Beautiful Wednesdays...

--for Creator & She and all that their grace and love sustain
--for new eyes
--for all those beautiful faces above
--for being able to handle it all...always wanted a big family...lol
--for being able to calm his fighting spirit...he is realizing there is nothing to prove here, no reason to fight...i pray some of it goes deeper into his spirit, and takes it home with him
--for always feeling closer to the ones others ignore or no longer believe in
--for his and his eyes when i talk to them and really listen...if we all could just take the time
--for prayer
--for a house full of laughter
--for my babygirl's eyes
--for one helluva slam team once again! Ya'll AIN'T ready!!
--for getting over hurdles and being from the finish line (inside team joke)
--for being still
--for the quietness of 4am, soft drizzles, and inspiration

today i dared myself to sit on my patio as the storm brewed, and the rain fell. i am usually a chicken when it comes to lightening and thunder, but as i let myself relax and simply enjoy the art around me...it was quite electric and meditative.
something spiritual about reading Writing Down The Bones in a thunderstorm.

There Is Always A Reason...

--for the Creator & Gaia..always sustaining, always blessing
--for these beautiful 9 reasons above
--for my laid back personality, must have with these days lol
--for seeing things new through their eyes
--for joy
--for missing you terribly, but everything for a reason
--for not understanding why, but understanding it was a passionate season for us all
--for new possibilities
--for great photo shoots
--for her saying i have a peaceful spirit, often we do not see/feel what others see
--for love
--for family
--for seeing you...you are an amazing strong woman babygirl, and i will keep saying it until you get it...

I Will Miss You...

Thank God...Always

--for God & She
--for family
--for the way his arms hold me when i come home...the safest place to be
--for love
--for doing the right thing
--for believing
--for time away
--for friendly faces
--for meeting new sistahs and hanging out having a good time
--for the laughter of women
--for hanging on when i want to let go
--for inner strength
--for jono...and his mom
--for music that fits the mood

PaaaaLease!!!

couldn't help laughing when i saw this adorable pix...if feel ya girl lol!

Wednesday Again, But I Feel It Everyday...

--for Grace, and the power He & She bring to my life
--for seeing my continued growth, despite setbacks
--for the beauty of women, despite the pain
--for the team's first road trip...we are bonding...we are stronger
--for poppa B being proud of his babies lol
--for Fey taking first place and Liz taking 3rd
--for seeing and hugging old familiar faces
--for beefy T
--for his love
--for praying for peace in my house...and receiving the blessings
--for being the calm one
--for her hopfully listening, being a teenager is so hard i know baby.
--for poetry...and the lifelines it wraps around me tight
--for being more free w/ who it is am...and i'm loving it
--for late evening moon watching
--for life...is good...is good
--for silly moments we can all laugh at
--for her seeing that this is her family, loving her despite herself, and the daggers she throws our way.
--for knowing its misdirected anger...but i'm mom, i can handle it

the common thread of women

i originally wrote this a year ago...again reposting...felt it was needed...

the storm is coming
but its okay
i will be your shelter
don't hide behind the clouds
instead break thru
claim back your sky
let the rain fall
i will hold the umbrella
and even if u get wet
let the layers melt away
let the pieces fall
upon fertile ground
pain being the seeds
from which u will grow
so strong
stretch your SELF high
within the winds of change
breezes of possibilities
keep stretching
until u think u can't anymore
then stretch again
past imaginary boundaries
a lil more
and claim back your sky

Mountain! Get Out Of My Way!

Its been awhile, but...i am in a really good place right now. yes there are still issues, but no crazy drama...and i think a lot of that has to do with putting certain people out of my life or at least at bay. my view was blurred by false promises, but hey its life and it happens...no regrets...just teaching moments, right.?!
let folks think what they will about me. i know the truth.
i am very comfortable in my skin, despite the extra fluffiness put on in the past year and a half. i am still beautiful. still crazy. still me. the # on the scale does not dictate how i live my life anymore. if i choose to lose anything, it will be my choice, not 'cause OMG i gotta fit in a size ___! OMG i've got to purge this out of me (hey been there done that...got the tshirt)OMG i can't eat that! OMG i hate myself...nah none of that anymore or any other negative self talk. yeah it still comes up, but best believe when the voices start...i punch them in the mouth and shut their asses up!!
my family is well, my kids are great, well 2 of them moreso than the 3rd. i pray for my Jessica often, and as much as i wish things were different...i can't live her life for her, just be there for her when it gets too tough.
my man is great, yes we still have issues...who doesn't, but i know at the end of the day no matter what, he's got my back, and i am his soft place to fall...though most days he is the one who has softened my stumbles.
no, i don't know what tomorrow holds...nor the next moment, yet the stronghold i have on me...well hey, this girl going to be just fine.
All things through the Creator and She

Uh Huh!! Soooo Grateful....

--for seeing the bigger picture...and liking what i see
--for all of that behind me which makes me stronger, and able to see the beauty inside
--for the Great One and She...all day and everyday
--for being on another hellified slam team, its coming together nicely
--for words, words, words
--for you letting me see more of you
--for 2 great coaches and their vision
--for women...nuff said
--for the laughs
--for thursdays with you and all the trouble we get into just being girls
--for inspiration
--for meeting him and his poetic words...a king indeed
--for playing it cool even when your HUGE ego kicks in
--for me saying no, and walking away smiling with no problem (i know the gem i have at home)...sorry desi
--for damn good bbq, with most of my family here
--for a child's laughter, especially when the laughter comes from my own
--for taylor officially becoming a half inch taller than me...dammit!
--for acknowledging the spirits surrounding me, both good and not so good...but respect them both nontheless...shoot i better!
--for life being so good with the weight lifted...i wish you the same love
--for memories...and smiling
--for teaching moments and no regrets
--for the ties that bind, and the ones we knot tighter to us
--for poetry and the lifeline it is for me
--for new eyes w/o the rose colored glasses
--for your words coming together and asking me for a lil bit of help
--for seeing the U21 do the damn thang....this auntie is proud
--for the way his arms wrap perfectly around me

she told me in pauses between the laughter, just loud enough not to be heard..."my scars carry the sweetest nectar..."
and i wept,
for her
for me

Wednesdays I'm Grateful For...

--for Grace and understanding
--for life
--for coming to grips with hard decisions
--for knowing it will all work itself out
--for believing
--for late night chats with sidewinder that keep me laughing
--for eventhough we don't talk everyday, i know you are there...and i for you
--for txt msgs asking "you up?"...and being up and being there
--for new coffee pots, though i should be drinking tea
--for representing again along w/my old teammie...and knowing 2 others are still close by as well
--for respecting your decision
--for seeing a lil bit of light in my perceived dark tunnel
--for big shoes to fill
--for how excited my big brotha b gets over words, and seeing it come together
--for seeing a lil bit of me in you
--for last dances and last days of school
--for you coming home just a lil while
--for poets
--for saving grace
--for memories...good ones, bad ones, teaching ones
--for love
--for family
--for my father's smile

the space between

don't let go...
hold me
even long after you have gone
leave residue stains in memories
scratched across the backside of my heart
empty corridors still echo of heavy footsteps
closets full of bones
too much to close
for you will not claim your share
i carry the burden of two

the space between forever and never
will consistently bare witness
the space between now and then
will consistently bare witness
the space between you and i
will consistently bare witness

no freedom in reflections
that hold me through glances
sticky sweet clinging to tips of lashes
freefalling in pupils
causing blurry vision

we carry memories
the way we carry burdens
heavy and choking

let go
don't hold me
even long after you are here...
leave the memories stained in residue
and....(blow)

let fingers dig deep within
under soft flesh
and sinuous veins
bend my spine to fit neatly in your existance
breathe life into my womb
so i can bring you forth
again
recreate us in a new light of understanding
of love
of honor
of truth
speak secrets into my hair carefully
wind each one inside curls
wrapped around fingertips
massage almond oil into the creases of my eyes
with your eager lips
so tears slide away quickly
and pool less often

they have no place here....

maybe its the rain.....

but this is how i'm feeling today:
-apprehensive
-scared
-worried
-intrigued
-hopeful
-lonely
-confused
-just weirded the f*** out!

these emotions are not the result of one particular event, but a series of events of late.
nothing to send me in a downward spiral, just got me in a weird place right now.
i think the biggest one is making the slam team again.
yes good...i think.
i'm questioning if its what i want, and i wonder if the reason i sorta breezed thru the slam, not really giving it my all, not memorizing the new pieces...lord knows i had plenty of time, just not feeling it...perhaps secretly hoping i wasn't in the top 5.
i miss my other team members, though most will be close at hand...just not the same.
i am excited about the female dominance of the group, and what we can bring to the table, though.
not looking forward to the time away from my family again...
so right now, i'm questioning all of it...maybe tomorrow, maybe today, maybe in the next hour...my perspective will change...
i could walk away...but so many are saying baby, shelle, mommy...you can do this...
i will try
maybe its the rain...

It is...

--for Creator and She who watches over me and mine constantly, and keeps me from things seen and unseen (there is a whole lot unseen)
--for allowing me to share in the moment of your commitment to one another.
--for surprise parties
--for her smile and laugh...yep you are right
--for one tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila...dang how many? and the comedy you brought to the table
--for extra income...always good, especially loving what i do
--for your beauty, and knowing you just want to be appreciated and desired babygirl
--for the new feature i found on my camera accidently...see pic above
--for crunch time to get me moving
--for early early mornings. i love 'em, just don't like waking up early...so i don't go to sleep til morning just to enjoy them lol
--for mom's
--for still having mine...for still having him too
--for you reaching out, needing to hear my voice...and glad i could help just a lil
--for tonight and finally picking the team...wow it will be interesting
--for knowing it will be a hot show
--for being okay with whatever the results
--for extra extra soft fluffy socks that kami gave me
--for my kids PASSING the TAAKS! Yessssssss
--for the possibility the TAAKS will be eleminated soon...shit let the teachers TEACH again PLEASE!!
--for love
--for being able to watch my kids grow up--so beautiful, so smart, so creative, so damn! these 3 are mine?

It was a fantastic day...

i hope everyone had a blessed and wonderful day.
i just wanted to share this unique gift i received today from Tarik..and how neat it is...had me tear up and cheezin' lol.
He actually went to a place that let's you crush your own grapes (not feet style), make your own blend of wine, and make the label.
the wine i heard is really good, but i don't think i will open this one.
Happy Mother's Day everyone and even to the dad's holding it down like they should.

Yes Yes Yes....

--for LIFE and all it's blessings and graces granted
--for sitting back and smiling and saying "is good, is good"
--for just being in the moment
--for creating with these hands...i think i like this new stuff ALOT
--for extra cash
--for my daddy's smile...he is so dang cute
--for my son cutting the grass the very first time...he's the man he says...uh and your point is...
--for fantastic NEO nights, maaaan yep this was one for the books
--for poetic tag like we use to...yeah that was a good one
--for finding out 4 gummy bears extra strong is waaaaay too much for me...damn sweet drinks...no more no ma'am
--for he and i just dancing up a storm, and loving each other the way we do
--for cold water quenching the thirst, 'cause most of the night you were losing fluids from all those damn SWEET AZZ DRINKS...yeah i praised the Porcelain Goddess
--for unexpected moments
--for it always being "it is what it is"
--for being laid back...makes life a lil easier...but i do have my moments
--for the sun in lil' bursts...i don't do TEXAS heat well
--for rain and its cleansing properties
--for our weekly bead shopping and yummy lunches
--for my babygirl's 8th grade dance...sigh...sigh
--for having continued long lists
--for you finding the courage in your pen...beautiful sis

He Loves Me

my jazz man,
loved me enough when i didn't love me
when i didn't love him
saved memories and morsels
w/in the grooves of melodies
to be played repeatedly
until i heard for the first time
again
let his butterfly float on the winds of change
until home's colors were painted just right
for the world's hues were becoming too heavy for wings to carry
hung blossoms around the door to beckon me home
encircled in love's cocoon
there he brought out his collection for me to hear
saved memories and morsels escaped from the grooves
floated up to my ears
and danced back into my heart
my jazz man
loved me enough
to hold on....

Wow time is flying....

So grateful...
--for He and She and all that they contain within me
--for life being just a lil sweeter these days
--for enjoying his love
--for enjoying us again
--for the skills to feed my family w/ great meals
--for eased tensions slightly
--for being okay with just the way it is, 'cause i don't really want more
--for new venues
--for an amazing hot night, hot crowd, hot poets, hot roof!
--for it not being worse than what it could of been
--for thunder storms and making love within it
--for having a camera at the right moment
--for Carol's Daughter and hair milk...makes my hair feel and smell so good
--for bead shopping and being girls w/ a great friend
--for being there at the conception of your hot new piece
--for REAL talk
--for road trips...near and far...and much needed
--for Taylor's fantastic turnaround in her grades...so proud of her
--for Kameron's stage debut...he was simply amazing and rocked the stage
--for phone calls to say you are okay when you know i worry about you baby.
--for long lists lol
--for being tired but not complaining
--for the way he loves me