Gratititude is Necessary

--for the Creator & She calming my spirit often
--for watching the sunset, and realizing you were watching me
--for being a pretty good matchmaker...they have been inseparable
--for Passion flavored Tazo tea
--for the earth being reborn in such magnificent colors lately...love spring!
--for your fingers in my hair...and in my heart
--for knowing the best poet doesn't always win, but good words still linger
--for his happiness...for theirs
--for growth even when circumstances try to take you backwards...i refuse!
--for NEW SHOEZ...still laughing about that one...ya'll are hilarious
--for free pool, pitchers of beer, torn jeans, and us four together...priceless
--for finding the letter you wrote me...a month later by surprise..wow, took my breath away...we are going to be alright
--for the power of the pen, to keep the tongue silent...best that way at times
--for knowing IT is there for me too...i am patient
--for Kami excelling on the stupid...yes stupid, TAKS test...so proud

my own love post...when knives stuck deep ain't enuff

tears fall
sliding across screaming lips
and a slowly festering bitter tongue
its not suppose to be like this
psuedo justification laid thick
upon torn bandages
not the ointment needed
careless whispers bleed the wounds
poisonous kisses leave deep imprints
instincts tried to save me
ignorance is bliss
blinders caused tunnel vision
when i looked into your eyes
your word was biblical
how can God ever believe in you?

scratch my eyes out
so i may never see it
slice my tongue into tiny pieces
so i may never speak it
lobotomize the exact moment
so i may never remember it
cut out the rest of my heart
so i may never feel it

dismember loyalty
within the acidity of your deep throat
moan your needs into brick pillows
and soiled sheets
fill the prescription
he will always be just what the doctor ordered
will even make house calls
with an appointment, of course

funny Karma always gets whats hers
she definitely bit me in the ass for the bed i laid in
i had it coming by my own indescretions
i wonder...
what she will do to you?

Beautiful Day & Gratefulness...

--for the Creator & She...holding me together
--for this nasty crud finally slowly going away...man i was real sick
--for one of the best sxsw i have been to, the music and the people were great
--for my lil partner in crime...who knew lol
--for every door that closes...He always opens a window at least
--for not having a violent nature...but i will cut a mofo over my child...huh tay lol...she knows her momma is a bit off
--for being able to smell again just slightly
--for picking up my passion for reading again...check out One Day I Saw A Black King by J.D. Mason...literally had me crying in spots
--for the rain and the sunshine...always have to have both...otherwise how would anything grow
--for lessons in the pain...still confused, but slowly getting it...slowly
--for his lady coming into town finally...he is a nervous happy wreck!
--for another neo showdown to determine the team...should be interesting (you and you should be in it dammit!...but i understand...i guess lol)
--for the first day of spring....YEAH!!
--for 14 days until my 40th...like wow...okay
--for everything for a reason...everything!
--for your charming azz...the banker and the artist huh? balance/yin-yang
--for the my new nickname "tink"

its 2:18 in the morning

some of my weirdness lol...i started these lil whatevers a few months ago...very random, but that time kept coming up...odd right? for me not so much. some in an elevated state...okay well all of em really but who cares...thought it was interesting how the mind works when you don't hinder it

its 2:18 in the morning
this comes from the far reaches of mind
places i don't even let myself in
skeletons dying to talk
so speak
if you can
i dare you

its 2:18 in the morning
i am the only one awake on this planet right now
holding conversations with self
even answering the questions asked
does that make me schizophrenic
or just keeping myself company?
she and i have a strange relationship

its 2:18 in the morning
poetry haunts me
sits on lines of notebook paper
among random thoughts
if not written down quickly
will soon be forgotten
scribbled right next to grocery lists
and doodles of nothing
fighting to be seen
to sit next to other choice words
ready to mean something
to be spoken
hang tightly from the tips of tongues
salivating to be heard

its 2:18 in the morning
i think i'm dead
for i no longer dream
of you

its 2:18 in the morning
my exhales can't breathe
can't find a pulse
yesterday dug too deep
cutting off the blood supply
scratching my head
trying to grab onto thoughts
delete
space
insert
rewrite
again...caught on a hangnail
run-ons speeding ahead
into the sunset

its 2:18 in the morning
out of over 700 channels
you would think i could find
something decent to watch on tv
catch my attention with something other than
naked bodies, informercials or chat lines
these layers require more than mindless stimulation

its 2:18 in the morning
my hunger surpasses all yearnings right now
in need of something for the soul
she is wearing thin
so many years here
may not be able to thicken skin
but can pad my insides for the fall

melancholy seduction

i play tricks with my body
to make it think you are still here
slowly tracing thick silhouette
fingers teasing
bringing forth soft giggles of memories
yes...you were even there too.
the seduction of your kiss
played like jazzy tunes across lips
leaving sentiments behind
tasting caramel mixed with dark chocolate
i lick my tips as if no one is watching...
you strummed thighs
gently
like cello strings
softly
bringing notes to rise
deeply
perpetual state of seduction
so play me
play me like an acoustic vibe
far into the night
invade these hips
claim your space
satisfy this insatiable appetite
beyond satisfaction
let me linger
right there on the edge
pull me back
just a lil
slow it down
just a lil
until you feel the song
being created within the depths of my throat
let me sing
as my full body arches each note
don't let me breathe
fill in the unfinished ink along my back
with your demanding whispers
tracing lines with your tongue
coloring the lady's wings
make her fly
higher than what i could ever smoke...
i lick my tips as if no one is watching....
(work in progress)

Grow...

...become more than you are right now. grow into a greater sense of self. grow in your capacity to listen, to love. grow more deeply into your relationships.(yes, all of them.) admit that you're growing more beautiful with each passing day. grow sunflowers in the the front yard instead of grass. grow into yourself. catch up with the nose you always thought was too big, the heart that always seemed too open, the sexuality that seemed insatiable. grow beyond all the walls and fences you thought were stopping you. grow a garden that's alive and bright and luscious, multilayered and multitextured and filled with hardy perennials and showy anuuals. grow your own garden inside yourself, and tend it well and always.
--365 Words of Well-Being for Women by rachel snyder

such a small word "grow" with huge and powerful meaning and understanding. its the understanding we must do. it is the understanding that we must constantly grow within self...or hell at least try. one of the hardest things to do, as well though...i know this better than anyone. everyday is not perfect. everyday does not have to be perfect. i know i am one screwed up individual (hey admitting is half the problem right lol), but i also know i am one blessed screwed up individual who is constantly moving forward...no matter how small my steps may be. there are days i may walk backwards or even in circles...stuck in my own stuff. but i know those days are the ones i need to look at more closely...to look in the mirror a lil longer than usual. and that is okay. i just refuse to be the same as i was a lifetime ago, a year ago, a day ago, a minute ago. it is a choice, right?
this flower ain't through blooming yet...smile

Grieve...

...let yourself feel the pain of losing. grieve for a friendship that's over or a parent who has died. pour out the anguish that comes with being fired from your job, laying a beloved animal to rest, having your pride and your stature and your belongings stripped away from you. feel how much it hurts. take absolutely as long as you need. cry and wail. sob and fall to the floor if you must; put everything else aside while your tears flow. scream and bang your fists against something soft and cry out WHY?, knowing there isn't really an answer you can wrap your brain around. grieve for the loss of a part of yourself. when you're empty, when the grieving subsides, remember that spring always follows winter and that every time something dies, something else is born.
--rachel syder

sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go and just grieve...because it means you must feel.

And Even Now...Still I Am Grateful...

--for the Creator & She and their sustaining love
--for the way you & i kick it...we crazy but its good stuff
--for top of the head kisses and arms wrapped around me
--for you knowing i needed the escape...no questions asked...lets just chill.thank you
--for you wanting to protect me, even from afar...thank you...i will never forget it
--for all the great girl time we had...there will never be another you
--for my son and his gift of smile and laughter that he gives me daily
--for the maturity in taylor's walk and speech
--for prayer...for prayer...for prayer...for prayer...for prayer
--for the love i see in your eyes
--for stumbling steps...always teaching me about me
--for "and this too shall pass"...please let it be soon
--for stolen hope...i guess i needed the wakeup call...blessing in disguise
--for watching you move on the b-ball court...my eyes thank you sir
--for early morning "good morning madame"...with reply "good morning sir"...nice to know i am the first one you call to start your day
--for crazy text messages that make me laugh til it hurts, or gross me out lol
--for being the fantastic woman that i am...despite the skeletons of past
--for being a poet whose words run deep thru blue and red veins...may i bleed frequently
--for no matter what...i love you and you still...and wish you and you well...even still...maybe now you will be able to heal a lil bit more
--for letting go
--for holding on
--for forgiveness

My .02cents Up On My Soapbox Next to the Bible Thumpers

okay, so i recently received an email from a friend about Oprah Winfrey promoting and teaching about the "New Age Christ" on her online study course. This email was forwarded to her, which of course was forwarded many times before that i am sure. I get a lot of the religious type emails from this person, some i read, others i delete..others i save...never know when some good Godly inspiration will come in handy.
My issue with the whole email was it was so outrageously incorrect! I knew immediately the book in question had not been read by either the person sending it to me or the original perpetraitor who started the crap. sorry it touched a nerve. i am so sick of this happening. accusations, condemnations, judgements made...folks jumping on the band wagon, not even knowing where the wagon is going or who is driving...all in the name of the Great One. Church folks, the ones that preach the most...are the most judgemental hypocritical people on the planet...how the hell is that suppose to save souls...that is not what God is! In no way am i saying the person who sent this to me falls under this category, no,i am referring to the original author of these type of emails. but it worries me when so many blindly follow without checking out the facts themselves.
my response to the email: Actually, if you have read this book (and i am sure you passed this on w/o even have looked at the book), you would know this mass email sent out is false and is teaching negative religious propaganda itself. Funny to me, how when a person says they have spoken to, or heard Jesus speaking to them...folks are quick to say they are crazy and should be denounced. Its always church folk who are the most negative and judgemental.
God gave us the many ways to find our path to him, which is truly w/in ourselves anyway. God resides in each of us, He is not some far away entity we are not allowed to touch. If a book provides ways to find our true authentic selves, to love ourselves, to love others...for love is the ultimate form of God anyway...what is wrong with that.
Once again, if you have not read the book...seen the movie...heard the person...or whatever...don't send stuff blindly...it breeds negativity and hate...which is not of God."

she actually admitted she hadn't read the book at all and just quickly glanced at the email forwarded to her.....
exactly my point....very dangerous...getting off my box now

Free...

...free yourself! free yourself from habits that suppress you, people that depress you, rules that repress you. get rid of clothing that pinches, binds, or leaves red designs on your skin--and free yourself to move in comfort. free up some time every week--or every day--to express your creativity. free your mind of negative thoughts and belittling beliefs. sell your house and free yourself from the never-ending world of home maintenance. free yourself from draining relationships with people who want only to take and never to give. cut up your credit cards and free yourself from the vicious cycle of debt and interest that never goes away. free the poet that's locked inside you. free the athlete who never got to run, the ballerina who never got to dance, the diva who never had the freedom to sing. free yourself to be the woman you were always meant to be. AND BE FREE!
--rachel snyder