fall is coming, well as best as Texas can produce a Fall. at least it will take the edge off this sometimes unbearable heat, perhaps even take the edge off of mine.
Life is interesting, and always has proven to be. i stop saying "crazy," eventhough it could still be said; but by saying "interesting" means there is something unique and/or positive that will come of it...and that is growth.that is strength. that is painful lessons. that is forgiveness. that is introspection and overstanding. that is being still, listening to God and finding peace. that is still loving.
and i do
it is really simple actually.
just because certain people who were once my ace boo koo feel the need to keep poison on their tongues, and i choose to remove myself from their bulls-eye does not mean i have taken my love away.
just means i am protecting my sanity. protecting love. protecting my heart. i don't want it hardening or changing like my trust factor has diminished.
i have gone through several mourning stages after realizing certain parts of me were changing or dying . To realize things you once loved about yourself had to be curtailed because of someone else's actions, physically has caused me pain in its withering.
i have retreated, like a wounded animal licking her wounds; but far from being the victim. it is in the retreat where i will resurrect what i once so loved. i have no choice right now but to remain still. wait, scratch that...we always have a choice...in EVERY situation...so...i choose to remain still right now.
God is there
love is there
and she is there....she.is.there. and wherever she is...that is where you will find me.
this my friends is my truth, and no one knows my truth but i, everyone else has their own interpretations of my truth, which i find hurtfully hilarious.
it is what it is.
i do me...and i do me well...you know the rest.
i think if folks KNEW my truth, or took the time to get to know ME not other's words, they would be quite surprised and ashamed at how it differs from what they think. i have a sick fantasy of them lining up one by one, tear streaked face, some falling to their knees, apologizing for all their transgressions. i often have been impressed, though often broken into pieces because of it, of the creativity and cleverness of the wicked web's weave.
the closest one's have the ugliest designs.
oh if you knew...lol...it would be quite ironic actually.
yet details are not necessary, when others have their own colors to paint my life.
i throw my hands up, not in defeat but in enough! i refuse to comply.
those who refuse to let the weeds fill their ears, and choose to see my actions for their own will love me as love is suppose to be.
we all got our fucked up shit. i claim mine darling...do you?
so the wolf retreats to the cave of her heart, healing and rejuvenating, becoming stronger in a gentler warrior kind of way. Yet careful, a wounded animal is most dangerous.She is fiercely protective of her cubs, and the alpha Zeus who reigns beside her...i will do what is necessary for our survival.

you wounded me
yet i don't know why
i loved you
perhaps more than you loved you
perhaps more than i loved me
not any longer
i am done.
my arms are tired of reaching between the blades
fingers nicked to the bone
did you acquired the taste of my own blood
more than yours?
did you enjoy the smell of my tears
since they reminded you of authentic?
what was it about me you hated so much?
what was it about you i loved so much?
let me count the ways...
i had your back
even when your bully eye was on mine
did the first cut cause you to salivate?
did the healing cause you to smile?
did curiosity make you crave the cut again?
i get it
but you never got me
cause i love you
and it sux that i still do.
funny thing is...
well its just funny i choose to write about this on THIS day.

the wind calls my name
tells me its secrets
tells me it still holds my own
brushes through freshly washed hair
lifting and moving the weight
to find and remind my ears
of its truth
i cry
i laugh
i shudder
most days i just smile
for even secrets are memories
i turn to watch it leave
to see life be moved by its grace and power
pushing past perceived boundaries
making the world dance
praying it keeps its word.

Me

i am still trying to figure thing called "me" out
42 years strong
hasn't always been this way though
stood in the darkness most of my life
even the shadows scared me
so i stayed where i felt the most comfortable
searching
yearning
to believe in something
to believe in myself
darkness turned to greys
i was no longer fitting the black and white
cause clear cuts don't break even with me
i took the hands wrapped around my songless throat
wrapped them around pens and mics instead
let alter egos speak for me instead
for us...instead
i was tired of bleeding beyond every 28 days
tired of this life being my natural cycle
fuck that!!
no looking back
no looking down
i keep telling myself this
yet
those shadows are still there
lurking
rotting
oh the smell
i don't like the way they touch me
stealing moments
memories slicing through keloid scars
rising to the occasion
ok i get it
deal with it
with them
with him
with her
with you
yeah with you
deal with it
no spades this time
take the jokers out
no matter how high the score
pens are like swords
burn the tip
cauterize the wound
feels like new tattoos
my battle
my beauty
my line
and i am pushing it!

Love Is...

in my world, she is the only perfection i know
besides this mother's pride thrice
stands tall and steadfast,
like her words
though it is her thoughts which reach me first
comforting
rocking my wounds to sleep
as she kisses each one to dream of healing
i am no longer afraid of mirrors
quick glances to avoid cracked reflections
or ghosts of past in peripherals
she challenges me to pull my hair back
face full forward, and smile
invite them all
of me
to this table
of me
let each of me speak
cry
yell
split into a million pieces if need be
its okay now
for she and i are hallowed ground
for when they have been heard
they
me
will heal
for they
are all of me
and i can't love myself
until i love myself all
why deny the ugly
which also makes me all the more beautiful?

Things I Have Learned Lately...

--i am really ok

--that once again my filter is gone to crap...just don't have time for folks and their insecurities, fakeness, stupidity, lack of warmth...you get the point

--that my voice is stronger because of this (above). i recently voiced something to my father that had been a painful area in my life since i was in high school, although i did not get much acknowledgement or an apology from him...the look in his eyes and me releasing this...well...was quite enough...whew

--that i can be friends with opposing sides without taking sides...and others well i smile and stay in my corner...though that one took a lil longer, 'cause someone i love deeply was/is involved...hey we all got our stuff...no more judgements here

--relationships, no matter how good, tend to ebb and flow...doesn't mean anything is wrong (though sometimes there can be issues), or the love is less or not present...just means that particular day is doing its own thing...no worries

--i like being alone sometimes, and doing my own thing

--being a mother, no matter the kids age, is still tough, heartbreaking, and misguided at times...but oh so rewarding and worth it, every bit of it.

--i am not your average mother, and my kids LOVE me for this...they told me lol

--this is the first time in ANY of my love relationships, i haven't had to worry about the "other" coming in...nor the lies that follow...do you know how friggin' freeing that is? i can love without worries again...thank you baby

--i still am haunted by you...but i am stronger now, fleeting thoughts

--i really don't like when folks cross me...and i am a bit warped lol...snicker but i like it

Things I Have Learned About Myself...Lately...

this is something i am going to start doing...lil things i am realizing about myself or learning, whether good or bad (for lack of a better word)...things i know will not change, things i need to change...my growth, my backsliding, all of it...i will try to do it once a week, well try anyway...at least once a month...so much for once a week; but ya get what i am aiming for...

i am pretty damn funny, and i like to make people laugh...my comedic timing is quite on point...i didn't realize this before, but this safe place i am in lately, allows for the true me to shine

i think i am slowly losing my filter and my need to give a damn...seems to have gotten worse (or better, depends upon perspective) with age. i just don't have time for folks (or mine) BS, whining, or judgement anymore...like get with the program people...life is too short

i guess i really have never forgiven you, thought i did, and said i did...but guess truly i did not...and it is rearing its ugly head...in order for us to survive, i got to deal with this. i think it scares me i may not get past it (or i do), and still end up losing us.

i am one interesting chick...none like me

i am loving again the way i once did, and even loving myself a bit more because of it...because how can i love the way i need to, if i don't love myself the way i need to...i still have quite a ways to go, yet i am moving forward...even if they are baby steps

i don't like my mother...and though i need to work on it...i am okay with this fact

i am afraid i have lost my fire as a poet...it has been such a huge part of my life, but since falling in love, i have left a lot of it behind...just not angry any more, and my scars don't hurt as much...its not a bad thing though...i understand now what zae meant when he said between love and poetry, something/someone suffers...the trilogy cannot survive without consequences...i want to find my groove again with this mistress poetry, but i will choose THIS love anyday first!

my procrastination is just another word for avoidance...sigh

i am a brat, a spoiled brat, a cute one...but a brat nonetheless lol...and i don't care to work on it LOL...i like it

i notice big disagreements/terrible ugly fights tend to ensue during shifts/changes in my life...part of my flight or fight issues i believe...this one knocked me over the head when i realized it, and also looked back on my life...yep, every time...glad i am now aware, because that mess just ain't right.

i matter.

This Is For You...and You...and You...oh yeah and YOU

--yes she is my girlfriend
--yes i am quite aware she is a woman
--yes a HELLUVA one at that
--yes i know there will be issues
--no i will not run at the first sign of trouble
--no this is not a summer romance
--no I AM NOT playing
--yes I AM serious
--yes WE are quite serious
--no i am not the same woman YOU THINK i am
--yes you make me laugh lurking
--yes she is smitten
--yes i am just as smitten, if not more
--no i did not steal her from her
--yes she stole MY heart
--yes HE knows
--yes we have HIS blessing
--no its not easy for any of us
--no God will not condemn us...i mean He brought this together right?
--yes my kids adore her
--yes she adores my kids
--no i am NOT the seductress i have been sadly labeled
--no everything you thought i did when with her, you are incorrect
--yes i have always cared about her
--yes she knows i am a packaged deal
--no i will not leave them behind this time
--yes...again, its just THAT serious
--yes if you would like an invitation...send me your address lol
--yes i am in love
--no i have never felt this...like this...in this way
--yes SHE IS enough
--yes i will take great and BETTER care of her
--no its not going too fast
--yes you should be happy for me, her, for us
--no i don't need you...did i ever?
--yes get out of our stuff picking it apart and go get YOUR OWN happiness
--yes take care of YOUR OWN household pretty lady, seems your foot is in two doorways anyway
--no you cannot shake my happiness
--no i will not miss the phallic symbol...AT ALL
--yes i love the haters
--yes grow up
--yes should of put a ring on it....like she has...hmmmm

41 Reasons...and Facts about Shelle

1. i still search for God in all its forms, for there is not just one way nor one true/right religion...i try to wrap myself in He/She daily
2. my beautiful children, has been a learning experience...can't believe they are almost adults now...i think i did okay.
3. my male best friend who has been by my side pretty much my entire adult life. my rock, my foundation...what does life have in store for us now?
4. the relationship with my girl most don't get...you know what?...we don't care, 'cause we understand one another...even have our own language lol
5. i know how far i have come, despite what i have been through...if you truly knew my story...
6. loving this skin i am in finally, because i never use to
7. nobody has to tell me i am a good person or that i am one helluva woman...i know
8. i have loved, in one way or another, some amazing people...each one teaching me a lil bit more about me...no room for regrets
9. i am a pretty creative person when i just let go
10. poetry..so much to say to you, for you turned my life upside down and recreated me
11. found my voice May 2004...and i ain't shutup yet
12. i am starting to see my mother for the woman she needs me to see, a lil' more each day...i'm at least trying
13. it hurts like hell peeling away the layers, but necessary to find the authenticity of I
14. i still get severe stage fright everytime i hit the mic, breathing and prayer works wonders
15. i am quite aware of the power of this voice of mine, just hope folks truly hear me
16. this heart of mine is worn out, from giving it away so much...but hey, i keep pretty ribbons, thread, stickers, bandages, glitter, and glue to keep it together
17. i see things in other realms...really i do
18. i am odd and quirky, but i love that fact about myself
19. i am an Aries strong...and i do use my horns
20. i have a split personality, i joke about it, but its true
21. i am stronger than i give my self credit for
22. i still struggle with the negative talk, which has caused me to miss out on many opportunities
23. my insatiable sexual appetite (as sc once called it) gets me in trouble sometimes...ah but makes for great memories lol...don't judge...sexuality can be freeing...just keep it safe
24. my cooking skills will keep you satisfied...love the comfort foods
25. i got so much to do and still so much to own up to...pray for me
26. my grandmother was/still is one of the most important influences in/on my life...she was a trailblazer
27. i carry a lot of guilt i wasn't around as much in her last years
28. i enjoy making others feel good...whatever and however that may be...brings me satisfaction
29. i have a fetish for cherry cobbler and chocolate...no not together lol
30. my family is very important to me, somewhat quite traditional in that matter
31. i really love being me
32. all i want is "that kinda love"...such a hopeless romantic i am
33. you & i have been to hell and back, so this view from here is quite nice lately...you my dear have taught me so much about myself in a weird kinda way, may not talk on the phone much or hang out...but i know you got me, and i got you...even in our separate lanes lol
34. i am not living up to my potential...very aware of this
35. i hold onto people much longer than what their season is suppose to be
36. there is a specific reason(s) i am here, and i think it has to do with healing in someway through words...praying to find it soon
37. the older i get, the less time i have for bs and the people who speak it...next!
38. i have to be very careful about who i let in my space, believe the fact they can leave their essence on you, whether neg or pos. and not everyone has the best intentions
39. i have got to stop trying to heal the men in my life...especially if they don't want it or too afraid to want it...but i'm still here for them...just got to figure out how to separate the two
40. meditation and prayer are necessary
41. damn...i...am...41...years...old....now what?

Lion

i never thought you would show
nevermind stay
but you do
even when i don't
forgive me...please
for they know not what they do
these personalities split
the child,
needing mother
to keep the nightlight on
close creaking closet doors
check under beds for the boogie man i have become
the man,
needing a solid path
often walking all over you
showing the way to greener pastures
though i bring so much shit
the genius,
who struggles with normalcy
and can't quite figure out why 1+1 should only remain 2
the hustler,
needing his ride to die chick
to watch his back
when he doesn't even have his own
yet, you stay
being all these things and more
all awhile i walk through many doors
leaving you on the otherside standing in my rain
knocking gently
who gave you all those keys allowing these skeletons to stir?
i am not ready for reprieve
why are you so comfortable on this stage,
with no spotlight
except for the one i need beamed on me?
let me hide within the wings of you
you...
don't allow me to continue
rewrite these lines splitting my tongue,
injuring you
while the love notes i once wrote
get lodged between baby teeth
they can't stand the sweetness
decaying the truth i cannot speak
but don't stop searching for me within those reflective eyes
those eyes
its hard looking there sometimes
within the truth that freckles your irises
it must be what you hold onto
what you keep screaming at me with your precious puzzling prescence
though i only allow me to listen to your heartbroken smile
i want my kisses to prop up those sweet corners
run free through your forgiving lips to speak the truth of me
make me believe in me
i understand if can't take anymore
for i hang heavy on your wing torned shoulders
shake me off and back into your arms
i pray often in the name of ganja
you will not forsake me....

in progress

loaded roulette

he remains a loaded roulette
dancing with suicidal play
knows his role well with others
yet searches for forgotten lines
with her
her
zion woman in waiting
praying she does not lose her own salvation
trying to save apathy
welcomes the holywar
allowing his scriptures thrusted upon her
beckoning lips cry to be fed
while hands loop around full back arched
cavernous navels seeking echoes to capture
he keeps his secrets there
wrapped around cords rhythmically pulsating satisfaction
finds the point of entry with rim licking tongue
greedily drinking fertile nectar
life is here in this womb
not the kind one may think
but his seeds mingle with the God within
his place of rest since she first begat him in thought
he needs this heaven
yet gambles lustfully with familiar strangers
who desire not to hold his heart kindly
its better that way....
praying he will never throw snake eyes
or worse remain alone
at least in those few lingering chaotic moments
defending his honor
between sheets of divinity
he can burst through self-inflicted walls
slide his fingers in between cracking foundations
to bury the bloated feeling of death
his brittle wounds are invisible to the naked eye
but she sees him well
stuttering his eyelids like drifting butterflies
with no petals to rest upon
so she offers hers
jasmine infused vines
to wrap their healing sweetness around his cracking frame
binding his splitting atoms.....

working on this too...please feedback...does it flow well? make sense? blah blah blah

after the previous exercise was completed and read out loud, folks were paired up then had to read their piece again to one another...whatever line or word spoke to you, write it down...had 20ish minutes to write on those lines...and use in any way, shape, form, or emotion.
the words "bruised but strong. tattered but stronger. alive and healing," spoke to me from bfran's piece.

i carry the weight of me unevenly
heart shifting from degrees of seperation
from choice one day
legacy others
but most days i struggle with the duplicity of both
pulled in two different directions
minduful logic stares down at instinct
they too want to pull their share
insides twisted
memories pluck out my eyeballs
so not to be seen in dreamscapes
even in lullabies you can catch glimpses of me
playing hide-n-seek with open wrists
trying to release the poison of mother may i's
and dodgeball whoopings
grandmother's ealy morning redemption humming
often stitch these fautlines close
thick sav kisses greased and soften the pain
i often pierce the keloid risings
to hear the vibration of her voice trapped inside
the last time i heard her whisper
"i have no more blood to give, these walls are getting thin
and your depression is not foundation
rebuild
since you cannot put in a change of address card
criss-cross the sinuous you
to build stronger branches to hold yourself up
stand on your own shoulders
to see out of the peep hole of self discovery
nurture the seedlings which you thought forsaken
allow the offshoots to grow wildly without and within you
wrapping themselves around the weak spots
and filling in the gaps
its not about falling apart,
but what you do with the pieces you still have left.

Skeletons

see me
through thin skin of translucent truths
i am not perfect
so i stitch the corners of my mouth just a lil' tighter
to keep the skeletons at bay
for they
they want to dance
want to dance on my tongue
scrap their skin along the backs of my chipped teeth
on the way out of my lips
dribble down my chin
then across my neck
to remind me
at any moment
they can kill me
sit upon drooping shoulders momentarily
chipping away at the heaviness
pierce deep into forgiving bleeding heart
where tattered ribbons dangle
with names written backwards
so you will always see you where you belong
whether coming or going
nestle themselves within an empty womb
for even skeletons need dance partners
and bigger floors to dance upon
come screaming through my lips
oozing across inner thighs of just needing to be loved
pooling at my feet....

working on it

Let It Be

i know i may be too open or too revealing on these public electronic forums, at times; but i believe sometimes it can help others...my story, though out there, is not just mine...and anybody going through anything remotely similar will understand, even benefit somehow.
yes there are those who will nod or shake their heads in agreement or disagreement, and even those who will be empathetic, but there will also be those who will sit in judgement (even those who truly love me).
it truly is okay, lol but i will say this.....

this is my journey, my path, my steps, my life
it takes great courage to walk in my shoes, what i write here and in my poetry is but a glimpse of me...
glimpse meaning, you are on the outside.
outside looking in...never able to see the totality of the situation
you see what your eyes see, and we all know it is a perception...your reality of my situation.
you may think you have the "right" answers...but again, those are your answers for a perception of a reality you have never lived.
i do take all ideas, concerns, and even the haters (got to love the haters), wrap it up in a nice lil jagged pill and swallow...but at the end of the day, it is i who has to deal with me.
lately (past year or so), i have been doing pretty good with me
being comfortable in my own skin and finding out who this beautiful lady is...i like me a whole lot.
i am one of the oddest people i know, and guess what...i am fine with that. i date men in their 20's, love women with a passion, drink good vodka and smoke lots of good weed. my spirit is restless, and sometimes i listen and throw caution to the wind...and ride that bitch until i grow tired of that too.
i do crazy things...but perhaps that is a huge difference between me and them...I DO!...i refuse to be boxed into any situation, even if others think it is the "right" thing to do or think i am being selfish in my actions. i have lived life in that manner, after awhile it will slowly kill your spirit.
i can show you the scars to prove it, if you don't believe me.

i am trying one more time on this relationship with him, key word i am trying....so far to go, but it starts with one step..and i have taken that step, looking forward to the next one, though not quite sure where that particular step will land...but ready for it.
we are not married...not sure why i said that, but needed to be said.
like mentioned in a previous blog, just want to make sure everything was tried...but it is hard to try everything, when possibly it may be one sided or not enough. we will see right?
i will not settle for mediocrity or "just for the kids"...what does that teach them, really?
ready for this journey though...my journey, my path, my steps, my life

that kind of love we seek is possible though...i have tasted it before...and oh how sweet it was, and can still be...let it be


let it be
like a spring day on a winter's morning
new life through stagnancy and hibernation
warm suns awakening and laughing in the face of last sunsets
let it be
like roses beyond the normal color of red
simplicity and purity of Calla lilies
the wildness and originality of nature's fields
run with me through it
barefoot and free
let it be
better love
expected rain to water the seeds of faith
coaxed germination with soft kisses and talk beyond pillows
intertwined roots for foundational strength
heaven bound branches to hold rope swings and playful houses
play make-believe until fantasy becomes reality
be my king, my prince, my jester, my lifetime
i be your queen, your princess, your lady in waiting, your eternal
let it be
secrets written in the book of life
incantations fingered into magic
creating new "once upon a time's" on our time
and "lived happily ever after" even after
let it be
not forgotten
not safe
not for any other reason but ours
let it be
a better love

My Memoir...

(write your memoir in 6 words however you choose...write 6 stanzas, 5 lines each, each stanza with same word, each line has to begin with the word in your memoir..make it flow)
--------------------------

Born, i, from heartache
poetic resurrection
--------------------------

born i am
born i am to live past existing
born to exist despite my past
born to continue to live
born to live i
i am here
i woman
i love
i now
i now am in spite of you
from where do i go from here
from here to there
from in betweens
from filling gaps
from protruding gaping hearts
heartaches fills gaps
heart aches to feel
heartaches need no understanding to be
heartaches be of no understanding
heartaches make for good poetry
poetic intentions intend to put their best word forward
poetic forward pens will not lie still trying to write
poetic veins running thickly with poetry sustaining creation and
poetic heartache
poetic heartache i am thee
resurrection if you only knew
resurrection new
resurrection without knowing
resurrection knows
resurrection knows me

From Grandmother To Me To Her For Me...to Forgive

cocooned harmony sings lullabies
for girl child in need of wings
she doesn't realize she already has
slow even breaths
beat ancestral love across wetness of birth
breathe child
inhale mahogany strength into fragile lungs
...you will hide your voice of woman
for many years to come
yet still write on my existence
long before
long after
reach deeply into front porch wisdom
blaze the trails i left fire upon
don't question
don't doubt
i am you
you are me
we are thee
then be...
hands deep in the struggle for self
prying open rib cages
to bare hearts to be broken
sewing kits in back pockets
for moments like these
squeeze every last drop of hope
onto screamless tongues
swallowed pride
will not allow
a mother's child to truly see
the child in her mother...
inked thumbs
bruise the pages from my mother's journal
juggles the eyes of angels
how different love can be...
prism reflections
imprison memories
of non forgiveness
umbilical cords
highwayed poison into altered beings
how can me come from thee?
breathe child...
for she too is in need of wings
she doesn't realize she already has
so sing with me
cocooned harmony lullabies
so she too can split her rib cage
to reveal her heart...
where is your sewing kit child
for moments like this?
how different love can be...

a word used to freely for what really isn't
someone close to me once said, "just cause you feel something...doesn't mean you always act on it"...words never wiser
i keep this tidbit front and center
just cause it feels good...sho don't mean its good for you
so chill out
be still
listen
patience
what is for you is for you
and you will know which is which
if you care to really listen to the Universe
and it won't hurt like this...

Not Now

i got the right to be wrong
one time
many times in this lifetime
so let me be
go find another leading lady
to satisfy your understudies
oh but being wrong about you
felt so right
at the time...
...even now in fractured memories
i felt the feel of hands feeling softness
before the fall
caught you
like always
walking the tightrope
without safety nets
you were not there
yet i knew from experience
i was set up for the fall
by my own hands
still
stepped out on faith
repeatedly
faithless faith less than a mustard seed
who will believe in me?
if you have faith i will not be there
do i even exist?
and if i have faith in forgiveness
why is it so hard to pray?
all the amens have dried up with the tears........
i am taking my final bow
disappointment curtsies
no roses
no kisses
no standing ovations
faint bravos waft through the air
landing heavy at nondancing feet
i turn
hesitating
hoping for a reprieve
switch has been thrown
exit slowly
head held high
downcast eyes
heart beats drowning in captured pain
i got the right to be wrong...right?

my own love post...when knives stuck deep ain't enuff

tears fall
sliding across screaming lips
and a slowly festering bitter tongue
its not suppose to be like this
psuedo justification laid thick
upon torn bandages
not the ointment needed
careless whispers bleed the wounds
poisonous kisses leave deep imprints
instincts tried to save me
ignorance is bliss
blinders caused tunnel vision
when i looked into your eyes
your word was biblical
how can God ever believe in you?

scratch my eyes out
so i may never see it
slice my tongue into tiny pieces
so i may never speak it
lobotomize the exact moment
so i may never remember it
cut out the rest of my heart
so i may never feel it

dismember loyalty
within the acidity of your deep throat
moan your needs into brick pillows
and soiled sheets
fill the prescription
he will always be just what the doctor ordered
will even make house calls
with an appointment, of course

funny Karma always gets whats hers
she definitely bit me in the ass for the bed i laid in
i had it coming by my own indescretions
i wonder...
what she will do to you?

Because i am not alone in this

when i think of him
the mere thought...
causes my mouth to salivate
but the bitterness tatooed on my tongue
reminds me to spit
he is a taste i can no longer afford
empty morself left upon lips
i crave to taste something...anything
as i greedily try to feed this hunger
regurgitating a love affair
tearing at the lining of a soft heart
acidic holes penetrate
way past what i can no longer stomach
sugar sweet words carve pretty jagged lil' pills
forcing me to swallow promises of tomorrows
leaving me in yesterdays
without solid blueprints for a foundation
crumbling outer edges of an existance of simplicity
the sediment of sentiments weighs heavy
scratched across the backside of a bleeding heart
empty corridors echo of ghostly footsteps
closets full
too much to close
for he will not claim his share
i carry the burden of two
the space between forever and never
will consistently bare witness
the space between now and then
will consistently bare witness
the space between he and i
will consistently bare witness
a representation of contradictions
there is no freedom in reflections
that hold me through mere glances
sticky sweet residue clinging to tips of lashes
free falling in pupils causing blurry vision...i better blink
backward glances see the words
written in footprints turning into dust
the path has lost its way
unable to see future within futureless eyes
cracks into fissures
fissures into gorges
gorges into valleys for tears to fill
overflows taunt the levees to break
heartstrings just don't hold it together any longer
but forgiveness granted
as i blow harder to dry fragile wings to fly again

...bye-bye blackbird