...there are plenty of you mofo's in my life
--for you, me, bathroom door, and poetry
--for standing in the presence of God...for an entire week
--for home returning...and for returning home
--for thursday nights
--for wanting more, but it is not our time
--for being in such a good place right now in my life...so freeing
--for 10 lbs gone..hahaha
--for being able to be there for you...when you least expected it...love you
--for love, for family, for life

IT IS HERE....!!

I am trying to feel like this right now, but actually....


...i feel like this....


annnnnd i also feel like this....

Because Life is not perfect....therefore its beautiful!
(line from "I Am Poetry")
and everyday is a reason to say THANKYOU!

ahhh its Wednesday...

--for all that THEY bless, sustain, and protect
--for one of the most amazing weeks of poetry coming upon us...its here!
--for small circles within larger ones...moons, planets, and suns...we need it all
--for fun parties, and great dancing partners
--for the versatility of my hair, and liz wanting to conquer it lol...i think ya did
--for long conversations while receiving footrubs...niiiice
--for stimulation of the mind...
--for trading poetry lines with my big brotha b
--for the incredibly silly women on my team...damn i love ya
--for the princess of the team shining...its your turn babygirl
--for reasons not known...but knowing, now is not the time
--for giggles and laughs while at victoria secrets
--for women...no matter what, it does come down to self respect and respect of others
who may not look like you, but we are the same...fighting, loving, laughing, crying, hurting, praying, dancing, living, struggling, being...the bond is always there
--for life and healing...im in such a good place right now...still so far to go
--for getting to see some of neo's extended family next week
--for NeoSoul getting a new lease on life again in the same place it started...wow
--for my babies...nuff said...nuff said...nuff said
--for full moon nights...something spiritual about it
--for the power of words
--for love and all its stages
--for some of the extra coming off slowly, but surely
--for cutting out pork, and red meat...baby steps baby steps
--for the way your whispers feel on my neck
--for long lists

See what ya started Sunshine LOL

Your Kiss is Black

Your kisses are amazing. You put a lot of effort into your kissing technique. You are a perfectionist, and you never leave any kissing detail to chance. When you're kissing, you like to be in charge. You don't enjoy someone else taking the lead. You know you're the best kisser. In fact, you're often disappointed by how other people kiss. Kissing Type: Thoughtful People See Your Kisses as: Amazingly unreal You Kiss Best With: A Pink Kisser Stay away from: A Green Kisser

What Color Is Your Kiss?

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways. And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery... Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever. You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

ummm ok...i think i will try that!

You Are 76% Intuitive

You are a very intuitive person. And luckily, your intuition is normally right. You're wise enough to know that relying on intuition alone can be dangerous. When your intuition seems really off, you tend to ignore it - and look at the facts instead.

How Intuitive Are You?

fo sho!!

You Need Some Purple in Your Life

Purple will make you feel ambitious, independent, and creative. And with a little purple, you will project an aura of individuality. If you want more extravagance, you've got to get a little purple in your life! For extra punch: Combine purple with green or orange The downside of purple: It can evoke sad feelings The consequences of more purple in your life: You will feel an increase in your artistic abilities You will find balance in the most chaotic parts of your life You will feel calm and will be hard to disturb

What Color Do You Need?

You Are A Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Girl

Creative. Expressive. Unique.

What Flavor Ice Cream Girl Are You?

mmmmm yummy!

You Are Gay

In your opinion, there's nothing sexier than your own sex. There's definitely nothing straight about you!

What's Your Sexual Orientation?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...hahahahahaha

Your Passion is Red!

You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination. You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks! With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new. You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red!

What Type of Passionate Woman Are You?

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

ohhhh i like...like it alot

Your Personality Is Like Marijuana

You're laid back and easy going, so much so that taking a shower is often too much trouble for you! Nevertheless, you're quite popular, and many people enjoy your company. You're rarely turned down. You're prone to giggle fits, paranoia, and forgetting where you are exactly.

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

hahahaha uh ya think????