If...

see you should be mine
because i hold the predescribed plans to your many fantasies
your appetite is not yet satisfied
since
well ...

you haven't tasted me

yet...
and i don't just mean sexually
no

that would be too easy
so ease me
slowly
decisively
and gently into your mind
with purpose
with satisfaction
with engaging conversations.
we can write love letters on restaurant napkins
then wipe our mouths to taste the sweetness of our words.
if you were mine...
there would be a need

for nothing
because by the time you know what you want
i would already have laid it at your feet
the place where i will be
...is there anything else my majesty?
it would be like that, you know...
drawn bath water to ease your hard day into

hands massaging struggles away
writing lyrics across your shoulders in deep stanzas
tracing cleft notes across ear lobes
to beckon deep moans

yeah like that....
come lay your burdens down

right here
between these palms
and i will base stitch them into seams of yesterdays.
if you were mine...
i would remind you everyday of what it is to be

a man...

my man.

dance me gently across your thoughts
to caress every word
every picture

allow me to sit within your mind

and ponder just to hear you think
just to see your dreamscape
then pirouette down and whisper lullabies into your heart

yeah...

if you were mine...
would you paint me into rainbows and shooting stars
as i paint you into warrior and king?
encircle my life with your love
and hold me like God holds a newborn's breath?
give life to my day

and dreams to my night?

would you?

i promise to be your soft place to fall
come be at peace within the folds of my wings
as i kiss the tip of your chakra
which one?
pick one
i will kiss them all
see, there is an empty space in my heart
not for what i lack
but where God carved out space for you to occupy
and when he sent you to earth
your heart was bigger than most
because

he had already given you the piece to mine

so yeah...

i've been holding your heart and soul in my life lines
for awhile now

can we hold hands and have destiny meet?

hi, my name is michelle desiree

what's yours?

Always...

--for God and She who protects and blesses me infinite....much more than i deserve

--for love in his eyes

--for both of my daughter's beautiful smiles...and their hugs

--for my son's insane sense of humor...and his hugs

--for his peach cobbler

--for finding an old friend, we didn't get to see one another while in town...but glad i found you.

--for music that gets ya grooving

--for seeing PE with my hip hop head

--for just being girls

--for gentle rain showers and swings in the midnight

--for new pieces that heal the scars just a lil more

--for the strength and freedom of riding a horse

--for quality family time...and their smiles

--for sharing laughs with my father...he is so cute in his old age

--for my brother taking me to dinner...my partner in crime

--for nice $$ surprises in the mail...another blessing

--for field greens and tomatoes

--for spring coming fast....the colors lately are brilliant

--for the grass reawakening after a long winter's nap

--for soft pillows on his chest

--for the way he gets me

--for the way she gets me

--for inspiration

--for renewed strength

--for letting go of you...long time coming...long time needed...breathe

--for praying for your healing

--for being acknowledged and validated thru honest words

--for long text messages...girl just call me lol

Ahhh The Weekend Was Fantastic!

Mr. Charles of Mojoe holding it down...despite the damn sound system!

Hanging Strong @ Auditorium Shores SXSW

Horseback riding with the family

FLAVA FLAAAV!!

XClan where is the Revolution?

Freaks Come Out @ Night...No comments on that please...LOL

Charles and I...eyes tight!

Momma's Baby

she is momma's baby
desperately needing to be daddy's lil girl
came into this world 18yrs ago kicking, screaming, and defiant
and she's been living life like this ever since
stands 5'5 like me
with deep chesnut colored native skin
kissed by the sun
with full cheeks
killer smile
and a silver slicing tongue to match
so beautiful she had to tattoo the word into her skin
as if she had to remind herself
she loves the freedom of the streets
and the streets love her
for she hustles them well
fights a fight she does not have to
but never been one to follow rules.
when she's near me
i can still catch glimpses of her sweetness
of momma's baby
the ones not yet swallowed
not yet stolen by paternal manipulation
or life's hard knocks
i hear it in her laugh
when she calls me "mommy"
and when she hugs the man she has called "daddy"
for the past 15yrs...
but i'm guilty of wondering if i did enough
for its obvious its not enough
she searches for her validity in his absent eyes
casted out of his family by her delicate stem
for she never had a chance to stretch her roots there
left her cold and bitter under his decaying branches
carving a broken heart and the words daddy's lil girl into his tree
i want steal her innocence back!
and for her to see how beautiful she really is
i'd snap my fingers if i could
cast spells into the heavens if i could
instead
when she is sleeping next to me
i whisper into her dreams and tell her
i want to take your pain baby
reach deep inside the heart of your hell
plunge maternal hands in its sponge
soaking you in daily
rip it from its existance and squeeze the the dead out of it
so worth can come back into your dark eyes
where beauty's reflection has lost its way
let it seep into the ground where fathers lay
and where i should bury yours
for you hold much too tightly to a legacy not belonging to you
there is comfort in the pain though
i know
cradling you into nightmares
playing games in blood left on floors
too many pieces to play with
and not enough players
therefore demons play you often
and the company is appreciated
i know
babygirl
let me have your pain
come enter inside these walls
crawl back into your conception
let's rearrange DNA
until my womb absorbs this madness
fertilized with guilt and sadness
together
let it grow
let it grow
let it grow
until soft insides split
and manifestations explode
and this heart releases
reaping what needs to be sown
ripping existance apart
so i may rain down on you
covering your lovely face
with transferred grace
freeing you from an internal prison
with bars engraved with his name
forged by his own hand
this is my wish
this is my prayer
for she will always be momma's baby
desperately just needing to be daddy's lil girl.

Wednesday Thankfulness...

--for God and She who handles it all with perfection

--for my lil corner coming together

--for babygirl and her "touchy subject" lol

--for being vunerable

--for being okay with it all

--for young minds

--for seeing you shine just a lil' more than the day before's conversation...your love for it will come back

--for good vegan food...need to return to that lifestyle

--for trusting you, so important with women...so important for me

--for the pictures we took and the way you looked at me...sigh

--for fitting so perfectly against your chest

--for your eyes and what you speak to me, even if you can't verbally say it...its ok

--for some time with my oldest...and sharing some laughs...i pray daily for you baby

--for throwing down in the kitchen...lol and my dad taking all the credit for my skills

--for Pandora....music music music...so good i had to say it 3x's (thanks sunshine)

--for late night steroid wings and bottlecaps...and ooowee lol

--for discovering a new bead shop

--for meeting ms. Ruby, got her first tat at 75 of a closed wing butterfly...'cause she said SHE WASN'T DONE YET! so f***ing awesome!!

--for the souljahs past, present, and future throwing down @ Mitchie's...honored still to be a part of this group!

--for knowing a different path cometh soon...am i ready?

--for rain

--for the huge magnificent butterfly(moth) that payed me a visit last night

--for spiritual challenges

This Is Why Life Makes Sense...This Is Why I Continue..

How could such 3 ohhhh soooooo different beautiful children come from one woman. Exactly what they are doing here...that is there personality lol...

lawd! look at my son...he keeps me laughing!

Always....

--for grace and blessings from the Most High
--for being asked to share my words with the wonderful women of Metropolitan A.M.E. Church. i was such a blessing to be there, and the Spirit was definitly in that sanctuary. (thank you Lisa)
--for reconnecting and strengthening bonds of friendship
--for Gene's wings
--for serious words thru txts...its all we can do right now...but thank you for letting me be that soft place to fall for you still.
--for giving into the pressure of myspace lol, so check it out www.myspace.com/poetic9butterfly
--for memories-both good and teaching lessons
--for creating a lil sanctuary in my closet, just a place to write, to meditate, to contemplate
--for the smell of sage and all its cleansing power
--for sharing laughs with my younger brother....i love his smile
--for field greens
--for another poetic house party coming...for the continued healing...for a brother's love
--for new words causing just a lil' bit more madness in my life lol
--for slams and double winnings...yes!
--for high speed internet lol
--for the sweetness you whisper in my ear
--for my beautiful babies...they are absolutely amazing to me
--for the flowers peeking through

It's 10am, been up since 6am....people who know me KNOW I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON!! believe me nothing would be better right now than to get back to bed and curl up w/ my man.....so why am i up?
Cause i am a DAMN POET...and this new piece is refusing to let me sleep peacefully or sleep at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn you
but i love you poetry
.....will post soon
i need some coffee

Okay I'm A Lil Late, But Always Grateful Just The Same

--for my new computer with high speed internet YEAS MA'AM (i still love you dinosaur, just want be using you very much)
--for new pieces off book
--for coming in second in wednesday's slam....felt good...and is sure don't mind losing to that BAD AZZ POET
--for new poets
--for new pillowtop queen beds...ahh can u say no more back or neck ache...and being a lil closer to him
--for big pillows to rest my head
--for loving my thickness
--for my hair being process free for 2 years now....and i love what was under there
--for getting 3 pairs of pants and 2 sexy shirts from lane bryant, after all the discounts and coupons......$11.86...WHAT!!
--for you needing me, and me being able to comply
--for pluckers, brownies, dip sticks, late night calls and laughing 'til it hurts
--for getting through some more baggage...always through writing
--for Angel's beautiful smile....infectious...glad u r feeling better...we need to go back to vegas!
--for all the beautiful women of neosoul...all so different, but very much the same
--for strength
--for prayer...nuff said

Second Piece From Writing Lab...still rough/still fresh

We had to clear our minds for a moment, then think of someone...what they were wearing, smells, thoughts, what were they doing, saying etc. (sidenote: i didn't make it to the last lab due to the flu, but Ms beautiful Jo had written about me as her first thought, and blessed me with reading it again. I had no idea. All I could do was cry. her words were as if she was...me. thank you thank you. Its just nice to know when people "get" you.)
okay so i thought of someone:

He

patchouli scented bedsheets lay beneath our bodies
wrinkled and passion torn from its corners
and that was the first 5 minutes
he wore nothing but the skin he came into this world with
a distinct contrast against mine
he shivered
at the thought of what was to come-literally
so i whispered secrets of Griffin & Sabine across his chest to keep him warm
he reached up to grasp his rainbow
and i kissed shooting stars into his eyelids
as i rode his comet's tail
wishes granted a lifetime
i could taste forever in his lips
could feel the darkness as well
for he is so misunderstood among the masses
but found an understanding within the safety of my arms
his confusion and uncertainty i swallow gently
hoping my sweetness will dilute his weakness
for he is a warrior
a king
with no crown
no land to speak of
therefore i let him conquer my kingdom
and just for a moment
here
in the sanctity of this heaven
he is free to be himself
without judgement
without fear
to feel love
to matter
to just...
be.

B's Writing Lab...Fresh and Rough

Subject: It's Been A Long Time Since...
words given(can be used in any form):
evolution/effort
overwhelmed/open
bruised/bind
natural/necessity
lavish/living

its been a long time since i felt this way
able to smile again naturally
instead of out of necessity
...for my children not to question
...for my partner not to wonder
...for my friends not to doubt
...for my enemies not to elate
overwhelmed by knives left in my back
i cannot reach
before i would just take it out...lick it clean....hand it back
some ties that bind literally choked the words from my mouth
caused this open soul to close up shop
placed toothpaste mortar into the seams of an already crumbling foundation
brick by brick
i built my wall
pulled up my gate around this lavish castle
its safer here living with rose colored glasses on
playing in rose gardens with thorns
pricking skin sweetly
drawing blood slowly
bruise deeply
but he refused to let it continue
poked holed in my cocoon with my own pen
"you are bigger than this which hold you!
have you forgotten the feeling of words which once freed you?
have you forgotten your evolution?"
he threw the pen at me and said...
"Now go write your way BACK into your joy!"
...and i did
slowly
like i had forgotten what it meant to feel free
first crawling
then babysteps
then running...
as fast as i can
with all the effort in my existance
to throw this monkey off my back
i ran back to my self
took my hand
kissed my self
and smiled
and said "I AM HERE!"

i cannot tell you how much of a release this was. i didn't expect this to come out the way it did, but the spirit of poetry always has a mind of its own.
My Big Brotha B...thank you is not enough...i love you.

Another Reason...

--for funny t-shirts that may offend, but oh well they are still funny
--for the sunshine warming my face
--for two new pieces slowly coming together
--for shopping with Taylor and just being girly
--for God making me a girl, for making me a woman...so much fun
--for the birds that wake me in the morning, and sing throughout the day
--for Sunshine making me laugh so hard, i thought i would cough up a lung...you are HEElarious
--for the cool nights sitting on the swing with you
--for you laughing at my high antics
--for belief in self
--for great friends, you don't need many...just real and true ones.
--for neosoul, and all the poets who grace the mic

Just Stuff

Hey Austin folks, Roger Bonair Agard is featuring at Ruta Maya this Thursday @ 6:30. His one man show is called Masquerade: Poems Of Calypso and Home. Check him out if ya can. So much going on this week and i gotta work. sux.

Wow. I have a serious shoe fetish.(shutup sarah lol) bought 2 new pairs and i swear i got a high off the whole process. trying them on. deciding which ones to buy. purchasing them. taking them home and trying them on again. the feel on my feet. which polish will i wear? damn sexy feeling.
I will buy a pair of shoes first then build an outfit from there, instead of the other way around.
When i watch tv or look at woman on the street, my eyes automatically go to the feet. not the hair. not the face. not the clothes, but the shoes. like last week paula abdul had some bad ass shoes on during American Idol.(brown high heels, laced up with ribbon) i laughed 'cause i'm looking under the table. its crazy i know.
So anybody else out there like this?
and men (women too) what is it about a shoe that turns you on? does it even matter to you?

raise your hand if you wanna scream if ya hear one more breaking news report on anna nicole smith? it is a tragedy indeed. i believe she died of a broken heart. all those damn vultures fighting over the baby, that they don't really give a damn about...but they sho want the money right!!

hmmm, the gov't is saying they have NO INTENTION of attacking Iran...funny..i remember that exact same BS being said about Iraq. we are in our last days...got to get it right!

when we pour our libation into the earth, will our ancestors gag and choke on the hypocracy? we are no longer honoring them, but mocking them.

life and love...all about the perception, right homie?
sure feels good

Gratitude So Sweet Indeed!

--for finally feeling just a lil bit better. i haven't been this sick in a long while.
--for my babies doing better too!
--for the way he takes care of me
--for snuggles with my kids while watching tv
--for love
--for you wanting me the way that you do...what can i say
--for your Valentine text message...thank you, it meant a lot
--for yummy buffalo shrimp...damn i'm a good cook
--for June and Herman thinking of me...meant a lot too
--for the feature in Tribeza Magazine...like hot damn and wow!
--for great photo shoots
--for knowing we are in this for the long haul, and it feels nice again
--for getting past my self...still working on me
--for true poetry
--for listening to His whispers again
--for sharing my words with some fantastic women, thank you Lisa
--for the last year of my 30's fast approaching, and looking forward to all the possibilities.

Destiny

if everyone has a season
than you must be my lifetime
etched into continuums
folded into always
numbered into infinity

let me feel forever
in the safety of your arms
while you find ecstasy
in the bend of my neck
whispering poetry to life

let our rhythms become tantric
as my temple pays homage to your kingdom
praying in my holy ground
causing God to write new scriptures
and angels to weep at our feet

there is no definition nor label to explain

it has always been this way
and it seems it will always be
complex in nature
simple in touch

so touch me
in that place
which beckons sweet satin waters
craving your fingertips
craving your.....

let tongues dance on the outer rims of lips
as we stare into eyes of one another
you taught me this gift
and there would be no other way
a kiss in its purest form

let our lashes hold hands
and our pupils dive into one another
like skipped pebbles across still waters
i am the light in your dark eyes
and you are the deepness in mine

i want to cradle your seed in my womb
feel lines of poetry stretch across my belly
as truth grows within
while you sing lullabies of unconditional
to your freedom

time will past
the seasons will change
but our lives will not be in vain
for you my love, are my lifetime
and i am your forever

Grateful for it all...

--for trying new things
--for shopping with Taylor and just enjoying each other's company
--for decorating her room, and the beautiful thankful smile on her face
--for great furniture finds on Craig's List
--for creativity
--for my dad now joining us on the set
--for the card you left for me...nice surprise
--for my son't math skills...he amazes me some time...no all the time!
--for you understanding the pain and being in my corner
--for purging pain and healing just a stitch more
--for swinging under the moonlight and talking to the Universe
--for your email B...always a kind word on dark days
--for the two of them now able to rest
--for the courage of women
--for God making me a woman
--for good books to get lost in
--for my reading hunger returning.
--for stepping away when needed and not feeling guilty
--for the words still coming

i will not make any apologies for the woman that i am
or for the woman i will be
so please stop punishing me for loving you
i am not some child who if you take my toy away
will throw a tantrum or behave as you wish
"daddy, i won't do it again...
i will be a good girl for you"
under the circumstances i have been a good girl.
i think you forgot i was a woman
one helluva woman at that!
with needs and wants just like your own
please stop playing the role of the martyr
your pain is not any different than mine
and it hurts just the same
we just have different views
doesn't make you right
doesn't make me wrong
but i'm here still
like always
loving you
despite yourself
perhaps despite my own self
i may not be enough for you
or is it i am too much?
but i am enough for me
right now that is all
that is all
that
is
all
that
matters
you feel me luv?

Patience

when you are ready
i will be be here
waiting
no questions asked
place apologies upon my lips
as your arms encircle my waist
tuck your regrets behind my ear
cast reflections of forever in your eyes

when you are ready
i will be here
getting this house in order
sweeping my mind clean
rearranging my heart
throwing out the baggage
so everything fits just right
making room for even more

when you are ready
i will be here
keeping this thickness thick
and this sweetness even sweeter
having secret conversations with Venus
creating new pictures for Sutra
an aphrodisiac i will become
to satisfy all your cravings

when you are ready
i will be here
to stand close at your side
with one hand holding your back
the other holding your hand
for i will uplift you and strengthen you
the best i know how
royalty you are
to your forever Queen

when you are ready
i will be here
waiting patiently
you better pray for open arms
and not a glock nine!

lol, sorry, thats not the real ending...just thought it was funny...and dammit i needed the laugh!!

Mother

I am always aware of my mother,
ominous, threatening,
a pain in the depths of my consciousness.
My mother is like a shell,
so easily broken.
Yet the fact that I was born
bearing my mother's shadow
cannot be changed.
She is like a cherished, bitter dream
my nerves cannot forget
even after I awake.
She prevents all freedom of movement.
If I move she quickly breaks,
and the splinters stab me.
--written by Nagase Kiyoko

came across this poem that spoke to me in whispers...then in screams. My mother and I play this game of labels very well. I have tried to scrape off the past imprints she has left within my skin. Bled to be purified of her legacy. easier said than done. It seems everytime i forgive and open myself up again...because it seems she has changed..her venom blinds me once again. This is true for a couple of relationships in my life, and the reason enough was enough. Had to let it go. So much harder to do though when its your mother. The ties that bind run deep. We talk occasionally, pleasantries exchanged...but one can always feel that underlying emotion.
I remember as a child secretly wishing for another mother...one who would fight back when my father used her as a punching bag, one who was checked into their child's life, one who was the dream in my head of what a mother should be.
but the other mother never came
but i survived her, and hopefully a better mother to my own. it's hard when you don't have a strong blueprint to follow.I love my mother, but she is in denial about so much. even questions my own memories, as if they weren't my own. She's in her 60's now, and she always used to look so young...but lately i noticed age is coming fast, and bitterness has set well in her wrinkled lines. Time is of the essence
Is it possible to make peace with someone and still have pain?
like unsaid said...binge love, purge pain

hmmm...

your sweet tooth for me
leaves cavities in my heart
unfilled fulfillment
decaying at the root
oh but the way your tongue plays with my lips
makes me forget pain even existed
at least for the moment
so we capture it
stretch it as long as we can
for the next one may never come
but you do...
no need for hands
as i rhythmically coax your essence
humming nectar down my throat
lubricating wings and glossing lips
admiring no drop left behind
or gone to waste
i have never tasted sweeter
thank you for stopping by
please cum again soon

A Few I'm Working On...

you built me a castle on the ocean's edge at lowtide
the moon was full
the stars were bright
there was hope in each grain
of sanddollar wishes
green and blue sea glass softened by time and chaos
adorned my skin like precious jewels
we looped wet strands around shells
i made you a glorious crown
you made me your forever queen
as if there was any other option

we watched the moon play with the tides
as the tides played hide and seek with our toes
until it had engulfed our entire body
carrying us and our castle of dreams out into its waters
for even the ocean wants to be baptized sometimes....
-----------------------
see you leave me speechless
words abandoning me
dancing softly from my lips
just to exist in your space
to be inhaled into your mouth
exhaled across your breath
the air parts like sweet thighs
welcoming you
i breathe you in
so i can find the words again....
------------------------
close my eyes across copywritten memories
inscribe love notes on the backs of doves wings
and send them off into the night air
upon wisps of smoke
as i wait patiently for your reply.......

Always Grateful...

--for finding the gratitude even when it feels so bad inside
--for exploring more of my otherside and taking that step
--for one day of sunshine, almost forgot what it looked like
--for t's pay raise and recognition for job well done
--for my new digital camera that i bought myself...so loving this one
--for seeing two movies for the price of one LOL with my gang
--for my son's dance moves...trying to imitate Stomp The Yard!
--for the words flowing the right way
--for laughing with my father, the kind that hurts the belly and the tears come
--for the look on your face when you walked in the door and saw what your kids had done for ya...hadn't seen a smile like that in a long time
--for knowing and feeling i AM a good person
--for my girl trying to find the answer to the pain...lil steps ma
--for spending a lil time with my oldest daughter...still my lil baby
--for the love of my brother...he's got my back always, and i got his
--for sexy shoes...can't have enough of those
--for cleansing cries, so much so damn teeth hurt...but its okay...its okay...okay

nobody wants to know the truth
she says
we are lovers to our own lies
caressing the underbelly
until dishonesty purrs from lips
taste so sweet
truth now bitter
you are not welcome here
she says
and licks the aphrodisiac
from deception's palm
for this is a bed we lay in often
with pretty pillows
for this is a dance with many partners
cut in anytime
the song plays long after the dj has gone home
long after the sun has kissed the earth
long after reflections give no face value
so where do we go from here
she asks
slicing life to the core
trying to feel again
blood pools non-existant
for lies drained joy a long time ago
we are the walking dead
living with no purpose
no rhythm
no rhyme
soulless
because we expect so less these days
where have our leaders gone
she asks
possibly murdered last night
by the cop shooting him in the back
in self defense
possibly raped before breakfast
by father 'cause mommy is too old now
teachers don't understand why she can't focus
stuffed into society's crack
invisible and lost in a system
that does not protect its children
they put guns in the hands of 18 and 19 year olds
fight this war
become a man
in return we will give you money for college
oh yeah and a triangle box and casket to match
got to have something for our beautiful red, white, and blue to drape........

Organic Butterfly

invisible ink inscribes affirmations upon butterfly wings
only to be seen in sunshine's gleam
when she flies into the heat
organic in nature
rain brings the color
she opens even wider
to catch the baptism
channeling through veins of identity
replenishing her thirst for flight
gliding between ether spheres
fearing nothing
but the cocoon left behind
so she returns
strapping her birthplace to the underside of her womb
with stitched cobwebs and willow tree sap

stuffed with hope

sealed with a kiss
and flies into the rain
to catch the rainbow
to color her beautiful........

Commitment To Self To Push Myself Even Harder

I haven't been focusing much on writing or performing lately. the words have been coming, and i've been writing. but its been like oh okay thats nice. write.turn page.write.turn page. put away.i've been worrying about trying to find that fire again, but not really doing anything to make the fire burn. i haven't been focusing very much due to some personal setbacks. i'm tired of using that excuse now. so....as a personal challenge to myself...i'm taking it all up to another level...hell that is what i'm going to do with my life PERIOD...right now, its a matter of life or death.
i've got to work through this madness in my head. notice i said work THRU, not get rid of...cause that is impossible i believe. embracing it and softening its edges is all i can do.
please don't take anything i post too personal. . i am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings or step on anyone's toes. may work for others, but its not my style. eventhough i have stated this disclaimer, i am SURE someone is going to read something and think i am writing about _________or___________(if you knew the truth, you would surely shut the fuck up anyway! folks don't ask me about truth, they just assume...too funny)
like i have said before...IT AIN'T ABOUT YOU HOMIE, ITS ALL ABOUT ME THIS TIME!
much love....isn't that what life is about anyway?

empty morsels left upon lips i crave
licking feverishly to taste something...anything
as i greedily try to feed my hunger
yet
you are a meal i am not hungry for
but
i feed on you in bits
as you feed on me in gulps
regurgitating a love affair
tearing at the lining of my heart
acidic holes penetrate
way past what i can no longer stomach
constantly
sugar sweet words carve the jagged lil' pill
forcing me to swallow
promises of tomorrows
leaving me in yesterday
without a blueprint to build another foundation
cracked
mud-laden
left too long in your suntips

running to my core

crumbling outer edges of existance.........

Continuously Ever Grateful...

--for my family joining me on the set, even in the rain we kept laughing.
--for wanting to make it better between us...and it is and will be so
--for the cold rainy nights
--for warm flannel snowflake pj's all weekend...so sexy lol
--for waking up in your arms with my head still on your chest...nice place to dream
--for laughs thru emails, text messages and phone calls
--FOR SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry got a lil excited there
--for sliding down hills on the ice and snow, yeah what!!
--for loving my quirkiness, its part of me and i adore it
--for realizing i just can't keep doing this with you...part of taking ME back...and its okay i won't fall apart
--for fireplaces and hot apple cider...together
--for my dad looking so cute all bundled up
--for my mom calling me her lil canadian girl...i don't call her enough...working on that
--for yummy stew...yep i made it
--for loving to cook
--for king's text pushing me harder and believing in me...thank you for all the encouragement
--for my own personal challenge when it comes to writing and poetry
--for you having to stay home due to the bad (good) weather
--for finally putting up all the christmas stuff...its just so hard to put away...yeah i know its the 16th of jan.
--for planning his 40th already
--for my next door neighbor's house saved in the fire, and for it not jumping onto our roof
--for the beauty of an icicle...really look at one
--for vitamin e oil and ALL its uses...yeah you can go there dirty minded people lol
--for wanting to start anew, even after 15yrs

Random Poetic Thoughts...

i often wonder what it is you see when you look at me, for i no longer see my reflection in your eyes

fists of 'i love you' have left permanent bruises on my insides, passed through the thin looking glass of my mother, and her mother before her

men, sometimes can be so beautiful we forget (ignore) their ugliness

tell me nothing needs to be done...a man who won't ask me to be what he needs, but lets me exist as i am

you left me high within the notes

flow through me like water, cleansing the ebb of my soul, baptise me in acoustic holy waters, bless me in the half beats

you are a meal i am not hungry for, but i feed on you in bits as you feed on me in gulps, regurgitating this love affair

i am a woman freeing my voice

alabaster skin cannot hold the hues of gold you once cherished in mine, perhaps this is the reason you still visit your temple of the Goddess

i see her still, eventhough this life opened its doors to another world for her, closing quietly, as she joyfully walked through several years ago...my grandmother

ejaculated commitment in my mouth, so the action of my swallow would leave no trace of you to explain...to me...to her...or to yourself. so i swallow hard trying to stuff you past my reality beyond foolish heart, beyond truth burning in my gut

got me paying rent to stay in your heart and my ass is flat broke, but eventhough i try to relenquish this lease...you still will not evict me...why

ease me slowly, decisivly, and gently into your mind

God doesn't live here anymore

tick tock
yep

Always Grateful...

--for the fact i have things to be still grateful for, despite the storm
--for my umbrella
--for the way you smile when you look at me
--for work that is fun...and comes with a paycheck (yeah)
--for taylor's new beau walking her home so he can meet the parents, he was scared shitless lol, but a gentleman nevertheless
--for chocolate fountains OMG! with strawberries, apples, and cherries...YUM!!
--for the secrets you hide w/in my curls and w/in my eyes
--for hearing the words i help you write...still beautiful to me
--for one of the hottest slams ever at Neo
--for understanding i still have options
--for knowing even when we are not speaking, we are a constant force throughout
--for playing auntie to one incredible lil man
--for seeing the growth, even with setbacks its okay, keep the steps moving forward
--for 5lbs gone! i'm doing it and doing it and doing it well!!
--for taking back the pieces i have let others feed on freely....taking back my power
--for knowing and understanding, it ain't about you homie...its about me
--for my new kimono...feels so good against my skin

backward glances see the words written in caked mud
footprints turning to dust
the past has lost its way
unable to see my future within your eyes
for it now has no foundation
cracked at its core
fissures have turned to gorges
leaving valleys for tears to fill
overflows taunt the levees to break
pretty lace, rose petals, and heart strings
just don't hold it together anymore....
but forgiveness granted
as i blow harder to dry fragile wings.

Back in Business...

You never know just how dependent you are on the computer until technology acts up, and puts you out of commission for awhile...thank you Time Warner for your new services lol.
soooooo i hope everyone's holiday was great, with precious time spent with family and friends.
2007 has already proven it will be an interesting year, to say the least. I spent the last moments of 2006 in prayer and praise...thankyou Ms. Jackson. It was a beautiful uplifting experience, very much needed...gave me some hope...and some understanding.
2007 the season of perfection is what the message was.....the #7 is powerful and full of grace....please shower me and drench me in all its glory.
this i pray....
ahhh but the beginning of my new year is already showing a shift in my normal.....not ready for it, but it is written in the cards...huh sarah?!
I am sure i will find out what i'm made of this year...a lil bit more a lil bit more a lil bit more.
bring it on babeeeeeee!!! I accept this challenge with alllll my heart....just let me make the right choices for all 3 of us.

Gratitude for the first Wednesday of 2007 (yeah a lil late, but grateful just the same)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
--for the Creator and all that He has blessed me with
--for leaving baggage in 2006, eventhough someone is trying to give me back my bags lol
--for Bishop and his unorthodox ways....love it
--for my children, and all the love they pour into me...my strength indeed
--for zell and joe giving me the puppy eyes and making me laugh...i know i know i have got to get over my stage fright and shyness
--for stretch escalades and some bad ass poets, thank you for including me
--for new friendships
--for strengthening old friendships
--for him seeing me past the obvious....so much wisdom for someone so young
--for the way he smiles at me from across the room
--for being his weakness
--for all the challenges and possibilites for the new year
--for writing in the sunshine
--for moonlit nights
--for new books
--for getting back on set
--for having a place to escape to when i need it the most...thank you sunshine
--for showing me who you really are, or always have been...never enough huh?
--for me and finding out who "me" really is, all my quirks, weaknesses, strengths, downfalls, pains, loves, passions, wisdom, traits, beauty, darkness....all of it is ME, and i embrace it ALL

Last Grateful Wednesday of 2006

--for sunshine making it safely thru the bad weather, and to her family
--for hot n spicey drinks, fireplaces, good munchies, good people, stimulating conversations, and GREAT poetry jam sessions
--for ms. j's beautiful voice
--for hearing him smile again thru the phone
--for our poetry still feeling sacred...and we treat it as such
--for not stressing this christmas
--for the smiles on my children's faces and their snuggly hugs
--for sitting under the stars with my lil brother(not so lil), and just laughing and talking...he is adorable and cool as hell...wouldn't trade him for the world
--for facing some of my fears, and not running
--for facing some of my fears and running...acknowledgement is enough right now
--for making choices that are nurturing to my spirit
--for the endless possibilities coming in the new year
--for wanting to be better, instead of just safe

broken wishbones
cracked promises
soft lies
easy swallowed

open heart

closed eyes

tunnel vision

blurred choices

stinging wounds

cancerous friends

benign love

black undersides

untouched memories

not ready

need time

need wings

new beginnings

yesterday returns

wishful thinking

hinders flight

darkened mentality

screams redemption

forgiveness vital

forgetting unintentional

tainted tongue

shadowed eyes

indian giver

trust taker

knees bent

desperate heart

humble prayer

peaceful sleep

Even in Storms There Are Blessings...

-for the fact you still love me
-for the fact i still love you
-for being able to spend lots of quality time with the kids
-for seeing them grow so beautifully...i got it right this time
-for hanging out and just being giggly girls
-for laughing so hard my stomach hurt
-for wings and brownies
-for the music of D'Angelo...lawd lawd
-for embracing the pain
-for the words that flow into my healing
-for your smile
-for taylor styling my hair, bringing memories of my own childhood doing mommy's hair
-for him wanting you...the power of it all lol
-for feeling a change coming...i'm scared...but willing
-for knowing it will be okay eventually
-for hot apple cider

Fuck You for Saying Snap Out Of It!!

it seems the dark days are returning, yet i don't know why at this time it has chosen to seep back in. like i said before, i believe it never really leaves us...we just learn to manage it better. or disguise it as something else. most days are better than others...but i feel it, and i am trying to push it back.
forgive me, because it is also showing up in the(my) writing...perhaps that is a good damn thang. so bare with me while i bare with myself..

he watches
as he always has
waiting
patiently
with soulless eyes
for her to give him hers
or at least another piece
for he has collected her
only in small doses
which he hides in a crystal box
made of salted tears
opens it daily
masterbating to her pain

acquired a taste for her
starting at an early age
dipped ragged nails into innocence
tasting the sweetness of youth
enjoyed the music of her cries
became the invisible playmate
for often she was left alone

he took her voice
placed it in the fragile box
knowing it would be her strength
but he could not allow her to be heard
soft spoken--if she even speaks at all

she learned early to exist in pain
for this was not living
found false hope in a child
never to leave her womb whole
sucked into brown sludge
as tiny fingers desperately
held onto the cord binding them
as they both were torn to pieces

he kept her close
to feed his hunger
and her drunken steps
kept him satisfied...........
(of course not finished, perhaps its best)

because the darkness never really leaves...does it...?

i want to take your pain
reach deep inside the heart of your hell
plunge both hands in its sponge
that soaks you in daily
rip it from its existance and squeeze the dead out of it
so life can come back into dark eyes
(where reflections no longer exist)
let it seep into the ground where fathers lay
and where i should bury hers
for you hold much too tightly to a legacy
not belonging to you
there is comfort in the pain though
cradling you into nightmares
playing games in the blood left on the floor
too many pieces to play with
not enough players
therefore demons play you often
and the company is appreciated

let me have the pain
enter inside these walls
until my womb absorbs this madness
fertilizing with my own sadness
together let it grow
let it grow
let it grow
until soft insides split
and this heart explodes
ripping my existance apart
so i may rain down on you
covering your beautiful face
with transfered grace
freeing you from an internal prison
with keys, windows, and doors
found only within eyes
of agape......

'Tis The Season

-for Neo being HOT last week, thanks to the ladies (big smile)...oh and Marcel did the thang fo sho!
-for hanging with you, as if no gliches ever happened
-for good drinks, good laughs, and good dancing
-for reconnecting with family members at my cousin's homegoing service...why is that?
-for feeling your spirit surround me, as i remembered laying in your lap during church service while sucking on peppermints
-for missing you still so much it hurts, but letting the feeling come
-for old boyfriends wanting to see me...lol like he was my boyfriend at age 7 or 8 lol
-for celebrating all my girl's hard work...yeah for graduating...yeah for parties
-for my son and how he loves me...something about that mother/son bond
-for the words not stopping
-for a good game of Upwords, good drinks, and good laughs with you 3...and a half (lil ms princess)
-for the beauty in your precious lil smile
-for the magic cup
-for strong beautiful women, even in pain and disappointment...beautiful
-for being witness to the love Eb & Flo have for one another....makes me still believe
-for seeing the progress i am making with Me

-for still loving you, eventhough i don't like you...and its OK

-for those goofy text messages that just make your day...thank you

Please Tell Me How This Makes Sense...

a local elementary school in the area, actually off of 620, is going to relocate their students due to overcrowding. no big deal usually, but this is the part(s) that bother me:
-this will be the 3rd time in 3 years these students have been moved. 3 DIFFERENT schools in 3 years.
-the fact they are elementary children who throughout these formative years, should be able to cultivate bonds with friends, lasting throughout most of their schooling ( i know is was moved around alot too...but still)
-the fact it has been 3 years, and just now something is being done about it. i mean don't they have planning commitees for this type of projection? part of the reason we pay taxes and vote on bonds right?
-oh and two of my favorite reasons why this crap is really bothering me.....
#1, guess what? the huge majority of these kids are MINORITIES...hmmm not really surprising is it?!
#2, and this is the end all to end all...so adding/building more space to the existing school is out of the question (but prisons are being expanded on a daily basis)
and 3 yrs ago no one thought of "hey, let's build a new school so our students can thrive and have a condusive learning environment." (but new prisons are being built as i type this)
noooooo see all of the above would be too much like right (as friend of mine says). so where are they going to place these lovely young children, you ask?
shaking head even now in disgust: how about in an abandoned CHEMICAL TESTING PLANT!!!!!!!
But the building is so much closer to where they live, the administrator's say.
really? as if that is suppose to make it ok?
i mean really, seriously are you serious? who knows what these children will be exposed too w/in those walls or what will they come into contact with while playing in the dirt at the playground!!
No, i don't know what chemicals had been tested at this site, but does it really matter?!
I'd be curious to see the statistics of ailments and health issues these students have in the future.
this is not the first time, of course not, minority children have had less than adequate learning conditions all over this fine nation, Where No Child Shall Be Left Behind and It Takes A Village, right? riiiiiight! I know of another campus (here in atx) where radio active waste had been found in the playground, and after a brief dig it was discovered it had been built on top of a dumping ground. nothing really done, fresh dirt added and the playground was shortened. lol...yep
why why why why is this okay?

Conversations with Self and Me...So Much Work Left To Do...But I'm Doing It

hey
yeah?
we need to talk
about...?
your heart
my heart?
yes your heart
what about it?
i'm tired of holding it together...
***************************
Her intentions are not of a soft shell
but she likes the way time has worn her edges
soft and smooth,
as she runs a finger across life
feeling rounded curves at each turn
occasionally jagged peaks protrude
not yet eroded by healing tears
instead filling the valleys
deepening on each side-
either she drowns daily
or floats,
searching for an olive branch in the debris left behind
not realizing the debris will stick to her edges
strengthen her walls
eventually,
she will be able to carve a door to walk through
or open a window to breathe-
even in darkness
stained glass is beautiful.
***********************
but it is so hard to see beauty
in cracked reflections
only ugliness and distortion make sense
altered reality plays tricks with truth
past life creates present lies
only to dine on self
because her world is starving
with only spoonfuls of emptiness to feed her.
binging on whatever scraps
are thrown her way
gorging on rancid sweet trash
until her womb is so heavy with self-hatred
she must ram her heart into her throat
to purge it all away.
acidic lies burn as they rush through her insides
past her silent tongue
only the sickening sound of a broken heart can be heard
as it slams into the vomit it helped create.
she picks up the pieces as always
trying to scrape away the cancer festering inside
diligently chipping away the hardening plaque
using what she just expelled from her throat
as a binding glue
not realizing though the pieces fit,
slightly,
never quite the same really,
she will continue to decay from the inside
leaving only a soft shell
that no one can love
not even her self.

Gratitude is an Attitude....

-for writing again...its flowing again and i love being at its mercy
-for getting the tree up this year nov. 30th...never has been that early
-for decorating with my family, very special moments
-for text messages to make you laugh when you most need it
-for real female friendships
-for night skys that just seem to glow lately
-for knowing just a bit of you
-for recognizing everything and everyone sometimes has a season, always a reason, not necessary to hold onto
-for playing Boggle with Kami
-for passion that still burns
-for my cousin Bobbi, she put up a good fight, but He took her home yesterday evening...now you can rest ma
-for you wanting to share your words with me, and wanting my opinion....meant a lot
-for family for family for family
-for snuggles
-for for my brother introducing me as his beautiful sister...awww
-for eating just a little better...got to start somewhere
-for poetry and those who keep it sacred

working on this one...

i am not what i was
much more than i am
standing here with a voice that can make love to minds
creating mental foreplay and orgasmic rhythms
to tease and satisfy all that they crave...
unable to satisfy my own cravings
so i search deep inside
among the clutter and chaos
for a new voice to be heard

it is here,
upon my shoulder where my heart sits
absorbing blows fists have missed
teetering on the brink of exhaustion
catching wayward tears these eyes have banished
reminding my head to sit squarely
as the weight of my world bares down.

it is here,
in my hands that still grasp at rainbows
and silver linings
while battered fingers hold rusty needles
to patch fraying seams
within this thinning soul
and the pen beckons to be a catalyst.

it is here,
between my legs
where tips of fingers were licked clean of innocence.
buried children here...
once by my own shovel, twice by God's
with no eulogy to speak of.
pulled my tribe from here-my namesakes, beautiful and strong.
finally self worth closed the temple doors to jokers and thieves

it is here,
just behind shades of indigo
where visual wisdom senses what cannot be seen
cast insight into yesterday, today and possibilities

it is here,
behind bolted doors
with keys strung across rib cages
in dark basements of my mind
on stairs leading to nowhere
all swept under tattered rugs
trying to ignore which seeps through threads
of much walked upon

it is here,
deep inside where the child still dreams
still cries in the corner
who runs to the woman
who has often fell from grace
who is covered by wings
with prayers etched into each quill

my voice is here
whispering through the chaos
praying through the silence
.........

Because I Was Inspired

i make wishes of you upon comet's tails
with promises of fleeting reality
to feel the passion burn in my heart
tattooed within the ashes...

tonight moonbeams brought us closer
wrapped tight in it's magic
our tides synchronized
a fluidity of necessity never lost

i released my butterflies upon your lips
dancing down your throat
to keep company with your own
their is strength in numbers

held me so close
i could feel our wings fluttering in your chest
taking turns playing with heartbeats
an effect caused long ago, felt now

your eyes always looking past the obvious
searching for any residue left of you
instead, we found us
lost within one another

one hand playing in curls
as the other traces my neck
finding its way to supple breasts
mouth indulges on raspberry candy

pushing my pain threshold back further
satin sweetly calling your name
welcoming what is meant for me
feeling the wetness ebbing for you

it seems our bodies defy this plane
having trouble keeping grounded
sexual animation suspended within rhythm
celestial love seeded in rich earth

watered by orgasmic moans and screams
angels blush at their voyeuristic creation
kiss the red glow into my cheeks
soften your chest for my face

knowing they will never have what they created
to feel the warmth in my well
or the intoxication of your lips
they fly as close as they can to taste heaven

and they weep.

Another One So Soon

-for words in need of existance
-for phone calls...just because you wanted to say hello
-for singing so off key, but oh so cute "i just called to say...."
-for decorating for Christmas
-for finding great treasures to add to my home
-for Craig's List
-for hanging out with my brother
-for a lil sanity...i said a lil
-for life
-for prayer
-for my cousin getting out of intensive care
-for my brother walking away untouched from an accident he shouldn't of...thank you thank you!
-for your fingers in my hair
-for understanding my weakness and insecurities
-for quiet moments
-for teaching moments in your negativity...i am stronger than you think i am
-for bannana foster's icecream pie...my new favorite recipe

Look What I Forgot....

looked at my calendar, sorry people


Happy Birthday to Amy

Happy Birthday to Eboni

Happy Birthday to Ms Jo

and Happy Thankgsiving to everyone!!

Soooo Much THANKS to GIVE N this life....clever huh lol

-for meeting such interesting people on this journey
-for laughs with my kids
-for good poetry
-for loving the skin i'm in
-for not obsessing over weight anymore, like i hear so many do...it can take over your life
-for warm hugs on cold nights
-for my new sandals, yes i know its almost winter...but i get them cheaper in the off season lol
-for caramel apples...yum
-for my son's sense of humor having his mother bent over in laughter in the middle of a store
-for my family together on Thanksgiving...priceless
-for my daddy asking if i had both my feet left, 'cause i put both of them in the food i had prepared...lol
-for satisfied faces and satisfied bellies
-for my oldest daughter's boyfriend, he seems to calm her spirit...plus he is a comedian, and a nice guy...guess he is a'ight (as t said)
-for chivalry
-for dancing slowly in his arms in the middle of the store, and the horrified look of taylor when she saw us lol
-for out of sight out of mind
-for love
-for my grey ghost, the butterfly mobile is back!
-for my daughter's creativity
-for christmas ornament shopping and taylor's excitement
-for family, its so good, had to say it twice

For It All Is A Good Thing...

-for my 14 yr old realizing she didn't like the silly mental games her boyfriend was playing...so she broke up with him...she is a smart girl indeed
-for exploring new avenues in life, and loving the detours
-for great report cards
-for sharing in a grand celebration for 3 up and coming young gospel rappers
-for reconnection
-for tears of joy
-for you always showing up, even if it means lingering in the background (i always know u r there)
-for still smiling like a school girl when i see you
-for you saying my glasses were sexy...why thank you
-for changing my mind, and opting for jazz with jazzman...good choice
-for team practice...dang its been awhile, but we still groove well
-for my brother's long awaited screen time...he is so cute
-for my new computer desk
-for purging stuff and junk, so i can create a new, more peaceful beautiful environment for my family...for love
-for elbow to elbow game playing action....HAHA i won again!
-for your lol text messages

Another Wednesday of Gratitude, though Everyday I AM

-for experiencing life through a poet's eyes
-for going forward when so many others said no, or added roadblocks
-for one incredible trip
-for looking people in the eye, and touching their hand...we all should do this more often...its honest
-for traveling grace, prayers, and well wishes....thank you thank you
-for my glasses
-for my babies....they are simply incredible
-for knowing she is okay
-for strong arms to hold alllllllll this
-for seeing i have a gift, and believing it finally
-for you creeping into my dreams, its safer there so yeah i understand
-for that "feeling" again
-for my daddy's laugh...he turned 64 saturday
-for my daddy being so proud of his babygirl...he tells me now
-for cheering with Taylor's friends @ football game...they think i'm cool lol
-for my mother's happy tears after reading my lil' book of poetry
-for text messages that make me laugh
-for Joss Stone's voice OMG!
-for realizing some people are exactly what they show you (though their words will swear they are not), but its okay...learning to love and admire at arm's length
-for books of encouragement and strength....i heart you
-for you calling just to hear my voice, in need of a poem...(we had some good times, huh?)
-for family for family for family for family for family for family for family
-for holding hands while making love
-for deep sweet kisses lasting a lifetime
-for still believing in yesterday
-for NeoSoul tonight....been missing

Haiku...that's all

my choice is, of me
reaching deeply for sweet peace
now dance within love

This Story Is Not Yet Over, But Just Beginning...

dragged B out once more into this beautiful city. of course, out to some mountain and natural setting...pick that over shopping any day. saw the petroglyphs, ancient drawings of the Pueblo people atop an inactive volcano...question...if inactive why the hell these rocks still feel very very VERY warm, while about 50/60 degrees outside? of course i climbed to the top, while B went half way then once again stated, 'shelle ya on your own'. lol...yep love my adventurous spirit...how else to experience the beauty of this life right?
later that evening headed out to our second feature in town, Central Avenue Reading, that takes place at local coffee shop...serves very good chai by the way.
totally different crowd. average age around 55/60. very literary. very distinguished. read from their own published works. B and i realized we will have to revamp our show. no i say NEO, you say SOUL!! here lol... i wore my glasses, yes glasses! you know, trying to fit the part. though i did one of my performance pieces (more subdued of course), it was nice to do the rest of my set reading from my book. i was reading one of my more sensual pieces, when i realized i was coming across a certain erotic passage, started to panic a lil thinking damn these are my grandparents in here. sped up the piece a lil, lol, but also could see the elderly gentlemen perking up a bit LOL LOL. too funny. B did a very good set, in fact one of the best...something about not being rushed or in a heightened state ya know. He had those women remembering the old days. lol Ms Dale passed the basket around, church style....not bad at all plus sold more product.
i wished i could of stayed longer with these folks. most have led fascinating lives. so enriched even now, with such great stories to tell. i pray in my own older years i have just as many fascinating tales to tell to people along my path.
still whispering my thank you's into the universe.
hung out with more poets at a local bar. more great conversations, drinks, great laughs, good food (though they don't know what it means to eat wings!), and overall outstanding meeting of the minds.
poets are cool people....that is if you leave ego's (haven't i said that already lol) and open your mind to the moment.
said our goodbye's. damn. last night. B grabbed my hand as we walked through a tunnel to the car, and said "MichelleDesiree..." and i said "Brian Francis...," then together we said " we did it..."...yeah we did...yeah we did.
it was time to go though, we both were missing family something awful!
hit the road for home...home, hmm such a sweeter word these days...around 10am friday morning. snuck in the front door around a quarter to midnight. (no one, but Tarik knew i was coming home). nothing like loving arms around you...nothing like his arms.
my dad's birthday was in 15min. i was his present he said....awwwwww
my beautiful son come's running down the hall and leaps into my arms, kissing me repeatedly, holding me like i was a brand new xbox 360...and if you knew my son...lol...that was a strong hold.
taylor then runs and hugs me just crying her lil eyes out. wow they really made their mom feel good.
nothing as sweet as a family's love...sigh...home sweet home
does it get any better than this?...i guarantee it does
watch and see....
smile

Native Love, Poetry & Beer

Catching up on my blogging, so i have posted 2 others below besides this one...
Wednesday morning, B and I performed for two classes at the Native American Charter Academy (NACA). We knew it would be fun working with the kids, but didn't realize just how important this day would be for both of us.
The school is less than a year old, the student population 90% Native American, a place where they spirits can be nurtured and grow, where they can feel like the norm and not the outcast.
the students were so excited to see us. Their teacher, Ms. Emily, had been talking about slams, poetry, and even showed them a few clips of def poetry jam and Taylor Mali. Ms. Emily is a budding poet herself, but has never read on an open mic...ah but we took care of that soon enough. The first class was a group of 6th graders and a whole lot of fun. The boys were more outspoken, while the few females stayed quiet.
i could see their hesitation, so i tried much as possible to keep them involved. I made sure to let them know they have a voice, and how important it is for them to realize this fact. it had taken so long for me to find my own ya know.
B and I did a couple of pieces, then taught a mini writing workshop. they were very receptive and so eager to share. B brought them up to the front of the room like rock stars...you could just see them shining...and shine they did! The words these kids wrote were simply amazing. police problems, drugs, alcohol, being different, pleading for change....and they are 11/12 year olds. wow...very humbling. We gave each of them promo posters, which of course, they wanted autographed. they were the stars, not us.
grabbed a quick bite to eat at a Thai resteraunt, then returned for the second class...i wasn't ready for what was to come.
the kids 7th graders, just a yr or two older. B and i did the same format as before, but the outcome totally different. several topics were put on the board (they chose first or strongest memory), they picked one, then letters chosen, then 3 words for each letter-only had to choose 2 from each letter, then given about 10 minutes to write. one by one they got up there and just ripped my heart out. i felt the tears coming, tried desperately to hold them back, but no...and even some of the kids in class couldn't contain themselves. they spoke of losing their brother, their fathers, fathers who were killed or just left, of grandmother's, of the pain of just living, of a mother's love. it was heart wrenching, but it seemed...needed. wounds were opened, but the tears cleansed.
i read a piece about my grandmother and baking lemon cookies, almost couldn't get through it myself. miss her so. but i realize exposing myself like that, gave another the courage to read about her own grandmother. a very shy beauty, who needed her friend to hold her hand as she read. when the tears started, she moved closer to her strength and she held her as she read...we were all a mess by the time she finished. it was so moving. some of the students just couldn't stop crying...the dam had been opened. they had put a voice to some deep seeded pain, and this was probably the first time they have had the opportunity to deal with it.
a love circle was needed before the class was dismissed, just to make sure everyone would be okay...shoot was i?
the spirit was moving in there, it was moving....i pray they keep writing through the pain and just fly. it was hard leaving them, but we will be back and will stay in touch.
sigh...if i never lived another day, they made it all worth it in that small moment. poetry live and in living color.
does it get any better....probably not....well....
B and I rocked the hell out of the District Bar, our first full length feature. We performed 8 pieces. second set Desiree did the love set LOL, and you know she left honey on the mic, and the bees did come. lol. great reactions need i say more!! LOL. after us, was a qualifying slam for IWPS....DAMN could not believe the power on the mic...one of the best slams i have been to in a very long time. did a lot of networking, hung out with some more fantastic poets....but still could not get those babies out of my mind...and i am sure i never will.
more later...

Gratitude on a whole different level....

-for all the unique and beautiful people i have met and reconnected with
-for a great traveling partner, we are good together...not getting on each other's nerves too much
-for seeing life through new eyes
-for good conversations in late night diners
-for being on the same stage with Andrea Gibson
-for no egos
-for meeting Tara, and getting lost in her eyes
-for the sweetness of Ken, think i have a crush on him
-for meeting some of the Deadly Penz, and for them really enjoying our words
-for making great connections
-for my adventurous spirit
-for being so close to God, He kissed me
-for the purity of snow
-for the kid in me
-for the wonderful kids at the Native American Charter Academy...they made it all worth it
-for the inspiration of IWPS @ Poetry and Beer (one of the best slams i have ever seen)
-for Don offering his home to us
-for warm apple caramel pie served by loving hands
-for late night phone calls making me smile
-for tears of i miss you
-for appreciating what's waiting on me at home more
-for believing in me and mine....

Day 5 and Day 6

dragged B out once more into the wildnerness. he has been so good about it. finding out the big strong big gunned brotha does not do heights...but is keeping me happy lol.
went up on Lookout Mountain, which lived up to its name for sure. full of snow, i once again was just as giddy. so what does any 38 yr old kid do, falls down in the snow and makes snow angels of course!
i stepped out on to this rocky ledge, that literally had sky below me. birds were'nt flying as high as i was lol. being that high up, my eyes prayed silently, while my lips spoke for them.
performed at a youth slam. these kids are really good. but i am still partial to our austin youth. got to judge the slam as well. that is some tough stuff. but inspired by them and vice versa.
hung out w/ ken, eddie, and jen rinaldi from denver at a local diner...damn good burgers. lots of laughing and great conversations. made me miss my neo even more. they are a strong family here.
temp dropped dramatically. poor ken, no meat on the lil man so i gave him an extra long hug...'cause you know i can keep someone warm lol.
dang, i hated leaving denver...but we must...headed out early tuesday morning for the long drive to New Mexico...
gassed up in Ratton, but the cashier stopped me dead in my tracks. i know it was Halloween, but damn...the girl was in black face, dressed as Aunt Jemima...no sir no sir. hey, this has been a trip of some quite interesting sightings...
i saw colors that just don't exist anywhere else. the trees. the horses. the sky. the mountains. i wanted to place it all in my crayon box and take it home with me. had to stop and take in the moment when the sun decided to go to sleep, i felt it was the least i could do...for the blessing the sky had given me.
made it into town, met up with Don (slammaster for team) and Eric Bodwell...it was halloween, so headed over to a party around the corner. the whole street was Halloween to the fullest, every home decorated, lines of kids at each door...pretty neat.
Still meeting the most unique people in the world. artists are the best people. eric invited us to another party up in the mountains, and to see/hear a local band. now you know i was down, always the adventurer...B just smiled and told me to have a good time. no more mountains for him, and the word gypsies really sealed the deal.
Here i am, in a toyota truck with eric, sidney and his dog milo...going higher and higher up a very dark mountain, middle of the night, world beat drums playing from the cd, going higher, no lights, drops on both sides of road, higher...uh, start getting just a lil nervous...am i fixin' to be a sacrifice or something? i mean it is halloween...then all of a sudden there is this town...don't blink...there is this bar The Mine Shaft...literally behind an apex of the mountain...streets not even paved...oh yeah this is going to interesting.
walk in, and uh yeah....i know its halloween, yeah i keep reminding myself...but it seemed this lil place was something out of the ordinary ALL THE TIME....take all this in: mainly pink people, hippies, old coal miners for real, this gorgeous 6'4 brother, dreads to his behind doing the Charleston on the dance floor, gypsies bellydancing, every once in awhile i would see white german shepards appear and just sit around...okay, this is looking a lil' vampirish lol. held my drink close. someone offered me some of the that good stuff lol, and i declined...so YOU KNOW I WAS ON EDGE....end up in some mind shaft sleeping with the dead upside down, wondering why i am allergic to the sun...no sir no sir. this is what did it for me, after the band (very good too) finished, i was talking to a local, turned back a moment...there is this girl, in all black, with black tophat on sitting on edge of stage playing a large wooden harp...so melodic, so translike, so i will meet ya guys outside LOL.

Day 4

the first thing i do each morning is walk outside and look at the snow capped mountains not to far from my reach...and whisper "thank you"...does it get any better? probably!
when in Rome do as the Romans do...watched part of the Broncos game in Hooters...man these are some serious fans here! even the harley's are bronco orange. lol.
prepared for our first slam at the Mercury Cafe aka the Merc. familiar faces. new faces. hugs and smiles from both. the house band, Neo Complex and the Word Mechanics, played while several poets read before the open mic. sorta like open mic before the open mic. the scene was just as eclectic and artsy as friday night's Cafe Nuba (its hot and its black!).
hung out a lil with some of the Denver slam team (Katie, Paulie, Ken, Sawelo-bad spelling i'm sure).
these guys are family just as much as the neo soul family, made us feel such at home.
so here was the slam, now mind you no more than 8 slots available, and THEY pick the order.
Katie from the team, was the sacrifice poet(25.9)
i was GIVEN the first damn slot lol (23.2) take it back please take it back!
Young American Eddie (23.2)
Brandon Scapula, an amazing 16yr kid. judges robbed him (18.2)
Andrea Gibson....yeah i said Andrea Gibson!! (28.5) felt like i was touched by God personally.
BFran did the damn thing too! (25.8)
Shane Romero (22.3)
Ian...great poet (28.0)
Paule Lipman, another member of the team (26.7)
straight into 2nd round and high score gets to CHOOSE where he/she wants to read...
BFran had 'em laughing (26.8) Paulie (26.2) Ian (27.3) and Andrea (28.6)
3rd round only 2 poets fight it out....no 2nd, no 3rd...though technically big brotha B got it!!
Ian scored 29.3 and Andrea took it all with 29.6...automatically earning a spot in the semi's.
it didn't matter we didn't win, i didn't even mind going out the first round. we were having so much fun, but more importantly we earned the respect of some fine poets.
i mean B and i did walk up in their house, home of the #1 slam team in the nation and did our thang fo sho! everyone showed us much love, sold a lil product, landed more gigs for a later date, and took some great pix(will post soon). wow. like i said can it get any better? probably!

Like Wow!

day 2 and 3: hit the road early...i just can't stop saying how beautiful the New Mexico area is, i mean just breathtaking....but breathtaking will not be the words for what was to come...more later.
-B and I were in awe the whole trip through New Mexico. the terrain, the rock formations jutting up into the sky, the earthy colors....God had fun here. i swear i saw indians standing warrior-like atop the plateaus, with their strong painted horses granting us passage. seriously. you knew they were here....still.
-met a mark in Las Vegas, NM who simply wanted to know he was justified beating the crap out of some guys he knew, with a bat, they broke in his home stole personal items. he didn't care about the material things, just wanted tape of his wife giving birth to their daughter. yes this is a conversation held in a gas station p-lot. he was a good man u could see it, a simple man.
-grabbed a quick bite from Johnny's Mexican Resteraunt, uh one-eyed Johnny manned the cash register. not a happy camper either....maybe cause he only has ONE eye.
-okay a caution sign: ELK Crossing next 6 miles....uh what!
-sign that read: speeds monitored by air
-look in rearview mirror and see 8 DHL trucks coming up the highway. but faraway, didn't know what type of trucks....very intimidating
-lil areas of snow popping up, can see snow capped mountains in the distance. OH MY!
-seeing antelope grazing...not deer...antelope
-at one point we came out of b's birthplace and crossed the Canadian River(canada being my birthplace)....how ironic is that?
-indie arie jamming as we are riding...Priceless
-there is a pass which divides NM from CO, which we thought would be short, turns out goes for miles and miles through the mountains. snow is everywhere but roads are clear people. i was so overcome by the beauty of it all, i cried. seriously. so damn good to be alive.
-stopped briefly at scenic loop...almost kissed the snow. threw a snowball at B...got ya!
-hit denver, nice city...uh where are the black people? the last black person we saw was about 400 miles back. hopefully at Cafe Nuba we will see a few.

Cafe Nuba is an eclectic art experience. the people, the words, the artforms, a lil of everything. a whole lot of fun.
-independent film w/ the film maker actually there. -podcast slam -dj spinning -open mic....which b and i rocked the hell out of -carlos mena and jamie kilstein were the features. jamie was hot like fire, has been on tour since august and is booked through may...will be coming to NeoSoul in feb. -the whole time poets are spitting, there are two artists on stage opposite side painting on canvas. like seriously this is some interesting shyttttt! -the whole show was just that...a show to feed you. -made some great connections...in fact a group called the Deadly Penz wants us to come back and feature at their spot in Aroura...they are going to FLY us back. okay yeah we can do that!

thank you for all the love and prayers sent this way, don't stop. dang i miss my babies, and my man (everything for a reason).
B and I are chilling today, watching the games, doing some sight seeing, writing, invited to an african dance club tonight.
we are already forgetting time and days lol.
much love

The Adventure Begins....

okay so we got on the road about 9:45am this morning. i have been up since 7am, sending off my babies with hugs and plenty of kisses. damn missing them so much already. oh i went to sleep at about 5am...do the math...its now 12:30am into friday...again do the math lol.
so it seems mr bfran wants to play a lil prank on shelle. joe b calls me said there is an issue w/the car. crap. b finally calls. what's wrong?. he starts to tell me the stickers were expired on the car rented, they didn't have any other vehicle available, so we will be driving something much smaller. like how much smaller. shelle put to you this way...i had to take a bag back home just so you can fit. what da hell!!!!! i'm freaking out a lil. tell tarik and my dad. now dad is like oh lawd in a small car in that kind of weather. he is not playing w/ you is he? no, i said b doesn't do that. so how about this mofo pulls up in a fine ass PT cruiser. whew!! gets out the car strutting and laughing...haha GOT YA!! damn bootie head...yeah he got me. he was so convincing...and yeah, he is still talking about how he got me...proud of himself i see.
on the road...beautiful day once outside of austin area. spent most of the time spitting poetry back n forth, listening to fellow poets cd's, and some great music. just being silly and laughing...
here are a few interesting things we have already experienced or seen:
--between Mullin and Zephyr, saw a very inviting fruitstand with large sign stating: Self Serv
uh like for real? there was no one there...we should of stopped.
--saw our first Starbucks in Brownwood, i instantly said "Kim"
--lots of sheep around, even saw one solo llama hanging out and chilling in the field
--came across a cotton field...instantly thought of Love and cotton pickers. the fields went on and on and on...you couldn't help but think of our past, it was sobering.
--the trees up here are turning beautiful shades of gold and crimson...looks like Fall for real
--coming up on Sweetwater we spotted some wind powered energy towers...um, then like they were everywhere we looked. they are quite intimidating up close. beautiful in an eerie way.
--stopped at resteraunt for lunch recommended to B. walked in. place goes silent. everyone turns around. seriously. lady comes from back and says i'm so sorry we ran out of chicken. huh? we don't have anymore chicken left. uh that is all you serve? yes i'm sorry. i asked again to make sure. really that's all u serve? well yes plus the vegetables. oh i look at b and we head for the door. you could hear the scene continue inside once we walked outside. uh no ma'am.
--stopped at a quick fast food place...serving you guessed it CHICKEN!! but uh i believe there was some serious inbreeding going on with the wait staff. young girl asks "where ya'll from?"...was it obvious we weren't from there LOL
--saw our first tumbleweed....damn thing had the right away straight across the highway
--at least 65yr old white woman driving a black sports car with flames painted on the side....lol, one fast grandma
--tasted best damn apple pie, covered in caramel and pecans OMG!! sweet old lady said baby i will heat it up for you, then made us a fresh pot of coffee served in ceramic mugs..like stopping there again for sure...New Deal, Tx
--um No sir no sir (huh Ms J), a black lawn jockey in Hale Center, Tx next to guess what....yep huge field of COTTON.
--stopped in Amarillo to get a camera and find a spot to access the internet. asked man in Walgreens where we could find a spot? around here? no, this side of town is SORT OF DEPRESSED, you won't find that here. i literally cocked my head to the side...depressed? I knew what he meant...but damn.

we are now in Santa Rosa, New Mexico...had to dodge the blizzard up ahead. can't wait to hit the snow tomorrow in Denver....yeah baby we riding.
hey check out Bfran's version of our trip at www.bfranmybrotherskeeper.blogspot.com
love ya'll

God is Sooooo Good

and i am grateful for it allllllll:
-my first book of poetry is done
-my first cd is done
-my first set of business cards done
-to actually sell something that i created
-to receive a gift from an angel that i didn't expect...thank you
-everything falling into place
-knowing when to say no and knowing when to say yes
-loving him
-the way he loves me
-the way mother's love their children
-stolen kisses
-my dad's smile today
-speaking up for myself
-knowing some things or some people are better for me at arm's length
........
please send up prayers for Brian and I as we venture out into the unknown. He and i are traveling to colorado and new mexico to share our love of poetry with others. it seems mother nature might have something else in store for us...so please pray for traveling grace as well.
we both will be updating our blogs daily...so check back.
this will be some adventure LOL

Gratitude Wednesdays....okay its Thursday

--seeing tawanna shine even brighter when she saw her souljahs and fellow poets front and center
--being very pleased to see him, so unexpected...still feel like a school girl sometimes
--being inspired
--hugs from strangers when words touch them
--your soft face
--road trips
--peanut butter cookies
--love songs....not sex songs
--hugs from my children
--seeing my oldest babygirl...wish she would stay
--she is so much like me
--screaming at the voices to leave me alone lol
--ms josephine's creativity...and hard work
--knowing u like to play games with the mind, but u will never have mine
--neo neo neo neo neo neo neo SOUL!!
--eventhough your show was cancelled due to weather and mixups, still got to chat a bit.
--having a good time and exposing others to the world of spoken word who have never experienced it before...UT's Campus Fusion.
--whenever he wraps his hands around these double based hips
--safely crossing an entry ramp, high grass, and a frontage road to safety ON FOOT!
--car not getting towed to the unknown lol
--for mamas that didn't birth me, but call me friend.
--for acknowledging my fears and insecurities
--for late night calls to check on me
--for my bad ass boots
--for rain
--for cool days, cooler nights
--for long gratitude lists

i caught a glimpse of us today
you know
the way we were
back then
when life was hard
but u n i were oh so sweet
yeah back then
when we were happy
together
when we were satisfied
together
childish giggles escaped
at the sight of u
caught myself falling
in love
with u
with us
i welcomed the familiar feeling
like a cool spring day
like a warm cup ot tea
like
like
an old friend
and a smile flooded my heart.

What Am I Grateful For?

-flying almost 80mph on a jet ski, wanting to go even faster. hitting wakes and jumping at least 10ft in the air....YES!!
-the warm sun
-my brother being a bartender once, damn made some good drinks...came up with a new one "sex on a boat" lol
-my adventurous lil ones and their laughter
-playing the "i love u more" game with my son. he said i love you the mostest x infinity x2 + forever +forever + always x infinity/me + you x my heart.....i do believe he won!
-that i am a damn good cook
-for Angel's heart
-for the fact only 15 days away from the biggest road trip with my Big Brotha B!
-that things are falling into place...if i just relax
-for strong women poets like Inertia
-for Neo feeling like it use to
-for Spirit Groove and watching Ms. Jackson just shine
-true friendships...may have been a detour...but we found each other again.

where u been?
why r u here now?
empty corridors of this heart
echo with heavy footsteps of regret
silver tongues carve fault lines
too far within the epicenter
for repair
keloid scars rise to the occassion
leading me back to you
leaving freshly picked scabs behind
for black crows to find
even they do not want this poison
but i drink deeply
swallow frequently
with spoonfuls of your tainted sugar
thinking one day
my immune system
will build a resistance against you
flatline tendencies daily
pleasure in resurections
as you kiss me
hold me tight
my heart can't breathe
in the distance
just past the cloud on the left
there next to the melting rainbow
the faint sound of tomorrow
is crying.

A Day In Need...Indeed

-sunday night bowling, and how about ms taylor with a 130 and 2 strikes in a row!!
-yummy herbal teas
-the fact i love to try new things
-prayer
-text messages that make you laugh on a hard day
-laying outside, gazing at the stars
-the fact i still wish on shooting stars
-good herb...lol...while laying outside, gazing at the stars while still wishing on shooting stars
-my sense of humor
-seeing through others bs
-knowing its not in me to be cruel to others
-that i have a big forgiving heart (hmm a blessing or a curse?)
-that i don't like guns or own one lol
-again, my sense of humor!

PLEASE WATCH "FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS" TONIGHT, 7PM CENTRAL ON NBC. the pilot was shot earlier this year before they called my lil..HA..brother to join the cast, so he will be in the later shows. and i do believe David, the flow of our Eb, is also in this series. it seems to be the start of a really great series...plus its centered around football...who doesn't love that!!
Check it out!!

I apologize haven't posted much lately. haven't felt like being so public lately.
people judge me enough.
until then...