Thankful

-for the Divine always blessing always guiding
-for new beginnings
-for deep love
-for forgiveness and understanding...of others...of self
-for the greatness of my kids
-for the uniqueness of my kids
-for open and honest conversations
-for family
-for open arms
-for open hearts
-for self love...one day at a time
-for cool days and nights
-for sisterhood, though i have none by birth
-for introspection and new growth
-for wanting to get through the hard stuff
-for new layers peeled back

fall is coming, well as best as Texas can produce a Fall. at least it will take the edge off this sometimes unbearable heat, perhaps even take the edge off of mine.
Life is interesting, and always has proven to be. i stop saying "crazy," eventhough it could still be said; but by saying "interesting" means there is something unique and/or positive that will come of it...and that is growth.that is strength. that is painful lessons. that is forgiveness. that is introspection and overstanding. that is being still, listening to God and finding peace. that is still loving.
and i do
it is really simple actually.
just because certain people who were once my ace boo koo feel the need to keep poison on their tongues, and i choose to remove myself from their bulls-eye does not mean i have taken my love away.
just means i am protecting my sanity. protecting love. protecting my heart. i don't want it hardening or changing like my trust factor has diminished.
i have gone through several mourning stages after realizing certain parts of me were changing or dying . To realize things you once loved about yourself had to be curtailed because of someone else's actions, physically has caused me pain in its withering.
i have retreated, like a wounded animal licking her wounds; but far from being the victim. it is in the retreat where i will resurrect what i once so loved. i have no choice right now but to remain still. wait, scratch that...we always have a choice...in EVERY situation...so...i choose to remain still right now.
God is there
love is there
and she is there....she.is.there. and wherever she is...that is where you will find me.
this my friends is my truth, and no one knows my truth but i, everyone else has their own interpretations of my truth, which i find hurtfully hilarious.
it is what it is.
i do me...and i do me well...you know the rest.
i think if folks KNEW my truth, or took the time to get to know ME not other's words, they would be quite surprised and ashamed at how it differs from what they think. i have a sick fantasy of them lining up one by one, tear streaked face, some falling to their knees, apologizing for all their transgressions. i often have been impressed, though often broken into pieces because of it, of the creativity and cleverness of the wicked web's weave.
the closest one's have the ugliest designs.
oh if you knew...lol...it would be quite ironic actually.
yet details are not necessary, when others have their own colors to paint my life.
i throw my hands up, not in defeat but in enough! i refuse to comply.
those who refuse to let the weeds fill their ears, and choose to see my actions for their own will love me as love is suppose to be.
we all got our fucked up shit. i claim mine darling...do you?
so the wolf retreats to the cave of her heart, healing and rejuvenating, becoming stronger in a gentler warrior kind of way. Yet careful, a wounded animal is most dangerous.She is fiercely protective of her cubs, and the alpha Zeus who reigns beside her...i will do what is necessary for our survival.

Still On My Journey

i am a child of God, who has been given some very special gifts. the older i am becoming, the more aware i am of them. and the more aware i am of them, well i am truly a blessed woman to be chosen in this manner.
now i do know we all are given gifts, but not all of us want them or their responsibility...or remain still enough to learn them.
this is the process i am in now...learning them more...honing my skills i guess you could say.
The Universe is Divine
seek what has always resided within you, outside resources are not necessary.

Grateful

--for The Divine and She
--for my children, they really are awesome
--for my Brandy, and finally finding the love i have always wanted to have
--for US, and finally being able to give the kinda loving i thought would never return.
--for making me believe again
--for those who truly care
--for strangers who obviously were angels, thank you
--for our journey together, and as individuals
--for the soundness of Bluequisha, man she be moving
--for the lil things that bring so much joy
--for alone time
--for her touch
--for growth and really looking in the mirror we hold up for one another
--for loving those who play the game of loving me...its ok, it is what it is
--for trusting myself
--for being unique, and its okay folks don't get me...she does
--for those who choose to bad mouth me and spread gossip, yes it is hurtful and i've shed many tears (even lately)...but i am learning and rising above it
--for forgiveness, still learning this one...but learning non the less
--for letters of hope
--for my creativity, my gift
--for prayer...it is a must
--for forks in the road that always lead back

i want to crawl into your mouth
into that space between sour and sweet
to taste the words you speak of me
swing like tarzan from your uvula
and do a tuck n roll upon your tongue
curl and vibrate against soft pallet
let me explore your ivory towers
your cracked foundations
and explore thy caves
to remember the sweetness

you wounded me
yet i don't know why
i loved you
perhaps more than you loved you
perhaps more than i loved me
not any longer
i am done.
my arms are tired of reaching between the blades
fingers nicked to the bone
did you acquired the taste of my own blood
more than yours?
did you enjoy the smell of my tears
since they reminded you of authentic?
what was it about me you hated so much?
what was it about you i loved so much?
let me count the ways...
i had your back
even when your bully eye was on mine
did the first cut cause you to salivate?
did the healing cause you to smile?
did curiosity make you crave the cut again?
i get it
but you never got me
cause i love you
and it sux that i still do.
funny thing is...
well its just funny i choose to write about this on THIS day.

Lookie what we are doing...

so finally got the travel blog up...check it out...link is over there on side...Gypsy Travelz