family ties

so i came up to Conroe basically kicking and screaming. but i kept it all to myself. over 14yrs and every holiday has been spent w/ him, then w/ my babies. so i went quietly kicking and screaming. hard to break a bond.no matter how weak the perception. i did not know how the family, my family, would recieve me. my own guilt caused preconceived notions. wow was i wrong.glad i was.open arms and hearts from almost everyone. i say almost everyone, cause the one i knew would put on the fake face-did-she is also the gossiper of the family-so expected-no love loss. so many people make the trip to this home full of love.seriously. between 11am-midnight over 100 people made their way thru the doors, bringing something....damn should of seen the food the food the food the food the food here.deserts deserts deserts deserts!! 7up cake OMG! ya'll folks know what i mean.but we are in conroe country and this is some good down home country people here too. Coon, yes racoon, was right next to the turkey and ham...oh yeah did i mention somebody brought some moonshine....damn serious!! one of the elder matriarchs of the family no less. lol. yep moonshine. i didn't know folks still made that fire!!
no i didn't try it....chicken i guess or maybe smart.
i sat back and watched this family, my family, but still felt like an outsider. or was i the one who chose to be on the other side of the window lookin in? down home good people. always welcoming. uncle buck or 'daddy' i call him, my kid's big pop, and his brother uncle buddy argued alllllll day long. well not really. more like bragging rights. its hilarious. everyonce in awhile aunt jenni lee would jump in (also the one who drinks too much/wants too dance w/everyone....ya'll know the one in every family)now here is the ultimate bragging rights between these brothas. 'daddy' has an 8yr old son, meaning Tarik(38)has and 8yr old brotha.so of course, uncle buddy did not want to be outdone...now has a 3yr old...of course not unsual...but did i mention both of these grown ass men are in their mid 60's!! lol lol...oh and her name is 'miracle' seriously
anyway after much indulging and grazing all day. after the constant bragging rights 'arguing', the laughter, the constant motions....the house became quiet...and i missed it, wanted all the commotion to continue-to comeback. what the hell was that!!oh the kid's uncle, anthony, snoring in the lounge chair...put it this way he would give Big Brotha B a run for his money!!!
went to the computer, surfed awhile, reading my blog. tarik wanted to know what it was so i let him read it, well most of 'em. he looked at me, and said i didn't know, i am so sorry. what r u sorry for? im sorry for not supporting u, for not realizing how important poetry is to u and the family u have now become a part of, for not understanding. i'm sorry.
wow like i have said it soooo much, but i guess to SEE it in black n white is a hit on the head. for tarik, it was like being hit by a truck and i was driving.
to be continued......

soulful eyes of u

i watched from across the room w/o knowing
but knowing
it was u
waited for your seed to make the connection
your hands felt like home
warm and worn
from years of just being a woman
but your eyes
if i never see u again
your eyes will always comfort me
familiarity w/in the rarity
eyes not as dark as he
but still dark enough for secrets
told and untold
bless u for blessing me
w/his birth
w/us meeting
w/your teachings
thru him
thanku
for u
for him

thoughts random repeated

got called out of class being 5min late
are u kidding me
u were late yesterday
learned nothing constantly
how do u learn nothing constantly
get back w/u on that one
felt like f******grade school getting called out
oh yeah and again being late from lunch
call it the rebel in me
i didn't give a blank blank
daughter returned home yesterday
birthday is sunday
yeah i got a gift for ya ass
bus ticket to your dads....one way
coworker SAYS she is wking on her MASTERS (no less)for cosmotology...uhhhhhh yeah u feel me on that one huh...sweet girl though
dont believe the hype
shopping can drive the blues away...
so can a ride on the green train...thanks for that Relentless
don't want to go to conroe and be around a bunch of fake smiles and hugs of prejudgement
might be spending turkey day alone
but i am cool w/that
mean cook in the kitchen i am
so misunderstood
am i less of a mother not having mine w/me?
no
then why does he constantly make me feel less of a woman for it
but then says i am the one for him
no mofo!! u just don't want anyone ELSE having me
hmmm
bitter...damn right!!!
damn still need a couch-chairs getting hard-floor even harder
harder....brings back thoughts of u....lol
i really need to quit
time to take my meds
uh huh

random thoughts of a bonified lunatic

so i am at wk right now
totally bored with this oh so f#&*@#* stimulating job...but hey it pays the bills
damn i have got to go back to school
and i have a damn degree already
wishing i was at hm in my warm bed beside my warm...oh yeah aint nobody there...
well guess i have another date w/mr stickup
lol
cheap date
always at attention and never talks back
do guys really think they can get the panties by saying "hey are we going to fu** tonite?
are u serious
wait i think i have said that before to someone
lol and it worked....hmmm
why won't my child use deo...does she he and she not smell themselves
and laugh when u ask them
that shit aint funny
asked for seasonal promotion-got it-supervisor is trippin-making 500 dollars more than usual now-when season is over-want me back-are u serious-back to less than 500 dollars-uh hold that thought
gas prices have dropped dramatically
so was there really a shortage
or actually a LONGAGE-yes i said longage-of greed
why won't men do what they say
why lie
u r not that cute
tracy always told me men are like buses, there is one every 15 min
i think the next bus took a detour somewhere
is this the right curb to be standing on
how often do the women come around...checking watch
i need a cat...or a cute lil dog...dogs have to be walked/your hours are too weird for a dog...cat then
which is better...red hairs....or sticky icky....or sticky icky w/ red hairs
tell u later
damn what am i going to wear tonite?
something desi or shelle/perhaps somewhere in between
his mom will be there...better do somewhere in between
do your thang brotha...very proud more than u know
my hands are starting to look old
well hell u are
still cute though
uh huh
get out my head
i am your head stupid
oh
back to my original random thoughts of a bonified lunatic...................
im bored

thoughts of u

my brain yells
my heart cries
and my spirit aches
none paying attention to the other
each in its own misery
too blind to see
the need
for connection
spirit is endless
even after
the last heartbeat
and the mind remembers memories
the mind remembers
the mind
a collection of thoughts
collecting
store housing yesteryears
tears and fears
funny how a sound
a smell
a word
can conjure up a smile
a tear
or both
melancholy thoughts
thoughts gone
thoughts forgotten
now front and center
freed
like a caged bird
with the door left open
yet just looks at it
looks at the sky
know it will never fly
so it tucks its wings
and from her throat
comes the most beautiful song
the door still lays open
the memories still haunting
and i remember
you

windows of highways

looking out thru the windows
to the highway called my life
18 wheelers barreling down
pushing up against the bumpers
of the ordinary
got my headlights on high
gas tank is low
last stop miles ago
going south
on northbound lanes
entry ramp wrong way
heading down the highway
looking at my life
thru fogged up windows
or dirty
can't tell which
right now
take out my heart
wipe it clean
see me
standing on the corner
with cardboard sign of my soul
will work for love
slightly bruised
very worn
i scream at me
with outstretched hands
for change
i throw at me
what i can spare
see me
falling to knees
in rear view
i lock eyes w/ my own
pray to give her
give me
another day
amen

so misunderstood

i think when it comes to matters of the heart, i am the most misunderstood person around. i want one thing, always get another.
i get what i need, and jeapordize it so i make it go away
it goes away, then i spend too much energy trying to get it back
its simple really, so why all the complications?
i want to be in love, actually i want to be loved unconditionally
the way i love others, with all their faults an hangups
love me with all my own faults and hangups
yes i need work....got issues...who the hell does not?!
yes i am working on them, but i am being drained by those who profess to have my best interest at hand.
constantly taking constantly taking constantly taking
i don't mind giving, that is my spirit....but leave me with something
or at least stay awhile
when i have something to say, listen
with both ears, not on the way out
i have so many beautiful people in my life, a few i keep very close to my heart
others i don't know why i do
perhaps i am a taker myself, they serve some purpose or else why would i bother?
i play the sexy vixen well
well desiree does
but i am so tired of the image others want of me
not the real me
they want the wild sexy me, the sexy voice me, the sexy clothes wearing me
when actually
i am a simple girl with simple ways
who just wants to be loved
to be taken seriously
to be understood.....to be validated
i find it hard to stay alive
seriously
its a struggle
everyday i contemplate what i have done thrice before, but guess God had other plans
vicadin and tequila can be a deadly mixture
drank the tequila last night in the darkness by candlelight
played with the vicadin on the table
would falling in love help me?
perhaps not, but at least i would have a soft place to fall
so simple
so misunderstood

discovery

the scent of lavender creeps
onto dull senses
lulling them to sleep
annointing emotions
with the oiliness
of feeling
taking the lunacy
from nightmares
haunting night after night
allowing the ego
to dream
of more than of id
suspended alliterations
metaphors and similies
expressing me
freely
rearranging
redefining
no more preset molds
stories fortold
decisions
seeking answers
before they are spoken
the saline of life
stinging open wounds
salt crusting
like white lies
on black lips
this abstract entity
called my soul awaits
for its remolding
its rebirth
from divine hands
i awake from this remote dreamworld
look down at my hands
and smile
for i discover
they are
covered
in
clay

forbidden

yes i am the forbidden fruit u r craving
for the taste
gave u a chance and u made haste
froze up punked out
guess how to do a sistah 101 was not taught in the marines
did a whole lot of talking
but only saw me walking
away
scardy cat of my cat
should of called you while he
was behind hitting that g
heard what u were missing see
naw naw lost all your cool point definitely
forbidden i will always now be
watch look and listen
savor from afar
whisper in my ear if ya want to
naw naw lil white boy u cannot taste my sexuality

ranting
perhaps
pissed
naw naw too many others out there to be upset
don't have time for stragglers
lol
i think the tequila is still in my system right now lol
ya'll have a good day
the sun is shining ya'll
even after the moon being high alllll night
*snicker*

in my cd player now: Talib's cd....hot hot hot
can't wait for the concert
reading now: black girl....get it to ya soon 13
feeling like: can take over the world if i wanted to..who will be my king? or queen?

the heart of a son

it is amazing what 24hrs can do for the soul. i mean if u at least give yourself that option to hang on just a lil bit longer.
and i did
my son
sigh
he is such a beautiful soul. an amazing kid. if i can say so myself. sorta partial ya know. his sense of humor is insane. quick witted and smart as a whip. always has had a fascination with numbers, especially time.
time.....can be stolen away, make u or break u, never enough
i digress
very sensitive child though, gets a lot of flack from his sisters. hard being a boy in a house full of women.
never forget when my own father called him a punk. i went the hell off!! came close to calling him out his name. forgive me. needless to say, he won't refer to his grandson as a 'punk' again. and if a punk means being sensitive to the world or likes picking his mother flowers. or still snuggling with me even if he is 11. or likes brushing my hair....then shit a punk we ALL should be. dont get me wrong i worry constantly of his acrobatics, just how does he move his body like that. he would love dashade. he will stare any perceived enemy in the eye, does not backdown for anything. scary how he looks inside of you. and don't put any game controller in his hand. he will have u crying to your own mother for help.lol.
my son
he grabbed me last night and just held onto me, as if he knew my pain inside. he said mommy u r so soft and i love the way u smell. blush. i love u. i love u too mommy. u r the best mommmy in the world. i laugh. i am the only mommy u have. i know, but if i had another one, u still would be the best.
sigh
sigh
my son
my legacy
my heart
my reason

an open convo to myself

i hurt enough as it is (u need to b stronger like me)but i thought he would understand, he always does, he said he knows me like no other (well maybe he chooses not to know u any longer)he said he has his own demons (no, what he was saying was f*** you u r own your own, no longer wants to be bothered)but....(but what? u could of been found days later, and he didn't even call to check on you)
nevermind (exactly....cut the ties)but....(but what? cut the fu***** ties)easier said than done (here stupid i have scissors)
why would they lie? (did u really expect them to be there?)yes i did (well i knew they weren't coming)but why lie about it or make up excuses? (did u really think they would surprise you this time and be front and center, someone u can count on?)yes i did, i keep trying you know (well stop, its exhausting)but they are my parents (and?)my family (and?)you are very harsh (no just thicker skinned than u, i have watched them all my life, been there with you through it all....my skin has been thickening since the womb)
are u serious? (yes, how do u think i developed so much faster than u?)i'm trying, i just want acceptance from them (laughing...well u will put yourself in an early grave trying to get that from them)u are cold? (no not cold, well...maybe, but i have to just to survive...in order for US to survive...sighing)
i love u
i know
i love u too