i want to crawl into your mouth
into that space between sour and sweet
to taste the words you speak of me
swing like tarzan from your uvula
and do a tuck n roll upon your tongue
curl and vibrate against soft pallet
let me explore your ivory towers
your cracked foundations
and explore thy caves
to remember the sweetness

you wounded me
yet i don't know why
i loved you
perhaps more than you loved you
perhaps more than i loved me
not any longer
i am done.
my arms are tired of reaching between the blades
fingers nicked to the bone
did you acquired the taste of my own blood
more than yours?
did you enjoy the smell of my tears
since they reminded you of authentic?
what was it about me you hated so much?
what was it about you i loved so much?
let me count the ways...
i had your back
even when your bully eye was on mine
did the first cut cause you to salivate?
did the healing cause you to smile?
did curiosity make you crave the cut again?
i get it
but you never got me
cause i love you
and it sux that i still do.
funny thing is...
well its just funny i choose to write about this on THIS day.

the wind calls my name
tells me its secrets
tells me it still holds my own
brushes through freshly washed hair
lifting and moving the weight
to find and remind my ears
of its truth
i cry
i laugh
i shudder
most days i just smile
for even secrets are memories
i turn to watch it leave
to see life be moved by its grace and power
pushing past perceived boundaries
making the world dance
praying it keeps its word.

Me

i am still trying to figure thing called "me" out
42 years strong
hasn't always been this way though
stood in the darkness most of my life
even the shadows scared me
so i stayed where i felt the most comfortable
searching
yearning
to believe in something
to believe in myself
darkness turned to greys
i was no longer fitting the black and white
cause clear cuts don't break even with me
i took the hands wrapped around my songless throat
wrapped them around pens and mics instead
let alter egos speak for me instead
for us...instead
i was tired of bleeding beyond every 28 days
tired of this life being my natural cycle
fuck that!!
no looking back
no looking down
i keep telling myself this
yet
those shadows are still there
lurking
rotting
oh the smell
i don't like the way they touch me
stealing moments
memories slicing through keloid scars
rising to the occasion
ok i get it
deal with it
with them
with him
with her
with you
yeah with you
deal with it
no spades this time
take the jokers out
no matter how high the score
pens are like swords
burn the tip
cauterize the wound
feels like new tattoos
my battle
my beauty
my line
and i am pushing it!

Love Is...

in my world, she is the only perfection i know
besides this mother's pride thrice
stands tall and steadfast,
like her words
though it is her thoughts which reach me first
comforting
rocking my wounds to sleep
as she kisses each one to dream of healing
i am no longer afraid of mirrors
quick glances to avoid cracked reflections
or ghosts of past in peripherals
she challenges me to pull my hair back
face full forward, and smile
invite them all
of me
to this table
of me
let each of me speak
cry
yell
split into a million pieces if need be
its okay now
for she and i are hallowed ground
for when they have been heard
they
me
will heal
for they
are all of me
and i can't love myself
until i love myself all
why deny the ugly
which also makes me all the more beautiful?

This. Now. Always.

cyclonic dreams pierce eyelids
with chaotic realities
Zeus tendencies calms the storms swirling
as healing kisses
stitch gaping wounds closed
sandcastle wishes hold strong past the tides
with pearl understanding
hidden in the jewels of her eyes,
in a sea of men...
there she stands
my island...
waiting for me to swim to her shores
for she knows there is safety in her number of one
knows in order to capture the butterfly
she must first allow its freedom
to sit still and long enough for i
to land softly on her shoulder
and i did
and i will
stay
always
giving butterfly kisses
wrapping wings around her locked vines
drinking her sweet nectar
pollinating her heart
where flowers bloom in abundance....
how did i get so lucky
this lifetime?
she is my karma incarnate
good deeds paid forward
my amen at the end of every prayer
cheesy lines etched in the corners of my cheesy smile
just can't help it
checklists complete
yet still didn't see this one coming
God you knew i needed her
even before she was born
so you took your time getting her to me
knowing perfection was at hand
knowing the pain prepared me for understanding of self
of her
of love
i wouldn't change any of that....for this
this
kind
of
love
is...
is...
simply rare
God you knew she needed me
even before she was born
so you took your time getting me to her
knowing i needed to be ready for her greatness
knowing she needed my kinda love
just as much as i needed hers
yeah,
this kinda of love...
i knew it would be good
but never like this

thank u

so i only have one question,
"can we embarrass the universe with our love,
and cause even Venus to blush?"

she whispers, yes baby...
we already are

...a poem in progress...yet will never be finished (smile)

he teaches me well how to hate him, and loves me more for it
he teaches me well how to love him, and hates me more for it
--------------------------------------------
i can mindfuck you to satisfaction
with each flick of my tongue
using my metaphors as dreamy pillows
and my similes to keep you warm
--------------------------------------------
i gave you the name Morgan Michelle
because a piece of me died with you
before you could take one single breath

one hand a tight fist, the other 5 lil fingers spread open
as if holding on and letting go simultaneously
to the umbilical cord that binded us both no longer
--------------------------------------------
this is me...deal with it!
--------------------------------------------
my stomach bloats from all the bones i had to swallow
closets were overflowing
and the walls were beginning to talk back
---------------------------------------------
i see him
struggling
everyday
trying
to become the man
his father never was
trying
to become the man
his mother birthed him to be
but his instruction book disintegrated at the age of 15
the exact moment she took her last breath
he
running through the streets so fast
trying to go back to the moments before
before cancer no longer dined on her body
before the children said "where's mommy?"
his efforts proved futile
still
he has been searching for his best friend ever since
in every laugh
in every tear
in every memory burned into his cortex
like panoramic views
God can be cruel sometimes to a teenage boy.

Lion

i never thought you would show
nevermind stay
but you do
even when i don't
forgive me...please
for they know not what they do
these personalities split
the child,
needing mother
to keep the nightlight on
close creaking closet doors
check under beds for the boogie man i have become
the man,
needing a solid path
often walking all over you
showing the way to greener pastures
though i bring so much shit
the genius,
who struggles with normalcy
and can't quite figure out why 1+1 should only remain 2
the hustler,
needing his ride to die chick
to watch his back
when he doesn't even have his own
yet, you stay
being all these things and more
all awhile i walk through many doors
leaving you on the otherside standing in my rain
knocking gently
who gave you all those keys allowing these skeletons to stir?
i am not ready for reprieve
why are you so comfortable on this stage,
with no spotlight
except for the one i need beamed on me?
let me hide within the wings of you
you...
don't allow me to continue
rewrite these lines splitting my tongue,
injuring you
while the love notes i once wrote
get lodged between baby teeth
they can't stand the sweetness
decaying the truth i cannot speak
but don't stop searching for me within those reflective eyes
those eyes
its hard looking there sometimes
within the truth that freckles your irises
it must be what you hold onto
what you keep screaming at me with your precious puzzling prescence
though i only allow me to listen to your heartbroken smile
i want my kisses to prop up those sweet corners
run free through your forgiving lips to speak the truth of me
make me believe in me
i understand if can't take anymore
for i hang heavy on your wing torned shoulders
shake me off and back into your arms
i pray often in the name of ganja
you will not forsake me....

in progress

what lines, from your partner's piece, spoke to you the most?
Powder's lines"...we bravely injected chaos into our normally ordered lives
and with it
the prospect of all that is random
including love..."

pieces
puzzled
trying to fit securely next to the one missing
or is it lost?
forgotten?
swept in dusty corners
collecting cobwebs
waiting to spin a new story to capture
entwined with sticky heartstring wrappings
save this juicy morsel for another empty day
when hunger pains echo in the chambers
reverberating the walls
knowing you have just eaten
yet remain unsatisfied
peirce the succulence
allow the fangs to bite down slowly
into each level of injected chaos
urgency to burn
and release itself in twisted veins of no return
to find its way back home
wipe your mud ladden boots on the course matt
lying outside this creaking door of pandora's box
wipe again
since all that gritty dirt likes to cling to the undertones
feel it though
misshape the order
make it unrecognizable
so not to see it creeping up on you
like the paper lions roaring from these pens.....

piece took a turn, not quite sure if fits properly..pieces, puzzled lol

Satisfaction

grab a scrabble letter out of a bag. think of word that starts with that letter, and commit to it. write 25 lines with that word starting the sentence, you have 10 minutes. don't use the obvious use of the word. then pick 4 that speak to you the most, and use those 4 sentences in a piece. (20 minutes)

my letter: s
first word thought of: satisfaction

satisfaction moans lies across her lips as gentle as a midnight breeze
promising this time--difference--
newly repaired wings offer newly constructed paths
both still wet and fresh with anticipation
satisfaction tastes each morsel of thee
slowly
running its tongue
cautiously
along the jagged edges of contentment
daring nervous giggles to laugh authentically
with head thrown back into past
arms stretched wide around now
for if one satisfies the child inside the woman
she will always remain faithful to the lion
which dwells in the cavernous jungle
needing freedom from caged birds with no 1/2 beat tunes
sing girl
sing
yeah
satisfaction drips from atomic pens piercing holes through concrete writer's block
as night falls
and pillows call
ignoring the obvious
as amber-colored satisfaction crept over God's eyelids
no blinking this time

loaded roulette

he remains a loaded roulette
dancing with suicidal play
knows his role well with others
yet searches for forgotten lines
with her
her
zion woman in waiting
praying she does not lose her own salvation
trying to save apathy
welcomes the holywar
allowing his scriptures thrusted upon her
beckoning lips cry to be fed
while hands loop around full back arched
cavernous navels seeking echoes to capture
he keeps his secrets there
wrapped around cords rhythmically pulsating satisfaction
finds the point of entry with rim licking tongue
greedily drinking fertile nectar
life is here in this womb
not the kind one may think
but his seeds mingle with the God within
his place of rest since she first begat him in thought
he needs this heaven
yet gambles lustfully with familiar strangers
who desire not to hold his heart kindly
its better that way....
praying he will never throw snake eyes
or worse remain alone
at least in those few lingering chaotic moments
defending his honor
between sheets of divinity
he can burst through self-inflicted walls
slide his fingers in between cracking foundations
to bury the bloated feeling of death
his brittle wounds are invisible to the naked eye
but she sees him well
stuttering his eyelids like drifting butterflies
with no petals to rest upon
so she offers hers
jasmine infused vines
to wrap their healing sweetness around his cracking frame
binding his splitting atoms.....

working on this too...please feedback...does it flow well? make sense? blah blah blah

after the previous exercise was completed and read out loud, folks were paired up then had to read their piece again to one another...whatever line or word spoke to you, write it down...had 20ish minutes to write on those lines...and use in any way, shape, form, or emotion.
the words "bruised but strong. tattered but stronger. alive and healing," spoke to me from bfran's piece.

i carry the weight of me unevenly
heart shifting from degrees of seperation
from choice one day
legacy others
but most days i struggle with the duplicity of both
pulled in two different directions
minduful logic stares down at instinct
they too want to pull their share
insides twisted
memories pluck out my eyeballs
so not to be seen in dreamscapes
even in lullabies you can catch glimpses of me
playing hide-n-seek with open wrists
trying to release the poison of mother may i's
and dodgeball whoopings
grandmother's ealy morning redemption humming
often stitch these fautlines close
thick sav kisses greased and soften the pain
i often pierce the keloid risings
to hear the vibration of her voice trapped inside
the last time i heard her whisper
"i have no more blood to give, these walls are getting thin
and your depression is not foundation
rebuild
since you cannot put in a change of address card
criss-cross the sinuous you
to build stronger branches to hold yourself up
stand on your own shoulders
to see out of the peep hole of self discovery
nurture the seedlings which you thought forsaken
allow the offshoots to grow wildly without and within you
wrapping themselves around the weak spots
and filling in the gaps
its not about falling apart,
but what you do with the pieces you still have left.

Contemplative

one word written in the middle of a poster board, 4 words extend from main word, then more words built off each word added...there are infinite possibilities....then write a poem just looking at the words on the board...again the possibilities are infinite.
word in the middle was 'contemplative'

contemplative journey
carries great distance across broken bridges burning
but through fire
comes renewal and a rebirth
bruised ashes become the words pouring from the ends of fractured quills
revealing chalk outlines of a poet
hidden
built within patchworked scars of the hand that rocks the pen
seeing multiplicities of personalities
within turmoil of relfections from vivid white sheets of chaotic whispering paper
God stares back from reference points of truth
screaming from the margins
where the heart bleeds from lead poison
etching lines to feel the burn
to bare witness to silence
finally
being
heard

Skeletons

see me
through thin skin of translucent truths
i am not perfect
so i stitch the corners of my mouth just a lil' tighter
to keep the skeletons at bay
for they
they want to dance
want to dance on my tongue
scrap their skin along the backs of my chipped teeth
on the way out of my lips
dribble down my chin
then across my neck
to remind me
at any moment
they can kill me
sit upon drooping shoulders momentarily
chipping away at the heaviness
pierce deep into forgiving bleeding heart
where tattered ribbons dangle
with names written backwards
so you will always see you where you belong
whether coming or going
nestle themselves within an empty womb
for even skeletons need dance partners
and bigger floors to dance upon
come screaming through my lips
oozing across inner thighs of just needing to be loved
pooling at my feet....

working on it

i will scream my prayers into the sky
until it pounds on heaven's door
until the devil himself weeps
for he too, cannot stand the pain

i will scream my prayers into the heavens
until they make Jesus' ears bleed
let His blood rain down
and cover my son

amen


...and they did, and they do
thank you family

Let It Be

i know i may be too open or too revealing on these public electronic forums, at times; but i believe sometimes it can help others...my story, though out there, is not just mine...and anybody going through anything remotely similar will understand, even benefit somehow.
yes there are those who will nod or shake their heads in agreement or disagreement, and even those who will be empathetic, but there will also be those who will sit in judgement (even those who truly love me).
it truly is okay, lol but i will say this.....

this is my journey, my path, my steps, my life
it takes great courage to walk in my shoes, what i write here and in my poetry is but a glimpse of me...
glimpse meaning, you are on the outside.
outside looking in...never able to see the totality of the situation
you see what your eyes see, and we all know it is a perception...your reality of my situation.
you may think you have the "right" answers...but again, those are your answers for a perception of a reality you have never lived.
i do take all ideas, concerns, and even the haters (got to love the haters), wrap it up in a nice lil jagged pill and swallow...but at the end of the day, it is i who has to deal with me.
lately (past year or so), i have been doing pretty good with me
being comfortable in my own skin and finding out who this beautiful lady is...i like me a whole lot.
i am one of the oddest people i know, and guess what...i am fine with that. i date men in their 20's, love women with a passion, drink good vodka and smoke lots of good weed. my spirit is restless, and sometimes i listen and throw caution to the wind...and ride that bitch until i grow tired of that too.
i do crazy things...but perhaps that is a huge difference between me and them...I DO!...i refuse to be boxed into any situation, even if others think it is the "right" thing to do or think i am being selfish in my actions. i have lived life in that manner, after awhile it will slowly kill your spirit.
i can show you the scars to prove it, if you don't believe me.

i am trying one more time on this relationship with him, key word i am trying....so far to go, but it starts with one step..and i have taken that step, looking forward to the next one, though not quite sure where that particular step will land...but ready for it.
we are not married...not sure why i said that, but needed to be said.
like mentioned in a previous blog, just want to make sure everything was tried...but it is hard to try everything, when possibly it may be one sided or not enough. we will see right?
i will not settle for mediocrity or "just for the kids"...what does that teach them, really?
ready for this journey though...my journey, my path, my steps, my life

that kind of love we seek is possible though...i have tasted it before...and oh how sweet it was, and can still be...let it be


let it be
like a spring day on a winter's morning
new life through stagnancy and hibernation
warm suns awakening and laughing in the face of last sunsets
let it be
like roses beyond the normal color of red
simplicity and purity of Calla lilies
the wildness and originality of nature's fields
run with me through it
barefoot and free
let it be
better love
expected rain to water the seeds of faith
coaxed germination with soft kisses and talk beyond pillows
intertwined roots for foundational strength
heaven bound branches to hold rope swings and playful houses
play make-believe until fantasy becomes reality
be my king, my prince, my jester, my lifetime
i be your queen, your princess, your lady in waiting, your eternal
let it be
secrets written in the book of life
incantations fingered into magic
creating new "once upon a time's" on our time
and "lived happily ever after" even after
let it be
not forgotten
not safe
not for any other reason but ours
let it be
a better love

He Loves Me....Still

looking back into the archives, i found this...and i began to cry...good cry though.
we are going to try it again, work on this love we have had for so many years...just wanted to share...because we will need your prayers as well.
time to stop playing...time to heal...time to grow...time to love like never before


my jazz man,
loved me enough when i didn't love me
when i didn't love him
saved memories and morsels
w/in the grooves of melodies
to be played repeatedly
until i heard for the first time
again
let his butterfly float on the winds of change
until home's colors were painted just right
for the world's hues were becoming too heavy for wings to carry
hung blossoms around the door to beckon me home
encircled in love's cocoon
there he brought out his collection for me to hear
saved memories and morsels escaped from the grooves
floated up to my ears
and danced back into my heart
my jazz man
loved me enough
to hold on....

My Memoir...

(write your memoir in 6 words however you choose...write 6 stanzas, 5 lines each, each stanza with same word, each line has to begin with the word in your memoir..make it flow)
--------------------------

Born, i, from heartache
poetic resurrection
--------------------------

born i am
born i am to live past existing
born to exist despite my past
born to continue to live
born to live i
i am here
i woman
i love
i now
i now am in spite of you
from where do i go from here
from here to there
from in betweens
from filling gaps
from protruding gaping hearts
heartaches fills gaps
heart aches to feel
heartaches need no understanding to be
heartaches be of no understanding
heartaches make for good poetry
poetic intentions intend to put their best word forward
poetic forward pens will not lie still trying to write
poetic veins running thickly with poetry sustaining creation and
poetic heartache
poetic heartache i am thee
resurrection if you only knew
resurrection new
resurrection without knowing
resurrection knows
resurrection knows me

Zion

(zion was the word given to me...write 26 sentences with Zion as the first word in the sentence. then pick 5 sentences and incorporate into a piece related to something going on in the world. mine was two-fold...about a personal relationship, yet also a letter to the nation/world from Michelle Obama...the next first lady...wow still amazing to even say that)

My Dearest Zion
i inhale the death of you
to exhale me
been lost in translation
trying to translate the loss
of being lost without you
in your terms
on your terms
for Zion floats in the between vacant spaces
meet me halfway
dare to dream wholeness
peace of mind
so take care and mind my peace
this Zioness woman
watch her ways
feel her kiss
penetrate the way to wholeness
its best for both
slide slender fingers carefully below swiss-holed skin
in between today and tomorrow
take heed not to tear what has already been torn
even pressure causes diamonds to birth
let them drink mother's milk
paternal handlings bear witness to great seeds
as Zioness tendencies betray this heart
with good intentions
barren i am
but still bare succulent fruit
so bite
be satisfied
as holistic juices slide down lips
full of potential
licked from tips of fingers on point
and hear Zion within angelic laughs
coming from the dark cave of your being

From Grandmother To Me To Her For Me...to Forgive

cocooned harmony sings lullabies
for girl child in need of wings
she doesn't realize she already has
slow even breaths
beat ancestral love across wetness of birth
breathe child
inhale mahogany strength into fragile lungs
...you will hide your voice of woman
for many years to come
yet still write on my existence
long before
long after
reach deeply into front porch wisdom
blaze the trails i left fire upon
don't question
don't doubt
i am you
you are me
we are thee
then be...
hands deep in the struggle for self
prying open rib cages
to bare hearts to be broken
sewing kits in back pockets
for moments like these
squeeze every last drop of hope
onto screamless tongues
swallowed pride
will not allow
a mother's child to truly see
the child in her mother...
inked thumbs
bruise the pages from my mother's journal
juggles the eyes of angels
how different love can be...
prism reflections
imprison memories
of non forgiveness
umbilical cords
highwayed poison into altered beings
how can me come from thee?
breathe child...
for she too is in need of wings
she doesn't realize she already has
so sing with me
cocooned harmony lullabies
so she too can split her rib cage
to reveal her heart...
where is your sewing kit child
for moments like this?
how different love can be...