i often wonder when the connection was broken. when did the we become me without u? at what second did my smile not bring one to yours? when did the tears stop falling down my face only to start my soul to weeping? but its easier on the inside, for the world does not get to witness my demise...at least thats what i tell myself. dreams of tomorrows are now nightmares of yesterdays. yet you still haunt them both. our babies weep for they now realize they will never exist, but my empty womb still craves for them to sleep there. we walked a different path together, would of taken over the world...well, at least our lil heaven we created. yes, sigh, the one created between the darkness of your eyes and the encircle of my arms. hell creeped out the bag one day. thought i had thrown it away, or at least locked it tight. it took over our lil heaven, darkened it full of pain and misunderstandings. the sun seperated from the moon. universe hung its head in shame. venus sobbed. love still happens now, with or without me. i have a choice. was that a question or statement? not sure. when did it happen though? perhaps we stop believing in love, or maybe u just stopped believing in me.

Have It Your Way????

So, i'm flipping thru Ebony and i come across 2 ad campaigns that truly disturbed me: Burger King new one....Pardon our French but DAAAMN! advertising the new french toast sandwich. Like are you serious, for real?? Then Hennessy has an ad with Marvin Gaye's picture with the caption...never blend in.....are these ads in any other mags? i would be curious to know.

Finally watched aeonflux last night...interesting concept, not too far from the truth either....dealing with cloning and never truly dying...but this was the best line: we have to die , otherwise our LIFE will never matter.

Pride Or Prejudice?

My daughter was honored for outstanding academics today. I am so proud of her. The best of the best are called Grizzly Pride at her school, nominated each year by a teacher. This is her second year receiving this honor. again i am so proud. Unfortunately, the teacher her nominated her had been absent all last week, and was not there today either. So Taylor asked if she could have her picture taken with her parents, minus the teacher. A few teachers standing around, asked if any of her other teachers were present. Taylor said yes, and named a couple. One teacher said, "Oh I know, let me get Ms. Johnson to take a picture with you." I'm thinking who is Ms. Johnson, and of course this teacher brings back with her in tow....the only black woman in the room....the only black woman in the school. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Johnson is a very sweet and beautiful woman, and Taylor likes her as well. My question is, even after pointing other teachers out, why would she run to get this particular woman, who Taylor does not know? I shouldn't say particular, because like i said she was it as far as color goes in this school. Oh, and my beautiful daughter was the only black student nominated last year...just like this year. Sooooo am i just being overly sensitive to think she possibly could be a "token" child. I don't want to take away from her outstanding achievement in anyway, because she did outright earn this honor....but i'm just saying!!

i use to sit in grandmother's beauty shop window
watching the colorful life outside
watching her fingers smooth away the blues
greasing scalps and creating Sunday's best on Saturdays
waiting for my turn in her queenly chair
always time for just one more
always time for me
she would take down pigtails and ribbons
to ease my own blues away
braid my long locks, or simpy redo pigtails and ribbons
spin me around and kiss me
sometimes she would let me walk 2 blocks down to the corner liquor store for a bag of rock candy and a soda, as she watched from the doorway of my sanctuary.
i'd walk out into the world i watched so curiously from her window, loving the lil bit of independence, even under several watchful eyes.
cause here on this street, in this time...everyone knew your name
or at least they knew i was Mrs. Jewel's grandbaby.
i would walk 2 blocks in my red buster browns, past bluesy tunes, the smell of bbq, and struts of pimps and cadillacs a block long
times were simple and times were good then...
i've grown up now, moved away a long time ago
returned to find a life i once cherished, had been abandoned
no bluesy tunes, no smell of smokehouses, the liquor store is still there
but they don't sell rock candy anymore
and no one knows my name...
life is different here, life is complicated here
black owned business have been phased out unable to afford the rent or skyrocketing property taxes
homes and buildings replaced with red brick condos
down home food replaced with upscale that won't fill you up
lots of big names i see, but i miss the small ones
streets are clean, too clean
the "in" place to live from what i understand...
for me it always was, now you couldn't pay me to live here
for the streets are dead, the life is gone
no one here walks like music is playing in their head
no one here looks you in the eye
this street no longer has a heartbeat
i laugh seeing someone has sprayed "there goes the neighborhood "
on the front of one of the red brick buildings with all its fancy windows
just so happens to be the spot where Grandmother's beauty shop stood...i smile thinking maybe, just maybe, it was her doing.
I feel insides scream, angry what this city has done
pushing a community even further back, or should i say, yet another annihilation
i still hear it though, each time i pass that way...
on breezes mostly, returning from far away
echos of a world rich in life and soul
seen through a little girl's eyes
watching through Grandmother's beauty shop window.

Are You Up To The Challenge?

So Amanda Johnson came by Neo last night. told us how she and some of her fellow poets were challenging one another during this week of AIPF, to write a poem a day...so now i am extending this challenge to my fellow poets as well. Don't make me call you out!! Just write, anything--even a haiku, and post it on your blog....
here goes....

right now,
at this moment,
either bring me from the other side
or take me back there ...
with you.
i want you,
simply
to invade every inch of me
until total surrender
determines sexuality.
freefall thru fantasies
make taboos blush
rewrite karma
create new sutras
leave clothes on
bring new meaning to foreplay
make 365...just that
numbered days
because i am sure we will find at least 50 more new ways
let this bed be the last place we lay
and then only for sleep
i want you and i to get so deep
our dna merges
cellular exploration
leading to we...
as one.
tips of tongues
annointed with sweetness
drink in so slowly
passion's nectar flowing
corners of lips licking
savoring
yearning
begging
reciprocation
wicked smiles greeting hungry eyes
laughing
between deep sighs and low moans
pulling me from the other side
or is it ...
you have taken me back there...
with you?

Subliminal Tag

5 MINUTES WITH MICHELLE, AND SOMETIMES DESIREE WILL INTERJECT...
If money didn't matter what would you do with your life? i must say i would be a lifetime student as well, hitting mainly historical black colleges, giving away tons of full 4yr scholarships to those in need. Open an art gallery, travel the globe, not just for pleasure but to learn from other groups of people. Live in a different country every 6months. build irrigation systems in deserts of africa. throw amazing parties for my poets!!

What's the biggest misconception about you? that i always have it together, always happy and upbeat. i am easy going, but a lot of times, my world can be falling apart around me, and i won't show it...always smiling.

Beauty or Brains? of course brains, beauty always fades...but stimulate my mind!!I say give me both!but as she says, stimulating my mind will give me the strongest orgasm...

What is your weapon of choice? like 13 said, WORDS! Words and Sex for me!!Love the control!

Who was your first celebrity crush? Had it bad, still do for Prince!!

What's your family's nickname for you? most call me shelle, my sweetie calls me desi.

What's your most embarrassing guilty pleasure? hmm i just can't say. haha its even too damn much for me LOL!!

What's the last book you've read? The Dancing Mind by Toni Morrison

Name one thing that scares you? Leaving this earthly plane too soon.

What's the biggest mistake you've made? Letting insecurities and baggage get in the way of new love.

Who would you cast to play you in a movie about you? Persia, the actress that plays Lynn on Girlfriends.

If you ran for president of United States, who would be your running mate? Oprah
Who is your favorite TV mom? Florida Evans from Goodtimes. Damn!Damn!Damn!

What's the fastest way to pick a fight with you? Mess with my kids! Fuck with my shelle!

If you could tell one person to shut up, who would it be? George Bush and his whole damn crew!!

Who would you die for? My kids, and a select few very close to my heart.

Name one celebrity whom you would never procreate with under any circumstance? Lil john!! WWHHAT!! YYYEEAH!

It would be an honor if some said my writing/poetry reminded them of_____? Sylvia Plath, Toni morrison, or Giovanni. Zane

Name one sex act you would never perform if you were the opposite sex? that golden shower shit is for birds!! Sorry, i would be doing every mofo thing!!

Would you ever pose for playgirl/playboy? Hell No! Hell Yes!!

When was the last time you cried? Sunday

What's the greatest personal tragedy you've experienced? Losing my paternal Grandmother...thinking i would always have enough time.

Complete this sentence: by this time next year________ i will have my cd out, and working on book # 2. (hoping book #1 will be done by mid/end summertime)
that was fun...who is up next?

flipping thru past pages
i caught a glimpse of u
so unexpected
i drew the surrounding air in quickly
felt different rhythms in heartbeats
once synchronized
i wasn't ready...

To Live By...

When people speak badly of you, you should respond in this way: keep a steady heart and don't reply with harsh words. Practicing letting go of resentment and accepting that the other's hostility is the spur to your understanding. Be kind, adopt a generous standpoint, treat your enemy as a friend, and suffuse all your world with affectionate thoughts, far-reaching and widepread, limitless and free from hate.
In this state you should try to remain.

---Dhammapada

Lunatical Ramblings Again...

did i say "lunatical"...not sure if a word, but you know poet's will make up some words.

an elderly woman in cali, received a ticket for WALKING too slow across a street. yes i said WALKING TOO SLOW....like are u serious? she should of knocked the police over the head with her purse...at least the ticket would of been worth it then!

i was tagged recently, but sorry i can't do the hiphop list. i'm not much of a hiphop head, and ashamed i don't know most of the ones listed. though sarah is schooling me. lol. i am a lil older than others in my circle, and i grew up more in the r&b/smooth sounds of motown and funk...like maze, marvin, rick james, kool & the gang, gap band, parliment, isley brothers yeah baby. swaying my body now just thinking about it.

kids are gone for the weekend. means we can run around naked and holler and scream while having mad passionate sex!!
SSSSHHHHYYYYTTTTT!!forgot my father is in the other room!

Dear God, its me shelle, could you please find my dad a job that actually pays him about every 2 weeks, instead of chasing get rich schemes. cause he ain't getting richer, and he needs his OWN place. its a lil weird having sex knowing your dad could hear you. i would really appreciate it. oh yeah, God, thank you for all the many blessings you have already bestowed on me.

never understand poets who pout or get pissed when they don't come out on top during slams. they immediately leave the building or go sit in a corner. i understand being disappointed and hurt. but you just never know what factors are against you. never know what the judges think or who they are. maybe you are just not that good against your opponent, whatever the reason. so why get upset really?
i have been to enough slams and my eyes have been opened to alot. i see the poets who are in it for the glory, for the praises and hugs afterwards.
i see the ones WHO DO NOT WRITE FOR THE PASSION OF POETRY, BUT ONLY FOR THE STATUS SEEKING OF SLAMMING. and it saddens me. i understand now why a fellow poet recently warned me about what she calls the SLAM MONSTER, he will eat you up and take away all that is good inside of you.
you can't win them all, its okay if you don't. but learn from it. still respect the other poets by listening to them and talking to them.
maybe if you listen, you will be inspired to write something ....different.

hmm, guess that lil thought could of been a whole other blog entry.

i miss my kids, and if they don't get back soon, the only thing left in their easter baskets will be a one stuffed bunny and a whole lot of yellow and green grass!
that time of the month for me (sorry guys tmi, i know)and chocolate is not safe around me whatsoever.
computer desk is covered with mulicolored silver wrappings right now!!

I'm so pathetic!!

Because She Will Not Be Forgotten...

roses
always die, trying to live within shadows of fear and darkness.
this form of love?
burns like acid, tears and eats away at the thin fleshiness of her fragile soul.
manifestation of a pretty boy---this time .
plot of the story remains the same
accussations
demands
fists
tears and kisses
a language spoken too fluently, she knows too damn well.
red roses, with thorns, he gives her daily...
roses as red as the imprints he leaves behind on fair skin
paints pictures across her canvas like a master artisan
and when he is done...steps back to admire his work
leaving her crumpled in the corner
kisses her forehead, hands her red roses
to this day, she still can't stand the sight of them
or the smell of them
so roses will never grow in her garden anymore
his murderous intent intentionally keeping her alive
the thrill in the pseudo kill,
the sick pleasure in the resurrection
even God, he said, couldn't have her
so she sleeps between deceitful sheets in the devil's lair
secret prayers hidden under pillows
afraid of the light once attracting him,
seeing an inner beauty he could not possess...he hated her.
picked her out of a store front window
only to become damaged goods,
unable to be returned
no longer in original packaging...
and just a lil' too used.
sweet poison of promises, "I won't do it again"
lingers on bruised lips like wine colored lipstick
intruding tongue leaves strange numbness on her breath
whispers of "i love you" puncture eardrums
as he holds her much too tightly
bludgeoning her temple with each calculated stroke of manhood
pleasure entangled with control
until his diseased essence fills her womb
chromosome x--chromosome y
she too a pushed angel among demons
she too a casuality of his love
never to see the light of day, never a first breath
never a smile, plenty of tears
broken heart, wings clipped, unable to thrive in turbulent waters
if only, just maybe...
could she of...? what if she...? perhaps if she...?
cleaned a lil' more, cooked a lil' better, became more like his hoar...
didn't smile too much, wasn't so friendly with others
was more like his father, less like his mother...what if?
holding her now empty womb, tears ascend the heavens
she pleads, "will you forgive me?
forgive me for not protecting you?
for not leaving roses on your grave?
because i just can't stand the sight of them
or the smell of them
and roses will never grow in my garden anymore
for you, babygirl, never had the chance to play there."

Frustrated and Pissed

Why is it necessary to have 10 cops on horseback at every street intersection?
why is it necessary to have cops on rooftops canvasing the crowd?
why is it necessary to block all exit and entrance ramps?
why?
perhaps because it is a majority of blacks who participate in Texas Relay festivities?
perhaps if the same excessive presence was present during SXSW or Biker weekend, I wouldn't be so pissed and frustrated!!

just venting.....
any thoughts?

the night before yesterday

raindrops fall silently
kissing windowpanes
candles glow
whisps of smoke curl
along sillouettes
kisses on neck
on honey curves
causes soft moans
and willing thighs
butterfly wings take flight
dancing slowly on a strong melody
creating new notes
to form in throat
to escape from lips
suspended in air
until the next quick inhale
until the next slow exhale

u r the real in my reality
painting passions
pulling fantasies
from dreams
creating small heavens
soft places to fall

the seduction of your kiss
plays jazzy melodies across lips
leaving sentiments behind
dark chocolate-caramel essence
called u
envelope this body

licking fingertips
to remember u
to keep tasting u
the scent of me
mixes with possibilities of u
intoxicates the air

dampening thighs
collecting moisture
in honey wells
yearning for u
to drink
full bodied taste of me

let me enter
take residence in your soul
sleep there
plant my feet there
grow with us there
exist within your words there

allow me to walk on the air u breathe
pass through lips
until i am the only language u speak
a whisper
a moan
a sigh
language of poetic melodies...

the universe of u n i

3 days passed before the body was found
victim of circumstance
beyond her control
suicide?
cleansing ritual?
wrists slit
fingertips smudged
with ink, no blood spill
only sentences and metaphors
splattered on walls
pooling on floors
track marks on arms
where she had injected him
in daily doses
with her pen
high lasting as long as his last line
stole her innocence for the sake of his next rhyme
waited for him to paint her colorless dreams
in yellows, purples
and of course in her blues
melodies of her song
sacrificial lamb.

Shyyyyytttt!! Tagged Again

6 STRANGE/QUIRKY THINGS ABOUT ME:
hmmm these things getting a lil too revealing...i don't like putting all of me out there...but oh well

1. Don't pretend to have a conversation with me...with "uh huhs" and "hmms", eyes wandering and shit. Look at me when i'm talking dammit, and be present in the conversation. Sends me over the edge when a phone rings and automatically pick it up, without a hold on please or something. Promise you, i will show my ugliness.

2. My stage name is MichelleDesiree...no space in between, for a reason....these 2 are me. very distinct entities, and those closest to me know i am being for real. knowing who you are talking to, or who you would rather talk to is part of the game. be very careful of Desiree acting like shelle...lol, she will flip it on your ass. here is a hint: watch the eye color to know the difference.
i'm sure there are some meds out there for me somewhere!!

3.I will eat leftovers, most of the time. But for some reason...chicken leftovers are out the question. Wings....forget about it! Now i will eat up some wings, but something about them being refrigerated...just grosses me out!! Once chicken even get room temp...can't do it!!

4.This one is gross and disgusting i know...i love to pop pimples, doesn't even have to be my own. Not the acne pus face kind, yuck! Black heads are the best!! I know I know...a lil too much. how's that for strange?

5.i tend to pout, more so with men. i don't throw tantrums. i notice my voice changes to higher octave, will plead, stroke the ego, give the silent treatment, heavy sighs...the works. such a baby. i am trying to change this, but i guess if it didn't work so well...i wouldn't do it.

6.i have a crazy love affair with Sixlets. lil chocolate balls in all different colors...hmmm wonder if there is something underlying to this!! i crack myself up sometimes! these candies are hard to find, oh but when i do...i buy in bulk. love to see how many i can fit in my mouth sometimes...hmmm

and since ms sarah tagged everybody this side of the hemisphere...no one is left.
ahh the madness of it all!!

Street Poets....Literally!!

and i'm not kidding.
so "the neosoul collective" is part of the performance lineup for "Art After Dark"(thank you joey), proceeds benefiting the Austin Fine Arts Museum. Beautiful setting. Tickets are $55 to get in this MOFO, mind you some patrons paid even more...good cause. Yes, $55 for a ticket, sooooooo it was going to be an interesting crowd. to say the least!!
a volunteer gave us our access passes, but first we had to sign a waiver of liability...just in case we fell off the stage or something, which you will see proves to be quite HEE-LARIOUS!!
a volunteer guides us through the crowd, directing us to "stage 1." she stops. points. says "straight back." ok, thank you. we continue walking.i see the barriers. no stage. i see the edge of the festival. no stage. i see a belly dancer. no stage. i see 2 yellow stripes in the middle of the road...leading to the mic. um, there's our stage.
alrighty then. like i said street poets LITERALLY!!
but you know what? Neo did the damn thing!! A few stayed the whole performance, interesting that they were of color. a few walked by trying not to notice. a few stayed for awhile, quite intrigued. i'm sure 99% of the spectators had never even heard of or seen a spoken word performance.
reactions were interesting...from why are YOU here? to WOW!
it didn't matter the reaction.
what mattered was-spoken word and poetry is an art in itself. we shared a lil of ourselves with a group who would not normally be exposed to this. whether they like it or not...who cares.whether 1 or 100...who cares
what mattered was the young lady who silently wept during my piece or the older gentleman who nodded during BFran's. a nod of solidarity.
to touch just one...to bring circles closer
that's what it is about, really.

Life is Wonderful
Hold on tight!