Introducing Butterfly Muzigns

Tah Dah!! my new jewelry blog!! It is a good start in the right direction, i think. Please go look, and look often, as new designs will be posted frequently(subscribe)...the creating bug has hit me once again and hard...perhaps due to the time of year and its cold again in Texas lol. my favorite time of year in fact.
This is just one of my passions, and i am so blessed to be able...nothing after able, just blessed to be ABLE ya know.
The name you ask? lol....butterfly...i have always associated myself with this symbolic entity, ever changing, ever growing, freedom, metamorphosis, and grace...also a poetic name given to me when i first started reading on the mic @ Neosoul. I always feel butterflies are female, though i know better, but they just feel female.
Muzigns....originally musings....but like the play on word with muzigns, which is combination of musings and designs...muzigns, there ya go.
so go on...check it out....www.bmuzigns.blogspot.com

Now...

--for the Creator of this Universe, and all that is good in the world
--for our first Game Night Party in our home, oh i was nervous...but it went great
--for more par ties coming with different themes (heehee)
--for our ever growing circle of friends being cultivated
--for such a wonderful, diverse group of ladies i really enjoy...we all are so unique
--for the heart of our home being happy...its good energy here
--for trying daily to get to that place...like the picture above
--for epiphanies and growth, no matter how painful
--for reconnections and disconnections
--for the women in my life, including myself, who are going through whatever, but still are developing for the better and shining...we are stronger far beyond reason
--for the courage and exploring spirit of my brother...so proud of him
--for the way we are blue and mauve...nuff said
--for the way she buries her head into my neck, as she wraps her arms strong around me.
--for this enlightening, healing, beautiful, spiritual, joy-filled world we are creating everyday...always bumps in the road, but yeah we got this on lock lol
--for one step closer
--for my AWESOME children!!! (i can't say that enough)
--for this life i choose to show up for everyday...lol i got the pictures to prove it!!

Another Day...

--for breath in my lungs, beat in my heart, Grace by my side
--for early morning prayers, and window side meditations
--for this home we are creating daily
--for falling in love with "us"
--for neosoul and the love and family that is still abound, no matter how old no matter how new...love is there
--for impromptu gatherings in the house that love and poetry built
--for growth and change
--for introspection...never easy, but necessary daily
--for my son still wanting to rest his head on momma's shoulder...i will never get tired of that feeling
--for sometimes being too much between us, but in an oh so good way
--for your beautiful soul and spirit, and our first housewarming gifts...so thoughtful
--for finally narrowing "our day" to march or april...whew
--for flowers just because of who i am as a woman...wow
--for it really being this damn good, though i know naysayers say it can't possibly be...lol well it is
--for strength in self
--for hanging out with one helluva woman on her bday, and us getting down on the dance floor
--for playing pool with such a sweet old man
--for hugs from my daddy...he missed me
--for this life i have been granted....all praises to the Most High within

Love Is...

in my world, she is the only perfection i know
besides this mother's pride thrice
stands tall and steadfast,
like her words
though it is her thoughts which reach me first
comforting
rocking my wounds to sleep
as she kisses each one to dream of healing
i am no longer afraid of mirrors
quick glances to avoid cracked reflections
or ghosts of past in peripherals
she challenges me to pull my hair back
face full forward, and smile
invite them all
of me
to this table
of me
let each of me speak
cry
yell
split into a million pieces if need be
its okay now
for she and i are hallowed ground
for when they have been heard
they
me
will heal
for they
are all of me
and i can't love myself
until i love myself all
why deny the ugly
which also makes me all the more beautiful?

Things I Have Learned Lately...

--i am really ok

--that once again my filter is gone to crap...just don't have time for folks and their insecurities, fakeness, stupidity, lack of warmth...you get the point

--that my voice is stronger because of this (above). i recently voiced something to my father that had been a painful area in my life since i was in high school, although i did not get much acknowledgement or an apology from him...the look in his eyes and me releasing this...well...was quite enough...whew

--that i can be friends with opposing sides without taking sides...and others well i smile and stay in my corner...though that one took a lil longer, 'cause someone i love deeply was/is involved...hey we all got our stuff...no more judgements here

--relationships, no matter how good, tend to ebb and flow...doesn't mean anything is wrong (though sometimes there can be issues), or the love is less or not present...just means that particular day is doing its own thing...no worries

--i like being alone sometimes, and doing my own thing

--being a mother, no matter the kids age, is still tough, heartbreaking, and misguided at times...but oh so rewarding and worth it, every bit of it.

--i am not your average mother, and my kids LOVE me for this...they told me lol

--this is the first time in ANY of my love relationships, i haven't had to worry about the "other" coming in...nor the lies that follow...do you know how friggin' freeing that is? i can love without worries again...thank you baby

--i still am haunted by you...but i am stronger now, fleeting thoughts

--i really don't like when folks cross me...and i am a bit warped lol...snicker but i like it

New Year Now...

--for the Creator, She, and Grace...where would i be without any of you
--for this life, and how i help create it
--for this woman of mine...wow...you are friggin' amazing
--for the words of me'shelle and the floacist...the voice, the words, the rhythm
--for the Kitchen Goddess within...makes tummies happy
--for my girl turning 40, welcome...life will be sweeter
--for this home we are transforming...love spoken here...saged blessings
--for my pen moving again...for my strong muse
--for cooler weather kissing these cheeks
--for my kids laughter filling their new home...they are a magnificent bunch
--for letting go and hanging on
--for thelma and louise...be careful not to cross lol
--for powerful energies...good and bad, and to know/feel the difference
--for true love residing in our hearts, oh how we have waited...this story has been written a long time ago...thank you for being my co-writer
--for early morning being still within my window
--for great coffee pots
--for knowing i am safe on solid ground
--for every morning i wake up, the first thing i see is you...first words i say are "thank you"
--for tay's 17th b'day...no no no...sigh...she is a great kid, even if mom can't handle the reality...tear
--for old photos and good memories in that moment...i will go with that
--for fingers in hair
--for seeing you again...even if you didn't see me
--for your days getting a bit better during these tough times
--for neosoul...feels like home again, feels new and exciting too

Catch Up Time....

yes i know its been a minute...a long minute blog world, but i am back. I apologize for my focus being elsewhere, not that i am apologizing for what my focus has been on, but the fact i have neglected this blog. Sooo, when i start getting protests for not updating...i know its time to get on it lol...love you lisa.
bare with me for a sec, as i will try to catch everyone, and myself, up on what has been going on in shelle's world...i am going to cheat a bit and make them separate posts, please see below for backtracking.
Life is beautiful...seriously...i just cannot stop smiling...and it shows.

Joy

--for the Universe which contains and blesses me
--for prayer...goes a long way
--for the most sweetest, amazing, wonderful, beautiful, electrifying, honest, blessed, honorable, crazy, intense, harmonious, i could keep going you know...love affair i have ever experienced...this lifetime
--for this lifetime. so good, had to repeat it
--for patience with self...she shows and teaches me even to do that
--for the growth and love that has deeply bloomed between me and my oldest
--for my awesome kids, each so different...all so friggin' great
--for truth, no matter how much it hurts, but its allowed me to let go and heal just a bit more
--for delete buttons..on facebook, on myspace, on computers, on cell phones, on life
--for moonlit nights, deep cool waters, and the perfect words asked...
--for the words "yes"
--for new beginnings with you on so many levels, sometimes i feel like my life has just started
--for bed talks with the kids, i will never give those up...and i pray they will not want to either
--for lanky arms that hug me everyday...a mother and her son...bond is something else
--for meeting the lil ones who are so important to her, and they wanting me to stay
--for new moves, new apartment, new car...taking care of business indeed
--for the people in my life who teach me about me, good, bad or indifferent...i learn
--for the enthusiasm and electric spirit of shella @ h.e.b. plus...she is my soulmate i swear lol
--for a lazy saturday afternoon with no agenda, but to be...just be
--for creativity raining on me
--for my love ring, wrapped so warmly around my life
--for much introspection, understanding, trusting, and loving self...whew its a lot
--for my brother soon taking one of the greatest journeys ever, trekking through south america for almost 2 months...start your prayers now please
--for those on board with what's going on in my life...thank you...and even for those who are not...take notes
--for times that felt like old times girl...we gonna be ok

Things I Have Learned About Myself...Lately...

this is something i am going to start doing...lil things i am realizing about myself or learning, whether good or bad (for lack of a better word)...things i know will not change, things i need to change...my growth, my backsliding, all of it...i will try to do it once a week, well try anyway...at least once a month...so much for once a week; but ya get what i am aiming for...

i am pretty damn funny, and i like to make people laugh...my comedic timing is quite on point...i didn't realize this before, but this safe place i am in lately, allows for the true me to shine

i think i am slowly losing my filter and my need to give a damn...seems to have gotten worse (or better, depends upon perspective) with age. i just don't have time for folks (or mine) BS, whining, or judgement anymore...like get with the program people...life is too short

i guess i really have never forgiven you, thought i did, and said i did...but guess truly i did not...and it is rearing its ugly head...in order for us to survive, i got to deal with this. i think it scares me i may not get past it (or i do), and still end up losing us.

i am one interesting chick...none like me

i am loving again the way i once did, and even loving myself a bit more because of it...because how can i love the way i need to, if i don't love myself the way i need to...i still have quite a ways to go, yet i am moving forward...even if they are baby steps

i don't like my mother...and though i need to work on it...i am okay with this fact

i am afraid i have lost my fire as a poet...it has been such a huge part of my life, but since falling in love, i have left a lot of it behind...just not angry any more, and my scars don't hurt as much...its not a bad thing though...i understand now what zae meant when he said between love and poetry, something/someone suffers...the trilogy cannot survive without consequences...i want to find my groove again with this mistress poetry, but i will choose THIS love anyday first!

my procrastination is just another word for avoidance...sigh

i am a brat, a spoiled brat, a cute one...but a brat nonetheless lol...and i don't care to work on it LOL...i like it

i notice big disagreements/terrible ugly fights tend to ensue during shifts/changes in my life...part of my flight or fight issues i believe...this one knocked me over the head when i realized it, and also looked back on my life...yep, every time...glad i am now aware, because that mess just ain't right.

i matter.

For....

--for this Life of mine, for this life in mine, for this life with mine...i am humbled
--for finally getting a grip on "not my time this year", oh but thank you for those who took me there....what were we thinking LOL
--for one of the baddest texas/national teams around, headed by one helluva awesome dude with big guns
--for growth in words, writing, performance, healing, and self....just wow
--for love all in the air, and its not even spring yet
--for true love seeping out and into my essence
--for showing the not so nice parts of me, yet you even love them, and love me even more for them
--for long talks out on the patio until the wee hours of the morning...there is nothing like thought provoking questions/answers
--for you...simply you...and the way you do what you do
--for great girl time...my tummy still hurts from the laughter
--for my babygirl and her goddess tendencies, she is such an amazing kid
--for being so much closer
--for feeding my family
--for the flowers she brings....all things of beauty need thorns to protect themselves
--for our first big one...and we made it through with better love
--for reaching out....you are always there
--for upcoming birthdays...hope you are well...yes
--for unconventional monogamous relationships...lol.....we define us
--for fudge....simply fudge...yum
--for the lil' things that make the big difference
--for sunshine and her growth this summer...just wow
--for working on the upside, at least trying...smile
--for the women in my life, so enriched by them...thank you
--for change, even the scary parts are saying it will be okay...just believe

A Lil' Early, But Never Late...Always On Time...

--for God in all forms and understanding
--for deep thoughtful conversations with my brother
--for sibling love
--for safe returns
--for you now being just up the street, round the corner from mamma and 'em
--for new beginnings and vast paths of possibilities
--for he, who just can't help but to like her, even when it may be painful
--for one of the baddest azz roles of God i have ever seen...you are amazing, hope you KNOW that
--for not knowing what tomorrow brings, but enjoying the good mornings everyday
--for prayer and understanding
--for memories made in such lil' time
--for you showing me to me a lil more each day
--for exhales
--for working on the "ups" more hopefully...wink
--for honesty and communication....both can make or break any relationship, depending on how you use it
--for our own language, our own way of doing things, in our time...lol i know not all may understand...but its ok...believe me...its ok...we got this
--for my beautiful babies, though growing up so fast, they still let me hold them and kiss em, and love all over them
--for the ink that writes me
--for the woman who loves me.

Yep I Would...

...afterwards i would brush my teeth though LOL

Smile...

Love Is Necessary...

--for the Most High, and the ones that are sent low amongst us
--for love in all its forms
--for this love we have...so powerful
--for my Zeus always protecting me
--for the stone with the words "safe" written on it that you gave me...yes i am...yes you are
--for tay hanging with the big girls...dang my children are amazing
--for trackers that reveal the bitter truth
--for the madness finally being over...hopefully
--for new beginnings...again
--for one incredible holiday weekend with my extended family
--for what she sees in me...and i let her
--for seeing the new smile on your face my friend...crazy times, but good times
--for the future
--for making sure the ones i care about know it
--for hard talks with him again...damn i will always love him, just want him to be as happy as i am...i know its hard for us all
--for finally getting it right
--for spur of the moment surprises pulled off perfectly...hahaha
--for her extra touch with the pasta
--for new folks in my life i can now call my friends, because they are hers too
--for one special lady working on my business website...need all the gentle pushes i can get...so excited
--for having to speak my mind..sometimes it just has to be said without filters
--for out of the blue phone calls, wanting to hear my voice...thank u sir
--for one more treetop hideaway rendevous...i will miss you
--for the older lady on the bus, who didn't want me to get off so soon...how sweet
--for memories...lot of emotions there
--for her family becoming my family, and hanging out with them poolside
--for the memories my babies are having this summer...glad they are enjoying it..so many more to come...did i say already how great my kids are...oh, well they are
--for the simple things in life, that make it so sweet

Random Rantings...hadn't done this in awhile...uh oh

ash...if i can see her, don't you think i see you two too...wow...really? find what ya looking for? you work just where you should be!!

why do folks peek, but don't leave a comment...i mean what's the point? doesn't bother me every once in awhile..but all the time, but nothing said..sorta creepy

why are folks so interested in my life, what i am doing?...who i am doing it with? maybe because i'm pretty real and honest with mine, i don't have anything to hide, and yeah i pretty much lay it out there lol...but really my life isn't much different...i am pretty happy with it...just a few glitches with the *!tches LOL...i crack myself up

why lie? over and over again..ok i am not perfect with this either, but come on...bold face is too much...if it smell like a duck, quack like a duck...ya'll know the rest

why does my son have so many good looking guy friends coming to the house to play video games...but i really think they are here for my daughters lol

why do the friends stay way past their own dinner time when we are cooking...lol...guess i can't complain too much...they like it

why are the damn hot bugs out even past midnight, yelling at one another about how damn hot it is!!

i think it rained today, but it dried up before it left the clouds...the devil even knocked on my door for some ice lol...don't know why he picked my house but yeah

poor Obama, do you see all the grey that has set in? and not even a year has gone by yet....did look good throwing out the first ball though in the All-Star game...was that a bullet-proof vest under that jacket?

wow...its 2009, and black children are still being turned away from swimming pools...i am not surprised really...are you?

7 people were in on killing a loving couple of 16 children...for a stinking safe...my God, what kind of world is this? what do the babies do now?

why did my dad walk out his room with a box of cereal? ate two bowls...loudly i might add...then put the box back in his room...is my dad hoarding cereal in his room? seriously?

ohh i forgot how much fun these were...until next time...peace out

Enough IS Enough...Again

my blog family...you know i don't operate like this..well for the most part lol..but i am putting this fool on notice...and just in case she tries to harm me or B physically...well...ya'll know its been of record....she is nuts

IP address:
192.70.218.25

Job:
Marathon Exploration

GeoLocation:
Houston

Name:
Keisha Warren (yes we have the same last name..ironic)

what else you need to know that you are officially on notice?...no longer anonymous are you?

I am tired of the games lil' girl...grow the hell up please...accept the fact she doesn't want you...never did...you were JUST a good time in the meantime...there were never any promises of getting together, or you would become her girl. even when you came to her job, she looked you right in your eyes and told you...i know you were under the delusion she would be with you after her breakup...but again, it was a good time, that's it..accept it...no promises were made
accept the fact she is with me now, and will be...always.
i know its hard, she is a helluva woman with so much to offer, a beautiful peaceful soul...i would be upset too, if she passed me by...but she hasn't has she?
i think you could of handled this in a better way my dear, if fact, you could of stayed friends, and we could of been friends too...even invite you and your own girlfriend over for dinner...sorry your own gf hasn't paid much attention to you or served you right sexually...been almost a year before my baby right?...i mean anybody in that kind of drought would fall in love immediately with her kind of skills, so i understand.
you are being quite hurtful in your "anonymous" comments (seriously do you think she would want a woman like that?)...but i know you are upset and perhaps a bit crazy...
please for YOUR sake, leave us alone...go find your own happiness and peace...and maybe get some therapy.

and to you: i am sorry i even thought it was you for a second...my apologies...i do hope one day we can talk and move forward.

This. Now. Always.

cyclonic dreams pierce eyelids
with chaotic realities
Zeus tendencies calms the storms swirling
as healing kisses
stitch gaping wounds closed
sandcastle wishes hold strong past the tides
with pearl understanding
hidden in the jewels of her eyes,
in a sea of men...
there she stands
my island...
waiting for me to swim to her shores
for she knows there is safety in her number of one
knows in order to capture the butterfly
she must first allow its freedom
to sit still and long enough for i
to land softly on her shoulder
and i did
and i will
stay
always
giving butterfly kisses
wrapping wings around her locked vines
drinking her sweet nectar
pollinating her heart
where flowers bloom in abundance....
how did i get so lucky
this lifetime?
she is my karma incarnate
good deeds paid forward
my amen at the end of every prayer
cheesy lines etched in the corners of my cheesy smile
just can't help it
checklists complete
yet still didn't see this one coming
God you knew i needed her
even before she was born
so you took your time getting her to me
knowing perfection was at hand
knowing the pain prepared me for understanding of self
of her
of love
i wouldn't change any of that....for this
this
kind
of
love
is...
is...
simply rare
God you knew she needed me
even before she was born
so you took your time getting me to her
knowing i needed to be ready for her greatness
knowing she needed my kinda love
just as much as i needed hers
yeah,
this kinda of love...
i knew it would be good
but never like this

thank u

so i only have one question,
"can we embarrass the universe with our love,
and cause even Venus to blush?"

she whispers, yes baby...
we already are

...a poem in progress...yet will never be finished (smile)

CHECK MATE

AIN'T IT FUNNY...WE HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME...BUT I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WITH HERS...KISSES

Once Again...

--for the way the Universe wraps me with its blessings daily
--for my handsome son's 15th birthday...lil' sad about it, but i can't stop the growth...lol...size 13 shoe, towers over me...no stop the madness please!!
--for family dinners, with the old and the new
--for treetop love
--for restraint
--for the NYLO hotel...non like it...whole new experience for both of us in different ways
--for baseball game all inclusive fun
--for beach trips with and for "us"
--for the way we party...lawd you think there were more of us, a tiger, and a baby in the closet lol
--for everything new
--for the moment i felt it go to another level
--for the way she looks INTO me, and loves it ALL, even the not so pretty
--for bed talks with my kids...very important to keep communication open
--for friends who support whatever i do, even if it may be a bit tough
--for prayer
--for unlimited texts...didn't know what i was missing lol, but still oh so nice to hear the voice
--for the tough times and the growing times, very close meshed
--for pops and his new nationwide commercial
--for our own rules
--for living MY life
--for one deleted check mark to stop your stupidity..still an open invitation though
--for NeoSoul tonight...can't wait to see what they have done...so excited, plus i have missed the mic and the poets...missing home

Soooooo......PSA

Dear Anonymous,
i wasn't quite sure how to address this at all...should i even bother with it? should i even publish the comment made by you in the first place? at first i was, but nah i will not give you the satisfaction.

the word "anonymous" has a simple definition...but i am adding another: COWARD

please look that one up on your own, since you seem to have PLENTY of time on your hands anyway.

i want you "anonymous" to know this...be very careful my dear, your incognito is short-lived and pseudo...but ohhh baby_______________________(fill in the blank)!!

yes, i may be an old *____* as you stated...but this old *____* is one damn sexy beautiful woman, inside and out, better than you will ever HOPE to look or be...what did your reflection say to YOU this morning? i mean besides idiot and bitter?

by the way, don't let my constant smile fool ya for being all sweet and weak...whatever means you need to get in contact with me and "let's talk this over" i will get to ya real quick.

oh yeah...hey "anonymous" a.k.a. the COWARD, you CANNOT shake my tree, nor steal my JOY my dear.

thanks for the effort though

until we meet again...hallelujah...holla back

sincerely,
MichelleDesiree

Its A New Day...

--for God in all his/her forms
--for this love of ours
--for chucks, pretty girls, good laughs, good drinks, and naturals
--for looks that could kill lol
--for needed time away, but still missing it all...its just different kind of missing now
--for the enormity of a wingfield's burger...and baby, i don't want to do this again lol
--for the intellectual and the strategist
--for the haters...hey i need 22 more before the year's end...any takers?
--for my kids and all their awesomeness...they are hella cool indeed
--for my baby boy's 15th bday coming up next week
--for upcoming beach trips...and new beginnings
--for safe havens to run to
--for our first grocery shopping trip...lol
--for treetop heaven
--for realities we never expected...yes will be this way always...and we know it
--for nudging the fledgling out the nest a bit more each day lol
--for the humor in everyday life
--for walking down hallways no one was allowed to, but she tore down the police tape
--for Zeus' fists of justice
--for knowing the greatness of MJ
--for the lil' things that make a BIG difference

For Everything....

--for the Creator and She...and the sweet Grace surrounding us all
--for love in all its forms
--for making one of the toughest decisions i have ever had to make
--for my babies i left behind...i love you two so very much...shining stars already
--for support from those who truly are friends, and they make it known
--for you showing your true colors, not what i expected, but it is what it is
--for NEVER again...i love you sis
--for knowing that no matter how confident or strong i get, it will never be mistaken for arrogance nor will i walk on the backs of those who help me get there
--for growing into one helluva HEALTHY woman
--for knowing when to walk away, and when to come back
--for one great man who loves me, understands me, loves her too, and knows that i am happy
--for painful realizations through retrospection...but i am ok, not staying down in the muck...rising above...growing even more
--for my Zeus, my protector...gently reminding me of how people should/shouldn't treat me
--for Vegas baby!!!!!
--for situations that are not easy, but we will all work it out for the better
--for my great kids....long talks, and my "how did ya'll get so dang smart"
--for being in her space...she loves my cooking lol
--for the beauty and serenity of the Botanical Gardens
--for sweet grandmothers in Whataburger drive thru's
--for scars healing quite nicely with her gentle kisses

This Is For You...and You...and You...oh yeah and YOU

--yes she is my girlfriend
--yes i am quite aware she is a woman
--yes a HELLUVA one at that
--yes i know there will be issues
--no i will not run at the first sign of trouble
--no this is not a summer romance
--no I AM NOT playing
--yes I AM serious
--yes WE are quite serious
--no i am not the same woman YOU THINK i am
--yes you make me laugh lurking
--yes she is smitten
--yes i am just as smitten, if not more
--no i did not steal her from her
--yes she stole MY heart
--yes HE knows
--yes we have HIS blessing
--no its not easy for any of us
--no God will not condemn us...i mean He brought this together right?
--yes my kids adore her
--yes she adores my kids
--no i am NOT the seductress i have been sadly labeled
--no everything you thought i did when with her, you are incorrect
--yes i have always cared about her
--yes she knows i am a packaged deal
--no i will not leave them behind this time
--yes...again, its just THAT serious
--yes if you would like an invitation...send me your address lol
--yes i am in love
--no i have never felt this...like this...in this way
--yes SHE IS enough
--yes i will take great and BETTER care of her
--no its not going too fast
--yes you should be happy for me, her, for us
--no i don't need you...did i ever?
--yes get out of our stuff picking it apart and go get YOUR OWN happiness
--yes take care of YOUR OWN household pretty lady, seems your foot is in two doorways anyway
--no you cannot shake my happiness
--no i will not miss the phallic symbol...AT ALL
--yes i love the haters
--yes grow up
--yes should of put a ring on it....like she has...hmmmm

Yes, Its Been A Hot Minute....

--for the Creator & She...wrapped up in Grace...thank you for continuing to guide my steps
--for great poetic house parties, faces i haven't seen in so long, and more interesting and funny moments
--for tough talks...with blessings...he just wants me happy...and loves her too...'cause she brings kolaches lol
--for this friggin' fantabulous story that is being written...started a long time ago didn't it?
--for my kids, my kids, my kids....yeah they are pretty cool, funny, beautiful, smart, intelligent, passionate, creative....ok ok i can go on forever...very proud to be called (still) "mommy"
--for each and every cell in her body that makes her so unique, and the rest of this time on earth to explore each
--for hands in hair
--for vulnerable moments, yet still feeling safe
--for my Zeus, and the new way i look at thunder and lightening
--for believing again in real love
--for being able to show all my parts, without fear of judgement or abandonment
--for our trip to Vegas...through new eyes
--for my babies on this team...i am so proud of all the hard work, pens are wicked
--for the passion that still burns
--for the ones who understand sometimes i'm friend, sometimes i'm coach..and don't take advantage of either
--for 4th story open window giggles and attacking curtains
--for this time...being the right time...even next lifetime is jealous right now
--for scratched records and silence....priceless...yep now ya know
--for making plans for our future...our future...wow...yeah
--for the comfort of 3 beautiful faces surrounding me during our mommy's bed talks...they love her just as much...
--for mauve...and letting blue be blue lol...i am learning
--for you and i, and our ever growing friendship...we always going to be alright this time around...sho a nice view from here
--for still learning me and this skin i am in...peace and understanding keeps me looking young lol
--for prayer and meditation...we must be still sometimes
--for long lists

Weekend of Just Being...and so grateful for it

--for God allowing me to be a pretty good mom
--for prayer to get through it all
--for one of the best Mother's Day i have ever had, my kids made me feel so beautiful and so loved
--for my Zeus
--for laughing until i couldn't see a damn thing..ya'll chicks is crazy
--for hanging out with the neo/ktown crew
--for the lil gestures of kindness...they don't go unnoticed
--for the chivalry of a woman
--for the knowing glances and conversations we have without uttering a word
--for the road we have traveled pimpin'...nice to see us on the same beautiful path...how is your view from there?
--for the people in my life...and loving the good and not so good, just loving all the parts..and hope they love me the same
--for hair playing and watching over me
--for lil' man wanting us to stay one more day
--for fly azzz poets and their words...just enjoy sitting back and watching
--for new territory in my love life...who knew...'cause i didn't see it coming
--for this lifetime possibilities
--for time with my mom...i am getting there
--for brutal honesty...even with myself
--for you up and down the highway 3 weeks in a row...amazing you are
--for everything being so damn natural and comfortable between us
--for trying really hard to stay in my lane, but girl must admit you are so good at what you do
--for loving this skin i am in...and the new dresses which grace this fluffy beautiful frame
--for seeing more and more the Goddess within

Fierce!! B. Scott

just watch...you might receive a blessing...at least a hell yes for sure!!
watch the whole thing too please.

It's A New Day...

--for the love, patience, and grace given unconditionally daily by the He/She
--for the love, patience, and understanding i give myself daily...just not always unconditionally
--for knowing when to speak up and when to remain quiet
--for talks because we have come a long way
--for possibilities
--for you reaching out to me, and me being there to catch you
--for best girlfriends and guyfriends...and getting it right this time
--for getting to know me just a lil' bit more
--for my kids and spring missing me
--for keeping it real between us
--for roses, partner in crime, and crawfish boils...im still grinning
--for the smile you put on my face daily...you make me giggle ms lady
--for hard talks with you, but necessary and we got through it
--for you not being my "it", but not settling and taking someone else's opportunity for you to be their "it"...enjoyed our time
--for loving these 40's..it will get even better
--for peace within self

he teaches me well how to hate him, and loves me more for it
he teaches me well how to love him, and hates me more for it
--------------------------------------------
i can mindfuck you to satisfaction
with each flick of my tongue
using my metaphors as dreamy pillows
and my similes to keep you warm
--------------------------------------------
i gave you the name Morgan Michelle
because a piece of me died with you
before you could take one single breath

one hand a tight fist, the other 5 lil fingers spread open
as if holding on and letting go simultaneously
to the umbilical cord that binded us both no longer
--------------------------------------------
this is me...deal with it!
--------------------------------------------
my stomach bloats from all the bones i had to swallow
closets were overflowing
and the walls were beginning to talk back
---------------------------------------------
i see him
struggling
everyday
trying
to become the man
his father never was
trying
to become the man
his mother birthed him to be
but his instruction book disintegrated at the age of 15
the exact moment she took her last breath
he
running through the streets so fast
trying to go back to the moments before
before cancer no longer dined on her body
before the children said "where's mommy?"
his efforts proved futile
still
he has been searching for his best friend ever since
in every laugh
in every tear
in every memory burned into his cortex
like panoramic views
God can be cruel sometimes to a teenage boy.

Muse...

...lose yourself in dreamy days. close your eyes and turn off the rooftop chatter and let your thoughts wander with the ease of a feather floating on a warm summer breeze. wonder as you wander. muse away the afternoon awash in fantasy. go in and out of this and that and nothing in particular. follow a bumblebee into the heart of a blossom and see where it takes you. imagine your own trip to Wonderland, your journey to the deepest center of Inner Earth, your flight on angel wings. climb onto the soft and silky back of a unicorn and be carried far away to that unknown place where rainbows live between the rains. call your uses to your side. let them hold your hands and whisper words in your ears and breathe into your being the sweet, holy breath of inspiration.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being For Women

It Is What It Is....

--for evening and morning "thank you's" for my life and all who are in it...guide my feet
--for my 3 and their laughter...incredible watching them grow
--for an incredible birthday present...i mean just yummy...can i have some more?
--for a much needed retreat...everything from thumb antics to bowling strikes with interest
--for reconnections...we been waiting a long time huh?
--for soldier's safe homecoming
--for butterflies and bees in springtime
--for seeing the most beautiful man i have ever seen...seriously had me talking outloud...Dhani Jones...my goodness thank you for creating HIM!
--for conference IM's that make you almost pee in your pants with laughter
--for vanilla ice cream with sliced fresh strawberries...so simple/so yummy
--for the gift of new glass pipes...thank you, will be put to good use i promise
--for feeling vulnerable and safe
--for baby pics and reminiscing
--for seeing the growth of a woman poet, i know will be a name of record, and one i call friend
--for seeing you slam again...you were toooo dang cute
--for apologies after heated arguments...growth
--for Paper Bear
--for knowing, or at least trying to know, when to let go and when to hold on
--for seeing and reading how you are stripping away the layers...i got you sis
--for hands in my hair
--for the power in the simplicity of a kind word
--for understanding of self...just a lil bit odd
--for lakeside kungfu movies in the making
--for simply complicated moments
--for the reason i love the color mauve
--for forgiving officers
--for opening up just a bit more to the possibilities of "I"

41 Reasons...and Facts about Shelle

1. i still search for God in all its forms, for there is not just one way nor one true/right religion...i try to wrap myself in He/She daily
2. my beautiful children, has been a learning experience...can't believe they are almost adults now...i think i did okay.
3. my male best friend who has been by my side pretty much my entire adult life. my rock, my foundation...what does life have in store for us now?
4. the relationship with my girl most don't get...you know what?...we don't care, 'cause we understand one another...even have our own language lol
5. i know how far i have come, despite what i have been through...if you truly knew my story...
6. loving this skin i am in finally, because i never use to
7. nobody has to tell me i am a good person or that i am one helluva woman...i know
8. i have loved, in one way or another, some amazing people...each one teaching me a lil bit more about me...no room for regrets
9. i am a pretty creative person when i just let go
10. poetry..so much to say to you, for you turned my life upside down and recreated me
11. found my voice May 2004...and i ain't shutup yet
12. i am starting to see my mother for the woman she needs me to see, a lil' more each day...i'm at least trying
13. it hurts like hell peeling away the layers, but necessary to find the authenticity of I
14. i still get severe stage fright everytime i hit the mic, breathing and prayer works wonders
15. i am quite aware of the power of this voice of mine, just hope folks truly hear me
16. this heart of mine is worn out, from giving it away so much...but hey, i keep pretty ribbons, thread, stickers, bandages, glitter, and glue to keep it together
17. i see things in other realms...really i do
18. i am odd and quirky, but i love that fact about myself
19. i am an Aries strong...and i do use my horns
20. i have a split personality, i joke about it, but its true
21. i am stronger than i give my self credit for
22. i still struggle with the negative talk, which has caused me to miss out on many opportunities
23. my insatiable sexual appetite (as sc once called it) gets me in trouble sometimes...ah but makes for great memories lol...don't judge...sexuality can be freeing...just keep it safe
24. my cooking skills will keep you satisfied...love the comfort foods
25. i got so much to do and still so much to own up to...pray for me
26. my grandmother was/still is one of the most important influences in/on my life...she was a trailblazer
27. i carry a lot of guilt i wasn't around as much in her last years
28. i enjoy making others feel good...whatever and however that may be...brings me satisfaction
29. i have a fetish for cherry cobbler and chocolate...no not together lol
30. my family is very important to me, somewhat quite traditional in that matter
31. i really love being me
32. all i want is "that kinda love"...such a hopeless romantic i am
33. you & i have been to hell and back, so this view from here is quite nice lately...you my dear have taught me so much about myself in a weird kinda way, may not talk on the phone much or hang out...but i know you got me, and i got you...even in our separate lanes lol
34. i am not living up to my potential...very aware of this
35. i hold onto people much longer than what their season is suppose to be
36. there is a specific reason(s) i am here, and i think it has to do with healing in someway through words...praying to find it soon
37. the older i get, the less time i have for bs and the people who speak it...next!
38. i have to be very careful about who i let in my space, believe the fact they can leave their essence on you, whether neg or pos. and not everyone has the best intentions
39. i have got to stop trying to heal the men in my life...especially if they don't want it or too afraid to want it...but i'm still here for them...just got to figure out how to separate the two
40. meditation and prayer are necessary
41. damn...i...am...41...years...old....now what?

Eternally...

--for the Universe & the Creator, allowing me to exist within this realm
--for whispers and thumps on the head
--for great friends
--for music for the ears...real stuff
--for hearing Maya Azucena live...Goddess incarnate
--for talking briefly to Brother Ali...such a humble man
--for fun neo nights
--for phone calls from across the waters...they still are okay..and will be home soon
--for the young men of Thurman House
--for my girl, as of today, is ranked 11th @ WOWPS
--for hanging out with my male best friend...my rock
--for mischievous eyes and smiles
--for you getting in the slam away from home...no matter the outcome, proud of ya
--for freeness...thanks angie and hustle
--for the goodness of life in every breath...even through storms, breathe it in

Lion

i never thought you would show
nevermind stay
but you do
even when i don't
forgive me...please
for they know not what they do
these personalities split
the child,
needing mother
to keep the nightlight on
close creaking closet doors
check under beds for the boogie man i have become
the man,
needing a solid path
often walking all over you
showing the way to greener pastures
though i bring so much shit
the genius,
who struggles with normalcy
and can't quite figure out why 1+1 should only remain 2
the hustler,
needing his ride to die chick
to watch his back
when he doesn't even have his own
yet, you stay
being all these things and more
all awhile i walk through many doors
leaving you on the otherside standing in my rain
knocking gently
who gave you all those keys allowing these skeletons to stir?
i am not ready for reprieve
why are you so comfortable on this stage,
with no spotlight
except for the one i need beamed on me?
let me hide within the wings of you
you...
don't allow me to continue
rewrite these lines splitting my tongue,
injuring you
while the love notes i once wrote
get lodged between baby teeth
they can't stand the sweetness
decaying the truth i cannot speak
but don't stop searching for me within those reflective eyes
those eyes
its hard looking there sometimes
within the truth that freckles your irises
it must be what you hold onto
what you keep screaming at me with your precious puzzling prescence
though i only allow me to listen to your heartbroken smile
i want my kisses to prop up those sweet corners
run free through your forgiving lips to speak the truth of me
make me believe in me
i understand if can't take anymore
for i hang heavy on your wing torned shoulders
shake me off and back into your arms
i pray often in the name of ganja
you will not forsake me....

in progress

Grateful....

--for the mornings and late evening private time i have with the universe...keeps me grounded and continuously grateful
--for the woman i am becoming
--for the women in my life and their own growth, no matter how small they may think it is..it is still growth
--for knowing when to be the peacemaker, and when to stay in my damn lane
--for admiring you from afar...more than i will ever admit or flirt with you about
--for the 3rd round being all women...and bringing new life to old shiznitt
--for laughing at the game of slam poetry...it does NOT DEFINE ME, or who i am as a poet
--for loving the open mics, and all that it brings...craziness included
--for old faces returning
--for the fluidity of my pen lately...and OMG of my fellow poetic family...makes me smile
--for from across the seas phone calls to let me know you are okay still
--for phone calls to just to say hey...you know that space is always there for you..its just best now the way it is
--for the path that is leading me into unknown territory
--for the beauty of the 3 i call my babies...blessed to be their mommy...but i really need for them to stop growing up lol

Move...

...your address, your body, your bookshelf. shake out anything in your life that's rusty, stiff, or stuck and get it into motion. take a walk, take a hike, take a step away from stagnating jobs, relationships, and life patterns. change perspective. move closer to people who meet you with authenticity and who nourish your wildest dreams. move away from everybody else. you don't have to move mountains; shifting a single pebble can work wonders. make your move--any move--now. if you wait until you have more money, more security, more grace, more anything, you'll never move anywhere at all.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

i am dancing in the rain, as well as, the sunshine...i am moving!!

Mentor...

...take another woman under your wing and help her learn to fly.share what you know--and how you learned it. show her whom to watch out for--and precisely why. lead her through an initiation, and guide her through the pitfalls you've already survived. tell her what she'll never read in the manual. maybe she's younger than you, maybe she's not. maybe she reminds you of you, maybe she doesn't. maybe she's your daughter. mentor her through high school, through college, through her Ph.D. mentor her into business, into government, into the theater. stay close enough to hold her gently by the arm if she needs it--and far enough away to giver her room to fall if she must. tell her you believe in her and you want to see her soar. watch her eyes become big and wide--and wonder why they call it mentor, anyway.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

i am aware of my role amongst the young women i surround myself with...i see so much of them in me, and i have learned so much from them. i do believe as an older woman (good lawd), it is part of the authenticity of coming into one self, to be a mentor for the ones coming up.
i wish i had someone to show me the way...i pray i do well and teach well, though many times i am in no position to do so...but i must
peace & blessings

by the way...spend more time holding one another up, instead of tearing each other down please.

Mend...

...when things are frayed and torn, mend them. mend yourself when you've come apart at the seams. put your pieces back together with a steady, patient stitch. sit down in a comfy chair with that basket of clothes and mend them. bring out your threads and needles and buttons. listen to Lena Horne while you mend. put the pieces back together. mend a relationship that stretched until it couldn't stretch anymore. mend your broken heart. piece together all the beautiful squares and circles and diamonds that you are. find how your mothering self and your child self, your business self and your artistic self can all fit together in a colorful, integrated whole. like a patchwork quilt. mend that ancient rift in your family. make amends. mend that hole where you let parts of yourself be sucked away time and time again. amend your agreements with people as you change and as they change. before you reach an end, take time to mend.
---from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Snyder


i think it is quite important, we do this with ourselves on a regular basis. we, others, and the world often tear at us for whatever reason...most days leaving us in pieces, barely breathing, barely living.
now what?
you keep breathing, eventually you will catch your breath
you keep stitching, maybe stronger threads this time
you keep loving...yourself.

what lines, from your partner's piece, spoke to you the most?
Powder's lines"...we bravely injected chaos into our normally ordered lives
and with it
the prospect of all that is random
including love..."

pieces
puzzled
trying to fit securely next to the one missing
or is it lost?
forgotten?
swept in dusty corners
collecting cobwebs
waiting to spin a new story to capture
entwined with sticky heartstring wrappings
save this juicy morsel for another empty day
when hunger pains echo in the chambers
reverberating the walls
knowing you have just eaten
yet remain unsatisfied
peirce the succulence
allow the fangs to bite down slowly
into each level of injected chaos
urgency to burn
and release itself in twisted veins of no return
to find its way back home
wipe your mud ladden boots on the course matt
lying outside this creaking door of pandora's box
wipe again
since all that gritty dirt likes to cling to the undertones
feel it though
misshape the order
make it unrecognizable
so not to see it creeping up on you
like the paper lions roaring from these pens.....

piece took a turn, not quite sure if fits properly..pieces, puzzled lol

Satisfaction

grab a scrabble letter out of a bag. think of word that starts with that letter, and commit to it. write 25 lines with that word starting the sentence, you have 10 minutes. don't use the obvious use of the word. then pick 4 that speak to you the most, and use those 4 sentences in a piece. (20 minutes)

my letter: s
first word thought of: satisfaction

satisfaction moans lies across her lips as gentle as a midnight breeze
promising this time--difference--
newly repaired wings offer newly constructed paths
both still wet and fresh with anticipation
satisfaction tastes each morsel of thee
slowly
running its tongue
cautiously
along the jagged edges of contentment
daring nervous giggles to laugh authentically
with head thrown back into past
arms stretched wide around now
for if one satisfies the child inside the woman
she will always remain faithful to the lion
which dwells in the cavernous jungle
needing freedom from caged birds with no 1/2 beat tunes
sing girl
sing
yeah
satisfaction drips from atomic pens piercing holes through concrete writer's block
as night falls
and pillows call
ignoring the obvious
as amber-colored satisfaction crept over God's eyelids
no blinking this time

loaded roulette

he remains a loaded roulette
dancing with suicidal play
knows his role well with others
yet searches for forgotten lines
with her
her
zion woman in waiting
praying she does not lose her own salvation
trying to save apathy
welcomes the holywar
allowing his scriptures thrusted upon her
beckoning lips cry to be fed
while hands loop around full back arched
cavernous navels seeking echoes to capture
he keeps his secrets there
wrapped around cords rhythmically pulsating satisfaction
finds the point of entry with rim licking tongue
greedily drinking fertile nectar
life is here in this womb
not the kind one may think
but his seeds mingle with the God within
his place of rest since she first begat him in thought
he needs this heaven
yet gambles lustfully with familiar strangers
who desire not to hold his heart kindly
its better that way....
praying he will never throw snake eyes
or worse remain alone
at least in those few lingering chaotic moments
defending his honor
between sheets of divinity
he can burst through self-inflicted walls
slide his fingers in between cracking foundations
to bury the bloated feeling of death
his brittle wounds are invisible to the naked eye
but she sees him well
stuttering his eyelids like drifting butterflies
with no petals to rest upon
so she offers hers
jasmine infused vines
to wrap their healing sweetness around his cracking frame
binding his splitting atoms.....

working on this too...please feedback...does it flow well? make sense? blah blah blah

after the previous exercise was completed and read out loud, folks were paired up then had to read their piece again to one another...whatever line or word spoke to you, write it down...had 20ish minutes to write on those lines...and use in any way, shape, form, or emotion.
the words "bruised but strong. tattered but stronger. alive and healing," spoke to me from bfran's piece.

i carry the weight of me unevenly
heart shifting from degrees of seperation
from choice one day
legacy others
but most days i struggle with the duplicity of both
pulled in two different directions
minduful logic stares down at instinct
they too want to pull their share
insides twisted
memories pluck out my eyeballs
so not to be seen in dreamscapes
even in lullabies you can catch glimpses of me
playing hide-n-seek with open wrists
trying to release the poison of mother may i's
and dodgeball whoopings
grandmother's ealy morning redemption humming
often stitch these fautlines close
thick sav kisses greased and soften the pain
i often pierce the keloid risings
to hear the vibration of her voice trapped inside
the last time i heard her whisper
"i have no more blood to give, these walls are getting thin
and your depression is not foundation
rebuild
since you cannot put in a change of address card
criss-cross the sinuous you
to build stronger branches to hold yourself up
stand on your own shoulders
to see out of the peep hole of self discovery
nurture the seedlings which you thought forsaken
allow the offshoots to grow wildly without and within you
wrapping themselves around the weak spots
and filling in the gaps
its not about falling apart,
but what you do with the pieces you still have left.

Contemplative

one word written in the middle of a poster board, 4 words extend from main word, then more words built off each word added...there are infinite possibilities....then write a poem just looking at the words on the board...again the possibilities are infinite.
word in the middle was 'contemplative'

contemplative journey
carries great distance across broken bridges burning
but through fire
comes renewal and a rebirth
bruised ashes become the words pouring from the ends of fractured quills
revealing chalk outlines of a poet
hidden
built within patchworked scars of the hand that rocks the pen
seeing multiplicities of personalities
within turmoil of relfections from vivid white sheets of chaotic whispering paper
God stares back from reference points of truth
screaming from the margins
where the heart bleeds from lead poison
etching lines to feel the burn
to bare witness to silence
finally
being
heard

Happy Love Day...Hope You Feel It Every Day

For The Love of Just Simply Being Grateful....

--for my son, for my son, for my son
--for all the prayers and well wishes from family and friends..i am humbled
--for the Creator & She watching over us all
--for God being kind
--for speaking my mind to him, but out of love...its all about choices
--for wanting him to look forward, not backward...i know its scary, but it will be worth it in the long run
--for an amazing neo soul night...its been incredible lately...though i don't need a crowd to love my neo
--for truth on the mic
--for you just showing up out the blue, the kiss on the neck...tink missed you
--for loving this skin i am in
--for the lightness in my feet, but still grounded
--for not sweating the small stuff...such a waste of energy
--for my best friend who gets me like no other...i know others don't get us...but who cares...we do
--for him stepping out on faith, may have not gone like you wanted it to...but you DID IT!!
--for knowing sometimes life doesn't pan out the way we would like...these are the times we hold on tight to one another...sisterhood...and family
--for the incredible women i know, have known, and have yet to meet
--for this heart of mine...it is vast and deep, and so forgiving..it is me
--for new words flowing from many pens
--for family...all sorts and flavors...blood and non...prick me and i will bleed for you

Skeletons

see me
through thin skin of translucent truths
i am not perfect
so i stitch the corners of my mouth just a lil' tighter
to keep the skeletons at bay
for they
they want to dance
want to dance on my tongue
scrap their skin along the backs of my chipped teeth
on the way out of my lips
dribble down my chin
then across my neck
to remind me
at any moment
they can kill me
sit upon drooping shoulders momentarily
chipping away at the heaviness
pierce deep into forgiving bleeding heart
where tattered ribbons dangle
with names written backwards
so you will always see you where you belong
whether coming or going
nestle themselves within an empty womb
for even skeletons need dance partners
and bigger floors to dance upon
come screaming through my lips
oozing across inner thighs of just needing to be loved
pooling at my feet....

working on it

i will scream my prayers into the sky
until it pounds on heaven's door
until the devil himself weeps
for he too, cannot stand the pain

i will scream my prayers into the heavens
until they make Jesus' ears bleed
let His blood rain down
and cover my son

amen


...and they did, and they do
thank you family

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff....

I am not quite sure how to deal with all of these emotions i am still having.

i could of lost my baby
i could of lost my baby
i could of lost my child
i could of lost my son
i could of lost my baby

the power of prayer is a mighty thing
the power of prayer is awesome

Kami you are so loved by so many ( i don't think he will ever know just how many folks all over were praying for him)...my deepest thank you's...He heard all of you it seems

I am so blessed to have you still

this has nothing to do with luck

he had to have a frontal cranialotimy for elevation and repair of a compound commuted, depressed frontal skull fracture...whew

i have forgiven the other teenager who did this...i still have my baby

his brain membrane was torn too, and also has some frontal lobe bruising, but he is all Kameron still...i know it could of been alot worse...God has been kind (smile)

i kept a brave face as long as i could when this first happened, but when the doctor came in and said we need to transport him via ambulance to Dell Children's Hospital to see the neurosurgeon, and if the two boys had been any closer..it would of been fatal....momma lost it

then i had to get it together again...for him...he was so scared...we all were

i know it all could of been so much worse...i know...i know...i know it could of been...but i will say it again...God has and continues to be kind.

i can't even fathom the possibility i almost lost my baby...my only son.

he is tired of me hovering over him, but i just can't help it.
i know he must go to school next week... i am scared though of letting him out of my sight.

i think he likes all the attention and loving...but you know, he is a teenage boy...tries to hide the fact he secretly loves it...i see it in his beautiful smile

oh his beautiful smile...none like it...thank you for allowing me to see it again.

Yep....

--for the Creator & She, and of course Grace
--for my family...in whatever form that comes, by blood or by words
--for my beautiful supercalifragilisticexpialidocious children...amazing, and MINE!!
--for protecting hands in my hair
--for late night chats of understanding
--for this grand lovely skin i am in...sho fit nice
--for those who stop by this blog...known and unknown, and those who peek
--for new paths, new journeys, new eyes
--for stepping away from the competition of it all...and being fine with that
--for business plans coming into view
--for earl grey tea on cold nights
--for loving you...despite you...i pray for your healing
--for the lion that roars, but i know better
--for dancing to the good ol' oldies
--for the shoutout in myspace world...brothers are doing some things
--for just being still...shhhh listen to what the wind whispers...you are never alone
--for a really nice afternoon @ starbucks with him...he is so excited...i am too about making a difference
--for another nice moment with my mom @ starbucks (lol) hanging with her on her birthday...much needed, and another layer peeled away...getting there
--for overseas called received, glad he is safe another day
--for all the wonderful women in my life..aren't we incredible!!!

Let It Be

i know i may be too open or too revealing on these public electronic forums, at times; but i believe sometimes it can help others...my story, though out there, is not just mine...and anybody going through anything remotely similar will understand, even benefit somehow.
yes there are those who will nod or shake their heads in agreement or disagreement, and even those who will be empathetic, but there will also be those who will sit in judgement (even those who truly love me).
it truly is okay, lol but i will say this.....

this is my journey, my path, my steps, my life
it takes great courage to walk in my shoes, what i write here and in my poetry is but a glimpse of me...
glimpse meaning, you are on the outside.
outside looking in...never able to see the totality of the situation
you see what your eyes see, and we all know it is a perception...your reality of my situation.
you may think you have the "right" answers...but again, those are your answers for a perception of a reality you have never lived.
i do take all ideas, concerns, and even the haters (got to love the haters), wrap it up in a nice lil jagged pill and swallow...but at the end of the day, it is i who has to deal with me.
lately (past year or so), i have been doing pretty good with me
being comfortable in my own skin and finding out who this beautiful lady is...i like me a whole lot.
i am one of the oddest people i know, and guess what...i am fine with that. i date men in their 20's, love women with a passion, drink good vodka and smoke lots of good weed. my spirit is restless, and sometimes i listen and throw caution to the wind...and ride that bitch until i grow tired of that too.
i do crazy things...but perhaps that is a huge difference between me and them...I DO!...i refuse to be boxed into any situation, even if others think it is the "right" thing to do or think i am being selfish in my actions. i have lived life in that manner, after awhile it will slowly kill your spirit.
i can show you the scars to prove it, if you don't believe me.

i am trying one more time on this relationship with him, key word i am trying....so far to go, but it starts with one step..and i have taken that step, looking forward to the next one, though not quite sure where that particular step will land...but ready for it.
we are not married...not sure why i said that, but needed to be said.
like mentioned in a previous blog, just want to make sure everything was tried...but it is hard to try everything, when possibly it may be one sided or not enough. we will see right?
i will not settle for mediocrity or "just for the kids"...what does that teach them, really?
ready for this journey though...my journey, my path, my steps, my life

that kind of love we seek is possible though...i have tasted it before...and oh how sweet it was, and can still be...let it be


let it be
like a spring day on a winter's morning
new life through stagnancy and hibernation
warm suns awakening and laughing in the face of last sunsets
let it be
like roses beyond the normal color of red
simplicity and purity of Calla lilies
the wildness and originality of nature's fields
run with me through it
barefoot and free
let it be
better love
expected rain to water the seeds of faith
coaxed germination with soft kisses and talk beyond pillows
intertwined roots for foundational strength
heaven bound branches to hold rope swings and playful houses
play make-believe until fantasy becomes reality
be my king, my prince, my jester, my lifetime
i be your queen, your princess, your lady in waiting, your eternal
let it be
secrets written in the book of life
incantations fingered into magic
creating new "once upon a time's" on our time
and "lived happily ever after" even after
let it be
not forgotten
not safe
not for any other reason but ours
let it be
a better love

it is crazy feeling the way that i do about life right now, specifically my relationship with this jazz man.
i will not lie about it, i am scared to death...trying to work things out, and wondering if it is the right thing to do...will it work...will things that need to be changed actually change, or remain the same...am i settling...will i or he screw it up???
questions, questions, questions, run rampant through my mind, and i am desperately trying to silence the voices of self doubt.
like i said...i am scared to death
i still consider my self single, and he does too...because neither one of us wants to jump right in...though i may have jumped the gun just a bit.
i love the man, never has been a doubt; and i know he loves me...i have never doubted that fact either.
the serious conversations have started, and i hope they continue...we are worth it...my family is worth it.
so again, please keep us in your prayers
if we realize this is not working, well, we want to walk away knowing we did all we could of done to try to make it work...and that is all i want...to make sure i tried everything.
love can carry one a great distance

What a Great day for more than one reason

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!

KEEPING IT ON THE DL (LOL)

He Loves Me....Still

looking back into the archives, i found this...and i began to cry...good cry though.
we are going to try it again, work on this love we have had for so many years...just wanted to share...because we will need your prayers as well.
time to stop playing...time to heal...time to grow...time to love like never before


my jazz man,
loved me enough when i didn't love me
when i didn't love him
saved memories and morsels
w/in the grooves of melodies
to be played repeatedly
until i heard for the first time
again
let his butterfly float on the winds of change
until home's colors were painted just right
for the world's hues were becoming too heavy for wings to carry
hung blossoms around the door to beckon me home
encircled in love's cocoon
there he brought out his collection for me to hear
saved memories and morsels escaped from the grooves
floated up to my ears
and danced back into my heart
my jazz man
loved me enough
to hold on....

Home Is Where My Heart Belongs, but Still Grateful...

--for Grace, the Higher Powers, and She
--for this eye opening experience on this tour
--for much self reflection
--for missing home, my dog, my kids, my family, my tarik more than i ever thought i would....and them missing me too
--for realizing its time to stop playing
--for his arms waiting to hold me
--for tears of love
--for the voices of my children...none like it
--for rising moons and setting suns..and able to witness it on a long stretch of nevada highway at the same time
--for landscapes so breathtaking
--for the power and awesomeness of the Grand Canyon...maaaan!!
--for the folks we have met along the way
--for really missing my neo family and writing labs
--for the 3 of us on this journey together
--for our denver family...ayinde, laquita, and mamma...be still my heart
--for my friends who miss me and send me lil notes of inspiration
--for my life...wouldn't change anything right now...but changes are coming...good ones indeed
--for the love that i have always wanted....right in front of my face...yeah..and duh
--for clarification and verification
--for we might just get it right this time huh
--for the wonderfulness of me...i love me and all my quirkiness

Remembering What I Am Thankful 4...

--for my life, even with all its ups n downs, twists n turns...it is still mine that i am truly blessed with..and i get to recreate daily
--for my children...man i done good
--for my family...dysfunctional and all...still family
--for my neofamily...dyfunctional and all...lol...we are still family ever growing...ever stronger
--for the new kids on the block...thank you for reminding me why i love this shiznitt
--for leos and virgos....taught/teaching me so much about this woman
--for love past, love lost, love gained, love possibilities...sigh i am patient
--for all the teaching moments, no matter how painful...no regrets
--for my #1 fan...thank you will never be enough...just wish, well i just wish...
--for the experience tour....it has indeed already been an experience..and my road dawgs are great lol
--for cool evenings and far away stars to dream upon
--for every inhale and exhale
--for this new year already starting out in a big way
--for getting me...and forgiving me...growth is grand