Eternally...

--for the Universe & the Creator, allowing me to exist within this realm
--for whispers and thumps on the head
--for great friends
--for music for the ears...real stuff
--for hearing Maya Azucena live...Goddess incarnate
--for talking briefly to Brother Ali...such a humble man
--for fun neo nights
--for phone calls from across the waters...they still are okay..and will be home soon
--for the young men of Thurman House
--for my girl, as of today, is ranked 11th @ WOWPS
--for hanging out with my male best friend...my rock
--for mischievous eyes and smiles
--for you getting in the slam away from home...no matter the outcome, proud of ya
--for freeness...thanks angie and hustle
--for the goodness of life in every breath...even through storms, breathe it in

Lion

i never thought you would show
nevermind stay
but you do
even when i don't
forgive me...please
for they know not what they do
these personalities split
the child,
needing mother
to keep the nightlight on
close creaking closet doors
check under beds for the boogie man i have become
the man,
needing a solid path
often walking all over you
showing the way to greener pastures
though i bring so much shit
the genius,
who struggles with normalcy
and can't quite figure out why 1+1 should only remain 2
the hustler,
needing his ride to die chick
to watch his back
when he doesn't even have his own
yet, you stay
being all these things and more
all awhile i walk through many doors
leaving you on the otherside standing in my rain
knocking gently
who gave you all those keys allowing these skeletons to stir?
i am not ready for reprieve
why are you so comfortable on this stage,
with no spotlight
except for the one i need beamed on me?
let me hide within the wings of you
you...
don't allow me to continue
rewrite these lines splitting my tongue,
injuring you
while the love notes i once wrote
get lodged between baby teeth
they can't stand the sweetness
decaying the truth i cannot speak
but don't stop searching for me within those reflective eyes
those eyes
its hard looking there sometimes
within the truth that freckles your irises
it must be what you hold onto
what you keep screaming at me with your precious puzzling prescence
though i only allow me to listen to your heartbroken smile
i want my kisses to prop up those sweet corners
run free through your forgiving lips to speak the truth of me
make me believe in me
i understand if can't take anymore
for i hang heavy on your wing torned shoulders
shake me off and back into your arms
i pray often in the name of ganja
you will not forsake me....

in progress

Grateful....

--for the mornings and late evening private time i have with the universe...keeps me grounded and continuously grateful
--for the woman i am becoming
--for the women in my life and their own growth, no matter how small they may think it is..it is still growth
--for knowing when to be the peacemaker, and when to stay in my damn lane
--for admiring you from afar...more than i will ever admit or flirt with you about
--for the 3rd round being all women...and bringing new life to old shiznitt
--for laughing at the game of slam poetry...it does NOT DEFINE ME, or who i am as a poet
--for loving the open mics, and all that it brings...craziness included
--for old faces returning
--for the fluidity of my pen lately...and OMG of my fellow poetic family...makes me smile
--for from across the seas phone calls to let me know you are okay still
--for phone calls to just to say hey...you know that space is always there for you..its just best now the way it is
--for the path that is leading me into unknown territory
--for the beauty of the 3 i call my babies...blessed to be their mommy...but i really need for them to stop growing up lol

Move...

...your address, your body, your bookshelf. shake out anything in your life that's rusty, stiff, or stuck and get it into motion. take a walk, take a hike, take a step away from stagnating jobs, relationships, and life patterns. change perspective. move closer to people who meet you with authenticity and who nourish your wildest dreams. move away from everybody else. you don't have to move mountains; shifting a single pebble can work wonders. make your move--any move--now. if you wait until you have more money, more security, more grace, more anything, you'll never move anywhere at all.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

i am dancing in the rain, as well as, the sunshine...i am moving!!

Mentor...

...take another woman under your wing and help her learn to fly.share what you know--and how you learned it. show her whom to watch out for--and precisely why. lead her through an initiation, and guide her through the pitfalls you've already survived. tell her what she'll never read in the manual. maybe she's younger than you, maybe she's not. maybe she reminds you of you, maybe she doesn't. maybe she's your daughter. mentor her through high school, through college, through her Ph.D. mentor her into business, into government, into the theater. stay close enough to hold her gently by the arm if she needs it--and far enough away to giver her room to fall if she must. tell her you believe in her and you want to see her soar. watch her eyes become big and wide--and wonder why they call it mentor, anyway.
--from Rachel Snyder's 365 Words of Well-Being for Women

i am aware of my role amongst the young women i surround myself with...i see so much of them in me, and i have learned so much from them. i do believe as an older woman (good lawd), it is part of the authenticity of coming into one self, to be a mentor for the ones coming up.
i wish i had someone to show me the way...i pray i do well and teach well, though many times i am in no position to do so...but i must
peace & blessings

by the way...spend more time holding one another up, instead of tearing each other down please.

Mend...

...when things are frayed and torn, mend them. mend yourself when you've come apart at the seams. put your pieces back together with a steady, patient stitch. sit down in a comfy chair with that basket of clothes and mend them. bring out your threads and needles and buttons. listen to Lena Horne while you mend. put the pieces back together. mend a relationship that stretched until it couldn't stretch anymore. mend your broken heart. piece together all the beautiful squares and circles and diamonds that you are. find how your mothering self and your child self, your business self and your artistic self can all fit together in a colorful, integrated whole. like a patchwork quilt. mend that ancient rift in your family. make amends. mend that hole where you let parts of yourself be sucked away time and time again. amend your agreements with people as you change and as they change. before you reach an end, take time to mend.
---from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Snyder


i think it is quite important, we do this with ourselves on a regular basis. we, others, and the world often tear at us for whatever reason...most days leaving us in pieces, barely breathing, barely living.
now what?
you keep breathing, eventually you will catch your breath
you keep stitching, maybe stronger threads this time
you keep loving...yourself.

what lines, from your partner's piece, spoke to you the most?
Powder's lines"...we bravely injected chaos into our normally ordered lives
and with it
the prospect of all that is random
including love..."

pieces
puzzled
trying to fit securely next to the one missing
or is it lost?
forgotten?
swept in dusty corners
collecting cobwebs
waiting to spin a new story to capture
entwined with sticky heartstring wrappings
save this juicy morsel for another empty day
when hunger pains echo in the chambers
reverberating the walls
knowing you have just eaten
yet remain unsatisfied
peirce the succulence
allow the fangs to bite down slowly
into each level of injected chaos
urgency to burn
and release itself in twisted veins of no return
to find its way back home
wipe your mud ladden boots on the course matt
lying outside this creaking door of pandora's box
wipe again
since all that gritty dirt likes to cling to the undertones
feel it though
misshape the order
make it unrecognizable
so not to see it creeping up on you
like the paper lions roaring from these pens.....

piece took a turn, not quite sure if fits properly..pieces, puzzled lol

Satisfaction

grab a scrabble letter out of a bag. think of word that starts with that letter, and commit to it. write 25 lines with that word starting the sentence, you have 10 minutes. don't use the obvious use of the word. then pick 4 that speak to you the most, and use those 4 sentences in a piece. (20 minutes)

my letter: s
first word thought of: satisfaction

satisfaction moans lies across her lips as gentle as a midnight breeze
promising this time--difference--
newly repaired wings offer newly constructed paths
both still wet and fresh with anticipation
satisfaction tastes each morsel of thee
slowly
running its tongue
cautiously
along the jagged edges of contentment
daring nervous giggles to laugh authentically
with head thrown back into past
arms stretched wide around now
for if one satisfies the child inside the woman
she will always remain faithful to the lion
which dwells in the cavernous jungle
needing freedom from caged birds with no 1/2 beat tunes
sing girl
sing
yeah
satisfaction drips from atomic pens piercing holes through concrete writer's block
as night falls
and pillows call
ignoring the obvious
as amber-colored satisfaction crept over God's eyelids
no blinking this time

loaded roulette

he remains a loaded roulette
dancing with suicidal play
knows his role well with others
yet searches for forgotten lines
with her
her
zion woman in waiting
praying she does not lose her own salvation
trying to save apathy
welcomes the holywar
allowing his scriptures thrusted upon her
beckoning lips cry to be fed
while hands loop around full back arched
cavernous navels seeking echoes to capture
he keeps his secrets there
wrapped around cords rhythmically pulsating satisfaction
finds the point of entry with rim licking tongue
greedily drinking fertile nectar
life is here in this womb
not the kind one may think
but his seeds mingle with the God within
his place of rest since she first begat him in thought
he needs this heaven
yet gambles lustfully with familiar strangers
who desire not to hold his heart kindly
its better that way....
praying he will never throw snake eyes
or worse remain alone
at least in those few lingering chaotic moments
defending his honor
between sheets of divinity
he can burst through self-inflicted walls
slide his fingers in between cracking foundations
to bury the bloated feeling of death
his brittle wounds are invisible to the naked eye
but she sees him well
stuttering his eyelids like drifting butterflies
with no petals to rest upon
so she offers hers
jasmine infused vines
to wrap their healing sweetness around his cracking frame
binding his splitting atoms.....

working on this too...please feedback...does it flow well? make sense? blah blah blah

after the previous exercise was completed and read out loud, folks were paired up then had to read their piece again to one another...whatever line or word spoke to you, write it down...had 20ish minutes to write on those lines...and use in any way, shape, form, or emotion.
the words "bruised but strong. tattered but stronger. alive and healing," spoke to me from bfran's piece.

i carry the weight of me unevenly
heart shifting from degrees of seperation
from choice one day
legacy others
but most days i struggle with the duplicity of both
pulled in two different directions
minduful logic stares down at instinct
they too want to pull their share
insides twisted
memories pluck out my eyeballs
so not to be seen in dreamscapes
even in lullabies you can catch glimpses of me
playing hide-n-seek with open wrists
trying to release the poison of mother may i's
and dodgeball whoopings
grandmother's ealy morning redemption humming
often stitch these fautlines close
thick sav kisses greased and soften the pain
i often pierce the keloid risings
to hear the vibration of her voice trapped inside
the last time i heard her whisper
"i have no more blood to give, these walls are getting thin
and your depression is not foundation
rebuild
since you cannot put in a change of address card
criss-cross the sinuous you
to build stronger branches to hold yourself up
stand on your own shoulders
to see out of the peep hole of self discovery
nurture the seedlings which you thought forsaken
allow the offshoots to grow wildly without and within you
wrapping themselves around the weak spots
and filling in the gaps
its not about falling apart,
but what you do with the pieces you still have left.

Contemplative

one word written in the middle of a poster board, 4 words extend from main word, then more words built off each word added...there are infinite possibilities....then write a poem just looking at the words on the board...again the possibilities are infinite.
word in the middle was 'contemplative'

contemplative journey
carries great distance across broken bridges burning
but through fire
comes renewal and a rebirth
bruised ashes become the words pouring from the ends of fractured quills
revealing chalk outlines of a poet
hidden
built within patchworked scars of the hand that rocks the pen
seeing multiplicities of personalities
within turmoil of relfections from vivid white sheets of chaotic whispering paper
God stares back from reference points of truth
screaming from the margins
where the heart bleeds from lead poison
etching lines to feel the burn
to bare witness to silence
finally
being
heard

Happy Love Day...Hope You Feel It Every Day

For The Love of Just Simply Being Grateful....

--for my son, for my son, for my son
--for all the prayers and well wishes from family and friends..i am humbled
--for the Creator & She watching over us all
--for God being kind
--for speaking my mind to him, but out of love...its all about choices
--for wanting him to look forward, not backward...i know its scary, but it will be worth it in the long run
--for an amazing neo soul night...its been incredible lately...though i don't need a crowd to love my neo
--for truth on the mic
--for you just showing up out the blue, the kiss on the neck...tink missed you
--for loving this skin i am in
--for the lightness in my feet, but still grounded
--for not sweating the small stuff...such a waste of energy
--for my best friend who gets me like no other...i know others don't get us...but who cares...we do
--for him stepping out on faith, may have not gone like you wanted it to...but you DID IT!!
--for knowing sometimes life doesn't pan out the way we would like...these are the times we hold on tight to one another...sisterhood...and family
--for the incredible women i know, have known, and have yet to meet
--for this heart of mine...it is vast and deep, and so forgiving..it is me
--for new words flowing from many pens
--for family...all sorts and flavors...blood and non...prick me and i will bleed for you

Skeletons

see me
through thin skin of translucent truths
i am not perfect
so i stitch the corners of my mouth just a lil' tighter
to keep the skeletons at bay
for they
they want to dance
want to dance on my tongue
scrap their skin along the backs of my chipped teeth
on the way out of my lips
dribble down my chin
then across my neck
to remind me
at any moment
they can kill me
sit upon drooping shoulders momentarily
chipping away at the heaviness
pierce deep into forgiving bleeding heart
where tattered ribbons dangle
with names written backwards
so you will always see you where you belong
whether coming or going
nestle themselves within an empty womb
for even skeletons need dance partners
and bigger floors to dance upon
come screaming through my lips
oozing across inner thighs of just needing to be loved
pooling at my feet....

working on it

i will scream my prayers into the sky
until it pounds on heaven's door
until the devil himself weeps
for he too, cannot stand the pain

i will scream my prayers into the heavens
until they make Jesus' ears bleed
let His blood rain down
and cover my son

amen


...and they did, and they do
thank you family

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff....

I am not quite sure how to deal with all of these emotions i am still having.

i could of lost my baby
i could of lost my baby
i could of lost my child
i could of lost my son
i could of lost my baby

the power of prayer is a mighty thing
the power of prayer is awesome

Kami you are so loved by so many ( i don't think he will ever know just how many folks all over were praying for him)...my deepest thank you's...He heard all of you it seems

I am so blessed to have you still

this has nothing to do with luck

he had to have a frontal cranialotimy for elevation and repair of a compound commuted, depressed frontal skull fracture...whew

i have forgiven the other teenager who did this...i still have my baby

his brain membrane was torn too, and also has some frontal lobe bruising, but he is all Kameron still...i know it could of been alot worse...God has been kind (smile)

i kept a brave face as long as i could when this first happened, but when the doctor came in and said we need to transport him via ambulance to Dell Children's Hospital to see the neurosurgeon, and if the two boys had been any closer..it would of been fatal....momma lost it

then i had to get it together again...for him...he was so scared...we all were

i know it all could of been so much worse...i know...i know...i know it could of been...but i will say it again...God has and continues to be kind.

i can't even fathom the possibility i almost lost my baby...my only son.

he is tired of me hovering over him, but i just can't help it.
i know he must go to school next week... i am scared though of letting him out of my sight.

i think he likes all the attention and loving...but you know, he is a teenage boy...tries to hide the fact he secretly loves it...i see it in his beautiful smile

oh his beautiful smile...none like it...thank you for allowing me to see it again.

Yep....

--for the Creator & She, and of course Grace
--for my family...in whatever form that comes, by blood or by words
--for my beautiful supercalifragilisticexpialidocious children...amazing, and MINE!!
--for protecting hands in my hair
--for late night chats of understanding
--for this grand lovely skin i am in...sho fit nice
--for those who stop by this blog...known and unknown, and those who peek
--for new paths, new journeys, new eyes
--for stepping away from the competition of it all...and being fine with that
--for business plans coming into view
--for earl grey tea on cold nights
--for loving you...despite you...i pray for your healing
--for the lion that roars, but i know better
--for dancing to the good ol' oldies
--for the shoutout in myspace world...brothers are doing some things
--for just being still...shhhh listen to what the wind whispers...you are never alone
--for a really nice afternoon @ starbucks with him...he is so excited...i am too about making a difference
--for another nice moment with my mom @ starbucks (lol) hanging with her on her birthday...much needed, and another layer peeled away...getting there
--for overseas called received, glad he is safe another day
--for all the wonderful women in my life..aren't we incredible!!!

Let It Be

i know i may be too open or too revealing on these public electronic forums, at times; but i believe sometimes it can help others...my story, though out there, is not just mine...and anybody going through anything remotely similar will understand, even benefit somehow.
yes there are those who will nod or shake their heads in agreement or disagreement, and even those who will be empathetic, but there will also be those who will sit in judgement (even those who truly love me).
it truly is okay, lol but i will say this.....

this is my journey, my path, my steps, my life
it takes great courage to walk in my shoes, what i write here and in my poetry is but a glimpse of me...
glimpse meaning, you are on the outside.
outside looking in...never able to see the totality of the situation
you see what your eyes see, and we all know it is a perception...your reality of my situation.
you may think you have the "right" answers...but again, those are your answers for a perception of a reality you have never lived.
i do take all ideas, concerns, and even the haters (got to love the haters), wrap it up in a nice lil jagged pill and swallow...but at the end of the day, it is i who has to deal with me.
lately (past year or so), i have been doing pretty good with me
being comfortable in my own skin and finding out who this beautiful lady is...i like me a whole lot.
i am one of the oddest people i know, and guess what...i am fine with that. i date men in their 20's, love women with a passion, drink good vodka and smoke lots of good weed. my spirit is restless, and sometimes i listen and throw caution to the wind...and ride that bitch until i grow tired of that too.
i do crazy things...but perhaps that is a huge difference between me and them...I DO!...i refuse to be boxed into any situation, even if others think it is the "right" thing to do or think i am being selfish in my actions. i have lived life in that manner, after awhile it will slowly kill your spirit.
i can show you the scars to prove it, if you don't believe me.

i am trying one more time on this relationship with him, key word i am trying....so far to go, but it starts with one step..and i have taken that step, looking forward to the next one, though not quite sure where that particular step will land...but ready for it.
we are not married...not sure why i said that, but needed to be said.
like mentioned in a previous blog, just want to make sure everything was tried...but it is hard to try everything, when possibly it may be one sided or not enough. we will see right?
i will not settle for mediocrity or "just for the kids"...what does that teach them, really?
ready for this journey though...my journey, my path, my steps, my life

that kind of love we seek is possible though...i have tasted it before...and oh how sweet it was, and can still be...let it be


let it be
like a spring day on a winter's morning
new life through stagnancy and hibernation
warm suns awakening and laughing in the face of last sunsets
let it be
like roses beyond the normal color of red
simplicity and purity of Calla lilies
the wildness and originality of nature's fields
run with me through it
barefoot and free
let it be
better love
expected rain to water the seeds of faith
coaxed germination with soft kisses and talk beyond pillows
intertwined roots for foundational strength
heaven bound branches to hold rope swings and playful houses
play make-believe until fantasy becomes reality
be my king, my prince, my jester, my lifetime
i be your queen, your princess, your lady in waiting, your eternal
let it be
secrets written in the book of life
incantations fingered into magic
creating new "once upon a time's" on our time
and "lived happily ever after" even after
let it be
not forgotten
not safe
not for any other reason but ours
let it be
a better love

it is crazy feeling the way that i do about life right now, specifically my relationship with this jazz man.
i will not lie about it, i am scared to death...trying to work things out, and wondering if it is the right thing to do...will it work...will things that need to be changed actually change, or remain the same...am i settling...will i or he screw it up???
questions, questions, questions, run rampant through my mind, and i am desperately trying to silence the voices of self doubt.
like i said...i am scared to death
i still consider my self single, and he does too...because neither one of us wants to jump right in...though i may have jumped the gun just a bit.
i love the man, never has been a doubt; and i know he loves me...i have never doubted that fact either.
the serious conversations have started, and i hope they continue...we are worth it...my family is worth it.
so again, please keep us in your prayers
if we realize this is not working, well, we want to walk away knowing we did all we could of done to try to make it work...and that is all i want...to make sure i tried everything.
love can carry one a great distance

What a Great day for more than one reason

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!

KEEPING IT ON THE DL (LOL)