I Dare You!

today, i threw away the scale.
do you know how unbelievably liberating that is, for a woman?

DAMMMMMMMIIIITTTT!!!!
i missed my beloved Jono's graduation, circumstances beyond my control...still SUX though...but damn proud of you baby! Cali ain't ready!!

Amanda Johnston will be featuring tonight @ Resistencia Bookstore, 7pm
1801-A South First Street...there will be an open mic as well, plus its FREE!
Sharon Bridgforth will be performing there saturday, 6pm.
we must support outside of our own, so i'm trying to go myself.

SARK:
we must insist on succulence!
our lives are too rich and rare to have less.
growing can be uncomfortable, loud, unfamiliar, and feel perilous to our underdeveloped personality selves.
growing involves breaking out of cages, boxes, stereotypes, categories, and captivity.
it involves standing tall, laughing loudly, and being WHO we really are.
and my fav:
growing means letting go of what others will think, of narrow possibilities, of tight clothes and uncomfortable shoes.
it means, accepting power, telling the truth, creating miracles, and making the most alive choices.
YES!
now if i can just keep reminding myself....cause in the next 5 minutes i will soon forget.

so coach is requiring we venture out into the world to slam at other venues. believe me he wastes no time getting down to business...he is FABULOUS!
Big Brotha B started it off hitting Sam' s Burger Joint in SA., it is one of the least poet friendly joints around...crowd can be harsh. some of my fav's come from there too though...like Ria and Vocab
anyway, B came in second right behind Shaggy!!!!!
Lil sis is soooooo proud!!
coach with gentle nudging..smile...asked if i would hit Ego's. one of my goals is to get out of my comfort zone, so i obliged.
wow. i did it!
came in second! the great Shannon Leigh beat me by a 10th of a point.
its hard to belive this fantastic poet is only 18yrs old!! i mean her words come from a very old soul.
by the way, next wednesday, she will be featuring at Ego's plus having a going away party. she will be leaving for atlanta. going to college, and trying to bring new life to the poetry scene out there. i told her she will definitely raise the bar.
It was Neo Soul's Anniversary last night. wow. i can never say enough how we have some of the best poet's around to walk thru those doors.
and the journey continues...

Just Stuff

what are we really fighting about?
i miss you terribly...

some SARK:
radical self acceptance--stop working on self, and just immerse yourself in where you are right now! with all the flaws and faults.
drench yourself in self-kindness--we are very good at shining kindness outward. but if we ask how kind are we to ourselves? we would probably cry
nourish from the inside--satisfy your hunger for:
spirituality (what does it look like?)
intimate connection (how does it feel?)
creative expression (are you free?)
physical movement (can you move?)
conscious breathing (let breath heal you)
being of service (how?)
--------
this is my week of no meat consumption. i have already cut out the red meat, but this week no chicken or seafood, or pork for that matter...the other white meat.
my family thinks i'm off my rocker...true, been that way for awhile
went to whole food yesterday for lunch and to just explore. love that place.
it is a shame what is good for you is much pricier than what is bad for you...i swear it is a conspiracy. i'm doing it though, because the longterm outlook is much much better.
hopefully i will be able to reverse some of the damage already done.
so if this is a good week, i will continue it thru the next.

i haven't done much in the garage lately, trying to clear that much needed space. for my creative side, for my inside.
i am blocking myself again. must work on that.

i fell asleep outside on the most glorious oversized pillows
watched light bugs talk to one another and stars twinkle
wished on stars
woke up to candy cotton skies, and dew kissed face...or were they tears?

Saturday

the sun ran across the sky
to give us some peace
we came together slowly
under stars
soft moon globes
cast even softer glows
upon rich faces
eased stresses
laughs shared
words spoken
familiar and new
words true
food
for all
for the soul
connections
family
friends
love
is good
is good

a woman's intuition is a muthafucka
i hate this time i'm right
u confirmed without even realizing it
and u...my love...are as predictable as 1996
future forecast: smells like a storm is coming
oh how i need the sunshine back.

just sharing

Was up really early today, too early for my taste. i am such a night owl...but part of my 90 days to a better me.
i think i'm still floating from wednesday!! but not for long, our first practice is this sunday. Mike already has great ideas for us. can't wait! so excited, okay i'll stop. sorry.
Still reading SARK, this is jumping out at me right now:
Faces Of Intimacy....
nobody tells us as lil girls that we may fall in love and have moments of hating our beloved, or have ridiculus arguments at 2am over something neither person understands.
called "the nuance of annoyance", all the tiny and large things they do that annoy you, come forward. (all the things we ignored or thought were cute at one time, hmmm, drives me f***ing nuts now)
we are not taught "intimate negotiations"--involves adjustment, compromise, integrity, truth telling, options, willingness, and heart*full listening. (my stubborn ass)
the common goal should be UNION...she goes on to say, i either isolate myself, or try to "take over" with loud suggestions, detailed directions, and rigid ideas... my goal is frequently being right. ( my way dammit)
emotional storms pass thru me frequently and since i generally try to resist most feelings as soon as i feel them, they tend to get stuck, be projected, or hoarded for attack later. (working on the resisting and projection part for sure)
we must communicate less out of our heads and more from our hearts.
we need to understand ourselves intimately before we can recognize all the "faces of intimacy" and the many forms it takes.
(this one is a big one for me, since i am such a romantic) let go of romantic expectations and embrace new, tender, intimate moments that appear in ways never imagined.
"intimacy happens in moments. the mistake we make is in wanting it all the time."
---jo ann magdoff
i think this is good advice that can be carried over into other relationships as well.
until then....

The Day After...

still can't believe it
tears...of joy...of damn
bittersweet outcome
left my heart up on that stage
felt grandmother smiling
words from a queen i will never forget
my big brotha b...u were simply amazing
joe b...i got you...always
kim...we are going to be ok, baby
its ok to be scared
jo...your hugs and words pulled me through
breathe
just breathe
now the work begins
lets enjoy every moment
learn from one another
continue to grow

ITS WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!

okay so been waiting for this day to get here, and here we go!
Started freaking the hell out last night!! Tarik was washing my back and trying to calm me down...after 20 of my "but "statements, he learned to just be quiet and let me talk LOL.
couldn't sleep
can't eat
on my 2nd pot of coffee
will have a serious caffeine induced coma soon i'm sure
damn pimple on my nose
i think i'm going to puke
i think i'm going to pee on myself
probably well on my way of doing both, hopefully not on stage
going hoarse trying to bring the volume and all the practicing
have changed my pieces a million times, and probably a million more times before i get on stage
can't believe i'm here
fucking excited
can't breathe
breathe
butterfly has many children inside...would u sit the hell down in there!
okay im talking to myself
i need a drink..okay just one
i need a toke...uh no
rolled 2 up, but too nervous to smoke lol...save for afterwards
that stage is going to be so damn hot tonite, we will leave only ashes!!
okay going to go pee AGAIN!
Good luck tonight to all, and i love ya...to hell with the niceities...tonight i'm knocking some mofos out the ring!!
much love

90 Days to a Better Me

so i guess i'm following a lil of Mo's footsteps, and some things i need to continue doing anyway. calling it 90 days to a better me. started may 8th, got a lil sidetrack recently, but reconnected with myself last night. its all good in the neighborhood.
something so peaceful about sleeping under the stars on a cool night....well before my siberian husky wanted to join me on the giant pillow...she sheds!!
anyway, i meditated for awhile, let some things go, took in some things, talked to God and the universe.....then saw a fallen star.
yep, on the right track!
I have cut out red meat, and something weird is happening with the resto of the meats...looking really gross lately! guess that is a good thing, since i eventually want to cut out all of it anyway....long ways down the line though.
i am so much older now, and i have got to take care of what i put in this body.
--so better eating, eventually get to what the earth provides from its ground only.
--meditation daily.
--some form of exercise at least 30min. daily.
--write daily in journal
--investigate the dark places, you know the ones we avoid feeling or dealing with
--cradle the pieces in me that are wounded or crippled...watch them soften and transform (reading Succulent Wild Woman by SARK....wonderful!!)
--get back in touch with my creative self...i was a helluva artist at one time...got to find that again
--lots more details, but this is the meat(eww, i meant lettuce lol) of it...and i believe if i stick to it, i will be a better mother for my children and a better woman to him.
So there ya go..
until next time...

Happy Mother's Day

i didn't get a chance to make my rounds yesterday, the family was out of town for the weekend...so a day late, but heart still in it ya know.
so i hope it was a blessed day for all, whether you have kids of your own or take care of others as if your own...Happy Mother's Day!
i held my 3wk old niece for the first time
her beautiful brown skin, teensy tiny fingers, and angelic face just made me tear up and my womb ache. i held her so long, everybody was like you are going to spoil her...SOOOOOOOOO WHAT!! she is 3 wks old! lol
anyway, said a silent prayer for her, then laid her down on her satiny pink blanket..oh did i mention she was already sporting nikes LOL...OMG!!

It is true
I was created in you.
It is also true
That you were created for me.
I owned your voice.
It was shaped and tuned to soothe me.
Your arms were molded
Into a cradle to hold me, to rock me.
The scent of your body was the air
Perfumed for me to breathe.
---------Maya Angelou

Writing Lab at Bfran's con't...

Subject: When A Poet Cries
words: trouble, alien, tomato, women, attack, washboard, oatmeal, melt, overjoyed, moment....

She cries alone
behind closed doors
of a troubled soul
with no keys
rice paper transperancy
on stiff upper lips
blindness chosen
to those with no eyes
so she chooses not to melt for them
saves that moment for intimate moments
with no one
trying to soothe life's attacks in warm liquids
for her injuries make the water run
as red as tomatoes
smashed against brick walls
split wide
spilt seeds
of womanhood never planted
her tears fill the spaces
alien smiles cannot,
reverberate like small tsunamis
in grooves of grandmother's washboard
back and forth she rocks
trying to wash the stains away
leaving life a lil' thinnner
a lil' easier to tear
she keeps the smile
on her face to face
what's outside her doors
overjoyed like overcooked oatmeal
both turning cold
if left unattended
for too long.

For Today...and Hopefully From Now On

Give me strength to live another day
Let me not turn coward before its difficulties, or prove recreant to its duties
Let me not lose faith in other people
Keep me sweet and sound of heart, in spite of ingratitude, treachery, or meaness
Preserve me from mining lil stings or giving them
Help me to keep my heart clean, and to live so honestly and fearlessly that no outward failure can dishearten me or take away the joy of conscious integrity
Open wide the eyes of my soul that i may see good in all things
Grant me this day some new vision of thy truth
Inspire me with the spirtit of joy and gladness
and make me the cup of strength to suffering souls
in the name of the strong Deliverer, our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

B Fran's Writing Lab...phase 1

Poetry is...picked the words piece, know, around, and cry

Poetry is like water
contains the essence of life
feeds and nourishes the body
without either
i cannot exist
my pen knows me
better than
i know myself
always keeping me in check
within myself
poetry will cry for me
when i won't allow a single tear to fall
it rebuilds
piece by piece
redraws lines to cross
pushing past boundaries and stereotypes
i and soceity have created
like water it pulls me deep
rehydrating hungry cells around my world
poetry is my baptism.
_______________________

Poetry is nothing to be played with
do not take it lightly
for it will haunt heavily
will have you crying from places
thought locked away
will have you up all night
trying to write a piece
refusing to let you sleep
words and phrases will seep around
thru ether spheres like whisps of ghosts
ever fleeting
you will become poetry's pawn
hopefully not writers block's queen
a game without rules
so play at your own risk
create pieces to play with
but do not temp poet gods with trangressions
knowingly place words of sacrifice
with respect
and simple truth
parchment lines will be rewarded with treasures beyond belief

it rained a lil harder today

kind words
bounce off deaf ears
inside thick heads
extended hand
cut at the wrist
no longer able
to embrace

double edge sword
a lil to the left
cut thru chambers
filled with sunshine
spilled into cavities
heating blood
rotting flesh
a lil to the right
easier to extract
wounds would of healed
eventually

instead
alcohol poured from lips into
scabs picked open
dug into holes
never knew existed
bone marrow exposed
indiscretions covered up
secrets of dishonesty
lie dormant
unless awakened

wise poet once said, "i choose to walk alone"
now i understand.

she falls
arms can't grasp
reaching for herself
antogonistic tendacies
her hell freezes over
skating on thin ice
razor sharp tongue shoes
unable to bare the pain
she outlines her world in eights
a dance repeated too often
with no partner
only the howling sounds of yesterday
heard thru the trees
snowflakes fall
she stretches arms wide
mouth even wider
trying to taste uniqueness

My Brother

i have a half brother, well let me rephrase that...
i have an older brother
the branches of our tree may have crossed,
but we still are of the same fruit
so, my big brother loves vw beetles
ever since he was a kid he had a fascination for them
it started with just one
saved his money to buy one old and beat up, broken down bug
took it apart piece by piece, seeing what made it tick
what was wrong with it
then would put it back together again
always better than before
soon the garage would spill over with his tinkering
parts everywhere
but somehow always knew where they went and to what car
he constantly came up with grand ideas for winning contests and making money
he loved building rockets and just being the bad boy
i don't know if it was out of rebellion or out of pain
at the age of 3, he had to relearn names
grandmother was now mommy
mommy was now sister
and i was now neice, though i wasn't born yet
he learned quickly what deception meant
even at the tender age of 3
when he should of felt unconditional love
bitterness and anger painted his lil boy room in the perfect shade of blue
he quickly became my favorite uncle
showed me fascinating things
taught me how to play secret games in the basement
he never played them though when grandma was around
he wasn't a bad kid
just disconnected, missing parts like his cars
alcohol and drugs became the lubricant
but no matter how many times he pulled himself apart
he could never put all the pieces back together
better
and it didn't matter how much money he made
he could never afford his own self worth
its been awhile since we've talked to one another
cards are sent with i love you's and pictures
showing just how much life keeps going
whether you choose to live it or not
the last time i saw him was a few years ago,
the pain still lingering just behind his eyes
he constantly ran his fingers thru his hair
as if trying to brush the past away
we never spoke of basement games out loud
we clasped hands like his was a lock and mine were the key
'forgive me' hung tightly to his lashes
soft blinks pryed them free
each word fell gently into our lock and key
we rolled the yesterdays up with some weed
looked at the stars
pondering the meaning of it all
and smoked it away
even if it was temporary
several times he has tried to reconnect with our mother

he has heard the rooster crow much too often

as she wears the skin of Judus in the lining of her coat
to shield her from the bitterly cold Canadian winds
the umbilicus has been severed
i understand now why he seemed so angry
why he loved and hated me all at once
i got to go home with his mommy
and she never looked back
because if she had
she would have had to face her reflection in those beautiful angry eyes of his
and she would of seen herself splinter into a million shards of regret
but he would of scooped every piece in his hands
ignoring the pain piercing his flesh
would of spent hours trying to put her back together again
this time better
this time holding his hand too

Today

today i hate him
hate these 4 walls
closing in
hate it all
hate myself for believing in love
hate i wear rose colored sunglasses even on cloudy days
far too long
for far too many people
hate i came thru doors too soon
when i hadn't closed the others behind me
hate he is safe
death still comes
just more slowly
more painful
hate routine
hate going thru the motions
to hide true emotions
for them
mothers must make great sacrifices
wish mine had
so is she still my mother?
bored with this life
hate he never stimulates my mind
nor my body
today i just want to stay hidden
under green leaves
and hibiscus petals
fold these wings
that are still too wet
too delicate
retreat into a cocoon much too small for me now
i pray tomorrow i will catch a breeze