Last Grateful Wednesday of 2006

--for sunshine making it safely thru the bad weather, and to her family
--for hot n spicey drinks, fireplaces, good munchies, good people, stimulating conversations, and GREAT poetry jam sessions
--for ms. j's beautiful voice
--for hearing him smile again thru the phone
--for our poetry still feeling sacred...and we treat it as such
--for not stressing this christmas
--for the smiles on my children's faces and their snuggly hugs
--for sitting under the stars with my lil brother(not so lil), and just laughing and talking...he is adorable and cool as hell...wouldn't trade him for the world
--for facing some of my fears, and not running
--for facing some of my fears and running...acknowledgement is enough right now
--for making choices that are nurturing to my spirit
--for the endless possibilities coming in the new year
--for wanting to be better, instead of just safe

broken wishbones
cracked promises
soft lies
easy swallowed

open heart

closed eyes

tunnel vision

blurred choices

stinging wounds

cancerous friends

benign love

black undersides

untouched memories

not ready

need time

need wings

new beginnings

yesterday returns

wishful thinking

hinders flight

darkened mentality

screams redemption

forgiveness vital

forgetting unintentional

tainted tongue

shadowed eyes

indian giver

trust taker

knees bent

desperate heart

humble prayer

peaceful sleep

Even in Storms There Are Blessings...

-for the fact you still love me
-for the fact i still love you
-for being able to spend lots of quality time with the kids
-for seeing them grow so beautifully...i got it right this time
-for hanging out and just being giggly girls
-for laughing so hard my stomach hurt
-for wings and brownies
-for the music of D'Angelo...lawd lawd
-for embracing the pain
-for the words that flow into my healing
-for your smile
-for taylor styling my hair, bringing memories of my own childhood doing mommy's hair
-for him wanting you...the power of it all lol
-for feeling a change coming...i'm scared...but willing
-for knowing it will be okay eventually
-for hot apple cider

Fuck You for Saying Snap Out Of It!!

it seems the dark days are returning, yet i don't know why at this time it has chosen to seep back in. like i said before, i believe it never really leaves us...we just learn to manage it better. or disguise it as something else. most days are better than others...but i feel it, and i am trying to push it back.
forgive me, because it is also showing up in the(my) writing...perhaps that is a good damn thang. so bare with me while i bare with myself..

he watches
as he always has
waiting
patiently
with soulless eyes
for her to give him hers
or at least another piece
for he has collected her
only in small doses
which he hides in a crystal box
made of salted tears
opens it daily
masterbating to her pain

acquired a taste for her
starting at an early age
dipped ragged nails into innocence
tasting the sweetness of youth
enjoyed the music of her cries
became the invisible playmate
for often she was left alone

he took her voice
placed it in the fragile box
knowing it would be her strength
but he could not allow her to be heard
soft spoken--if she even speaks at all

she learned early to exist in pain
for this was not living
found false hope in a child
never to leave her womb whole
sucked into brown sludge
as tiny fingers desperately
held onto the cord binding them
as they both were torn to pieces

he kept her close
to feed his hunger
and her drunken steps
kept him satisfied...........
(of course not finished, perhaps its best)

because the darkness never really leaves...does it...?

i want to take your pain
reach deep inside the heart of your hell
plunge both hands in its sponge
that soaks you in daily
rip it from its existance and squeeze the dead out of it
so life can come back into dark eyes
(where reflections no longer exist)
let it seep into the ground where fathers lay
and where i should bury hers
for you hold much too tightly to a legacy
not belonging to you
there is comfort in the pain though
cradling you into nightmares
playing games in the blood left on the floor
too many pieces to play with
not enough players
therefore demons play you often
and the company is appreciated

let me have the pain
enter inside these walls
until my womb absorbs this madness
fertilizing with my own sadness
together let it grow
let it grow
let it grow
until soft insides split
and this heart explodes
ripping my existance apart
so i may rain down on you
covering your beautiful face
with transfered grace
freeing you from an internal prison
with keys, windows, and doors
found only within eyes
of agape......

'Tis The Season

-for Neo being HOT last week, thanks to the ladies (big smile)...oh and Marcel did the thang fo sho!
-for hanging with you, as if no gliches ever happened
-for good drinks, good laughs, and good dancing
-for reconnecting with family members at my cousin's homegoing service...why is that?
-for feeling your spirit surround me, as i remembered laying in your lap during church service while sucking on peppermints
-for missing you still so much it hurts, but letting the feeling come
-for old boyfriends wanting to see me...lol like he was my boyfriend at age 7 or 8 lol
-for celebrating all my girl's hard work...yeah for graduating...yeah for parties
-for my son and how he loves me...something about that mother/son bond
-for the words not stopping
-for a good game of Upwords, good drinks, and good laughs with you 3...and a half (lil ms princess)
-for the beauty in your precious lil smile
-for the magic cup
-for strong beautiful women, even in pain and disappointment...beautiful
-for being witness to the love Eb & Flo have for one another....makes me still believe
-for seeing the progress i am making with Me

-for still loving you, eventhough i don't like you...and its OK

-for those goofy text messages that just make your day...thank you

Please Tell Me How This Makes Sense...

a local elementary school in the area, actually off of 620, is going to relocate their students due to overcrowding. no big deal usually, but this is the part(s) that bother me:
-this will be the 3rd time in 3 years these students have been moved. 3 DIFFERENT schools in 3 years.
-the fact they are elementary children who throughout these formative years, should be able to cultivate bonds with friends, lasting throughout most of their schooling ( i know is was moved around alot too...but still)
-the fact it has been 3 years, and just now something is being done about it. i mean don't they have planning commitees for this type of projection? part of the reason we pay taxes and vote on bonds right?
-oh and two of my favorite reasons why this crap is really bothering me.....
#1, guess what? the huge majority of these kids are MINORITIES...hmmm not really surprising is it?!
#2, and this is the end all to end all...so adding/building more space to the existing school is out of the question (but prisons are being expanded on a daily basis)
and 3 yrs ago no one thought of "hey, let's build a new school so our students can thrive and have a condusive learning environment." (but new prisons are being built as i type this)
noooooo see all of the above would be too much like right (as friend of mine says). so where are they going to place these lovely young children, you ask?
shaking head even now in disgust: how about in an abandoned CHEMICAL TESTING PLANT!!!!!!!
But the building is so much closer to where they live, the administrator's say.
really? as if that is suppose to make it ok?
i mean really, seriously are you serious? who knows what these children will be exposed too w/in those walls or what will they come into contact with while playing in the dirt at the playground!!
No, i don't know what chemicals had been tested at this site, but does it really matter?!
I'd be curious to see the statistics of ailments and health issues these students have in the future.
this is not the first time, of course not, minority children have had less than adequate learning conditions all over this fine nation, Where No Child Shall Be Left Behind and It Takes A Village, right? riiiiiight! I know of another campus (here in atx) where radio active waste had been found in the playground, and after a brief dig it was discovered it had been built on top of a dumping ground. nothing really done, fresh dirt added and the playground was shortened. lol...yep
why why why why is this okay?

Conversations with Self and Me...So Much Work Left To Do...But I'm Doing It

hey
yeah?
we need to talk
about...?
your heart
my heart?
yes your heart
what about it?
i'm tired of holding it together...
***************************
Her intentions are not of a soft shell
but she likes the way time has worn her edges
soft and smooth,
as she runs a finger across life
feeling rounded curves at each turn
occasionally jagged peaks protrude
not yet eroded by healing tears
instead filling the valleys
deepening on each side-
either she drowns daily
or floats,
searching for an olive branch in the debris left behind
not realizing the debris will stick to her edges
strengthen her walls
eventually,
she will be able to carve a door to walk through
or open a window to breathe-
even in darkness
stained glass is beautiful.
***********************
but it is so hard to see beauty
in cracked reflections
only ugliness and distortion make sense
altered reality plays tricks with truth
past life creates present lies
only to dine on self
because her world is starving
with only spoonfuls of emptiness to feed her.
binging on whatever scraps
are thrown her way
gorging on rancid sweet trash
until her womb is so heavy with self-hatred
she must ram her heart into her throat
to purge it all away.
acidic lies burn as they rush through her insides
past her silent tongue
only the sickening sound of a broken heart can be heard
as it slams into the vomit it helped create.
she picks up the pieces as always
trying to scrape away the cancer festering inside
diligently chipping away the hardening plaque
using what she just expelled from her throat
as a binding glue
not realizing though the pieces fit,
slightly,
never quite the same really,
she will continue to decay from the inside
leaving only a soft shell
that no one can love
not even her self.

Gratitude is an Attitude....

-for writing again...its flowing again and i love being at its mercy
-for getting the tree up this year nov. 30th...never has been that early
-for decorating with my family, very special moments
-for text messages to make you laugh when you most need it
-for real female friendships
-for night skys that just seem to glow lately
-for knowing just a bit of you
-for recognizing everything and everyone sometimes has a season, always a reason, not necessary to hold onto
-for playing Boggle with Kami
-for passion that still burns
-for my cousin Bobbi, she put up a good fight, but He took her home yesterday evening...now you can rest ma
-for you wanting to share your words with me, and wanting my opinion....meant a lot
-for family for family for family
-for snuggles
-for for my brother introducing me as his beautiful sister...awww
-for eating just a little better...got to start somewhere
-for poetry and those who keep it sacred

working on this one...

i am not what i was
much more than i am
standing here with a voice that can make love to minds
creating mental foreplay and orgasmic rhythms
to tease and satisfy all that they crave...
unable to satisfy my own cravings
so i search deep inside
among the clutter and chaos
for a new voice to be heard

it is here,
upon my shoulder where my heart sits
absorbing blows fists have missed
teetering on the brink of exhaustion
catching wayward tears these eyes have banished
reminding my head to sit squarely
as the weight of my world bares down.

it is here,
in my hands that still grasp at rainbows
and silver linings
while battered fingers hold rusty needles
to patch fraying seams
within this thinning soul
and the pen beckons to be a catalyst.

it is here,
between my legs
where tips of fingers were licked clean of innocence.
buried children here...
once by my own shovel, twice by God's
with no eulogy to speak of.
pulled my tribe from here-my namesakes, beautiful and strong.
finally self worth closed the temple doors to jokers and thieves

it is here,
just behind shades of indigo
where visual wisdom senses what cannot be seen
cast insight into yesterday, today and possibilities

it is here,
behind bolted doors
with keys strung across rib cages
in dark basements of my mind
on stairs leading to nowhere
all swept under tattered rugs
trying to ignore which seeps through threads
of much walked upon

it is here,
deep inside where the child still dreams
still cries in the corner
who runs to the woman
who has often fell from grace
who is covered by wings
with prayers etched into each quill

my voice is here
whispering through the chaos
praying through the silence
.........

Because I Was Inspired

i make wishes of you upon comet's tails
with promises of fleeting reality
to feel the passion burn in my heart
tattooed within the ashes...

tonight moonbeams brought us closer
wrapped tight in it's magic
our tides synchronized
a fluidity of necessity never lost

i released my butterflies upon your lips
dancing down your throat
to keep company with your own
their is strength in numbers

held me so close
i could feel our wings fluttering in your chest
taking turns playing with heartbeats
an effect caused long ago, felt now

your eyes always looking past the obvious
searching for any residue left of you
instead, we found us
lost within one another

one hand playing in curls
as the other traces my neck
finding its way to supple breasts
mouth indulges on raspberry candy

pushing my pain threshold back further
satin sweetly calling your name
welcoming what is meant for me
feeling the wetness ebbing for you

it seems our bodies defy this plane
having trouble keeping grounded
sexual animation suspended within rhythm
celestial love seeded in rich earth

watered by orgasmic moans and screams
angels blush at their voyeuristic creation
kiss the red glow into my cheeks
soften your chest for my face

knowing they will never have what they created
to feel the warmth in my well
or the intoxication of your lips
they fly as close as they can to taste heaven

and they weep.

Another One So Soon

-for words in need of existance
-for phone calls...just because you wanted to say hello
-for singing so off key, but oh so cute "i just called to say...."
-for decorating for Christmas
-for finding great treasures to add to my home
-for Craig's List
-for hanging out with my brother
-for a lil sanity...i said a lil
-for life
-for prayer
-for my cousin getting out of intensive care
-for my brother walking away untouched from an accident he shouldn't of...thank you thank you!
-for your fingers in my hair
-for understanding my weakness and insecurities
-for quiet moments
-for teaching moments in your negativity...i am stronger than you think i am
-for bannana foster's icecream pie...my new favorite recipe

Look What I Forgot....

looked at my calendar, sorry people


Happy Birthday to Amy

Happy Birthday to Eboni

Happy Birthday to Ms Jo

and Happy Thankgsiving to everyone!!

Soooo Much THANKS to GIVE N this life....clever huh lol

-for meeting such interesting people on this journey
-for laughs with my kids
-for good poetry
-for loving the skin i'm in
-for not obsessing over weight anymore, like i hear so many do...it can take over your life
-for warm hugs on cold nights
-for my new sandals, yes i know its almost winter...but i get them cheaper in the off season lol
-for caramel apples...yum
-for my son's sense of humor having his mother bent over in laughter in the middle of a store
-for my family together on Thanksgiving...priceless
-for my daddy asking if i had both my feet left, 'cause i put both of them in the food i had prepared...lol
-for satisfied faces and satisfied bellies
-for my oldest daughter's boyfriend, he seems to calm her spirit...plus he is a comedian, and a nice guy...guess he is a'ight (as t said)
-for chivalry
-for dancing slowly in his arms in the middle of the store, and the horrified look of taylor when she saw us lol
-for out of sight out of mind
-for love
-for my grey ghost, the butterfly mobile is back!
-for my daughter's creativity
-for christmas ornament shopping and taylor's excitement
-for family, its so good, had to say it twice

For It All Is A Good Thing...

-for my 14 yr old realizing she didn't like the silly mental games her boyfriend was playing...so she broke up with him...she is a smart girl indeed
-for exploring new avenues in life, and loving the detours
-for great report cards
-for sharing in a grand celebration for 3 up and coming young gospel rappers
-for reconnection
-for tears of joy
-for you always showing up, even if it means lingering in the background (i always know u r there)
-for still smiling like a school girl when i see you
-for you saying my glasses were sexy...why thank you
-for changing my mind, and opting for jazz with jazzman...good choice
-for team practice...dang its been awhile, but we still groove well
-for my brother's long awaited screen time...he is so cute
-for my new computer desk
-for purging stuff and junk, so i can create a new, more peaceful beautiful environment for my family...for love
-for elbow to elbow game playing action....HAHA i won again!
-for your lol text messages

Another Wednesday of Gratitude, though Everyday I AM

-for experiencing life through a poet's eyes
-for going forward when so many others said no, or added roadblocks
-for one incredible trip
-for looking people in the eye, and touching their hand...we all should do this more often...its honest
-for traveling grace, prayers, and well wishes....thank you thank you
-for my glasses
-for my babies....they are simply incredible
-for knowing she is okay
-for strong arms to hold alllllllll this
-for seeing i have a gift, and believing it finally
-for you creeping into my dreams, its safer there so yeah i understand
-for that "feeling" again
-for my daddy's laugh...he turned 64 saturday
-for my daddy being so proud of his babygirl...he tells me now
-for cheering with Taylor's friends @ football game...they think i'm cool lol
-for my mother's happy tears after reading my lil' book of poetry
-for text messages that make me laugh
-for Joss Stone's voice OMG!
-for realizing some people are exactly what they show you (though their words will swear they are not), but its okay...learning to love and admire at arm's length
-for books of encouragement and strength....i heart you
-for you calling just to hear my voice, in need of a poem...(we had some good times, huh?)
-for family for family for family for family for family for family for family
-for holding hands while making love
-for deep sweet kisses lasting a lifetime
-for still believing in yesterday
-for NeoSoul tonight....been missing

Haiku...that's all

my choice is, of me
reaching deeply for sweet peace
now dance within love

This Story Is Not Yet Over, But Just Beginning...

dragged B out once more into this beautiful city. of course, out to some mountain and natural setting...pick that over shopping any day. saw the petroglyphs, ancient drawings of the Pueblo people atop an inactive volcano...question...if inactive why the hell these rocks still feel very very VERY warm, while about 50/60 degrees outside? of course i climbed to the top, while B went half way then once again stated, 'shelle ya on your own'. lol...yep love my adventurous spirit...how else to experience the beauty of this life right?
later that evening headed out to our second feature in town, Central Avenue Reading, that takes place at local coffee shop...serves very good chai by the way.
totally different crowd. average age around 55/60. very literary. very distinguished. read from their own published works. B and i realized we will have to revamp our show. no i say NEO, you say SOUL!! here lol... i wore my glasses, yes glasses! you know, trying to fit the part. though i did one of my performance pieces (more subdued of course), it was nice to do the rest of my set reading from my book. i was reading one of my more sensual pieces, when i realized i was coming across a certain erotic passage, started to panic a lil thinking damn these are my grandparents in here. sped up the piece a lil, lol, but also could see the elderly gentlemen perking up a bit LOL LOL. too funny. B did a very good set, in fact one of the best...something about not being rushed or in a heightened state ya know. He had those women remembering the old days. lol Ms Dale passed the basket around, church style....not bad at all plus sold more product.
i wished i could of stayed longer with these folks. most have led fascinating lives. so enriched even now, with such great stories to tell. i pray in my own older years i have just as many fascinating tales to tell to people along my path.
still whispering my thank you's into the universe.
hung out with more poets at a local bar. more great conversations, drinks, great laughs, good food (though they don't know what it means to eat wings!), and overall outstanding meeting of the minds.
poets are cool people....that is if you leave ego's (haven't i said that already lol) and open your mind to the moment.
said our goodbye's. damn. last night. B grabbed my hand as we walked through a tunnel to the car, and said "MichelleDesiree..." and i said "Brian Francis...," then together we said " we did it..."...yeah we did...yeah we did.
it was time to go though, we both were missing family something awful!
hit the road for home...home, hmm such a sweeter word these days...around 10am friday morning. snuck in the front door around a quarter to midnight. (no one, but Tarik knew i was coming home). nothing like loving arms around you...nothing like his arms.
my dad's birthday was in 15min. i was his present he said....awwwwww
my beautiful son come's running down the hall and leaps into my arms, kissing me repeatedly, holding me like i was a brand new xbox 360...and if you knew my son...lol...that was a strong hold.
taylor then runs and hugs me just crying her lil eyes out. wow they really made their mom feel good.
nothing as sweet as a family's love...sigh...home sweet home
does it get any better than this?...i guarantee it does
watch and see....
smile

Native Love, Poetry & Beer

Catching up on my blogging, so i have posted 2 others below besides this one...
Wednesday morning, B and I performed for two classes at the Native American Charter Academy (NACA). We knew it would be fun working with the kids, but didn't realize just how important this day would be for both of us.
The school is less than a year old, the student population 90% Native American, a place where they spirits can be nurtured and grow, where they can feel like the norm and not the outcast.
the students were so excited to see us. Their teacher, Ms. Emily, had been talking about slams, poetry, and even showed them a few clips of def poetry jam and Taylor Mali. Ms. Emily is a budding poet herself, but has never read on an open mic...ah but we took care of that soon enough. The first class was a group of 6th graders and a whole lot of fun. The boys were more outspoken, while the few females stayed quiet.
i could see their hesitation, so i tried much as possible to keep them involved. I made sure to let them know they have a voice, and how important it is for them to realize this fact. it had taken so long for me to find my own ya know.
B and I did a couple of pieces, then taught a mini writing workshop. they were very receptive and so eager to share. B brought them up to the front of the room like rock stars...you could just see them shining...and shine they did! The words these kids wrote were simply amazing. police problems, drugs, alcohol, being different, pleading for change....and they are 11/12 year olds. wow...very humbling. We gave each of them promo posters, which of course, they wanted autographed. they were the stars, not us.
grabbed a quick bite to eat at a Thai resteraunt, then returned for the second class...i wasn't ready for what was to come.
the kids 7th graders, just a yr or two older. B and i did the same format as before, but the outcome totally different. several topics were put on the board (they chose first or strongest memory), they picked one, then letters chosen, then 3 words for each letter-only had to choose 2 from each letter, then given about 10 minutes to write. one by one they got up there and just ripped my heart out. i felt the tears coming, tried desperately to hold them back, but no...and even some of the kids in class couldn't contain themselves. they spoke of losing their brother, their fathers, fathers who were killed or just left, of grandmother's, of the pain of just living, of a mother's love. it was heart wrenching, but it seemed...needed. wounds were opened, but the tears cleansed.
i read a piece about my grandmother and baking lemon cookies, almost couldn't get through it myself. miss her so. but i realize exposing myself like that, gave another the courage to read about her own grandmother. a very shy beauty, who needed her friend to hold her hand as she read. when the tears started, she moved closer to her strength and she held her as she read...we were all a mess by the time she finished. it was so moving. some of the students just couldn't stop crying...the dam had been opened. they had put a voice to some deep seeded pain, and this was probably the first time they have had the opportunity to deal with it.
a love circle was needed before the class was dismissed, just to make sure everyone would be okay...shoot was i?
the spirit was moving in there, it was moving....i pray they keep writing through the pain and just fly. it was hard leaving them, but we will be back and will stay in touch.
sigh...if i never lived another day, they made it all worth it in that small moment. poetry live and in living color.
does it get any better....probably not....well....
B and I rocked the hell out of the District Bar, our first full length feature. We performed 8 pieces. second set Desiree did the love set LOL, and you know she left honey on the mic, and the bees did come. lol. great reactions need i say more!! LOL. after us, was a qualifying slam for IWPS....DAMN could not believe the power on the mic...one of the best slams i have been to in a very long time. did a lot of networking, hung out with some more fantastic poets....but still could not get those babies out of my mind...and i am sure i never will.
more later...

Gratitude on a whole different level....

-for all the unique and beautiful people i have met and reconnected with
-for a great traveling partner, we are good together...not getting on each other's nerves too much
-for seeing life through new eyes
-for good conversations in late night diners
-for being on the same stage with Andrea Gibson
-for no egos
-for meeting Tara, and getting lost in her eyes
-for the sweetness of Ken, think i have a crush on him
-for meeting some of the Deadly Penz, and for them really enjoying our words
-for making great connections
-for my adventurous spirit
-for being so close to God, He kissed me
-for the purity of snow
-for the kid in me
-for the wonderful kids at the Native American Charter Academy...they made it all worth it
-for the inspiration of IWPS @ Poetry and Beer (one of the best slams i have ever seen)
-for Don offering his home to us
-for warm apple caramel pie served by loving hands
-for late night phone calls making me smile
-for tears of i miss you
-for appreciating what's waiting on me at home more
-for believing in me and mine....