Beautiful Day & Gratefulness...

--for the Creator & She...holding me together
--for this nasty crud finally slowly going away...man i was real sick
--for one of the best sxsw i have been to, the music and the people were great
--for my lil partner in crime...who knew lol
--for every door that closes...He always opens a window at least
--for not having a violent nature...but i will cut a mofo over my child...huh tay lol...she knows her momma is a bit off
--for being able to smell again just slightly
--for picking up my passion for reading again...check out One Day I Saw A Black King by J.D. Mason...literally had me crying in spots
--for the rain and the sunshine...always have to have both...otherwise how would anything grow
--for lessons in the pain...still confused, but slowly getting it...slowly
--for his lady coming into town finally...he is a nervous happy wreck!
--for another neo showdown to determine the team...should be interesting (you and you should be in it dammit!...but i understand...i guess lol)
--for the first day of spring....YEAH!!
--for 14 days until my 40th...like wow...okay
--for everything for a reason...everything!
--for your charming azz...the banker and the artist huh? balance/yin-yang
--for the my new nickname "tink"

its 2:18 in the morning

some of my weirdness lol...i started these lil whatevers a few months ago...very random, but that time kept coming up...odd right? for me not so much. some in an elevated state...okay well all of em really but who cares...thought it was interesting how the mind works when you don't hinder it

its 2:18 in the morning
this comes from the far reaches of mind
places i don't even let myself in
skeletons dying to talk
so speak
if you can
i dare you

its 2:18 in the morning
i am the only one awake on this planet right now
holding conversations with self
even answering the questions asked
does that make me schizophrenic
or just keeping myself company?
she and i have a strange relationship

its 2:18 in the morning
poetry haunts me
sits on lines of notebook paper
among random thoughts
if not written down quickly
will soon be forgotten
scribbled right next to grocery lists
and doodles of nothing
fighting to be seen
to sit next to other choice words
ready to mean something
to be spoken
hang tightly from the tips of tongues
salivating to be heard

its 2:18 in the morning
i think i'm dead
for i no longer dream
of you

its 2:18 in the morning
my exhales can't breathe
can't find a pulse
yesterday dug too deep
cutting off the blood supply
scratching my head
trying to grab onto thoughts
delete
space
insert
rewrite
again...caught on a hangnail
run-ons speeding ahead
into the sunset

its 2:18 in the morning
out of over 700 channels
you would think i could find
something decent to watch on tv
catch my attention with something other than
naked bodies, informercials or chat lines
these layers require more than mindless stimulation

its 2:18 in the morning
my hunger surpasses all yearnings right now
in need of something for the soul
she is wearing thin
so many years here
may not be able to thicken skin
but can pad my insides for the fall

melancholy seduction

i play tricks with my body
to make it think you are still here
slowly tracing thick silhouette
fingers teasing
bringing forth soft giggles of memories
yes...you were even there too.
the seduction of your kiss
played like jazzy tunes across lips
leaving sentiments behind
tasting caramel mixed with dark chocolate
i lick my tips as if no one is watching...
you strummed thighs
gently
like cello strings
softly
bringing notes to rise
deeply
perpetual state of seduction
so play me
play me like an acoustic vibe
far into the night
invade these hips
claim your space
satisfy this insatiable appetite
beyond satisfaction
let me linger
right there on the edge
pull me back
just a lil
slow it down
just a lil
until you feel the song
being created within the depths of my throat
let me sing
as my full body arches each note
don't let me breathe
fill in the unfinished ink along my back
with your demanding whispers
tracing lines with your tongue
coloring the lady's wings
make her fly
higher than what i could ever smoke...
i lick my tips as if no one is watching....
(work in progress)

Grow...

...become more than you are right now. grow into a greater sense of self. grow in your capacity to listen, to love. grow more deeply into your relationships.(yes, all of them.) admit that you're growing more beautiful with each passing day. grow sunflowers in the the front yard instead of grass. grow into yourself. catch up with the nose you always thought was too big, the heart that always seemed too open, the sexuality that seemed insatiable. grow beyond all the walls and fences you thought were stopping you. grow a garden that's alive and bright and luscious, multilayered and multitextured and filled with hardy perennials and showy anuuals. grow your own garden inside yourself, and tend it well and always.
--365 Words of Well-Being for Women by rachel snyder

such a small word "grow" with huge and powerful meaning and understanding. its the understanding we must do. it is the understanding that we must constantly grow within self...or hell at least try. one of the hardest things to do, as well though...i know this better than anyone. everyday is not perfect. everyday does not have to be perfect. i know i am one screwed up individual (hey admitting is half the problem right lol), but i also know i am one blessed screwed up individual who is constantly moving forward...no matter how small my steps may be. there are days i may walk backwards or even in circles...stuck in my own stuff. but i know those days are the ones i need to look at more closely...to look in the mirror a lil longer than usual. and that is okay. i just refuse to be the same as i was a lifetime ago, a year ago, a day ago, a minute ago. it is a choice, right?
this flower ain't through blooming yet...smile

Grieve...

...let yourself feel the pain of losing. grieve for a friendship that's over or a parent who has died. pour out the anguish that comes with being fired from your job, laying a beloved animal to rest, having your pride and your stature and your belongings stripped away from you. feel how much it hurts. take absolutely as long as you need. cry and wail. sob and fall to the floor if you must; put everything else aside while your tears flow. scream and bang your fists against something soft and cry out WHY?, knowing there isn't really an answer you can wrap your brain around. grieve for the loss of a part of yourself. when you're empty, when the grieving subsides, remember that spring always follows winter and that every time something dies, something else is born.
--rachel syder

sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go and just grieve...because it means you must feel.

And Even Now...Still I Am Grateful...

--for the Creator & She and their sustaining love
--for the way you & i kick it...we crazy but its good stuff
--for top of the head kisses and arms wrapped around me
--for you knowing i needed the escape...no questions asked...lets just chill.thank you
--for you wanting to protect me, even from afar...thank you...i will never forget it
--for all the great girl time we had...there will never be another you
--for my son and his gift of smile and laughter that he gives me daily
--for the maturity in taylor's walk and speech
--for prayer...for prayer...for prayer...for prayer...for prayer
--for the love i see in your eyes
--for stumbling steps...always teaching me about me
--for "and this too shall pass"...please let it be soon
--for stolen hope...i guess i needed the wakeup call...blessing in disguise
--for watching you move on the b-ball court...my eyes thank you sir
--for early morning "good morning madame"...with reply "good morning sir"...nice to know i am the first one you call to start your day
--for crazy text messages that make me laugh til it hurts, or gross me out lol
--for being the fantastic woman that i am...despite the skeletons of past
--for being a poet whose words run deep thru blue and red veins...may i bleed frequently
--for no matter what...i love you and you still...and wish you and you well...even still...maybe now you will be able to heal a lil bit more
--for letting go
--for holding on
--for forgiveness

My .02cents Up On My Soapbox Next to the Bible Thumpers

okay, so i recently received an email from a friend about Oprah Winfrey promoting and teaching about the "New Age Christ" on her online study course. This email was forwarded to her, which of course was forwarded many times before that i am sure. I get a lot of the religious type emails from this person, some i read, others i delete..others i save...never know when some good Godly inspiration will come in handy.
My issue with the whole email was it was so outrageously incorrect! I knew immediately the book in question had not been read by either the person sending it to me or the original perpetraitor who started the crap. sorry it touched a nerve. i am so sick of this happening. accusations, condemnations, judgements made...folks jumping on the band wagon, not even knowing where the wagon is going or who is driving...all in the name of the Great One. Church folks, the ones that preach the most...are the most judgemental hypocritical people on the planet...how the hell is that suppose to save souls...that is not what God is! In no way am i saying the person who sent this to me falls under this category, no,i am referring to the original author of these type of emails. but it worries me when so many blindly follow without checking out the facts themselves.
my response to the email: Actually, if you have read this book (and i am sure you passed this on w/o even have looked at the book), you would know this mass email sent out is false and is teaching negative religious propaganda itself. Funny to me, how when a person says they have spoken to, or heard Jesus speaking to them...folks are quick to say they are crazy and should be denounced. Its always church folk who are the most negative and judgemental.
God gave us the many ways to find our path to him, which is truly w/in ourselves anyway. God resides in each of us, He is not some far away entity we are not allowed to touch. If a book provides ways to find our true authentic selves, to love ourselves, to love others...for love is the ultimate form of God anyway...what is wrong with that.
Once again, if you have not read the book...seen the movie...heard the person...or whatever...don't send stuff blindly...it breeds negativity and hate...which is not of God."

she actually admitted she hadn't read the book at all and just quickly glanced at the email forwarded to her.....
exactly my point....very dangerous...getting off my box now

Free...

...free yourself! free yourself from habits that suppress you, people that depress you, rules that repress you. get rid of clothing that pinches, binds, or leaves red designs on your skin--and free yourself to move in comfort. free up some time every week--or every day--to express your creativity. free your mind of negative thoughts and belittling beliefs. sell your house and free yourself from the never-ending world of home maintenance. free yourself from draining relationships with people who want only to take and never to give. cut up your credit cards and free yourself from the vicious cycle of debt and interest that never goes away. free the poet that's locked inside you. free the athlete who never got to run, the ballerina who never got to dance, the diva who never had the freedom to sing. free yourself to be the woman you were always meant to be. AND BE FREE!
--rachel snyder

Forgive...

...experience the power of forgiveness. say I forgive you, and mean it. forgive everyone who ever wronged you. forgive him for breaking your heart. forgive her for telling everyone your deepest secret. forgive them both. stop holding grudges, and forgive. forgive yourself for being human, for not knowing all the answers all the time. once and for all, for the sake of your own sanity, forgive. let the sweet and simple rain of forgiveness wash over you. as for forgiveness, offer forgiveness. somewhere, find the inner depth to forgive the man who raped, to forgive the woman who killed, to forgive the friend who betrayed a loving trust. for life, for love, for peace forever; for you, for them, forgive.
--rachel snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

granting forgiveness to others or more importantly...to yourself...is simply freedom.
the freedom to live again, to love again, to love yourself again. one doesn't even have to let the other person know, or if the other person has passed on...its okay. but yes, you must mean it...for the universe always knows the truth...so does your heart. not forgiving gives the other party power...so now is the time to take it back...and let that shit go...love self, forgive self, forgive them....breathe again(my .02 cents)

flow...

...get out of your own way and let your life flow with the grace of a clear mountain stream. stop trying to orchestrate and manage your way through life. stop trying to swim against the current; the struggle will get you nowhere and will exhaust you in the process. flow into and out of your days without clinging desperately to worn-out ideas, deadened hopes, lifeless relationships. let go and let flow. spend time on the banks of a river, creek, or waterfall. feel the serenity and ease of the effortless flow. remember how a stone that is tumbled and carried by the flow ends up smooth and polished with no rough, ragged edges. be that stone and go with the flow.
--rachel snyder

let go and let flow....one of my new mottos for sure going into this new millenium for me. for my own sanity.
sometimes we are our own worse enemies getting in our own way...fighting against the current, self sabatoge, holding onto shiznit we don't have any business holding onto...or holding on way past the shelf life lol! my struggle...but i know not just my own
...i continue to flow

Find...

...find a way back. find a way forward. find your way through. find lots of women whose company you enjoy and, in the end, find yourself. find the missing link in your history, the one that explains your lingering sadness. find out what makes you feel most alive, and find ways to give it to yourself often. find the real questions before you worry about finding the answers. find a woman writer you adore and read everything ever written by her, for her, or about her. find a stone shaped like a heart and keep it in your pocket (and you did). find the truth behind people's hollow words. find a new, heatlthier, more satifying way to be in relationship with your lover. when you can't find what you're looking for, find the strength to keep on searching. eventually, you'll find what you need.
--rachel snyder

Because i am not alone in this

when i think of him
the mere thought...
causes my mouth to salivate
but the bitterness tatooed on my tongue
reminds me to spit
he is a taste i can no longer afford
empty morself left upon lips
i crave to taste something...anything
as i greedily try to feed this hunger
regurgitating a love affair
tearing at the lining of a soft heart
acidic holes penetrate
way past what i can no longer stomach
sugar sweet words carve pretty jagged lil' pills
forcing me to swallow promises of tomorrows
leaving me in yesterdays
without solid blueprints for a foundation
crumbling outer edges of an existance of simplicity
the sediment of sentiments weighs heavy
scratched across the backside of a bleeding heart
empty corridors echo of ghostly footsteps
closets full
too much to close
for he will not claim his share
i carry the burden of two
the space between forever and never
will consistently bare witness
the space between now and then
will consistently bare witness
the space between he and i
will consistently bare witness
a representation of contradictions
there is no freedom in reflections
that hold me through mere glances
sticky sweet residue clinging to tips of lashes
free falling in pupils causing blurry vision...i better blink
backward glances see the words
written in footprints turning into dust
the path has lost its way
unable to see future within futureless eyes
cracks into fissures
fissures into gorges
gorges into valleys for tears to fill
overflows taunt the levees to break
heartstrings just don't hold it together any longer
but forgiveness granted
as i blow harder to dry fragile wings to fly again

...bye-bye blackbird

Yes...Always...

--for the air that i am allowed to breathe
--for the forgiving heart beating in this chest
--for slowly peeling away the baggage...it tends to stick sometimes you know
--for allowing me to be part of the celebration...so much fun
--for the beauty in your fearlessness
--for the txt msgs and and voicemails received for her...really made her feel part of the ever growing strengthening circle
--for the power of sisterhood
--for taylor being asked to be on the JV track team by her coach!! now if she can just pull her grades up
--for the words dancing from our pens and burning the pages...damn poets i love ya'll
--for shoulders catching tears that will one day water the beautiful flower of you
--for stolen kisses
--for knowing happiness is truly a choice, even in the face of much pain...repeat to self often
--for maxwell's urban suite....i mean seriously!!

Feel...

...feel the pain, feel the joy, until you feel you'll surely evaporate. stop holding back from laughing with your belly, loving from the deepest places of your heart, swooning with the sensuality of life itself. feel how good it feels to love another human--and if you're lucky, to be loved in return. feel the warmth inside you when you do the right thing. feel the fire that's ignited when someone tramples that which matters to you. when another's disregard or arrogance enrages you, feel the anger rise up and roar! let your honest feelings come through, even the ones that make other people squirm. if you're not truly feeling, you're not truly alive--you're just going through the motions and getting nothing in return.
--rachel snyder

so many of us are not truly feeling, not living...just existing. we suffocate our true selves. sweep the pain and the anger underneath the rug of our souls. numb our very existance with over prescribed drugs, alcohol, and other vices...i am guilty of this as well.
this is not about any one life. i am not sitting in judgement, for fingers certainly point back at me.
from my own experience, i have only truly lived these last few years of my 30's and i know my beautiful 40's have even more great things in store for me.
the pain is still there. skeletons still rattle. some days i quiet the demons at the end of a smoke trail wafting through the air...but i am still choosing to feel most days, choosing to live, choosing to laugh in my own face.
we are in need of healing.
we are in need of feeling.
i will reach for you, as i need for you to reach for me
much love

Feed...

...feed your soul whatever it craves. feed your creative juices. feed them time, feed them space, feed them a rich diet of fantasty and friends and feelings. feed your spirit. feed on dance and song and prayer and ceremony. feed on the energy of the circle. feed yourself before you're starving, before you dry up. feed yourself from a river that is pure and untainted, sincere and unadulterated, fresh and clean and flowing. feed yourself...
--rachel snyder

Face...

...face the truth in its myriad forms. face the mirror and really, really look at your own eyes, the shape of your own lips. face another human being and let her eyes meet yours. face your own limitations--especially if you believe you don't have any. face the reality that life and death go hand in hand, that every expansion is followed by a contraction, that every winter eventually melts into spring. face your accusers. face up to your mistakes and resolve them as best you can. face east and greet each day with gratitude. face your own mother and see yourself where you can. if she's no longer here, face her in spirit. face the fact that you can't give your child everything he asks for, and face the fact that he'll probably keep on asking. face your dragons, face your demons. once you get a good look, resist the urge to do an immediate about-face.--rachel snyder

It has been a time for always grateful...

--for Creator & She...thank you for calming my spirt and allowing me to breathe
--for an amazing 2 weeks of poetry...i am full
--for allowing me to kidnap you for 2 days...lol
--for the beautiful valentine card you made me, and your excitement in explaining it to me...too cute
--for enjoying our night as a couple, eventhough we are not...but damn we are sexy together, huh
--for the poets in my life that feed me daily
--for my lil black panther...we are kindred spirits indeed
--for my big brother and all his new found happiness...u r living again
--for moving on no matter how hard...the healing continues and grows in the small footsteps
--for sharing our words with some fantastic receptive young minds on friday...days like those...you know you are doing something right
--for sharing a few words with you before the show...we doing good huh lol
--for the slight change of mind...i pray it will be us once again with the fiyah! representing
--for yummy gourmet veggie pies and sharing with you two on such a beautiful day
--for the flower you left on my dresser...its been hard for me too
--for the poet's circle on holy ground...amazing
--for always believing in love and its possibilities...i am patient
--for us as mothers and our love for our beautiful, somtimes straying children
--for breath and for this wonderful life

Enter...

...enter a room so that people know you've arrived. before you enter, take a deep breath. don't forget to exhale. when you enter a new phase of your life, mark it with a ceremony. leave your shoes off when you enter your bedroom. enter into a new relationship with your self: treat yourself with greater compassion; put yourself first more often. when life presents you with an opportunity the likes of which you never encoutered, open the door and enter. if you're scared, enter anyway. when you enter a restaurant or theater alone, enter with the knowledge that you have as much right to be there as anyone in a couple or a group. when you enter a forest, pause for prayer. when you enter a room filled with beautiful women of all sizes, all shapes, all colors, all ages, and all persuasions, enter with a grin on your face and enter proud.
--Rachel Syder 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

funny how you can hear a song and have it affect you in ways you would never imagine...in one moment change so much...even if you have heard it before...but for some reason, this time it was different....
these words: If God does nothing else for me, He has done enough!
i wept like a dang baby....thank you for always sustaining and protecting me

again....if God does NOTHING else for me, He has done ENOUGH!amen

Enrich...

...enrich the soil before sowing your seeds. enrich the life of a child with trips to the museum and the opera, to farms and forests and fantasy realms. enrich your friendships with the right blend of togetherness, apartness, sameness, and spontaneity. enrich your soul with long, quiet moments of contemplation every day. to enrich your capacity to love, love others. to enrich your capacity to be loved, do the same. enrich your worldview: dance a Balinese dance, eat a Scandinavian flatbread, sing a Russian song of mourning, honor an African hero. Enrich your own feminine spirit by paying greater heed to the cycles of the moon, to your own cycles, to the cycles of women around you. enrich the greater feminine spirit by being with women, sharing the truth of women's ways, calling in the mystery to reveal Herself to women's hearts and eyes.
--rachel snyder

'Tis Good, 'Tis Good

--for how the Universe listens to all that we scream and whisper...so be careful
--for the Universe also teaching me to be still and listen
--learning the power of meditation
--for a great night out with a special woman
--for the new people in my life and instant connections
--for her giving spirit
--for letting go of ghosts...damn why so hard
--for hilarious books and laughing outloud
--for learning new words over breakfast with my big brother and my lil black panther
--for support even when i screw up royally
--for our brother shameless coming back into the fold...see i knew you needed it...we did too
--for the way your eyes caress my skin
--for learning its okay to change the roles...i am still here for you
--for setting the bar high...thanks lalove
--for finding out you will be slamming in our finals...wow, a lil shocked but honored...whew will have to step my game up fo sho
--for what is turning into a really great and blessed year...and its only February...yes Lord...always a good thing

Endure...

...go through the darkness and come out the other side. when you think I can't stand another minute of this, know that you can. when you think I won't make it through another day, know that you will. when you can't take another moment of the pain and the fear and the feelings of hopelessness, take another moment anyway. endure the heartache and come out heartstrong. endure the tremors and the grief and the isolation and come out sturdy and robust and ready for another round. like a diamond in the making, endure the heat and the pressure for what seems like eternity, and emerge with a new brilliance and clarity. when you think you've come to your end, dig deep and endure.
--Rachel Snyder

Flow (work in progress...feedback please)

we continue to flow...
entertwined this time
throughout time
no turning back
back raises to his sun
becoming moon
fire signs in stars
make wishes on fallen ones
captured in our eyes
to light the way into my well
dips his bucket deep inside
to fill satisfaction to the brink

interactions of kinetic energy
speaks languages of the ancient ones
spoken words abandoned
for transcendent understanding
dancing in the temple of pure intimacy
even the air pulls away
from this sacred ground
of you and i

on this surreal continuum
fell into one another in fall
hearth glowing through winter
what will spring and summer bring
during this seasonal lifetime?
we are etched here
folded into always
numbered into infinity
a forever feel felt in one moment

i the light in his darkness
he the deepness in mine
there is no definition
nor label to explain
why would we want to?
it is what it is
complex in nature
simple in touch
and he does
skin craving his fingertips
lips craving my essence
nectar dripping from dream catchers
caught in jazzy translations

tongues pirouette along rims of lips
the reflection in my eyes
his favorite stage to be seen
even lashes hold hands
as pupils dive into one another
like skipped pebbles across still waters
causing reverberations to echo within Venus

smoking each other deeply
exhaled to the soul
a high beyond any altered state of mind
scripting fantasies past fantasies
wrists held in submission
i surrender gracefully
face downward to seek deeper inward
to find his rightful place
in a kingdom meant for him to rule
beside me
with me
sharing this burden and blessing called we
we continue to flow...

Empty...(this is where i am right now)

pour it out. dump it out. throw it out. empty every bag, box, and bureau. empty every closet, every corner, every cupboard, every cell. pull it out. drag it out. clean it out. clear it out. spread it out, sort it out. look at what you've collected, what you've stored, what you carry around with you every day of your life. empty out the old, the unwanted, the unusable. empty out the pain, the heartache, the memories. empty everything that offers nothing.leave things empty for a while. feel empty. feel the lack. feel your way through the nothingness, until at last you feel ready to fill.--rachel snyder

Reminded Everyday...

--for the Creator & She, and the the breath they allow to fill these lungs
--for the nights the words will not let me sleep
--for reconnecting with my beautiful cousins, nice to know as long as i have been looking for you...you have been looking for me
--for taylor bringing all her grades up and having more confidence in math now YEAH!
--for the sanctuary of my bedroom...and peace of mind
--for real talk...because i love you
--for writing poems together just for her
--for being that excited lil boy...u r too cute
--for you trusting me with your heart
--for a lil bit of sunshine on the dark days
--for just hanging out and being silly girl
--for the addiction of text twist
--for good books and good music
--for paying attention to the feeling in my gut...sux..but necessary
--for those of you who care enough to well...care...thank you

Empower...

i had forgotten about this lil' gem of a book...

...empower yourself to take full and complete charge of your life. reclaim the personal power that you never should have lost in the first place--and come to know that you never really did. feel the breadth of your own power: the power to feel deeply, the power to trust your own voice, the power to create and bring forth life. learn the true meaning of power: how to use it and not abuse it; how to stand in your power without stepping on anyone else's. join with other women to empower each other. summon up the inner will to co-create meaningful and joy-filled lives. empower yourself to take control of your financial life and to prevent others for taking control of your emotional life. remember: you have the power to empower, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise has absolutely no power over you.--365 words of well-being for women by rachel snyder

'cause lately i am all over the place...

Stand in your own fragile skin and claim yourself...you are more resiliant than you care to believe.
-----------------
broken glass shards carve love notes in distorted reflections.
will she ever see herself the same again?
fingers tracing slowly,
the fault lines etched in her skin feel like home
-----------------------
tell me you give a damn
tell me i am your everything
that you are a better person having met me
that it matters i am here
tell me you give a damn
that we can start revolutions together
can create a love story to make even Valentino jealous
that we can make babies together
not literally...well if you want to...
lil creations and windstorms
growing into greatness
--------------------
there are no children here
their laughs and smiles broken
trampled in the grooves
of freedom's boot
innocence laid out
sacrificed unwillingly
------------------
locked yourself in a prison
with bars of cold duality metal confusion
borderline schizophrenia edging the cell
------------------
i don't care about your past
i need your future
---------------
release the past with grace
---------------------
raindrops fall
sounding like hollow tipped bullets
exploding against my head
as memories play like a silent movie
----------------
contained in the silver lining of your sweet tongue
-----------
i swallowed your pride
so you could save face
-----------------------
there will never be enough time....

Thankful Thursdays...

--for the Creator & She
--for fairies and their magic
--for fun fight parties
--for my kick ass card partner, we held it down once again
--for hugs, real ones...
--for hanging out with my family at the festival...felt good to laugh with you again
--for knowing this arrangement is the best for right now
--for the beautiful women of NeoSoul...i mean damn
--for one step closer to getting this business off the ground
--for making goals and sticking to them
--for more herbal tea, and less coffee
--for having internet connection again, may be sloww azz dialup but hey
--for 70 more days
--for KNOWING i am my own best friend and my own worse enemy...but love me nevertheless
--for watching her creativity unfold...apple doesn't fall too far from the tree i guess

My Own Insane Randomness

why is it when you think its really really good, it gets really really bad?

why has my procrastination bit me in the ass again and i was sitting at home last night while Lupe Fiasco was jamming on the mic....NO I DON"T WANT DETAILS PEOPLE...let me be in my own misery please

i know its winter, but i really need the sun to come out...i think i'm turning invisible...my mother is darker than me now people...come on!!

why is my father still living with us...Lord if its not too much to ask...bless him with a girlfriend he can move in with please...amen

why was Hilary standing up there at the debates facing Obama like she was the playground bully ready to throw down..face looking like "What! What!"...still undecided

why are women disappearing more and more these days in Mexico and South America...yet the only mention in the media is that of American white women?

why has my son outgrown his sister in the last 2 weeks, and i won't even mention his feet!!

why did my son have to tell his older sister what an orgasm was? um i had this talk already with them...good to know he was listening...guess we will have the talk again it seems

why was my application at sears tagged non rehirable...okay i know why...but come on shit its sears people....damn call center! and i was one of their top employees! not top enough i guess lol...got to laugh about it

why can't a damn good, well endowed penis come with an good man...they seem to always be attached to the bad boys lol..and i always find them....well sometimes they have lil ones...but hey makes it easier to walk away right...damn did i say that..uh huh

why is it when a bunch of women get together, laughing and having a good time...men think we are up to something, talking about them , all having sex with one another...oh and our laughter is deemed CACKLING?

why is it when you are close to me i want to pic you up and just give you the most passionate deepest kiss you have ever had...and wisk you away to some deserted island...but i am afraid of rejection

why do men want their cake and eat it too

damn i look good for months from 40...okay that was my ego talking

why is it when i want to change bad habits, all hell breaks loose and temptation is a mutha

ok...nuff for now

More than just Thursdays, ya know...

--for the Creator & She...thank you will never be enough, but i will say it every moment in this lifetime and the next.
--for breakdowns that cause build-ups
--for you not knocking the crap out of me, but your eyes did, when i called you a different name. saw him past by earlier and was looking down when ya passed, all i saw in my peripheral w/o looking up was locs....my apologies...you are sssso SO much cuter
--for him going back to school, and talking to me in the wee hours when ya should be doing homework smarty pants
--for the beauty of her smile, his laugh, her grace....damn i am a blessed mom
--for having serious talks, not all pretty, but still with love...its going to be okay you know that right?
--for starting new adventures within new books...title is "Getting Our Breath Back"...hmmm
--for cheese sticks and brownies, very healthy don't ya know lol
--for getting through the madness or is it we just contained it
--for the beautiful fairy print you gave me...she gets me
--for my big brothas checking on me...love ya'll
--for his excitement and calling me first...its going to work itself out for you too
--for seeing you two together....yummy lol
--for having connections and understandings beyond this superficial plane
--for the words that flow....it continues
--for better understanding...nuff said

its funny how new things and new paths can divert your attention on what truly needs to be taken care of...
it was fun though...smile
this heart was and will always be in need of attention...i just need to make sure i am the one looking after it FIRST

i am taking back my power

love still is a beautiful thing
in all shapes
forms
and colors
no matter the round hole it was squeezed into
i am a fierce woman
remember that shelle

I Breathe and Say Thank You...

--for this life i have been blessed with by the Creator & She
--for the words that come through me and my pen
--for still having the passion for what i love so much
--for the way he looks in me
--for the hours we created without speaking outloud...amazing
--for believing in what it can be
--for clarity, and getting through the yucky stuff
--for my son's only concern being his mommy...damn nothing like our bond
--for ktown, road trips no matter how short, and the 3 of us...priceless
--for a new year of finding and loving me...standing in my own FIERCENESS!!!
--for wanting the women in my life to do the same...take my hand
--for knowing its okay to want what you once had...but will it ever be the same..we only wish for better...we only wish for new paths...faith can be a powerful thing.
--for finally a closet to myself lol...now the purging begins
--for friends no matter how far away, that keep me in their hearts
--for beautiful blue skies, feeling the sunshine, and enjoying the shadows
--for forgiveness...taste sweet

To You

not overly poetic, but more of a free write.
for some reason...for some reason...i am here with you....

i wear your pain
like the necklace you placed on my neck
fingers trembling
scared to give away
what you have been so comfortable with
all these years
i will take your gift with care
so you will have less to bare...

feel you hang between my breasts
near beating heart
needing its next rhythm
like a baby in the womb
lulled to sleep in sweet waters
dream child dream

let the backs of wings carry you
from this chaotic state of mind
wrap you in serenity and peace of mind
find a new place to call home
did you truly ever have one my child?

fly far away from demons and elves
who are watching and deceiving
do not listen to their lies
jealous of your beautiful light
make you believe bleeding is the only way
make you believe death is home
they want to taste your greatness
they know the truth...
warrior...
your survival
is their demise
your survival
brings joy to the High One
they cannot allow His smile

He is able
teaching me to be able
so give me what you cannot bare
i will accept all gifts
travel this path together
sometimes i will go a few steps ahead
to clear the road
other times perhaps fall a few steps behind
to clear my mind
but whenever you think i am not there
just reach
and feel my hand.....

streaming sun rays warms my face
casting full length shadows across notebooks
writing their own story...

Out with the old, in with the new...thankful for it all

--for Creator & She...you brought me through...few scratches, scars, and wear and tear...but hey
--for a year of teaching moments and inner reflection...we going to be alright shelle
--for being alive still
--for what i know will be one helluva new year...i'm ready
--for no resolutions this year, just a year of continuous growth...emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually
--for opening my heart up more
--for listening to the inner voice more...and listening well
--for love, no matter how fleeting...still feels good
--for my children...how did i get to be so lucky...each so different but still lil extensions of me
--for all the beautiful women in my life...each amazing...thank you for teaching me to trust again
--for knowing what is for me...is for me...no worries
--for poetry and its saving grace

confessions of a stone cold freak...

these are the confessions of a stone cold freak
so strap yourself in
this is about to get wicked...
'cause dem high yella gals freaky, right?
and daddy's friend must of known too
because he was a lil' too eager to tuck her in at night
payment, for teaching her how to play "chopsticks" on the piano
she still hates that fucking song

learned early
her skin
her face
her voice
was of no value
except for the pure selfish satisfaction
of being an object of Desire
no pun intended
funny, daddy knew what to name his babygirl even at her debut
and folks like you
have been making sure she lived up to her name ever since

so want some of this?
it'll cost you
they gave eagerly
candy, ice cream, toy dreams
then fine dining and shopping sprees
its all the same
trinkets worthless
making less worth of self at a great cost

she did as she was told
because young ladies are to be seen not heard
soft voice pushed down between supple young thighs
fingers parting sweet flesh was the only language they wanted to hear
she spoke it fluently
glassy eyed doll seen too much
closets and basements full of secrets
skeletons hung around way past Halloween

didn't want to be around certain neighbors
certain babysitters
whose gaze lingered a lil' too long
folks didn't understand her anger
her silence
her rebellion
thought she was just being a brat
not realizing she was already spoiled

kept the haunting of Christmas past
tucked neatly away in shiny new buster brown shoes
walked in hard daily
wearing down the soul

(need better transition here...)

traded one house of horrors for another
the beautiful monster
who painted her skin in different hues
changed the color of her eyes daily
pieces of man
shattered woman
split self
split wrists
in order to survive

had to relearn to rebend her neck
hold her head up high
shoulders squared
heart fierce
knowing she was...
good enough to fuck
but not to love
enough to play house
but not be the house
enough to store babies
but not birth them
enough to be seen
but not protect

so go ahead, call her what you like
for she is so much more than the words written into her existence
or into your gossip
you don't know her
you don't truly see her
all you see is this...
and this...
and hear this...
labeled
boxed
judged
condemned
for confessions of a stone cold freak
'cause dem high yella gals freaky, right?

it seems,though some light has come into my life...its funny how the darkness demands to be heard...so, i will let it speak..it is time. i am in a good place, so don't worry about me...interesting how he brings this forth. demands i look truly @ the reflection.

so much history etched beneath skin
so deep
bruises have yet to surface
yet to color her earth tone skin
even the veins reach for healing
returning to its origin to no avail
with each breath
with each scream
with each sigh
wrote a prayer once in the bend of her wrists
blood bled like rosary beads at her feet
"hail Mary, full of grace...
it has been 39 years since my last confession...
forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."
39 years since her mother's screams anointed her crown
turning back is not an option
crows have gorged from the morsels of pain left behind
path never the same
nor remembered
she is her mother's daughter
yet never really knowing a daughter's mother
shell's of maternal women with no instincts
there was no handbook for this
how does a child become a woman,
healthy and full?
she doesn't really
the dress will always be soiled no matter what
tattered at the seams
many masks worn
many walls built
rooms without doors or windows to breathe
hides in shadows the sun refuses to seep into
self preservation at its finest
......

Blessed I know...

--for the Creator & She and their amazing Grace...maaaan!
--for the fact you made it through the crash a lil bruised and sore...but still here
--for recognizing it was you before i knew it was you, and laughing in the cold
--for phone calls and funny text messages...growth
--for the way he looks at me, despite myself
--for a house of laughter, making it easier to forget
--for the smiles on my babies faces...they make it all worth it ya know
--for words coming still...how can i say no? i don't
--for being okay with decisions made
--for my girl loving being home, i can hear her laughing from here.
--for waking up to beautiful sunrises next to you and not caring about a damn thang!
--for learning the new language you speak...be patient with me for i am afraid of what i want the most
--for blessings raining down at the last minute...He is ALWAYS on time...i dare you to say otherwise
--for some very special ladies in my life..Lisa and Trice you are incredible...there are no words
--for knowing we women are so much more alike than we are different, right babygirl?
--for watching the creativity bloom in her hands
--for new paths...so new, its hard to find my footing
--for the need of the mic tonight...not speaking, but listening...but plans of changed...again everything for a reason
--for 100 days from Christmas Day to my 40th..wow
--for a shedding of skin even though it hurts
--for a challenge i have made to myself...and the passion, power, discipline, prayers to keep it!!

got 10 minutes left on the computer......

i tip toe thru spaces within
too small for even my shadow to dwell
playing hide-n-seek with reality
come get me
yeah you
don't worry about me
i will get over myself
cause the underneath hurts
but life gotta way of doing that ya know
so now what?
million dollar questions
hope to pay dividends
split stocks
split selves
not enough to go around
feed back into me
starving on what i give
no nourishment
flavor is different
in need of seasoning
just to swallow
taste funny
always does with something new
maybe the thud in the pit of my stomach is trying to tell me something...
pray i listen and take heed

odd place this is to be...

Um yeah...

--for Creator & She...i must be careful what i ask for, i just might of got it.
--for new beginnings, and shedding the old...i am sorry
--for 12 hours straight on the phone, and it still wasn't enough
--for giggles and laughs until it hurt...like um are we suppose to do that at such an intimate moment lol
--for eating bomb azz sandwiches with blueberry hot tea..in warm socks and tshirts
--for interesting chess games...very interesting
--for you reaching out
--for his new car...yeah big brotha b...sometimes life pushes you to long needed action
--for long walks and christmas lights...don't you just love this time of year
--for family
--for sunshine going home..enjoy ma
--for the tears that water the flowers that will soon bloom
--for the words you speak and the ones your eyes scream
--for the lovely women in my life...i have learned, and continue to learn so much
--for leaping out on faith...try to catch me if the wings don't work ok?
--for my brothers, even if not by blood, checking on me...how did i get so lucky?

look here
within
places i don't see
but obviously you do
choices i have made
not to observe
protects me
ignorance is bliss
right?
i have been here before with you
different time, different place
same heartache

darkness seeks light not to destroy
but to help it find its way
then to posses
you see that
watching me
studying me
praying that i see
i do

i have walked into the lion's den
conversations spoken without words
eyes piercing the impenetrable
you do not have to fight here
i came willingly relinquishing self
honor this temple you enter often
for it is your saving grace


peace

Thankful.....

--for the Creator & She and sustaining Grace
--for dismissed cases....YEAH!!
--for cold days, though this can't make up its mind weather is driving me nuts...i'll take the cold, no rain, for 200 Alex
--for close library's with internet
--for yummy omelets from a crazy place called The Omelettry...seriously lol
--for babygirl and all the new possibilities...don't you dare feel guilty for your taking charge of your own happiness
--for understanding the pain you are going through...unfortunately our circles are small...but love is big
--for great goodwill finds and my decorating hands
--for inspiration
--for not having to hear you talk about yourself ever again lol...and you probably don't have a clue
--for jessica playing in my hair...quality time together can be so beautiful...sigh she has grown so much
--for her saying she WANTS to go back to school next year...thank GOD
--for the way my puppy Theo keeps me laughing and how he needs to be no further than 5ft away from me at all times...my dog for sure
--for giving myself 90 days to get it together...90 days!!!!!
--for new pieces flowing...already working on 2 more...the poet gods are being generous...thank you thank you!
--for slamming again against some good poets...great show
--for seeing how funny you are on the mic, missed ya hosting lady...good job
--for good chocolate...nothing like it

What's Been Going On....

well...
-internet is down @ home, so i'm at the library...reasons for no posts of late
-working on few new pieces..one in particular is maddening...timed at 4min 22 seconds...hell that won't work at all...hate slicing my baby dammit
-headed to antone's tonight to see Ms Faylita do the damn thang...she made it to the top 5 on famecast...like wow
-moving closer and closer to personal goals...let you know when i've arrived lol
-uhhh its December already, how did that happen
-my eating is out of control...must be making up for lack of sex...yeah i said it...acknowledging is half the battle right...i'm stupid
-slowly making my way back to legal as well hahaha, license reinstated YES!!
-still making beautiful different jewelry....cough cough that will make GREAT christmas gifts...holla!
-decorating for the holidays...uh again how did december get here so fast
-missing you
-detesting you
-loving me
-there ya go, continued blessings
peace out

Thank you....

always be grateful. give thanks for all that you have, no matter how little or how much that may be. thank your grandmother for wonderful cheekbones, thank your fourth-grade teacher for getting you that special book on how bridges are built. when you get through another day, say Thank you to God or Goddess or whoever you believe is in charge. be thankful for the music that leaves make when tickled by a warm breeze; be thankful for rain. when your promotion comes through, say Thank you. when a friend lets you sleep on her sofa because you can't be anywhere else, say Thank you. be thankful that you have two arms and legs that work. if you don't, be thankful you still have a heart with which to give thanks.
--rachel snyder 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

...oh and i am! the house is finally quiet. leftovers are dwindling. it is cold and rainy outside. feeling warm and melancholy inside.
therefore, i want to say a few thank you's to some folks who have touched my life..whether briefly, long term, past, present, or whatever way...everything for a reason...each teaching moments, if you pay attention.
I know i am truly blessed for each of you...my heart is full.
--for Creator & She, sustaining and protecting me from seen and unseen, for blessing me endlessly
--for Grandmother Jewel, you were/are my cornerstone in this life. my everything. thank you for being what my parents lacked. thank you for your strong deep roots growing through me, even today.
--for my family, far and near...may be small, may be dysfunctional, but you are me, and i am you...still a family, still love
--for my children, thank you for being my reasons times 3...you make me laugh 'til it hurts, cry sometimes, smile everyday...thank you for completing me
--for tarik, our first thanksgiving apart in 16yrs...wow...thank you for the wings you help to grow, thank you for always having my back and being my cheerleader, thank you for being a great father, thank you for the real love so long ago. i know we wish things were different, but know you will always be my best friend. i love you
--for "g" thank you for wanting to create life with me...just wasn't in the cards
--for "sc" thank you for the dangerously in love passion...destiny...thank you for teaching me so much about me.
--for lisa, thank you for being a praying friend and kicking me in the azz when i needed it...thank you for your realness sis and knowing it is all love
--for my neosoul family...wow...what do i say...nothing like being a souljah, sharing stages, sharing words, laughs, tears, pain, and most of all love for the passion of poetry. thank you for recreating who it is i am...
--for my extended neo family and poets met along the way, thank you for your words, your friendships, your pushing the envelope, for making me want to grow as a writer and performer...
--for sarah, thank you for keeping me laughing, the teaching moments, the craziness, for being my partner in crime, for fuzzy slippers, for letting me be w/o the makeup.
--for ebony, thank you for being the beautiful, "i don't give a damn"(but i know you do)gully babygirl that you are, thank you for you and i always being able to say "Look, dammit!" and being able to work it out. thank you for letting me see the vulnerable you which is just as beautiful.
--for brian, thank you for being my big brotha from day one, thank you for the stepping out on faith road trip, for the big heart and big smile, thank you for the strong shoulders and knowing when things just not right. love ya
--for jo, joey, josephine, ms scrumptious, thank you for letting your home be the first place my wings landed, for girl talk, for your huge huge giving heart, for being able to see the growth through the pain, for allowing me to be part of the newness (hell yes!)thank you for always making me stutter lol, thank you for creating such a beautiful poet and poem.
--for kim, thank you for being on helluva a card partner, for seeing and feeling we might be getting it right away from the table, thank you for the teaching moments, for the knowing looks lol, for creating such beautiful pictures with your words, thank you for gentle pushes and encouragement.
--for herman & june, thank you for having a spot that changed my life, that gave me huge wings, that constantly challenges me, that covers and warms me like grandmother's quilt, thank you for believing in me...never enough thank you's
--for evan, thank you for being the fellow aries who just gets me, for the late night writing sessions, for random photos on my camera, and helping me take my big girl pills, thank you for making me feel we have known one another forever...neoooooo!
--ummm for me, thank you for forgiving yourself for the past, well most of it, for growing, enjoying, living, trusting, healing, loving, believing again...love every moment girl, fly as high as you can...fall, then fly again.
--for anyone who feels they should of been named personally, but is not...i'm sorry, don't take it personally...each one and so many are woven throughout my life, some unraveled, some worn, some deeper than others, but still all connected...together a beautiful tapestry called I
so thankful for such a long list

Emerge...

Come out of the shadows and come into your own. leave behind your armor and your shells and your veils and your protection and emerge fresh and newly born. today, step from behind your screens and masks, peel away the layers upon layers of fear and emerge into a world of love and trust. emerge in your own time, in your own way, with your chosen guides at your side. see the world through the eyes of a the woman you were always destined to be. like a tiny chick cracking her way out of a darkened egg, emerge. like a radiant butterfly, like a glorious rose opening from a tightly closed bud, emerge. out of your past and into the gift that is your present, emerge. when it's time, when you're ready, emerge.
--Rachel Snyder

My Heart Is Full...

--for Creator & She...amazing what joy you bless me with
--for my kids and the constant unconditional love
--for the women in my life, each a reflection, each a special beauty, each teaching moments, each phenomenal, no matter--what the common bond is there...
--for intense card games with the lovely ladies in green...we held it down though
--for helluva good time just hanging out with the ladies
--for strong hugs of i'm sorry and its okay all wrapped into one
--for you holding it together when she was "sandbagging" just walk away lol
--for me, b, ka, and the everready bunny, shaking our groove thang
--for the tree house and all its healing power
--for watching my lovely daughter on stage during her dance recital...i cried the whole time
--for nice dates with you, too cute how you try to impress me so much
--for the trust game walking down congress...dang i got issues lol
--for kind words...you know they really do go a long way
--for you making it to the top 10...you go girl!
--for you asking her about me, though she wouldn't give you the satisfaction...haha...don't you love the ones who got ya back lol
--for shoulder kisses
--for babygirl being able to exhale...i'm sooooo smiling
--for him calling me just elated...no more doughnuts lol...creme brulee only lol!
--for knowing somewhere out there...that special kind of love is out there for just for me...what is meant to be will be...no need to worry
--for the pen writing what i don't understand...but i am ok with that...there is a reason
--for you letting me vent, you get me so well king

i wished for you upon a comet's tail
wished 3 times on golden stars
blew gently...
only to realize you were an angel
falling from heaven
or were you
falling from grace?
still so beautiful
saw you race across the sky
dance on saturn's rings
and sit within the imagination of pluto
the fire of the sun
dried your tears
and colored the tips of your tresses
i watched you...
braid ribbons of venus into your hair
wrap jupiter's moons in your lashes
and colored your lips with the red clay of mars
draped the milky way across your shoulders
to keep you warm
because the closer to earth you fell
the colder it became...
my love for you would never be enough
to save you
for the unrighteous want a taste of your purity
your sweetness
your angelic state of mind
they taste you in nibbles
swallow in gulps
until the original blueprint no longer exists
regurgitating your worth as nothing
want to rest in the back of your throat
to feel the rhythm of your speech
though the words you speak mean nothing to them
so they silence your voice with their pretense
still wanting your mouth
still wanting your temple degraded
kingdom thighs thrown open
womb heavy
carrying no nations
though false deities stake claim often
leaving behind diseased semen
to water the flowers
no longer bearing evolutionary seeds
thorns pierce from the inside
internal bleeding kills slowly
and Great Mother is weeping
for her child...
your thick thighs, hips, and full lips
were never meant for these images
nor for amusement and entertainment
this place is not for you
no matter the promises unkept
but be careful, the kingless children are watching
peeping through fool's gold
draped around their necks like nooses
waiting for you to value you
so i tip toe across heaven
plucking feathers from the backs of sleeping angels
dipping quills in a poet's ink
and writing prayers of redemption
along the backside of each
binding them with the lost ribbons of Venus
that once adorned your hair
wings may feel strange
may not fit like they use to
but they will help you fly with worth
and return you to your rightful place
and i pray the lost kings will follow...

(work in progress...feedback appreciated)

Embrace...

Open your arms wide enough to hold close everything that you hold dear. open your heart and wrap it around thirteen other hearts. now stretch it a bit further and embrace thirteen thousand hearts. take in a new idea, a new way of looking at things, and try it on for size. embrace it. give your honey a squeeze. ask for one in return. ask for lots. sink into every one. hug from your shoulders to your hearts to your bellies to your pelvises and down to your toes. feel the life force in yourself, in others, when you embrace. hug someone who never expected it--yet who needs it all the more. embrace the totality of who you are. hug your wounds, your tender spots. embrace those parts of yourself you thought you could never, ever touch. drink them all in with your deepest, most gentle embrace.
--rachel snyder

before you go
leave your sweet poison on my lips
taste life and death
taste them and me
which is sweeter love?
you bit a long time ago
i took the bait though
wounds still fresh
still call your name
seeking your knife
to cut deeper
its how i feel
and i remember well

Drop...

Drop the act already! drop your armor and be vulnerable. just drop it to the floor. once in a while, drop your defenses and yield. drop your shoulders and drop your jaw so your energy can drop down into your belly where it belongs. drop your pretenses and be real. drop your masks and shrouds and veils and whatever else you've been holding up in front of you for so long. drop anything and everything that gets between you and your truth. that gets between you and other human beings. when others just don't get it, drop a few hints. drop a bombshell. when you're ready to drop from exhaustion, drop to your knees and ask for help. you never know what--or who--might drop from the sky.
--rachel snyder

Dig...

Dig in the earth and feel the moist soil teeming with life. dig in the sand and discover where the glowing warmth meets the cool dampness. dig deep for answers: push past layer upon layer and dig down until you strike the gold of your own truth. dig a hole and bury your tears. dig a grave and bury the robin you found at the side of the road. dig a hole just deep enough to plant the seeds you want to flower and blossom in your life, but not so deep you fall into it time and time again. dig for treasure wherever and however it's buried. when you feel you've exhausted all your strength and all your courage and all your compassion, dig deep and discover how much further you can dig.
--Rachel Snyder

Die...

sometimes, part of you must die so that other parts can live. let the controller part of you die, and you'll be able to trust and receive more. when the overbearing part of you dies, a softer, more compassionate you will thrive. let the natural cycle of life, death, and rebirth be your guide. when your overarching need to do, to achieve, to produce is allowed to die, only then will you be able simply to be. when you are ready to let go of an old pattern that no longer serves you, it is a good day to let it die. honor the passing of any part of yourself, for it has helped shape who you are becoming. acknowledge your loss, mourn the dying, and turn to embrace the birth of a new and healthier you.
--rachel snyder

Fantastic Fridays...

--for the one who continuously blesses me, there are never enough thank you's to say, but i am always grateful
--for a great poetic weekend with the neo fam...exposing folks to the new
--for getting my wheels back...YES
--for seeing kami's eyes light up when he sees his mom and dad in the stands
--for tarik not having a cracked ankle, just really bad sprang.
--for seeing my mom, its been too long
--for knowing and feeling that He was with me on the mic last night
--for my babygirl...for my babygirl...for my babygirl...we are in a real good place right now
--for the night she and my brother decide to come out to neo...everything for a reason
--for the women of neo doing it and doing it, and doing it WELL
--for you sending me pix that cracked me up, and the kind words that followed
--for herm and june, fellow poets and the audience...my heart is full
--for you getting on the mic again, yeah that was needed babygirl...don't forget to txt me lol
--for days the world is weighing heavy and things just ain't right, i can still find a lil good in it...its important to my sanity
--for new words, some not quite ready to be spoken, but want to be written

Depend...

depend on others to make good on their promises. depend on yourself to do the same. depend on her to honor your agreement. depend on him to tell the truth. depend on yourself to learn the difference between codependency and interdependency. be very clear about who you can depend on and who you can't. don't depend on somebody else to clean up your messes. create boundaries you can depend on, even when the winds are blowing. entrust your most valuable ideas, hopes, secrets, and dreams to people you can depend on. take a long, hard look at whom you're depending on these days-and for what. take a person's hand in yours, look straight into their eyes, and say I'm depending on you. in the end, be prepared to depend on yourself if those around you prove undependable.
-rachel snyder

Da Weekend...

....was rejuvinating indeed. Drove down to san antonio saturday night for "The Recipe"...a lil shin dig vocab, glo, and savant entertainment put together. great night of poetry, music, and laughs....best part, i have 2...first, riding down there with all my brothers...second, being able to feature with my neo family....felt good again.
by the way kevin sandbloom is a nut!! i really like how more and more he reveals himself when around us...he is a comedian!
Then sunday headed out to giddings for another show @ Tony's house. we made a quick stop @ an old friend's resting place. love you tweety.
the place was packed, and the poets showed out. tony's chest was stuck out lol. i would say 98% of the folks there had NEVER been exposed to spoken word...so it was a treat two-fold. all the different styles present, no ego's, no competetion, no whatever...just sharing of selves, a plush red carpet, and words...good words. the impromptu haiku death match was too funny! but once again, we came together, rode together, laughed together...ALL of us felt damn good together.
much needed...my spirit is full.

Deepen...

go deeper. deepen your capacity to love by loving more people more deeply. deepen your understanding of your own psyche by reading about the goddesses Diana, Hestia, Aprodite, Sophia. deepen your knowledge of everything. rely on every tool available to you. deepen your ties to other women. understand them more deeply, treasure thier friendships more deeply. know them in a deeper way. deepen every relationship you have. go to new levels of caring, of honesty. deepen your willingness to risk. when you sink into the depths, go deeper into your own darkness and embrace it more deeply. dive deeper into your own consciousness so you can mine the most precious jewels that lie deep within. deepen your inner wisdom as you age, and your outer beauty deepens, too.
--rachel snyder

Fantastic fridays...

--for Creator & She, their grace and blessings
--for better days thru the darkness...that its temporary
--for a great slam last night, enjoyed just watching it all unfold..and seeing 13 represent!!
--for a great feature, and finding out we have the EXACT same birthday...but im older of course
--for the Killeen crew...love 'em
--for retrieving buried treasure from the trash
--for the fabulous women in my life, and the new ones coming in
--for this skin i'm in...fits me well
--for girl talk across tables
--for 3 different dates in the coming week...wow...ok!
--for unexpected surprises
--for knowing you are ok, at least on that road...good to know
--for the excitement and pleasure of a lil shopping spree
--for featuring with my extended family in SA...always good
--for gut laughter until the tears come
--for being a lil help to get the writing juices flowing...you always help me too
--for my dad getting a part in a commercial...he was so excited
--for new creativity and new passions
--for forgiveness
--for introspection and growth
--for you and your new lady, hate i missed the proposal..but ecstatic for you and your happiness
--for new possibilities

Ya'll remember this one lol....happy halloween!

Get more at spaceboos.com

Dare...

Dare to make waves.
dare to ask why?
when no one else will. dare yourself to walk into that restaurant alone. dare to introduce yourself. dare to be the oldest woman in the class. dare to be the youngest. dare to be happier than you ever thought possible. dare to be different. be really different! dare to be as flamboyant, as brilliant, as sexy, as funny, as terrific as you really are. dare to push your own envelope. dare to push theirs. dare to be first. dare to suggest it's time for a change, then dare to lead the way. dare to be vulnerable, dare to be real. dare to proclaim This is who I am, and dare anyone to believe otherwise. dare to claim your own power and to stand firmly rooted in your own truth. go ahead, I dare you.
--rachel snyder's 365 words of Well-Being for Women

Cry...

cry out when what you feel is too strong to hold in. cry for help when you need it. cry with your voice, your tears, with your actions. cry because you want to, because it waters your soul and cleans out your dry and dusty places. cry for the loss of old ways. cry for every woman who was too tired to live and too scared to die. cry for the children. cry every time an old-growth forest on earth is destroyed, never to return. cry at what we've become and who we are becoming. cry because you know we can do better. cry out in frustration, in pain, in unbridled and relentless anguish. cry the tears of all women, and know that you're crying your own tears, too.
--rachel snyder

i have nothing left
to give you
but this thinning skin
somewhere
between tattoos and scars
find a place for your words
my ears and my heart are full
overloaded with vunerability
and the ghosts of childhood
ghosts of him
3 times over
sage is not enough
so i weave prayers into crosses
strewn across my doorway
yet i forgot to close the door
and i'm on the wrong side
looking in
looking out
go ahead
write anyway
tell a story
a novel
an epic
a joke
tell it
tell it well
i was never a blank canvas anyway...

Conceive...

give life to something-anything-until it's ready to be born. an idea, a dream, a baby, a book, a sculpture, a business. be pregnant with something-anything-of your own creation. hold it inside and feed it and love it and grow it until you're ready to share it with the world. nourish it with your own breath and the warmth of your own body and the beating of your own heart. conceive alone or with others or with the universe or with angels or with your computer. carry your conception in a safe place for as long as it takes. a month or nine, a year or two or seven. when it feels like you can't carry it another day, wait a day and then release it. let it come out in its own time, in its own way. be prepared to feel the pain. be prepared to feel the joy. be prepared never to feel the same again.
-Rachel Snyder

Claim...

claim your rightful place, the place that has carried your name for all time. claim your right to be honored as the earthly goddess you are. claim your right to be loved for yourself alone, without strings and with a deep richness of soul. when you are questioned, claim the truth. claim your innocence. claim that which is rightfully yours and no one else's. claim your own song. claim your true path and make it yours. claim you didn't know, if you didn't. claim you were momentarily unaware, if you were. claim your seat at the table, your place in the circle, your position at the dance. claim your freedom. claim your power, take it into your hands and up through your feet, and let it mingle with the awesome power of the Earth Herself.
--Rachel Snyder

Choose...

every moment of every day, choose. choose to do the right thing, the tough thing-not the familiar, easy thing. choose the way of the warrior or the way of the coward. make your choice out of love instead of fear. choose from the heart. choose to live fully, not to sleepwalk through your life. choose to respond wih the way you really feel, not the way you're supposed to feel. choose the mineral water over the soda; choose the walk in the park over the ride to the mall. choose simplicity over extravagance. choose conversation over the television. choose to talk things out rather than stew in your anger overnight. choose compassion and generosity. choose to smile instead of frown. make your own choices in your own time and choose to stick with them.
--Rachel Snyder

Finding Smiles Within

--for Creator & She protecting me and mine from the seen and unseen
--for court going well in my favor
--for patience with self and others
--for the experience of hosting one helluva hot night
--for how in sync we are together
--for strength even when i don't think i have an ounce left..its there
--for forgiveness and its freedom it can bring
--for wanting a better me, and doing a better me
--for cool cool nights...always brings a smile to my face
--for Kameron almost intercepting the football and his great tackles...and looking up into the stands making sure we saw...yes baby we did
--for my brotha calling me about his fishing trip..he was so excited
--for the new poems coming from within and from others
--for laughing with a beautiful diva
--for being able to hang out with my bead girl this weekend
--for letting you go...knowing i deserve better...still taking my big girl pills(lol)
--for knowing allll the trouble we would get into if you were closer...but it would be so much fun
--for the eye candy you send me often...thank you (whew)
--for knowing maybe i'm not ready...but willing
--for the new love the angel wears so well
--for new possibilites in an old flame...i am ecstatic for you...stop panicking lol
--for prayers

--image "Beyond Midnight" by selladohr

i don't always want to wear this crown
or be what it is i have deemed myself to be
reigning over self often causes mutiny
standing ground with my own back
hazy clouds deny reflection
my gaze is foggy through the pane
squeezed lids provide tunnel vision
but a better focus

pressed palms against life to leave imprints
careful not to increase cracks left by thrown stones
still i push the envelope
leaving drops of blood to seal the deal
enemies have acquired the sweet taste
they thirst often
i keep extra in the fridge for needed transfusions

i am not a martyr
nor a victim
cancelled roles bid for reruns
nostalgia tv
turn the channel

somedays i don't want to wear this crown
so i let it slip onto fingertips
diamonds cutting flesh
flesh cutting diamonds
skin has toughened

press face closer to the pane
feeling dampness of kisses needed
blow out life
secret messages revealed
left behind eternity ago
for days like these...

Change...

if there's something about your life you don't like, change it. make a big change or a small one. change into someone entirely new. change the color of your hair. strip yourself of old, tired patterns and change into a woman who's creating her own beliefs about herself and her world. change the channel (you know what i mean). change the way you've arranged those pictures on the shelf. change the route you take to work. change your morning routine and come downstairs before you get dressed. change newspapers. change radio stations. be brave enough to change your views on choice, on immigration, on capital punishment, on gun control.start making changes from the inside out, and when those around you cry "change back!"....refuse to change your tune!
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well Being

Carry....

Carry yourself with queenly grace. carry the memory of an unforgettable moment. carry a bag of food to someone who needs it. carry a child as much as you can, as close as you can. carry a sign in a picket line to show you support the women whose jobs are on that line. carry on a conversation only as long as you want; then end it. offer to carry a sack for a woman who's carrying her unborn child. carry a song in your heart. stop carrying forty-seven suitcases of emotional baggage. carry things to their natural conclusion. allow someone else-another woman perhaps-to carry you over an emotional threshold. carry a bouquet of flowers into the kitchen on tuesday. or on every tuesday. carry the light of your own soul and let it shine, shine, shine.

Care...

care for yourself as much as you care for others. if you care enough to do something about another's pain and suffering, care enough to do something about your own. care whether she's had a rotten day, and care enough to tell her so. care enough to speak up when someone fouls your planet. care about the old, the young, the sick, and insist that your elected officials care, too. care lovingly for your belongings so they will last longer. care lovingly for your friendships so they will last a lifetime. care whether there are still wild, sacred places you can visit in silence. care whether the movie includes thirty-four murders and seven rapes, and demand that hollywood care, too. care that babies are having babies and that babies are killing babies. whenever you want to say I don't care, ask yourself If not me, then who?

Blossom...

When it's time, when you can't wait another moment, unfold your petals and display your grandeur. do it when you're twenty-eight or when you're fifty-three or when you're eighty-four. open up to the world with a glow and an attitude that says Yes, now I am really here. pick up a paintbrush, a hammer, a baseball. go to law school, learn to drive, take swimming lessons, run for office. send out announcements. throw yourself a party. because now your time has come and the world had better make room for you like never before. just like a magnificent flower, you'll go from tightly closed and protected to full and fragrant and open and unforgettable. whether you're an early bloomer or a late bloomer, one thing is sure: you will feel as though you've waited forever, only to burst forth "overnight" when you least expect it.

--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

Grateful Thursdays...

--for Creator & She...i am listening
--for believing still in magic
--for coming together as souljahs(its what a souljah is, right!) and making it happen
--for the man outside the venue with his words and his tears, thank you for making it worth while...it only takes one
--for realizing you are still very young, and have a lot to learn...but that is what life is all about
--for love
--for patience with self
--for 6 months away from my 40th..already planning the 2nd part of my life...wow 40
--for a chance to host on a very hot night...i pray i do well...and leave shelle at home lol
--for one helluva poet asking me and another to go on the road with them next year...like duh!!
--for life and all its curve balls...i got my mitt on...keep 'em coming!
--for you asking to borrow my pen, i never know what to say to you 'cause i don't know how you feel about me...forgive my silence
--for my younger brother keeping me laughing...damn i love him
--for my oldest working her ass off at the new job...so proud...we are getting better...she is calming down a bit...God is good allllll the time
--for the cuddles i still get from my son, but no to the kisses in public *sigh
--for coming out of the darkness a lil bit more today...still reaching for the moon
--for you coming out when i know you don't want to lol..love you
--for loving who i was, am, and will be...and that i get to recreate myself daily
--for choices

even in silence
i am screaming
for my sanity

Never Too Late....

--for Creator & She...keeping me going and slightly sane
--for our internet back up, man don't realize how much you miss technology when w/o it
--for my kids...damn they are wonderful
--for great poetry
--for neo last thursday, crowd was incredible
--for the younging who said he wanted to make love to my words...call me in 10 yrs lol..too cute
--the power of words
--for the opportunity to host
--for the smile on my face watching you two dance ol' school thursday night...family
--for trying to calm the haters and naysayers....let them be happy dammit!
--for embarrassing moments being hilarious...slip of the tongue LOL
--for you finally being honest, now we can move on
--for hanging on to self as hard as i can
--for knowing i need to stop looking to find it
--for the coolness in the air...YES!
--for the women in my life who teach me so much, whether they know it or not
--for the calmness in me
--for the brief time you were in my life...i smile everytime i think of you
--for the beauty in simplicity

Believe...

Believe in the power of believing. say I believe and believe it. believe in fairy tales for what they can teach you about real life. believe in happy endings, and believe that they don't always happen. believe in something, anything, that gives you the courage and strength to continue on when it would be so easy to give up. believe it whan a friend says your're beautiful. believe it when you hear the words, you deserve to be happy. when someone tells you something, believe the parts that feel right, that resonate in your belly, and discard the rest. believe that you have choices and that you can choose wisely. believe your own instincts above anyone else's. believe that you can do more with your life than you're doing, and then do it. above all, believe in yourself. when something seems truly unbelievabe, it may be worth believing.
can you believe that?
--from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

Be

remember that life is in the being, not the doing. be every bit of everything that you are. be tough, be soft, be dramatic, be subdued. be a little bit of this and a little bit of that. be the one who always shows up on time or be the one who lives according to her own inner clock. be the one who never forgets a detail or be the one who never remembers. be happy when you feel like it and be sad when you're down. be who you are--not who they told you you should be. be able to cry in front of someone you hardly know, if it's time to cry, be willing to be real. be talkative if you are; be quiet if you're not. be ready to drop your masks and your protective armour and be genuine. be in the moment, be in the light. and just when they think they know exactly who you are, be prepared to be something altogether different.

--from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Syder

Always Thankful...

--for my girls...my babies...mine
--for Creator & She and the whispers of Grace
--for feeling in a rut, because it means the creativity/change is coming real soon
--for new women friends
--for fantastic eye/mind opening conversation with again, fabulous women
--for hanging out with you for a moment, eventhough no one showed up...we still had a few laughs big brotha
--for you wanting to do a road trip again...just the thought makes me giddy even if i won't be able to make it
--for you answering the phone "hey joy of my life"
--for you wanting to hear my voice, after finding out you lost a close friend...life is soooo short...we got to enjoy one another while we are present
--for my oldest's new beau...he is a cutie, and treats my baby like she deserves...he is a keeper
--for new word board games...drinking coffee and playing for hours
--for a brand new fence
--for safe trips home
--for wanting to be and do better
--for just remembering...and smiling
--for the power of words...use wisely and with love

Life in Death

do not cry for me
remember my life and be happy
smile when you think of me
laugh at the mere mention of my name
do not bring me flowers
bring mangoes and pomegranates instead
eat them until the juices run freely
let the seeds lay where they fall
then dance upon them
so to bring their freedom next spring
read poetry to my spirit
and to the spirits that have gathered
tell them my story
our story
don't stay too long
for my passing time is brief
wait until springtime to return
take refuge under the strong branches that have grown
adorn your hair with blooms of passion
taste the fruit of my life
and dance baby
dance...

(work in progress)

AWAKEN...

Wake up! refuse to sleepwalk through your life any longer. wake up! open your eyes and dare to see the world in a new and different way. wake up! awaken your passion for life and awaken it in those around you. awaken yourself spiritually. find somehting larger than yourself to believe in. find a way to lift yourself above the mundane. wake up! smell the coffee! take a long, hard look at all you've been missing, and decide not to miss any more. awaken your senses, your intuition, your desires. awaken the parts of yourself that have been sleeping: the lover, the trickster, the artist, the maiden, the crone. wake up, and don't go back to sleep. life is a dream, and to live it, you must be awake.