i tried last night to love you, but my heart never showed up. silence hung heavy, like a rain soaked wool sweater draped across our shoulders. eyes never meeting. fork. spoon. food looks good. i want to be somewhere else. wonder what the kids are doing? salt shaker. our yesteryears hung its head in shame. we have become what we said we never would be-strangers. or is it we are just continuing what we have always been-safe obligations? i chose this. i know this. taken my responsibility for this. tired of trying for this. no longer want this.
but...
2 pairs of young eyes watch me. closely. very protective of their patriarchial warrior. i understand. 'cause i once was too. they do not know of his fall from grace, playing with goddesses not his own. daily, i sweep the truth under worn rugs matching the decor in our home. they see only momma's tarnished wings trying to fly from her guilded cage. their false paradise. i try to keep the rain away. push back clouds with lies. create rainbows within my hair. and sunshines within my smiles. sorta like the ones posted on the fridge. but i know you two are smarter than that...i promise this time to do better in your eyes...even if it means worshipping your golden calf.