My Brother

i have a half brother, well let me rephrase that...
i have an older brother
the branches of our tree may have crossed,
but we still are of the same fruit
so, my big brother loves vw beetles
ever since he was a kid he had a fascination for them
it started with just one
saved his money to buy one old and beat up, broken down bug
took it apart piece by piece, seeing what made it tick
what was wrong with it
then would put it back together again
always better than before
soon the garage would spill over with his tinkering
parts everywhere
but somehow always knew where they went and to what car
he constantly came up with grand ideas for winning contests and making money
he loved building rockets and just being the bad boy
i don't know if it was out of rebellion or out of pain
at the age of 3, he had to relearn names
grandmother was now mommy
mommy was now sister
and i was now neice, though i wasn't born yet
he learned quickly what deception meant
even at the tender age of 3
when he should of felt unconditional love
bitterness and anger painted his lil boy room in the perfect shade of blue
he quickly became my favorite uncle
showed me fascinating things
taught me how to play secret games in the basement
he never played them though when grandma was around
he wasn't a bad kid
just disconnected, missing parts like his cars
alcohol and drugs became the lubricant
but no matter how many times he pulled himself apart
he could never put all the pieces back together
better
and it didn't matter how much money he made
he could never afford his own self worth
its been awhile since we've talked to one another
cards are sent with i love you's and pictures
showing just how much life keeps going
whether you choose to live it or not
the last time i saw him was a few years ago,
the pain still lingering just behind his eyes
he constantly ran his fingers thru his hair
as if trying to brush the past away
we never spoke of basement games out loud
we clasped hands like his was a lock and mine were the key
'forgive me' hung tightly to his lashes
soft blinks pryed them free
each word fell gently into our lock and key
we rolled the yesterdays up with some weed
looked at the stars
pondering the meaning of it all
and smoked it away
even if it was temporary
several times he has tried to reconnect with our mother

he has heard the rooster crow much too often

as she wears the skin of Judus in the lining of her coat
to shield her from the bitterly cold Canadian winds
the umbilicus has been severed
i understand now why he seemed so angry
why he loved and hated me all at once
i got to go home with his mommy
and she never looked back
because if she had
she would have had to face her reflection in those beautiful angry eyes of his
and she would of seen herself splinter into a million shards of regret
but he would of scooped every piece in his hands
ignoring the pain piercing his flesh
would of spent hours trying to put her back together again
this time better
this time holding his hand too

Today

today i hate him
hate these 4 walls
closing in
hate it all
hate myself for believing in love
hate i wear rose colored sunglasses even on cloudy days
far too long
for far too many people
hate i came thru doors too soon
when i hadn't closed the others behind me
hate he is safe
death still comes
just more slowly
more painful
hate routine
hate going thru the motions
to hide true emotions
for them
mothers must make great sacrifices
wish mine had
so is she still my mother?
bored with this life
hate he never stimulates my mind
nor my body
today i just want to stay hidden
under green leaves
and hibiscus petals
fold these wings
that are still too wet
too delicate
retreat into a cocoon much too small for me now
i pray tomorrow i will catch a breeze

i often wonder when the connection was broken. when did the we become me without u? at what second did my smile not bring one to yours? when did the tears stop falling down my face only to start my soul to weeping? but its easier on the inside, for the world does not get to witness my demise...at least thats what i tell myself. dreams of tomorrows are now nightmares of yesterdays. yet you still haunt them both. our babies weep for they now realize they will never exist, but my empty womb still craves for them to sleep there. we walked a different path together, would of taken over the world...well, at least our lil heaven we created. yes, sigh, the one created between the darkness of your eyes and the encircle of my arms. hell creeped out the bag one day. thought i had thrown it away, or at least locked it tight. it took over our lil heaven, darkened it full of pain and misunderstandings. the sun seperated from the moon. universe hung its head in shame. venus sobbed. love still happens now, with or without me. i have a choice. was that a question or statement? not sure. when did it happen though? perhaps we stop believing in love, or maybe u just stopped believing in me.

Have It Your Way????

So, i'm flipping thru Ebony and i come across 2 ad campaigns that truly disturbed me: Burger King new one....Pardon our French but DAAAMN! advertising the new french toast sandwich. Like are you serious, for real?? Then Hennessy has an ad with Marvin Gaye's picture with the caption...never blend in.....are these ads in any other mags? i would be curious to know.

Finally watched aeonflux last night...interesting concept, not too far from the truth either....dealing with cloning and never truly dying...but this was the best line: we have to die , otherwise our LIFE will never matter.

Pride Or Prejudice?

My daughter was honored for outstanding academics today. I am so proud of her. The best of the best are called Grizzly Pride at her school, nominated each year by a teacher. This is her second year receiving this honor. again i am so proud. Unfortunately, the teacher her nominated her had been absent all last week, and was not there today either. So Taylor asked if she could have her picture taken with her parents, minus the teacher. A few teachers standing around, asked if any of her other teachers were present. Taylor said yes, and named a couple. One teacher said, "Oh I know, let me get Ms. Johnson to take a picture with you." I'm thinking who is Ms. Johnson, and of course this teacher brings back with her in tow....the only black woman in the room....the only black woman in the school. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Johnson is a very sweet and beautiful woman, and Taylor likes her as well. My question is, even after pointing other teachers out, why would she run to get this particular woman, who Taylor does not know? I shouldn't say particular, because like i said she was it as far as color goes in this school. Oh, and my beautiful daughter was the only black student nominated last year...just like this year. Sooooo am i just being overly sensitive to think she possibly could be a "token" child. I don't want to take away from her outstanding achievement in anyway, because she did outright earn this honor....but i'm just saying!!

i use to sit in grandmother's beauty shop window
watching the colorful life outside
watching her fingers smooth away the blues
greasing scalps and creating Sunday's best on Saturdays
waiting for my turn in her queenly chair
always time for just one more
always time for me
she would take down pigtails and ribbons
to ease my own blues away
braid my long locks, or simpy redo pigtails and ribbons
spin me around and kiss me
sometimes she would let me walk 2 blocks down to the corner liquor store for a bag of rock candy and a soda, as she watched from the doorway of my sanctuary.
i'd walk out into the world i watched so curiously from her window, loving the lil bit of independence, even under several watchful eyes.
cause here on this street, in this time...everyone knew your name
or at least they knew i was Mrs. Jewel's grandbaby.
i would walk 2 blocks in my red buster browns, past bluesy tunes, the smell of bbq, and struts of pimps and cadillacs a block long
times were simple and times were good then...
i've grown up now, moved away a long time ago
returned to find a life i once cherished, had been abandoned
no bluesy tunes, no smell of smokehouses, the liquor store is still there
but they don't sell rock candy anymore
and no one knows my name...
life is different here, life is complicated here
black owned business have been phased out unable to afford the rent or skyrocketing property taxes
homes and buildings replaced with red brick condos
down home food replaced with upscale that won't fill you up
lots of big names i see, but i miss the small ones
streets are clean, too clean
the "in" place to live from what i understand...
for me it always was, now you couldn't pay me to live here
for the streets are dead, the life is gone
no one here walks like music is playing in their head
no one here looks you in the eye
this street no longer has a heartbeat
i laugh seeing someone has sprayed "there goes the neighborhood "
on the front of one of the red brick buildings with all its fancy windows
just so happens to be the spot where Grandmother's beauty shop stood...i smile thinking maybe, just maybe, it was her doing.
I feel insides scream, angry what this city has done
pushing a community even further back, or should i say, yet another annihilation
i still hear it though, each time i pass that way...
on breezes mostly, returning from far away
echos of a world rich in life and soul
seen through a little girl's eyes
watching through Grandmother's beauty shop window.

Are You Up To The Challenge?

So Amanda Johnson came by Neo last night. told us how she and some of her fellow poets were challenging one another during this week of AIPF, to write a poem a day...so now i am extending this challenge to my fellow poets as well. Don't make me call you out!! Just write, anything--even a haiku, and post it on your blog....
here goes....

right now,
at this moment,
either bring me from the other side
or take me back there ...
with you.
i want you,
simply
to invade every inch of me
until total surrender
determines sexuality.
freefall thru fantasies
make taboos blush
rewrite karma
create new sutras
leave clothes on
bring new meaning to foreplay
make 365...just that
numbered days
because i am sure we will find at least 50 more new ways
let this bed be the last place we lay
and then only for sleep
i want you and i to get so deep
our dna merges
cellular exploration
leading to we...
as one.
tips of tongues
annointed with sweetness
drink in so slowly
passion's nectar flowing
corners of lips licking
savoring
yearning
begging
reciprocation
wicked smiles greeting hungry eyes
laughing
between deep sighs and low moans
pulling me from the other side
or is it ...
you have taken me back there...
with you?

Subliminal Tag

5 MINUTES WITH MICHELLE, AND SOMETIMES DESIREE WILL INTERJECT...
If money didn't matter what would you do with your life? i must say i would be a lifetime student as well, hitting mainly historical black colleges, giving away tons of full 4yr scholarships to those in need. Open an art gallery, travel the globe, not just for pleasure but to learn from other groups of people. Live in a different country every 6months. build irrigation systems in deserts of africa. throw amazing parties for my poets!!

What's the biggest misconception about you? that i always have it together, always happy and upbeat. i am easy going, but a lot of times, my world can be falling apart around me, and i won't show it...always smiling.

Beauty or Brains? of course brains, beauty always fades...but stimulate my mind!!I say give me both!but as she says, stimulating my mind will give me the strongest orgasm...

What is your weapon of choice? like 13 said, WORDS! Words and Sex for me!!Love the control!

Who was your first celebrity crush? Had it bad, still do for Prince!!

What's your family's nickname for you? most call me shelle, my sweetie calls me desi.

What's your most embarrassing guilty pleasure? hmm i just can't say. haha its even too damn much for me LOL!!

What's the last book you've read? The Dancing Mind by Toni Morrison

Name one thing that scares you? Leaving this earthly plane too soon.

What's the biggest mistake you've made? Letting insecurities and baggage get in the way of new love.

Who would you cast to play you in a movie about you? Persia, the actress that plays Lynn on Girlfriends.

If you ran for president of United States, who would be your running mate? Oprah
Who is your favorite TV mom? Florida Evans from Goodtimes. Damn!Damn!Damn!

What's the fastest way to pick a fight with you? Mess with my kids! Fuck with my shelle!

If you could tell one person to shut up, who would it be? George Bush and his whole damn crew!!

Who would you die for? My kids, and a select few very close to my heart.

Name one celebrity whom you would never procreate with under any circumstance? Lil john!! WWHHAT!! YYYEEAH!

It would be an honor if some said my writing/poetry reminded them of_____? Sylvia Plath, Toni morrison, or Giovanni. Zane

Name one sex act you would never perform if you were the opposite sex? that golden shower shit is for birds!! Sorry, i would be doing every mofo thing!!

Would you ever pose for playgirl/playboy? Hell No! Hell Yes!!

When was the last time you cried? Sunday

What's the greatest personal tragedy you've experienced? Losing my paternal Grandmother...thinking i would always have enough time.

Complete this sentence: by this time next year________ i will have my cd out, and working on book # 2. (hoping book #1 will be done by mid/end summertime)
that was fun...who is up next?

flipping thru past pages
i caught a glimpse of u
so unexpected
i drew the surrounding air in quickly
felt different rhythms in heartbeats
once synchronized
i wasn't ready...

To Live By...

When people speak badly of you, you should respond in this way: keep a steady heart and don't reply with harsh words. Practicing letting go of resentment and accepting that the other's hostility is the spur to your understanding. Be kind, adopt a generous standpoint, treat your enemy as a friend, and suffuse all your world with affectionate thoughts, far-reaching and widepread, limitless and free from hate.
In this state you should try to remain.

---Dhammapada

Lunatical Ramblings Again...

did i say "lunatical"...not sure if a word, but you know poet's will make up some words.

an elderly woman in cali, received a ticket for WALKING too slow across a street. yes i said WALKING TOO SLOW....like are u serious? she should of knocked the police over the head with her purse...at least the ticket would of been worth it then!

i was tagged recently, but sorry i can't do the hiphop list. i'm not much of a hiphop head, and ashamed i don't know most of the ones listed. though sarah is schooling me. lol. i am a lil older than others in my circle, and i grew up more in the r&b/smooth sounds of motown and funk...like maze, marvin, rick james, kool & the gang, gap band, parliment, isley brothers yeah baby. swaying my body now just thinking about it.

kids are gone for the weekend. means we can run around naked and holler and scream while having mad passionate sex!!
SSSSHHHHYYYYTTTTT!!forgot my father is in the other room!

Dear God, its me shelle, could you please find my dad a job that actually pays him about every 2 weeks, instead of chasing get rich schemes. cause he ain't getting richer, and he needs his OWN place. its a lil weird having sex knowing your dad could hear you. i would really appreciate it. oh yeah, God, thank you for all the many blessings you have already bestowed on me.

never understand poets who pout or get pissed when they don't come out on top during slams. they immediately leave the building or go sit in a corner. i understand being disappointed and hurt. but you just never know what factors are against you. never know what the judges think or who they are. maybe you are just not that good against your opponent, whatever the reason. so why get upset really?
i have been to enough slams and my eyes have been opened to alot. i see the poets who are in it for the glory, for the praises and hugs afterwards.
i see the ones WHO DO NOT WRITE FOR THE PASSION OF POETRY, BUT ONLY FOR THE STATUS SEEKING OF SLAMMING. and it saddens me. i understand now why a fellow poet recently warned me about what she calls the SLAM MONSTER, he will eat you up and take away all that is good inside of you.
you can't win them all, its okay if you don't. but learn from it. still respect the other poets by listening to them and talking to them.
maybe if you listen, you will be inspired to write something ....different.

hmm, guess that lil thought could of been a whole other blog entry.

i miss my kids, and if they don't get back soon, the only thing left in their easter baskets will be a one stuffed bunny and a whole lot of yellow and green grass!
that time of the month for me (sorry guys tmi, i know)and chocolate is not safe around me whatsoever.
computer desk is covered with mulicolored silver wrappings right now!!

I'm so pathetic!!

Because She Will Not Be Forgotten...

roses
always die, trying to live within shadows of fear and darkness.
this form of love?
burns like acid, tears and eats away at the thin fleshiness of her fragile soul.
manifestation of a pretty boy---this time .
plot of the story remains the same
accussations
demands
fists
tears and kisses
a language spoken too fluently, she knows too damn well.
red roses, with thorns, he gives her daily...
roses as red as the imprints he leaves behind on fair skin
paints pictures across her canvas like a master artisan
and when he is done...steps back to admire his work
leaving her crumpled in the corner
kisses her forehead, hands her red roses
to this day, she still can't stand the sight of them
or the smell of them
so roses will never grow in her garden anymore
his murderous intent intentionally keeping her alive
the thrill in the pseudo kill,
the sick pleasure in the resurrection
even God, he said, couldn't have her
so she sleeps between deceitful sheets in the devil's lair
secret prayers hidden under pillows
afraid of the light once attracting him,
seeing an inner beauty he could not possess...he hated her.
picked her out of a store front window
only to become damaged goods,
unable to be returned
no longer in original packaging...
and just a lil' too used.
sweet poison of promises, "I won't do it again"
lingers on bruised lips like wine colored lipstick
intruding tongue leaves strange numbness on her breath
whispers of "i love you" puncture eardrums
as he holds her much too tightly
bludgeoning her temple with each calculated stroke of manhood
pleasure entangled with control
until his diseased essence fills her womb
chromosome x--chromosome y
she too a pushed angel among demons
she too a casuality of his love
never to see the light of day, never a first breath
never a smile, plenty of tears
broken heart, wings clipped, unable to thrive in turbulent waters
if only, just maybe...
could she of...? what if she...? perhaps if she...?
cleaned a lil' more, cooked a lil' better, became more like his hoar...
didn't smile too much, wasn't so friendly with others
was more like his father, less like his mother...what if?
holding her now empty womb, tears ascend the heavens
she pleads, "will you forgive me?
forgive me for not protecting you?
for not leaving roses on your grave?
because i just can't stand the sight of them
or the smell of them
and roses will never grow in my garden anymore
for you, babygirl, never had the chance to play there."

Frustrated and Pissed

Why is it necessary to have 10 cops on horseback at every street intersection?
why is it necessary to have cops on rooftops canvasing the crowd?
why is it necessary to block all exit and entrance ramps?
why?
perhaps because it is a majority of blacks who participate in Texas Relay festivities?
perhaps if the same excessive presence was present during SXSW or Biker weekend, I wouldn't be so pissed and frustrated!!

just venting.....
any thoughts?

the night before yesterday

raindrops fall silently
kissing windowpanes
candles glow
whisps of smoke curl
along sillouettes
kisses on neck
on honey curves
causes soft moans
and willing thighs
butterfly wings take flight
dancing slowly on a strong melody
creating new notes
to form in throat
to escape from lips
suspended in air
until the next quick inhale
until the next slow exhale

u r the real in my reality
painting passions
pulling fantasies
from dreams
creating small heavens
soft places to fall

the seduction of your kiss
plays jazzy melodies across lips
leaving sentiments behind
dark chocolate-caramel essence
called u
envelope this body

licking fingertips
to remember u
to keep tasting u
the scent of me
mixes with possibilities of u
intoxicates the air

dampening thighs
collecting moisture
in honey wells
yearning for u
to drink
full bodied taste of me

let me enter
take residence in your soul
sleep there
plant my feet there
grow with us there
exist within your words there

allow me to walk on the air u breathe
pass through lips
until i am the only language u speak
a whisper
a moan
a sigh
language of poetic melodies...

the universe of u n i

3 days passed before the body was found
victim of circumstance
beyond her control
suicide?
cleansing ritual?
wrists slit
fingertips smudged
with ink, no blood spill
only sentences and metaphors
splattered on walls
pooling on floors
track marks on arms
where she had injected him
in daily doses
with her pen
high lasting as long as his last line
stole her innocence for the sake of his next rhyme
waited for him to paint her colorless dreams
in yellows, purples
and of course in her blues
melodies of her song
sacrificial lamb.

Shyyyyytttt!! Tagged Again

6 STRANGE/QUIRKY THINGS ABOUT ME:
hmmm these things getting a lil too revealing...i don't like putting all of me out there...but oh well

1. Don't pretend to have a conversation with me...with "uh huhs" and "hmms", eyes wandering and shit. Look at me when i'm talking dammit, and be present in the conversation. Sends me over the edge when a phone rings and automatically pick it up, without a hold on please or something. Promise you, i will show my ugliness.

2. My stage name is MichelleDesiree...no space in between, for a reason....these 2 are me. very distinct entities, and those closest to me know i am being for real. knowing who you are talking to, or who you would rather talk to is part of the game. be very careful of Desiree acting like shelle...lol, she will flip it on your ass. here is a hint: watch the eye color to know the difference.
i'm sure there are some meds out there for me somewhere!!

3.I will eat leftovers, most of the time. But for some reason...chicken leftovers are out the question. Wings....forget about it! Now i will eat up some wings, but something about them being refrigerated...just grosses me out!! Once chicken even get room temp...can't do it!!

4.This one is gross and disgusting i know...i love to pop pimples, doesn't even have to be my own. Not the acne pus face kind, yuck! Black heads are the best!! I know I know...a lil too much. how's that for strange?

5.i tend to pout, more so with men. i don't throw tantrums. i notice my voice changes to higher octave, will plead, stroke the ego, give the silent treatment, heavy sighs...the works. such a baby. i am trying to change this, but i guess if it didn't work so well...i wouldn't do it.

6.i have a crazy love affair with Sixlets. lil chocolate balls in all different colors...hmmm wonder if there is something underlying to this!! i crack myself up sometimes! these candies are hard to find, oh but when i do...i buy in bulk. love to see how many i can fit in my mouth sometimes...hmmm

and since ms sarah tagged everybody this side of the hemisphere...no one is left.
ahh the madness of it all!!

Street Poets....Literally!!

and i'm not kidding.
so "the neosoul collective" is part of the performance lineup for "Art After Dark"(thank you joey), proceeds benefiting the Austin Fine Arts Museum. Beautiful setting. Tickets are $55 to get in this MOFO, mind you some patrons paid even more...good cause. Yes, $55 for a ticket, sooooooo it was going to be an interesting crowd. to say the least!!
a volunteer gave us our access passes, but first we had to sign a waiver of liability...just in case we fell off the stage or something, which you will see proves to be quite HEE-LARIOUS!!
a volunteer guides us through the crowd, directing us to "stage 1." she stops. points. says "straight back." ok, thank you. we continue walking.i see the barriers. no stage. i see the edge of the festival. no stage. i see a belly dancer. no stage. i see 2 yellow stripes in the middle of the road...leading to the mic. um, there's our stage.
alrighty then. like i said street poets LITERALLY!!
but you know what? Neo did the damn thing!! A few stayed the whole performance, interesting that they were of color. a few walked by trying not to notice. a few stayed for awhile, quite intrigued. i'm sure 99% of the spectators had never even heard of or seen a spoken word performance.
reactions were interesting...from why are YOU here? to WOW!
it didn't matter the reaction.
what mattered was-spoken word and poetry is an art in itself. we shared a lil of ourselves with a group who would not normally be exposed to this. whether they like it or not...who cares.whether 1 or 100...who cares
what mattered was the young lady who silently wept during my piece or the older gentleman who nodded during BFran's. a nod of solidarity.
to touch just one...to bring circles closer
that's what it is about, really.

Life is Wonderful
Hold on tight!

Beyond My Own Box

So its already known we saw Goapele and Floetry in concert tuesday, though "saw" is not an appropriate word. It was more of an experience, than a mere checking out another concert. i don't have many words for what happened, for its spirit is and will be in my soul for a very long time. she is doing something in there to me, perhaps causing new seeds to grow.
they make me want to be a better woman
and if i do nothing as a result from this experience...then i am a fool!

last night, i was part of a showcase in san antonio.(thank u Vocab) grand opening of sa's own ruta maya. the place is lovely, very metro. a step away from the riverwalk.
yeah, early enough to grab a bite to eat and be serenaded by a mariachi band.
my 2 youngest ones got to hang out with me. it was more of a treat for me than for them. i want to include and expose them to more of what i do, than exclude...thinking poetry once again is taking momma away.
they met some of my fellow poets, and of course hit mom and dad both for their never-ending hunger....didn't we just eat?
okay, so as i'm sitting there, i'm realizing...there's no big brotha b whispering in my ear, no 13 quick coaching me or thumbs up, no joey waiting with encouraging hugs, none of sarah's smiles.
i got scared
wanted to think of an excuse to leave
wait a minute...
these are my fellow poets, here just like you...a passion for the word. no ego trips, no status seeking, just here to share. and we did!
everything and everythang, diversity was great.
knowing i was part of this diversity,
exposing myself to poet's i normally wouldn't have,
meeting new ones next time who won't be strangers,
taking away a new perspective,
realizing i can go beyond my own box...
feet no longer seem as heavy
and the world seems a lil bigger

Creative Juices Over Floweth...

we haven't had a writer's lab in awhile, and it seems we never have enough of them. i love them. seems like there is always someone new. always something different. always a line or two written or heard, that gives birth to an amazing piece later on. i think this was the largest group we have ever had...about 10 i believe.
subject given to me: I Just Can't Find The Words
words must use in any tense: curious, compulsion, fascination, fumble, kinetic, keepsake, satisfied, stupid, numb, nimble.
my pen's compulsion to write
even when i can't find the words,
drives me insane.
memories tucked away
like forgotten keepsakes
collecting dust and senuous webs
life has weaved so much
sometimes wrapped too tightly
cutting the circulation off
leaving my senses numb
stupidity of an existance
lifeless for so long
as i fumbled through the darkness
outrunning demons of my familiar
shelle be nimble
shelle be quick
shelle must jump over the candlestick
curiousity of wanting to be whole
caused me to be still
as kinetic energy flowed
within the pauses of heartbeats and heartbreaths
again i pick up my pen
fascinating story begins
new chapter
new epic
with every stroke
every line
even if i can't find the words
my soul always will.

not too too shabby...something will come form this, always does.
once again thanks Big Brotha B for opening up your home and your heart to us. I swear, you can't help but to write within those 4 walls!!

I Was Tagged....So Watch OUT!!

Hmmm Attributes For A Perfect Lover:
--Make me laugh...often
there is nothing like someone who can make u laugh. whether its breaking a smile or laughing until the tears flow, or anything in between.
--Make love to my mind
lets have stimulating conversations, teach me something, open my mind to new horizons. said it before: the orgasm given mentally will always last longer than the one given physically.
--Be honest
with your words and your life. i am not perfect with this myself, but always striving. you cannot be true to others until true to yourself. self reflection is one of the hardest things to do, but doing it is half the battle.
--Passionate
in bed, making love to my WHOLE body, in life, with your children, with your own passion, what gets your heart to beating fast.....without the fire, u r either boring or dead...sometimes the same thing, right?
--Open minded
i will spring some shyt on your ass sometimes!! I love to keep people guessing about me. I keep a pretty ecletic group of friends around me too, so judging anyone or anything i do is a major NONO!! You don't have to like it...but nobody left YOU to be God either!!
--Be a good active listener
i keep quiet alot. i am more than an observer, but sometimes i dump talk, as i call it. sometimes i don't need u to say a word, just listen to me. let me know you are present though. Look at me. sometimes i want advice, or just good conversation and interaction. someone who can figure out when to talk and when to just listen....but always in the moment!!
--Know my moods
i have a few of 'em, and then on top of that...you got to deal w/ 2 distinct females in one body (seriously). don't take my moods personally, just realize and flow with it. i even drive myself crazy with this one haha
--Believe in a higher power
whether its God, Alah, Budah, or another name...believe that we come from a great source of Love, and we all must continue the journey in love...i belive in the power of prayer...i had a praying grandmother, know what i mean. don't need bible toting religious, need the spirituality.
--Respect the beauty of life
i get giddy over the smallest of things life allows me to see: purples and pinks streaking across dusk skies, butterflies floating on air, solo flight of a bird, the lines in a leaf, wrapping your arms around me when least expected...so someone else noticing life and feeling life is very important.
--Love of family
--Respectful of Women
these 2....enough said
i could give a hundred more, but these i believe are the meat of the bone.
now who will i tag!!!!!
Lets see:
Joey
Thirteen
Brandy
Jai
Angel
Relentless
Copa
Element 615
Mo

Her Smile

She wears steel toed black combat boots laced up to her heart-trying to avoid feeling the crap she walks thru-the stench assaults her senses, and she remembers memories engraved within the membranes of her soul--like-her alpha, ovulating beats, pulsing the air, as the conception of her comes into existance-wading in fluids of rejection, bathed in the baptism of simply surviving--and i wonder what lies beneath her smile.
she-an original score, written on torn parchment in backdrops of smokey rooms and back alleys-tattooed on yesterday's regrets-tomorrow's sequels
her bittersweet childhood caught off guard-a lifetime of nocturnal screams thru muted whispers-permeating the air like rancid perfume.
her lil girl tears fall-unnoticed-upon coloring book pages-mixing with purple blues of shattered dreams-spilling outside the lines
fallen star wishes-angel wing wishes-Grandmother's sanctuary wishes-just wishes
they-sharing same blood, only to bleed her innocence in corners of shadowed basements-disguised as deceitful games--he swallows her adoration in delicious gulps-tying to feed his own self hatred
and i still wonder what lies beneath her smile
fast forward-still a scared lil girl with big girl dreams searching for daddy's love in the arms of harm's way-she finds him-hitting her like a train wreck-literally-off track--relishes in his spirit breaking fists, craving his venemous kisses
he-a lil boy himself hiding within the obscurity of playing the role of a man-only to become an understudy-she his costar-but she memorizes her lines-even if the lines are only screams-for she was never heard-unacknowledged existance repeated daily like late night reruns
tears placed just right-makeup flawless-hiding the affection darkening her eye-swelling her lip or bruising her cheek-right on script-humiliation her Oscar-cries of bewilderment, her Grammy
and i still wonder what lies beneath her smile.
encroaching walls closing in as ceiling and floors of their world evaporate, like the curling smoke of a long forgotten cigar-left smoldering between life stained fingers
she had to hate him enough just to love a lil bit of herself
one forgotten piece-left on an old dusty shelf-hidden within the confines of self worth--trying to reclaim her childhood-her innocence-her womanhood
desperation dialates pupils past yesterday-facing reflections of smiles-amongst tears-like shattered glass slowly etching lines of forgiveness down her face
entangled within the truth of thir lies tucked away neatly in corners of a mask masquerading what lies beneath---
her smile.

MMMMMMMO-------JOOOOE!!!!!

the crowd wanted nothing but Mojoe...forget Solange, momma and poppa Knowles, and thier less than fabulous enterage they brought. I mean do u really think u something with the dark glasses 11:00 at night?
The Austin crew was not impressed...we came for the hottest funky soul band this side of the Mississippi..Mojoe!!
They brought it like hamhocks and collard greens with a side of hot sauce..i mean i'm just saying!!
and the fact poets and old friends were showing up left and right..felt like one of one of B's parties hahahahahahaha...
damn like i said if this is how this wonderful life lately is going to keep on going...shoot let me fasten my seatbelt...keep it coming!!

Randomly Placed Thoughts

in cd player currently:
indie arie
leela james
floetry
these 3 stay in constant rotation it seems....REAL MUSIC

hey kimmy & erica!! sarah & i will see u @ the Floetry concert, picked the tickets up yesterday...yep yep...very excited about this one, since i havent seen them live yet.

Mojoe is playing saturday night @ Cedar Street Courtyard, and i do believe love is opening up with some poetry....must find my dancing shoes fo real!

Tarik has been a trooper with me lugging him around to all the spots lately, he can't keep up he says, and i'm like baby its just getting started. he just shakes his head. "i don't want u change anything just cause u r back home" i love him *sigh*

oh, one reason he's lugging me around...i haven't been driving.
car has been fixed and she purrs like a kitten...so whats the problem? perhaps 'cause a lil cream colored postcard came in the mail stating WARRANT OUT FOR YOUR ARREST!!
I called immediately...DAMN try over $$1700 in fines and 8, COUNTTHEM!! 8 warrants...procrastination once again has kicked me in my big yella ass!!Took care of one, so now down to 7-haha guess i can laugh at that one to keep from crying. (see previous post in oct for reason for warrants)
needless to say i won't be driving for awhile!!

seems R Kelly is n town for a concert @ ut. read the university wanted to bring more diversity to the concert hall....so out of alllll the artists to choose from...this is who u pick?? give me a break...
and on that note, a group of child predators/pedophiles were recently arrested for having a LIVE, yes LIVE feed on the internet of actual molestations of several children...the youngest being only 18 months old!
i was and still am sickened by this...these muthafuckas need to be lined up and simply just shot!!
i don't get it, nor do i want to...

Cherry on Top

what a great week:
did a few voice overs for a tv commercial, excited about the possibilities!
wednesday's Poet's Tag at NeoSoul was mad crazy! my daughter's track meet left me w/o a voice for a few hours. big scare when she hit a hurdle, then hit the ground. she still loves 'em though. brave. Of course, i have already commented on saturday's youth slam and premiere party. once again congratulations jono. love u baby!
by the way sho glad u r not slamming wednesday...give the rest of us a chance!! hahaha
ahhhh but sunday just was the cherry on top. know what i mean. Thirteen explained it best on her blog, and she always does. the pain in my back, not to mention my feet, after waiting for HOURS for Badu to hit the stage, all well worth it. must of been a zillion bands before her, and even a more zillion minutes between each stage setup. My God ya'll are killing me here! ahhh but baby, when FunkSway hit the stage...ahhh sookie sookie now. the back loosened up and the feet went to grooving! i was front and center, lots of my extended family was off to the right (13, erica, bwine, songstress, god's gift, lovey, tre) both beckoning the other to come their way. sorry i wasn't giving up the spot. but we jammed anyway. hey i rhymed.
the energy this band gave forth, was unbelievable...and i'm still feeling it.
None of the CRAP on the radio these days could compare...hell its not even music anymore....hence the movie and the stirring underground movement "Before The Music Dies"...this was it!! I mean, u had 3 piece horn section(sax, trumpet, trombone), 3 guitarists, keyboardist, piano player, singers, and a mixmaster in the back! Come on!!
can u tell i was and still am so excited?
oh, and 13 n i both snagged us a nice memento. she got the better one though, he actually was playing with hers. okay now that sounded funny, but know what i mean.
Like Thirteen said, if what has happened so far this year is any indication how the rest of the year will follow.....
until next time...

YEAH YEAH BABEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

NEEEEOOOO.....K-O-R-I-M!!!
much much much props to all the young poets who hit the stage yesterday in the Austin Under 21 Youth Slam. From beginning to end, absolutely phenomenal. I was a scorekeeper this time, and it killed me taking off points for time penalties. 'cause i believe one particular young female should have moved on....damn 3min/12sec! and the damn judges were hellified tough...i won't make mention of the judge sitting next to us we nicknamed "the judge from Russia". One of the poets whispered, "i just wanna knock in her throat!" lol
our boy jono had the highest scores alllll night. HOT LIKE FIYAH!! so of course he walked away with not only a spot on the team going to Gotham City, but also THE SLAM CHAMP!! all his mammas, aunties, sistas, brothas, and cousins were and are so proud of him!
the team consists of jono aka korim, prophet(love his words), gingis, and one feisty edgy young lady by the name of Kelsey. watch out for this one!
13 n i made a mad dash to Wally World in her brand new mustang!! i didn't want to put my feet down it was so clean. 13 had torn a seam in her shirt, so had to pick up a new one. ok when did wally world get these cute ass shirts? remember the chant...U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi....well that was the shirt we found...plus she looked cute as usual...i won't tell her though, smile.
found the spot we were looking for, after much driving. how many points u get for hitting a blonde ut student on 6th?? damn they all look alike.
anyway--we hit the mecca of poets. i mean it was unbelievable who was around. damn we missed them on the mic. oh well, so i rubbed elbows with a few. saw some old familiars i hadn't seen in awhile, hugs were still good. made promises of 'until next time'...didn't want to leave, but it was really late and i was tired.
damn i really love this poetry thang!!
Mo hope u got a big enuff pallet for all these austin mofo's coming!!

Still Just a Girl

So much is going on now with poetry. its like all of a sudden there is something everyday and everynight to do. to a poet, this is both exhausting and exhilarating!
tonight though, my lil girl...well she's now 13, but always my lil girl ya know...she wanted a spur of the moment sleep-over with her best friend. kings of poetry was tonite and our monthly drive to freeverse in san antonio....
but one look into her beautiful browns...and i was like what poetry??
so we had daddy pick up a mess of wings from pluckers, kicked our feet up and became silly silly silly!
they are now singing off of the top of their lungs an old ashanti song. totally off key at times, but i love it!! they are in the process of putting some dance moves together...damn these 2 can dance...i must supervise those hips!!
it is the start of spring break and the weekend, so any regular bedtime hour is out the question. daddy and i love the entertainment they are providing anyway.
her lil brother, now 11, is too goofy to be allowed in her room. so he is sulking and off on his own.
i find myself smiling at the events unfolding. how innocent it all is. how pure. how sweet.i don't want this to ever change for them, yet that is not reality unfortunetly. and that saddens me. soon giggles will be replaced with tears from a broken heart. board games and made up dances with kisses and OH GOD-SEX!! i pray she never stops wanting my hugs and kisses, or snuggle with me when watching tv.
she is an amazing lil girl, growing so fast into a beautiful young lady...sigh...also a budding poet (she adores mahogany browne).
i pray as well, when she gets to be my age, she is able to once again capture her youth with her best friend...wearing fuzzy rainbow slippers, singing off key at the top of their lungs, dancing like no tomorrow, and just being silly silly silly!!
Just being a girl....

the journey continues

what is it like
to b u
to feel u
to create memories in your mind
of me
of us
to be the constant whisper
in your ear
in your heart
to flow thru veins
connecting dna
connecting souls
to engrave u n i
along earthly planes
along time lines
what is it like?
its like when i think of ...
u

What The Hell...!!

okay, so i'm watching the Oscars off and on last night. love seeing who was wearing what...so girly i know. most of the women were absolutely stunning. jamie fox, samuel l jackson, and sexy terrance howard...damn! cool as ice.
now (uh oh)...i love me some george clooney, BUT did he say he loves being a part of this wonderful academy because they knock down barriers (not exact, but close to his words). then goes on to say, this is the same academy who, in 1939, gave Hattie McDaniel an oscar for best supporting actress; the first african american to receive one. i love being in the same category.
WHAT THE HELL!!
does he know, his beloved academy would not present it to her during the actual televised show? she had to receive it in a DAMN EMPTY ROOM!!
I guess giving her an oscar AND allowing her on the show would be just too much.
i am ashamed he even compared the two.
black actors who have received oscars are few and far between. one reason i don't watch them, but i was so hoping Terrance would receive one. Crash is simply phenomenal! but nope not this time...
i guess giving out 2 oscars in one night...again would be just too much!!
3 SIX MAFIA, are u fucking kidding me!! 3 SIX MAFIA!! i wanted to pull my hair out when they got on stage to accept their award. barely could understand what they had to say, and then they had to bleep some of it out!!
Yes, another first. Yes, one for Crash. BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT....
Doing a Florida Evans..."Damn! Damn! Damn!"

No Room 4 Doubt

i hate packing, but this time its okay
i fill the boxes with things i call my life
not complete, but life nevertheless
suprisingly i'm not feeling sad, a lil melancholy, but not sad
this place has served its purpose
and now i'm moving on
sorta like people in your life
either they move on, or u move on
it doesn't mean u love 'em any less
just...the lessons have been taught
their purpose completed
time to grow some more
time to go down yet another road
find a new adventure
...or perhaps a familiar adventure
to create new paths
chisel boulders down to rocks
with time into smooth pebbles
for the road will always have its problems
just how will i deal with 'em is up to me
face head on...no more running
i watch him sleeping
and wonder
i trace his broad shoulders carefully
not to wake him
he smiles and reaches for me
and whispers, pulling me closer
"i have missed u so much"
...and i know i have made the right choice
as i snuggle into his love
i finally sleep like a baby.

the journey continues...

Stretch

I originally wrote this for Sarah, not too long ago during a dark moment. With her blessing, i asked if i could post it here.
So, now this is for you Joey as well(thanku for creating my beautiful blog :))...also for me and any other woman going thru something.

the storm is coming
but its okay
i will be your shelter
don't hide behind the clouds
instead break thru
claim back your sky
let the rain fall
i will hold the umbrella
and even if u get wet
let the layers melt away
let the pieces fall
upon fertile ground
pain being the seeds
from which u will grow
so strong
stretch your SELF high
within the winds of change
breezes of possibilities
keep stretching
until u think u can't anymore
then stretch again
past imaginary boundaries
a lil more
and claim back your sky

much love

ahhh the weekend

weather has been crap lately. wish it would make up its mind what it wants to do. this dreary constant drizzle has got to stop. cold one day. too warm the next. poor plants and trees just alllll confused.
Me and the fam went to see Madea's Family Reunion friday night. about 45minutes early and still a damn line out the door. i just laughed, guess some folks didn't expect this many out to see this movie. it didn't make any sense to have it showing on one screen anyway. like i said some folks.
if u haven't seen it yet....GO SEE IT!! it will have u laughing, crying, pissed off...and sometimes all at once.
the house was packed. some on cp time mad cause they had to sit right under the damn screen. we had perfect seats, whew. just the right row, and just right in the middle.
Tyler Perry is brilliant. and to think he almost took his life in his darkest moment. also was homeless for a minute. ya never know what life will bring if u just have a lil faith....and believe. i love how he incorporates all the lil stories within the big one.
Please go see it...u won't be disappointed.
Got up early Saturday morning, after dreaming all night i was late, to participate in a mini slam at Travis High School. It was myself, Eboni, Susie, and Shannon Lee. We were just as diverse as our young (5th grade-12grade)Girlscouts. With a brief intro of what a slam is, by Ron Horne, one by one we hit the mic. yeah we went over our 3minutes, but we really wanted the girls to hear what we had to say..but hey no penalties here, so no worries.
the girls were wonderful, hung on our every word...whooping and hollering when we were through, even had a dog pound going on the side....great for the ego. You could just see it in their eyes. sometimes its great to JUST BE A GIRL, and this day we made it okay to be one, gave 'em a lil power back. permission to fly for a few minutes. i hope we inspired someone, even if just one, to write...and if so, then we did our job.
Saturday evening, hung out with parents (hey, they r cool sometimes) at Main Event. well hung out at the bar, where my cutie of a brother, is a bartender. YES!! CAN U SAY ALL THE FREE DRINKS ONE COULD ASK FOR??
Sunday lived up to its name...what an absolutely beautiful day!! Weather was perrrrrfect. Spent the day out in the sun watching live racing in Manor...well of course i bet on a few. my daughter even picked some winners!! got to be careful, gambling is in the blood LOL!! We had a blast though. wrapped up the evening playing board games...how i have missed this...feels good.
Life is so full of ups and downs, twists and turns....buckle up and enjoy the fantastic ride!!
until next time...

Sirius Radio: Everyone Should Have One

We had a show last Tuesday in Houston. Had a blast, amazing poets to say the least. Funky Mike would of had the best night if the girls had left their panties! Cousin Sarah, well lets just say the chile can hold her own. her growth has been amazing. okay so the show was hot, but the ride back was even better. i am not sure how the boys faired, but the ladies of neo rocked it, or should i say hip hopped it all the way back to Austin. we laughed, danced, sang, and acted a plum fool with this backspin old school hiphop station. i'm sure every car passing was like OMG!! they must be drunk. Yep we were....not on alcohol, but drunk on the memory of good damn music. not this imitation bullshit on the radio today. Erica even took us back to skating days...ya'll youngins don't know nothing 'bout it!!
Sarah was having a fit, threatening to steal the van when we got back into town...she was serious...not for the van...but for the sirius radio no doubt!!
Foressa taped a lot of it for blackmailing purposes. shoot i don't care, that much fun sober should be illegal!
We pulled in beside the guys at a gas station, for late night snacks and a pee stop, of course. we roll down the windows, jump out the van singing and dancing.
the guys get out all stiff, down in the face...just looking tired. then they look at us like 'damn we should of rode with them'....!!! yep sho should of....
but then again it wouldn't of been as fun. sorry fellas.
waiting for the next road trip...forget checking for a dvd player...give me a sirius radio anytime
...along with Ms foressa, Mama June, Cousin Sarah, and Erica anytime!!

Thru The Storm

i believe everything, and i mean everything happens for a reason. there is a lesson in it all, and if u don't get it this time...it will continue to return. same story, different faces.
i fell apart on stage wednesday, literally. though a painful piece to write, my breakdown had nothing to do with the words. well, so i thought, until i read the words 'i wish'. and i do wish it was all different.
eventhough i had a mental breakdown, damn, in front of so many; early morning hours brought a mental breakthrough.
i realize i am in mourning in many ways. hard to let go of baggage u have carried around so long. hard to let go of people who help carry the baggage with u. sometimes sitting on it, so you must carry both.
time to put it down
time to leave you behind
i am far from getting through my own mess...but at least i am on the path through it, trying to keep moving.
looking in the mirror....wow a tough one, i dare anyone else to do it.
i mean really look at yourself and be honest.
and talk honestly...
...without being defensive, without accusations.

The Poison of Women

forgive me 'cause i'm pissed, but still needing to say something
if u get offended...i don't give a fuck!!

did u think we were kindred spirits?
think again
don't compare mine to yours just because u were the one who got fucked!
what wicked webs we weave...
you hug on me, kiss on me
leaving behind poison on my cheeks
and uneasiness in my soul
so quick to turn corners and whispers behind doors
showed me your true self, and u wondered why i was so quick to leave
would rather been in the streets than one more day in the hell u paint
what wicked webs we weave...
i see your kind often
trying to fit in to be in
disguised as a friend
but your knife still drips of others backs
the stench of u
worse than the morgue
cause u keep coming back
what wicked webs we weave...
think your whispers go unnoticed?
but i hear u loud and clear
even in a room full of words
words pecking at me like jealous hens
pecking away at my shell
not realizing desi always got my back
so BACK THE FUCK OFF!!

this is not about just one, but a few i know. to those who choose to whisper, make a fucking mental note to be in another zip code around me. I have amazing hearing. Old saying goes: keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer.
damn that felt freeing...
who got next?

A Journey Within The Journey...among many

so its been a month...lol
i find it interesting i do not crave it anymore. truthfully it was the "touch" i was craving, yet they never took the time to touch me. realizing this has opened my eyes to so much more, creating new realities in my life.i have enjoyed this sexual freedom i have had lately. enjoyed the fact i finally had some control...but, always a but...i now want more in my life, getting bored with casual and not being satisfied...literally and figuratively. i know i have much work to do on this being of me and her, but i am more willing now than ever. i feel it is time. preparing myself for ....hmmm i don't know. excited though...cause its something. there's this feeling, growing deep inside of me, an energy i cannot explain...just waiting to spill forth. also preparing myself for the one i will meet headon...looking for me. no more relationships of resentment and anger, unhealthy or soul stealing. these things i must forgive myself for, exercise out of me, inorder to be healthy for whoever. instead of my full line of baggage...too heavy to carry at times, full of holes and overstuffed, shit falling out all over the place...i can just bring something small enough to carry in my backpocket.
Ceelo says "i always keep me some pain"...and that too is okay. just when the the old stuff appears, oh and it will...like rejects from Goodwill!! want to realize what it is, deal with it, move on.
to move on....to move on

In Loving Memory

"If you get your heart right, your mind and body will fall into place right behind it."--Correta Scott King

she was, and will always be, one of the great ones.
she always seemed so graceful, so regal to me.
yet so much pain behind her eyes.
a woman who stood by her man, no matter what...and i mean no matter what
made sure Dr. King's legacy was never forgotten....sadly so many have forgotten.
where have all our leaders gone?

some more ramblings

tx dot sign: arson/fire ban in effect
um, isn't arson already illegal?

my youngest daughter discovers why i say "DON"T SHARE MAKEUP"....yucky conjunctivitis aka pink eye. she couldn't go to school today...sure she was upset. now wants to go to a party...um baby no can do...she is part of the awful in crowd, and is crying her lil mucous filled eyes out right now.
mean mommy, i know.

he says to his cousin: tell Michelle to call me...uh brotha, that street goes both ways and don't u know your name had been deleted. home and cell.
per prior post....one of the weeds needing pulling from my garden, dammit where is my Weed Be Gone?!

lol, street goes both ways...guess i do lol sorry made a personal inside funny
i need help!!

how do u tell a fellow poet his shyt is sounding very sam i am...i am sam...green eggs and hammish?

and why do certain people always read certain blogs...BUT NO CERTAIN COMMENTS ARE LEFT...VERY UM STRANGE FOR CERTAIN LOL!!
not calling out any names or anything...
Angels walk amongst us daily! HA!

give it up for Oprah everybody...poor man will never EVER sell another book in this lifetime or the next

how can u tell if a guy is really digging u? even after sleeping in the same bed with u...absolutely nothing happens, seriously...well he gives great foot rubs, is he being a true gentleman or perhaps is he_________?
u fill in the blank
um, happened to a friend of mine couple of months back...yeah, thats it!

2 children 6 and 8 waiting for the schoolbus, car pulls up tries to pull them both into the car, lil boy fought like hell, schoolbus rounded corner probably saving both of their lives.
first, very proud of youngster for fighting
second, why is a 6/8 yr old alone waiting, out of visual sight from their home?
3rd, police say not related to SIMILAR INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN SAME, YES SAME, COUNTY A MONTH AGO.....HELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO

state of cali, went ahead with execution of 77yr old who has been on death row 23yrs...legally blind, had a stroke, suffered 2 heart attacks, a diabetic, confined to a wheelchair....
am i the only one who says something is wrong here?

life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards- soren kierkegoard

observations within

sex is a funny thing...
giving yourself away in lil pieces is not...
i am enjoying this journey getting to know me. a few bumps in the road. a crash or two, even a blackhole appeared.but nonetheless i am still standing. i have great insurance coverage...the Creator.
i'm finding out just because i am a very sexual woman, does not mean i have to give this sweet essence away all the time, to just anybody. why, at almost 40 i'm learning this?....but the lesson comes anyway.better late than never i presume.
god! did i say almost 40?
so lately, i've been cleaning house sorta speak. getting rid of the trash and mediocracy, ya know.
i find it quite interesting, as well, the reactions from men and women-i love 'em both. i let them know, hey i'm flattered...but unless u r willing to explore the possibility of something meaningful...cause right now i'm looking for substance.
(actually i'm craving it.)casual encounters are on the back burner. women, for the most part, understand and respect this idea of mine. i said, for the most part....lol. even had one beautiful lady say 'can u just wait until after we have had our moment, to start this quest? don't be like that' she said
i laughed, but also was hurt....she didn't get it
i was just an object of her desire...a thing.
now the men, hahahahahahahahaha....i swear i love ya'll, but so damn predictable.
hey, ever want to weed out the wrong ones, clear out a room, have'em running for the hills...just tell 'em ya looking for something more....hear that? sounds of crickets chirping!! EXACTLY!!
its all good....she or he is out there for me.
i'm not looking, but i am waiting.
sistah here got some more cleaning to do before this house is ready
....until next time

Cause I Was Tagged Again

My Life...My Poem

My Name:Michelle...Desi...shelle...MichelleDesiree...butterfly

Childhood Ambition: to be a vetenarian(sp) and own my own art gallery

First Job: Maljazur(lisa) n i designing carnival games in my grandmother's front yard, n charging our friends...like i was maybe 6/7?

Last Purchase: damn, when was the last time i had some money? oh, head of lettuce and tomatoes

Indulgence: bubblebaths...journaling...caramel(all 3 at once OMG)

Fondest Memory: sitting @ Cafe De Monde, New Orleans, overcast day, drizzling, sipping on coffee and eating those sinful powder beignettes (sp), watching horse drawn carriages and people watching...it was like the world had decided to slow down and become a lil sweeter. i will never forget it.

Soundtrack: Carwash....ya'll remember that one????? still got my lp..HA!

Retreat: my bedroom, very royale. makes me feel queenly.

Wildest Dream: the Purple One (not Barney)singing to me in a bubblebath, writing poetry as he drizzles caramel on my.........

Proudest Moment:there were 3...Jessica, Taylor, and Kameron

Biggest Challenge: dealing w/ this entity called me

Alarm Clock: the Creator

Perfect Day: easy one, talking to my kids...then good friends, good food, good fun, good drinky drinks, laughter and damn good poetry

Favorite Movie: The Color Purple/Their Eyes Were Watching God (for the love dreamt of...w/o killing my man though)

Inspiration: taylor's smile and my neosoul poets

My Poem: Despite The Hunger by Alice Walker

Tag??? I think everyone has been it already!

Mangos By Moonlight

I wait for u
beneath willow trees-under willow leaves
soft rain weeping
like
fallen sentiments-tickling my senses
tongue searches slowly
tasting memories-in corners of lips
I smile
and allow my mind to wander...
u braid jasmin and honeysuckle within my hair
run with wild abandon thru sunflowers
swaying on intimate breezes
you catch me-i let you
at the river's edge-winding like destined paths
always changing-always constant
barefoot in cool water-soothing
pebbles skipping across lucid insanity
rings begin-never ending
outward rhythms-hollow melodies
cling to our ankles-reverberating across our souls
one simple kiss
stung like scorpions-smooth like honey
we drink each other
becoming intoxicated-anebriated
thirsty for completion-quenched by desire
absorbing needs-dissolving wants
you draw me nearer
fullness of breast-pressed against chest
heartbeats and heartbreaths-synchronize
head resting in bend of neck-lips within creases
I smile
and i allow my mind to wander...
embarrassed by our passion
the sun hid itself within your locks
so we made love in canefields-by voyeristic moonlight
sugar pilows-bed of rich earth
you drip mango flavored raindrops on my skin
sticky succulence-wetness
between fingers-between thighs-between toes
dampening my crown-glistening shades of gold
tips stirring my hues
lips conjuring stars
hips searching for God
pondering meaning of life-upon temple doors
finding divinity within
yearning-wanting more
whole body rises to receive
every part of u-fitting perfectly-into me
positive space taking up the negative
the ebb-the flow
the yin-the yang
called u and i
hands entertwined-eyes lock
searching for questions-to answers never spoken-but understood
river winding-river changing-again
the wind plays with whispers of seduction
blowing gently across my body
like sweet promises etched into angel's lips
i smile-memories of heaven
or is this madness contained?
as i allow my mind to wander...
to scents of jasmin and honeysuckle
to river's edge and cool waters
to sunflowers and canefields
to mango flavored raindrops
in corners of lips-tasting memories
tongue searches slowly
tickling my senses-fallen sentiments
like
soft rain weeping
under willow leaves-beneath willow trees
i wait for u

he did what??!!

mike epps walked upstairs
went straight to the bar
ordered a drink
walked around a bit
we said hello
my brother said hey got that sweet u need
b right back
brother gave it to him
epps took his sack out
placed it on the table
slit the sweet
emptied the sweet
filled the sweet
lit the sweet
and proceeded to smoke the sweet
erica says there is smoking ban in the clubs
uh i don't think he cares
lol
and he didn't even pass it to my brother!!
lol

first of many 2006 ramblings of a bonified lunatic

he is gone, but will return....a man
thank u for giving me wings
why is a 63yr old man sleeping on this couch, not a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of...unless its the one belonging to his grandkids...yes this is my lovely father
i love the softness that has occurred in him
my oldest is moving out YEAH!! oh im sorry was i suppose to be that damn excited!
too much alcohol + too much altering substances=bad sexual choices
Just say No!
think i might try celibacy
ok why do i hear a thunderous laughter right now
not f***ing funny ya'll...i can do it
why do my writings lately haunt me?
keep me up until i listen?
Their Eyes Were Watching God!!! sarah and i big babies, but knew she was the only one to watch it with
i want love like Janie and TeaCake
does that shit exist?
walked to the library today, sorry damn near treked to the library lol
needed the exercise
stupid who r u kidding ...YOUR CAR IS BROKE DOWN, YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY
sssshhhh
am i lying? cause if i am then i will stop. am i lying?
no
well then dont shush me
its hard dealing with just me, try dealing with two just trying to be
sigh

Are U Serious?

so has anyone else seen these damn beer commercials?
where the giant can of beer drops from the sky onto an unsuspecting dude caught being sensitive?
then the announcer says 'be a man, drink (cant remember the name of the beer)'
i started to laugh, but then i was like whoa!!! what the hell!!??
so a man isnt a TRUE man if he is caught being sensitive or caring?
Man up!!!!
thoughts or responses??

family ties...con't

not related directly to previous post. but directly related to the ties that bind.
yes, its after midnight and i still have a million and one things to do.
didn't i say i wouldn't do this again this year? i have improved though, not worrying too much about everybody in my life getting something from me that will probably get lost or broken, or worse-forgotten along the way.
i think the best gift i could give is of myself anyway.
the best gift to receive these days...friends and family...truly blessed to have some friends i consider family
lately i have spent a lot of quality time w/ my own seeds, realizing just how much i truly have missed them
realizing just how damn funny they are...so unique...damn they actually came from me
realizing just how good they are for my soul
but i'm still not ready to come home
home-funny word, simple word very complicated
i look around at the home i once made, dust has collected in many corners
things i thought mattered...no longer do
its their home now, yet a figment of my own imagination
so i try to help out as much as i can for their reality
to help the man they are a part of, that i was a part of for over 14years
will continue to be a part of....but different kind of way now
i know he tries to do the best he can with what he has, but its hard for him, its hard for a man
he didn't realize just how much i actually did to keep it 'home'
i didn't realize just how much i actually did, still so much to be done
overwhelming
didn't realize how empty my own lil apt is-not a home-wondering if i will ever find a 'home' again?
wondering if 'someone special' will ever enter my life again
when will i breathe again?
not actually how i intended for this blog to be, but guess it went where it was suppose to go
i have presents to wrap and pies to bake....Merry Christmas all you beautiful people

Tag!! You're It!!

so perhaps a lil behind again in the blogging dept.
lets try this, since i have been tagged twice

3 screen names i have:
luvdesire9
octaviamoon68
tkj0916

3 physical things i like about myself:
my eyes
my hair
my toes

3 physical things i don't like about myself:
my hair (again-a love/hate relationship)
my weight
my calves (too thick for long sexy boots)

3 parts of my heritage:
beautiful black
canadian
french/european

3 of my everyday essentials:
my pen/journal
hearing my kids laugh
to be still

3 of my favorite musicians:
prince
floetry
rachelle ferrell

3 of my favorite songs:
all u got to do is say yes (floetry)
how about any of Ceelo's
i remember (kem)

3 hobbies:
journaling
crafting
blogging

3 things i want in a relationship:
mutual honesty
passion
mutual respect

3 lies:
i'm okay/fine/alright
i'll call
yes i did come(lol)

3 things i want to do really bad right now (w/a special someone):
kiss his lips
laugh in each others arms until it hurts
embarass the universe with our love

3 careers i've considered:
teaching
forensic patholigist
personal shopper for the rich

3 kids names i like:
evan
alexandria
jewel (grandmother's name)

3 ways i'm a stereotypical dude/lady:
i pout
jealous streak
love being taken care of

WOW!!

last night...i don't even know if i have the words. Some of these bad azz poets, i hold dear to my heart, got together @ a Carribean Lights...opened up for All U Need.
What can i say....we rocked the shyt out of that place. The band was amazing, but i do believe the crowd was feeling the poets more!!!Yes!!!
I love the spoken word, i just love words period...the diversity was amazing on the mic.
i was pleasently surprised by Jazz Man showing up, so of course i had to do the piece inspired by him.
my big brotha b has taken my piece to another level...love u b...u r amazing!
had not heard the latest version
he was not ready for it
he was spellbound
mission accomplished
and he was not ready for Knowtorious 13 either LOL...u made him blush LOL...
i mean i think i have to put last night up there with some of the best memories of my life...i don't know what made it so special this night, but it was incredible.
the atmosphere, the Pink Panthers(OMG!!),the band, the poets, my friends, my family, the laughs, the word....all i can say is its good to be alive
ya know

family ties

so i came up to Conroe basically kicking and screaming. but i kept it all to myself. over 14yrs and every holiday has been spent w/ him, then w/ my babies. so i went quietly kicking and screaming. hard to break a bond.no matter how weak the perception. i did not know how the family, my family, would recieve me. my own guilt caused preconceived notions. wow was i wrong.glad i was.open arms and hearts from almost everyone. i say almost everyone, cause the one i knew would put on the fake face-did-she is also the gossiper of the family-so expected-no love loss. so many people make the trip to this home full of love.seriously. between 11am-midnight over 100 people made their way thru the doors, bringing something....damn should of seen the food the food the food the food the food here.deserts deserts deserts deserts!! 7up cake OMG! ya'll folks know what i mean.but we are in conroe country and this is some good down home country people here too. Coon, yes racoon, was right next to the turkey and ham...oh yeah did i mention somebody brought some moonshine....damn serious!! one of the elder matriarchs of the family no less. lol. yep moonshine. i didn't know folks still made that fire!!
no i didn't try it....chicken i guess or maybe smart.
i sat back and watched this family, my family, but still felt like an outsider. or was i the one who chose to be on the other side of the window lookin in? down home good people. always welcoming. uncle buck or 'daddy' i call him, my kid's big pop, and his brother uncle buddy argued alllllll day long. well not really. more like bragging rights. its hilarious. everyonce in awhile aunt jenni lee would jump in (also the one who drinks too much/wants too dance w/everyone....ya'll know the one in every family)now here is the ultimate bragging rights between these brothas. 'daddy' has an 8yr old son, meaning Tarik(38)has and 8yr old brotha.so of course, uncle buddy did not want to be outdone...now has a 3yr old...of course not unsual...but did i mention both of these grown ass men are in their mid 60's!! lol lol...oh and her name is 'miracle' seriously
anyway after much indulging and grazing all day. after the constant bragging rights 'arguing', the laughter, the constant motions....the house became quiet...and i missed it, wanted all the commotion to continue-to comeback. what the hell was that!!oh the kid's uncle, anthony, snoring in the lounge chair...put it this way he would give Big Brotha B a run for his money!!!
went to the computer, surfed awhile, reading my blog. tarik wanted to know what it was so i let him read it, well most of 'em. he looked at me, and said i didn't know, i am so sorry. what r u sorry for? im sorry for not supporting u, for not realizing how important poetry is to u and the family u have now become a part of, for not understanding. i'm sorry.
wow like i have said it soooo much, but i guess to SEE it in black n white is a hit on the head. for tarik, it was like being hit by a truck and i was driving.
to be continued......

soulful eyes of u

i watched from across the room w/o knowing
but knowing
it was u
waited for your seed to make the connection
your hands felt like home
warm and worn
from years of just being a woman
but your eyes
if i never see u again
your eyes will always comfort me
familiarity w/in the rarity
eyes not as dark as he
but still dark enough for secrets
told and untold
bless u for blessing me
w/his birth
w/us meeting
w/your teachings
thru him
thanku
for u
for him

thoughts random repeated

got called out of class being 5min late
are u kidding me
u were late yesterday
learned nothing constantly
how do u learn nothing constantly
get back w/u on that one
felt like f******grade school getting called out
oh yeah and again being late from lunch
call it the rebel in me
i didn't give a blank blank
daughter returned home yesterday
birthday is sunday
yeah i got a gift for ya ass
bus ticket to your dads....one way
coworker SAYS she is wking on her MASTERS (no less)for cosmotology...uhhhhhh yeah u feel me on that one huh...sweet girl though
dont believe the hype
shopping can drive the blues away...
so can a ride on the green train...thanks for that Relentless
don't want to go to conroe and be around a bunch of fake smiles and hugs of prejudgement
might be spending turkey day alone
but i am cool w/that
mean cook in the kitchen i am
so misunderstood
am i less of a mother not having mine w/me?
no
then why does he constantly make me feel less of a woman for it
but then says i am the one for him
no mofo!! u just don't want anyone ELSE having me
hmmm
bitter...damn right!!!
damn still need a couch-chairs getting hard-floor even harder
harder....brings back thoughts of u....lol
i really need to quit
time to take my meds
uh huh

random thoughts of a bonified lunatic

so i am at wk right now
totally bored with this oh so f#&*@#* stimulating job...but hey it pays the bills
damn i have got to go back to school
and i have a damn degree already
wishing i was at hm in my warm bed beside my warm...oh yeah aint nobody there...
well guess i have another date w/mr stickup
lol
cheap date
always at attention and never talks back
do guys really think they can get the panties by saying "hey are we going to fu** tonite?
are u serious
wait i think i have said that before to someone
lol and it worked....hmmm
why won't my child use deo...does she he and she not smell themselves
and laugh when u ask them
that shit aint funny
asked for seasonal promotion-got it-supervisor is trippin-making 500 dollars more than usual now-when season is over-want me back-are u serious-back to less than 500 dollars-uh hold that thought
gas prices have dropped dramatically
so was there really a shortage
or actually a LONGAGE-yes i said longage-of greed
why won't men do what they say
why lie
u r not that cute
tracy always told me men are like buses, there is one every 15 min
i think the next bus took a detour somewhere
is this the right curb to be standing on
how often do the women come around...checking watch
i need a cat...or a cute lil dog...dogs have to be walked/your hours are too weird for a dog...cat then
which is better...red hairs....or sticky icky....or sticky icky w/ red hairs
tell u later
damn what am i going to wear tonite?
something desi or shelle/perhaps somewhere in between
his mom will be there...better do somewhere in between
do your thang brotha...very proud more than u know
my hands are starting to look old
well hell u are
still cute though
uh huh
get out my head
i am your head stupid
oh
back to my original random thoughts of a bonified lunatic...................
im bored

thoughts of u

my brain yells
my heart cries
and my spirit aches
none paying attention to the other
each in its own misery
too blind to see
the need
for connection
spirit is endless
even after
the last heartbeat
and the mind remembers memories
the mind remembers
the mind
a collection of thoughts
collecting
store housing yesteryears
tears and fears
funny how a sound
a smell
a word
can conjure up a smile
a tear
or both
melancholy thoughts
thoughts gone
thoughts forgotten
now front and center
freed
like a caged bird
with the door left open
yet just looks at it
looks at the sky
know it will never fly
so it tucks its wings
and from her throat
comes the most beautiful song
the door still lays open
the memories still haunting
and i remember
you

windows of highways

looking out thru the windows
to the highway called my life
18 wheelers barreling down
pushing up against the bumpers
of the ordinary
got my headlights on high
gas tank is low
last stop miles ago
going south
on northbound lanes
entry ramp wrong way
heading down the highway
looking at my life
thru fogged up windows
or dirty
can't tell which
right now
take out my heart
wipe it clean
see me
standing on the corner
with cardboard sign of my soul
will work for love
slightly bruised
very worn
i scream at me
with outstretched hands
for change
i throw at me
what i can spare
see me
falling to knees
in rear view
i lock eyes w/ my own
pray to give her
give me
another day
amen

so misunderstood

i think when it comes to matters of the heart, i am the most misunderstood person around. i want one thing, always get another.
i get what i need, and jeapordize it so i make it go away
it goes away, then i spend too much energy trying to get it back
its simple really, so why all the complications?
i want to be in love, actually i want to be loved unconditionally
the way i love others, with all their faults an hangups
love me with all my own faults and hangups
yes i need work....got issues...who the hell does not?!
yes i am working on them, but i am being drained by those who profess to have my best interest at hand.
constantly taking constantly taking constantly taking
i don't mind giving, that is my spirit....but leave me with something
or at least stay awhile
when i have something to say, listen
with both ears, not on the way out
i have so many beautiful people in my life, a few i keep very close to my heart
others i don't know why i do
perhaps i am a taker myself, they serve some purpose or else why would i bother?
i play the sexy vixen well
well desiree does
but i am so tired of the image others want of me
not the real me
they want the wild sexy me, the sexy voice me, the sexy clothes wearing me
when actually
i am a simple girl with simple ways
who just wants to be loved
to be taken seriously
to be understood.....to be validated
i find it hard to stay alive
seriously
its a struggle
everyday i contemplate what i have done thrice before, but guess God had other plans
vicadin and tequila can be a deadly mixture
drank the tequila last night in the darkness by candlelight
played with the vicadin on the table
would falling in love help me?
perhaps not, but at least i would have a soft place to fall
so simple
so misunderstood

discovery

the scent of lavender creeps
onto dull senses
lulling them to sleep
annointing emotions
with the oiliness
of feeling
taking the lunacy
from nightmares
haunting night after night
allowing the ego
to dream
of more than of id
suspended alliterations
metaphors and similies
expressing me
freely
rearranging
redefining
no more preset molds
stories fortold
decisions
seeking answers
before they are spoken
the saline of life
stinging open wounds
salt crusting
like white lies
on black lips
this abstract entity
called my soul awaits
for its remolding
its rebirth
from divine hands
i awake from this remote dreamworld
look down at my hands
and smile
for i discover
they are
covered
in
clay

forbidden

yes i am the forbidden fruit u r craving
for the taste
gave u a chance and u made haste
froze up punked out
guess how to do a sistah 101 was not taught in the marines
did a whole lot of talking
but only saw me walking
away
scardy cat of my cat
should of called you while he
was behind hitting that g
heard what u were missing see
naw naw lost all your cool point definitely
forbidden i will always now be
watch look and listen
savor from afar
whisper in my ear if ya want to
naw naw lil white boy u cannot taste my sexuality

ranting
perhaps
pissed
naw naw too many others out there to be upset
don't have time for stragglers
lol
i think the tequila is still in my system right now lol
ya'll have a good day
the sun is shining ya'll
even after the moon being high alllll night
*snicker*

in my cd player now: Talib's cd....hot hot hot
can't wait for the concert
reading now: black girl....get it to ya soon 13
feeling like: can take over the world if i wanted to..who will be my king? or queen?

the heart of a son

it is amazing what 24hrs can do for the soul. i mean if u at least give yourself that option to hang on just a lil bit longer.
and i did
my son
sigh
he is such a beautiful soul. an amazing kid. if i can say so myself. sorta partial ya know. his sense of humor is insane. quick witted and smart as a whip. always has had a fascination with numbers, especially time.
time.....can be stolen away, make u or break u, never enough
i digress
very sensitive child though, gets a lot of flack from his sisters. hard being a boy in a house full of women.
never forget when my own father called him a punk. i went the hell off!! came close to calling him out his name. forgive me. needless to say, he won't refer to his grandson as a 'punk' again. and if a punk means being sensitive to the world or likes picking his mother flowers. or still snuggling with me even if he is 11. or likes brushing my hair....then shit a punk we ALL should be. dont get me wrong i worry constantly of his acrobatics, just how does he move his body like that. he would love dashade. he will stare any perceived enemy in the eye, does not backdown for anything. scary how he looks inside of you. and don't put any game controller in his hand. he will have u crying to your own mother for help.lol.
my son
he grabbed me last night and just held onto me, as if he knew my pain inside. he said mommy u r so soft and i love the way u smell. blush. i love u. i love u too mommy. u r the best mommmy in the world. i laugh. i am the only mommy u have. i know, but if i had another one, u still would be the best.
sigh
sigh
my son
my legacy
my heart
my reason

an open convo to myself

i hurt enough as it is (u need to b stronger like me)but i thought he would understand, he always does, he said he knows me like no other (well maybe he chooses not to know u any longer)he said he has his own demons (no, what he was saying was f*** you u r own your own, no longer wants to be bothered)but....(but what? u could of been found days later, and he didn't even call to check on you)
nevermind (exactly....cut the ties)but....(but what? cut the fu***** ties)easier said than done (here stupid i have scissors)
why would they lie? (did u really expect them to be there?)yes i did (well i knew they weren't coming)but why lie about it or make up excuses? (did u really think they would surprise you this time and be front and center, someone u can count on?)yes i did, i keep trying you know (well stop, its exhausting)but they are my parents (and?)my family (and?)you are very harsh (no just thicker skinned than u, i have watched them all my life, been there with you through it all....my skin has been thickening since the womb)
are u serious? (yes, how do u think i developed so much faster than u?)i'm trying, i just want acceptance from them (laughing...well u will put yourself in an early grave trying to get that from them)u are cold? (no not cold, well...maybe, but i have to just to survive...in order for US to survive...sighing)
i love u
i know
i love u too

conversation standing barefoot on 135 @ 1am

me: hi
officer: how r u?
me: fine
officer: i pulled u over because your registration has expired
me: yes sir
officer: may i see you dl, proof of registration, and insurance please
me: yes sir (shit im gone...handed him id, insurance, and registration)
officer: you don't have an license?
me: not anymore sir
officer: how old r u?
me: 37 sir
officer: you know better right?
me: yes sir i do
officer:hold on (walks to his car)
me: (crap i'm soooo gone)
officer: ma'am do u have shoes on?
me: no sir
officer:can u put them on?
(now i know im gone)
me: my shoes were killing me sir, do i have to put them back on
officer: thats up to u, please come back here with me
(i turn to put my phone down....female cop smiling at me from passenger side...where the hell did she come from?...her hand was on her gun...images of me getting my head blown off...images of others getting the same fate)
officer: have u been drinking tonite?
me: yes sir
officer: how many?
me: one drink sir.........(YEAH RIGHT)
officer: have u had any illicit drugs tonite?
me: no sir........(YEAH RIGHT)
officer: then u wouldn't mind if i have my dog come and search your car
me: no sir not at all(trying not to flinch, calling his bluff.....there really was no dog)
officer: where r u coming from?
me: antonios
officer: u wk there?
me: no sir, i am a poet...we have an open mic every wednesday (crap just told him how to find me....wondering if i should invite him to the showcase on sat?)
officer: you know if i really want to push the issue i would say that tag on your window is illegal
me: the green one sir?
me: yes sir, you would be right
officer: thank u for your honesty (then proceeds to issue me 4 citations)
officer: please take care of these before next month okay
me: i will sir, thank u
officer: have a good night ma'am
me: the same to u sir
crap crap crap double crap
so honesty is the best policy
anybody got a money tree i can have?

i can't find the words

i have been in a writing funk lately. bits and pieces come to me, nothing ever completed. though in a funk, i feel something brewing just below the surface...like watching a pot boil on simmer. my fellow poet and friend, who i also claim my big brotha b has been such an inspiration for me. he is one of the few people in my life that require nothing of me but to just 'be'. so we got together last night for a one on one writing lab. did some good...the piece he is working on is phenomenal...and i hope he shares it soon w/the rest of us. we gave one another subjects and words to use -so here it goes-in progress of course:
Open notebook
pages before me-empty
empty like a mother's arms awaiting her firt born
who will never return from war
the silence of my mind
of my own pen
is deafening
i cant find the words

nouns, verbs, metaphors and similies
play hide and seek within the corners of my mind
and i'm always it
laid out
stretched too thin
i torment myself
with this game of cat and mouse
only to be trapped inside a cage with no bars
a life sentence
i plead for clemency
even parole will do

at night i pray to the poet gods for clarity
lay sacrifices of cannibus at their feet
they tease me in my sleep
speak to me in whispers and ironies
with promises of tomorrow you will write
only to allude one more time come mornng light
i feel like i'm failing fast
feriously fighting for a poet's faith
only to freefall thru my own mind
like alice in wonder land

doubt feels these pages
i know what it is to be blind
for i see nothing
i just cant find the words
abandoned by my own or was it mutiny?
for stagnancy and mediocracy have taken over
like a virus invading the thought process only to process nothing
i need an injection to cure this viral infection of writer's block

i want to become my own surgeon
extract my brain
dissect my memories
let the past and present spill onto this paper
take my heart out
give it a beat
a cadence
extract my soul
give it life
amputate my hands
so it will grab you and pull you in
sever my veins
let the blood fll my pen
recreate who it is i am
was
or yet to be
....................................not finished

Observing thru the haze w/in my mind

wedneday night i did not partake in the feast of the-as usual-hot azz mic. several reasons as to why. it was quite an interesting experience just merely watching. i had to leave my seat and stand against the wall to really take it all in. People never fail to amaze me....and poets, well we are in a league of our own. i saw perfection ats its peak, saw some who just needed to be heard, saw weights lifted and burdens shifted. i saw the timid hide what they dare not read, of you i say comeback please.i saw how some crave the mic, for it is the only place they are able to be heard. i saw smiles, grimaces, rolling of the eyes, and tears fall. i saw myself then, now, and where i want to be, in all of these faces. i am coming to yet another crossroad in my life. strange feeling, like traveling on a path made but no stones unturned yet, the setting sun at your back and the moon is your only source of light. bring a light jacket, winds of change are coming.
i feel her screaming at me w/in the lining of my soul. she is tired of my own mediocracy, has always expected more of me...yet i always let myself down. she has words dying to be heard, but will i die before they are heard?
i feel her fire burning, but i keep water by my pen....why?
pray for the poet god's to sacrifice my soul for her freedom...for her words to be heard.

sunshine, fuzzy slippers, and laughter til it hurts

So it was moving day for me again. Bitter sweet. Left a place i love, left a friend i will miss hanging out w/in the kitchen or across the pool table. Will miss an amazing young man (always will be auntie)and a beautiful lil girl who says "Hi shelle" with the utmost enthusiasm. I didn't plan on asking anyone to help, i don't do very well in that particular dept. But a ray of sunshine refused to listen to my solo move and came anyway. Thank God! I don't know what i would of done w/o Sarah. She came down thurs. night.late night snacks along w/ late night smokey smoke. Watched the most amazing light show take place among the clouds in a jet black night sky. Reminded me of the scene in Close Encounters, when the mother ship was behind the clouds. Hmm i wonder. Anyway, tried to watch a dvd. I fell asleep, and of course started the most annoying habit-snoring. damn i hate that about myself. where are those dang nose strips! Woke up early friday. rushed across town to take my son to 6th grade orientation. bittersweet as well. i realize i have no more babies in elementary. growing up so fast, and i still want to hold on and scream slow down dammit!! my fraile lil man looks so helpless to me among these giants in middle school. but of course that is from a mother's perspective.he keeps smiling, and i keep hugging, w/ a solitary tear waiting to fall and a huge lump in my throat....
now off to pick up my keys!!
I don't know who is more excited, myself or sarah. her enthusiasm is infectious. hence i call her "my sunshine." We take a quick peek at my new spot. YES!! give each other high 5 and do the happy dance.So we load up. let me tell you this sistah can move some shiznit!!what i didn't pack in boxes. she threw in heavy steel garbage bags, and i mean threw it in there. coming down the stairs looking like a red faced santa clause with sacks slung over her shoulder!Sarah's Moving Service-real cheap/real fast!!
We did it though. did it through much sweat. who in the hell said i wanted 2nd floor-oh yeah that would be me. we laid out on the floor among a smokey haze.smile.took a shower.no not together, what the hell were YOU thinking, huh?
got dressed, 'cause it was time to grub. headed over to cheddar's and ate up some stuff. they have the most amazing onion rings. still haven't tried my girl 13's favorite-Monte Cristo, but i will get around to it. damn waitress was irritating the hell out of sarah, but she left her a tip anyway.
hit up wally-world, cause when i say i'm starting over...believe me I'm starting over. it is amazing just the basics you need, forget the frills...find me a damn pot and a plate to eat off of. okay so we got one frill--matching outrageous furry rainbow slippers!!! which we wore playing Catch Phrase, and even did a jig...cause i was happy.
there is nothing like gut hurting,face turning red,tear flowing-laughter w/ a girlfriend. oh yeah w/matching outrageous furry rainbow slippers too, no doubt.
we passed out around 1am.
like i said, i'm glad she came up and helped out...otherwise i would still be moving. side bar-13 forgive me for not letting u know, thought i had told u i was moving, i know u would of helped if i had asked, my bad...still love me?
so now i'm here in my new spot. a continuation of this fabulous journey i call my life.seems steps are finally going up and forward, rather than down and backwards for a change.
Sunshine always has a way of saying the best affirmations to me. Her spirit and heart is of gold, and i will say thanks my melanin challenged sistah for everything you are, and everything you mean to me.xxoo
Sunshine stretched out her arms and said "I see much growth happening w/in these walls for you."
i smile like the angels had just whispered in my ears.
yep, i think so too....i think so too.