Sometimes....

...I wish i wasn't a poet
...I don't want to feel a damn thing
...I deserve a bad day without fucking smiling thru it all
...I wish i was a bird. something really big. I would fly over you and shit in your hair and claw your beautiful eyes out with my talons. I would tear away at your flesh while you watched, but quickly spit your heart out for it tastes like poison.
...it must be said
...i say nothing at all
...i need my Grandma back, but my arms aren't long enough nor my wings strong enough
...i want to laugh til it hurts again
...i want to cry but i can't
...i cry because i no longer laugh
...i laugh to keep from crying
...i just don't make sense
...its okay
...most days its not
...like today, i need you
...i wish i didn't want u so much
...people think they know who i'm talking about
...let them think what they want
...i just don't give a damn
...like today, this is one of those days
...i just need to hide under the covers
...like now...i'm going back to bed

i roll the liquidness of your insanity
between my thumb and forefinger
watch it split
morph
come together again
like mercury drops
play with it
in the palms of my hands
feel it race across life lines
reconnect jagged lines
a bit more

your colors change often
never staying in the rainbows for long
always returning to black
having absorbed so much
there is no room
for any other shade
except for grey
and even that
is much too bright for you

i glide you
along the edges
of my hands
across fingertips
creating trails
leading to nowhere
before i throw your lucidity high
up in the air

for a moment
you had wings
for a moment
thought you would finally fly

soon felt yourself free falling
through non-existant sanity
even the ground pulled back
not wanting to feel your feet

so i caught you

on the tip of my tongue
savored you for a moment
as you eased between my lips
the warmth inside
began to meltaway the darkness

thought i heard you laughing
as you slid slowly
down my throat
for you knew
it was safer there
among the flowers
you once planted

Not Even Tide Can Wash Away Your Dirty Lil Secret

Funny what can be found in pockets while doing the laundry.....

i tried last night to love you, but my heart never showed up. silence hung heavy, like a rain soaked wool sweater draped across our shoulders. eyes never meeting. fork. spoon. food looks good. i want to be somewhere else. wonder what the kids are doing? salt shaker. our yesteryears hung its head in shame. we have become what we said we never would be-strangers. or is it we are just continuing what we have always been-safe obligations? i chose this. i know this. taken my responsibility for this. tired of trying for this. no longer want this.
but...
2 pairs of young eyes watch me. closely. very protective of their patriarchial warrior. i understand. 'cause i once was too. they do not know of his fall from grace, playing with goddesses not his own. daily, i sweep the truth under worn rugs matching the decor in our home. they see only momma's tarnished wings trying to fly from her guilded cage. their false paradise. i try to keep the rain away. push back clouds with lies. create rainbows within my hair. and sunshines within my smiles. sorta like the ones posted on the fridge. but i know you two are smarter than that...i promise this time to do better in your eyes...even if it means worshipping your golden calf.

i lay upon a bed of fear
under stars of forgiveness
watching dreams fade away
on tails of comets
smoke curls from my lips
dancing and twirling
like a ballerina on air
before fading into ethers
of what was
i draw in the air quickly
just to keep her dancing
there will be no encore tonight

refusing to let them fall

held back too long

tears start to ebb
from under toenails
look closely
through transparent skin
which has done well
in chameleon ways

i continue the dance
of yesterday
of today
right into tomorrow
desperately searching
for a copper penny
to place atop destiny's arm
of my life's record
so i can
so i can
so i can
sing a new song

Ask and You Shall Receive....

So a fellow poet and blogger, has it seems, a foot fetish. Not a problem, as long as it does not get out of control. Just remembering recent news report of a woman unlocking her car door, only to feel something licking her feet...not a dog...but a man had been waiting under her car for her...now that is toooooo extreme! I am extremely ticklish on my toes, so he would be missing most of his grill for sure.
Anyway, he posted on his blog a few questions to be answered by the ladies. I like pretty feet too, soooo here goes:
1)What is first priority when purchasing a shoe-looks or comfort?
well, of course, the LOOK
2)What is the most you would pay for a "dress stilletto"?
i have been known to sell unneeded organs for the perfect shoe
3)Which type of shoes do you own more of, "one hour wears" or "all day wears"?
one hour wears
4)What is more important when purchasing a shoe, designer or look?
the look...Prada does not automatically mean cute!
5)Shoe preference-high heel, wedge heel, short heel, or flats?
Higher the better
6)What is most important piece of your wardrobe-shoes, hat, or handbag?
I got a thing for purses too, but i believe the shoes will outdo them all
7)Do you associate cost of shoe with quality?
not at all
8)Is your dress style defined by shoes or clothes?
mainly my clothes, but sometimes i will buy the perfect shoe first then build the outfit around it.
If shoes, how do youre shoes enhance your "look", attitude, or personality?
shoes can make u or break u at times. what is one of the first things we as women do...scan down to the shoes! Sexy cute shoes will enhance an attitude!
9)If you only had $50, which would you choose to purchase-dinner or a pedicure?
dinner
10)How frequent are your pedicures, per month?
i don't like pedicures from a salon, not the best for you...prefer my own. more so in the spring and summer months than fall and winter.
11)How often do you get foot massages?
never enough
12)Is having someone paint your toes sexy, why?
Oh GOD YES!!
Also, would you pay to have it done, if so how much?
uh no, that enjoyment is only between two people who are feeling one another
13)How important is the beautification of your feet to your overall level of confidence?
pretty feet are important but i wouldn't equate it with overall confidence
14)Do you feel sexier when feet are made up?
of course, nothing sexy about crusty-ashy feet
15)Do you wear foot jewelry, ankle bracelets?
i wear a snake toe ring on one foot and silver double band on the other, the band i change out with others at times.
16)If you could purchase a perfume for your feet, what would be the scent?
a combination i already wear...pure seduction and vanilla

Its All Good

Last night was fun to say the least.

all the hard work we have been doing is showing

That Funky Mike Whalen has lit a fire under our asses!

we had a new guy at the spot who slammed. I wanted to shake him and say, "baby lighten up , 'cause it ain't that serious!"
I figure if i ever get to that point...i won't be slamming any longer. geez

Dang that Knowtorious 13 is a bad Mutha...shut yo mouth...i was just going to say how proud i am of her and glad she is my team mate.
we are growing on ya i know...i see ya smiling.

you may not be feeling me, but i just had to give you a kiss on the cheek before i left...just wanted you to know.

Landed another voice-over gig, with an educational software company (yeah thank you Funky Mike).
I am pretty excited about this one, since i will be a couple of characters..and not just the late night radio voice.

so it seems mr bush will slowly start withdrawing troops from iraq. well of course he will...he needs them well rested to send over to Iran and the other lil country with the big mouth and big bomb.
for some reason i wouldn't pick on the lil man.....
does the machismo ever end?

ahhh my baby boy will be turning 12 this saturday.
he is growing into such a wonderful and sweet young man.
sometimes i just can't believe he is mine.
thankyou for making me want to be a better mom.
sigh...am i the only one who does this when our children's b'day's come around?

...continued

...relenquishing obligations
left outside moments ago
caught between a wall
and your hard place
aggression and passion
dance the perfect tango
at times
swallowing whole
at times
sipping in pieces
pulling taboos in
past boundaries

wrists held captive
behind back in one hand
cradled breasts in the other
whispering insanities in my ear
bound by your straightjacket
i am not looking for a way out
as you seduce your way in

satin drops kiss inner thighs
foreshadowing the river cometh
fingertips taste first
slowly gliding this nectar
across ripe raspberries
tongue eagerly
greedily
follows same trail
fingertips want more
again slow strokes
across full pink lips
slightly parted
tasting me on my lips
transferred to your lips
leaves me on the brink of insanity
please
push
me over...

you touch me
beyond my skin
the way he use to

feeling your way past the obvious
searching for the hidden
coaxing pieces of heart
left walked upon
to brush themselves off
and find their way home

licking my edges slowly
melting the hardness
revealing the soft shell
of an inner beauty
in need of possession

i can't breathe
for air has escaped me
only to become captured
within your lips
breathing life back into me
with the words...
"It's okay..."

reality's obligations fading away
like sunsets kissing ocean waters

losing yourself

within my eyes

finding myself

within your grasp

strong hands grabbing locks
pulling the memory of them away
pushing the moment of us faster

intensely exploring
softness of fullness
not use to
pulling away from
too much to handle
"we can't," i say
but words get lost
somewhere between
a bedroom door
and throaty moans

...to be continued

i am officially exhausted! only a few hours of bliss in the form of some much needed sleep than back to the writing/performance lab.

Team....all i can say is WOW!
I love you guys, and i don't care how sappy that sounds!

Dammit I miss my family
this is a summer of GREAT sacrifice, on oh so many levels.

He is going to slip thru your fingers if you don't stop

She is going to slip thru your fingers if you don't get it together

Time heals it all

My official new FAVORITE song....When Is the Last Time You Danced?
must be sung with 4 additional wonderful fantabulous people in unison, in a minivan-down a stretch of highway.

wake me in the morning.....

I Was Tagged....but Forgive Me

I want to write on subject boo...
but lately i have done soooooooooooooooo much writing, i have to soak my fingers and my pen in ice at night just to cool them off.
did i mention i have done a lot of writing lately?
i'm tired. dang neosoul tonight......

darkness casts circles under eyes
stealing the golden green flecks from her iris
like an everlasting eclipse
she waits for the ebb of tides
to change her circumstances
her feet bleeding
from toes gripping
the cutting edge of eternity
soles blistered
from back and forth friction
of indecision
strong winds of change
whip around her body
contort her heart
in ways she never imagined...

Happy Juneteenth

So...as my buddy Joe B. stated...why are we celebrating a day we found out about LATE? Like 2 years late? and some of us still haven't got word!!

Ms FEMA and Ms 13....thank you for the mini vacation.

Its 4 a.m. and I Cannot Sleep....repeated nightly

i stare forward
reading memorized lines of
yesterday
optic nerve imagery
upside down
trying to live life
rightside up
why did it take so long
to find my voice?
because my fingers
were still trying to read
the raised bumps newly forming
along sagging breasts
that nourished babies
along thick thighs
and supple belly
fingers slowly reading
...self love

there are places i do not yet feel the words
places where knots of insecurities grow
i try sometimes to smooth these spots away
kneading the areas around it
sometimes another's touch
stare
words
or memories
cause the knots to bind together
and i must pray to them
to untie me
i have lived most of my life in fear
i figure for the rest of my life
i will try something different

there's a child
who still cries in the corner
of my mind
does not like the sound of opened doors
but afraid of what's behind closed ones
i am still looking for her key

there's a woman
who looks thru the panes
of my eyes
hesitation colors stained glass windows
into an art of incomplete
i am still looking for her masterpiece

there's a warrior
who protects them both
holds me in one arm
fights the darkness with the other
shatters the artform to create a new mold
teaches and guides my hands to the areas
still knotted

why did it take so long
to find my voice?
we have always been here
we will always be here
its just now
you are learning to read the crayon scribbles
you are learning to read the brushstrokes
your pen is our salvation
your pen is our voice
so speak
speak child
speak!

We Spray Twice A Week

location: Buffet Palace- lamar and 183
Tarik sits down with this look on his face that stops me in my tracks.
"Stop eating."
"Huh?"
"Stop eating."
the look on his face...
i instantly became ill.
whatever it was, i knew it was about to be something to make me wish we had never stepped into this place.
uh, yeah i was right...
walking towards the front door, desperately trying to keep the food i had recently injested, 'cause my mind was like "go ahead just puke right here in front of everybody, they WILL understand"
i passed tarik speaking with the manager and pointing to something on the buffet.
nope i don't want to know...
he caught up with me outside, 'cause remember i needed the air or was going to puke.
"You are going to tell me something to make me sick aren't you?"
he had gone over to the sushi bar, and there and behold was a couple of roaches crawling around on the sushi...as if they were part of the decorations.
bold asses!
didn't even run for cover when the manager came over
his response, "WE SPRAY TWICE A DAY"
uh, if you have to spray twice a day....you have got a fucking problem!
not said to him outloud...should of been!
then t turns around and points to another area where a few others are hanging out, chopsticks in hand, in a DIFF-ER-ENT part of the buffet.
Manager profusely apologizes. told us we did not have to pay...uh as if we would have paid to eat roaches anyway?
might be a delicassey to some, and i often try new things....but this is where i cross the line!!
all together now...."YUCK"
where?
there!
Buffet Palace

These Poets Are Crazy...That Would B Me...Us

Many years ago, a friend offered to have you just disappear...i declined...dammit where is his # now?
your website profile says "proud father, and we are all fathers ...just doing our part."
and what part would that be?
oh yeah you did leave some sperm behind!!
i swear if i ever see you again....God have mercy on you...cause i sure the fuck won't!

I love soy milk! has to be really cold though...plus the kids love it too!
I have done pretty well without the meat thing. On the occassion i will have chicken, and of course fish...sorry can't give up the shrimp!!
I don't know what is different this time around, but a switch or something has definitely been turned on...or perhaps off.
i can't stand seeing bones sticking out of fleshy things i use to love to eat!
Mike is smiling right now

after a hard day's work, running up and down stairs, sweat beading down your cheeks...ones below...collecting under your nut sack...
i know u r tired, but is it toooooooo much to ask for u to wash your ass!
like do u wonder why we haven't....nevermind TMI!! LOL

I wish my dad would get a girlfriend.
OMG and if i see him wearing that straw hat and Hawaiian shirt one more time
....hmmmm perhaps this is the reason there is no girlfriend...

i see the bats flying around at night in my backyard..where the heck are they going in the daytime?
bats in my bellfree...lol...yes i'm stupid lots of the time
don't ya just love me..haha don't answer that!
until next time...

shhhhhh...
i stayed so still
in the secret place
the hiding place
my ma ma made
beneath the banana tree
beneath the stones
and berry vines
so still
the senuous vines began to grow
thru me
pushed under my skin
ran along my veins
sliced clear across my heart
pierced my ears
berries grew
plump
in my eardrums
screams burst thru purple capsules
like machettes exploding thru
skulls
my brown skin melted
into the dark rich earth
or did the dark rich earth
break down my brown skin
i could feel the worms
crawling beneath me
i dare not move
so they burrowed deeper
into my eyes
tunneling into my vision
i inhaled the leaves surrounding me
for breathing would give me away
by Spring
i had grown new buds
new vines
stretched myself across the killing fields
to my village
stretched across what was no more
fragile tendrils gently touched scattered bones
my ma ma
my pa pa
my sister
i did not know which arm or leg went with which body
so i gathered them all into my vines
pulled them back to my hiding place
berries squeezed black tears
across their picked bones
i cradled them and rocked them
the hollowness created a beautiful lullabye
heard thru the winds
i grew thru the parts missing
became stronger
became whole again

Oh Yeah.....

how could i forget about D-madness, his crew, or those gifted children from "Keys Of Life" who played in the preshow before Anthony went on? They were so dang cute. Plus Anthony had been at thier facility earlier that day to play with them, now how many artists take the time to do that? It sounds like a really wonderful program for the kids to be involved in. I know i will try to get my own in. I heard the facilitator say, "and they say nothing good comes from the East side"....i beg to differ...i beg to differ.

Mike, ya'll remember Mike....our old bartender at Antonio's? He bartends at the Bennigan's we walked into last night. he saw me before i saw him and called my name. I told him, "we miss you." One of the best bartenders i know. shoot ya know he bad if he has your drink waiting on ya when you walk in the door. Plus the I Dream Of Genie's and Red Headed Step Child (is that right Kim) just ain't the same anymore.

Um, is it just my imagination...or does the pictures of Zarqawi look like he just went to sleep?
I mean, if a 500lb bomb dropped anywhere near you, would you look that good?
I'm just saying...
IF, and i say IF very lightly, he was pulled from that rubble shown all over the airwaves...well, you know where i am going with this. I am sure some new doctored photos will appear soon.
nothing like some great bullshit PR to direct our attention away from the fact the commander in chief is a total screw up!

And It Was A Blessed Night

Anthony Hamilton...what can i say. i really liked him before, but after last night's performance, or should is say takin' us to chuch..no r!
he was amazing!
his energy, the band's energy, the backup singer's energy...especially ms. lady in the middle.
WHEW!!~and it was hot like a mofo...talking about that Texas heat!
the poetic family was in the house...ya know the icing on the cake.
some of us were able to steal a few moments of Anthony's time after the show...you know that feeling ya get when you are in the presence of something bigger than yourself?
i don't mean his status as a singer and a performer, beyond the physicality of it all...i felt that being around him.
yep.
later T and i headed home, looking for a place to grub. ahh a Bennigans...bar area was only thing open....WHAT DA HELL! the loud crooning from the corner meant only one thing...IT WAS OMG KARiYOKE NIGHT!!
T and i just looked at one another, wanted to bolt for the door...
but we drug ourselves into a corner, hot, thirsty, and hungry...too tired to try to look for something else this late at night.
ya know, there is a significant difference between my cultures within me...so so so so so happy this part of me is not dominant...lol
we just laughed at the whole situation, ate our food, talked about the concert as best we could over the cat screeching, then headed home.
took a cold shower and collapsed on the bed.
then the whole night dreamed i was a sex slave...okay try to figure that one out!!

3 Things

3 things i want to do very soon:
-make it to the semifinals, with my bad ass team, at Nationals
-create new surroundings
-release them

3 things i want to do sometime...eventually:
-travel to Africa
-find my place within
-fall in love

3 things i'm afaid of:
-there will never be enough time
-not falling in love again
-realizing that this is it

3 things i could not do without:
-my pen
-my children
-grace

3 things i have recently discovered:
-no matter what you do or say, sometimes its just not meant to be
-i am beautiful....as is
-i CAN live without meat

3 things i have given up:
-Meat, though it goes week by week
-worrying what others think of me
-denying myself of a good life...i am worthy of it all!!

3 movies i can't wait to see:
-remake of The Omen
-Slam Planet: the Movie...i think i am the only one who has NOT seen it!
-Minion...black vampire movie in the works, author L.A. Banks...check her out

3 Languages i want to learn:
-relearn Spanish
-relearn French
-some African language

3 things i'd like to learn:
-to play the guitar
-to skydive
-to become authentic and succulent

Saturday's White Linen Soiree

ummmm...damn...

i die a lil more each morning
i turn and see your face
or the imprint where you layed
so i cover my face with wishing pillows
to conceal my heart in darkness

words unspoken stick in my throat
like barbwire sectioning land
no freedom
no free range
screams held back by tiny fingers
scratch the insides raw

i look back and see yesterdays so sweet
see 2 different versions of me
the one who once loved you
and the one who loves me more
still imprisoned by both

i stir my morning coffee
with spoonfuls of you and me
doesn't taste as sweet anymore...
perhaps its time for tea

I Dare You!

today, i threw away the scale.
do you know how unbelievably liberating that is, for a woman?

DAMMMMMMMIIIITTTT!!!!
i missed my beloved Jono's graduation, circumstances beyond my control...still SUX though...but damn proud of you baby! Cali ain't ready!!

Amanda Johnston will be featuring tonight @ Resistencia Bookstore, 7pm
1801-A South First Street...there will be an open mic as well, plus its FREE!
Sharon Bridgforth will be performing there saturday, 6pm.
we must support outside of our own, so i'm trying to go myself.

SARK:
we must insist on succulence!
our lives are too rich and rare to have less.
growing can be uncomfortable, loud, unfamiliar, and feel perilous to our underdeveloped personality selves.
growing involves breaking out of cages, boxes, stereotypes, categories, and captivity.
it involves standing tall, laughing loudly, and being WHO we really are.
and my fav:
growing means letting go of what others will think, of narrow possibilities, of tight clothes and uncomfortable shoes.
it means, accepting power, telling the truth, creating miracles, and making the most alive choices.
YES!
now if i can just keep reminding myself....cause in the next 5 minutes i will soon forget.

so coach is requiring we venture out into the world to slam at other venues. believe me he wastes no time getting down to business...he is FABULOUS!
Big Brotha B started it off hitting Sam' s Burger Joint in SA., it is one of the least poet friendly joints around...crowd can be harsh. some of my fav's come from there too though...like Ria and Vocab
anyway, B came in second right behind Shaggy!!!!!
Lil sis is soooooo proud!!
coach with gentle nudging..smile...asked if i would hit Ego's. one of my goals is to get out of my comfort zone, so i obliged.
wow. i did it!
came in second! the great Shannon Leigh beat me by a 10th of a point.
its hard to belive this fantastic poet is only 18yrs old!! i mean her words come from a very old soul.
by the way, next wednesday, she will be featuring at Ego's plus having a going away party. she will be leaving for atlanta. going to college, and trying to bring new life to the poetry scene out there. i told her she will definitely raise the bar.
It was Neo Soul's Anniversary last night. wow. i can never say enough how we have some of the best poet's around to walk thru those doors.
and the journey continues...

Just Stuff

what are we really fighting about?
i miss you terribly...

some SARK:
radical self acceptance--stop working on self, and just immerse yourself in where you are right now! with all the flaws and faults.
drench yourself in self-kindness--we are very good at shining kindness outward. but if we ask how kind are we to ourselves? we would probably cry
nourish from the inside--satisfy your hunger for:
spirituality (what does it look like?)
intimate connection (how does it feel?)
creative expression (are you free?)
physical movement (can you move?)
conscious breathing (let breath heal you)
being of service (how?)
--------
this is my week of no meat consumption. i have already cut out the red meat, but this week no chicken or seafood, or pork for that matter...the other white meat.
my family thinks i'm off my rocker...true, been that way for awhile
went to whole food yesterday for lunch and to just explore. love that place.
it is a shame what is good for you is much pricier than what is bad for you...i swear it is a conspiracy. i'm doing it though, because the longterm outlook is much much better.
hopefully i will be able to reverse some of the damage already done.
so if this is a good week, i will continue it thru the next.

i haven't done much in the garage lately, trying to clear that much needed space. for my creative side, for my inside.
i am blocking myself again. must work on that.

i fell asleep outside on the most glorious oversized pillows
watched light bugs talk to one another and stars twinkle
wished on stars
woke up to candy cotton skies, and dew kissed face...or were they tears?

Saturday

the sun ran across the sky
to give us some peace
we came together slowly
under stars
soft moon globes
cast even softer glows
upon rich faces
eased stresses
laughs shared
words spoken
familiar and new
words true
food
for all
for the soul
connections
family
friends
love
is good
is good

a woman's intuition is a muthafucka
i hate this time i'm right
u confirmed without even realizing it
and u...my love...are as predictable as 1996
future forecast: smells like a storm is coming
oh how i need the sunshine back.

just sharing

Was up really early today, too early for my taste. i am such a night owl...but part of my 90 days to a better me.
i think i'm still floating from wednesday!! but not for long, our first practice is this sunday. Mike already has great ideas for us. can't wait! so excited, okay i'll stop. sorry.
Still reading SARK, this is jumping out at me right now:
Faces Of Intimacy....
nobody tells us as lil girls that we may fall in love and have moments of hating our beloved, or have ridiculus arguments at 2am over something neither person understands.
called "the nuance of annoyance", all the tiny and large things they do that annoy you, come forward. (all the things we ignored or thought were cute at one time, hmmm, drives me f***ing nuts now)
we are not taught "intimate negotiations"--involves adjustment, compromise, integrity, truth telling, options, willingness, and heart*full listening. (my stubborn ass)
the common goal should be UNION...she goes on to say, i either isolate myself, or try to "take over" with loud suggestions, detailed directions, and rigid ideas... my goal is frequently being right. ( my way dammit)
emotional storms pass thru me frequently and since i generally try to resist most feelings as soon as i feel them, they tend to get stuck, be projected, or hoarded for attack later. (working on the resisting and projection part for sure)
we must communicate less out of our heads and more from our hearts.
we need to understand ourselves intimately before we can recognize all the "faces of intimacy" and the many forms it takes.
(this one is a big one for me, since i am such a romantic) let go of romantic expectations and embrace new, tender, intimate moments that appear in ways never imagined.
"intimacy happens in moments. the mistake we make is in wanting it all the time."
---jo ann magdoff
i think this is good advice that can be carried over into other relationships as well.
until then....

The Day After...

still can't believe it
tears...of joy...of damn
bittersweet outcome
left my heart up on that stage
felt grandmother smiling
words from a queen i will never forget
my big brotha b...u were simply amazing
joe b...i got you...always
kim...we are going to be ok, baby
its ok to be scared
jo...your hugs and words pulled me through
breathe
just breathe
now the work begins
lets enjoy every moment
learn from one another
continue to grow

ITS WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!

okay so been waiting for this day to get here, and here we go!
Started freaking the hell out last night!! Tarik was washing my back and trying to calm me down...after 20 of my "but "statements, he learned to just be quiet and let me talk LOL.
couldn't sleep
can't eat
on my 2nd pot of coffee
will have a serious caffeine induced coma soon i'm sure
damn pimple on my nose
i think i'm going to puke
i think i'm going to pee on myself
probably well on my way of doing both, hopefully not on stage
going hoarse trying to bring the volume and all the practicing
have changed my pieces a million times, and probably a million more times before i get on stage
can't believe i'm here
fucking excited
can't breathe
breathe
butterfly has many children inside...would u sit the hell down in there!
okay im talking to myself
i need a drink..okay just one
i need a toke...uh no
rolled 2 up, but too nervous to smoke lol...save for afterwards
that stage is going to be so damn hot tonite, we will leave only ashes!!
okay going to go pee AGAIN!
Good luck tonight to all, and i love ya...to hell with the niceities...tonight i'm knocking some mofos out the ring!!
much love

90 Days to a Better Me

so i guess i'm following a lil of Mo's footsteps, and some things i need to continue doing anyway. calling it 90 days to a better me. started may 8th, got a lil sidetrack recently, but reconnected with myself last night. its all good in the neighborhood.
something so peaceful about sleeping under the stars on a cool night....well before my siberian husky wanted to join me on the giant pillow...she sheds!!
anyway, i meditated for awhile, let some things go, took in some things, talked to God and the universe.....then saw a fallen star.
yep, on the right track!
I have cut out red meat, and something weird is happening with the resto of the meats...looking really gross lately! guess that is a good thing, since i eventually want to cut out all of it anyway....long ways down the line though.
i am so much older now, and i have got to take care of what i put in this body.
--so better eating, eventually get to what the earth provides from its ground only.
--meditation daily.
--some form of exercise at least 30min. daily.
--write daily in journal
--investigate the dark places, you know the ones we avoid feeling or dealing with
--cradle the pieces in me that are wounded or crippled...watch them soften and transform (reading Succulent Wild Woman by SARK....wonderful!!)
--get back in touch with my creative self...i was a helluva artist at one time...got to find that again
--lots more details, but this is the meat(eww, i meant lettuce lol) of it...and i believe if i stick to it, i will be a better mother for my children and a better woman to him.
So there ya go..
until next time...

Happy Mother's Day

i didn't get a chance to make my rounds yesterday, the family was out of town for the weekend...so a day late, but heart still in it ya know.
so i hope it was a blessed day for all, whether you have kids of your own or take care of others as if your own...Happy Mother's Day!
i held my 3wk old niece for the first time
her beautiful brown skin, teensy tiny fingers, and angelic face just made me tear up and my womb ache. i held her so long, everybody was like you are going to spoil her...SOOOOOOOOO WHAT!! she is 3 wks old! lol
anyway, said a silent prayer for her, then laid her down on her satiny pink blanket..oh did i mention she was already sporting nikes LOL...OMG!!

It is true
I was created in you.
It is also true
That you were created for me.
I owned your voice.
It was shaped and tuned to soothe me.
Your arms were molded
Into a cradle to hold me, to rock me.
The scent of your body was the air
Perfumed for me to breathe.
---------Maya Angelou

Writing Lab at Bfran's con't...

Subject: When A Poet Cries
words: trouble, alien, tomato, women, attack, washboard, oatmeal, melt, overjoyed, moment....

She cries alone
behind closed doors
of a troubled soul
with no keys
rice paper transperancy
on stiff upper lips
blindness chosen
to those with no eyes
so she chooses not to melt for them
saves that moment for intimate moments
with no one
trying to soothe life's attacks in warm liquids
for her injuries make the water run
as red as tomatoes
smashed against brick walls
split wide
spilt seeds
of womanhood never planted
her tears fill the spaces
alien smiles cannot,
reverberate like small tsunamis
in grooves of grandmother's washboard
back and forth she rocks
trying to wash the stains away
leaving life a lil' thinnner
a lil' easier to tear
she keeps the smile
on her face to face
what's outside her doors
overjoyed like overcooked oatmeal
both turning cold
if left unattended
for too long.

For Today...and Hopefully From Now On

Give me strength to live another day
Let me not turn coward before its difficulties, or prove recreant to its duties
Let me not lose faith in other people
Keep me sweet and sound of heart, in spite of ingratitude, treachery, or meaness
Preserve me from mining lil stings or giving them
Help me to keep my heart clean, and to live so honestly and fearlessly that no outward failure can dishearten me or take away the joy of conscious integrity
Open wide the eyes of my soul that i may see good in all things
Grant me this day some new vision of thy truth
Inspire me with the spirtit of joy and gladness
and make me the cup of strength to suffering souls
in the name of the strong Deliverer, our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

B Fran's Writing Lab...phase 1

Poetry is...picked the words piece, know, around, and cry

Poetry is like water
contains the essence of life
feeds and nourishes the body
without either
i cannot exist
my pen knows me
better than
i know myself
always keeping me in check
within myself
poetry will cry for me
when i won't allow a single tear to fall
it rebuilds
piece by piece
redraws lines to cross
pushing past boundaries and stereotypes
i and soceity have created
like water it pulls me deep
rehydrating hungry cells around my world
poetry is my baptism.
_______________________

Poetry is nothing to be played with
do not take it lightly
for it will haunt heavily
will have you crying from places
thought locked away
will have you up all night
trying to write a piece
refusing to let you sleep
words and phrases will seep around
thru ether spheres like whisps of ghosts
ever fleeting
you will become poetry's pawn
hopefully not writers block's queen
a game without rules
so play at your own risk
create pieces to play with
but do not temp poet gods with trangressions
knowingly place words of sacrifice
with respect
and simple truth
parchment lines will be rewarded with treasures beyond belief

it rained a lil harder today

kind words
bounce off deaf ears
inside thick heads
extended hand
cut at the wrist
no longer able
to embrace

double edge sword
a lil to the left
cut thru chambers
filled with sunshine
spilled into cavities
heating blood
rotting flesh
a lil to the right
easier to extract
wounds would of healed
eventually

instead
alcohol poured from lips into
scabs picked open
dug into holes
never knew existed
bone marrow exposed
indiscretions covered up
secrets of dishonesty
lie dormant
unless awakened

wise poet once said, "i choose to walk alone"
now i understand.

she falls
arms can't grasp
reaching for herself
antogonistic tendacies
her hell freezes over
skating on thin ice
razor sharp tongue shoes
unable to bare the pain
she outlines her world in eights
a dance repeated too often
with no partner
only the howling sounds of yesterday
heard thru the trees
snowflakes fall
she stretches arms wide
mouth even wider
trying to taste uniqueness

My Brother

i have a half brother, well let me rephrase that...
i have an older brother
the branches of our tree may have crossed,
but we still are of the same fruit
so, my big brother loves vw beetles
ever since he was a kid he had a fascination for them
it started with just one
saved his money to buy one old and beat up, broken down bug
took it apart piece by piece, seeing what made it tick
what was wrong with it
then would put it back together again
always better than before
soon the garage would spill over with his tinkering
parts everywhere
but somehow always knew where they went and to what car
he constantly came up with grand ideas for winning contests and making money
he loved building rockets and just being the bad boy
i don't know if it was out of rebellion or out of pain
at the age of 3, he had to relearn names
grandmother was now mommy
mommy was now sister
and i was now neice, though i wasn't born yet
he learned quickly what deception meant
even at the tender age of 3
when he should of felt unconditional love
bitterness and anger painted his lil boy room in the perfect shade of blue
he quickly became my favorite uncle
showed me fascinating things
taught me how to play secret games in the basement
he never played them though when grandma was around
he wasn't a bad kid
just disconnected, missing parts like his cars
alcohol and drugs became the lubricant
but no matter how many times he pulled himself apart
he could never put all the pieces back together
better
and it didn't matter how much money he made
he could never afford his own self worth
its been awhile since we've talked to one another
cards are sent with i love you's and pictures
showing just how much life keeps going
whether you choose to live it or not
the last time i saw him was a few years ago,
the pain still lingering just behind his eyes
he constantly ran his fingers thru his hair
as if trying to brush the past away
we never spoke of basement games out loud
we clasped hands like his was a lock and mine were the key
'forgive me' hung tightly to his lashes
soft blinks pryed them free
each word fell gently into our lock and key
we rolled the yesterdays up with some weed
looked at the stars
pondering the meaning of it all
and smoked it away
even if it was temporary
several times he has tried to reconnect with our mother

he has heard the rooster crow much too often

as she wears the skin of Judus in the lining of her coat
to shield her from the bitterly cold Canadian winds
the umbilicus has been severed
i understand now why he seemed so angry
why he loved and hated me all at once
i got to go home with his mommy
and she never looked back
because if she had
she would have had to face her reflection in those beautiful angry eyes of his
and she would of seen herself splinter into a million shards of regret
but he would of scooped every piece in his hands
ignoring the pain piercing his flesh
would of spent hours trying to put her back together again
this time better
this time holding his hand too

Today

today i hate him
hate these 4 walls
closing in
hate it all
hate myself for believing in love
hate i wear rose colored sunglasses even on cloudy days
far too long
for far too many people
hate i came thru doors too soon
when i hadn't closed the others behind me
hate he is safe
death still comes
just more slowly
more painful
hate routine
hate going thru the motions
to hide true emotions
for them
mothers must make great sacrifices
wish mine had
so is she still my mother?
bored with this life
hate he never stimulates my mind
nor my body
today i just want to stay hidden
under green leaves
and hibiscus petals
fold these wings
that are still too wet
too delicate
retreat into a cocoon much too small for me now
i pray tomorrow i will catch a breeze

i often wonder when the connection was broken. when did the we become me without u? at what second did my smile not bring one to yours? when did the tears stop falling down my face only to start my soul to weeping? but its easier on the inside, for the world does not get to witness my demise...at least thats what i tell myself. dreams of tomorrows are now nightmares of yesterdays. yet you still haunt them both. our babies weep for they now realize they will never exist, but my empty womb still craves for them to sleep there. we walked a different path together, would of taken over the world...well, at least our lil heaven we created. yes, sigh, the one created between the darkness of your eyes and the encircle of my arms. hell creeped out the bag one day. thought i had thrown it away, or at least locked it tight. it took over our lil heaven, darkened it full of pain and misunderstandings. the sun seperated from the moon. universe hung its head in shame. venus sobbed. love still happens now, with or without me. i have a choice. was that a question or statement? not sure. when did it happen though? perhaps we stop believing in love, or maybe u just stopped believing in me.

Have It Your Way????

So, i'm flipping thru Ebony and i come across 2 ad campaigns that truly disturbed me: Burger King new one....Pardon our French but DAAAMN! advertising the new french toast sandwich. Like are you serious, for real?? Then Hennessy has an ad with Marvin Gaye's picture with the caption...never blend in.....are these ads in any other mags? i would be curious to know.

Finally watched aeonflux last night...interesting concept, not too far from the truth either....dealing with cloning and never truly dying...but this was the best line: we have to die , otherwise our LIFE will never matter.

Pride Or Prejudice?

My daughter was honored for outstanding academics today. I am so proud of her. The best of the best are called Grizzly Pride at her school, nominated each year by a teacher. This is her second year receiving this honor. again i am so proud. Unfortunately, the teacher her nominated her had been absent all last week, and was not there today either. So Taylor asked if she could have her picture taken with her parents, minus the teacher. A few teachers standing around, asked if any of her other teachers were present. Taylor said yes, and named a couple. One teacher said, "Oh I know, let me get Ms. Johnson to take a picture with you." I'm thinking who is Ms. Johnson, and of course this teacher brings back with her in tow....the only black woman in the room....the only black woman in the school. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Johnson is a very sweet and beautiful woman, and Taylor likes her as well. My question is, even after pointing other teachers out, why would she run to get this particular woman, who Taylor does not know? I shouldn't say particular, because like i said she was it as far as color goes in this school. Oh, and my beautiful daughter was the only black student nominated last year...just like this year. Sooooo am i just being overly sensitive to think she possibly could be a "token" child. I don't want to take away from her outstanding achievement in anyway, because she did outright earn this honor....but i'm just saying!!

i use to sit in grandmother's beauty shop window
watching the colorful life outside
watching her fingers smooth away the blues
greasing scalps and creating Sunday's best on Saturdays
waiting for my turn in her queenly chair
always time for just one more
always time for me
she would take down pigtails and ribbons
to ease my own blues away
braid my long locks, or simpy redo pigtails and ribbons
spin me around and kiss me
sometimes she would let me walk 2 blocks down to the corner liquor store for a bag of rock candy and a soda, as she watched from the doorway of my sanctuary.
i'd walk out into the world i watched so curiously from her window, loving the lil bit of independence, even under several watchful eyes.
cause here on this street, in this time...everyone knew your name
or at least they knew i was Mrs. Jewel's grandbaby.
i would walk 2 blocks in my red buster browns, past bluesy tunes, the smell of bbq, and struts of pimps and cadillacs a block long
times were simple and times were good then...
i've grown up now, moved away a long time ago
returned to find a life i once cherished, had been abandoned
no bluesy tunes, no smell of smokehouses, the liquor store is still there
but they don't sell rock candy anymore
and no one knows my name...
life is different here, life is complicated here
black owned business have been phased out unable to afford the rent or skyrocketing property taxes
homes and buildings replaced with red brick condos
down home food replaced with upscale that won't fill you up
lots of big names i see, but i miss the small ones
streets are clean, too clean
the "in" place to live from what i understand...
for me it always was, now you couldn't pay me to live here
for the streets are dead, the life is gone
no one here walks like music is playing in their head
no one here looks you in the eye
this street no longer has a heartbeat
i laugh seeing someone has sprayed "there goes the neighborhood "
on the front of one of the red brick buildings with all its fancy windows
just so happens to be the spot where Grandmother's beauty shop stood...i smile thinking maybe, just maybe, it was her doing.
I feel insides scream, angry what this city has done
pushing a community even further back, or should i say, yet another annihilation
i still hear it though, each time i pass that way...
on breezes mostly, returning from far away
echos of a world rich in life and soul
seen through a little girl's eyes
watching through Grandmother's beauty shop window.

Are You Up To The Challenge?

So Amanda Johnson came by Neo last night. told us how she and some of her fellow poets were challenging one another during this week of AIPF, to write a poem a day...so now i am extending this challenge to my fellow poets as well. Don't make me call you out!! Just write, anything--even a haiku, and post it on your blog....
here goes....

right now,
at this moment,
either bring me from the other side
or take me back there ...
with you.
i want you,
simply
to invade every inch of me
until total surrender
determines sexuality.
freefall thru fantasies
make taboos blush
rewrite karma
create new sutras
leave clothes on
bring new meaning to foreplay
make 365...just that
numbered days
because i am sure we will find at least 50 more new ways
let this bed be the last place we lay
and then only for sleep
i want you and i to get so deep
our dna merges
cellular exploration
leading to we...
as one.
tips of tongues
annointed with sweetness
drink in so slowly
passion's nectar flowing
corners of lips licking
savoring
yearning
begging
reciprocation
wicked smiles greeting hungry eyes
laughing
between deep sighs and low moans
pulling me from the other side
or is it ...
you have taken me back there...
with you?

Subliminal Tag

5 MINUTES WITH MICHELLE, AND SOMETIMES DESIREE WILL INTERJECT...
If money didn't matter what would you do with your life? i must say i would be a lifetime student as well, hitting mainly historical black colleges, giving away tons of full 4yr scholarships to those in need. Open an art gallery, travel the globe, not just for pleasure but to learn from other groups of people. Live in a different country every 6months. build irrigation systems in deserts of africa. throw amazing parties for my poets!!

What's the biggest misconception about you? that i always have it together, always happy and upbeat. i am easy going, but a lot of times, my world can be falling apart around me, and i won't show it...always smiling.

Beauty or Brains? of course brains, beauty always fades...but stimulate my mind!!I say give me both!but as she says, stimulating my mind will give me the strongest orgasm...

What is your weapon of choice? like 13 said, WORDS! Words and Sex for me!!Love the control!

Who was your first celebrity crush? Had it bad, still do for Prince!!

What's your family's nickname for you? most call me shelle, my sweetie calls me desi.

What's your most embarrassing guilty pleasure? hmm i just can't say. haha its even too damn much for me LOL!!

What's the last book you've read? The Dancing Mind by Toni Morrison

Name one thing that scares you? Leaving this earthly plane too soon.

What's the biggest mistake you've made? Letting insecurities and baggage get in the way of new love.

Who would you cast to play you in a movie about you? Persia, the actress that plays Lynn on Girlfriends.

If you ran for president of United States, who would be your running mate? Oprah
Who is your favorite TV mom? Florida Evans from Goodtimes. Damn!Damn!Damn!

What's the fastest way to pick a fight with you? Mess with my kids! Fuck with my shelle!

If you could tell one person to shut up, who would it be? George Bush and his whole damn crew!!

Who would you die for? My kids, and a select few very close to my heart.

Name one celebrity whom you would never procreate with under any circumstance? Lil john!! WWHHAT!! YYYEEAH!

It would be an honor if some said my writing/poetry reminded them of_____? Sylvia Plath, Toni morrison, or Giovanni. Zane

Name one sex act you would never perform if you were the opposite sex? that golden shower shit is for birds!! Sorry, i would be doing every mofo thing!!

Would you ever pose for playgirl/playboy? Hell No! Hell Yes!!

When was the last time you cried? Sunday

What's the greatest personal tragedy you've experienced? Losing my paternal Grandmother...thinking i would always have enough time.

Complete this sentence: by this time next year________ i will have my cd out, and working on book # 2. (hoping book #1 will be done by mid/end summertime)
that was fun...who is up next?

flipping thru past pages
i caught a glimpse of u
so unexpected
i drew the surrounding air in quickly
felt different rhythms in heartbeats
once synchronized
i wasn't ready...

To Live By...

When people speak badly of you, you should respond in this way: keep a steady heart and don't reply with harsh words. Practicing letting go of resentment and accepting that the other's hostility is the spur to your understanding. Be kind, adopt a generous standpoint, treat your enemy as a friend, and suffuse all your world with affectionate thoughts, far-reaching and widepread, limitless and free from hate.
In this state you should try to remain.

---Dhammapada

Lunatical Ramblings Again...

did i say "lunatical"...not sure if a word, but you know poet's will make up some words.

an elderly woman in cali, received a ticket for WALKING too slow across a street. yes i said WALKING TOO SLOW....like are u serious? she should of knocked the police over the head with her purse...at least the ticket would of been worth it then!

i was tagged recently, but sorry i can't do the hiphop list. i'm not much of a hiphop head, and ashamed i don't know most of the ones listed. though sarah is schooling me. lol. i am a lil older than others in my circle, and i grew up more in the r&b/smooth sounds of motown and funk...like maze, marvin, rick james, kool & the gang, gap band, parliment, isley brothers yeah baby. swaying my body now just thinking about it.

kids are gone for the weekend. means we can run around naked and holler and scream while having mad passionate sex!!
SSSSHHHHYYYYTTTTT!!forgot my father is in the other room!

Dear God, its me shelle, could you please find my dad a job that actually pays him about every 2 weeks, instead of chasing get rich schemes. cause he ain't getting richer, and he needs his OWN place. its a lil weird having sex knowing your dad could hear you. i would really appreciate it. oh yeah, God, thank you for all the many blessings you have already bestowed on me.

never understand poets who pout or get pissed when they don't come out on top during slams. they immediately leave the building or go sit in a corner. i understand being disappointed and hurt. but you just never know what factors are against you. never know what the judges think or who they are. maybe you are just not that good against your opponent, whatever the reason. so why get upset really?
i have been to enough slams and my eyes have been opened to alot. i see the poets who are in it for the glory, for the praises and hugs afterwards.
i see the ones WHO DO NOT WRITE FOR THE PASSION OF POETRY, BUT ONLY FOR THE STATUS SEEKING OF SLAMMING. and it saddens me. i understand now why a fellow poet recently warned me about what she calls the SLAM MONSTER, he will eat you up and take away all that is good inside of you.
you can't win them all, its okay if you don't. but learn from it. still respect the other poets by listening to them and talking to them.
maybe if you listen, you will be inspired to write something ....different.

hmm, guess that lil thought could of been a whole other blog entry.

i miss my kids, and if they don't get back soon, the only thing left in their easter baskets will be a one stuffed bunny and a whole lot of yellow and green grass!
that time of the month for me (sorry guys tmi, i know)and chocolate is not safe around me whatsoever.
computer desk is covered with mulicolored silver wrappings right now!!

I'm so pathetic!!

Because She Will Not Be Forgotten...

roses
always die, trying to live within shadows of fear and darkness.
this form of love?
burns like acid, tears and eats away at the thin fleshiness of her fragile soul.
manifestation of a pretty boy---this time .
plot of the story remains the same
accussations
demands
fists
tears and kisses
a language spoken too fluently, she knows too damn well.
red roses, with thorns, he gives her daily...
roses as red as the imprints he leaves behind on fair skin
paints pictures across her canvas like a master artisan
and when he is done...steps back to admire his work
leaving her crumpled in the corner
kisses her forehead, hands her red roses
to this day, she still can't stand the sight of them
or the smell of them
so roses will never grow in her garden anymore
his murderous intent intentionally keeping her alive
the thrill in the pseudo kill,
the sick pleasure in the resurrection
even God, he said, couldn't have her
so she sleeps between deceitful sheets in the devil's lair
secret prayers hidden under pillows
afraid of the light once attracting him,
seeing an inner beauty he could not possess...he hated her.
picked her out of a store front window
only to become damaged goods,
unable to be returned
no longer in original packaging...
and just a lil' too used.
sweet poison of promises, "I won't do it again"
lingers on bruised lips like wine colored lipstick
intruding tongue leaves strange numbness on her breath
whispers of "i love you" puncture eardrums
as he holds her much too tightly
bludgeoning her temple with each calculated stroke of manhood
pleasure entangled with control
until his diseased essence fills her womb
chromosome x--chromosome y
she too a pushed angel among demons
she too a casuality of his love
never to see the light of day, never a first breath
never a smile, plenty of tears
broken heart, wings clipped, unable to thrive in turbulent waters
if only, just maybe...
could she of...? what if she...? perhaps if she...?
cleaned a lil' more, cooked a lil' better, became more like his hoar...
didn't smile too much, wasn't so friendly with others
was more like his father, less like his mother...what if?
holding her now empty womb, tears ascend the heavens
she pleads, "will you forgive me?
forgive me for not protecting you?
for not leaving roses on your grave?
because i just can't stand the sight of them
or the smell of them
and roses will never grow in my garden anymore
for you, babygirl, never had the chance to play there."

Frustrated and Pissed

Why is it necessary to have 10 cops on horseback at every street intersection?
why is it necessary to have cops on rooftops canvasing the crowd?
why is it necessary to block all exit and entrance ramps?
why?
perhaps because it is a majority of blacks who participate in Texas Relay festivities?
perhaps if the same excessive presence was present during SXSW or Biker weekend, I wouldn't be so pissed and frustrated!!

just venting.....
any thoughts?

the night before yesterday

raindrops fall silently
kissing windowpanes
candles glow
whisps of smoke curl
along sillouettes
kisses on neck
on honey curves
causes soft moans
and willing thighs
butterfly wings take flight
dancing slowly on a strong melody
creating new notes
to form in throat
to escape from lips
suspended in air
until the next quick inhale
until the next slow exhale

u r the real in my reality
painting passions
pulling fantasies
from dreams
creating small heavens
soft places to fall

the seduction of your kiss
plays jazzy melodies across lips
leaving sentiments behind
dark chocolate-caramel essence
called u
envelope this body

licking fingertips
to remember u
to keep tasting u
the scent of me
mixes with possibilities of u
intoxicates the air

dampening thighs
collecting moisture
in honey wells
yearning for u
to drink
full bodied taste of me

let me enter
take residence in your soul
sleep there
plant my feet there
grow with us there
exist within your words there

allow me to walk on the air u breathe
pass through lips
until i am the only language u speak
a whisper
a moan
a sigh
language of poetic melodies...

the universe of u n i

3 days passed before the body was found
victim of circumstance
beyond her control
suicide?
cleansing ritual?
wrists slit
fingertips smudged
with ink, no blood spill
only sentences and metaphors
splattered on walls
pooling on floors
track marks on arms
where she had injected him
in daily doses
with her pen
high lasting as long as his last line
stole her innocence for the sake of his next rhyme
waited for him to paint her colorless dreams
in yellows, purples
and of course in her blues
melodies of her song
sacrificial lamb.

Shyyyyytttt!! Tagged Again

6 STRANGE/QUIRKY THINGS ABOUT ME:
hmmm these things getting a lil too revealing...i don't like putting all of me out there...but oh well

1. Don't pretend to have a conversation with me...with "uh huhs" and "hmms", eyes wandering and shit. Look at me when i'm talking dammit, and be present in the conversation. Sends me over the edge when a phone rings and automatically pick it up, without a hold on please or something. Promise you, i will show my ugliness.

2. My stage name is MichelleDesiree...no space in between, for a reason....these 2 are me. very distinct entities, and those closest to me know i am being for real. knowing who you are talking to, or who you would rather talk to is part of the game. be very careful of Desiree acting like shelle...lol, she will flip it on your ass. here is a hint: watch the eye color to know the difference.
i'm sure there are some meds out there for me somewhere!!

3.I will eat leftovers, most of the time. But for some reason...chicken leftovers are out the question. Wings....forget about it! Now i will eat up some wings, but something about them being refrigerated...just grosses me out!! Once chicken even get room temp...can't do it!!

4.This one is gross and disgusting i know...i love to pop pimples, doesn't even have to be my own. Not the acne pus face kind, yuck! Black heads are the best!! I know I know...a lil too much. how's that for strange?

5.i tend to pout, more so with men. i don't throw tantrums. i notice my voice changes to higher octave, will plead, stroke the ego, give the silent treatment, heavy sighs...the works. such a baby. i am trying to change this, but i guess if it didn't work so well...i wouldn't do it.

6.i have a crazy love affair with Sixlets. lil chocolate balls in all different colors...hmmm wonder if there is something underlying to this!! i crack myself up sometimes! these candies are hard to find, oh but when i do...i buy in bulk. love to see how many i can fit in my mouth sometimes...hmmm

and since ms sarah tagged everybody this side of the hemisphere...no one is left.
ahh the madness of it all!!

Street Poets....Literally!!

and i'm not kidding.
so "the neosoul collective" is part of the performance lineup for "Art After Dark"(thank you joey), proceeds benefiting the Austin Fine Arts Museum. Beautiful setting. Tickets are $55 to get in this MOFO, mind you some patrons paid even more...good cause. Yes, $55 for a ticket, sooooooo it was going to be an interesting crowd. to say the least!!
a volunteer gave us our access passes, but first we had to sign a waiver of liability...just in case we fell off the stage or something, which you will see proves to be quite HEE-LARIOUS!!
a volunteer guides us through the crowd, directing us to "stage 1." she stops. points. says "straight back." ok, thank you. we continue walking.i see the barriers. no stage. i see the edge of the festival. no stage. i see a belly dancer. no stage. i see 2 yellow stripes in the middle of the road...leading to the mic. um, there's our stage.
alrighty then. like i said street poets LITERALLY!!
but you know what? Neo did the damn thing!! A few stayed the whole performance, interesting that they were of color. a few walked by trying not to notice. a few stayed for awhile, quite intrigued. i'm sure 99% of the spectators had never even heard of or seen a spoken word performance.
reactions were interesting...from why are YOU here? to WOW!
it didn't matter the reaction.
what mattered was-spoken word and poetry is an art in itself. we shared a lil of ourselves with a group who would not normally be exposed to this. whether they like it or not...who cares.whether 1 or 100...who cares
what mattered was the young lady who silently wept during my piece or the older gentleman who nodded during BFran's. a nod of solidarity.
to touch just one...to bring circles closer
that's what it is about, really.

Life is Wonderful
Hold on tight!

Beyond My Own Box

So its already known we saw Goapele and Floetry in concert tuesday, though "saw" is not an appropriate word. It was more of an experience, than a mere checking out another concert. i don't have many words for what happened, for its spirit is and will be in my soul for a very long time. she is doing something in there to me, perhaps causing new seeds to grow.
they make me want to be a better woman
and if i do nothing as a result from this experience...then i am a fool!

last night, i was part of a showcase in san antonio.(thank u Vocab) grand opening of sa's own ruta maya. the place is lovely, very metro. a step away from the riverwalk.
yeah, early enough to grab a bite to eat and be serenaded by a mariachi band.
my 2 youngest ones got to hang out with me. it was more of a treat for me than for them. i want to include and expose them to more of what i do, than exclude...thinking poetry once again is taking momma away.
they met some of my fellow poets, and of course hit mom and dad both for their never-ending hunger....didn't we just eat?
okay, so as i'm sitting there, i'm realizing...there's no big brotha b whispering in my ear, no 13 quick coaching me or thumbs up, no joey waiting with encouraging hugs, none of sarah's smiles.
i got scared
wanted to think of an excuse to leave
wait a minute...
these are my fellow poets, here just like you...a passion for the word. no ego trips, no status seeking, just here to share. and we did!
everything and everythang, diversity was great.
knowing i was part of this diversity,
exposing myself to poet's i normally wouldn't have,
meeting new ones next time who won't be strangers,
taking away a new perspective,
realizing i can go beyond my own box...
feet no longer seem as heavy
and the world seems a lil bigger

Creative Juices Over Floweth...

we haven't had a writer's lab in awhile, and it seems we never have enough of them. i love them. seems like there is always someone new. always something different. always a line or two written or heard, that gives birth to an amazing piece later on. i think this was the largest group we have ever had...about 10 i believe.
subject given to me: I Just Can't Find The Words
words must use in any tense: curious, compulsion, fascination, fumble, kinetic, keepsake, satisfied, stupid, numb, nimble.
my pen's compulsion to write
even when i can't find the words,
drives me insane.
memories tucked away
like forgotten keepsakes
collecting dust and senuous webs
life has weaved so much
sometimes wrapped too tightly
cutting the circulation off
leaving my senses numb
stupidity of an existance
lifeless for so long
as i fumbled through the darkness
outrunning demons of my familiar
shelle be nimble
shelle be quick
shelle must jump over the candlestick
curiousity of wanting to be whole
caused me to be still
as kinetic energy flowed
within the pauses of heartbeats and heartbreaths
again i pick up my pen
fascinating story begins
new chapter
new epic
with every stroke
every line
even if i can't find the words
my soul always will.

not too too shabby...something will come form this, always does.
once again thanks Big Brotha B for opening up your home and your heart to us. I swear, you can't help but to write within those 4 walls!!

I Was Tagged....So Watch OUT!!

Hmmm Attributes For A Perfect Lover:
--Make me laugh...often
there is nothing like someone who can make u laugh. whether its breaking a smile or laughing until the tears flow, or anything in between.
--Make love to my mind
lets have stimulating conversations, teach me something, open my mind to new horizons. said it before: the orgasm given mentally will always last longer than the one given physically.
--Be honest
with your words and your life. i am not perfect with this myself, but always striving. you cannot be true to others until true to yourself. self reflection is one of the hardest things to do, but doing it is half the battle.
--Passionate
in bed, making love to my WHOLE body, in life, with your children, with your own passion, what gets your heart to beating fast.....without the fire, u r either boring or dead...sometimes the same thing, right?
--Open minded
i will spring some shyt on your ass sometimes!! I love to keep people guessing about me. I keep a pretty ecletic group of friends around me too, so judging anyone or anything i do is a major NONO!! You don't have to like it...but nobody left YOU to be God either!!
--Be a good active listener
i keep quiet alot. i am more than an observer, but sometimes i dump talk, as i call it. sometimes i don't need u to say a word, just listen to me. let me know you are present though. Look at me. sometimes i want advice, or just good conversation and interaction. someone who can figure out when to talk and when to just listen....but always in the moment!!
--Know my moods
i have a few of 'em, and then on top of that...you got to deal w/ 2 distinct females in one body (seriously). don't take my moods personally, just realize and flow with it. i even drive myself crazy with this one haha
--Believe in a higher power
whether its God, Alah, Budah, or another name...believe that we come from a great source of Love, and we all must continue the journey in love...i belive in the power of prayer...i had a praying grandmother, know what i mean. don't need bible toting religious, need the spirituality.
--Respect the beauty of life
i get giddy over the smallest of things life allows me to see: purples and pinks streaking across dusk skies, butterflies floating on air, solo flight of a bird, the lines in a leaf, wrapping your arms around me when least expected...so someone else noticing life and feeling life is very important.
--Love of family
--Respectful of Women
these 2....enough said
i could give a hundred more, but these i believe are the meat of the bone.
now who will i tag!!!!!
Lets see:
Joey
Thirteen
Brandy
Jai
Angel
Relentless
Copa
Element 615
Mo

Her Smile

She wears steel toed black combat boots laced up to her heart-trying to avoid feeling the crap she walks thru-the stench assaults her senses, and she remembers memories engraved within the membranes of her soul--like-her alpha, ovulating beats, pulsing the air, as the conception of her comes into existance-wading in fluids of rejection, bathed in the baptism of simply surviving--and i wonder what lies beneath her smile.
she-an original score, written on torn parchment in backdrops of smokey rooms and back alleys-tattooed on yesterday's regrets-tomorrow's sequels
her bittersweet childhood caught off guard-a lifetime of nocturnal screams thru muted whispers-permeating the air like rancid perfume.
her lil girl tears fall-unnoticed-upon coloring book pages-mixing with purple blues of shattered dreams-spilling outside the lines
fallen star wishes-angel wing wishes-Grandmother's sanctuary wishes-just wishes
they-sharing same blood, only to bleed her innocence in corners of shadowed basements-disguised as deceitful games--he swallows her adoration in delicious gulps-tying to feed his own self hatred
and i still wonder what lies beneath her smile
fast forward-still a scared lil girl with big girl dreams searching for daddy's love in the arms of harm's way-she finds him-hitting her like a train wreck-literally-off track--relishes in his spirit breaking fists, craving his venemous kisses
he-a lil boy himself hiding within the obscurity of playing the role of a man-only to become an understudy-she his costar-but she memorizes her lines-even if the lines are only screams-for she was never heard-unacknowledged existance repeated daily like late night reruns
tears placed just right-makeup flawless-hiding the affection darkening her eye-swelling her lip or bruising her cheek-right on script-humiliation her Oscar-cries of bewilderment, her Grammy
and i still wonder what lies beneath her smile.
encroaching walls closing in as ceiling and floors of their world evaporate, like the curling smoke of a long forgotten cigar-left smoldering between life stained fingers
she had to hate him enough just to love a lil bit of herself
one forgotten piece-left on an old dusty shelf-hidden within the confines of self worth--trying to reclaim her childhood-her innocence-her womanhood
desperation dialates pupils past yesterday-facing reflections of smiles-amongst tears-like shattered glass slowly etching lines of forgiveness down her face
entangled within the truth of thir lies tucked away neatly in corners of a mask masquerading what lies beneath---
her smile.

MMMMMMMO-------JOOOOE!!!!!

the crowd wanted nothing but Mojoe...forget Solange, momma and poppa Knowles, and thier less than fabulous enterage they brought. I mean do u really think u something with the dark glasses 11:00 at night?
The Austin crew was not impressed...we came for the hottest funky soul band this side of the Mississippi..Mojoe!!
They brought it like hamhocks and collard greens with a side of hot sauce..i mean i'm just saying!!
and the fact poets and old friends were showing up left and right..felt like one of one of B's parties hahahahahahaha...
damn like i said if this is how this wonderful life lately is going to keep on going...shoot let me fasten my seatbelt...keep it coming!!

Randomly Placed Thoughts

in cd player currently:
indie arie
leela james
floetry
these 3 stay in constant rotation it seems....REAL MUSIC

hey kimmy & erica!! sarah & i will see u @ the Floetry concert, picked the tickets up yesterday...yep yep...very excited about this one, since i havent seen them live yet.

Mojoe is playing saturday night @ Cedar Street Courtyard, and i do believe love is opening up with some poetry....must find my dancing shoes fo real!

Tarik has been a trooper with me lugging him around to all the spots lately, he can't keep up he says, and i'm like baby its just getting started. he just shakes his head. "i don't want u change anything just cause u r back home" i love him *sigh*

oh, one reason he's lugging me around...i haven't been driving.
car has been fixed and she purrs like a kitten...so whats the problem? perhaps 'cause a lil cream colored postcard came in the mail stating WARRANT OUT FOR YOUR ARREST!!
I called immediately...DAMN try over $$1700 in fines and 8, COUNTTHEM!! 8 warrants...procrastination once again has kicked me in my big yella ass!!Took care of one, so now down to 7-haha guess i can laugh at that one to keep from crying. (see previous post in oct for reason for warrants)
needless to say i won't be driving for awhile!!

seems R Kelly is n town for a concert @ ut. read the university wanted to bring more diversity to the concert hall....so out of alllll the artists to choose from...this is who u pick?? give me a break...
and on that note, a group of child predators/pedophiles were recently arrested for having a LIVE, yes LIVE feed on the internet of actual molestations of several children...the youngest being only 18 months old!
i was and still am sickened by this...these muthafuckas need to be lined up and simply just shot!!
i don't get it, nor do i want to...

Cherry on Top

what a great week:
did a few voice overs for a tv commercial, excited about the possibilities!
wednesday's Poet's Tag at NeoSoul was mad crazy! my daughter's track meet left me w/o a voice for a few hours. big scare when she hit a hurdle, then hit the ground. she still loves 'em though. brave. Of course, i have already commented on saturday's youth slam and premiere party. once again congratulations jono. love u baby!
by the way sho glad u r not slamming wednesday...give the rest of us a chance!! hahaha
ahhhh but sunday just was the cherry on top. know what i mean. Thirteen explained it best on her blog, and she always does. the pain in my back, not to mention my feet, after waiting for HOURS for Badu to hit the stage, all well worth it. must of been a zillion bands before her, and even a more zillion minutes between each stage setup. My God ya'll are killing me here! ahhh but baby, when FunkSway hit the stage...ahhh sookie sookie now. the back loosened up and the feet went to grooving! i was front and center, lots of my extended family was off to the right (13, erica, bwine, songstress, god's gift, lovey, tre) both beckoning the other to come their way. sorry i wasn't giving up the spot. but we jammed anyway. hey i rhymed.
the energy this band gave forth, was unbelievable...and i'm still feeling it.
None of the CRAP on the radio these days could compare...hell its not even music anymore....hence the movie and the stirring underground movement "Before The Music Dies"...this was it!! I mean, u had 3 piece horn section(sax, trumpet, trombone), 3 guitarists, keyboardist, piano player, singers, and a mixmaster in the back! Come on!!
can u tell i was and still am so excited?
oh, and 13 n i both snagged us a nice memento. she got the better one though, he actually was playing with hers. okay now that sounded funny, but know what i mean.
Like Thirteen said, if what has happened so far this year is any indication how the rest of the year will follow.....
until next time...

YEAH YEAH BABEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

NEEEEOOOO.....K-O-R-I-M!!!
much much much props to all the young poets who hit the stage yesterday in the Austin Under 21 Youth Slam. From beginning to end, absolutely phenomenal. I was a scorekeeper this time, and it killed me taking off points for time penalties. 'cause i believe one particular young female should have moved on....damn 3min/12sec! and the damn judges were hellified tough...i won't make mention of the judge sitting next to us we nicknamed "the judge from Russia". One of the poets whispered, "i just wanna knock in her throat!" lol
our boy jono had the highest scores alllll night. HOT LIKE FIYAH!! so of course he walked away with not only a spot on the team going to Gotham City, but also THE SLAM CHAMP!! all his mammas, aunties, sistas, brothas, and cousins were and are so proud of him!
the team consists of jono aka korim, prophet(love his words), gingis, and one feisty edgy young lady by the name of Kelsey. watch out for this one!
13 n i made a mad dash to Wally World in her brand new mustang!! i didn't want to put my feet down it was so clean. 13 had torn a seam in her shirt, so had to pick up a new one. ok when did wally world get these cute ass shirts? remember the chant...U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi....well that was the shirt we found...plus she looked cute as usual...i won't tell her though, smile.
found the spot we were looking for, after much driving. how many points u get for hitting a blonde ut student on 6th?? damn they all look alike.
anyway--we hit the mecca of poets. i mean it was unbelievable who was around. damn we missed them on the mic. oh well, so i rubbed elbows with a few. saw some old familiars i hadn't seen in awhile, hugs were still good. made promises of 'until next time'...didn't want to leave, but it was really late and i was tired.
damn i really love this poetry thang!!
Mo hope u got a big enuff pallet for all these austin mofo's coming!!

Still Just a Girl

So much is going on now with poetry. its like all of a sudden there is something everyday and everynight to do. to a poet, this is both exhausting and exhilarating!
tonight though, my lil girl...well she's now 13, but always my lil girl ya know...she wanted a spur of the moment sleep-over with her best friend. kings of poetry was tonite and our monthly drive to freeverse in san antonio....
but one look into her beautiful browns...and i was like what poetry??
so we had daddy pick up a mess of wings from pluckers, kicked our feet up and became silly silly silly!
they are now singing off of the top of their lungs an old ashanti song. totally off key at times, but i love it!! they are in the process of putting some dance moves together...damn these 2 can dance...i must supervise those hips!!
it is the start of spring break and the weekend, so any regular bedtime hour is out the question. daddy and i love the entertainment they are providing anyway.
her lil brother, now 11, is too goofy to be allowed in her room. so he is sulking and off on his own.
i find myself smiling at the events unfolding. how innocent it all is. how pure. how sweet.i don't want this to ever change for them, yet that is not reality unfortunetly. and that saddens me. soon giggles will be replaced with tears from a broken heart. board games and made up dances with kisses and OH GOD-SEX!! i pray she never stops wanting my hugs and kisses, or snuggle with me when watching tv.
she is an amazing lil girl, growing so fast into a beautiful young lady...sigh...also a budding poet (she adores mahogany browne).
i pray as well, when she gets to be my age, she is able to once again capture her youth with her best friend...wearing fuzzy rainbow slippers, singing off key at the top of their lungs, dancing like no tomorrow, and just being silly silly silly!!
Just being a girl....

the journey continues

what is it like
to b u
to feel u
to create memories in your mind
of me
of us
to be the constant whisper
in your ear
in your heart
to flow thru veins
connecting dna
connecting souls
to engrave u n i
along earthly planes
along time lines
what is it like?
its like when i think of ...
u

What The Hell...!!

okay, so i'm watching the Oscars off and on last night. love seeing who was wearing what...so girly i know. most of the women were absolutely stunning. jamie fox, samuel l jackson, and sexy terrance howard...damn! cool as ice.
now (uh oh)...i love me some george clooney, BUT did he say he loves being a part of this wonderful academy because they knock down barriers (not exact, but close to his words). then goes on to say, this is the same academy who, in 1939, gave Hattie McDaniel an oscar for best supporting actress; the first african american to receive one. i love being in the same category.
WHAT THE HELL!!
does he know, his beloved academy would not present it to her during the actual televised show? she had to receive it in a DAMN EMPTY ROOM!!
I guess giving her an oscar AND allowing her on the show would be just too much.
i am ashamed he even compared the two.
black actors who have received oscars are few and far between. one reason i don't watch them, but i was so hoping Terrance would receive one. Crash is simply phenomenal! but nope not this time...
i guess giving out 2 oscars in one night...again would be just too much!!
3 SIX MAFIA, are u fucking kidding me!! 3 SIX MAFIA!! i wanted to pull my hair out when they got on stage to accept their award. barely could understand what they had to say, and then they had to bleep some of it out!!
Yes, another first. Yes, one for Crash. BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT....
Doing a Florida Evans..."Damn! Damn! Damn!"

No Room 4 Doubt

i hate packing, but this time its okay
i fill the boxes with things i call my life
not complete, but life nevertheless
suprisingly i'm not feeling sad, a lil melancholy, but not sad
this place has served its purpose
and now i'm moving on
sorta like people in your life
either they move on, or u move on
it doesn't mean u love 'em any less
just...the lessons have been taught
their purpose completed
time to grow some more
time to go down yet another road
find a new adventure
...or perhaps a familiar adventure
to create new paths
chisel boulders down to rocks
with time into smooth pebbles
for the road will always have its problems
just how will i deal with 'em is up to me
face head on...no more running
i watch him sleeping
and wonder
i trace his broad shoulders carefully
not to wake him
he smiles and reaches for me
and whispers, pulling me closer
"i have missed u so much"
...and i know i have made the right choice
as i snuggle into his love
i finally sleep like a baby.

the journey continues...

Stretch

I originally wrote this for Sarah, not too long ago during a dark moment. With her blessing, i asked if i could post it here.
So, now this is for you Joey as well(thanku for creating my beautiful blog :))...also for me and any other woman going thru something.

the storm is coming
but its okay
i will be your shelter
don't hide behind the clouds
instead break thru
claim back your sky
let the rain fall
i will hold the umbrella
and even if u get wet
let the layers melt away
let the pieces fall
upon fertile ground
pain being the seeds
from which u will grow
so strong
stretch your SELF high
within the winds of change
breezes of possibilities
keep stretching
until u think u can't anymore
then stretch again
past imaginary boundaries
a lil more
and claim back your sky

much love

ahhh the weekend

weather has been crap lately. wish it would make up its mind what it wants to do. this dreary constant drizzle has got to stop. cold one day. too warm the next. poor plants and trees just alllll confused.
Me and the fam went to see Madea's Family Reunion friday night. about 45minutes early and still a damn line out the door. i just laughed, guess some folks didn't expect this many out to see this movie. it didn't make any sense to have it showing on one screen anyway. like i said some folks.
if u haven't seen it yet....GO SEE IT!! it will have u laughing, crying, pissed off...and sometimes all at once.
the house was packed. some on cp time mad cause they had to sit right under the damn screen. we had perfect seats, whew. just the right row, and just right in the middle.
Tyler Perry is brilliant. and to think he almost took his life in his darkest moment. also was homeless for a minute. ya never know what life will bring if u just have a lil faith....and believe. i love how he incorporates all the lil stories within the big one.
Please go see it...u won't be disappointed.
Got up early Saturday morning, after dreaming all night i was late, to participate in a mini slam at Travis High School. It was myself, Eboni, Susie, and Shannon Lee. We were just as diverse as our young (5th grade-12grade)Girlscouts. With a brief intro of what a slam is, by Ron Horne, one by one we hit the mic. yeah we went over our 3minutes, but we really wanted the girls to hear what we had to say..but hey no penalties here, so no worries.
the girls were wonderful, hung on our every word...whooping and hollering when we were through, even had a dog pound going on the side....great for the ego. You could just see it in their eyes. sometimes its great to JUST BE A GIRL, and this day we made it okay to be one, gave 'em a lil power back. permission to fly for a few minutes. i hope we inspired someone, even if just one, to write...and if so, then we did our job.
Saturday evening, hung out with parents (hey, they r cool sometimes) at Main Event. well hung out at the bar, where my cutie of a brother, is a bartender. YES!! CAN U SAY ALL THE FREE DRINKS ONE COULD ASK FOR??
Sunday lived up to its name...what an absolutely beautiful day!! Weather was perrrrrfect. Spent the day out in the sun watching live racing in Manor...well of course i bet on a few. my daughter even picked some winners!! got to be careful, gambling is in the blood LOL!! We had a blast though. wrapped up the evening playing board games...how i have missed this...feels good.
Life is so full of ups and downs, twists and turns....buckle up and enjoy the fantastic ride!!
until next time...

Sirius Radio: Everyone Should Have One

We had a show last Tuesday in Houston. Had a blast, amazing poets to say the least. Funky Mike would of had the best night if the girls had left their panties! Cousin Sarah, well lets just say the chile can hold her own. her growth has been amazing. okay so the show was hot, but the ride back was even better. i am not sure how the boys faired, but the ladies of neo rocked it, or should i say hip hopped it all the way back to Austin. we laughed, danced, sang, and acted a plum fool with this backspin old school hiphop station. i'm sure every car passing was like OMG!! they must be drunk. Yep we were....not on alcohol, but drunk on the memory of good damn music. not this imitation bullshit on the radio today. Erica even took us back to skating days...ya'll youngins don't know nothing 'bout it!!
Sarah was having a fit, threatening to steal the van when we got back into town...she was serious...not for the van...but for the sirius radio no doubt!!
Foressa taped a lot of it for blackmailing purposes. shoot i don't care, that much fun sober should be illegal!
We pulled in beside the guys at a gas station, for late night snacks and a pee stop, of course. we roll down the windows, jump out the van singing and dancing.
the guys get out all stiff, down in the face...just looking tired. then they look at us like 'damn we should of rode with them'....!!! yep sho should of....
but then again it wouldn't of been as fun. sorry fellas.
waiting for the next road trip...forget checking for a dvd player...give me a sirius radio anytime
...along with Ms foressa, Mama June, Cousin Sarah, and Erica anytime!!

Thru The Storm

i believe everything, and i mean everything happens for a reason. there is a lesson in it all, and if u don't get it this time...it will continue to return. same story, different faces.
i fell apart on stage wednesday, literally. though a painful piece to write, my breakdown had nothing to do with the words. well, so i thought, until i read the words 'i wish'. and i do wish it was all different.
eventhough i had a mental breakdown, damn, in front of so many; early morning hours brought a mental breakthrough.
i realize i am in mourning in many ways. hard to let go of baggage u have carried around so long. hard to let go of people who help carry the baggage with u. sometimes sitting on it, so you must carry both.
time to put it down
time to leave you behind
i am far from getting through my own mess...but at least i am on the path through it, trying to keep moving.
looking in the mirror....wow a tough one, i dare anyone else to do it.
i mean really look at yourself and be honest.
and talk honestly...
...without being defensive, without accusations.

The Poison of Women

forgive me 'cause i'm pissed, but still needing to say something
if u get offended...i don't give a fuck!!

did u think we were kindred spirits?
think again
don't compare mine to yours just because u were the one who got fucked!
what wicked webs we weave...
you hug on me, kiss on me
leaving behind poison on my cheeks
and uneasiness in my soul
so quick to turn corners and whispers behind doors
showed me your true self, and u wondered why i was so quick to leave
would rather been in the streets than one more day in the hell u paint
what wicked webs we weave...
i see your kind often
trying to fit in to be in
disguised as a friend
but your knife still drips of others backs
the stench of u
worse than the morgue
cause u keep coming back
what wicked webs we weave...
think your whispers go unnoticed?
but i hear u loud and clear
even in a room full of words
words pecking at me like jealous hens
pecking away at my shell
not realizing desi always got my back
so BACK THE FUCK OFF!!

this is not about just one, but a few i know. to those who choose to whisper, make a fucking mental note to be in another zip code around me. I have amazing hearing. Old saying goes: keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer.
damn that felt freeing...
who got next?

A Journey Within The Journey...among many

so its been a month...lol
i find it interesting i do not crave it anymore. truthfully it was the "touch" i was craving, yet they never took the time to touch me. realizing this has opened my eyes to so much more, creating new realities in my life.i have enjoyed this sexual freedom i have had lately. enjoyed the fact i finally had some control...but, always a but...i now want more in my life, getting bored with casual and not being satisfied...literally and figuratively. i know i have much work to do on this being of me and her, but i am more willing now than ever. i feel it is time. preparing myself for ....hmmm i don't know. excited though...cause its something. there's this feeling, growing deep inside of me, an energy i cannot explain...just waiting to spill forth. also preparing myself for the one i will meet headon...looking for me. no more relationships of resentment and anger, unhealthy or soul stealing. these things i must forgive myself for, exercise out of me, inorder to be healthy for whoever. instead of my full line of baggage...too heavy to carry at times, full of holes and overstuffed, shit falling out all over the place...i can just bring something small enough to carry in my backpocket.
Ceelo says "i always keep me some pain"...and that too is okay. just when the the old stuff appears, oh and it will...like rejects from Goodwill!! want to realize what it is, deal with it, move on.
to move on....to move on