conversation standing barefoot on 135 @ 1am

me: hi
officer: how r u?
me: fine
officer: i pulled u over because your registration has expired
me: yes sir
officer: may i see you dl, proof of registration, and insurance please
me: yes sir (shit im gone...handed him id, insurance, and registration)
officer: you don't have an license?
me: not anymore sir
officer: how old r u?
me: 37 sir
officer: you know better right?
me: yes sir i do
officer:hold on (walks to his car)
me: (crap i'm soooo gone)
officer: ma'am do u have shoes on?
me: no sir
officer:can u put them on?
(now i know im gone)
me: my shoes were killing me sir, do i have to put them back on
officer: thats up to u, please come back here with me
(i turn to put my phone down....female cop smiling at me from passenger side...where the hell did she come from?...her hand was on her gun...images of me getting my head blown off...images of others getting the same fate)
officer: have u been drinking tonite?
me: yes sir
officer: how many?
me: one drink sir.........(YEAH RIGHT)
officer: have u had any illicit drugs tonite?
me: no sir........(YEAH RIGHT)
officer: then u wouldn't mind if i have my dog come and search your car
me: no sir not at all(trying not to flinch, calling his bluff.....there really was no dog)
officer: where r u coming from?
me: antonios
officer: u wk there?
me: no sir, i am a poet...we have an open mic every wednesday (crap just told him how to find me....wondering if i should invite him to the showcase on sat?)
officer: you know if i really want to push the issue i would say that tag on your window is illegal
me: the green one sir?
me: yes sir, you would be right
officer: thank u for your honesty (then proceeds to issue me 4 citations)
officer: please take care of these before next month okay
me: i will sir, thank u
officer: have a good night ma'am
me: the same to u sir
crap crap crap double crap
so honesty is the best policy
anybody got a money tree i can have?

i can't find the words

i have been in a writing funk lately. bits and pieces come to me, nothing ever completed. though in a funk, i feel something brewing just below the surface...like watching a pot boil on simmer. my fellow poet and friend, who i also claim my big brotha b has been such an inspiration for me. he is one of the few people in my life that require nothing of me but to just 'be'. so we got together last night for a one on one writing lab. did some good...the piece he is working on is phenomenal...and i hope he shares it soon w/the rest of us. we gave one another subjects and words to use -so here it goes-in progress of course:
Open notebook
pages before me-empty
empty like a mother's arms awaiting her firt born
who will never return from war
the silence of my mind
of my own pen
is deafening
i cant find the words

nouns, verbs, metaphors and similies
play hide and seek within the corners of my mind
and i'm always it
laid out
stretched too thin
i torment myself
with this game of cat and mouse
only to be trapped inside a cage with no bars
a life sentence
i plead for clemency
even parole will do

at night i pray to the poet gods for clarity
lay sacrifices of cannibus at their feet
they tease me in my sleep
speak to me in whispers and ironies
with promises of tomorrow you will write
only to allude one more time come mornng light
i feel like i'm failing fast
feriously fighting for a poet's faith
only to freefall thru my own mind
like alice in wonder land

doubt feels these pages
i know what it is to be blind
for i see nothing
i just cant find the words
abandoned by my own or was it mutiny?
for stagnancy and mediocracy have taken over
like a virus invading the thought process only to process nothing
i need an injection to cure this viral infection of writer's block

i want to become my own surgeon
extract my brain
dissect my memories
let the past and present spill onto this paper
take my heart out
give it a beat
a cadence
extract my soul
give it life
amputate my hands
so it will grab you and pull you in
sever my veins
let the blood fll my pen
recreate who it is i am
was
or yet to be
....................................not finished

Observing thru the haze w/in my mind

wedneday night i did not partake in the feast of the-as usual-hot azz mic. several reasons as to why. it was quite an interesting experience just merely watching. i had to leave my seat and stand against the wall to really take it all in. People never fail to amaze me....and poets, well we are in a league of our own. i saw perfection ats its peak, saw some who just needed to be heard, saw weights lifted and burdens shifted. i saw the timid hide what they dare not read, of you i say comeback please.i saw how some crave the mic, for it is the only place they are able to be heard. i saw smiles, grimaces, rolling of the eyes, and tears fall. i saw myself then, now, and where i want to be, in all of these faces. i am coming to yet another crossroad in my life. strange feeling, like traveling on a path made but no stones unturned yet, the setting sun at your back and the moon is your only source of light. bring a light jacket, winds of change are coming.
i feel her screaming at me w/in the lining of my soul. she is tired of my own mediocracy, has always expected more of me...yet i always let myself down. she has words dying to be heard, but will i die before they are heard?
i feel her fire burning, but i keep water by my pen....why?
pray for the poet god's to sacrifice my soul for her freedom...for her words to be heard.

sunshine, fuzzy slippers, and laughter til it hurts

So it was moving day for me again. Bitter sweet. Left a place i love, left a friend i will miss hanging out w/in the kitchen or across the pool table. Will miss an amazing young man (always will be auntie)and a beautiful lil girl who says "Hi shelle" with the utmost enthusiasm. I didn't plan on asking anyone to help, i don't do very well in that particular dept. But a ray of sunshine refused to listen to my solo move and came anyway. Thank God! I don't know what i would of done w/o Sarah. She came down thurs. night.late night snacks along w/ late night smokey smoke. Watched the most amazing light show take place among the clouds in a jet black night sky. Reminded me of the scene in Close Encounters, when the mother ship was behind the clouds. Hmm i wonder. Anyway, tried to watch a dvd. I fell asleep, and of course started the most annoying habit-snoring. damn i hate that about myself. where are those dang nose strips! Woke up early friday. rushed across town to take my son to 6th grade orientation. bittersweet as well. i realize i have no more babies in elementary. growing up so fast, and i still want to hold on and scream slow down dammit!! my fraile lil man looks so helpless to me among these giants in middle school. but of course that is from a mother's perspective.he keeps smiling, and i keep hugging, w/ a solitary tear waiting to fall and a huge lump in my throat....
now off to pick up my keys!!
I don't know who is more excited, myself or sarah. her enthusiasm is infectious. hence i call her "my sunshine." We take a quick peek at my new spot. YES!! give each other high 5 and do the happy dance.So we load up. let me tell you this sistah can move some shiznit!!what i didn't pack in boxes. she threw in heavy steel garbage bags, and i mean threw it in there. coming down the stairs looking like a red faced santa clause with sacks slung over her shoulder!Sarah's Moving Service-real cheap/real fast!!
We did it though. did it through much sweat. who in the hell said i wanted 2nd floor-oh yeah that would be me. we laid out on the floor among a smokey haze.smile.took a shower.no not together, what the hell were YOU thinking, huh?
got dressed, 'cause it was time to grub. headed over to cheddar's and ate up some stuff. they have the most amazing onion rings. still haven't tried my girl 13's favorite-Monte Cristo, but i will get around to it. damn waitress was irritating the hell out of sarah, but she left her a tip anyway.
hit up wally-world, cause when i say i'm starting over...believe me I'm starting over. it is amazing just the basics you need, forget the frills...find me a damn pot and a plate to eat off of. okay so we got one frill--matching outrageous furry rainbow slippers!!! which we wore playing Catch Phrase, and even did a jig...cause i was happy.
there is nothing like gut hurting,face turning red,tear flowing-laughter w/ a girlfriend. oh yeah w/matching outrageous furry rainbow slippers too, no doubt.
we passed out around 1am.
like i said, i'm glad she came up and helped out...otherwise i would still be moving. side bar-13 forgive me for not letting u know, thought i had told u i was moving, i know u would of helped if i had asked, my bad...still love me?
so now i'm here in my new spot. a continuation of this fabulous journey i call my life.seems steps are finally going up and forward, rather than down and backwards for a change.
Sunshine always has a way of saying the best affirmations to me. Her spirit and heart is of gold, and i will say thanks my melanin challenged sistah for everything you are, and everything you mean to me.xxoo
Sunshine stretched out her arms and said "I see much growth happening w/in these walls for you."
i smile like the angels had just whispered in my ears.
yep, i think so too....i think so too.

To Be Still

There is always an inner voice whispering to us, even within this madness of loudness we call life. I am learning to become still again. Learning to be quiet and listen again. I have been so loud w/in myself and outside myself, that the screams of life is the only way "She" has gotten my attention lately. Basically, sending me to my corner until i "get it"....my time out. Brandy reminded me of what i was and still am...a listener and an observer. I too, find myself talking way too much than i should lately. My words, to some, seem to get misunderstood, judged and misdirected...forgive me, for my heart means no harm. I make others laugh to keep myself from crying. Life asks a lot from me, but now its time for me to ask a lot from life. Even in my new found remembered silence. Its okay to be quiet, to be still. Perhaps we keep busy so we don't have to deal w/ "us", or to find out who we really are. Less verbal from me does not mean knowing less of me. My silence and my observational presence speaks volumes, just take the time to actually see me and you will hear me. Read me like the next best seller.
I love to hear people talk about themselves, but i often listen for what they DON'T say. I can FEEL people when I am around them. See what they hide. I remember as a lil girl, my daddy would bring me around his friends and often ask me what do i feel about them. He would always listen to me when i felt people didn't have my daddy's best interest at heart, or were just not right. I need to get back to this place w/in myself, for people always will show u who they really are...even thru faulty smiles and hugs.So don't think i am withdrawing, on the contrary, i am really plugging into my life. Yes, silence makes people uncomfortable, but it really is okay. Right now, it is what i need and what i crave. To find the lil girl in this woman of two, so she can teach me again the ways of before. To teach me simply the beauty of me.

Transgressions

he writes from his very soul
passion from his veins
throbs into his brain
until it cannot be contained
metaphors and similes bow down to his command
as long slender fingers write
what a broken soul tucks away
the pen finds it
redefines it
and pulls it thru
sometimes the words burn holes in the paper
'cause the devil knows he is losing this soul
So he tries another way to keep a hold
Give him the mic, and make it powerful
Give him a name "without mercy"
Give him this aphrodisiac he and they
cannot resist
Don't give him clarity
Give them and he superficiality
for the moment
in the meantime
Keep his head clouded
Keep his blood intoxicated
Direct him from his path
From his destiny
An angel's tears,like shattered glass
etch lines of forgiveness down her face
she screams thru muted whisphers
and the gates of hell fall open
releasing his transgressions upon the back of an angel's torn wing
Amen

Academic but Inspiring

I know, I know some may say it is futile or so academic, but i find or poet writing labs inspirational. I love words as well...don't most poets. I mean we give life to otherwise mundane words. Make the ordinary into extraordinary. Make new definitions and bend the rules.
writing exercise:given a subject/given letters/pick words w/group/then given 20min to write using these words
My subject: Jazz & Life
words: everlasting/euphoria
acoustic/ascension
creative/conception
ovulate/original
I sit back and reminisce
as far back as before
before when life was as melodious as a child's laughter
playing on front porches
innocent in its simplicity
everlasting soulful beats ovulate
as the conception of this being comes into existance
an original score
written among smokey rooms and back alleys
storms brewing
i close my eyes
feeling the rain drum against my skin
each raindrop falls where it is suppose to hit
a beat
a cadence
creative order written
as soothing but still haunting as Thelonious and Miles
creating a euphoria of song and dance
that only thru my ascension in life
do i understand its rhythm

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/seducerquiz/">What Is Your Seduction Style?

Were You Sober?

This was the question a friend recently asked me, peeking down the back of my shirt as she viewed my very freshly inked tattoo. "Very much so," I replied. I wouldn't have it any other way. Last thursday i spent over 4 hours at a local tattoo shop, 31/2 of those spent under the mercy of the gun. I have 3 other tats, so one more was just routine...at least I thought. I don't like avg. "what everybody else has" tattoos, because i am not ordinary and i don't follow the day to day grind...though outward appearances can fool you. My first tat over 9 years ago...a naked woman riding a crescent moon...symbolizes my sexuality and the beauty w/in. My second...a serpent dragon...symbolizes my dark side. My third flows down the back of my neck...my errogenous zone...need i say more(damn is that how u spell it, too lazy right now to check). So now i have this beautiful full figured...like me...sillouette of a woman w/butterfly wings gliding across my back. Like I said previously, i thought it was routine...but soon proved wrong for several reasons. She is a work in progress, just like I am. Her wings are not done...and I guess mine are not either. Still waiting for the perfect color combination, just the right light, and the exact moment when she can truly fly. The pain endured creating her was almost unbearable, but it was something i needed to "feel" to match the internal pain i am experiencing now in my life. I brought it out through the ink and the droplets of blood escaping my pores. So now I am awaiting the healing process of the tattoo and of me. I eagerly await for her flight, as she goes through the metamorphosis of coming into being. I guess I could and am talking about her and I.
So was I sober? "Yes" again i whisper....I wouldn't have it any other way.

Therapy In The Form Of A Pen

So the 2 males retreat to a corner to decide the ensuing fate of us all in the form of a writing assignment. One subject...4 letters, 2 word choices each decided by others at random...or was it? I don't believe in accidents or coincidence, cause all my life fate has knocked heavy on this girl's door. We get our papers, one by one retreating to spaces to think-to write. My eyes cast down as my head hung low...fate once again enticing me to reveal more of me..."i dare u it whispers".
I retreat upstairs into a dark corner, where as usual i am most comfortable. 20 minutes was too long it seemed, for the words came quick. As I looked at my subject scrawled across the top of torn notebook paper, the words flooded my mind. "Why I Cry.?" I add a period and a question mark, both a valid statement and a valid question. I can't do this. Yes u can. Too damn revealing. You are among friends. You are among love. So once again the flow continues, not to be stopped by the barrier called me. I am satisfied with what is written. A sigh escapes my lips. Escapes my heart. Escapes my soul. I return myself downstairs trying not too look into eyes of Me. Will he understand? He cannot look into eyes of He...yes he understands. He plays with thick tresses and writes on skin, as i play with fallen angels and pick at the piles on the carpet.
Why do I?
Why do I.
I do because I cry

Not By Blood

Its an early Sunday afternoon, but not the usual beautiful sunny Sundays we have had lately. In fact, the thunder and rain have been relentless(no pun intended). Nothing can dampen my spirits today for several reasons. One its Mother's Day, and yes I am a mother of 3. Though the 3 may not live w/me, I am their mother and they are my babies none the less. I am eagerly awaiting for them now, since they are "taking Mom out to dinner", of course by way of Dad aka the tab picker upper. Three, my mother called me this morning. Not a big deal for some, but for me a relief. I have not spoken to her since January, soon before I moved out of my "comfortable existance"...notice the word existance, 'cause it was not "living." So to hear her voice was beautiful to me...i miss my mommy, even at 37.
Fourth, the time i had last night with the girls. A tossed around idea of having a girl's night out, came into fruitation with "girl's night in", and it was wonderful. Not everyone could make it, but I believe everyone who was suppose to be there -was. Still, I cannot wait for the next one. We ate until we could no more. Tequila lime wings, mini quiches, queso, chips, stuffed jalapenos, cookies, candy, chocolate covered strawberries....who in the hell said anything about a diet...still trying to rearrange things in the fridge. We drank margaritas until the damn bucket was empty, yes I said bucket. The drinks by the end of the night became laced w/ vodka soaked pineapples (thank u Erica). Move over cherries, there is a new kid in town.I am sure they will be seen again in many repeat performances at any upcoming parties or get togethers. We played games and asked "what if" questions, causing us to laugh so damn hard until faces turned red and some of us got close to peeing in our pants. Whew some of those questions got a lil interesting to say the least. Around 5 this morning we all finally laid it down, or pretty much passed the hell out. I found myself looking at these beautiful women, wondering how did i get so damn lucky to be in their presence. Each one of us very different...each one from different backgrounds...each one so unique and beautiful...yet still the fact remains how quite the same we all actually are really.
Myself, Jo, Dora, Taneka, Sarah, and Brandy. All women. A Sisterhood forming. Bonding new relationships and deepening old ones. All created through good food, good drink, laughter, and good company...oh yeah, and vodka pineapples. We may not be sisters by blood, but sometimes the Universe blesses us with the sisters we need along the way.
Happy Mother's Day

"Promise Me" she said

Her son-in-law gone unexpectedly, gone too soon, a life unfulfilled. Her daughter, pain so unbearable, she is now under dr's care. A mother, through paused whispers, "I don't think she will ever be the same again." A routine phone call, became a source of hope. She pleaded..."promise me you will enjoy your life, live everyday to the fullest, enjoy everyday, and live out your dreams." Did she know me? How did she know? Through tear filled eyes, i did promise her i would...she said "thankyou." Did I make as much a difference in her life in that 5min conversation, as she did mine? I will never know. She will never know. But the words "promise me"....will be a welcomed haunting for the rest of my days. A stranger. hundreds of miles away. across a phone line. her rope to me. she didn't even know how her pain became my blessing.
So it continues, with YOU the reader....."PROMISE ME"

I Need A Rope Can U Throw Me One?

I have come to believe i just might possibly be insane, yet in the depth of my white rubber room, lies my saneness. Recently coming out of my Blue Funkness....by the way why can't I call it Purple? Anyway, during my purple funkness i realized i possibly could of found the easiest way out, everynight He would whisper how easy it would be, crawling into bed with me...but thank God there is a waiting period, plus i probably wouldn't of been approved...you know i got that "thing" on my record. In times when u think u r alone, and u r in the depth of your own madness, sometimes your salvation comes in the form of a friend or two you see everyday, or dammit even a text message. So the laughter and the true smile has returned, and purple is quite beautiful if u truly value the depth of its meaning.
I love the 3 of u
and thanku