continued...

woke up this morning with you on my mind
actually you never left it
for dreams were filled with you too
filled so full
you overflowed into my heart
but then you didn't have a lot of room there either
seems you have claimed that space too
what is a girl to do with this perceived dilemma?
i stretch defeated arms wide
listening to the whispers of them bragging
about the last time they held you
lips tremble for the taste of you
soft skin searches for the last placed touched
and all the inbetweens your eyes sought after
resiliant thick skin seems to be thinning
or at least melting away from the memory of your gaze
"so beautiful" echoes sweetly across earlobes
nestles itself within loose curls for another day
when most needed to hear.
met by chance, i think not
you have always been there
i have always been here
we were just waiting for the fit
and we did
and we do
....so well
yet....
life sometimes doesn't match up with heart time
crossroads are not shortcuts
so seek wisely
careful not to fall upon def ears
paths can be less traveled
yet still carry outlines of footprints to fill.
emotions stir like the winds of change
tucked away in corners of deep pockets
amongst double headed copper pennies, dried crystal tears,
and forget-me-nots.
does it matter what the future holds
simply no....
for my heart...at this moment...will always be yours

2 Points of View...From One Point of View...Both With Love

one:
i am not strong enough to let these crumbling hands pick up the pieces of this failing existance
what could of been slips through fingers like lost time
winds of change blow dust into rose colored eyes
beauty sometimes acts as blinders
every blink to the past causes thorns to scratch away point of views
seems there is only yours my dear
point your lil finger you beautiful doll
shine for the world to see
foolish ownership
i claim my part
do you see yours...over the horizon of your martyrdom?
i walk the halls of this heart
not alone
competing with whispering ghosts and dancing skeletons
which scream for your attention
which you listen to intently
which we pay dearly
which is more than i can afford
eggshells cling to my boots
even hang loosely from my teeth
and with every i love you spoken
they are crushed into the perfect melody upon my tongue
reminding a soldier this is not his war...anymore
but still willing to die for the cause...
i wish i was enough for you...with no comparisons


two:
i am not strong enough to let these crumbling hands pick up the pieces of this failing existance
what could of been slips through fingers like lost time
winds of change blows dust across a hardened inheritance
his imprint is forensic evidence
every blink to the past cracks the mirror evenmore
ugly reflections peeping through childlike wantings
yelling at self "I AM A GOOD PERSON"
haunting echos crash against heart walls
displaced ownership
i don't want to see my part
i just want to be loved
please...
love me enough for the both of us
i walk the halls of this bruised heart
not alone
searching for whispering ghosts and dancing skeletons
their two-step comforts me
which gives me purpose
which directs my path
which i pay dearly daily
which i will never be able to afford
i am trying to get this right...
but self hate clings to the underside of my stilletoes
mixed with the muck i try to hide with uneven steps
reminding a fallen warrior this is her fight...her self fight
and i am worth it...
forgive my wicked tongue
forgive me for weaving deception into this love
forgive me for not forgiving me....

Ahh Yes...

--for The Creator and She and the many forces at work
--for the memories still lingering from madison
--for tighter circles
--for having some great days with you sir
--for u missing me...always a good thing
--for the power of words...the ones that come from the soul
--for hanging out with poets off the mic...not bad pool player
--for watching her grow into and finding herself...its beautiful as much as she is
--for the bond between us that is getting stronger...long car rides always good
--for being a part of her release....dolphins, bonfires, colored skies, heaven's gate, and family
--for momma wanting to be close to her support system and those that love you...we will always surround you with love and never forget
--for the younger ones who i think look up to me...an honor, and a task to be better
--for running into you oh so sweet everytime we meet...everything for a reason
--for birthdays...everyone a blessing
--for a great FUN night at Neosoul
--for a niiice getaway weekend starting today...and oh the music we will hear tomorrow will be phenomenal
--for the love and beauty of the women in my life...damn im blessed
--for my son entering highschool next week...he is growing up so fast and is so handsome....keeps me laughing
--for bittersweet feelings about them growing up...want them to always need me like i need them

no we didnt win our bout to make it to finals...but we still will be on the final stage doing a tribute for shannon...such an honor. we knew going in we didn't have much of a chance with the two ny teams...but it was okay...our bout is the one most came to and the fact we stood strong in our words...earned us so much respect among our peers. it was a beautiful touching night...we got up there standing strong and did what we came to do....be the poets of record...and we are the team folks are talking about.....i felt like i was on the final stage last night...our stage was sacred.

MAN!!!! i am grateful!!!!

--for the Creator & She giving us traveling grace and continuing to watch out for us.
--for this beautiful madison weather....had to wear something long sleeve...don't miss the texas heat AT ALL!!
--for one big azz family reunion, and meeting new family...poets are a different breed lol
--for the moments in between the battles
--for the denver slam nuba team...always showing so much love, and for their phenomenal body of work...i admire them so much as a team and as individuals
--for Phetote on the Killeen team who literally gave the shirt off of his back to a homeless man...and it was not a cheap shirt...wow
--for Canadian geese....reminds me of my birthplace just a few hundred miles away...yes i thought of going home lol...not sure if they would let me back into the us though lol
--for my team...my damn beloved team...even with the struggles...oh and there have been struggles...we love each other and got one another's back...no doubt...
--for coach...thank you for everything and every moment...even the tough ones...even the tough ones...all teaching moments...see you on the otherside
--for sitting in the top 5 in the nation right now!!!!! meaning we are going to the semi-finals tonight
--for the power of the words..."Go In"...and we do and we will and we will continue...it has been life changing indeed
--for allen from neo surprising us and flying in to see and support...unbelievable...
--for the unbelievable female power here...taking some of it back with me and giving it to the ones in my life
--for the strength of our beloved sheila...she herself is a warrior
--for all the love and support from folks here, and folks back home...love you
--for missing my family...i am glad i miss them...i am glad i miss him
--for jono being by fortress...he is truly a blessing in my life
--for this life
--for calling on my village
--for vulnerability...go in

Okay so i have missed a couple of days....

like wow...so i am going to go backwards....right now, we are sitting 5th in the nation, and yes we are going to the semifinals...God is good...and so is my team...we have worked our butts off and our damn coach is unbelievable...(love you funky mike, 13 definitely learned from the best...love you)her strategy has been right on...by the way we won our second bout doing ALL individual pieces...neo has never done that....okay so let me see if i can remember the highlights of the week lol...sorry but poets party like crazy...plus its one big family reunion.
let me go back to tonight real quick and say a few things about my teammies...we have never done the pieces like we did tonight...our saying this year is "Go In"..meaning capture the emotion of the piece, become the words not just a poet spitting a poem...it was so emotional to watch each one of us up on that stage "going in"...so emotional doing the pieces themselves...i couldnt stop crying when i got off stage. what we have been doing lately with this concept has been life changing for me...like coach said...there is no more excuse...everytime you go there...and you go deep.
okay...had a beautiful memorial service for our beloved shannon this morning...so moving. shiela is a warrior herself...of course since she had such a warrior daughter. i mean what else comes from a warrior womb, right?
by the way, one of our biggest supporters of neosoul and a really good poet himself...Allen, surprised us and showed up at our bout tonight...couldn't believe it...i mean really? he just wanted to come see us and check out the scene...lol, we hollered when we saw him just sitting there all non chalant. lol
allen thank you and thank you for all those sending well wishes and love our way...love each and everyone of you for it...don't stop please...we still have a fight to go.
its after 4am right now, still pumped and excited but feeling tired too all wrapped up into one.
i miss my family...felt funny not going to neosoul tonight too...hope all went well...
our family here is so beautiful, all walks of life...colors, creeds, hair lol...oh you should see the hair lol...
going to bed...will write again tomorrow

Day !

got up...well i never went to sleep...at the crack of dawn...airport by 5:30...liftoff 7:00...not too bad of a flight, some turbalance and minor rain storm, oh and jono sleeping like a rock on my shoulder and slobbering...all love lol.
we are so excited to be here, already some amazing experiences...first folks we see stepping off the plane in chicago...team slam nuba...symbolic indeed. drive the rest of the way to madison...i slept for an hour maybe...but very refreshed...this country up here is beautiful and oh so green...oh and if you think i miss that texas heat, you are out of your ever loving mind...today folks said it was hot, well the natives...it was only in the low 80's and all we texas folk could do was laugh...nah we will show you heat! pretty cool town, its different, but i understand why they call it the sister city of austin...some similarities...but er ah...you can tell the poets are in town lol.
saw htown crew and hung with them a bit, saw slam nuba exploring downtown like rockstars on scooters...hey do it big right!! ran into team hollywood...and yes they are the persona...hollywood lol but all love. last team was the best...but met by accident...no there are no accidents in life...everything for a reason...hung out at the main poet hotel...nothing really going on...too quiet...don't know how on earth they are going to handle what is about to descend on their stoic pristine hotel lol...team maui walked in...we didn't know who they were, but knew they were poets...you know we know our own kind lol. greeted us with much love...beautiful great spirits...the energy between us 5 clicked and meshed instantly. hung out with them for awhile and was blessed with some of their music and freestyles...which of course fay and jono joined. me? nah i just love to listen...they blessed my ears tremendously...
now just trying to figure out what we are going to do tonight in this town...things really don't get going until tomorrow...whatever it will be, ya know it is going down in madison. lol...nope not telling all we will do lol.
to be continued....

man i can't stop grinning

Wish Us Well...and for Safe Return

well...here we go...the team is leaving in less than 24 hours for Madison, Wisconsin for one of the biggest Slam Showdowns in the nation...perhaps the world. so looking forward to the reconnection, meeting new people and just staying in the beautiful moments of this life in poetry.
send out the good energy and prayers
kisses

Yeah Its About That Time...

--for He & She, always making sure i am taken care of, even when i don't see it
--for...again, i cannot say it enough...the beautifully different women in my life..teaching, guiding, loving...reciprocated
--for one helluva team...got my back, as i have theirs...gentle pushes, knocks ova the head...but always with love
--for one helluva week...car issues, house air conditioner went out for 2 days, realized 2 very sentimental rings of mine just disappeared, and the list goes on...but you know what? i know how blessed i still am, and how all of this has been quite amusing
--for you not wanting me to stress...there will never be enough words to tell you how much you mean to me
--for one helluva coach, sister, friend....nuff said
--for you needing your space...and granted...see you on the other side
--for 10 pounds gone!!! haha and counting
--for BELIEVING
--for an unbelievable upcoming week of hanging, loving, moments, slamming, poetry, friends, laughing, crying, acting a fool, camaraderie, cyphering...and the list goes on and on
--for knowing i need to step it up...i am the f'ing poet!!
--for my beautiful children
--for myself

Linger...

...stop rushing. just stop. sip the last drops of your tea instead of gulping them. finish your conversation before running to the next item on your calendar. pause and watch the woman who sings opera on the street, the woman who stir-fries the Chinese food, the young girl playing the violin as though she was born with it in her hand. look at the sky for just a bit longer before you get into your car. pick a leaf of mint or sage; before continuing on, rub it between your fingers and smell how delicious it smells. look into someone's eyes just a bit longer than you thought you could. linger over coffee, linger at the newsstand, linger over lunch. linger longer in bed, in the park, on the river. of course, linger longer at love.
--from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Snyder

its all about enjoying the moment, taking it all in...and thanking the Universe for allowing the experience...it really is just that simple.

Time Is flying it seems...Gratitude Is a Time To Slow Down

--for my cleansing release last night, totally unexpected...but sometimes prayers under the stars and an open heart will do this...thank you
--for "at this moment"...so precious
--for the girly tshirt from DC...lol...thank you sis
--for knowing everything is going to be alright
--for family...blood or otherwise
--for my brother and i talking it out...love him dearly...he always has my back, and i his
--for allll the beautiful women in my life, and the ones coming into it...i am so blessed...each so different...each such the same
--for missing my babies and the tall one lol...house was too quiet
--for literati...thank you cousin...thank you king....haahahahaha (evil laugh)
--for it slowly getting back to what we were...i like it
--for less than 2 weeks to the biggest poetic family reunion and rocking the stage once again with my teammies...yeah baby
--for the slow melting pleasure of dark chocolate
--for the human touch
--for being pulled in a direction He must think i am ready for
--for reconnections
--for patient love..no matter how stubborn you are
--for healing just a centimeter more
--for this life....im so undeserving...but you thought enough of me to allow me to exist...order my steps in the way i need to go

Another reason to be Grateful...

--for the Creator & She...thank you for allowing me to breathe another day
--for life...its too precious
--for the women in my life, and the bonds that are strengthening
--for knowing Shazza The Great...and her Beautifully strong mother Sheila...one does not have a child that wondrous, without a mother's guidance
--for the poets who have come together, trying to mend the wounds
--for the poets who rocked the sanctuary walls
--for peace of mind
--for speaking my mind for peace of mind
--for our team working hard at crunch time
--for allowing myself to become vulnerable...even for a moment
--for hellacious poetry house parties...none like em
--for the gathering in the back around the table
--for the youth...damn for the youth and their words...i mean wow
--for the way you look at me
--for the right music for every occasion...for every tear..for every laugh...for every smile
--for missing you
--for cleansing tears
--for stepping away...hurts like hell though
--for his giddiness...we all want this kind of happiness...and love
--for making it official soon
--for new friends
--for forgiveness
--for my children...for my children
--for the bond between i and the young souljah
--for laughs until the tears come...always a good thing
--for chill moments just listening to the wind in the trees...they speak you know

Just Breathe....

today we come together as one...honoring our fallen warrior...we will shake the walls of the sanctuary...cause the angels to tremble...You better take good care of her...

her journey continues...just not here

always the slight mona lisa smile
she knew the secrets we wanted to know
kept them in the upcurve of that grin
kept them behind the fire gracing her eyes
besides the words birthed from her mouth
it is her eyes and that smile i will remember the most
20 some odd years the earth was happy
for her feet walked fully upon it
seems heaven was jealous
and wanted her back
i don't fully understand
yes i am angry
mothers are not suppose to bury their own
not suppose to bury their only
forgive me for questioning You
but what right do you have...?!
i know we are selfish
but you must understand who shannon is...
for i will never say who she was...
go head queen
continue on your path
teach the angels why they must fly
kiss the sudanese children goodnight
mend the fences that were breaking
show us what it means to live
write on the hem of His garment
close the holes in His palms
make Him blush with the words "Fuck Me Human"
go head warrior
do your thing
we will be watching the skys
knowing every shooting star
is really you throwing your spear
thank you for allowing me to know you
but dammit
dammit
dammit!!!

Let....

let it be. just let it be and let go. let her have her way, then let go of it once and for all. let her have her way, then let a sleeping dog lie. let it be okay. let it be. let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with you. let up on the gas and let your mind wander. let yourself go. let your hair down; let it swing free and easy. let yourself have a break now and then will you? let yourself live again and love again. if someone has let you down, let it pass. let bygones be bygones. let the truth be known, now and forever. let the bells ring and the chimes chime.
--from 365 Words of Well-Being for Women by Rachel Snyder


and this has been part of the growth lately...just letting go...not letting folks walk over you or take advantage, but loving people where they are in their life at that time. not letting life get to me, especially the things i have no control over. to not hold grudges...to forgive others...more importantly to forgive myself.
just let it be and let go....peace

Haven't Listed In Awhile...But Still Always Grateful...

--for He & She always present, always blessings, always Grace
--for everday you get just a lil' better...hold on beautiful warrior
--for a great weekend and bonding even more with my team...crazy butts
--for being friends, and not just teammates...priceless
--for the inspiration and the fire put under our behinds and in our pens...WOW
--for you and the smile on my face you are responsible for...not ready for this
--for you trusting me...it will get better...but you are the one who must change sir
--for my new poet's bag all the way from across the seas...its hot!! my other bag is pissed at me for putting him away lol
--for knowing when to walk away...even for a moment
--for having the right music for every situation...why isn't this stuff played on the radiowaves?
--for you wanting to spoil me...thank you for appreciating me
--for vulnerability
--for the women in my life...never can say this one enough
--for the laughter of all 3 of my children in the same room...what else can i ask for
--for crazy text messages to make me laugh, cry, smile, and laugh again
--for remaining in the moments...its the lil things that count
--for 6 weeks to one of the best experiences we will have together

www.getwellshannon.com

write sister...
we are waiting
to feel the fire of your phoenix
the sun pales in comparison
to the fierceness piercing
from your warrior gaze
continue to write at His
at Her feet
oh the stories you will tell
when you return
please don't keep her too long
we still need her here
so write sister...
we are waiting

Leap....

close your eyes and step out over the edge. leave behind the baggage that will weigh you down. stretch farther than you beieved you could. gather your courage; you'll need it. let go of every one of those twenty-seven reasons why you can't do it. drop the concepts of failure, of success. just do it. know that you'll fly or you won't. the ground isn't that far away-and if you create a safety net before you go, someone will somehow break your fall. maybe falling is okay. you're not jumping off Mt. Kilimanjaro; you're simly testing your reach, bridging what seemed to be an impossible chasm. sell off your furniture and take a trip. cut up your credit cards. become houseless for a while. ask the children's father to take them for a month while you write or train or sing or sleep. ask again. move far away. leap.
--rachel snyder

right now...at this moment...this is where i am in my life...at the fork in the road...at the edge of the cliff...with toes gripping the edge and the wind calling my name.......

Lead...

if you were born to be a leader, lead! take the lead if it isn't given to you first. blaze the trail. usher in a new era. lead your people, lead your generation, lead us all into the promise of a new tomorrow. when the people lead, the leaders will follow. take the lead position and give others a target to aim for. lead the way to victory; lead the way to freedom. if it has always been hard for you to follow, now it's the time for you to lead. take one woman by the hand and lead her to a life of peace. lead her back to herself. if all the world's a stage, we need our leading ladies. and that means we need you now, more than ever, to lead.
--from 365 Words Of Well-Being For Women by Rachel Snyder

first, i must say a special hello and thank you to ms. snyder...if you haven't noticed she has been visiting and commenting on my blog. first time she responded i was like oh wow, then i was hoping she wasn't upset at me posting from her book lol.
i know so many of us have absorbed her words to heart, and some have even purchased this wonderful lil' book. both were my intentions for starting the posts. so thank you for stopping by...and i hope you guys will check her out on my list to the side.

second, the last few sentences of "Lead" are so important...start with taking one woman's hand and lead her back to herself or lead her out of a bad situation. i remember the ones who did this for me, and i will forever be grateful. i told myself a long time ago, i would always do the same for others...so one at a time, grab those hands, go back and get another...then another...and yet another...until the healing is done...and in turn we heal ourselves, don't you think?

Today of course..and everyday....

--for the Creator & She...always close, always love
--for one helluva team this year...the passion we have for the words...despite the game of slam
--for the beautiful women in my life, and the things we teach one another...and the hands clasped together
--for the smile on his face when he speaks of her
--for my magnificent children...thank you for allowing me to be your mommy
--for starry nights and listening...just listening
--for trusting me...for trusting you
--for the way you look at me and smile...but we know...we know it is not our time
--for music that makes me holla and be damn if i keep still
--for letting go, peeling off just a few more layers...now breathe
--for you slowly coming into your own lil panther...thank you for allowing me to witness the growth
--for rachel snyder visiting my blog lol with a good comment (check her out)
--for the people in my life...damn i am blessed
--for my creative hands
--for this life...tis good, tis good