Honor...

...honor yourself for the fine woman you are. honor women in every stage of their lives, be they young maidens, mothers, elders. use the word. say i honor you for your courage when a woman takes an unpopular stand. say i honor you for your openness when a woman allows her emotions to flow freely. honor the woman who has had a child--and lost it. honor the woman who, by fate or by choice, will never have a child. honor the woman who fought off an attacker with her bare hands--or did anything, including nothing, to stay alive at the hands of another. honor the grandmothers who tell the stories, who remember the old ways, who have time for the young. honor the woman who has fought to stop war--and the woman who has fought when war called her name. honor the woman who cleans, who cooks, who serves, who governs, who grows, who defends, who protects. honor the woman in every man, if you are lucky enough to catch a glimpse of her. honor every woman as you would have every woman honor you.
--Rachel Snyder

Is there honor amongst women anymore?
I pray it so...though i know i have been guilty in the past of not honoring others or myself. I know honoring other beautiful women in my life, also comes from honoring the beautiful woman inside my own self. Sort of like you can't love others, until you love yourself type thing...yeah.
we women are quick to judge, manipulate, degrade, and tear down one another in an instant. if i am, or ever was guilty of this (i know i have been)please forgive me...as i have forgiven most (lol) that have done the same to me. imagine the love and the healing in just honoring one another....
i am still learning so much
Woman friend
Woman stranger
I honor you
I honor myself

Heal...

...woman, heal thyself. once and for all, find your emotional scars and psychic wounds and set about healing them. heal by talking, painting, acting, dancing, singing, cooking. let your heart lead you. heal in solitude, in a group, in a circle, in a community, in an ashram. heal in the forest or on a mountaintop, in a clinic or in a church. heal with a therapist, a shaman, a counselor, a bodyworker, a priest, a priestess, a rabbi, a minister, a doctor, a medicine woman. let your heart guide you. heal while you're in your thirites, in your forties, in your sixties, in your eighties. it's never too early, never too late. start healing. do it in 12 steps or in 235 steps or in 1,200 steps. heal with herbs, heal with energy, heal with the power of prayer. heal others by healing yourself. heal your community by healing yourself. heal the planet by healing yourself.
--rachel snyder

i know i have so much stuff still to get through, things i am currently dealing with, things from my past that still haunt me, things i am not ready to deal with...but i know i must in order to be the woman i am suppose to be...my true authentic self. i am getting there though, slowly but surely...that is what counts, right?
i have been told i have a healing spirit. sometimes i can just lay hands on someone and calm them...i am not bragging it is just that way. i come from a strong line of women who do the same and more. i find it funny, or interesting i should say, that someone who has this capability, is also a woman who is so wounded herself. perhaps i need to find a way for these hands to touch and heal my own heart.
i will always be a work in progress...not a bad thing at all!

Guard...

guard fiercely that which others want most to wrest from you. your inner wild places and the freedom to visit them often. the gateways to your very soul, the keys to your secret garden and all that you cultivate therein. guard against attacks of all sorts by those who cover your light and envy your brilliance. create shields visible and invisible, and infuse them with the power to deflect invasions of your body, mind, and spirit. guard the security of your home as if it were more valuable than the grandest place on Earth, for surely it is. establish your personal boundaries and guard them against interlopers who would barge in against your will. be the guardian of your own solitude and that of others, and peace shall always be yours.
--rachel snyder

this has become so important to me lately, and even moreso, transitioning into my 40's. i have a very loving and open heart, but not everyone has the best intentions for me...but i will never stop being the woman that i am, just a lil more guarded for my own damn peace of mind.

The moments that mattered...

--you being the first to wish me "Happy Birthday Madame", even if it was a text..thank you
--drinking good wine in the cool breeze
--waking up wrapped in Happy Birthday streamers
--my babies fixing me breakfast before they left for school...no sleeping in, but that was okay
--fried green tomatoes, gumbo, and mini bison burgers washed all down with a drink called "The Moron"...cause if you drink the whole thing...lol...it was huge...uh yeah ya know i finished it! let's get this party started
--finding the perfect outfit for my night, and the look on your face when i stepped out the dressing room
--feeling like a princess the whole night
--the love, the love, the LOVE from my Neo fam and friends...incredible...there are no words to explain how each of you made me feel that night...i am truly a blessed woman in more ways than one...nothing like NEOOOOOOOOOO
--your reaction when i walked into the door
--kisses on the shoulder...hmmm got to wear more stuff like that lol
--tje serenading me...sigh...sigh...sigh...okay sigh
--poetry tag...OMG!!!!!
--attending the relays for the first time and seeing all the yellow love for our beloved tweety.
--hanging out with you...yeah we have turned the corner...like the view
--last minute score for free wristbands to urban music fest
--having a sugar daddy for a day
--finding an exquisite ring to celebrate this 40th milestone
--music to take you back and shaking our tail feathers...do it ladies
--hanging out with 2 of the coolest cats in town at the reggae party
--performing in San Marcos with a fantastic group of young people...so inspiring
--our duet...damn we did that!
--continuous reflection...like i said i am a blessed woman indeed...it only gets better and better...watch out 40's HERE I AM!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KING!!

Gratititude is Necessary

--for the Creator & She calming my spirit often
--for watching the sunset, and realizing you were watching me
--for being a pretty good matchmaker...they have been inseparable
--for Passion flavored Tazo tea
--for the earth being reborn in such magnificent colors lately...love spring!
--for your fingers in my hair...and in my heart
--for knowing the best poet doesn't always win, but good words still linger
--for his happiness...for theirs
--for growth even when circumstances try to take you backwards...i refuse!
--for NEW SHOEZ...still laughing about that one...ya'll are hilarious
--for free pool, pitchers of beer, torn jeans, and us four together...priceless
--for finding the letter you wrote me...a month later by surprise..wow, took my breath away...we are going to be alright
--for the power of the pen, to keep the tongue silent...best that way at times
--for knowing IT is there for me too...i am patient
--for Kami excelling on the stupid...yes stupid, TAKS test...so proud

my own love post...when knives stuck deep ain't enuff

tears fall
sliding across screaming lips
and a slowly festering bitter tongue
its not suppose to be like this
psuedo justification laid thick
upon torn bandages
not the ointment needed
careless whispers bleed the wounds
poisonous kisses leave deep imprints
instincts tried to save me
ignorance is bliss
blinders caused tunnel vision
when i looked into your eyes
your word was biblical
how can God ever believe in you?

scratch my eyes out
so i may never see it
slice my tongue into tiny pieces
so i may never speak it
lobotomize the exact moment
so i may never remember it
cut out the rest of my heart
so i may never feel it

dismember loyalty
within the acidity of your deep throat
moan your needs into brick pillows
and soiled sheets
fill the prescription
he will always be just what the doctor ordered
will even make house calls
with an appointment, of course

funny Karma always gets whats hers
she definitely bit me in the ass for the bed i laid in
i had it coming by my own indescretions
i wonder...
what she will do to you?

Beautiful Day & Gratefulness...

--for the Creator & She...holding me together
--for this nasty crud finally slowly going away...man i was real sick
--for one of the best sxsw i have been to, the music and the people were great
--for my lil partner in crime...who knew lol
--for every door that closes...He always opens a window at least
--for not having a violent nature...but i will cut a mofo over my child...huh tay lol...she knows her momma is a bit off
--for being able to smell again just slightly
--for picking up my passion for reading again...check out One Day I Saw A Black King by J.D. Mason...literally had me crying in spots
--for the rain and the sunshine...always have to have both...otherwise how would anything grow
--for lessons in the pain...still confused, but slowly getting it...slowly
--for his lady coming into town finally...he is a nervous happy wreck!
--for another neo showdown to determine the team...should be interesting (you and you should be in it dammit!...but i understand...i guess lol)
--for the first day of spring....YEAH!!
--for 14 days until my 40th...like wow...okay
--for everything for a reason...everything!
--for your charming azz...the banker and the artist huh? balance/yin-yang
--for the my new nickname "tink"

its 2:18 in the morning

some of my weirdness lol...i started these lil whatevers a few months ago...very random, but that time kept coming up...odd right? for me not so much. some in an elevated state...okay well all of em really but who cares...thought it was interesting how the mind works when you don't hinder it

its 2:18 in the morning
this comes from the far reaches of mind
places i don't even let myself in
skeletons dying to talk
so speak
if you can
i dare you

its 2:18 in the morning
i am the only one awake on this planet right now
holding conversations with self
even answering the questions asked
does that make me schizophrenic
or just keeping myself company?
she and i have a strange relationship

its 2:18 in the morning
poetry haunts me
sits on lines of notebook paper
among random thoughts
if not written down quickly
will soon be forgotten
scribbled right next to grocery lists
and doodles of nothing
fighting to be seen
to sit next to other choice words
ready to mean something
to be spoken
hang tightly from the tips of tongues
salivating to be heard

its 2:18 in the morning
i think i'm dead
for i no longer dream
of you

its 2:18 in the morning
my exhales can't breathe
can't find a pulse
yesterday dug too deep
cutting off the blood supply
scratching my head
trying to grab onto thoughts
delete
space
insert
rewrite
again...caught on a hangnail
run-ons speeding ahead
into the sunset

its 2:18 in the morning
out of over 700 channels
you would think i could find
something decent to watch on tv
catch my attention with something other than
naked bodies, informercials or chat lines
these layers require more than mindless stimulation

its 2:18 in the morning
my hunger surpasses all yearnings right now
in need of something for the soul
she is wearing thin
so many years here
may not be able to thicken skin
but can pad my insides for the fall

melancholy seduction

i play tricks with my body
to make it think you are still here
slowly tracing thick silhouette
fingers teasing
bringing forth soft giggles of memories
yes...you were even there too.
the seduction of your kiss
played like jazzy tunes across lips
leaving sentiments behind
tasting caramel mixed with dark chocolate
i lick my tips as if no one is watching...
you strummed thighs
gently
like cello strings
softly
bringing notes to rise
deeply
perpetual state of seduction
so play me
play me like an acoustic vibe
far into the night
invade these hips
claim your space
satisfy this insatiable appetite
beyond satisfaction
let me linger
right there on the edge
pull me back
just a lil
slow it down
just a lil
until you feel the song
being created within the depths of my throat
let me sing
as my full body arches each note
don't let me breathe
fill in the unfinished ink along my back
with your demanding whispers
tracing lines with your tongue
coloring the lady's wings
make her fly
higher than what i could ever smoke...
i lick my tips as if no one is watching....
(work in progress)

Grow...

...become more than you are right now. grow into a greater sense of self. grow in your capacity to listen, to love. grow more deeply into your relationships.(yes, all of them.) admit that you're growing more beautiful with each passing day. grow sunflowers in the the front yard instead of grass. grow into yourself. catch up with the nose you always thought was too big, the heart that always seemed too open, the sexuality that seemed insatiable. grow beyond all the walls and fences you thought were stopping you. grow a garden that's alive and bright and luscious, multilayered and multitextured and filled with hardy perennials and showy anuuals. grow your own garden inside yourself, and tend it well and always.
--365 Words of Well-Being for Women by rachel snyder

such a small word "grow" with huge and powerful meaning and understanding. its the understanding we must do. it is the understanding that we must constantly grow within self...or hell at least try. one of the hardest things to do, as well though...i know this better than anyone. everyday is not perfect. everyday does not have to be perfect. i know i am one screwed up individual (hey admitting is half the problem right lol), but i also know i am one blessed screwed up individual who is constantly moving forward...no matter how small my steps may be. there are days i may walk backwards or even in circles...stuck in my own stuff. but i know those days are the ones i need to look at more closely...to look in the mirror a lil longer than usual. and that is okay. i just refuse to be the same as i was a lifetime ago, a year ago, a day ago, a minute ago. it is a choice, right?
this flower ain't through blooming yet...smile

Grieve...

...let yourself feel the pain of losing. grieve for a friendship that's over or a parent who has died. pour out the anguish that comes with being fired from your job, laying a beloved animal to rest, having your pride and your stature and your belongings stripped away from you. feel how much it hurts. take absolutely as long as you need. cry and wail. sob and fall to the floor if you must; put everything else aside while your tears flow. scream and bang your fists against something soft and cry out WHY?, knowing there isn't really an answer you can wrap your brain around. grieve for the loss of a part of yourself. when you're empty, when the grieving subsides, remember that spring always follows winter and that every time something dies, something else is born.
--rachel syder

sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go and just grieve...because it means you must feel.

And Even Now...Still I Am Grateful...

--for the Creator & She and their sustaining love
--for the way you & i kick it...we crazy but its good stuff
--for top of the head kisses and arms wrapped around me
--for you knowing i needed the escape...no questions asked...lets just chill.thank you
--for you wanting to protect me, even from afar...thank you...i will never forget it
--for all the great girl time we had...there will never be another you
--for my son and his gift of smile and laughter that he gives me daily
--for the maturity in taylor's walk and speech
--for prayer...for prayer...for prayer...for prayer...for prayer
--for the love i see in your eyes
--for stumbling steps...always teaching me about me
--for "and this too shall pass"...please let it be soon
--for stolen hope...i guess i needed the wakeup call...blessing in disguise
--for watching you move on the b-ball court...my eyes thank you sir
--for early morning "good morning madame"...with reply "good morning sir"...nice to know i am the first one you call to start your day
--for crazy text messages that make me laugh til it hurts, or gross me out lol
--for being the fantastic woman that i am...despite the skeletons of past
--for being a poet whose words run deep thru blue and red veins...may i bleed frequently
--for no matter what...i love you and you still...and wish you and you well...even still...maybe now you will be able to heal a lil bit more
--for letting go
--for holding on
--for forgiveness

My .02cents Up On My Soapbox Next to the Bible Thumpers

okay, so i recently received an email from a friend about Oprah Winfrey promoting and teaching about the "New Age Christ" on her online study course. This email was forwarded to her, which of course was forwarded many times before that i am sure. I get a lot of the religious type emails from this person, some i read, others i delete..others i save...never know when some good Godly inspiration will come in handy.
My issue with the whole email was it was so outrageously incorrect! I knew immediately the book in question had not been read by either the person sending it to me or the original perpetraitor who started the crap. sorry it touched a nerve. i am so sick of this happening. accusations, condemnations, judgements made...folks jumping on the band wagon, not even knowing where the wagon is going or who is driving...all in the name of the Great One. Church folks, the ones that preach the most...are the most judgemental hypocritical people on the planet...how the hell is that suppose to save souls...that is not what God is! In no way am i saying the person who sent this to me falls under this category, no,i am referring to the original author of these type of emails. but it worries me when so many blindly follow without checking out the facts themselves.
my response to the email: Actually, if you have read this book (and i am sure you passed this on w/o even have looked at the book), you would know this mass email sent out is false and is teaching negative religious propaganda itself. Funny to me, how when a person says they have spoken to, or heard Jesus speaking to them...folks are quick to say they are crazy and should be denounced. Its always church folk who are the most negative and judgemental.
God gave us the many ways to find our path to him, which is truly w/in ourselves anyway. God resides in each of us, He is not some far away entity we are not allowed to touch. If a book provides ways to find our true authentic selves, to love ourselves, to love others...for love is the ultimate form of God anyway...what is wrong with that.
Once again, if you have not read the book...seen the movie...heard the person...or whatever...don't send stuff blindly...it breeds negativity and hate...which is not of God."

she actually admitted she hadn't read the book at all and just quickly glanced at the email forwarded to her.....
exactly my point....very dangerous...getting off my box now

Free...

...free yourself! free yourself from habits that suppress you, people that depress you, rules that repress you. get rid of clothing that pinches, binds, or leaves red designs on your skin--and free yourself to move in comfort. free up some time every week--or every day--to express your creativity. free your mind of negative thoughts and belittling beliefs. sell your house and free yourself from the never-ending world of home maintenance. free yourself from draining relationships with people who want only to take and never to give. cut up your credit cards and free yourself from the vicious cycle of debt and interest that never goes away. free the poet that's locked inside you. free the athlete who never got to run, the ballerina who never got to dance, the diva who never had the freedom to sing. free yourself to be the woman you were always meant to be. AND BE FREE!
--rachel snyder

Forgive...

...experience the power of forgiveness. say I forgive you, and mean it. forgive everyone who ever wronged you. forgive him for breaking your heart. forgive her for telling everyone your deepest secret. forgive them both. stop holding grudges, and forgive. forgive yourself for being human, for not knowing all the answers all the time. once and for all, for the sake of your own sanity, forgive. let the sweet and simple rain of forgiveness wash over you. as for forgiveness, offer forgiveness. somewhere, find the inner depth to forgive the man who raped, to forgive the woman who killed, to forgive the friend who betrayed a loving trust. for life, for love, for peace forever; for you, for them, forgive.
--rachel snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

granting forgiveness to others or more importantly...to yourself...is simply freedom.
the freedom to live again, to love again, to love yourself again. one doesn't even have to let the other person know, or if the other person has passed on...its okay. but yes, you must mean it...for the universe always knows the truth...so does your heart. not forgiving gives the other party power...so now is the time to take it back...and let that shit go...love self, forgive self, forgive them....breathe again(my .02 cents)

flow...

...get out of your own way and let your life flow with the grace of a clear mountain stream. stop trying to orchestrate and manage your way through life. stop trying to swim against the current; the struggle will get you nowhere and will exhaust you in the process. flow into and out of your days without clinging desperately to worn-out ideas, deadened hopes, lifeless relationships. let go and let flow. spend time on the banks of a river, creek, or waterfall. feel the serenity and ease of the effortless flow. remember how a stone that is tumbled and carried by the flow ends up smooth and polished with no rough, ragged edges. be that stone and go with the flow.
--rachel snyder

let go and let flow....one of my new mottos for sure going into this new millenium for me. for my own sanity.
sometimes we are our own worse enemies getting in our own way...fighting against the current, self sabatoge, holding onto shiznit we don't have any business holding onto...or holding on way past the shelf life lol! my struggle...but i know not just my own
...i continue to flow

Find...

...find a way back. find a way forward. find your way through. find lots of women whose company you enjoy and, in the end, find yourself. find the missing link in your history, the one that explains your lingering sadness. find out what makes you feel most alive, and find ways to give it to yourself often. find the real questions before you worry about finding the answers. find a woman writer you adore and read everything ever written by her, for her, or about her. find a stone shaped like a heart and keep it in your pocket (and you did). find the truth behind people's hollow words. find a new, heatlthier, more satifying way to be in relationship with your lover. when you can't find what you're looking for, find the strength to keep on searching. eventually, you'll find what you need.
--rachel snyder

Because i am not alone in this

when i think of him
the mere thought...
causes my mouth to salivate
but the bitterness tatooed on my tongue
reminds me to spit
he is a taste i can no longer afford
empty morself left upon lips
i crave to taste something...anything
as i greedily try to feed this hunger
regurgitating a love affair
tearing at the lining of a soft heart
acidic holes penetrate
way past what i can no longer stomach
sugar sweet words carve pretty jagged lil' pills
forcing me to swallow promises of tomorrows
leaving me in yesterdays
without solid blueprints for a foundation
crumbling outer edges of an existance of simplicity
the sediment of sentiments weighs heavy
scratched across the backside of a bleeding heart
empty corridors echo of ghostly footsteps
closets full
too much to close
for he will not claim his share
i carry the burden of two
the space between forever and never
will consistently bare witness
the space between now and then
will consistently bare witness
the space between he and i
will consistently bare witness
a representation of contradictions
there is no freedom in reflections
that hold me through mere glances
sticky sweet residue clinging to tips of lashes
free falling in pupils causing blurry vision...i better blink
backward glances see the words
written in footprints turning into dust
the path has lost its way
unable to see future within futureless eyes
cracks into fissures
fissures into gorges
gorges into valleys for tears to fill
overflows taunt the levees to break
heartstrings just don't hold it together any longer
but forgiveness granted
as i blow harder to dry fragile wings to fly again

...bye-bye blackbird

Yes...Always...

--for the air that i am allowed to breathe
--for the forgiving heart beating in this chest
--for slowly peeling away the baggage...it tends to stick sometimes you know
--for allowing me to be part of the celebration...so much fun
--for the beauty in your fearlessness
--for the txt msgs and and voicemails received for her...really made her feel part of the ever growing strengthening circle
--for the power of sisterhood
--for taylor being asked to be on the JV track team by her coach!! now if she can just pull her grades up
--for the words dancing from our pens and burning the pages...damn poets i love ya'll
--for shoulders catching tears that will one day water the beautiful flower of you
--for stolen kisses
--for knowing happiness is truly a choice, even in the face of much pain...repeat to self often
--for maxwell's urban suite....i mean seriously!!