it seems,though some light has come into my life...its funny how the darkness demands to be heard...so, i will let it speak..it is time. i am in a good place, so don't worry about me...interesting how he brings this forth. demands i look truly @ the reflection.

so much history etched beneath skin
so deep
bruises have yet to surface
yet to color her earth tone skin
even the veins reach for healing
returning to its origin to no avail
with each breath
with each scream
with each sigh
wrote a prayer once in the bend of her wrists
blood bled like rosary beads at her feet
"hail Mary, full of grace...
it has been 39 years since my last confession...
forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
39 years since her mother's screams anointed her crown
turning back is not an option
crows have gorged from the morsels of pain left behind
path never the same
nor remembered
she is her mother's daughter
yet never really knowing a daughter's mother
shell's of maternal women with no instincts
there was no handbook for this
how does a child become a woman,
healthy and full?
she doesn't really
the dress will always be soiled no matter what
tattered at the seams
many masks worn
many walls built
rooms without doors or windows to breathe
hides in shadows the sun refuses to seep into
self preservation at its finest
......

Blessed I know...

--for the Creator & She and their amazing Grace...maaaan!
--for the fact you made it through the crash a lil bruised and sore...but still here
--for recognizing it was you before i knew it was you, and laughing in the cold
--for phone calls and funny text messages...growth
--for the way he looks at me, despite myself
--for a house of laughter, making it easier to forget
--for the smiles on my babies faces...they make it all worth it ya know
--for words coming still...how can i say no? i don't
--for being okay with decisions made
--for my girl loving being home, i can hear her laughing from here.
--for waking up to beautiful sunrises next to you and not caring about a damn thang!
--for learning the new language you speak...be patient with me for i am afraid of what i want the most
--for blessings raining down at the last minute...He is ALWAYS on time...i dare you to say otherwise
--for some very special ladies in my life..Lisa and Trice you are incredible...there are no words
--for knowing we women are so much more alike than we are different, right babygirl?
--for watching the creativity bloom in her hands
--for new paths...so new, its hard to find my footing
--for the need of the mic tonight...not speaking, but listening...but plans of changed...again everything for a reason
--for 100 days from Christmas Day to my 40th..wow
--for a shedding of skin even though it hurts
--for a challenge i have made to myself...and the passion, power, discipline, prayers to keep it!!

got 10 minutes left on the computer......

i tip toe thru spaces within
too small for even my shadow to dwell
playing hide-n-seek with reality
come get me
yeah you
don't worry about me
i will get over myself
cause the underneath hurts
but life gotta way of doing that ya know
so now what?
million dollar questions
hope to pay dividends
split stocks
split selves
not enough to go around
feed back into me
starving on what i give
no nourishment
flavor is different
in need of seasoning
just to swallow
taste funny
always does with something new
maybe the thud in the pit of my stomach is trying to tell me something...
pray i listen and take heed

odd place this is to be...

Um yeah...

--for Creator & She...i must be careful what i ask for, i just might of got it.
--for new beginnings, and shedding the old...i am sorry
--for 12 hours straight on the phone, and it still wasn't enough
--for giggles and laughs until it hurt...like um are we suppose to do that at such an intimate moment lol
--for eating bomb azz sandwiches with blueberry hot tea..in warm socks and tshirts
--for interesting chess games...very interesting
--for you reaching out
--for his new car...yeah big brotha b...sometimes life pushes you to long needed action
--for long walks and christmas lights...don't you just love this time of year
--for family
--for sunshine going home..enjoy ma
--for the tears that water the flowers that will soon bloom
--for the words you speak and the ones your eyes scream
--for the lovely women in my life...i have learned, and continue to learn so much
--for leaping out on faith...try to catch me if the wings don't work ok?
--for my brothers, even if not by blood, checking on me...how did i get so lucky?

look here
within
places i don't see
but obviously you do
choices i have made
not to observe
protects me
ignorance is bliss
right?
i have been here before with you
different time, different place
same heartache

darkness seeks light not to destroy
but to help it find its way
then to posses
you see that
watching me
studying me
praying that i see
i do

i have walked into the lion's den
conversations spoken without words
eyes piercing the impenetrable
you do not have to fight here
i came willingly relinquishing self
honor this temple you enter often
for it is your saving grace


peace

Thankful.....

--for the Creator & She and sustaining Grace
--for dismissed cases....YEAH!!
--for cold days, though this can't make up its mind weather is driving me nuts...i'll take the cold, no rain, for 200 Alex
--for close library's with internet
--for yummy omelets from a crazy place called The Omelettry...seriously lol
--for babygirl and all the new possibilities...don't you dare feel guilty for your taking charge of your own happiness
--for understanding the pain you are going through...unfortunately our circles are small...but love is big
--for great goodwill finds and my decorating hands
--for inspiration
--for not having to hear you talk about yourself ever again lol...and you probably don't have a clue
--for jessica playing in my hair...quality time together can be so beautiful...sigh she has grown so much
--for her saying she WANTS to go back to school next year...thank GOD
--for the way my puppy Theo keeps me laughing and how he needs to be no further than 5ft away from me at all times...my dog for sure
--for giving myself 90 days to get it together...90 days!!!!!
--for new pieces flowing...already working on 2 more...the poet gods are being generous...thank you thank you!
--for slamming again against some good poets...great show
--for seeing how funny you are on the mic, missed ya hosting lady...good job
--for good chocolate...nothing like it

What's Been Going On....

well...
-internet is down @ home, so i'm at the library...reasons for no posts of late
-working on few new pieces..one in particular is maddening...timed at 4min 22 seconds...hell that won't work at all...hate slicing my baby dammit
-headed to antone's tonight to see Ms Faylita do the damn thang...she made it to the top 5 on famecast...like wow
-moving closer and closer to personal goals...let you know when i've arrived lol
-uhhh its December already, how did that happen
-my eating is out of control...must be making up for lack of sex...yeah i said it...acknowledging is half the battle right...i'm stupid
-slowly making my way back to legal as well hahaha, license reinstated YES!!
-still making beautiful different jewelry....cough cough that will make GREAT christmas gifts...holla!
-decorating for the holidays...uh again how did december get here so fast
-missing you
-detesting you
-loving me
-there ya go, continued blessings
peace out