Reminded Everyday...

--for the Creator & She, and the the breath they allow to fill these lungs
--for the nights the words will not let me sleep
--for reconnecting with my beautiful cousins, nice to know as long as i have been looking for you...you have been looking for me
--for taylor bringing all her grades up and having more confidence in math now YEAH!
--for the sanctuary of my bedroom...and peace of mind
--for real talk...because i love you
--for writing poems together just for her
--for being that excited lil boy...u r too cute
--for you trusting me with your heart
--for a lil bit of sunshine on the dark days
--for just hanging out and being silly girl
--for the addiction of text twist
--for good books and good music
--for paying attention to the feeling in my gut...sux..but necessary
--for those of you who care enough to well...care...thank you

Empower...

i had forgotten about this lil' gem of a book...

...empower yourself to take full and complete charge of your life. reclaim the personal power that you never should have lost in the first place--and come to know that you never really did. feel the breadth of your own power: the power to feel deeply, the power to trust your own voice, the power to create and bring forth life. learn the true meaning of power: how to use it and not abuse it; how to stand in your power without stepping on anyone else's. join with other women to empower each other. summon up the inner will to co-create meaningful and joy-filled lives. empower yourself to take control of your financial life and to prevent others for taking control of your emotional life. remember: you have the power to empower, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise has absolutely no power over you.--365 words of well-being for women by rachel snyder

'cause lately i am all over the place...

Stand in your own fragile skin and claim yourself...you are more resiliant than you care to believe.
-----------------
broken glass shards carve love notes in distorted reflections.
will she ever see herself the same again?
fingers tracing slowly,
the fault lines etched in her skin feel like home
-----------------------
tell me you give a damn
tell me i am your everything
that you are a better person having met me
that it matters i am here
tell me you give a damn
that we can start revolutions together
can create a love story to make even Valentino jealous
that we can make babies together
not literally...well if you want to...
lil creations and windstorms
growing into greatness
--------------------
there are no children here
their laughs and smiles broken
trampled in the grooves
of freedom's boot
innocence laid out
sacrificed unwillingly
------------------
locked yourself in a prison
with bars of cold duality metal confusion
borderline schizophrenia edging the cell
------------------
i don't care about your past
i need your future
---------------
release the past with grace
---------------------
raindrops fall
sounding like hollow tipped bullets
exploding against my head
as memories play like a silent movie
----------------
contained in the silver lining of your sweet tongue
-----------
i swallowed your pride
so you could save face
-----------------------
there will never be enough time....

Thankful Thursdays...

--for the Creator & She
--for fairies and their magic
--for fun fight parties
--for my kick ass card partner, we held it down once again
--for hugs, real ones...
--for hanging out with my family at the festival...felt good to laugh with you again
--for knowing this arrangement is the best for right now
--for the beautiful women of NeoSoul...i mean damn
--for one step closer to getting this business off the ground
--for making goals and sticking to them
--for more herbal tea, and less coffee
--for having internet connection again, may be sloww azz dialup but hey
--for 70 more days
--for KNOWING i am my own best friend and my own worse enemy...but love me nevertheless
--for watching her creativity unfold...apple doesn't fall too far from the tree i guess

My Own Insane Randomness

why is it when you think its really really good, it gets really really bad?

why has my procrastination bit me in the ass again and i was sitting at home last night while Lupe Fiasco was jamming on the mic....NO I DON"T WANT DETAILS PEOPLE...let me be in my own misery please

i know its winter, but i really need the sun to come out...i think i'm turning invisible...my mother is darker than me now people...come on!!

why is my father still living with us...Lord if its not too much to ask...bless him with a girlfriend he can move in with please...amen

why was Hilary standing up there at the debates facing Obama like she was the playground bully ready to throw down..face looking like "What! What!"...still undecided

why are women disappearing more and more these days in Mexico and South America...yet the only mention in the media is that of American white women?

why has my son outgrown his sister in the last 2 weeks, and i won't even mention his feet!!

why did my son have to tell his older sister what an orgasm was? um i had this talk already with them...good to know he was listening...guess we will have the talk again it seems

why was my application at sears tagged non rehirable...okay i know why...but come on shit its sears people....damn call center! and i was one of their top employees! not top enough i guess lol...got to laugh about it

why can't a damn good, well endowed penis come with an good man...they seem to always be attached to the bad boys lol..and i always find them....well sometimes they have lil ones...but hey makes it easier to walk away right...damn did i say that..uh huh

why is it when a bunch of women get together, laughing and having a good time...men think we are up to something, talking about them , all having sex with one another...oh and our laughter is deemed CACKLING?

why is it when you are close to me i want to pic you up and just give you the most passionate deepest kiss you have ever had...and wisk you away to some deserted island...but i am afraid of rejection

why do men want their cake and eat it too

damn i look good for months from 40...okay that was my ego talking

why is it when i want to change bad habits, all hell breaks loose and temptation is a mutha

ok...nuff for now

More than just Thursdays, ya know...

--for the Creator & She...thank you will never be enough, but i will say it every moment in this lifetime and the next.
--for breakdowns that cause build-ups
--for you not knocking the crap out of me, but your eyes did, when i called you a different name. saw him past by earlier and was looking down when ya passed, all i saw in my peripheral w/o looking up was locs....my apologies...you are sssso SO much cuter
--for him going back to school, and talking to me in the wee hours when ya should be doing homework smarty pants
--for the beauty of her smile, his laugh, her grace....damn i am a blessed mom
--for having serious talks, not all pretty, but still with love...its going to be okay you know that right?
--for starting new adventures within new books...title is "Getting Our Breath Back"...hmmm
--for cheese sticks and brownies, very healthy don't ya know lol
--for getting through the madness or is it we just contained it
--for the beautiful fairy print you gave me...she gets me
--for my big brothas checking on me...love ya'll
--for his excitement and calling me first...its going to work itself out for you too
--for seeing you two together....yummy lol
--for having connections and understandings beyond this superficial plane
--for the words that flow....it continues
--for better understanding...nuff said

its funny how new things and new paths can divert your attention on what truly needs to be taken care of...
it was fun though...smile
this heart was and will always be in need of attention...i just need to make sure i am the one looking after it FIRST

i am taking back my power

love still is a beautiful thing
in all shapes
forms
and colors
no matter the round hole it was squeezed into
i am a fierce woman
remember that shelle

I Breathe and Say Thank You...

--for this life i have been blessed with by the Creator & She
--for the words that come through me and my pen
--for still having the passion for what i love so much
--for the way he looks in me
--for the hours we created without speaking outloud...amazing
--for believing in what it can be
--for clarity, and getting through the yucky stuff
--for my son's only concern being his mommy...damn nothing like our bond
--for ktown, road trips no matter how short, and the 3 of us...priceless
--for a new year of finding and loving me...standing in my own FIERCENESS!!!
--for wanting the women in my life to do the same...take my hand
--for knowing its okay to want what you once had...but will it ever be the same..we only wish for better...we only wish for new paths...faith can be a powerful thing.
--for finally a closet to myself lol...now the purging begins
--for friends no matter how far away, that keep me in their hearts
--for beautiful blue skies, feeling the sunshine, and enjoying the shadows
--for forgiveness...taste sweet

To You

not overly poetic, but more of a free write.
for some reason...for some reason...i am here with you....

i wear your pain
like the necklace you placed on my neck
fingers trembling
scared to give away
what you have been so comfortable with
all these years
i will take your gift with care
so you will have less to bare...

feel you hang between my breasts
near beating heart
needing its next rhythm
like a baby in the womb
lulled to sleep in sweet waters
dream child dream

let the backs of wings carry you
from this chaotic state of mind
wrap you in serenity and peace of mind
find a new place to call home
did you truly ever have one my child?

fly far away from demons and elves
who are watching and deceiving
do not listen to their lies
jealous of your beautiful light
make you believe bleeding is the only way
make you believe death is home
they want to taste your greatness
they know the truth...
warrior...
your survival
is their demise
your survival
brings joy to the High One
they cannot allow His smile

He is able
teaching me to be able
so give me what you cannot bare
i will accept all gifts
travel this path together
sometimes i will go a few steps ahead
to clear the road
other times perhaps fall a few steps behind
to clear my mind
but whenever you think i am not there
just reach
and feel my hand.....

streaming sun rays warms my face
casting full length shadows across notebooks
writing their own story...

Out with the old, in with the new...thankful for it all

--for Creator & She...you brought me through...few scratches, scars, and wear and tear...but hey
--for a year of teaching moments and inner reflection...we going to be alright shelle
--for being alive still
--for what i know will be one helluva new year...i'm ready
--for no resolutions this year, just a year of continuous growth...emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually
--for opening my heart up more
--for listening to the inner voice more...and listening well
--for love, no matter how fleeting...still feels good
--for my children...how did i get to be so lucky...each so different but still lil extensions of me
--for all the beautiful women in my life...each amazing...thank you for teaching me to trust again
--for knowing what is for me...is for me...no worries
--for poetry and its saving grace

confessions of a stone cold freak...

these are the confessions of a stone cold freak
so strap yourself in
this is about to get wicked...
'cause dem high yella gals freaky, right?
and daddy's friend must of known too
because he was a lil' too eager to tuck her in at night
payment, for teaching her how to play "chopsticks" on the piano
she still hates that fucking song

learned early
her skin
her face
her voice
was of no value
except for the pure selfish satisfaction
of being an object of Desire
no pun intended
funny, daddy knew what to name his babygirl even at her debut
and folks like you
have been making sure she lived up to her name ever since

so want some of this?
it'll cost you
they gave eagerly
candy, ice cream, toy dreams
then fine dining and shopping sprees
its all the same
trinkets worthless
making less worth of self at a great cost

she did as she was told
because young ladies are to be seen not heard
soft voice pushed down between supple young thighs
fingers parting sweet flesh was the only language they wanted to hear
she spoke it fluently
glassy eyed doll seen too much
closets and basements full of secrets
skeletons hung around way past Halloween

didn't want to be around certain neighbors
certain babysitters
whose gaze lingered a lil' too long
folks didn't understand her anger
her silence
her rebellion
thought she was just being a brat
not realizing she was already spoiled

kept the haunting of Christmas past
tucked neatly away in shiny new buster brown shoes
walked in hard daily
wearing down the soul

(need better transition here...)

traded one house of horrors for another
the beautiful monster
who painted her skin in different hues
changed the color of her eyes daily
pieces of man
shattered woman
split self
split wrists
in order to survive

had to relearn to rebend her neck
hold her head up high
shoulders squared
heart fierce
knowing she was...
good enough to fuck
but not to love
enough to play house
but not be the house
enough to store babies
but not birth them
enough to be seen
but not protect

so go ahead, call her what you like
for she is so much more than the words written into her existence
or into your gossip
you don't know her
you don't truly see her
all you see is this...
and this...
and hear this...
labeled
boxed
judged
condemned
for confessions of a stone cold freak
'cause dem high yella gals freaky, right?

it seems,though some light has come into my life...its funny how the darkness demands to be heard...so, i will let it speak..it is time. i am in a good place, so don't worry about me...interesting how he brings this forth. demands i look truly @ the reflection.

so much history etched beneath skin
so deep
bruises have yet to surface
yet to color her earth tone skin
even the veins reach for healing
returning to its origin to no avail
with each breath
with each scream
with each sigh
wrote a prayer once in the bend of her wrists
blood bled like rosary beads at her feet
"hail Mary, full of grace...
it has been 39 years since my last confession...
forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
39 years since her mother's screams anointed her crown
turning back is not an option
crows have gorged from the morsels of pain left behind
path never the same
nor remembered
she is her mother's daughter
yet never really knowing a daughter's mother
shell's of maternal women with no instincts
there was no handbook for this
how does a child become a woman,
healthy and full?
she doesn't really
the dress will always be soiled no matter what
tattered at the seams
many masks worn
many walls built
rooms without doors or windows to breathe
hides in shadows the sun refuses to seep into
self preservation at its finest
......

Blessed I know...

--for the Creator & She and their amazing Grace...maaaan!
--for the fact you made it through the crash a lil bruised and sore...but still here
--for recognizing it was you before i knew it was you, and laughing in the cold
--for phone calls and funny text messages...growth
--for the way he looks at me, despite myself
--for a house of laughter, making it easier to forget
--for the smiles on my babies faces...they make it all worth it ya know
--for words coming still...how can i say no? i don't
--for being okay with decisions made
--for my girl loving being home, i can hear her laughing from here.
--for waking up to beautiful sunrises next to you and not caring about a damn thang!
--for learning the new language you speak...be patient with me for i am afraid of what i want the most
--for blessings raining down at the last minute...He is ALWAYS on time...i dare you to say otherwise
--for some very special ladies in my life..Lisa and Trice you are incredible...there are no words
--for knowing we women are so much more alike than we are different, right babygirl?
--for watching the creativity bloom in her hands
--for new paths...so new, its hard to find my footing
--for the need of the mic tonight...not speaking, but listening...but plans of changed...again everything for a reason
--for 100 days from Christmas Day to my 40th..wow
--for a shedding of skin even though it hurts
--for a challenge i have made to myself...and the passion, power, discipline, prayers to keep it!!

got 10 minutes left on the computer......

i tip toe thru spaces within
too small for even my shadow to dwell
playing hide-n-seek with reality
come get me
yeah you
don't worry about me
i will get over myself
cause the underneath hurts
but life gotta way of doing that ya know
so now what?
million dollar questions
hope to pay dividends
split stocks
split selves
not enough to go around
feed back into me
starving on what i give
no nourishment
flavor is different
in need of seasoning
just to swallow
taste funny
always does with something new
maybe the thud in the pit of my stomach is trying to tell me something...
pray i listen and take heed

odd place this is to be...

Um yeah...

--for Creator & She...i must be careful what i ask for, i just might of got it.
--for new beginnings, and shedding the old...i am sorry
--for 12 hours straight on the phone, and it still wasn't enough
--for giggles and laughs until it hurt...like um are we suppose to do that at such an intimate moment lol
--for eating bomb azz sandwiches with blueberry hot tea..in warm socks and tshirts
--for interesting chess games...very interesting
--for you reaching out
--for his new car...yeah big brotha b...sometimes life pushes you to long needed action
--for long walks and christmas lights...don't you just love this time of year
--for family
--for sunshine going home..enjoy ma
--for the tears that water the flowers that will soon bloom
--for the words you speak and the ones your eyes scream
--for the lovely women in my life...i have learned, and continue to learn so much
--for leaping out on faith...try to catch me if the wings don't work ok?
--for my brothers, even if not by blood, checking on me...how did i get so lucky?

look here
within
places i don't see
but obviously you do
choices i have made
not to observe
protects me
ignorance is bliss
right?
i have been here before with you
different time, different place
same heartache

darkness seeks light not to destroy
but to help it find its way
then to posses
you see that
watching me
studying me
praying that i see
i do

i have walked into the lion's den
conversations spoken without words
eyes piercing the impenetrable
you do not have to fight here
i came willingly relinquishing self
honor this temple you enter often
for it is your saving grace


peace

Thankful.....

--for the Creator & She and sustaining Grace
--for dismissed cases....YEAH!!
--for cold days, though this can't make up its mind weather is driving me nuts...i'll take the cold, no rain, for 200 Alex
--for close library's with internet
--for yummy omelets from a crazy place called The Omelettry...seriously lol
--for babygirl and all the new possibilities...don't you dare feel guilty for your taking charge of your own happiness
--for understanding the pain you are going through...unfortunately our circles are small...but love is big
--for great goodwill finds and my decorating hands
--for inspiration
--for not having to hear you talk about yourself ever again lol...and you probably don't have a clue
--for jessica playing in my hair...quality time together can be so beautiful...sigh she has grown so much
--for her saying she WANTS to go back to school next year...thank GOD
--for the way my puppy Theo keeps me laughing and how he needs to be no further than 5ft away from me at all times...my dog for sure
--for giving myself 90 days to get it together...90 days!!!!!
--for new pieces flowing...already working on 2 more...the poet gods are being generous...thank you thank you!
--for slamming again against some good poets...great show
--for seeing how funny you are on the mic, missed ya hosting lady...good job
--for good chocolate...nothing like it

What's Been Going On....

well...
-internet is down @ home, so i'm at the library...reasons for no posts of late
-working on few new pieces..one in particular is maddening...timed at 4min 22 seconds...hell that won't work at all...hate slicing my baby dammit
-headed to antone's tonight to see Ms Faylita do the damn thang...she made it to the top 5 on famecast...like wow
-moving closer and closer to personal goals...let you know when i've arrived lol
-uhhh its December already, how did that happen
-my eating is out of control...must be making up for lack of sex...yeah i said it...acknowledging is half the battle right...i'm stupid
-slowly making my way back to legal as well hahaha, license reinstated YES!!
-still making beautiful different jewelry....cough cough that will make GREAT christmas gifts...holla!
-decorating for the holidays...uh again how did december get here so fast
-missing you
-detesting you
-loving me
-there ya go, continued blessings
peace out

Thank you....

always be grateful. give thanks for all that you have, no matter how little or how much that may be. thank your grandmother for wonderful cheekbones, thank your fourth-grade teacher for getting you that special book on how bridges are built. when you get through another day, say Thank you to God or Goddess or whoever you believe is in charge. be thankful for the music that leaves make when tickled by a warm breeze; be thankful for rain. when your promotion comes through, say Thank you. when a friend lets you sleep on her sofa because you can't be anywhere else, say Thank you. be thankful that you have two arms and legs that work. if you don't, be thankful you still have a heart with which to give thanks.
--rachel snyder 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

...oh and i am! the house is finally quiet. leftovers are dwindling. it is cold and rainy outside. feeling warm and melancholy inside.
therefore, i want to say a few thank you's to some folks who have touched my life..whether briefly, long term, past, present, or whatever way...everything for a reason...each teaching moments, if you pay attention.
I know i am truly blessed for each of you...my heart is full.
--for Creator & She, sustaining and protecting me from seen and unseen, for blessing me endlessly
--for Grandmother Jewel, you were/are my cornerstone in this life. my everything. thank you for being what my parents lacked. thank you for your strong deep roots growing through me, even today.
--for my family, far and near...may be small, may be dysfunctional, but you are me, and i am you...still a family, still love
--for my children, thank you for being my reasons times 3...you make me laugh 'til it hurts, cry sometimes, smile everyday...thank you for completing me
--for tarik, our first thanksgiving apart in 16yrs...wow...thank you for the wings you help to grow, thank you for always having my back and being my cheerleader, thank you for being a great father, thank you for the real love so long ago. i know we wish things were different, but know you will always be my best friend. i love you
--for "g" thank you for wanting to create life with me...just wasn't in the cards
--for "sc" thank you for the dangerously in love passion...destiny...thank you for teaching me so much about me.
--for lisa, thank you for being a praying friend and kicking me in the azz when i needed it...thank you for your realness sis and knowing it is all love
--for my neosoul family...wow...what do i say...nothing like being a souljah, sharing stages, sharing words, laughs, tears, pain, and most of all love for the passion of poetry. thank you for recreating who it is i am...
--for my extended neo family and poets met along the way, thank you for your words, your friendships, your pushing the envelope, for making me want to grow as a writer and performer...
--for sarah, thank you for keeping me laughing, the teaching moments, the craziness, for being my partner in crime, for fuzzy slippers, for letting me be w/o the makeup.
--for ebony, thank you for being the beautiful, "i don't give a damn"(but i know you do)gully babygirl that you are, thank you for you and i always being able to say "Look, dammit!" and being able to work it out. thank you for letting me see the vulnerable you which is just as beautiful.
--for brian, thank you for being my big brotha from day one, thank you for the stepping out on faith road trip, for the big heart and big smile, thank you for the strong shoulders and knowing when things just not right. love ya
--for jo, joey, josephine, ms scrumptious, thank you for letting your home be the first place my wings landed, for girl talk, for your huge huge giving heart, for being able to see the growth through the pain, for allowing me to be part of the newness (hell yes!)thank you for always making me stutter lol, thank you for creating such a beautiful poet and poem.
--for kim, thank you for being on helluva a card partner, for seeing and feeling we might be getting it right away from the table, thank you for the teaching moments, for the knowing looks lol, for creating such beautiful pictures with your words, thank you for gentle pushes and encouragement.
--for herman & june, thank you for having a spot that changed my life, that gave me huge wings, that constantly challenges me, that covers and warms me like grandmother's quilt, thank you for believing in me...never enough thank you's
--for evan, thank you for being the fellow aries who just gets me, for the late night writing sessions, for random photos on my camera, and helping me take my big girl pills, thank you for making me feel we have known one another forever...neoooooo!
--ummm for me, thank you for forgiving yourself for the past, well most of it, for growing, enjoying, living, trusting, healing, loving, believing again...love every moment girl, fly as high as you can...fall, then fly again.
--for anyone who feels they should of been named personally, but is not...i'm sorry, don't take it personally...each one and so many are woven throughout my life, some unraveled, some worn, some deeper than others, but still all connected...together a beautiful tapestry called I
so thankful for such a long list