Yep....

--for the Creator & She, and of course Grace
--for my family...in whatever form that comes, by blood or by words
--for my beautiful supercalifragilisticexpialidocious children...amazing, and MINE!!
--for protecting hands in my hair
--for late night chats of understanding
--for this grand lovely skin i am in...sho fit nice
--for those who stop by this blog...known and unknown, and those who peek
--for new paths, new journeys, new eyes
--for stepping away from the competition of it all...and being fine with that
--for business plans coming into view
--for earl grey tea on cold nights
--for loving you...despite you...i pray for your healing
--for the lion that roars, but i know better
--for dancing to the good ol' oldies
--for the shoutout in myspace world...brothers are doing some things
--for just being still...shhhh listen to what the wind whispers...you are never alone
--for a really nice afternoon @ starbucks with him...he is so excited...i am too about making a difference
--for another nice moment with my mom @ starbucks (lol) hanging with her on her birthday...much needed, and another layer peeled away...getting there
--for overseas called received, glad he is safe another day
--for all the wonderful women in my life..aren't we incredible!!!

Let It Be

i know i may be too open or too revealing on these public electronic forums, at times; but i believe sometimes it can help others...my story, though out there, is not just mine...and anybody going through anything remotely similar will understand, even benefit somehow.
yes there are those who will nod or shake their heads in agreement or disagreement, and even those who will be empathetic, but there will also be those who will sit in judgement (even those who truly love me).
it truly is okay, lol but i will say this.....

this is my journey, my path, my steps, my life
it takes great courage to walk in my shoes, what i write here and in my poetry is but a glimpse of me...
glimpse meaning, you are on the outside.
outside looking in...never able to see the totality of the situation
you see what your eyes see, and we all know it is a perception...your reality of my situation.
you may think you have the "right" answers...but again, those are your answers for a perception of a reality you have never lived.
i do take all ideas, concerns, and even the haters (got to love the haters), wrap it up in a nice lil jagged pill and swallow...but at the end of the day, it is i who has to deal with me.
lately (past year or so), i have been doing pretty good with me
being comfortable in my own skin and finding out who this beautiful lady is...i like me a whole lot.
i am one of the oddest people i know, and guess what...i am fine with that. i date men in their 20's, love women with a passion, drink good vodka and smoke lots of good weed. my spirit is restless, and sometimes i listen and throw caution to the wind...and ride that bitch until i grow tired of that too.
i do crazy things...but perhaps that is a huge difference between me and them...I DO!...i refuse to be boxed into any situation, even if others think it is the "right" thing to do or think i am being selfish in my actions. i have lived life in that manner, after awhile it will slowly kill your spirit.
i can show you the scars to prove it, if you don't believe me.

i am trying one more time on this relationship with him, key word i am trying....so far to go, but it starts with one step..and i have taken that step, looking forward to the next one, though not quite sure where that particular step will land...but ready for it.
we are not married...not sure why i said that, but needed to be said.
like mentioned in a previous blog, just want to make sure everything was tried...but it is hard to try everything, when possibly it may be one sided or not enough. we will see right?
i will not settle for mediocrity or "just for the kids"...what does that teach them, really?
ready for this journey though...my journey, my path, my steps, my life

that kind of love we seek is possible though...i have tasted it before...and oh how sweet it was, and can still be...let it be


let it be
like a spring day on a winter's morning
new life through stagnancy and hibernation
warm suns awakening and laughing in the face of last sunsets
let it be
like roses beyond the normal color of red
simplicity and purity of Calla lilies
the wildness and originality of nature's fields
run with me through it
barefoot and free
let it be
better love
expected rain to water the seeds of faith
coaxed germination with soft kisses and talk beyond pillows
intertwined roots for foundational strength
heaven bound branches to hold rope swings and playful houses
play make-believe until fantasy becomes reality
be my king, my prince, my jester, my lifetime
i be your queen, your princess, your lady in waiting, your eternal
let it be
secrets written in the book of life
incantations fingered into magic
creating new "once upon a time's" on our time
and "lived happily ever after" even after
let it be
not forgotten
not safe
not for any other reason but ours
let it be
a better love

it is crazy feeling the way that i do about life right now, specifically my relationship with this jazz man.
i will not lie about it, i am scared to death...trying to work things out, and wondering if it is the right thing to do...will it work...will things that need to be changed actually change, or remain the same...am i settling...will i or he screw it up???
questions, questions, questions, run rampant through my mind, and i am desperately trying to silence the voices of self doubt.
like i said...i am scared to death
i still consider my self single, and he does too...because neither one of us wants to jump right in...though i may have jumped the gun just a bit.
i love the man, never has been a doubt; and i know he loves me...i have never doubted that fact either.
the serious conversations have started, and i hope they continue...we are worth it...my family is worth it.
so again, please keep us in your prayers
if we realize this is not working, well, we want to walk away knowing we did all we could of done to try to make it work...and that is all i want...to make sure i tried everything.
love can carry one a great distance

What a Great day for more than one reason

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!

KEEPING IT ON THE DL (LOL)

He Loves Me....Still

looking back into the archives, i found this...and i began to cry...good cry though.
we are going to try it again, work on this love we have had for so many years...just wanted to share...because we will need your prayers as well.
time to stop playing...time to heal...time to grow...time to love like never before


my jazz man,
loved me enough when i didn't love me
when i didn't love him
saved memories and morsels
w/in the grooves of melodies
to be played repeatedly
until i heard for the first time
again
let his butterfly float on the winds of change
until home's colors were painted just right
for the world's hues were becoming too heavy for wings to carry
hung blossoms around the door to beckon me home
encircled in love's cocoon
there he brought out his collection for me to hear
saved memories and morsels escaped from the grooves
floated up to my ears
and danced back into my heart
my jazz man
loved me enough
to hold on....

Home Is Where My Heart Belongs, but Still Grateful...

--for Grace, the Higher Powers, and She
--for this eye opening experience on this tour
--for much self reflection
--for missing home, my dog, my kids, my family, my tarik more than i ever thought i would....and them missing me too
--for realizing its time to stop playing
--for his arms waiting to hold me
--for tears of love
--for the voices of my children...none like it
--for rising moons and setting suns..and able to witness it on a long stretch of nevada highway at the same time
--for landscapes so breathtaking
--for the power and awesomeness of the Grand Canyon...maaaan!!
--for the folks we have met along the way
--for really missing my neo family and writing labs
--for the 3 of us on this journey together
--for our denver family...ayinde, laquita, and mamma...be still my heart
--for my friends who miss me and send me lil notes of inspiration
--for my life...wouldn't change anything right now...but changes are coming...good ones indeed
--for the love that i have always wanted....right in front of my face...yeah..and duh
--for clarification and verification
--for we might just get it right this time huh
--for the wonderfulness of me...i love me and all my quirkiness

Remembering What I Am Thankful 4...

--for my life, even with all its ups n downs, twists n turns...it is still mine that i am truly blessed with..and i get to recreate daily
--for my children...man i done good
--for my family...dysfunctional and all...still family
--for my neofamily...dyfunctional and all...lol...we are still family ever growing...ever stronger
--for the new kids on the block...thank you for reminding me why i love this shiznitt
--for leos and virgos....taught/teaching me so much about this woman
--for love past, love lost, love gained, love possibilities...sigh i am patient
--for all the teaching moments, no matter how painful...no regrets
--for my #1 fan...thank you will never be enough...just wish, well i just wish...
--for the experience tour....it has indeed already been an experience..and my road dawgs are great lol
--for cool evenings and far away stars to dream upon
--for every inhale and exhale
--for this new year already starting out in a big way
--for getting me...and forgiving me...growth is grand

The Experience....

-soooo, friday afternoon received word the venue had been cancelled...mind you, we drove to NO for this gig...and because of prior commitments would drive back friday night....i was a lil leery at first, but it all checked out. broke the news to my fellow poets...but we were ok with it, and knew it would all work out...and it did...made a phone call to another contact...bam 2 more gigs...no worries. made the needed phone calls...some folks were not happy. then realized, uh oh, only packed for a couple of days...
-did the tourist thing, hit the french quarters...man sin city is an understatement...bourbon was too much even in the middle of the afternoon...
-found a great lil dive on one of the side streets (always go off the beaten path folks) playing jazz and cover songs...some stranger grabbed faye and started dancing as soon as we walked in...guy playing the guitar and singing looked ALOT like Blackula....ya'll don't nothing about that oldie? hey we are in New Orleans, stranger things have happened
-did lots of driving and sightseeing and getting lost..repeat on the lost and driving and sightseeing...one more time repeat on the lost, driving and sightseeing
-drove further into the neighborhood, well what was left of it, and realized we were face to face with the levee...we had been close to the 9th ward the whole time...i could not control the emotions that flooded my being, like these streets once had been. i wanted to run and beat on that wall...i was so overcome with tears, anger and sorrow...didn't expect it...the car was silent for a very long time. the things our eyes saw was beyond comprehension...kept shaking my head asking why? why 3 years later and it still looks like this? yet the tourist areas and the higher economical areas....what hurricane?
-the people in these devastated areas are taking care of their own, for no outside help is coming for them. still. no help, but they have each other.
-the military police still roam the streets...marinate on that for a minute
-the people do what they can, when they can; even if its working late into the night with only a generator to show some light (we saw this).
-still trailers in driveways of houses that no longer exist, or look like empty shells, cars abandoned, streets in much need of repair...yet amongst all of this a few children still find the time to play basketball with a makeshift goal. i smile.
-our first feature was @ the Red Star Galleries, nestled in a lil corner of heaven...all the business in this triangle area were black owned. BEAUTIFUL! from a creole woman-owned coffee shop called Black Coffee, a rasta shop starting a clothing line (but the rastas inside look like a front for the militant revolution-seriously), a vinyl record store...yes i said vinyl...the youngings in the car couldn't understand my enthusiasm lol...there were more, but those stood out
-we rocked it neosoul proud style! they usually have visual artists that come through, being only a month new, we were the first official spoken word artists that featured there. nice huh? got some new ideas and some new folks to add to the extended family
-next night's feature was across the Crescent City Connection bridge, you remember the bridge...when folks tried to escape, they were turned away by armed police and military...yeah that bridge.
-the lovely Asia Rainey, man she is stunning in person, helps run a community center in Westbank, called the Craig Cultural Center, just a few months old...again the need for taking care of one's own...and they do.
-we were truly blessed and blown away by some of the youth that hit the mic...oh did i mention, we hung out with some of the New Orleans Youth Slam team...yeah and WOW...we were priveledged to hear some of the new group pieces too.
-ended our night hanging with some of them at Cafe de Monde, with a lil street poetry.
-needless to say, after packing up the car, we didn't want to leave...but knew we would be back...soon...this trip has changed me a bit...i have got to do more in my community to help my own, as poets we should.

And So It Begins...

...my grateful list first...
--for the Creator blessing thee, even when i don't deserve it or recognize it at the time.
--for the beautiful women in my life...all so different, but the ties that bind are there...and i have learned so much from each...i hope some good things have come from me as well.
--for knowing i must stay in my lane for this one, though i want to take the car and run you over the head...but his perceived happiness is more important
--for intense words around the circle of life @ the house of words...damn i love poets and how we think
--for an amazing sunday morning spent with the ladies of excellence...was truly blessed
--for childhood friends who continue to bless my life with their presence and "walking around funds" lol
--for the soldier who walked quickly thru my life...we had fun though didn't we...tucked prayers in your army sack...i will keep those words safe (i'm coming back, michelle)
--for mini road trips to ktown to giddings withing 12 hours of one another...i am getting to old for this shiznitt lol
--for stepping away just for a moment...breathe
--for first dates and last dates lol...was wondering where the cameras were for "you been punked!"
--for sisterfriends...we got this on lock! growth is a mofo huh
--for you and i talking thru it
--for my God, who takes care of fools and babies...well far from a baby these days, and too close to being a fool...but i am in His hands...all that matters
--for love...i know its waiting on me to get me together...i am working on it
--for taking the tour leap again....

which leads to me the following...
-faye & i rocked the mic @ The Red Scoot Inn. my brother came through with his new girl, and didn't even know his sister was one of the features lol...meant to be. Ms. Ria was friggin' awesome as a host.
*word of caution* don't try to challenge Ria on the mic...she will have you sliced up and feed you to yourself AND calling your mamma for help!!
-had a late night dinner @ pluckers (thanks tre) with faye and justin...laughing and talking about what else, poetry, our lives, and everything else under the sun.
-time to get this started, so said our goodbyes, gased up and hit the road
-faye's cell phone rings 5 minutes down the road..."ya'll leaving tonight, ya'll gone?" i just laughed because i already knew he wanted to go...knew he was sitting at his crib thinking man they going to new orleans, trip of a lifetime...blah blah blah...so u-turned and picked up justin lol. 5 more minutes and he would of been OUT OF LUCK...but again, everything for a reason...
-3 of us got on the road about 3am...got into New Orleans around 5pm...yes it took that long....this is why....folks in texas can't drive in ice and snow...bridges were shut down, traffic jams in one spot literally 2hours, overturned vehicles...oh and saw a cop bust his ass getting out of his patrol car to help another accident victim out...couldnt do anything but laugh...slipping and sliding and bam! terrible i know...oh well
-2 freaky snow storms...the other was in new orleans...i found it to be quite symbolic though....the tour Brian and I went on in 2006 started with a blizzard...so yeah very symbolic
-staying with my sis's mom (thank you tova, love you)we had every intention of going out last night to see the city...why did we lay down for just a minute (our intentions)ummm didn't get up until 6 am this morning...our butts where whoooooped to say the least.
-so now let the adventures begin...keep ya updated...still send prayers up people....and for this city....what i have already seen makes no damn sense!!!
...for now peace out

I Am Grateful....

--for The Most High, and everything surrounding that is good
--for one great weekend of poetry...from the babies to the grown folks...meeting one amazing lil' queen by the name of Madison
--for writing labs that demand the darkness to be acknowledged...love you jono...love you fam....the tears are necessary
--for the necessary tears to allow the healing
--for another day...its been harder and harder to stay on this plane...but i was gently reminded i still have work to do
--for sitting in the sun and sitting in the dark, girl talks
--for the beautiful women in my life that bless me everyday with their presence and their words
--for showing the way to love right in your face...don't be too scared sis, he has been and will be your everything
--for big brother hugs and forehead kisses
--for a real chill ladies night...i needed it
--for the breakdown....to start the buildup
--for blessings in disguise
--for late night talks under the stars at the round table @ the newly dubbed "House Of Words" lol
--for meeting a very nice possibility (smile) but the irony of being deployed for over a year in less than 3 weeks, does not sit well...sigh
--for holding on in one of my darkest moments...i dare you to call on HIM, and see what happens
--for you and i writing about the same thing...girl i love the hell/heaven out of you
--for holidays reminding me what family and friends are all about

My Memoir...

(write your memoir in 6 words however you choose...write 6 stanzas, 5 lines each, each stanza with same word, each line has to begin with the word in your memoir..make it flow)
--------------------------

Born, i, from heartache
poetic resurrection
--------------------------

born i am
born i am to live past existing
born to exist despite my past
born to continue to live
born to live i
i am here
i woman
i love
i now
i now am in spite of you
from where do i go from here
from here to there
from in betweens
from filling gaps
from protruding gaping hearts
heartaches fills gaps
heart aches to feel
heartaches need no understanding to be
heartaches be of no understanding
heartaches make for good poetry
poetic intentions intend to put their best word forward
poetic forward pens will not lie still trying to write
poetic veins running thickly with poetry sustaining creation and
poetic heartache
poetic heartache i am thee
resurrection if you only knew
resurrection new
resurrection without knowing
resurrection knows
resurrection knows me

Zion

(zion was the word given to me...write 26 sentences with Zion as the first word in the sentence. then pick 5 sentences and incorporate into a piece related to something going on in the world. mine was two-fold...about a personal relationship, yet also a letter to the nation/world from Michelle Obama...the next first lady...wow still amazing to even say that)

My Dearest Zion
i inhale the death of you
to exhale me
been lost in translation
trying to translate the loss
of being lost without you
in your terms
on your terms
for Zion floats in the between vacant spaces
meet me halfway
dare to dream wholeness
peace of mind
so take care and mind my peace
this Zioness woman
watch her ways
feel her kiss
penetrate the way to wholeness
its best for both
slide slender fingers carefully below swiss-holed skin
in between today and tomorrow
take heed not to tear what has already been torn
even pressure causes diamonds to birth
let them drink mother's milk
paternal handlings bear witness to great seeds
as Zioness tendencies betray this heart
with good intentions
barren i am
but still bare succulent fruit
so bite
be satisfied
as holistic juices slide down lips
full of potential
licked from tips of fingers on point
and hear Zion within angelic laughs
coming from the dark cave of your being

From Grandmother To Me To Her For Me...to Forgive

cocooned harmony sings lullabies
for girl child in need of wings
she doesn't realize she already has
slow even breaths
beat ancestral love across wetness of birth
breathe child
inhale mahogany strength into fragile lungs
...you will hide your voice of woman
for many years to come
yet still write on my existence
long before
long after
reach deeply into front porch wisdom
blaze the trails i left fire upon
don't question
don't doubt
i am you
you are me
we are thee
then be...
hands deep in the struggle for self
prying open rib cages
to bare hearts to be broken
sewing kits in back pockets
for moments like these
squeeze every last drop of hope
onto screamless tongues
swallowed pride
will not allow
a mother's child to truly see
the child in her mother...
inked thumbs
bruise the pages from my mother's journal
juggles the eyes of angels
how different love can be...
prism reflections
imprison memories
of non forgiveness
umbilical cords
highwayed poison into altered beings
how can me come from thee?
breathe child...
for she too is in need of wings
she doesn't realize she already has
so sing with me
cocooned harmony lullabies
so she too can split her rib cage
to reveal her heart...
where is your sewing kit child
for moments like this?
how different love can be...

Everything...

was given this prompt by jono...he asked us each 3 things...what u like, what you love, what you know...from that he came up with a writing prompt for each of us...taking other's answers, so none of us got our own back...babyboy is something else...

Everything's sweet
all is honey
my lover's prayer in my ear
(we could use the words verbatim, what it means to you personally, or break it up)

everything is sweet
all is honey
dripping slowly
from lips slightly parted
my lover's prayer in my ear
whispering in tongues
searches for redemption
amongst Koran & Psalm lullabies
etched beneath my skin
blasphemy i know...
but sacred is this temple
built for thee
enter
gently
for this is hollow ground
i will raise my alter
to your thickening sky
inscribe your comings
in the Book of Shadows
hidden between full moon thighs
breathe this life into me
as i gasp the answer to life
in harmony with you
my tongue traces hieroglyphics
in desperate codes
along passionate willingness
breathe for me...
take my very breath away
then let me kiss it back
as you look into these eyes of salvation
do you hear it?
right there
just pass moans
and heavy breaths
do you hear it?
yes
right
there...
where angels wait to become seeds
come
into me
so that they may live
because here
everything is sweet
everything...
and i mean everything is honey...
please lick slowly

Grateful Still....

--for moments i acknowledge in gratitude
--for the tour coming together very well and the help from others
--for the freedom to do so...we will work on working for the man full time when i get back lol
--for the love i keep within, and the love i give outwardly
--for morning texts to keep me smiling
--for dark days and bright days...all a part of me
--for you always trying to "fix it"
--for family...by blood or otherwise...still family
--for understanding....coming slowly...but still it's coming
--for girlfriend hangouts...i think if someone watch us they would report us to the crazy farm lol
--for girlfriends i can be myself with
--for long distance flirts...don't make me get my passport sir lol
--for young stars turning into young warriors before our eyes
--for the pen moving again....deeply bleeding
--for laughter the only way you can bring it...love you lion
--for understanding again....of self, and why i do what i do the way i do it...my beat is different...and that is fine by me
--for wanting to give everything...yet my cup will always remain full when i see your smile
--for being part of a great group of poets...yeah sis i know, its different now...but at least we were part of it all...it has shaped our world somewhat...so many of us have laid the path for others to follow...though there will never be roadtrips like ours
--for music that makes me feel all melancholy inside...or want to bust your windows out LOL LOL...not really
--for the people of this nation finally getting a voice....NOW YOU HEAR US....i pray he will remember

Rip My Heart Out Please....

if you ever WANT to get past some issues within yourself...go to a bfran writing lab with our beloved JONO facilitating....

contact like this...
hard i know
no smiles
stop hiding behind them
and beautiful dark eyes
darken even more
words he does not know...or does he
young heart
old soul
commands ones that ring so true
so close to home
so soon
too soon
open doors of opportunity
for tears to crawl through
i want to catch each diamond
construct a bridge
for you to cross
wait for me on the other side
secrets and pain dare not speak
eyes bat them away
at the possibility of you leaving them
get back in your corner
not your time
whether its is your time or not
it is not my time
and i am not ready
hush lil' baby
don't you cry
mommas's going to buy you a mockingbird
and if that mockingbird don't sing
mommas going to lose everything.................................................

today
i can't do this
today
i must do this
ready or not
here goes
feel
feel this shit
every painful moment
every pebble in your shoe
that has bruised your heel
these feet carry a heavy load
not scale wise
but life wise
shoulders will break
even with a feather's kiss
do i want this....no
do i need this...yes
how dare you make me feel ANYTHING!
reflections don't see me
but her eyes caught a glimpse
offering me to me
look closely
no not around the edges
where its safe
look into me
where its not safe
where there are no more veils to hide behind
no daggers to stab backsides
or smoking guns at crime scenes
see the blood pool the outline of you
the do not cross the line barricade
she is you
she is we
but no longer us.....breathe

So Here Goes...

--for the Creator & She thumping me on the head...ok, ok...i get it
--for at least TRYING to get it right
--for knowing I AM the one who is most important in this game called life to love
--for dark days subsiding
--for the ones who pulled me through...never enough thank you's
--for this feeling inside...its going to be ok shelle
--for hosting again, and getting it right...under the wings of a fellow host and friend, and sometimes a bad azz DJ...smile
--for knowing we don't have to hang out or talk all the time, but i know you are there, and know i am too sis ;)
--for knowing when i really needed to be there....crazy weekend, we laughed through the pain and flat tires lol
--for honesty
--for gifts in the mail...thank you
--for chilly evenings and early early mornings...soooo nice
--for the power of prayer...i am telling you, try it...won't be disappointed...but be careful WHAT you pray for
--for text messages to get you through a day
--for cleansing tears and meditation
--for figuring out my role with you...its all good
--for the beauty of my children...i done good

Just a Lil'

i see you
within the far reaches of my mindscape
the areas that i don't even want to claim
therefore you are null and void
yet you will not comply
refusing to leave
sticking to role of heartache
like gum on the heel of highs
don't even know you are there
...until you hamper my steps

Love...

love freely, love deeply, love purely. love yourself the way you've always wanted to be loved, and love others the same way. love well, love often. find it in your heart to love those who have never shown you love---for they need it most of all. give so much love that you're certain to get some back. open your heart to the woman who lives on the sidewalk with her two daughters. love her. have compassion for the man who fired you from the job you loved most of all. love him. love all the earth has to offer-her people, her birds, her stones, insects, trees, mice, and oceans. love something--anything!--with a passion. love something larger than yourself. call it Goddess, call it God, call it Nature, call it Divine, call it Source, call it Beauty. Call it Love.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well Being for Women

i must remember to love the most important i know...me...sigh

Tough Week, but i am still finding the Goodness...

--for the private time with The High One, and the Grace granted
--for starry nights, a haunting moon, and a fabulous telescope...we are so small, and God is a grand designer
--for the ones i keep close, and the ones i keep at a distant...both make me want to do better
--for the journey of getting to know me, even in the stumbles
--for the Virgoes in my life...trying to figure it out
--for you saying i consider you a damn good friend...meant the world...we are still moving forward
--for wanting to be my soft place to fall...and being my soft place to fall
--for the smile on a weathered, wise and kind face
--for not needing or wanting drama in my life...hey some folks crave it
--for wanting to have that special someone again in my life, but realizing maybe i'm not quite ready (sing with me, "I am ready for love....")...trying to be patient though
--for text messages from the heart, and phone calls to follow
--for tough questions asked...thank you for holding up a mirror
--for girl time...we both needed it
--for loving my curls...even when they won't act right lol