fall is coming, well as best as Texas can produce a Fall. at least it will take the edge off this sometimes unbearable heat, perhaps even take the edge off of mine.
Life is interesting, and always has proven to be. i stop saying "crazy," eventhough it could still be said; but by saying "interesting" means there is something unique and/or positive that will come of it...and that is growth.that is strength. that is painful lessons. that is forgiveness. that is introspection and overstanding. that is being still, listening to God and finding peace. that is still loving.
and i do
it is really simple actually.
just because certain people who were once my ace boo koo feel the need to keep poison on their tongues, and i choose to remove myself from their bulls-eye does not mean i have taken my love away.
just means i am protecting my sanity. protecting love. protecting my heart. i don't want it hardening or changing like my trust factor has diminished.
i have gone through several mourning stages after realizing certain parts of me were changing or dying . To realize things you once loved about yourself had to be curtailed because of someone else's actions, physically has caused me pain in its withering.
i have retreated, like a wounded animal licking her wounds; but far from being the victim. it is in the retreat where i will resurrect what i once so loved. i have no choice right now but to remain still. wait, scratch that...we always have a choice...in EVERY situation...so...i choose to remain still right now.
God is there
love is there
and she is there....she.is.there. and wherever she is...that is where you will find me.
this my friends is my truth, and no one knows my truth but i, everyone else has their own interpretations of my truth, which i find hurtfully hilarious.
it is what it is.
i do me...and i do me well...you know the rest.
i think if folks KNEW my truth, or took the time to get to know ME not other's words, they would be quite surprised and ashamed at how it differs from what they think. i have a sick fantasy of them lining up one by one, tear streaked face, some falling to their knees, apologizing for all their transgressions. i often have been impressed, though often broken into pieces because of it, of the creativity and cleverness of the wicked web's weave.
the closest one's have the ugliest designs.
oh if you knew...lol...it would be quite ironic actually.
yet details are not necessary, when others have their own colors to paint my life.
i throw my hands up, not in defeat but in enough! i refuse to comply.
those who refuse to let the weeds fill their ears, and choose to see my actions for their own will love me as love is suppose to be.
we all got our fucked up shit. i claim mine darling...do you?
so the wolf retreats to the cave of her heart, healing and rejuvenating, becoming stronger in a gentler warrior kind of way. Yet careful, a wounded animal is most dangerous.She is fiercely protective of her cubs, and the alpha Zeus who reigns beside her...i will do what is necessary for our survival.

Still On My Journey

i am a child of God, who has been given some very special gifts. the older i am becoming, the more aware i am of them. and the more aware i am of them, well i am truly a blessed woman to be chosen in this manner.
now i do know we all are given gifts, but not all of us want them or their responsibility...or remain still enough to learn them.
this is the process i am in now...learning them more...honing my skills i guess you could say.
The Universe is Divine
seek what has always resided within you, outside resources are not necessary.

Grateful

--for The Divine and She
--for my children, they really are awesome
--for my Brandy, and finally finding the love i have always wanted to have
--for US, and finally being able to give the kinda loving i thought would never return.
--for making me believe again
--for those who truly care
--for strangers who obviously were angels, thank you
--for our journey together, and as individuals
--for the soundness of Bluequisha, man she be moving
--for the lil things that bring so much joy
--for alone time
--for her touch
--for growth and really looking in the mirror we hold up for one another
--for loving those who play the game of loving me...its ok, it is what it is
--for trusting myself
--for being unique, and its okay folks don't get me...she does
--for those who choose to bad mouth me and spread gossip, yes it is hurtful and i've shed many tears (even lately)...but i am learning and rising above it
--for forgiveness, still learning this one...but learning non the less
--for letters of hope
--for my creativity, my gift
--for prayer...it is a must
--for forks in the road that always lead back

i want to crawl into your mouth
into that space between sour and sweet
to taste the words you speak of me
swing like tarzan from your uvula
and do a tuck n roll upon your tongue
curl and vibrate against soft pallet
let me explore your ivory towers
your cracked foundations
and explore thy caves
to remember the sweetness

you wounded me
yet i don't know why
i loved you
perhaps more than you loved you
perhaps more than i loved me
not any longer
i am done.
my arms are tired of reaching between the blades
fingers nicked to the bone
did you acquired the taste of my own blood
more than yours?
did you enjoy the smell of my tears
since they reminded you of authentic?
what was it about me you hated so much?
what was it about you i loved so much?
let me count the ways...
i had your back
even when your bully eye was on mine
did the first cut cause you to salivate?
did the healing cause you to smile?
did curiosity make you crave the cut again?
i get it
but you never got me
cause i love you
and it sux that i still do.
funny thing is...
well its just funny i choose to write about this on THIS day.

Lookie what we are doing...

so finally got the travel blog up...check it out...link is over there on side...Gypsy Travelz

New Stuff over there on Jewelry blog....Butterfly Muzigns...go click on it, ya know you want to...you know Mother's Day is coming up...go ahead i dare ya

the wind calls my name
tells me its secrets
tells me it still holds my own
brushes through freshly washed hair
lifting and moving the weight
to find and remind my ears
of its truth
i cry
i laugh
i shudder
most days i just smile
for even secrets are memories
i turn to watch it leave
to see life be moved by its grace and power
pushing past perceived boundaries
making the world dance
praying it keeps its word.

Me

i am still trying to figure thing called "me" out
42 years strong
hasn't always been this way though
stood in the darkness most of my life
even the shadows scared me
so i stayed where i felt the most comfortable
searching
yearning
to believe in something
to believe in myself
darkness turned to greys
i was no longer fitting the black and white
cause clear cuts don't break even with me
i took the hands wrapped around my songless throat
wrapped them around pens and mics instead
let alter egos speak for me instead
for us...instead
i was tired of bleeding beyond every 28 days
tired of this life being my natural cycle
fuck that!!
no looking back
no looking down
i keep telling myself this
yet
those shadows are still there
lurking
rotting
oh the smell
i don't like the way they touch me
stealing moments
memories slicing through keloid scars
rising to the occasion
ok i get it
deal with it
with them
with him
with her
with you
yeah with you
deal with it
no spades this time
take the jokers out
no matter how high the score
pens are like swords
burn the tip
cauterize the wound
feels like new tattoos
my battle
my beauty
my line
and i am pushing it!

Been A Minute...or two....but ALWAYS Grateful...

i hadn't realized just how long it had been since i posted anything...not good, yet everything has been good....i am blessed beyond measure.
--for each and every moment on this plane, this existence, at this time
--for the Creator being everything, and more
--for this beautiful positive life
--for this beautiful positive life WE are creating
--for loving folks no matter what, even if you cut me more than you got my back...now this one has been a hard lesson, but i really do still care for 'em...i mean if you were on fire i would spit on ya :)
--for neosoul always growing, always changing...always home
--for falling in love...over and over...with her
--for falling in love...more and more...with me
--for my children...i mean they are just wow and amazing
--for the growth spurt my son has has lately...standing at 5'10 now...and he is not done
--for taylor and all her creative strong beauty
--for jessica growing up just a lil' bit more...i am proud
--for transitions, though not always easy, for the better of us all
--for the talk of a lil' one......
--for reflections...acknowledgement...trust...lessons...growth...love
--for these creative hands...i am good at what i do...i can acknowledge and accept that
--for moving past hobby and passion, to more of a business state of mind...though always passionate
--for the way she makes me giggle on a daily
--for seeing, but not judging...for squashing gossip...and you should too...wanna know, ask the source
--for understanding our life together is the one for whispers and "did you knows"...shoot take notes...we got a precious thing going on here, one stories are written about...maybe you will learn something, on how to love yours or better yet...yourself.
--for marathon scrabble games
--for less walls and boundaries
--for everyday being valentine's day with her, yet must say this year was one of the best.
--for lil blue boxes and satin white ribbon...sigh
--for the way WE choose to live OUR life together, so find out what works for YOU...promise you will be happier.
--for our day fast approaching...wow we are doing this...i mean can it get anymore sweeter?
--for the answer being yes, you ain't seen nothing yet.