Its 4 a.m. and I Cannot Sleep....repeated nightly

i stare forward
reading memorized lines of
yesterday
optic nerve imagery
upside down
trying to live life
rightside up
why did it take so long
to find my voice?
because my fingers
were still trying to read
the raised bumps newly forming
along sagging breasts
that nourished babies
along thick thighs
and supple belly
fingers slowly reading
...self love

there are places i do not yet feel the words
places where knots of insecurities grow
i try sometimes to smooth these spots away
kneading the areas around it
sometimes another's touch
stare
words
or memories
cause the knots to bind together
and i must pray to them
to untie me
i have lived most of my life in fear
i figure for the rest of my life
i will try something different

there's a child
who still cries in the corner
of my mind
does not like the sound of opened doors
but afraid of what's behind closed ones
i am still looking for her key

there's a woman
who looks thru the panes
of my eyes
hesitation colors stained glass windows
into an art of incomplete
i am still looking for her masterpiece

there's a warrior
who protects them both
holds me in one arm
fights the darkness with the other
shatters the artform to create a new mold
teaches and guides my hands to the areas
still knotted

why did it take so long
to find my voice?
we have always been here
we will always be here
its just now
you are learning to read the crayon scribbles
you are learning to read the brushstrokes
your pen is our salvation
your pen is our voice
so speak
speak child
speak!